What's really going on in my head.

Its called under-the-weather because that's the title of one of my favourite KT Tunstall songs. It's my 'go to' song when I'm sad or down or lonely :)

[under-the-weather]

I can be many things, fit many descriptions, moulds, for different people. What I have lately come to realise is that I don't have to. I don't want to. I never necessarily shunned the things I like but I suffered the things I didn't for the sake of peace, for the sake of inclusion. Now I can see the distinction between doing what I like because I want to and doing what I don't really want to do because someone asked if I would.

Experience

[under-the-weather]

I feel like whatever way I approach relationships I am getting hurt. I came out of a really bad first relationship so I decided not to be serious for a while. So I played things differently - not being tied down, enjoying life and all that jazz. But I still care. And I still get hurt. I just really wanted the lies to stop. I am not looking for the great love of my life, whatever happens happens. I just HATE being lied to. It’s unnecessary. I can hack whatever you throw at me, just don’t lie. RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT. 

I am a nice person, I don’t deserve to be lied to.

Rant over.

Please don’t lie :’(

[under-the-weather]

I don't understand you

You are a constant contradiction: an enigma of binary oppositions. I cannot fathom or figure you out. Maybe that's what is so intriguing about you, what draws me in. The way I feel has clouded my better judgement and now I am in too deep and screaming but without proper cause. We barely know each other but I'm hooked. You are slippery, hard to get hold of. How do we progress or how do I get closure when you toy with me, drawing me in and making me promises every time I see you but then standing me up and not responding to texts. If you are as enthusiastic as you say you are, then you have a funny way of showing it. You wouldn't do this if you are serious. That's the crux of this. And the part I can't quite accept.

[mamainlove]

Forget it: Cross off the ones you've done (don't judge)

[under-the-weather]

Cross off the ones you’ve done (don’t judge)

1. had sex

2. bought condoms

3. gotten pregnant

4. failed a class

5. kissed a boy

6. kissed a girl

7. used a little paper bag for lunch

8. had a job

9. missed the school bus

11. left the house without your wallet/purse

12. bullied someone on the internet

13. sexted

14. had sex in public

15. played on a sports team

16. smoked weed

17. smoked cigarettes

18. smoked a cigar

19. drank alcohol

20. watched “The Breakfast Club”

21. been overweight

22. been underweight

23. had an eating disorder

24. been to a wedding

25. made fun of someone for being fat

26. been on the computer for 5 hours straight

27. watched tv for 5 hours straight

28. been late for work

29. been late for school

30. kissed someone in the rain

31. showered with someone else

32. failed my drivers test

33. ran a mile in less than 10 minutes

35. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours

36. gotten my heart broken

37. had a credit card

38. been to a professional sports game

49. broken a bone

40. been unhappy about your weight

41. won a trophy

42. cut myself

43. had an STD

44. got engaged

45. been on a diet

46. tried out to be on a tv show

47. rode in a taxi

48. been to prom/ball

49. played in a drinking game

50. stayed up for 24 hours or more

51. been to a concert

52. had a three-some

53. had a crush on someone of the same sex

54. been in a car accident

55. had braces

56. learned another language

57. killed a bug

58. been at a yard sale

59. been to a japanese steakhouse

60. wore make up

61. talked to someone via webcam

62. lost my virginity before I was 16

63. had my wisdom teeth taken out

64. kissed someone a different race than myself

65. snuck out of the house

66. bought porn

67. had a virus on my computer

68. had oral sex

69. dyed my hair

71. graduated from college

72. wore someone else’s clothes

73. voted in a election

74. rode in an ambulance

75. rode in a helicopter

76. caught the stove on fire

77. got in a verbal fight

78. been on vacation

79. been in an airplane

80. been on a boat

81. had surgery

82. kissed someone before I was 14

83. beat a video game

84. found something valuable on the ground 

85. made a survey

86. stalked someone on facebook/myspace

87. prank called someone

88. been to a library outside of school  - HAHAHAHA I WORK IN ONE

89. spent over $100 shopping in one day

90. cut your hair and hated it

91. peed outside

92. went fishing

93. helped with charity

94. taken a pregnancy test.

95. been rejected by a crush

96. been suspended from school

97. broken a mirror

98. faked sick from school

99. owned a pet

100. been to six flags

[under-the-weather]

I've never been upset on Valentine's Day before, not really. I never really thought I deserved anything, especially when I wasn't involved with anyone. I mean that's partly a self esteem issue but I'm working on it.

This year, I thought things might be different. I am in a long distance relationship, so I figured I would at least get something. We haven't been going that long, but we've known each other a long while now. I didn't expect flowers or anything but some attention would be good. There wasn't even any of the fantastic online photoshopped ones you find on here, even Gollum..

He's barely been talking all week but hey, university keeps you busy and I only saw him like 10 days ago but it just sucks. I figured we'd talk tonight. I was going to persuade him to Skype (he doesn't like the pressure of video) but he's going out.

I'm trying really hard to be ok with all this but it SUCKS. It just really sucks and I can't talk to anyone about it.

I Hate Valentine's Day.

[under-the-weather]

The worst part about it all is that the emptiness is back. The empty, sickening feeling that I only just managed to drag myself out of before it got too bad. I was beginning to feel optimistic and happier in general; a bit more at piece with who I was. And now I have to figure that out again. Just as an injury sets an athlete back in their progress, the shock has knocked me back a few paces and I don't like where I am. Help. It feels so shit.

[under-the-weather]

It scares me that one day you could wake up and realise that your life is good enough with out me. It scares me even more to think that because I never thought I'd become so attached to you.

[under-the-weather]

We are so stupid sometimes! If you like someone then tell them AT THE TIME. It will be no use to them months after and you never know what might have happened!

[under-the-weather]

When I was younger a guy in my class came up to me (he was kind of cute) and asked me to go out with him. I was shocked. Then all of his friends burst out laughing from across the room and he joined in. And then he said "I was joking! What? Did you think I was serious?" No wonder I can't take guys seriously when they approach me now!

[antistalkername]

[under-the-weather]

chris pine | c for men magazine

How can anyone NOT be a pine nut? LOOK AT HIM

[under-the-weather]

So close

So close to asking if he'll give me chance Though I know I'm not the one in His thoughts of romance So close to kissing him Breaking the trend Though I know that he's still Hung up on my friend So close to convincing myself That this will help him Though I know that right now My chances are slim So close to pathetic Asking him to be My first kiss, though I know I'll still be lonely As he felt he was close To being with her Though I know she sees him Like a brother He asked me if he Had a chance of a yes I had to tell him no And cause him distress He still looks at her With puppy dog eyes And I just want to hug him Under a comforting guise So close in my head But so far in life He (I) has (have) to accept She (I) won't be his wife So close to pathetic I'm still alone Though I know I'll be fine Shall I pick up the phone?

[under-the-weather]

It doesn't feel real. None of it. At this point, I am numb; shying away from the world. My world. And all the complications and obligations of it. I just want to go to bed and forget it all. In the morning it will still be there, worse for its neglect. I know this and yet, I am still numb.

[under-the-weather]

someday, someone will think I'm worthy of their attention

at least I hope so

[under-the-weather]

I woke up at quarter past three Like a child on Christmas Eve Much too early to function Much too late to sleep Stuck in a limbo waiting for slumber Watching the clock’s changing number Hurry sleep…

[under-the-weather]

Happy new year!

With each new year we evaluate, assess, calculate What we’ve done What we want Who we are

We look at what has passed Since we last answered And make promises And plans anew Of what we hope and long to do

I hope the new year Brings you joy, hope and love But wish within reason To be content next New Year’s Eve

Wish not with your head But with your heart And you’ll do good Right from the start Happy new year!

[under-the-weather]

Anonymity

Oh look here's me Drowning in my own anonymity Facing whatever's next Trying to write a text That will inspire And require The attention of the masses So that I may have some purpose in this life.

[under-the-weather]

Went dancing. No one noticed I'd ha my haircut. I was pleased with exam result, most did better. Given new choreography, couldn't do it. Asked to make up dance on the spot, which I hate. Tired as hell and emotional as fuck. I hate dance exams