It’s not about the right or wrong decision. It’s about what I’m doing. The biggest complaint is the lost time...and what am I doing now? Just caught myself saying “I’m just here waiting for him” when asking myself “why aren’t you living?” I’ve been laying around crying & fantasizing & analyzing & trying to make myself more desirable, ALL the things I’m so resentful for habits by gone through before - but it was all me, it was always me. The addiction to imagination, to cortisol, to sleep & avoidance, that sleepy lethargy feeling of love so heavy you don’t want to get up. It’s me that succumbs to that, no one makes me lay in the couch for hours thinking. No one makes me cancel plans on my friends and family so I can focus on a dream, or out of shame, like they’ll smell the desperation on me. It’s all me. Not to say that people in my life never made choices that fucked me up, or that they didn’t encourage me to make myself a prisoner to strengthen their security, no, I’m not taking it all on, I’m not denying their tight grip. The important thing is, the freeing thing is, I know what I need to change, and I always knew. I think, “oh, I would feel so much better in general if I just got some exercise/drank some water/ate breakfast/went outside, but then the dream might end”. Always thinking of the end before the beginning. But it doesn’t need to be like that. In a way I feel guilt as well, that if I don’t make a choice, but decide to go about my life & take care or better myself, then I’m not solving the problem at hand, or choosing the more pleasant option by default. If I were to focus on my health, now, then that would mean I’m preparing for my freedom from the spell I’ve been under. Whereas, if I continue to let my health languish, and spend infinity pondering my choices & which one is correct, I’m doing the appropriate thing. This is ridiculous. I don’t know how I’ve managed to live this way for so long. In such suffering. Withholding joy from myself as punishment for entertaining the idea of being true. What self-flaggellation is this? Who taught me this? Or is it just so easy, so easy to sustain in a state of non-choice, equilibrium between two extremes, thriving in drama & tension, drawing inspiration from the pain of wanting both but having neither.
As an experiment I shall dream one last dream, then as Mercury squares Saturn, I will let go of the fantasy & start living, no matter the repercussions. The warning in the vision, it wasn’t the choice, that’s what she meant to tell me. All will be loved, all is well. It doesn’t matter. It’s just the living, getting out of that grave & into the fields, laughing & feeling alive. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Flowers.
