meg notices something strange when she’s inside of sam.
sam, who is 6’4” and 220 pounds of muscle, who towers over everyone he meets. sam, who on the inside, is a battered and broken little girl. meg would know. she’s been a battered and broken little girl herself.
so maybe she feels a little sympathy. maybe, as she stares into hazel eyes at this massive body in the mirror, she wishes that sam would just give in to all of this. her demonic blood, her cursed existence. at least if she was a demon, she could choose her body! she could look like meg knows she wants to.
yes, there’s sympathy, but meg is a demon. so sympathy comes with a darkness, twisted and vile. she lets sam be present in her mind as she gazes at her, through her, into the mirror. she makes sam watch as she slowly unbuttons her flannel, revealing her toned chest, her defined abdomen.
“if you were like me, sammy, you could choose any body you wanted,” meg murmurs, her voice lowered since she’s speaking from sam. “you could even take the one i used when we met. that little blonde piece. i know you thought she was pretty. i could take this body, and you could take that one, and we could find your rightful place on the throne of hell.”
she grins as sam constricts and fights against her. “besides. i think queen of hell has a much nicer ring to it than king. the demons wouldn’t question you. they’d call you whatever you wanted. she, your majesty, your highness. wouldn’t that be nicer than what you get now?”
when sam thinks of dean, meg sees what she sees. her brother, in all his glory, and what he would look like if sam said yes. “oh, sammy… you think he would ever accept you?” meg laughs, a throaty sound. she’s not used to sounding so masculine, but she doesn’t hate it at all. “i mean, the demon blood is one thing. it happened when you were a baby, and he still blames you! how do you think he’ll react if you tell him you’re a girl? he’s not exactly an award-winning feminist.”
meg tuts softly, shaking her head. sam’s hair is shaggy and ruffles as meg moves. “he’ll just think you’re an even bigger freak. hell, he’d probably blame me! i mean, you’ve got a girl demon inside of you. that must leave a mark, right?”
when all is said and done, when meg is exorcized from his body, sam can’t help but wonder if she was right. here he is, back to thinking of himself as a man. as a younger brother and a son. as a hunter, cursed to live this life. this life where he can’t, by any means, be a girl. he knows what dean would say.
meg was right. sam keeps his thoughts to himself. he doesn’t have time to contemplate his gender. he’s suffered with this secret since he was sixteen, old enough to stare at his female classmates and wish for his body to be like theirs. he decides that he’ll suffer for the rest of his life. he was born a man, and he would die a man. his secret died with jessica, with brady, with all of his stanford friends he had come out to. they were the last, and only, ones to call him “she”.
sam will take it to the grave. he doesn’t need to give dean another reason to call him a freak.
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