I do not remember when I wrote that but being I truly care about Cecile and I want to explain myself I will answer this. I will make this clear, I did not see I got this message until today as I have been maining another blog on Tumblr my Nathank77.
so I do not remember what I wrote. I will start with that. I write so much on Tumblr, I couldn't find that post if I tried. However I am sure you have screenshots.
So when I initially met Cecile I was not attracted to her romantically. That changed drastically as I got to know her. The reason I was not attracted to Cecile romantically at first I believe was the age difference. She looked younger and I was more attracted to people in my age group. We had a like 4 year age difference, when I met her she was 19 and I was like 23. And I could still see the teenager in her.
As I got to know Cecile, I fell head over heels in love with her. Her personality was/is beautiful. She is also beautiful on the outside. As she aged before we dated and while we were dating she became even more beautiful to me. Now she is stunning.
I do tend to like older women or women that are in my age group. So that was what I meant by I "settled," in one regard. I want to state that I have psychosis and sometimes I just write and don't think about how I word things, I also assume no one reads my tumblr. Psychosis has severely fucked up my brain. It's not an excuse but it's a reason why I may have said what I said the way I said it.
I said I "settled" on Cecile for another reason as well and this was the most important, she was in love with someone else the entire time. It was more than just that she was younger than me. I did not know she was poly at the time and even still knowing that in a way I did settle as I am monogamous and she loved someone more than she loved me. She would have left me for that person in a flash if it had been an option.
I understand that soulmates are a thing and that she loved me as much as she could have. I don't regret dating her but in only one regard I did settle- before we started dating she said, " I will always love nameless, she will always be my first choice." when she said that I should have prob kept it as friendship. As it was hard for me to accept there was a living breathing human on this earth that the girl I was in love with would leave me on the drop of a hat for.
Either way I did not settle on Cecile truly. Cecile was the only person I dated who loved me the way I needed to be loved even though she was in love with someone else. Beyond that out of all of my exes, we shared the most significant bond. She is the only person I feel I bonded with in like over 15 years to be honest. Our relationship was bad, but we did share a deep bond. The way I hurt her still haunts me.
I am happy that I had that relationship with her although I wish it ended differently, mostly I wish it ended in Manchester or even sooner as I traumatized her bc I was not emotionally okay at the time and unfortunately I said really mean things and it was a verbally abusive relationship on both ends.
I assign more blame to myself and she knows that, she understands why, its rightfully so. But to really answer you it wasn't about looks. I think Cecile is gorgeous. It was about her being in love with someone else while she dated me, when she was the only person I loved when I dated her.
In that one regard I did settle cause as a monogamous person I am only capable of being in love with one person. And I deserved to be the only person she was in love with. However I didn't deserve Cecile and that's the truth bc she was too good for me.
she was young and had a soulmate and I was older and mentally tortured and I took it out on her despite not wanting to hurt her.
