a lot has happened since i last wrote...
for one, i still think you every day. it’s definitely less — i don’t even really know what i think about when i think about you but i do. the pain is buried deeply enough where it doesn’t bother me on a daily basis but i am hyper aware of its presence nonetheless. i can dig just a little bit and everything will come crawling back out. i haven’t dug in a while.
i have been seeing someone who makes me feel so desired... everything i always thought was true about real love. i know it’s true and real to us. i also know it’s unhealthy and not sustainable. i know i would be better without him. maybe he’d be better without me too. i imagine this must have been how you felt when you left me.
i am, for once in my life, ok with my body and who i am. i don’t feel like a princess every day but i also don’t look in the mirror with absolute disgust anymore. it’s really nice. and i think i’m finally coming into myself... the real me... the surer, kinder, simpler, more naive, more certain me.
all these things make me think of you. everything makes me think of you. that hasn’t changed. there is no one else i’d want to share all of this with — the discovery, the explorations, the revelations. it’s the last thing i want to do but i stay away because i know you’re better that way. i know i wasn’t easy to love and part of me resisted it... i know you know that. i know i know nothing.
i know i’ll be happy and maybe i’ll even forget about you one day. i wish i wasn’t dweller. i wish i could’ve gotten closure. i wish i could’ve seen you and hugged you one last time — knowing it was the last. i wish i could show you all the times you quieted my anxiety, supported me unconditionally, and breathed life into me. i wish i could show you all the ways in which you saved my life over and over again.
the more time that goes by, the less likely it is that i’ll ever see you again. i know that now... i’m so glad to have seen you. i’m so glad to have seen you at all.









