I grew up in a pretty hectic household with a father who suffered from ptsd and a mother who was and still is extremely sick, and had a lot of medical and health conditions. We were never a rich household and we are deemed âlower incomeâ by society standers.
In fourth grade I started to suffer from depression and I began to self harm by cutting myself, I was bullied all through out elementary and grade nine so I transferred schools for grade ten and told myself I would never let anyone bully me like that ever again.
In tenth grade I got into the âbad sceneâ as you could say, I started smoking weed, and cigarettes, occasionally drinking and I got myself in a relationship with a twenty-one year old drug dealer when I was only fifteen years of age. This ârelationshipâ quickly took a turn for the worst.
He was extremely manipulative, a compulsive liar and abusive. He laced my pot with cocaine making it more addictive for me.
The first time he raped me I was at his complex building (well not his but his mothers home) him and I were watching a tv show when he began to make out with me, we were alone in his place and I knew it was inevitable he was older and wanted to have sex, I was still a virgin and had never even done anything remotely sexual before this.
âDo you have a bed?â I asked him shakily, he smirked and led me downstairs where he then removed my clothing while I was shaking with tears in my eyes, as I lay down on the mattress naked I looked at him with fear stricken eyes with him looming over on top of me and I gasped âI canât do this.. Iâm scared, Iâm not ready.â
He told me to âshhhâ and proceeded to get on top of me and try to enter me. I cried harder, whimpering saying things like âwait..â and âI canâtâŚâ but he continued. I never considered this rape till a year later because I never had âfought backâ and the way he acted he made me believe that what he did to me was my fault and that I was âasking for itâ
These incidents continued to progress over the coarse of our relationship, always I was crying and saying things like âwaitâ or âI canât do thisâ and âstopâ though times I just laid there and cried I cannot recall how many times this happened because I blocked it out so much but all I remember is coming home extremely sore and confused.
One incident sticks out at me very clearly this twenty-one year old lets just call him âRonnieâ was into sadism and masochism, he enjoyed receiving pain but more then that he enjoyed giving pain⌠I tried to go along with it out of fear and because I thought I âloved himâ not to mention I was extremely manipulated to the core.
After taking off my clothes and trying to enter me once again while I cried because of pain and fear, he decides to bring a knife downstairs in his basement (the basement isÂ
where all the rapes occurred) he then tells me âIâm bringing a knife downstairs and somebody is getting fucked no matter how badly it hurts.â meaning me obviously, so he brings it down and first he tells me to hold it to his throat, so I obey shakily.
Soon afterwards he grabs the knife from me and holds it to my throat saying âyour turn!â he then quickly ties me up I think it was with a sock or something to his bedpost, I then struggle and I clearly am not into this sick twisted game, I freak out and cry âI donât want to do this anymore!â I grab the knife from him with my free hand and try to cut through the sock with the other, remember during all these incidents I was high on laced weed.
But this isnât the worst of it he also bruised me by biting my arm so hard I cried, and shoving me around pushing me up against the walls trying to make out with me when I clearly didnât want him too, that was the one time I fought back I shoved him off me angrily and kicked him in the leg.
This other incident that occurred and that I am extremely hesitant to write due to the fact that the police have been called on me many times by this certain individual⌠yet I figure if I change names it will all be okay, this incident is written in letter format, its written as though its a letter to my abuser but it describes the event perfectly in complete detail, trigger warning.
Dear Ronnie, usually when I write you letters I talk about the past or the future but never about that day. Never about what actually happened⌠this time I will. To put it bluntly you and I previously tried to have âsexâ numerous times before that day. I cried and was in pain for all of them, you did not care. Each time we tried I felt useless pathetic and incapable⌠sorry I was a virgin. Then you and Clara conjure up this idea to have a threesome. I know you agreed because you figured this was the only way you could have sex, the threesome for you was an excuse to get laid without it being considered cheating.
I did not want to but you pressured me into going along with it. Both of you did. Once again you did not care, didnât acknowledge my feelings. Clara and I go to your mums place where you were staying, you smoke us up since Clara was begging to get high the previous day before. You pack up separate bowls⌠and I start to feel kind of off like the high wasnât what it was suppose to be. Clara seems to feel fine. All three of us go downstairs to the cold dingy basement where your dirty old mattress lay, I suggest you two strip first since I do not want to be the first one. But when I change my mind and realize whatâs actually happeningâŚ
I refuse to strip for some reason you two think this is funny and you leap on top of me and try to yank my clothes off. I get scared because I donât want them forced off so shakily I begin to obey. You try to touch me but since I donât want you touching me I begin to make out with her instead as a distraction. Finally I turn to you wanting to get it over with. I grimace and cry you still donât care you tell me to âtake the pain out on me youâ Not much time passes till the humiliation sinks in and I tell you to stop and you do. As I cry and turn away I tell you two you can go at it if you want.
You both waste no time, sheâs moaning and groaning telling you to go faster and harder while your fucking her your also trying to kiss me. I turn away putting my hands out in front of me mumbling âno..â it takes you awhile to get the hint and you finally stop trying. Another ugly noise escapes her throat before you two finally finish. You come to me now and ask âwhatâs wrong?â as if you donât know. Thereâs an awkward silence that passes by before you turn to Clara and say âI donât think weâll be needing this anymoreâ talking about the condom.
you go upstairs to throw it out and Clara turns to me dumbfounded âwhy are you crying?â she asks I donât answer instead I cuddle myself in the blanket knowing youâll be back soon. âPlease donât tell him Iâm cryingâ I whisper after her asking whatâs wrong over and over. She promises not to tell, you return you want to eat me out Clara tells me I should let you that Iâll like it ect. I turn away disgusted from both of you âNo⌠I donât want toâ I said angrily. âI want you tooâ you insist as you stick your fingers inside of me I squirm I donât like how it feels but Iâm too high to move.
Claraâs laughing watching tv as she gets dressed she tells me we need to go back to school. I tell her I just want to stay but I canât move and I can barely talk. She leaves. Then you insist we try once more to have sex I donât want to I tell you âI donât know Iâm soreâ You begin anyway. It hurts worse this time âI donât think I can do thisâ I say but you donât listen. âmaybe we should stopâ I insist again you respond âweâre almost there loveâ not caring⌠I insist âYou need to stopâ my voice is shaking and my vision goes blurry.. I cry out once again âyour hurting me you need to stopâ you do not listen no matter what I say or how hard I cry you donât listen. Finally I try a new method begging you to stop you thrust into me once more just to prove that you can, you smirk and then stop. The fact is Ronnie when I said stop the first time you should have and you didnât. If thatâs not âforceâ if thatâs not ârapeâ I donât know what is⌠I loved you and you betrayed me. Now I see you for what you really are⌠a monster I donât care if you had personalities your part of it either way.
(Of course I realized after I wrote this letter I never really loved him I was simply manipulated and thought that what he was doing was love it wasnât.)
Shortly after this incident occurred I got a phone call from the police, Clara had called the cops claiming she was ârapedâ and since she was only fourteen at the time it was considered statutory rape. I took a long time to go to the police and when I finally did manage to do a video interview I lied, I told them the exact truth that went on with Clara and Ronnie but not about what happened with me afterwards and how I felt about the whole thing.
I hate myself for it now but I suppose apart of me was protecting him, he ended up getting charged with two counts of sexual interference of minors and got a year in jail (not prison) time served, and twenty years sex offender registry. Since this incident I have not only had to deal with the aftermath of having this happen to me, and coming to grips with the fact that this was rape, but having lies told about me constantly involving the case, Clara would tell numerous friends of hers that she was the one crying while I was having sex with Ronnie, I got plenty of harassment from her and her mother blaming me for the entire incident.
Some thingâs that were said to me through askfm a website that allows anonymous questions to be asked involved twisting my words (which Iâm almost certain her mother either encouraged or wrote them herself) Many were accusatory suggesting that I was as bad as my abuser and that âClaraâ was the real âvictimâ here.Â
One message I remember told me to âshow the girl some respect.âÂ
Another suggested that I was the mastermind for the âthreesomeâ idea and that I chose who I did to be my âvictim.âÂ
Another mentioned that I brought my boyfriend of six months to sacrifice a fourteen year old girl and that it was sad if I thought people would believe a âfourteen year old was the mastermind of the whole planâ And I didnât think she was, I think him and her both made up the plan. Still to this day Iâm unsure of who brought it up first.
Other questions consisted of asking me why it took me two weeks to make a statement after she did, the simple answer obviously was I was traumatized. Yet of course they all just assumed I had something to hide. And in a way I did I hid my shame about the whole thing, I hid the truth from even myself, my family it was easier to focus on her lies then face what really happened that day.
Meanwhile Clara ranted about apparently having âptsdâ from the whole incident on her tumblr which just made my obsession with anger 20 times worse, and honestly it was easier to focus on her lies and her bullshit and how she hurt me as opposed to focusing on what I had just been through. What pain I had just endured.Â
She mentioned on her tumblr â|t is your fault because shit went down 1 month and two weeks prior so donât blame me for your miserable fucking life.â Once again blaming me for the incident.
On top of all that nonsense her mother harassed my mother by finding her on facebook and writing to her that I needed to âback off Clara.â And Iâll admit after her lies spread like wild fire I went in a crazy frenzy in attempt to tell people the truth. But let me tell you after getting glared at in my school halls (my new school might I add) it was a little understandable that I would get a bit upset.
Of course though Claraâs mother was convinced that Clara never told âanyoneâ about the case but that of course was just a flat out lie.
Essentially I place Clara and Ronnie on the same level. Manipulative, attention seeking, lying, terrifying and abusers.Â
Claiming that since he was my âboyfriendâ I was somewhat at fault for him having sex with her while she was underage, she played up the victim card while trashing my name through the streets of my small close knit community. One year later however I managed to get the courage to go back to the police and explain what exactly happened not only that day, but many days prior.
Apparently though I was âtoo lateâ and I was told if I took this to trial it would âeffect the other chargesâ me being manipulated was not taken into account at all. However two years later, Iâm seventeen now I discover from a friend of mine who had recently seen Ronnie that Ronnie was telling him how he plans to kill my family and I, and Clara and her family for us âruining his lifeâ He planned on âburning the house down.â
So this time I did the right thing, no hesitation. I called the police, and he got arrested pretty much immediately, the police also made me fill out a domestic violence report and one of the officers told me they wanted me to go into the station and do another video interview describing what I went through, and possibly bring those charges to light finally.
He recently got charged uttering a death threat and only spent one month in jail (once again not prison but jail)Â
Iâm not better, but I am in a much better place then I was at fifteen years old, I know now that if someone is crying its not consensual and that you donât have to fight back in order for it to be âreal rapeâ I know now that there was a huge age dynamic between me and my abuser therefore it was a âpower dynamicâ I know now that I fell for a pro manipulator and that it wasnât my fault.
   Since all of this I have been to therapy Iâve seen therapists all over. The        sexual assault center, local center, and I even did cognitive behavioral trauma    therapy.Â
   Iâve been diagnosed with anxiety, Ptsd, and depression since the whole ordeal. I havenât been able to focus as well as I used to and Iâm still almost   always terrified to leave my house just because now my abuser is out of jail and  then of course thereâs Clara and her mother so Iâm always a bit on edge. My  goal is to finish high school as quickly as possible and move out of this city.Â
Iâm hoping maybe then I will feel safer.Â
yousharknotpass
2087
gracieabrams
origamiaround
