Miss Chief @downpourofrain - Tumblr Blog

I still can't talk about it without shedding a tear... it's been a dark year. I don't know if I can ever get past this.

Bumalik na naman lahat ng sakit... ang sakit sakit. Nanginginig na naman ako sa galit, kasi ang sakit sakit ng lahat. Di ko magawa yung assignment ko kasi ikaw at sya yung pumapasok sa isip ko. Alam mo yung iyak na sobrang sakit sa puso? Na kung pwede lang talaga tanggalin nalang to. Sobrang sakit. Kasi mahal kita. Mahal na mahal. Sana nakikita mo to. Lahat ng ginawa mo sakin. Sana maramdaman mo rin yung ganitong sakit.

#josep

When people talk or ask about you, I can only fall silent.

#josep

10.20.23

I dreamed that it was my birthday. In the office, my boss gave me a Ralph Lauren dress (kind of small for me) and a big polo shirt. Got off early from work to attend an event from KDI at UPD. Learned cool things about it. We had pictures which i hope to see on their official page. Registered to the fun run for me and a friend. Was chatting funny stuff with a friend while going home. Bought myself a bag and a belt. Then went home. Played valorant with online friends.. ang kulit ko. Lakas ng trip. Tawa ko ng tawa sa maliit na mga bagay.

Ngayon lang ako ulit tumawa ng malala.

...

Pagtapos kong araw araw umiyak. It was nice to hear myself laugh like that again. I hope this lasts. I'm exhausted from crying and feeling guilty na rin eh. I hope I can turn this into a more productive motivation.

...

I hope to be able to cope as soon as possible. I want to feel happy, content, grateful, and more stable. I want to be determined. I want to be confident with myself. I dont wanna dwell on the so many trials and trubulations i have gone through this year. I dont wanna ask why unfortunate things happened, why people left, why no one would understand or care for me. Gusto ko na lang matapos yon. I wanna move on. I want to be a ray of sunshine.

...

#diary #personal

Naalala ko na naman yung moment pagtapos nung procedure. Nakaupo lang ako, wala kong lakas magsalita, tapos niyakap nya ko, wala syang sinabi, naiyak nalang ako.

Bigla ko nalang ulit naalala sa gitna ng trabaho, bigla lang ako umiyak. Pero ngayon, wala nang nakayakap sakin...

#personal #josep #diary

Those Two Lines

Part 3 (7.14.15)

I took the day off because we're scheduled to see Kuya A. We met at UP NIGS. I was wearing a pink dress and a light yellow cardigan. He was wearing a blue longsleeved polo shirt and jeans iirc. He looked kinda formal that time. It was cute the way we met at NIGS. We walked towards each other and he was just handsome.

We ate lunch at NIGS before heading to Kuya A. The corgi that he used to send me pictures of whenever he eats was there! We kinda had a difficult time looking for his place. When we arrived, Kuya A. took my sonogram, asked some questions, and explained my options. He explained in detail the meds that I need to obtain, the process that I'll be going through, how he has to monitor me via sending him constant updates, and the follow up. He presented another option which in all aspects were easier and quicker, which I was very hesitant with because it really invasive. He let us think which one to choose over the week and we just need to update him.

We discussed the options. I was really afraid with the second option but it was the better choice. It was less expensive, it was quicker - less than an hour compared to the 24-hr painful process, recovery is quicker. I needed some time to think about it.

We ate pancit canton in front of AS (near FC) while he worked on his laptop. It started to drizzle so we went back to his car. He has to go to a bday party with his coworkers at 7pm. They were also planning to go hiking in Batangas the next day and he was not sure if he wants to go or not. He did extend the invitation with me.

We checked in a hotel near my place so he could pick me up early in the morning. Of course, we had a good time before he went to the party. I went home to pack my bag and went back to the hotel. It was already 2am when he messaged that they're on the way to the hotel. His coworker, Manu, went with him just to be sure he won't bail out on them. They drove to Marikina at his house to get his things then went back. They even went to the wrong hotel branch, lol.

It was good that the room we checked in had twin beds. Manu had the other bed and we had the other. At around 4am, we prepared to go to meet Dems (his doctor friend). Then we met up with the rest of his coworkers and headed to Batangas. We thought we wouldn't do the hiking anymore because it was raining hard. But they still did. I think Josep just couldn't say no when all of them wanted to go hiking (and I did wanted to go as well). I wore my blue XBOX dryfit shirt and black shorts... and white sneakers. I was so slow. It was muddy and wet.

We had a great time though it was really difficult for me cause it was the first hike I did in like 4 or 5 years. I did rock climbing in 2021 but that doesn't count as hiking. We took some pictures at the summit and ate pancit canton when we descended. Paul prepared his coffee which btw really tasted divine! We rode a tricycle instead of trekking down. Josep explained he wasn't comfy with showing affection publicly, which I understood.

We headed to the BNB which looked 100/10! So we settled down, the girls invited me to their room. I told Josep that I'll be sleeping with the girls and he joked "Ganyan ka naman eh" which I never ever thought he'd say lol.

The guys went out to buy lunch (which took forever!) while the girls went swimming in the pool! We exchanged stories. They kinda asked how I met Josep and told me that he wasn't really open with his personal life. He didn't even tell them that he'll include me in this trip!

So when they arrived, we were already famished. I think Kez, the main organizer, was so disappointed with what they bought, they just bought Lomi for lunch! She disappeared for some time. Everyone had some siesta but I was bugging Josep, because I just wanted to cuddle or at least hold hands but he was so uncomfortable. I don't know why I was clingy but he was really tryna be distant.

So around 5pm, Feb and Paul started preparing dinner. There was a lot going on. Dems and Josep were doing the grilled liempo (with the help of an electric fan - Only Areneo boys probs do this!), Feb worked on the (electric) grilled chicken, and Paul did the dish with shrimp, corn, and sausage... I forgot what it's called. I helped with preparing the table, the utensils were fancy so the arrangement looked classy!

So during dinner, it looked like one big happy family having dinner in Christmas. It was a core memory, unforgettable. It looked like I had a family. I was happy, my heart was full.

After dinner, so some were cleaning up and some went to play board games. Those were cool games. Josep fell asleep by 11pm and went upstairs I think around 12 or 1am. I stayed to bond with his friends and they asked me stuff about him so I did share details of how we met, what we are (dating)... Dems asked if I already met his parents to which I said no (I knew his question was loaded). He knew about my situation. Tbh, I think Dems was trying to see if Josep's serious or not with me. And y'all know he's not.

So I went to sleep at around 2am. I woke up kinda early. So I was just looking out the window while I charge my phone. Dems also was awake that time and played some music which had me teary eyed. We had a simple breakfast. Prepped to go home, Josep and I went with Dems. So during the ride, they were discussing some stuff then the topic went to GTPAL score. It will forever be in my record. Dems asked if I was okay. And I couldn't say yes.. he repeated it and I just broke down. I tried to calm myself down while Josep hugged me.

He dropped us off at the bus station. He bought pasalubong for his family. I can't remember what we talked about during the 4 or 5-hr long bus ride. We got off at SM Megamall and had lunch at Panda Express. I took a cab going home.

This weekend was more about destressing. But tension and anxiety still builds up. I was thinking what option to take. I thought of going for the more invasive one as it will only last quicker... I considered the experience of getting that menstrual cup stuck as invasive too although it isn't as deep probably. I guess if I can do that, I can do the invasive procedure too and it will be less painful. So by monday or tuesday, I told him my decision. He went by Thursday to assure me that everything will be alright. We scheduled with Kuya A. on Friday.

#personal #diary #josep

Those Two Lines

Part 2 (7.09.23)

After that talk, he became more caring. He always asked me how I was, what I was feeling. He was gentler with me. We scheduled the sonogram at a clinic where his friend worked. We met at the Sunken Garden, I waited for him while I ate taho. He picked me up. I was wearing jeans and a black sleeveless shirt, he was wearing a white polo shirt and khaki shorts. We were there at 9am but the doctor wasn’t in yet (will arrive at 1pm) and we needed the consultation first before the ultrasound.

So we decided to have breakfast at Jollibee and then go to SM Marikina to pass the time. On the drive to the mall, he was telling me Pinoy, Hapon, Amerikano jokes. :))) He told me why SM Marikina is his favorite mall.

Went to Uniqlo to look at clothes. Of course, I bought something. I tried on some dresses but I didn’t like them, I bought the shorts though. He tried some polo shirts. He was looking at jackets too. He held my hand at the mall. We looked around the mall and had some snacks at Auntie Anne’s. Then we headed back to the clinic. He was easily triggered by other cars in the road lol. The doctor still wasn’t there. We waited. It was already 2PM and he was waiting outside while I was inside. We planned to go to another clinic if the doctor was not yet there by 2:30. But she got just in time and fortunately we were first in the list. The consultation was a bit brief but it was kinda late when they told us ultrasound was not available.

So after getting the lab request, we set out to another clinic. He was stressing out because it was getting late and we might not be able to get the ultrasound done. The first one we went to didn’t have the ultrasound available. The next one, he was rushing but it was already their cutoff. He tried to plead to get mine done. I just told him we should go. He was really angry that time. He was stressed.

We tried calling the hospital near my place and thankfully they could get ours done if we get there by 5:30. It was around an hour and a half drive from Marikina. He was really getting pissed at cars. When we got there, I rushed to the 4th floor and they directed me to the payment first while he parked. He found me there and we went to the ultrasound department.

He was only allowed outside. So I went in, and it was a TVS. After the procedure, I waited with him outside. There were many families with newborns passing by. I got the result and I couldn’t help but cry. It was so little. It was just a dot. But it made me cry. “Di ko akalaing ganito gagawin ko sa unang baby ko” was the thought in my head. He looked at it and for a moment he was silent, I think there was some tears in his eyes. Maybe it dawned on him. He was consoling me and told me it was ours, not mine alone. He told me he also dreamed of it when he was a kid. It was a precious moment. But it wasn’t meant to last.

We went back to his car and had dinner at Racks. There he told me more about his family. Then we went home.

#diary #josep #personal

Those Two Lines

Part 1 (7.6.2023)

Last June 8, I was with Josep. He picked me up at my condo cause my place was undergoing renovations. Checked in. Fun times of course. He c*mmd twice inside. I was surprised but yeah loved it. Also accidentally got wounded in my crack lol. Cause he tried putting it in but yeah he failed.

Anyway, 4 weeks later... I still haven’t got my period. Et voila! Got those two solid lines. I was in disbelief. More like shock. I couldn’t get my thoughts straight. I cried. I don’t even know why. Maybe because this was unplanned. Because I do not know what to do. I cried some more. That morning, I showed him those two lines. I know he was also shocked as I was. He was asking what I wanted to do. But I just cannot process it, I couldn’t think. And I cried again. I was teary eyed while on the train. He called me at the office and I cried again. I told him because I felt like I was alone. He said he’s there. I tried to stop crying. I tried to focus at work.

I knew we had to talk. But he was gonna be late that night because of planned stuff with workmates (turned out they went to Ace Water Spa -_____-) haha. But he still came by my place late that night. We talked in his car. I cried. He hugged me. He assured me he’s gonna be there, that I’m not alone. He explained that he wasn’t ready. That he’s only starting with his career. And I do really understand. Cause I’m the same. I know I’m not ready either. He held my hand, he hugged me again. I cried. He kissed my head. He said he also has thought about all the things he needs to do if I decide to push through. Everything from telling the parents to finding ways to fund educational needs.

He said he knows he tells me that he’s not ready to commit. Pero sabi nya parang nagbabago na yon ngayon. I looked at his eyes when he told me that. I don’t know what his eyes were saying. It feels like he’s still confused. Sabi nya pa, “di kita iiwan”. Which made me cry even more. Because he never told me that before. Yun lang naman yung gusto kong marinig.

I told him which option I was leaning to. It was the same as his because we’re just the same unprepared kids. I was just really scared. At side effects. And what would happen to us after that. I was scared that I might regret doing it. I guess deep down I knew my choice. It was the less selfish choice.

He kissed me. Sweetly. Like some kind of assurance. We hugged. He assured me he’ll be there through the whole process. We discussed what we’d do. We kissed again, passionately. I wanted him so bad. I just couldn’t help it. I just melt when we kiss. I think we talked for about an hour and a half.

Then I went back home.

#josep #diary #personal

21 May 2023

Josep came back from his field work, a week in Tarlac. They got off in Trinoma and he asked me if he could come by. He knew i was there alone that weekend. It was a super quick ride, and I had no time to clean the house!?! But of course yes, he came.

He was tanned haha. I missed him so much. He told me about what they did in the rocket launch, how they played with a soldier's walkie talkie saying "bomb has been planted" (he was like a cute little kid), he appreciated the students' dedication to the project. We f*ckd. He even used my toy on me. Haha. He's only the 2nd guy I let in my room (other one was my ex). He took some pictures of my room which he said was for memories. He saw my bato bato pick trophy, my dog paintings, my PC set up, my bras were on the bed... my room was a mess. I even had enclosures around my bed because my bunny will go under and over my bed and may damage the wires. His dad called and before he could hung up, I *quietly* asked if he was going home already (I kinda apologized because he hadn't hung up the phone yet). But he still stayed for like 2 hours.

Man, I was dreaming of the day he would come to the house for years. Though of course it wasn't formal, I was happy to have him in my own room! It wouldn't have been possible if it were 2 years ago.

Anyway, we had a fun time. I walked him to the street where he could get a cab. I showered and went to bed happy.

So this is a really out of the blue dream.

05 29.23

I had a crazy dream about my architect! I wasn't even thinking about him and I have never seen him after my condo was finished. Also, he has a gf.

But in my dream, he flirted with me. I dont know how we came about lying together in a bedroom. He told me stories while I was laying on his arms. He even placed my legs over his. He asked if I wanted to go with him at a golf course (i think) in Australia?! He's gonna pay for it... I was like dude that's damn expensive. Total was like 200,000. Anyway, he then proceeded to go over me and of course we had a good time. I liked it. But it felt more like he was Josep.

Then I think he went home after. I was in a state of bliss. Even seeing my stupid ex did not change my mood.

When I woke up, I was confused. Because he has a gf whom he loves very much. Yeah that's it.

5.4.23

Last Thursday was kind of nice.

Josep came back from a family vacation. He asked if I was going home after work, so I said I was preparing to go home. He told me to go to UPD first. He had a meeting that ended late. So we met and we had dinner at Gyud Food and Mang Larry's. This was the first time we actually hung out outside in like 4 years. We had a nice time. Talked about tattoos, ordered lots of isaw (first time to try isaw!) and bbq, panini, hummus with pita bread, and healthy shakes, ranted abt how stupid the rules were at Gyud Food, laughed at how he mistakenly sat across some woman that he thought was me. That was really nice.

#josep #diary #personal

So my crush and I had dinner last night after an interview I had. It was fun, we had lots of things to talk about. But one thing I can't get out of my head was him playfully licking his spoon (ice cream spoon)... I just laughed it off but my mind was going crazy! He said he didnt intend to make it look that way, but he still proceeded to do it. Even now, I still can't stop thinking about it. Was he like trying to flirt?!?

He was also telling a green joke when I tapped his shoulder cause it was kinda funny and he kinda touched my lower back or something.. but it awakened sensations in me haha. He quickly withdrew after that. Then he offered to give me a ride to the spot where I can get a ride home. He then kinda hugged me on the way out. I couldn't help but notice how hard his chest was damn...even now that I'm thinking abt it, I'm already wet. Wtf.

God, I wish he would already make the first move. I wanna make out so bad with him.

16 April 2023

idk where to begin...

I just really have so many thoughts in my head.

The one taking up the most space though is of course Josep, who has been kind of cold with me in the past week. I decided not to initiate the message today but he has not reached out. It’s bothering me every time. And it shouldn’t. But it does.

I’ve started work in a government institution in March but has regretted it ever since. Mostly because of the low pay and how bad of a boss I have. I guess whenever I get struck by depression, I make very bad decisions. Clearly, I do. I do not know how to get away from here. Now, I’m stuck in a pit of desperation, clinging to the only rope I have to continue living.

I also recently dreamed of my ex and in that dream I still chased him. What kind of a fool does that?

I think losing someone always puts me in an unstable state. It triggers probably the abandonment issues I have. I always blame myself for the reasons they leave. I know it does not have anything to do with me... But it still shakes me to the core. I could not even focus on studying ffs.

I try to play with strangers to distract myself of all these unhealthy thoughts. And even that hobby is unhealthy. I play instead of studying. I play without a hold of myself. I play to drown the thoughts away, but my future also ends up getting drowned.

I try to pamper myself, keep my me time for self-care. But it’s costing a lot. I’m gaslighting myself with the unreasonable money I spend for taking care of my self. How would you maintain your sanity when every thing you need costs a lot?

Am I losing myself? My mind?

I don’t know what the future holds. But one thing I know, I’m struggling to keep myself alive when all I really want is death to end all of these thoughts.

Maybe that’s says something. Maybe that’s something my future self would be proud of.

#diary

Could not sleep 01 Mar 2023

I had coffee late in the afternoon with a crush (idk if he gay tho). Anw, havent heard from Josep for like 2 days. He only reacted to the memes i sent him. Is he now avoiding me?

I know it shouldn't really surprise me at all if he intends to avoid me. But i couldnt sleep. And it's bothering me.

I know i should focus on the things i need to do.but i cant help thinking what's wrong.

I want to tell him things... like i'm one of the presenters in a research competition. That i had dinner with class at via mare. That i had the chance to eat at the new food hub in campus. That ill be starting work probably next week. I just want to tell him things abt me.

But... what if he's dating a new girl? What if he's trying to cut me off this way? What do i do?

I know this is eventually gonna happen, but why am i still waiting for him? Why of all ppl am i still hoping it doesnt come to pass?

I still dont understand myself. I guess im thinking that he's always gonna be there, that he's constant in my life... but all good things end.

I despise change. Mostly because i cant control it and i have to adjust again. I thought it will not bother me anymore, having no confidant, no one to share my thoughts with. But it does. And i might be shattered once again. Im just so tired.

I want to run away, far away. I want to just be at peace. I dont want to feel pain and suffering anymore. I dont wanna feel alone. I dont want to have no one by my side. Cause there's just no point in life if you cant share it with someone.

#diary

Had the most surreal convo

So ya girl was flirting with a guy..

This guy she thought she knew (known him for years) told her something she never expected.

Ya girl told her about the girls’ night out twice in row. He even suggested ya girl should have taken home a guy and record the event and then give him a copy. But ya girl was with a previous coworker staying at her place so that couldn’t have been possible unless it was a threesome. Then he told her he wanted to watch her get fucked by somebody else...

Ya girl was only thinking about threesome (FMF) but this guy took it to a whole ‘nother level (MFM). The idea was hot enough to make ya girl lose her mind. She had to do her research on what this whole thing was about and why a guy would like that.

Turns out it’s called hotwifing or cuckolding - the pleasure comes from watching /knowing your partner get fucked by someone else. Still don’t understand how it works but wow, it’s the most bizarre thing ya girl has encountered in years.

#diary

19 Jan 2023

Today I did a lot of thinking.

From the guys I've dated to the boss at my first job. I'm in my 30s and I'm still as lost as ever. Unemployed, still not in a serious relationship, and is running out of my savings.

I only have my graduate studies. And I'm still unsure if I'm gonna make it to the finish line.

Funny how things don't work out as you planned them to. How your life is a joke even after 3 decades of existing.

I still can't sleep properly. I've no motivation to get up and find a job. I waste away my time with games. Getting angrier every chance I get. I'm not sure if I'm angry at myself for not being better. For being a quitter. For settling for things that I know are no better.

And for not finding the courage to change myself like I used to. My early 20s would have laughed at me. I was once strong but now I'm just so tired, so exhausted. I don't even know why. Maybe because of all the heartaches I've had, the dreams I've let go.

I thought 2022 was gonna be awesome, it was devastating. It was like finding light at the end of the tunnel but turns out it made no difference.

How do I get on? What do I need to do? Where do I begin?

#diary #personal

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