The Long Road Ahead

I did a horrible thing. I hurt a lot of people, including myself. I don't know what happened, I can't explain it yet. Here, I document the process of trying to figure it out.

[lucyllawless]

[dormantsoul]

yassss

[dormantsoul]

This is not the end, but the beginning. All endings start something better. It is inevitable. Here is God's promise: Life proceeds, it never recedes. Life progresses, it never regresses. Not even death ends anything, so how much can this particular event matter? It is true. When one door closes, another does open. The movement of life is ever upward. Six months from today you will know this. For now, trust it. —Neale Donald Walsch

[dormantsoul]

When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire

[dormantsoul]

#Morley posted this today. He is so right. He gets it. We all do it. Only some of us get punished for it.

Morley

In our day-to-day life, in any given moment, we are usually one of two people. Either the person we present to the world, or the person that we are when no one is watching. The person we present to the world is some approximation of the person we aspire to be. The clothes and makeup worn, the demeanor exhibited, the measured manner in which we react and respond to things, even the secrets kept and flaws concealed are examples of the various methods we employ to convince the world that the role we play is genuine. Of course, while some people manage to create elaborate and strikingly different creations than what they allow the world to scrutinize, others may feel comfortable with a simply photoshopped version of their personality. For all intents and purposes they are sincere but maybe they soften their more abrasive quirks or vulnerable pressure points until they feel they can trust someone to reveal them. While it's tempting to say that social media is to blame for our duplicity, it's a behavior that must span the breadth of time itself. It is, however, a lot more easy to observe through sites like Facebook and Instagram. The idea of crafting a persona for the world to see that may fly in the face of the one that actually exists is much more profound and obvious when you dictate which digital images represent you. Maybe you want to be an exciting jet-setter who posts photos of all the exciting places you've gone and the beautiful toned bodies that surround you. Perhaps you want the world to see all the cool people you're friends with or the crazy nonstop party your life is. Perhaps you want the world to see your life as one big Anthropology catalog or someone with impeccable taste in music, movies and books. We carefully curate the image of our lives with photographs that hide the parts of our bodies we're self-conscious of, the amusing anecdotes that we share and the photos of children and pets that present us as competent adults. Of course it would be strange to include in your Instagram feed a photo of a fight with your girlfriend or a photo of you on the phone with the IRS trying to figure out why you owe them money from 2011. The banal and less than shiny moments in life don't necessarily need to be announced to the world via wireless hub to make you a genuine person- but we've all seen the hoops one can go through to deceive the world into thinking they are someone else. Someone cooler or funnier or prettier or more exciting. These may be benign deceptions but deceptions nonetheless. We all do it. Which is what makes it all the more ironic when we ourselves fall for it with others. We convince ourselves that everyone else is living some great, Earlybird-filtered life, free of self-conscious need for approval. I sometimes think there should be a social networking site built for the sole purpose of allowing us to create profiles that only our exes can see. We could focus so much more intently if we could cut through the less important people in our lives and just focus on the one thing that matters most- making our exes regret letting go of us. Upon signing up for an account the app immediately sends out a password to every ex-boyfriend or girlfriend you've ever had- this can also include people who you had a massive crush on but never managed to ask out or were rejected by. Maybe- and this is where I get real crazy, maybe you could buy a premium version of the app where the passwords you get sent to peep at your exes would all go through a filter that adds acne and weight gain and bad, frosted tips to their hair. The filter would add empty two liter bottles of Mt. Dew and stacks of unopened mail in photos of their apartment and sour expressions of discontent in the eyes of their new mates that say, "You were lucky to have dodged the bullet that is life with this schmuck." Wouldn't we all feel better? Sure we'd still be lying to ourselves but at least it would feel a bit more satisfying. 

[dormantsoul]

Working on it. In both the craziness and the smile. But not on hiding anything anymore. Because living an authentic life is about changing and evolving what retaining whatever good qualities we have.

Opening all the doors and windows.

#paulocoelho, #weareallcrazy, #smile

[dormantsoul]

And I would do ANYTHING to not be remember for the last thing I did that hurt so many.

#hurt #hope #morley #rememberme #forgive #moveon

[dormantsoul]

It's not supposed to be that way

You are supposed to know that I love you

But it don't matter anyway

If I can't be there to console you.

-Phosphorescent

And the reason I can't be there is because I caused all of you (C,K,T) all the pain and anger and possibly hate you all are feeling now.

If I only got a chance to show you how much I've changed and how sorry I am for what I did. Now I have an explanation, now I understand. A lot of it was my fault, my doing, my head, but never, ever, ever, my heart.

#imissyou, #givemeasecondchance, #betterme, #newme

[dormantsoul]

"Er ist weg, und ich bin immer noch hier"

"El se ha ido, y yo sigo aqui"

#imissyou, #getoutofmyheart, #getoutofmyhead #betteryetcomeback

[dormantsoul]

I need an ambulance, 

I took, i took the worst of the blow.

send me a redeemer.

Let me know if I'm gonna be alright.

Am I gonna be alright?

'cause I know how it usually goes,

I know how it usually goes.

I built a monument

for the love we used to know.

but that is far removed,

and you say that I'm gonna be okay.

and yeah, I'm gonna be okay.

but it doesn't seem that way.

No love, not today.

'cause I was told to get out

told to leave...

-Eisley

#getyourthingsoutoftheguesthouse, #amigoingtobealright, #lostmyfamily, #lostme, #lostmylove, #lostmydogs, #lostmykids, #lostmyfriends #lostmysoul, #alone, #scared

[dormantsoul]

"Some people sometimes want things that in the end won’t truly help them. Life is strange: the happier people can be, the unhappier they are. I have some friends that think they exist because they have “problems” to solve. Without “problems” they are nobody."

I am that friend. At least I was. I'm learning to be someone, not for what I can do for others, or how I can help them but for myself. It's so hard and I have to be constantly reminded by my therapist that I should be loved for who I am, not for what I can do. Hope one day clicks and becomes second nature.

[dormantsoul]

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

You can't make your heart feel something it won't

-Bon Iver

Same reason why I can't stop loving you. Damn illusion, damn the night that I met you. Cause you have crawled under my skin, and I have no idea how to get you out of my mind.

[dormantsoul]

There is no dawn without darkness

I'm just hoping my dawn is around the corner, cause I can't hold on for too much longer.

[dormantsoul]

So I don't have to do it.

[dormantsoul]

No one cries the wrong way.

[dormantsoul]

The beautiful irony with a a little touch of cruelty. If only the solution to my tears was that easy. I probably would be in less pain doing that.

[dormantsoul]

"Unfortunately you lie and sabotage yourself. You have burned too many bridges. On this end."

-KW

I get it, but I'm working hard on changing. I do not want to be remember for the last thing I did. In the end, the one that I hurt the most was none other but me. I still miss all of you EVERY FUCKING day.

[dormantsoul]