the pictures of his sister, of beth, were flooded around his floor and he couldn’t do anything. he was motionless, he was trapped in an endless stream of questions about what he should do, about what he COULD do. and in the end? he couldn’t come up with one answer, he couldn’t come up with one right action, one thing that made the pain that rattled his chest any easier to deal with. even once they were gone, even once he had watched her hands yank them off of the floor and shove them into their original home, josh couldn’t shake the feeling.
the feeling of seeing a ghost.
tears were welling in his eyes before he could stop them, his eyes blinking before he could register the burning that he knew would be accompanying them. josh wanted to walk out, to go to his room, to lock himself in isolation before anyone could see him the way he was right now. but it was too late, and the only thing he could do to protect himself? was to sniffle, throw balled fists at his eyes to dry them, his head turning away for the first time as he looked over at a wall.
“why? why do you have them? is this some kind of weird guilt thing? some kind of grief thing? she’s fucking dead, emily. she’s fucking dead. she’s gone. she’s not coming back. nope! she fucking hit a foul ball, and she’s fucking out of the game. for good. and guess what? there’s not a single fucking thing we can do about it. not a damn thing. so why? why do you have them?”
A GUILT THING HE SAID , because it was her fault . No matter how much counselling her parents put her through && no matter how much everyone told her that it was a freak accident that had nothing to do with her —— it was ALWAYS going to be her fault . Emily shouldn’t have been with Mike , Emily shouldn’t have let Jess instigate the prank , she shouldn’t have gone along with it , she should have gone after Hannah . She DEFINITELY should have gone after Beth when she’d seen her run off into the night . But she hadn’t , She’d done everything wrong && because of that the girls had died , Beth had died. She’d killed Beth . Fuck , God forgive her .
“ I know there’s nothing we can do ,Josh —— I just —— I just want to see her face , I can’t —— I can’t sleep at night thinking that I might forget what she looks like . “
Was that too much ?? Was it now obvious to Beth’s older brother what the whole truth was , why she had the photos , why she spent so much time round the Washington house && why she’d been so quick to help clearing out the girls rooms ?? Damn , this was the worst fucking way that Josh could have found out . What did she look like now ?? A pervert , some kind of twisted shit that gets off on dead chicks . She wanted the world to open up && swallow her before this conversation went any further .
“ I’m sorry —— I’m so fucking SORRY. I —— I shouldn’t have come .”
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