naked

This is my bare naked blog with bare naked real thoughts onto the fantastical world wide web. I am often times a drama queen, spazz, etc and my entries will be up and down like a roller coaster. I love life but at the same time I'm such a cynic. But I'm trying not to be. And writing helps. If you feel uncomfortable reading (especially if you know me in person) please just don't read and GTFO. I'm not going to BS in this blog. Yes. I'm laying out my raw thoughts and making myself vulnerable for the whole word to see. But I think I need to speak. Or I just may die from suffocation. I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.” — Jon Stewart

[doris-dayz]

I don’t know how much longer I can keep going. I am tired.

[doris-dayz]

매일 매일이 잿빛이더라구 팽이 돌듯이 빙빙 돌더라구 어른이라는 따분한 벌레들이 야금 야금 꿈을 좀 먹더라구 나는 자라 겨우 내가 되겠지 뿔이 자라난 어른이 될테니 억지로 라도 웃어야지 하는데 그럼에도 좀 울적하더라구

[doris-dayz]

I felt like I was on a high with life. I was finally going to see Paris...I had cute boy who liked me. Amazing girl friends. It was the best summer. I saw the Eiffel Tower... my dream. And alone too. Which has been my absolute dream to travel to Europe by myself. No parents or friends protecting me.  

And then it all went to shit so fast. and I don’t fucking understand.

[doris-dayz]

An Abundance of Saltwater

i. Sweat

Last week, the Seattle area hit its all time high temperature for the summer. Despite having AC in just my room, I still found myself sweating often, since I wasn’t only sitting in my room all week. It’s summer and I had things to do and places to be. Didn’t matter how minimal clothing or how little I tried to move, from the brief moments of walking from a building to my car, sitting there starting the car up before the AC kicked in, and sitting in restaurants with no AC, sweat trickled off my skin. I always felt lighter and healthier when I let the sweat drip out. Sweating felt like a detox of all the worldly toxins escaping my body through these droplets of salty sweat.

ii. Tears

What was I doing at his place once again? In the midst of this already hot scorching summer weather, I found myself skin to skin with this man I swore I would not see again. As if it wasn’t hot enough, our bodies’ friction against each other between the sheets should have made me even more irritable from all the heat- except I was everything but that. It was exactly where I wanted to be even though I knew it was all a temporary facade because he couldn’t give me what I needed in the end. And in the same way that I somehow end up lying there in his arms just a little too tight again in false, transient bliss. he, as expected, shortly after caused me the same pain we had already cycled through, again. The hot, salty, tears rolled down my face. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. Sometimes a good cry is all you need. A good few days after, and the next, and the following days after, I went about my day living the best life I knew how without him. 

iii. the Sea

The best part of summer is the beach in the evening. Sometimes when I look out at the ocean, inhale the scent of the salty water, and listen to the waves crashing back and forth, I feel like I can finally breathe. As if what I was doing before when not standing at a shore, wasn't breathing. As if I was holding my breath. Holding in the anxiety, the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the heartache, and every mixed emotion inside me. I stood there on the boat dock, lightly rocking back and forth, exhaling out everything inside and inhaling the salty ocean breeze. Staring out into the beautiful dusk sunset parallel with the dark ocean- it was the perfect medicine to the end of a long, hot, and heart hurting week. 

As the saying goes by Isak Dinesen, “the cure for anything is saltwater: sweat, tears, or the sea.” I had a week filled with an abundance of all three.

[doris-dayz]

worldy things

Sometimes you get everything you asked for Handed to you on a shiny platter It’s so perfect that for a second you think it’s from God. I didn’t know it then but I had made a deal and danced around with the devil That when I woke up  I was more broken than before.

-d.yy.j

[doris-dayz]

Caught up in my dreams and forgetting I've been acting like Armageddon 'cuz you held me in your arms  just a little too tight

Lana Del Rey, White Mustang

[doris-dayz]

I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to be here. What is the point of life.

[doris-dayz]

Living does not feel like living. Lately I just feel like I’m just a blob, this existing lump of body. My grandma is dying. And we’re supposed to just ... sit here. and wait. I don’t know. I really thought I kind of figured life out, after my own near death experience in 2012, but nope. This is a different kind of misery. There is nothing I can do to help her. But just... pray and sit by her. The images of her struggling will forever be engraved in my mind and it makes me break out crying thinking playing the scene back. She is in so much misery suffering. One breath requires so much effort. She’s just... so miserable. Is this what the end of life looks like. I wish she could just be comfortable. I don’t want to let her go but I don’t want to keep seeing her suffering. I don’t know what is what. 

[doris-dayz]

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me”.” — Erma Bombeck

[doris-dayz]

I can’t write anymore. Not like I used to. I wonder how I used to write daily. I guess it really makes a difference when you write regularly because it keeps your writing juices flowing. 

I know I purposely stopping writing regularly after I got sick 4 years ago because I found it did more harm than good but... I do miss it. Because I still have all these thoughts, feelings, and ideas in my head except that now I suck at relaying them in writing. I thought halting my writing would stop all the crazy, constant, OCD emotions I have but nope- feelings and thoughts still there, and now one writer down. I can’t write anything quality anymore. 

Maybe if i start again? Just writing about my day? But then it’s so different now as a working professional... it’s just not going to be that varied of days as when I was still in college, or a hormonal teenager. All I do is barely pull myself out of bed, drive to work, work, drive home, eat dinner, tv, maybe a little reading, then sleep. Repeat x5. Weekends are so much more lame and mellow now too. Not much to write about when the most exciting thing I do in a weekend is get bubble tea lol. 

No crazy nights clubbing or drinking, no spontaneous adventures (at least not on a week day due to work), and definitely no over exaggerated hormonal boys to cry and weep about. The crazy clubbing drinking has turned into chill, relaxed get togethers with close friends with an easy vibe, spontaneous rando adventures still exist (or I try to still have them), but are extremely limited due to a combination of everyone conflicting schedules and lack of energy from the long work week. Instead, it’s a lot more planned events. Weeks in advance- sometimes months.  And boys? Well, when you’re 28 you kind of finally realize who you are, what your worth is, and what you deserve. Also, I just don’t seem to have the care nor energy to cry or chase fuckboys anymore. I think that’s a long gone pastime of mine that I’ve kissed goodbye (I hope. Knock on wood). 

This week will be great though because little brother is coming home to visit for one week. Haven’t seen him since the holidays last year. We always miss him. I don’t’ think he misses us as much as we miss him, but that’s okay. Because I’ll always love my little brother no matter what. 

Anyhow, I have to figure out what to take for lunch tomorrow. It’s a constant struggle every Sunday night. I end up eating out for lunch 50% of the work week even though I really try not to. Maybe one day I’ll figure it out. Tata for now!

[doris-dayz]

We had 11 truly joyful years of the deepest love, happiest marriage, and truest partnership that i could imagine...he gave me the experience of being deeply understood, truly supported and completely and utterly loved- and i will carry that with me always.

Sheryl Sandberg

What does it feel like being so deeply understood...wow

[doris-dayz]

Happiness

Happiness is finding happiness in God despite my circumstances. that i can delight in the Lord. 

[doris-dayz]

Dear Assholes at PurpleDot

The worst perpetrators? I can tell you yes. The worst perpetrators are Asian guys at Purple dot on a weekend at 230 am. This is from MY personal experience. They just HAVE to say something. Like do they not get that dwarfism is a medical condition. You’re making fun of someone for being born different and had no control of. Yet these boys They gotta get a figner pointing. A sneer in. A laughter in. A nudging or eyeing ur other sausage fest pal to ‘DAFUQQQQQ look over there at that midget HAAHHAHAHA!!!! SHITTTTT!!’.

Dear Asian boys at purple dot on a wknd at 230am:

Aww boo hoo is that unfair? That I’m calling you out? That I’m calling out only a specific demographic? Yes you. You who represents all the other Asian boys in America. And ruined it for the ACTUAL good guys. It sucks huh? That I said it’s Asian guys at purple dot who are the douchiest to me? Like do you really think I don’t see you laughing at me w your sausage fest? You asian boys are AWFUL. The WORST. Worse than white guys, Hispanic guys, black guys, etc. Basically you’re just awful to me period. Do you want to cry? did I offend you? well guess what

I BEEN crying bc of SHITHEAD little asian dickbags like you my whole adult life. Why am I crying?? ‘omg you’re so insecure get over it don’t cry just ignore the haters’. well Guess what buddy. Yes, I am a tough cookie. Yes I have thick skin bc I had to in order to survive. But I’m s till a human. I’m still a lady. I don’t LITERALLY have thick skin. I don’t have no sandpaper. I fuckin use only quality skincare from nordies now bc I’m getting old and need to take care of my skin so I actually have soft nice skin. I do not have sandpaper skin. SURPRISE.

It’s reality. It hurts to hear it right? That I said such a specific demographic of people who are assholes to me. but I’m not done- there’s a positive. things can change. Once you acknowledge something, admit, and understand the damage you did & desire to change. change can happen.

Your actions and offensive actions hurt me. I’m human. Nobody, NOBODY gets used to being ridiculed. That’s Not something you ‘just get used to by getting thick skin.’

And to all you boys who ARE NOT this dbag asian boy, thank you for being a genuinely kind man. But it’s possible some of these purple dot assholes I speak of, are your friends, acquaintances, coworkers, friends of friends, etc.

IDGAF if it’s purpke dot, trinity nightclub, the library, Las Vegas, church, KTOWN, Costco, WHEREVER. I DO NOT DESERVE SUCH POINTED FINGERS, ‘secret’ photos taken of me, sneers, laughs, and the ridicule. I DESERVE AND DEMAND RESPECT.

& if you are one of these boys this post is about, I want to say not go f urself, but that I thought you’re asian and asian community all about dat respect thing. Didn’t your parents teach you shit????????? Maybe it’s not you. Maybe I’ll just put the blame on your PARENTS. Yes your parents who work 12+ hour days. Your parents who came to America to give you a better life. Yea. Your parents. Ima just blame your assholeness on them. Let’s just say maybe they failed to raise you correctly by not educating you to have a fucking heart. Yes. Ima blame them for your actions. Does that boil your blood w anger????

Good. Bc that’s how I live everyday bc of ppl like you. Boiling in anger.

Learn some manners and respect. And don’t harass me mock me ridicule me just eat your fuckin baked spaghetti and honey walnut shrimp, mind your own business, & just leave me alone. AND LET ME ENJOY MY FOOD TOO.

LET ME EXIST. Without persecution.

let me live my damn life.

[doris-dayz]

I see them go one by one i see them go they leave me one by one awaiting my death how i wish i could move move from this ground move from my roots move away from my home I saw them go one by one i saw them go they left me one by one but i'm still here why i ask? the loneliness unbearable to intake the air the carbon dioxide the sun the rain all by myelf still living breathing out oxygen i don't want to be standing alone

-- Doris J. 2009

[doreese]

Mauerbauertraurigkeit

n. the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like—as if all your social tastebuds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognize its rich and ambiguous flavors, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double-blind.

[nbga]

You can’t have a good friendship with a person that doesn’t see an issue in their actions.

[rickgrimesbabyface]

It’s gross as fuck to tell people that no one will love them until they love themselves. Loving yourself is hard. Listen: you are loved, you are worthy of love and respect, and you can be loved even on the days when you see nothing in yourself to love.