PHM Disposable Duo AU - A Final Conversation
The last real talk that Grace and Nell have before the Hail Mary Launches
I'll make a proper post about this AU sometime soon lol
He spotted her just out of the corner of his eye while he was talking with Stratt. She was on the far end, about as far away from the party as she could make herself. Considering what the party was for it felt a little gauche for her to do that, but it wasn't like he could blame her.
So, after finishing up his conversation with Stratt, instead of going back to the party, he made his way further down the carrier's upper walkways and took a slow approach. He didn't want her to think he was trying to sneak up on her, but he was also nervous he'd just end up apologizing over and over again to her like he had when Stratt made him sit in on the meeting that bullied her into joining the crew.
Sorry, 'convinced her' into joining the crew. It still sat ugly in Grace's stomach.
She was dressed in a long, blue coat with a bright yellow scarf firmly wrapped around her neck. Her hair was a mess in the wind, but her eyes were gazing far out towards the sun.
Her eyes were red. Grace wasn't going to say anything about it.
"Ah-hem" he blatantly pretended to clear his throat, and while she glanced at him, the gaze didn't linger. "… It's really pretty"
"… It is" She answered.
God, he really was dog shit at small talk."… Are you really going to enter the coma the minute we touch down in Kazakhstan?" he decided to just rip the band aid off.
She exhales "Yup. Might as well guinea pig myself. Test out the coma drugs and that slurry. At least if anything immediately goes wrong I die on earth"
Grace can't stop a grimace "… I don't know what else to say except I wish I had as much pull as everyone thinks I do"
"That's just 'I'm sorry' with more words, Grace" She responded "You don't have to say anything"
"I want to" He pressed "I want.. I want to say something. The whole thing just feels so unfair"
"And what, your words will make it more fair?" She still isn't looking at him.
He can't think up what to respond to that with. He'd never been very good with words, and his attempts to defend Nell had fallen so thoroughly on deaf ears, even with other scientists who tended to understand him better. They'd all said that she'd agreed. She'd said yes. They said to let it go. But he couldn't. He'd been there. Grace saw Stratt tell Nell to her face that she was going on the Hail Mary, and that if she didn't she wouldn't have a job when she left the project. It was a threat. Make it public that she was refusing to kill herself by going into space. Turn her into a pariah.
Grace knew why Stratt did what she did. He hated it, but he understood. Nell was the only member of the medical team who had been there for all the important meetings, who had observed everything. Who had even been there to test the EVA equipment. She was the best possible candidate to replace the original medical doctor that had initially agreed. But that doctor had left when his daughter had an accident, and the backup had chickened out and had flat-out disappeared.
He hated it. This was so unfair. Sure, Nell had said yes, but Stratt had looked at her and told her that she had "No spouse, no children, no dependents. You are as prime a candidate as any"
It was insulting. Stratt knew that. But Nell had still said yes, and that was all that mattered to her. Seemed to be all that matter to everyone else, too. It stuck in the back of Grace's throat like little else.
As he stood there, eyes on her, but her eyes out on the water, he contemplated meeting her on the aircraft carrier for the first time, when she helped him with his nausea after that awful flight. He'd become friendly with so many of his colleagues, but Nell and him had formed what he'd have called a real friendship, something close to what he'd formed with Carl, or even with Yao, Ilyukhina, Williams and DuBois (The medic officers were no longer in that group, obviously). Therefore, he never really understood when people compared Nell to Stratt. He just didn't see it.
When Grace looked at Eva, he saw a woman holding the weight of the world on her shoulders, and rather deliberately shutting her heart off to any and everyone. She was not unkind, at least not when the moment called for it, but she was not there to be kind.
Nell, meanwhile… Well, Grace wasn't good at reading people. He wasn't good at understanding, or getting the gist of people. But he had no idea how you could look Nell in her eyes and not see a broken heart. Sure, she and Stratt had a similar, rather straightforward way of speaking... But Nell was always kinder, always more willing to listen and respond in kind. She was nice. Perhaps it was because he'd seen that 'look' in his own mirror, but he knew a heart that withheld itself, rather than one that closed itself off.
Instead of trying to apologize again, or saying an empty platitude, or even make light of it, he took a nervous breath, and admitted "I'm… I'm gonna miss you"
That seemed to not be what she'd expected him to say, and she finally, fully looked at him. Her eyes are red and raw. Glistening. Grace can feel himself getting choked up at the quiet admission of her fear.
Her breath is a little stilted, and she suddenly asks "Can you… Can you be there? When they put me under?"
He's surprised at the question, but he nods "Yeah. Yeah I can… I mean, to be honest, Stratt is probably going to want me there anyway but, that means I can shove myself in closer, since I'm, you know, her right-hand man or whatever"
She nodded back at him "That's… that makes sense… Thank you"
The way she'd said thank you had been enough for Grace. He reached forward, and barely even noticed her return the sentiment until the hug was happening, squeezing his friend close to his chest and letting out a choke, a small sound. He'd learned too late in their friendship that her affection tended to be physical, that she loved hugs and to be hugged and have her hand held. That once accidental forehead kiss in front of Stratt was funny to think about at first, but now it just made Grace's chest ache. Would anyone else hug her? Yao and Dubois? Those two weren't the kind. Maybe Williams and Ilyukhina? It was a somewhat meaningless thing to linger on….
Her un-gloved hands were digging into his sweater so much it almost hurt. He'd deal with it.
When the hug ended, Nell pulled away from him and took a deep breath "… Go back to the party, Grace. I'm.. going to bed."
"… Okay.. Sleep well" He reached, pushing away some of her hair that had gotten directly in her face from the wind "See you later"
"... Good night, Ryland"
He watched her take the nearest steps back down, and stared for a moment.
She'd never called him "Ryland" before. Only "Doctor" or "Grace". mostly "Doctor Grace"…
He took a deep breath of his own, rubbing at his face, and returned himself back to the party, not even noticing Stratt's eyes following him back down the stairs and into the karaoke and beer-filled celebration.
