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@one-abuse-survivor
Pinned post to keep track of the oldest unanswered ask so no one has to wonder if I haven't answered their ask or if Tumblr ate it. Currently NOT replying to them in order.
Oldest unanswered ask is from: June 23rd '24
(You can turn on post notifications if you want to make sure not to miss my reply!)
hi teaboot. anon with four siblings who moved out here. i am...the lowest ive ever been. i thought it was suppose to get better now? but im shing and so apathetic to everything. my siblings were fine, my parents pulled it together when I threatened them with police. but. i don't understand why its *now* im depressed
Not a word of a lie, this happened to me too! And I promise I am not bullshitting you when I say that this is normal and expected and EXTREMELY common.
The thing is, you've been in Survival Mode for a while. Probably a long time. And now your itty bitty lizard brain- the part that's been been clocking in overtime hours to sense and predict danger and mitigate crisis scenarios and plan escape routes and secure resources and so on- is no longer single-handedly keeping everything running by itself.
That bit of your brain has been working non-freaking-stop every waking minute for however long you've been in whatever clusterfuck you got out of, and it is now miraculously on its first ever vacation.
It's burnt out. It's exhausted. And now that it isn't running the show, the rest of your brain is scrambling to figure out how to make things work.
You're not in active danger anymore, so lizard-brain CAN take a rest without everything burning down, but... what now?
Emotional Brain has been helping carry Lizard Brain's load, but now it has a shitload of paperwork to catch up on. Like, YEARS of mismanaged backlog that it's just been jamming out of order into filing cabinets and spare storage boxes to deal with later.
Desires Brain has been keeping up with "food" and "don't die", but.... it HAS those now. So... what else could it possibly want? Everything? Nothing? What even IS desirable beyond survival? Goals Brain needs an answer before it can generate motivation. Fear Brain, too. Also Action Brain, and Motivation Brain.
So you're not being piloted by Lizard Brain anymore. That's good! "Keep Human Functioning Constantly Forever" was NOT in Lizard Brain's job description. But now that it's let go of the reins, the rest of Team Brain is going to need some time to figure out how to do their actual jobs the way they're supposed to, and they are WAY behind.
So my best advice is to let them adjust. Rest. Keep things simple. Help them out by establishing a regular routine- home life, work life, regular meals, regular showers, regular sleep.
Once that routine is established, you can ease of the training wheels by trying new things, new foods, new places, new people.
Help Desires Brain by experimenting, figuring out what makes you happier and what doesn't. What kind of fabrics you like, what kind of tastes you enjoy, what kind of work is pleasant and what is merely tolerable. How you enjoy being treated and what boundaries you'd prefer to maintain.
Help Emotions Brain by taking your time with strong feelings as they happen. Pause, consider how you feel, where those feelings live in your body, what physical sensations come with them. When those sensations appear, do they correspond to feelings? When? Why? Are they rational? How do you want to handle them?
Develop goals and plans from these findings. Once "tomorrow" or "next week" aren't an incomprehensible void, let yourself imagine a "next month", a "next season", a "next year".
Make stuff for fun. Save up to buy things that improve your daily life. Decide what kind of places you like to visit and when. What relaxation looks like, what self-care looks like, what a good friend or partner or coworker is.
You probably feel pretty shitty right now. You're probably going to be detached, or numb, or low, or even depressed, panicked, scared, or empty.
But eventually- once Team Brain starts to get a handle on things- the Empty and Dead will be less. New stuff will appear, like Angry and Sad and Joyous.
You're gonna Want things again, and be Excited again, and Look Forwards To things again.
It's gonna take time, though, and work, and it's definitely gonna suck sometimes, especially on days where it seems like you've gone backwards, or like you haven't moved at all.
It's not forever, though. It may SEEM like it, or like nothing else is even possible, but it isn't. I've got no damn reason to lie about that. I've been there, too.
It sucks right now. Might suck tomorrow, too. But eventually it won't. You're going to be happy, and safe, and you're going to enjoy your life and feel all kinds of love and joy and wonder again.
You're going to be okay.
It sucks right now. But you're going to be okay
When I was in therapist school one of my profs said, "A lot of trauma needs 10 or 20 years before it's really ready to be worked through. Maybe longer." And at the time I was like: Oh Shit. I planned to be over my trauma and all better by the time I graduated!
Anyway, that was 10 or 20 years ago and jesus fuck, she was right.
A brief explanation:
One of the most popular theories of trauma says there are three steps.
Escape the trauma and find safety.
Process the trauma.
Consolidate the trauma.
Sometimes this can be a relatively quick process. If you get into a car accident while turning left in a busy city street, you might get trauma symptoms that cause feelings of fear and anxiety when you're driving your car, or travelling by car through a busy city.
"Finding safety" would mean learning to handle your anxiety and fearfulness by re-training your body to seek calm, even when reminded of the trauma. This might include things like breathing or muscle relaxation exercises that actually affect an anxious brain and help you stay centred, as well as slow exposure to situations that are stressful and traumatic so you learn to tolerate them again.
"Processing the trauma" means to look back at what happened that has given you significant psychological symptoms, and re-process those memories and the lessons you took from them so they are less damaging or hurtful. That might be revisiting your memories of the accident until they aren't so painful to think about, or it might be working to be more comfortable with driving again.
"Consolidating the trauma" means that when you've settled those memories, you take your new, healthier understanding of yourself forward into your life. That might make you a more cautious driver, or cause you to be more mindful and value every moment because you've seen how quickly your life can change. It is what you make of it.
When you try to do these steps out of order, that's more of a problem. If you want to dive straight into revisiting your memories of something that happened, but you have no defense against the panic attacks and nightmares that remembering causes you, you're not safe, not so far as your brain thinks. Your brain experiences raw memories of trauma as though it were still happening all around you. You can end up even more traumatized than before, so that even seeing a picture of a car makes you feel like you're back on that street waiting to turn left.
If a trauma is particularly old, complex, or strong, it can take a long, long time before you actually feel safe enough to go back into the memories that haunt you most. That's especially true if you're still in a situation that feels threatening, like if it's your job to drive around downtown. Or in other situations, if your abusive parent is still alive and in your life, or if you're still a member of the group or club you were abused in.
Even with our best therapies, like EMDR and DBT, it can still take years to reach that place of safety. Like my prof said, sometimes it's a decade. Sometimes more. I'm almost 40, and this week I finally felt safe enough to open up a file of memories that happened when I was 4. But until you reach that place, it's really hard to unpack the trauma and look at more complicated questions like, "Are the assumptions I made back when that happened accurate or useful?" or "Is it beneficial to me to keep being afraid of this kind of situation in the future?"
Also, about this process of finding safety, and how it can take so long. There's this bit from a Cheryl Strayed/Dear Sugar article that I have been living by ever since I discovered it maybe a decade ago, where she recounts having to give advice to a teenage girl at the school she works for, after they've learned that none of the government services that could get her out of her deeply shitty life have the budget or inclination to help her. It's brisk and a bit raw, but for me, it has been the permission I needed to fight like hell.
I told her that escaping the shit would be hard, but that if she wanted to not make her mother’s life her destiny, she had to be the one to make it happen. She had to do more than hold on. She had to reach. She had to want it more than she’d ever wanted anything. She had to grab like a drowning girl for every good thing that came her way and she had to swim like fuck away from every bad thing. She had to count the years and let them roll by, to grow up and then run as far as she could in the direction of her best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by her own desire to heal.
Just because I wasn't deconstructing the shit that happened to me when I was 4 for the past couple decades, it doesn't mean I wasn't working on my own healing. I did all the work that got me to here and now.
Also this bit from Paladin of Souls by Lois McMaster Bujold:
You can't solve problems by running away from them, it was said, and like the good child she had once been, she had believed this. But it wasn't true. Some problems could only be solved by running away from them.
The really unfortunate thing about mental health progress is that sometimes you realize you've made it in the form of "wow, I haven't felt this bad in a fucking while"
On the one hand it's a bit of a pick me up in a dark place to know that this will pass because it has passed before on the other hand sometimes it isn't entirely a pleasant thought to go "wow, I used to feel like this all the time. That was pretty fucking bad. It's pretty bad right now too also."
Someday your current baseline will be the sort of thing you consider A Really Bad Day. It does get better.
i think my parents are parentifying me and I'm just really confused and everything because I cant let myself hate them because they're just people who deserve love and make mistakes but I think that's because they parentified me I see them like they should have seen me. I give them so much benefit of doubt while I get none. they're zionists and super bigoted and it really sucks. and I'm just so tired of being the one who's steady. and getting support from them makes me feel physically ill. I have a younger brother and we physically abuse each other a lot, never sexually but we hit each other in anger, he'll do things to trigger me, I'll yell at him, because I cant handle weakness or vulnerability and I never show it and he's so free with it. I'm just so tired. I cant escape, I'm way too young. I might run away. but I don't want to leave my brother alone. I am so tired. what do I do? my area is cold during the winter and I'm scared of going to a homeless shelter, I'm not old enough to work, and I have trauma surrounding sickness so I cant treat my brother if he gets sick without having panic attacks every other second. cps doesn't care, I don't trust the cops, and everyone I know is directly attached to my parents. I might be able to pass as 15 if I try, I can tutor for Hebrew and english and a bit of Spanish, I have a place I can stay during the day, but not the night. any advice? thank you!
Hey, anon, sorry for taking this long to reply. I could try to give advice, but given that this ask is 2 years old, I think chances are high your situation won't be exactly the same and advice won't apply. But if you're reading this and still need advice, please, do let me know!
I'm really sorry you went through all this. You're right: all the compassion you feel towards them and their circumstances is one they should be giving you. Parents should always be the steady presence in their children's' lives, at least while those children are underage, and not the other way around. I'm so sorry they've put you and your brother in this situation.
I hope you're doing well, or at least better. Feel free to let me know, if you see this. Sending much love your way, anon. I'm truly sorry you went through this.
Hi! I have maybe a complicated question 😅
I believe im a good person, i think this because the people I surround myself with are really good people and I think thats a reflection of myself, which i hope doesnt sound like im egotistical or anything 😅
ive been thinking a lot about my parents lately. I'm doing a type of therapy atm called CAT, and its really really helping! I just cant stop thinking about how i was raised and how its made me become the person i am today. I'm 20yrs old, i moved out a week before my 19th birthday, so I've been on my own (like without parental help if that makes sense haha) for just over a year. its just, they abused me, and it wasnt like they were beating me up every day or anything but it was some deep emotional stuff they did to me. getting in my head, insults, threatening violence and sometimes super graphic violence, or i mean it was physical sometimes but not insane like the emptional stuff was yk? and idk despite all of that, they instilled good values in me from a young age. be polite, have manners, how to treat other people, how to have and majntain friends, etc. like i just wish they didnt abuse me so i couldve actually had a good childhood where i was safe and i could acc remember things. so much of it is blocked out and i just want to go back in time and tell someone because maybe then it'd been different, maybe id remember more things. or remember way less cos foster care isnt so good around here. idk. i like who i am today and i think thats enough. ik i shouldnt obsess over the past, and i really am trying hard to not do it as much, but it just makes me so angry. im an sen (special educational needs) teacher and even though some days can be so tough and frustrating all i can do is just empathise with the kids. how did my parents do what they did to me when i was so clearly struggling? i cant even imagine doing that to a kid it makes me wanna throw up, how did they do it so easily, everyday, with no remorse??? i think im in my anger stage which seems to be just as hard as the denial stage. i think about fate a lot and wonder if i had to go through all of that to be where i am today. that if i didnt, i wouldve never have met my partner or have so much freedom as i do now. i just dont understand the why to fate sometimes though. its just not fair. trauma adds character, sure, but surely theres other ways of achieving that without having to endure so much pain.
through having the CAT therapy, im seeing a lot of patterns in my behaviours that originated from trauma and it makes me wonder who am i?? all my reactions, behaviours, etc, is all coming from a place of constant fear and being unsafe, now that i am safe, those dont work anymore and are just causing more problems than theyre solving. i just feel so far behind everyone else, yet at the same level as everyone else, if that makes sense. like people have their own traumas and whilst they might be ahead in some sectors, behind in others, theres a lot that makes us at the same level. thoughts like that help me not be so hard on myself, and help me understand people more ngl. but im just so angry still? when does the anger go away?
im sorry this is so long, and ventured off of my original question😅 thank you so much for reading this and helping both me and everyone else with whatever is on their mind. youre an amazing person 💕💕
Hi, anon! Sorry for such a late reply.
I take it your question is when does the anger go away, and I think, in my personal experience, it comes and goes. I don't think it'll ever fully go away, but it also won't control your life forever. There'll be a day when it isn't as present, but I think there will always be random moments when it'll catch up to you again and it'll need you to pause and let it take up space again for a little bit.
I think anger is a really important part of healing from abuse. Because the part of you that gets angry is the part of you that loves you; that wishes you'd never had to suffer so much, that knows you deserved better than that, that wants to go back and take your child self to the safety they deserved.
Regarding the rest of your ask, I don't personally believe in fate, though I do believe in reaching a point in recovery where you can appreciate who you are today, and how far you've come, and your positive attributes, some of which might have been strengthened by a long process of recovery and rebuilding your life. I still firmly believe no one deserves abuse, and abuse does not make us better, or stronger, or kinder--it makes us more paralysed by fear, more vulnerable, and less present, but it doesn't make us stronger. If and when we reach a point where we feel stronger, it's because we have made ourselves stronger in spite of the abuse we endured.
Likewise, your parents don't get to take credit for the good values they raised you with. Obviously, having a good role model in some aspects during your formative years is better than having none, but the truth is you're the way you are today because on you, not because of them. Because the same way you learned to treat others with kindness, to care for people more vulnerable than you, and to nurture your interpersonal relationships, you could've just as well learned to be cruel to others the way they were to you. So, yeah, the credit for being the person you are today is entirely yours.
Sending virtual hugs, anon. Hope you're doing well!
Is it normal & okay for parents to repeatedly tell you to “help out more” while barely defining how so beyond housework & taking care of younger siblings & then get mad at you for not “helping out” enough repeatedly?
& When you do help out more, they get mad at you for doing too much?
I do not think this is normal, no. Obviously, helping out at your parents' home is reasonable to some extent, but I agree that if parents never define how they want you to help out and then repeatedly get mad at you for not meeting their expectations, that creates resentment, stress, and trauma in the long-term.
When we get into the territory of forcing your children to be responsible for their younger siblings, that's parentification, which is a form of abuse and neglect that creates lifelong trauma. You're not responsible for taking care of lives you didn't decide to bring into this world. You're not responsible for parenting your siblings or making sure they're safe/fed/taken care of/entertained. You're their child too, they should be taking care of your and your siblings, not forcing you into a parentified role.
I'm sorry you went/are going through this, anon. You deserve better than this.
Sending a virtual hug.
I don't know if I'll be a repeat anon, but in the event I am; I wanna be the Moss anon (if thats okay).
Date: 5/12/24 - TW: SA, Drug use mention? Childhood trauma, depression and disassociation.
It's okay if you never publish this. I just, I think I need a void to scream into, maybe with some advice? I don't know. This is really heavy, and may be triggering for some (or many...) to read. Please be wary of the TW, it is not light. ----
I'm really tired, I haven't been sleeping well. For the past few days I've been plagued by thoughts, fragments of memories. Fragmented sights of awful, horrible things. I know I was abused as a kid I've never been able to recall how bad. But.. Me and my partner were talking, and I wanted to try and delve deeper into my mind, I've always wanted to work on remembering my trauma, so that maybe the nightmares at night could stop. Maybe I could work past it. But instead I made it worse.. I've been walking around in a daze. I've been twitching and flinching at nothing, sometimes I'll just drop down and cry, or scream, or both. Sometimes I won't be able to speak, and others I'll be so angry, yet so scared, like a trapped animal that's been starved. Both me and my partner wish we never tried. It's been awful. I think a repressed memory somewhere dialoged, I think a wall somewhere cracked. I've been having awful fits of PTSD flashes, I've woken up screaming and not knowing why. I think I was.. R*ped as a young kid, I think I was dr*gged. Memories of pain I've never felt, and it all lines up too perfectly with some other things I experience. I just wish it would stop, I've been crying, I've been hiding. My partner has missed several days of work but he can't miss anymore. I'm terrified of being alone, I'm terrified of something (someone? Someones?) I can't remember. And I'm so scared of the truth.
---
I'm sorry if this is too heavy, I understand completely if it is. I don't really feel better after typing this, but at this point i don't think I can feel better. I have so much more trauma, but this has been plaguing me. I just wish I could take it all back, I wish I never remembered.
I kinda want advice, I kinda want a void to scream into. I'm giving you full permission to toss this out if its too much, I can barely carry the weight of what I remember, but if you have any advice, anything at all... I tried to censor this as much as possible, I tried to cut out any of the... details.. Just know this is only about 5% of what I actually remember... No one else needs to feel the weight I carry. for the record, my pronouns are He/Him but I am AFAB if thats important, partners pronouns are He/Him too -TraumatizedMoss
Hey anon, sorry I didn't get to this before. I hope sending this still helped somewhat.
Don't worry, no ask is too heavy on a blog that's dedicated to the hard, heavy, painful, brutal topic of abuse. I do appreciate the TWs, but, yeah, I crafted this blog to be a space where these experiences could be discussed. So no worries there.
I'm really sorry this happened to you; both the sexual abuse as a child and the more recent retraumatisation when trying to delve into it with your partner. Trying to work through trauma before you're ready and without the proper professional support can be an extremely distressing experience, and I'm sorry you went through this. It sounds awful. I'm glad you had him by your side, at least, but yeah, I understand how nothing could make this easier.
I guess my advice would be to not force it again, which is a lesson I'm sure you already learned from this. But I mean even in therapy, if you ever do go. I've been going for 8 years and there are things I can still barely talk about. Last year I attempted to dip my toes into my own sexual trauma (which was not nearly as brutal as yours) in session, and we had to stop because in the middle of delving into it my head began to pound.
Ultimately, our bodies want to protect us from trauma we've been through so it can't hurt us again, and it's important to work on the trauma with our body, not against it, if that makes sense. Which, again, I'm sure is something you know by now.
I hope you're doing better. Sending all my support your way, anon.
Hello. I'm having a really hard time believing that I was abused because my mom had a much more abusive childhood and whenever I mention that something scared me as a child she reacts loudly and yells that I had a perfect childhood. I haven't been hit in 18 months and it makes me feel both that I was probably exaggerating and that I need to test everyone to see when they'll hit me.
Hi, anon, sorry for the late reply.
I really get what you're saying, and I remember feeling similarly when I was going through abuse. When you're actively going through it and being told you have it good compared to them, and that you don't know real suffering, and other such instances of gaslighting, it becomes really hard to trust yourself and your perception instead of theirs. Especially when things start to become better (or at least less horrible) and it gets harder to believe you weren't exaggerating when the worst of the abuse happened. I definitely relate to that. I remember being very cruel to myself during my teens for believing I'd been abused at all; I'd often punish myself for feeling hurt, because my mother was right, she was the real victim, and I was just whiny and weak.
I'm here to tell you you're neither exaggerating nor making it up. Abuse is not a competition, and having been abused doesn't give you carte blanche to treat others however you like without it ever constituting abuse. Abuse victims can be, and often are, abuse perpetrators themselves, just like my mother and yours. And I'm really sorry this happened to you. You deserved actual safety and love, not to be gaslighted and intimidated and abused like this.
I hope you're doing better now. Sending all my support your way.
Al anon. Once again
Tw: animal abuse
I tried my best but my room is not suited for a small kitten. I am sleep deprived, it was destroying my property and my eyes begun to sting.
It makes quite the sense if you have the smallest room in the house.
When I told ky mother that i cant have her in my room ( not that I am not going to take care of her) she was extremely annoyed no matter the fact that I was day ago to her thaz she is destroying cables of my electronic.
If I say to you that most of them is bought by me... Form the pc, lava lamp my.phone charger and the fact I am still a student, it felt so off when she said to not worry because the cat would bite through it afzer 2 months anf I should not worry about it now... So she was fine with the cat destroying my property. What is even more concerning js the fact she said that the cat will bite only once and then it will stop biting the cords after it zaps her. Yes the cat would stop to bite because *She would be dead*
Furthermore her behavior changed once I said I jsut cant have the cat in my room due to the multiplex things I that are disrupting my life in such manner that I cant do anything done. (let alone I have not dived into the emotional ist Roller coaster she put me through woth all the blaming, guilt tripping and such.) she was so happy to welcome the kitten and call it nice ture names but when I said we should take the care of it together she suddenly called it a little bitch being gery annoyed when it played with the trash can or with her beloved carpet..... How strange thaz it was completely fine when it was chewing on my stiff huh?
Even though I have a valid reason because I don't feel good emotionally and especially physically when we got the cat, she is throwung this hissy fits that wont stop with her narrative that I wanted a cat no matter how much wrong it is. It was like emotional torture tailored for me because she took the thing that I love a lot and twisted it into this who knows what mess.
I cabt have it because it is at ita own risk (the cable issue that my mother wanted to solve by just hanging the cables making it dingle and make the cat even more lured to it. And with my general rutine the cat beim at risk of being thrown out of the bed or squish because of course it jumps there.)
I just don't know what I will do with al the guilt tripping she does about the cat.
Ugh... I'm so sorry, anon. This is just awful and not something you should've ever had to go through.
None of this is your fault. I really hope things have gotten better since :(
Hello it's al anon again.
I did not expect to write so soon but my parents did something that I can't find that much information about. Do you have aby experience with parents pulling animals into the abuse?
My mother was searching for a cat two months ago, when our house was infested with mice, and my brother having lots of friends and contacts has arranged a deal with one people who had kittens to take one once it will be old enough.
I have figured this out after my mother had been guilt tripping me for two days because apparently I wanted a kitten.
They didn't ask me if I wanted a kitten my mother just out of sudden asked me if I want a male kitten or female kitten given that they already made that choice.
I was talking several times of the fact that I want one day a cat, but I always also mentioned I didn't have lots of stuff figured out. My plans were that when I will be ready and commited I will slowly start collecting all the stuff my cat needs, so that its not a big price hit.
Of course my parents have bought a really expensive cat litter bin (the last one I had a few years back my mother threw out so that's another hit to the next part) and because my mother wanted a carpet so badly she was really pissed at me.
Saying that I wanted a cat, that they bought things for my cat that I didn't pay for and saying other very hurtful stuff.
It just hurts a lot more because now there is another creature that is very much so small and innocent and didn't deserve it this.
There was such simple choice they could make of saying no to the cat and the owners would find someone who can take care of the kitty better. But you know. That is my parents and arguing is futile with them.
Of course I will try my best to take care of this cat as much as I can, vut I just wish she wouldn't use it for her guilt tripping.
Hi again!
First of all, I'm really sorry this happened. Yes, I do sadly have experience with animals being pulled into abuse: I had several pets growing up, mainly two dogs and a cat, and they all suffered immensely because of my mother's neglect and lack of accountability. Much like you, I was also blamed for anything that went wrong with them, because I "was the one who wanted pets" (and, in my case, I did ask for them; but all were acquired when I was 14 or younger, so she still was the adult who should've told me "no", and who was responsible for them. Not that she'll ever believe this).
I was also guilt-tripped when I didn't financially contribute to their maintenance. And I was told any suffering they went through (which, due to the neglect, was a lot, though I won't go into details) was "my fault" for asking for them.
So I really, really feel you, anon. I 100% understand the pain of watching another innocent creature get hurt in your household and being the only one who cares. I hope you know you're not alone in this.
I also hope you know none of this is your fault. You're not responsible for their choices or for the lives they decide to bring into their care, no matter what they say. I know this is easier to say than to believe, but I hope time and clarity will help heal this wound. I'm sorry this happened :(
Hello Al anon here. Thank you for answering to my vent. Here I am with another one, that might involve a bit religion, threats of violence and other.
I have encountered during my usuall living stuff a skit, that was on the topic of "Show your love to your parents who love you so much and don't overlook their love and care they give you as you grow up" skit, which yes. Those skits and quotes has a message that should be told and are done with good intentions. But when I saw it it broke me so much.
Firstly with the obvious fact, that my parents, except the fact that they brought me to this world and that I share the blood, are not my parents.
Because no parent would traumatize their child, forcing them to watch a very graphical movie about crucifying christ and force their child to watch just because when I was around 12 years old I didn't want to go to the church because those were always very long for easter and it was late and cold that day. Which I remember very well, that I was so afraid, that I knew I had to cry so much they would let me go and a reason why this year I had a panick attack just going to church.
No parent would be so agressive that they wouldn't just make arbitrary rule about washing clothes on sunday, when it never was issue and then project onto me that I was so mad, when I was looking for what they wanted and the cupboards were loud when I was closing them. Telling me/threatening me to stop and then raise her hand. If I wouldn't have shut up at the moment she would have hit me even when she will claim again and again that that is not true.
No parent would spent days justifying her actions and twisting the story to make it look like it just was such mistake or that I was making some face or that it was my fault and that is why she raised her hand but she would never hit me. She promises.
Even though I remember very fondly that at times my head hurt when she did that in the moments like this. When she slapped me because I was too angry at her or clench her fingernails into my arm when she wanted me to stop my behavior immidiately.
No parent would gaslight me when I would brought even the smallest problems just so they wouldn't discover that I think they are abusive to me, which is the most terrifying thought that I can have.
No parent would let the aunt obsess over me in such matter that she wouldn't leave me alone for 10 minutes and wants to dress me like a doll, acting like such creep. Then blaming me when she pushed me into my room to have heart to heart talk to me that "I should have just come to the living room where they were."
What is even worse is that it started to take the toll on me physically too. I am not getting enough sleep because I don't want to get up early and deal with them, yet I keep getting very light sleep when I keep waking up over and over again. Once even getting nightmare so disheartening that I cried for hour and had to go to my brother for a hug just so I could know I am no longer alone and in that dream.
I can feel my body being so tense that I just want to curl and hug something so badly. Which is why these types of videos hit me even worse.
Because even despite all of this that I have stated, which is far far from the actual real list of things they have done to me and which only happened in the near time, Despite the fact I can 100% say that they are being abusive and that I am not safe in this place, a piece of me wants it to be a lie, so so badly.
I am mourning the fact I never had parents that actually love me unconditionally, who wouldn't hurt me and be agressive. Who wouldn't punch me and set me to the downfall of the cruel isolation and self doubts about my hobbies nad my whole personality. Who wouldn't make me feel like I shouldn't exist in the first place.
And it just hurts even more when I realize that this is not usuall experience. Yes abuse is more common then people think it is, but it still is such stigma to talk about. I feel lost and different from anyone, just for the fact that I don't belong to the usuall group of the people who can feel that way of "Hey. I should show my mother and father love, because they love me and I shouldn't forget about this."
It digs into my fears of what if I am wrong even with this overcumbering evidence piling up again and again with me getting hurt when I try to get close to my parents, that when I will get out of that place and eventually cut them off that I will be doing mistake or that I shouldn't do that.
Which is even worse because I have to. I can't live with them and I can't let them threaten me and abuse me for forever. And definetly when I will become a parent myself, I won't wish them to see my kids and do the same thing they did to me.... and yet just the fact that I should one day cut off my own mother fills me with such deep rooted pain.
I honestly forgot as I was writing where I exactly was going with this, but thank you for giving a safe space for me and others who needs it to vent and thank you for reading this hell of a long post. It helped me just to write it down.
Please take care and I wish you a wonderful day.
Hi again, anon, and sorry for such a belated reply. I'm glad I could provide with a space for you to let all of this out. You've been through so much, and it's no wonder that post about showing parents love was so upsetting to see. It really is isolating to know your experience isn't most people's; but there will always be people out there who get you, and who'll help you feel less alone as you grapple with these feelings.
I understand that feeling of doubt that maybe the abuse is all in your head, even when you know it isn't. And I understand how painful it is to know that cutting out a parent is the only way you'll ever survive. Cutting out my mother was like ripping a part of myself out of my chest, but it had to be done. It's not easy, but there are better, lighter days on the other side of this process. But it's okay to grieve the parents you'll never have.
I hope you're doing okay today. If you're reading this, please feel free to update me on how things are going for you. Sending much virtual love.
Being years and years and years into abuse recovery is fun because it's like I'm fine. I'm fine! I'm super duper fine and most days it's even kinda hard to remember what struggling with CPTSD feels like!
And then your boss angrily yells your name across the workplace for a mistake you made and you're holding back tears and barely making it through the rest of the shift and dragging yourself back home and curling up in bed and sobbing and crying and choking on thoughts of self-harm and worthlessness until you pass out.
And it's like. Oh yeah. I have CPTSD
new illustrations available as prints🫶 thank you for the love🥹
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With Mother’s Day coming up, I just want to give a shoutout to all of those who are low contact or no contact with their mother or mother figure. So many people say “but she’s your___!” and I’m sorry that they push that on you. You are completely valid if you need/want space from your mom and it doesn’t mean that you’re bad or anything like that.
I also want to give a shoutout to those who have lost their mother/mother figure. Loss is hard and it can be traumatic and if Mother’s Day brings up bad feelings for you, you are so valid.
If Mother’s Day is hard for you for whatever reason(s), you are completely valid and that’s okay.
This is actually such a crucial part of healing from neglect and abuse and I have to add to this.
Because indeed, people who like you will not roll their eyes and sigh at the idea of accommodating your needs, they will value your voice and be upset with you about injustice done to you, not at you for "being difficult". They will be happy when you find a way to live a better life, and help you to get there. If you are struggling, someone who loves you wants to see you smile, not tell you to smile because "you have it so good".
[image: tweet by overlyxclusive: "when people love you they find joy in making life easier for you"]
Sorry, I know that you might not be responding to anon confession rn, so if this like infringes on your boundaries then don't respond! Trust me, I understand. Idk, I've been needing to vent and I can't really do so offline. Basically, I have been getting semi-bad grades, and at my school every time you get a grade below a 60 or so there is an auto send email that your parents get saying you failed something. Well, my mom checked my grades last night and pulled me into her room to yell at me about them. I won't get too too deep into the nitty and gritty of what she said so I'll just put the main points. Basically, in my house there are different levels of punishment for bad grades. Tier one is 'Amish' where basically you get all electronics taken from you and you are unallowed to be anywhere but school and home. You phone is taken and my mother is allowed to look through them at any point in time (this is the best out of the rest) Tier two is 'The Door' where basically you get your door taken for an undisclosed amount of time, it's given back whenever mother sees fit. (It's happened to me multiple times, and I've grown used to it) Well, my mother saw that getting the door taken away from me was no longer posing the same amount of fear as it once did. So, she came up with a NEW punishment. Tier three (the new one) is "Office". What she said is that if I fuck up after the door is taken then she will gut my room and turn it into a home office. She said that I would only be allowed to sleep on the floor in her bedroom and that my room would not be given back. I told my friends about this in carline today, and I didn't even realize how bad it sounded. Like, I knew it was kinda shitty but I was thrown off guard when my friend Izzy said "{blank} that's abuse. Are you okay, should I like, call someone or something?" Fuck, I feel so bad for telling her I didn't want to make her worry. Sorry, this is long. Thank you for reading. -🎱
Anon, I absolutely agree with your friend that this is abuse. I'm really sorry you've been put through this. I'm glad I could give you somewhere to vent, and if you're still checking my blog/reading this, I'd love to know if you were able to get out of this situation or otherwise get help, if you want to share.
Either way, I hope you know you didn't deserve a single of these "punishments". These are all extremely cruel, extremely abusive, and also, less importantly, extremely inefficient in getting a kid to perform better at school. What you needed was support, comfort, safety, and the knowledge that getting a bad grade wouldn't get you hurt at home. There is no excuse or justification for what she did to you.
Sending all my love and support your way.
