Don't Swipe Right

You're alone. But you're not that alone.

[dontswiperight]

Sandwich enthusiast? Obviously.

[dontswiperight]

You ever drunk Bailey's from a shoe?

[dontswiperight]

This possible match can only end in disappointment for all parties involved.

[dontswiperight]

Unicorns are majestic and magical. Completely magical. Add a rainbow and it's obvious you mean business.

[dontswiperight]

I, too, get all bashful when I encounter a fake, seemingly flat Darth Vader. Oh wait, no, that doesn't happen to me.

[dontswiperight]

Let's talk about the real problem plaguing this country...all of the penguins taking jobs from hard working, tax paying Americans...

[dontswiperight]

A cat scarf selfie? Pretty fucking awesome.

[dontswiperight]

"I live in the American Gardens Building on West 81st Street on the 11th floor."

[dontswiperight]

See the world = get drunk while holding a gun*. Good luck making it to 29, sir.

*Gun is most likely fake. Still not impressed.

[dontswiperight]

You had me at boats and bikes.

[dontswiperight]

"You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?"

[dontswiperight]

I wear my sunglasses at night...because the sun never sets on a badass.

[dontswiperight]

I hate Taylor Swift but, in this case, she nailed it...

That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale, I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, Lead her up the stairwell This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you went and let me down, Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around.

[dontswiperight]

Good with children and fantastic hygiene? Sign me up.

[dontswiperight]

Never let them take you to the second location.

(Consulted Mom..."Thank you!" is the polite response to "You're sexy!")

[dontswiperight]

Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?