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“You have it in your power to make your days on Earth a path of flowers, instead of a path of thorns.”
— Sri Sathya Sai Baba (via spiritualgateway)
You in yourself possess the power of live and death. You decide your fate and fortune.
Bees, Daggers, & Waking Nightmares
Every now and then, I have nightmares about what you did to me. I dream about the shower or the bathtub where I was always trapped. I dream about trying to tell people what you were doing but no one listens. I try to protect people I love to no avail. You’re a monster. You haunt my adult life just as much as you haunted my childhood. I can’t seem to get away.
I’ve forgiven you- and that took me being on a very long hard journey alone to do- and whenever I think about you or how you destroyed me I have to forgive you again. But it’s never easy.
How am I supposed to tell my love that I had another nightmare about you? How do I explain why I shut down for days after one of these nightmares? It’s not enough that you’re still accepted by my family or that there was never any justice for me or your other victims?
I can say to myself all I want that you’re dead. I can even tell people that you’re dead to me. But how do I live this waking nightmare when you’re sitting in my mother’s living room?
How can I put one foot in front of the other if the thought of you makes my legs turn to lead? How can I keep my tone even and my eyes clear when I feel as though there are a million bees trying to escape the back of my throat and daggers of threatening tears behind my eyes just at the mention of your name?
Somehow, I do. I pull myself together and dismiss the bees from my throat and convince my captor to drop the daggers from behind my eyes. And I still say in a cool voice, “As God forgives, I forgive you too,” and the burden of your sins is lifted from my shoulders. A deep sigh of relief. But for how long? When will your nightmares torture me again?
Still, with bees in my throat and daggers behind my eyes I breathe the words, “You are forgiven”. And you are. Because I’m stronger. And because… I won’t be called a victim. You are forgiven.
That's when I knew
That's when I knew. You had a smile in the corner of your eye, and a smirk on your lips. You put your hand on my thigh and just looked into my soul. You ran your fingers through my hair and brushed your thumb around my ear, and that's when I knew.
That's when I knew I loved you. On that cold fall afternoon, driving to meet my family for a holiday feast, I knew that I had fallen, helplessly, romanticly, silly schoolgirl fallen, in love with you.
I was overcome with anxiety, which, at the moment, was coming out as anger, and you made me laugh. It was bitter cold and I felt the tears welling up and stinging like bees in the back of my throat, but I didn't want to cry. In the bitter cold of that sunny afternoon, you let me speed down the vacant highway with my windows all the way down and the radio as loud as I could stand. And, with a smile in the corner of your eye and a smirk on your lips, you told me everything would be alright. And it was.
It wasn't until months later I would tell you. And then tell you every day a million times a day that I love you. And I do.
You make me feel safe and secure. You make me smile and laugh when my anxiety tells me there is no air and no one to love me. You.
And at this very moment, I don't know if I'll ever tell you the exact moment I fell in love, because there are so many little pieces that make this picture whole- there are so many moments that make me love you. And I'll never have enough time on this earth with you to be able to express all of the tiny moments that are love.
But, that, dear, is when I knew.
- An Expanding World -
by Pedro Gabriel
Some days are brighter than others, we just have to rain-dance knowing the sun will come out again.
Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.
St. Francis of Sales (via graceinchrist)
Lust is just a child’s game.
Bones // Ben Howard (via kvtes)
Your eyes, your heart, your soul, every tiny piece of you should always be respected and looked at with more than just lust.
And maybe I could drown in something other than my own thoughts....
Book of the week: Warrior of the Light by Paulo Coelho
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Sir Time
I can say with the fullest knowledge of my heart and soul that Time in and of itself is the greatest hero and the worst rival. He has the power to heal and destroy. He gives only what is required and takes all. Time runs away from me but he also stands still, breathless. When Time stops for me nobody notices and when I can't find Time everybody cares. It's not all to say that You are the greatest and the worst, You haven't the soul to care, but you're also the ravager and the victim. Still, no one to notice that You've been here and gone. You break my heart when You come to visit in the still of the night and when You desert me in the day without giving me the opportunity to say 'hello' or 'goodbye'. When I wish for you to be with me, You're nowhere to be found. Yet, when I need for You to be far from me, You're always all too near; whispering the past into my soul and screaming the future into my head. But, somehow still, I haven't found the secrets of You. Still, I have no reign over You, although You control, not only me, but everything and everyone. "In Time," they say, "is healing". And here also, in Time, there is brokenness. Because Time has always been and always will be the greatest of heros and worst of rivals. There is Time enough and, therein, never plenty.
Anchored Anxiety
The words I desire to speak, twisted and tied to my tongue. They ebb and flow in my mind turning like rivers. Words that will never be spoken. Anchored to my soul as the depths of the ocean floors so these words will never see the sun. So, love, know this, whenever you ask what this mind is thinking a million and two answers come to surface but none can come off the tip of my tongue. A thousand people stare, all asking questions. I hear all and none. I understand everthing and nothing. All that you seek I can give or find or do but all at once cannot move or answer or even breathe. All things tied to my tongue and soul. These words that cannot be uttered are as fathomless as the stars above and as deep the ocean below; anchored to my heart and soul for a purpose unknown to me.
Insane or brave, I haven’t decided yet but without the effort, I would never be the wiser. Now, knowing this, taking a step forward is just as difficult. And my breath still catches. And my heart still races. And words still anchor to my tongue. But it gets better. No. I get better. I get stronger.
A Beautiful Mess
His skin was the epitome of flawless, and smelled of white mountains. Muscular yet nimble. The embodiment of what I dreamed to be perfection. But he was just a dream. What we had was just a fairytale. I had to wake up from what was either a beautiful nightmare or a bizarre illusion. I loved the thought of him and who he could be but only lusted for what he actually was- a beautiful mess.
If I could write a letter to me
If I could write a letter to myself, I'm not sure what I'd say. People tell me that I'm wise beyond my years but in the same breath say that I'm too young to understand. So, maybe if I could write a letter to myself it would go something like this: Dear Beautiful Young Lady, I know you don't believe that introduction to be true, but you truly are a beautiful person and the sooner you realize this, the easier your life can be. I know that as you grow older your demons seem to get stronger and you have to look them eye to eye every morning, but you are stronger than them. In every circumstance you grow in confidence and grace and in the end you will have proven that you can make it through, ready to face the next challenge life has to toss at you. Even now, life isn't exactly easy but you make it seem like a synch because you have faith in tomorrow and hope in the fact that you can learn from anything. Dear beautiful self, please remember that you can do anything you put your mind to. I also need you to realize that you have such a confidence in others that will be crushed time and time again, but don't give up on people. Be patient (I know it's rough). Be kind, even when you don't feel like it. Be courageous, even when you feel as small as a mouse. And be adventurous, even when the world seems bleak. You will continue to have heart breaks, but know that those people weren't meant to stay in your life. You'll even break your own heart, more times than anyone else could, but don't forget to forgive yourself and choose to keep your head high and your eyes on God. Everything works out....in time. So, while you're waiting: Don't wait for the storm to pass but learn to dance in the rain. Love, Me
