DArkSide

can u talk me off the ledge again ?

[dollpriv]

I died and this is hell

[dollpriv]

📝 (not real)

i hate this house. i hate these people. i hate myself.

i’ve never stopped saying these three sentences. in one way or another, i’ve been repeating it throughout my entire life.

i’m so tired of feeling left out. i’m so tired of feeling out of place. i’m so tired of everything.

i, my, me, mine.

and it was all about me. i always made it about myself. all the attention was on me and it was never enough.

and nothing was ever enough.

anything that was done and said and thought for me was never enough. oh, you’d text me whenever you were able to? it was never enough. you very clearly would show your affection to me and assure me that i was loved? it was never enough. it was never ever enough for me.

no matter how much i’d receive it was never enough…

you could, let’s say, speak to me, spend time with me, love me, fuck me, cuddle up with me and do even more with me for 24 whole hours, and then suddenly we’d be at a café with our friends, and you would notice me go nonverbal, purely because everyone’d be having their own conversation, and i’d feel like i was just “there”

and all the time together before that would never be enough.

1,862 people.

these people all across social media follow this streamer, this person they think they know.

that streamer could receive her usual audience who would love her content in all aspects, and yet it’d never be enough for her.

i’m that streamer.

and this one girl could receive unconditional care from her parents throughout her life, yet she would only remember the times where they traumatized her.

in the end all i remember is regret in my own actions,

enough is enough.

the last thing i’ll ever remember is the blasting music and the sound of their screams.

you can laugh and ridicule me. you can mock me and never take me seriously. but i’ll haunt you, i’ll haunt you, i’ll fucking haunt you all.

i still love you.

scene.

rate? 1-10?

[dollpriv]

i think tonight is the night i k\ll myself

[dollpriv]

h8 me lyf

[dollpriv]

being edgy on here is so freeing because yes i embrace actually being sad in a corny way because its the only way that helps me express myself the most

nobody truly understands me 🖤🥀⛓️🔪 and those emojis are so fucking pretty anyway

[dollpriv]

cause like in the end… who the hell will stop me if i do go crazy?? no one. i’ve been threatened with being sent to a psych ward multiple times and it hasn’t happened once.

[dollpriv]

i love attention

i looooooooveeee attention

[dollpriv]

i wanna be a hot trashy bitch cuz cutting would be just another hot feature about me instead of being a sad reserved emo girl cuz then it’d be like “ooh ik she’s trashy and hot but that makes her even better”

[dollpriv]

HEY YOU 🫵

wanna see me lore drop abt my highschool years and talk abt it like i’m on a podcast??? NOW YOU WILL

(trigger warning: detailed sui mention, sh mention, sui ideation, substance abuse, the whole package)

i know this may be out of nowhere, but, i was really thinking about things and i think it just helps a little to write or down where ppl can see.

i was bullied in elementary and manipulated all the time emotionally and psychologically and that literally left me with the inability to make friends without feeling “left out” or “paranoid” about whether or not my friends actually cared about me. so… this developed some shit later on in the future. the bullying was pretty much for the entirety of elementary. except maybe kindergarten, but i barely even remember that.

oh btw i don’t have middle school where i live, so elementary is k-6th and high school is 7-11th. yeah, no 12th and we jump straight to high school. anywho continuing on…

so when i was 13-14 right? (i was in grade 8th and 9th for those years) i started to feel those effects given to me even more than before, where i felt like i was left out and not cared for, even tho, yk, i was. so… when i was 13 i started sh’ing… specifically during 8th grade. like it’s weird, cause i first did it with a pin 📌, and it was all because i felt like i was being ignored in a game with an irl friend… so weird right??

i mean, i had thoughts of doing it beforehand, but that’s what triggered it… i was open about it too and my friend at that time would ask to talk the next time we’d see each other at school.

so it was this cycle. then i moved on to scissors, cause during this time i was genuinely suffering even more, from trauma and just general emotional pain. i’d just go into a bathroom stall and just shwoop shweep shwoop. like every day. my arms were so fucked up 😭😭 i’d even do it on my fingers brah. it was nothing deep, so i would do it at the same spots over and over once it’d stop bleeding.

and yes, it was still that thing where i’d walk with said friend outside and have to show them and yeah. i feel really bad for that friend because i cannot imagine how distressing and exhausting it must’ve been to go through all this. and to have the nerve to think at that time, that nobody cared. i mean listen, when i said that all i’ve done was ruin ppl’s lives, in that sense, i meant it. we’re on chill terms i think now, but i still feel horrible abt it. like i know i was going through a lot, but if i had to deal with myself for a day, i think i’d just jump out of a fucking window. ENCLOSED.

so yeah… i did that for months. i was even starting to attempt sui sometimes (with pills), and by sometimes i mean as in like, maybe once or twice a week, but sometimes, not all of the time, i’d purposely just not consume enough to kill me. i’m sure you know why. no really i’m wasnt a good person. but some of those times still had me genuinely trying. then throwing it all up and suffering for hours… just to go back to normal. this is soo embarrassing.

i’m gonna skip half of 9th grade (me being 14 atp) because i started really bad drama for attention because of that same thing of feeling like nobody cared about me and it was all my fault but talking about it anywhere makes me really sick and i was so fucked up mentally to start it and yeah this one will be taken to my grave ✌️🥹

so after that time skip i was really left with no friends (still my fault) and it was kinda that. i had one friend that i’d hang out with at the time and it stayed that way pretty much for the rest of high school. now shit gets pretty bad.

in 10th grade, (i was 15 after that september) things started to go downhill and worse ever since. for starters, entering the school year was really fucking scary to me. i was very very paranoid, and i know because of that drama, i was getting talked about so i was paranoid abt my every move, even at home. i didn’t feel like i was being watched, but i had horrible anxiety and depression (both clinically and diagnosed, had to be put on zoloft). i smoked weed every now and then but not that much.

then, in november of 2022 (still 10th, still 15) on the 22nd i got a video call from my best friend (I’ll call him X) who was online. i’d have known him for three years and, he was also struggling with a lot of things like i was. i’d convince him a lot of the time to not end it and so would he towards me… yeah. but on that call, he had decided it was it. so i got the video call in that evening, and i saw it, i couldn’t react fast enough, i feel like my words didnt end up reaching him. he had shot himself in front of me. (note i feel so sick right now sdude fuck.) i saw everything. i saw every part of the process. i saw his blood on the wall and the rest of what was his head. and that was it. when i see people making jokes about, let’s say ronnie, i always feel sick and disgusting. coz imagine that was one of your loved ones. i don’t have to imagine it i see it in my mind always.

after this i felt so goddamn numb and in shock. for the next 2 months i didn’t know how to feel. i was grieving yes, but i was just trying to understand what i could’ve done to prevent it. then i just started to think about it more and more until it got to the point where i was thinking about it nearly all the time and trying to hide that from my friends and family. i had been seeing it replay in my head. i was seeing it in constant nightmares. thinking about it made me feel nauseous and i’d throw up a lot. living was a fucking challenge. but it’d only get worse.

after christmas break, i came back to school and i was still feeling as bad as ever. the weed thing became more constant. i was still going through paranoia as well, so shit piled up. starting february of 2023 i started to eventually see hallucinations. i remember, sometimes of X in my peripheral, and over the course of a few weeks, sometimes or this combined creature of multiple classmates. sometimes depending on where i was i’d see flashing colourful shapes moving fast in front of me. there was more. the hallucinations started to even become auditory as well. the paranoia became more severe and i was even scared of living in my own home. i was going through psychotic episodes.

then in april of 2023 i was asked out by this guy from my school and ngl i do not wanna get into it for the 100th time because he is a massive fucking weirdo and so glad he got what he deserved at the end (no he didn’t die). but basically it went on for 2 weeks… lots of rumours about me and he had a lot of friends so that’s how there were rumours.

if you’re that guy and you’re reading this, i hope you get put in a fucking steam roller and then get run over by the orphan grinder you absolute filthy, balding, idiot, bitch boy glasses, good for nothing MICROBE 🦠‼️

i was also called a toxic ass bitch by his 2 friends at the time because they had only heard what i said to him without hearing what he said to me. not to mention they wrote that same thing on my binder where i tried to ignore it while sitting at my desk but someone put it on the floor kicked it to me and with these rumours and this event, you could only imagine how worse it got, considering i was still going through these episodes. and that’s how my years were going. i had planned to kms eventually but i didn’t know the time where i would.

then in august i was put in the hospital for that exact attempt that was failed but i don’t wanna get into that mess either. he then, messaged me on discord, saying that i should h*ng myself in my closet and that nobody at that school wanted me alive. i begged my parents to move me to a different school but it was too late. so i went in there as terrified as ever.

then months pass by. im still going through shit and in December of 2023, i had planned it again, and acted again, but still went to the hospital. then yeah… just the same old shit. rumours, psychotic episodes and mental fucking agony.

that’s just school years anyway. still going through a lot but… yeah… it’s better than it was. i know i wasnt a really good person but with the drama with my old friends, i resolved it with mostly everyone. and i still really struggle with ideations and i really do wanna waste away by doing shit like drinking and not being sober and cutting. but at least i’m not making it other ppl’s burdens anymore…

[dollpriv]

being 18 is so weird coz wdym i can go clubbing and drinking without jumping through hoops and overall becoming the worst version of myself ever but still being a hot alt girl???

[dollpriv]

shut up tf up

[sickfrr]

[rosebushjhj]

It's kinda crazy to be crying to the same songs I was crying to at 12 yo

[dollpriv]

i asked for death

but instead i’m awake

[dollpriv]

hi people on tumblr please convince me to kms

this isn’t a joke

convince me please

[dollpriv]

should i just do it.

i cant take this anymore. no one is home. no one is texting me. i have it in front of me. so should i just do it…

[dollpriv]

it’s my birthday i’m 18