Ok so, when a parent is considered healthy???I mean I've read a lot of articles about abusive parents but how does a healthy parent look like??
That’s a really good question! And I’m going to answer it with a list of traits good/non-abusive parents have, based on my experiences with my dad, on my friends’ experiences, and on other posts on the matter I’ve reblogged before with the tag #good parenting (links included). If anyone has something to add to the lists, please go for it!
I would like to preface this by reminding everyone that nothing is black and white: some abusive parents will have traits typical of healthy parents, and some non-abusive parents won’t have all these traits. I don’t want anyone to read the list below and think that since their parents fit one or two of the traits, they can’t be abusive. My own abuser fits some of these!
With that out of the way:
What does a healthy parent look like?
1. When they do things wrong, they own up to it.
No parent is perfect. Every single parent makes mistakes and hurts their kid without meaning to at some point in life; maybe by insisting too much or asking too many questions when their kid just wants to be left alone, maybe by not supporting their kid enough because they don’t notice their kid’s needs in time...
But the difference between a non-abusive and an abusive parent is that, upon realising they are doing something hurtful, non-abusive parents will apologise, will admit without a problem that what they did was wrong, and will do everything in their power to do better from now on. Because they care more about their kid's wellbeing than they do about being right. They care more about their kid's needs being met than they do about being held accountable.
Many abusive parents, on the other hand, will deny ever doing something wrong or look for ways to justify it, such as shifting the blame to the kids for making them mad. If you try to talk with an abusive parent about how they made you feel, they may say you’re attacking them or disrespecting them; they may call you weak/childish/disgraceful/selfish, they may act like they’re the victims in the situation, they may ignore you altogether, and a long etc.
Which brings me to the next point:
2. They don’t punish or dismiss you for feeling negative emotions toward them.
When a parent is not abusive, things like disagreeing with them, arguing with them, bantering with them, and even purposefully riling them up/rebelling against them are safe to do. Sure, they may get mad; but you won’t be scared of them if they do, because they won’t resort to violence, threats, insults, or ghosting: your basic needs as a human (including food, safety, comfort, emotional and financial support, etc) will never be at stake.
3. They allow you to have privacy, autonomy, and boundaries.
They knock and wait for your reply before opening the door/walking into your room. They don’t rummage through your things or go through your phone unless they have explicit permission from you to do so. They don’t get involved in your personal life behind your back, or force you to disclose information you don’t want to freely give to them. Even if they give you (a realistic amount of) house chores to teach you about responsibilities, they allow you to manage your time and do them whenever it’s most convenient for you, so that you can decide when to take a break/do things you enjoy, when to do homework, and when to do your chores. They don’t demand that you be available for them at all times: you can have time off to play videogames, read, go out with friends, or just scroll through your phone without having to be ready to help them/spend time with them on demand. And if they do want you to do something with them, they will offer to spend time together and allow you to say no. For example: “Hey, kiddo! I’ve decided I’m going to bake some muffins/go to the mall/go for a walk, do you want to join in?” “Aw, that’d be cool, but I’m chatting with some friends on Discord right now!” “That’s okay, have fun! 😁”
4. They give you good kinds of attention.
Following the previous example, it’s not enough for a parent to not give you bad kinds of attention, like demanding you spend time with them when you don’t want to, demanding you disclose information to them, etc. Non-abusive parents will ask you about your day. They'll want to spend quality time with you, get excited about the things you’re passionate about, share their hobbies with you, and respect and show interest in yours. They’ll let you enjoy your personal time and do things that don’t involve them, but you’ll still probably have things you love doing together, like doing puzzles, cooking, watching movies, going on walks... or anything else!
Non-abusive parents will encourage you to be who you are, to try new things and give up the ones you don’t like; they won’t blame or mock you for changing your mind about your career path or your extracurricular activities, and they’ll celebrate your successes with you and support you and encourage you when you don’t succeed, instead of pointing out your flaws and failures or labelling you a “bad child” and giving up on you. They’ll be your #1 fans and support you when you struggle!
That being said, of course, they’ll hold you accountable for your mistakes; but always with the aim of supporting you and raising you into a healthy, happy person who can understand that other people also have boundaries, and not for the sake of making you feel bad or to “prove” you’re worse than them, or than your siblings, or than anyone else.
5. They protect you from their problems.
Obviously, this depends a lot on the kid's age; a 16-year-old will have a lot more skills to understand and help with certain adult problems than a 6-year-old.
But if, for example, the non-abusive parents of a 6-year-old are stuggling financially, and they can’t or choose not to keep it from the kid, they will not make the kid feel like they’re causing the problem by having needs (such as food, doctors, heat during winter...) or make them feel like the problem is their responsibility. Something many abusive parents do is tell us/make us feel like things that are completely beyond our control are somehow our fault, and when we’re still not done growing up (even at 16!), feeling like we’re somehow the cause of a problem we can’t possibly fix can be deeply traumatic. So a non-abusive parent, instead, may let their kid know about the problem in a way that the kid can feel like they’re helping fix the problem. For example, for a 6-year-old, they may make up a game where any time you catch a light turned on in an empty room at home, you have to turn it off. And then when the kid proudly says they caught two lights on and turned them off that day, the parent will act super proud and give them a hug! Instead of, for example, complaining in front of the kid about how many lights were left turned on or accusing other family members.
And that’s all I can think of! But before I conclude this post, I would also like to bring some attention to what having a healthy parent feels like, because I think that as much as we try to differentiate between abusive and non-abusive/healthy parents, at the end of the day, the most important thing is how their behaviours affect us and make us feel.
So, going by the previous list, here are some ways having a non-abusive parent feels like:
1. You’re not scared to bring up negative or positive topics with them.
You’re not scared to disagree with them, to be angry at them, or to say “no” to them. You’re not scared to let them know things about you, or to share the things you’re excited about with them. If you have healthy parents, you’ll probably want to call them or text them when you receive good news! You’ll want to celebrate your successes with them, and you’ll also feel safe going to them for help and comfort when something bad happens to you, because you know they won’t judge or punish you for struggling and that the most important thing to them will be making sure you feel supported and safe, and not whether or not you messed up.
2. You’re comfortable sharing a space with them.
You don’t mind or fear dancing around in the living room while they watch TV, going for a random snack, or pacing the hallway while you study for your upcoming exam. You’re not scared they’ll demand your time, scream at you, or interrupt you. You’re not scared of them acknowledging your existence and presence in the house; crossing paths with them while you’re all going about your afternoons is a non-event, and so is them walking up to you to ask you something.
3. You enjoy spending time with them.
And you don’t do it out of guilt, fear, or obligation. You do it because you feel like it, because you like sharing things with them, because it’s fun! And not despite your body screaming at you to be as far away from them as possible and your brain telling you you’re a bad kid for not wanting to be around them in the first place.
That is all—thank you for this ask and I hope the answer helps!
Edit: I would like to reiterate that nothing is black and white, and that it's completely possible to not fit neatly into all the categories described above. It's possible to have good parents and still not enjoy sharing activities with them because you have depression, or to have good parents but not be able to trust them because someone else abused you, or a long, long etc. It's also possible to enjoy doing certain activities with your abusers, or to have good memories with your abusers. And, again, a long etc! I don't want to invalidate anyone's experience—just to hopefully help people with abusive parents understand how healthy relationships with parents usually work so they have something to compare their experiences with.
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