hii

secondary blog for mental health issues height: 1.86m or 6.1ft (yes, i'm a tall girl) cw: n/a yet | gw:53kg

[dream-on-dreamer]

journal july 9th 2021 for myself: (TW)

my mom just called me useless about a hundred times and had a big hate-on-me session so, weirdly, now I'm motivated to starve myself bc i don't fucking deserve or —deep down— want to be alive.

i had already eaten lunch and I've been eating normally for a few days so today I'll skip lunch and tomorrow I'll have dinner and 1 snack (cucumber type of thing) earlier if i feel rly hungry.

I will not binge.

I will lose weight.

Someone will love me. But i need to get thin first.

[dream-on-dreamer]

help a girl out, please:

what are good fasting apps that let you track fasts for as long as u like and edit the times of start and end?? the ones i've checked only allow the typical 12:12, 16:8, etc plans and i want to be able to track how long i fast, be it 7h or 24h.

Thanks in advance!

[dream-on-dreamer]

march, 27th 2021

just got back my period. feeling like a failure. i want my mental switch to go back to restriction.

[dream-on-dreamer]

today makes 11 days in a row that i binge insanely.

during the entire month of February i had no problem, i stayed around 400kcals and never binged.

how fucked up is my brain to go from a month of that to weeks of thousands of cals a day? i don't understand. i hate it and i want it to stop NOW.

Any self control tips? any words of wisdom?

[dream-on-dreamer]

hi

today i'm hating myself so much. i've been binging everyday for a week now. after a month of great work, progress and beginning to feel thinner and more comfortable in my body and in my clothes, I'm throwing it all away. And the worst part is that I'm not even hungry, I'm eating emotionally and making it all worse.

On top of that, my body hurts, my stomach and skin feel like they'll explode. It's not even funny, i am in so much physical pain rn, like it's not even just the "shit i failed, i suck" psychological pain but genuine physical pain that i'd never ever get from skipping a meal.

So why do i keep pushing? Day after day for the last week. Am i waiting for someone to put in the work for me? Only i can take control of my life. Has college been intense af? put up with it, that's life.

To myself: Get your fucking shit together because you are throwing it all away. And you can stop it, one decision at a time. I am begging you, right now, in pain, please stop. Skip dinner, go to bed at a decent hour and tomorrow be productive, do all the things you can that you've been postponing. Hour by hour, day by day, you'll get back up and feel good again, and be happy and productive and proud of yourself for being in control and continuing to develop self-discipline.

Please. Trust me, you'll thank me in the near future and even more so later on.

[vevisbutterflyaspiration]

“☆don’t let the mistakes and meals of the past control and direct your future☆”

—

Binged yesterday? Binged last weekend? Binged for the past week?

You can still start over. Step away from that food. You have a bright, thin future ahead of you. 

[dream-on-dreamer]

reminder to myself

[dream-on-dreamer]

i haven't been posting my logs bc i just use the app so i don't really need to post them here. I might start doing it again though, i'm just going with the flow so we'll see.

I got a digital kitchen scale today! i can finally track things accurately, the old analog one we had was impossible to use. Happy about that :)

GN

[cwote]

you are responsible for your own happiness and your positivity. so, make today a great day :)

[dream-on-dreamer]

reminder to myself

[cwote]

take a chance on yourself

[dream-on-dreamer]

something to remember

[dream-on-dreamer]

03.02.21 (dd/mm/yy)

food log:

breakfast:

-coffe

snack around 5pm:

-puffed brown rice w almond milk

dinner:

-zoodle miso soup (1L water, 1 tea spoon miso paste, zoodles, carrot, onion)

-one beaten egg in romaine lettuce wraps (microwaved egg so no oil)

-puffed brown rice with almond milk

TOTAL: 410 kcals

Notes: today i was feeling so, so tired and going grocery shopping took all of my energy out so when i got home i had a snack (first time in days that i don't eat only once a day) bc coke zero wasn't doing it anymore. I feel like i ate so much in comparison to other days but calorie wise, it's almost the same, so partly i could've stopped eating at like 320 kcals and skipped the puffed rice w almond milk but hey, no real harm done. I'm doing good. It's okay. I feel energised and still ate similar amount of calories as the previous days so I'm good.

GN!

[cwote]

Little steps every day add up.

[dream-on-dreamer]

motivation to keep going :)

[dream-on-dreamer]

02.02.21 (dd/mm/yy)

total: 417 kcals

i ended up just having 2 bites of the pizza i made for my mom (i overestimated kcals just in case), thankfully she didn't insist much on me having more so i had a salad and microwaved eggs and that's it for the day.

[dream-on-dreamer]

i'm making a homemade pizza for my mom and i'm scared bc i know she'll make me have some and i don't even know the amount of each ingredients we're using so i have no idea what the total calorie count is for the finished pizza but, we are using different high caloric foods so it'll be A LOT, and I've been doing so good the past few days that I'm afraid this will either slow me or trigger a binge.

tips?

[dream-on-dreamer]

01.02.2021 (dd/mm/yy)

total: 411 kcals

[dream-on-dreamer]

yesterday's log bc i forgot:

31.01.21

dinner and total: 370 kcals

again, i could've fasted bc i wasn't hungry but i rather stay on track and maintain low kcal than experiment and fuck up by triggering a binge or something.

have a good day everyone!

[dream-on-dreamer]

30.01.21

today i had 429kcals. doing pretty good. i honestly have more energy than when i binge until I'm so full i feel like exploding, so I'm happy about that.

have a good night!

[dream-on-dreamer]

okay so today's log:

i slept in this morning, then i had a coffee, started being super productive and had nothing else until dinner but gum, so today i had 441kcals, i wasn't even hungry so i could've fasted but a) i had to have dinner bc i was with my mom b) i don't want to fast and trigger a binge.

so overall I'm happy tbh, i stayed active all day cleaning and running errands and didn't eat much :)

note to self: this doesn't mean i can relax, it only means i am on the right path and i should continue to pursue it if i want to reach my goals, working for them when it's easy and when it's hard. i can do this.