2016 was the toughest year for me. I couldn’t let go of the fact that there are things beyond my control. AND SO, I hide myself to the world because I don’t want others, especially loved ones to recognize my weaknesses and darkest moments. I was afraid to be vulnerable. I don’t want others to peel the several layers I’ve built for myself throughout the years..but in reality, I was actually more broken than ever. I’m happy that there are new people in my life that helped me pull myself back together.
I wanted to reflect back on the things that makes me who I AM NOW and what I discovered from all the painful yet significant experiences. Suffering has meaning in itself. This sums up the year in review: recovery period.
EMBARRASSING FACT: I was afraid to be called “FAT” and “UGLY”. Yes I know, how vain of me. Few of us can actually admit this. THIS mentality fueled my binge eating problems. Of course, after losing so much weight in the past, binge eating will always be a problem biologically. Because of the fear that people can never accept me if I’m not thin enough, I’m so angry at myself for losing control. (p.s. I liked Mark Manson’s concept of calling this the “feedback loop from hell”) I was always circling on a loop between my weight and guilt. My weight fluctuated 3x this year. I’ve also reached the heaviest weight that I could ever be in. I was both ashamed and tired for that.
I tried to hide for a while until my weight comes back to normal. But, it fluctuated more and more and more. And I hide and hide and hide for almost a year. I knew for a fact that something is not right. So, the solution? CHANGE MY FUCKING METRIC in recovery. RECOVERY SHOULD BE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL NOT HOW YOU LOOK. I’ve read some books about eating disorders (I need self-help because this is not a common problem in the Philippines duh? Poverty rampant country, binge eating srsly?).The best one that I’ve read is about the Intuitive Eating Program. I was happy that I found the right book for me, which was very practical and reliable. I try to practice the 10 principles there (If you ever experienced Eating Disorders, I highly recommend it). And of course, because of that, I paid less attention to how I look but how I feel to better improve myself. “Progress, not perfection, is what counts”
Currently, I am not as stick thin as before and I may never be. But IT’S OKAY! I EAT NORMALLY THAN EVER. This means anything from a combination of play foods (junk foods) and healthy ones. A balance of nutrition and satisfaction! No more deprivation and restrictive eating. Admit it, diet is never sustainable. I know what I’m currently doing is enough.
2. LIFE IS FULL OF SHIT WITH RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES. They Co-Exist.
Thank you for your lessons, Mark Manson (author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck) , that “accepting the negative experience is in itself a positive experience”. One thing I’ve learned about my binge eating problem was that it was a way to numb feelings, it’s quite similar to drugs. I tried to escape unwanted feelings by chasing artificial highs.
When I started working, I got so pissed off with the 2-hour commute. EVERYDAY, it was like hell. I’m a type of person who doesn’t want my time to be wasted in traffic or the hassle of waiting for a ride. Ughh. Okay, so here’s what happened… I eat like a beast when I finally got home. I eat up all the anger and frustration. “I’m so angryyyy fuck I’m gonna eat everything because I deserve it!!!” I realized, this is actually what “Entitled” people always say.. that you are “special” or “uniquely different”. It was was a big and whole slap in the face. I’m being an immature, self-entitled prick. Everybody who is working there has to endure that heavy traffic.. then what makes my experience special?!? None.
So, what did I do to make it right? ACCEPT IT and FIND OTHER WAYS TO LIVE WITH IT. There’s no one quick fix to traffic, even the most brilliant president could never solve it and so can I! I spent my time to things I deemed worthy (other then work) instead of focusing my attention to the shitty traffic. Here it is, I spent most of my time at the gym (doing highly intense, vein popping exercises) and downloaded tons of books and dramas in my phone. THERE, I FOUND NEW HOBBIES. Problem solved.
Ever since young, I avoided disappointments, conflict, pain, etc. I don’t want others disliking me, I don’t want somebody talking about me behind my back. In short, I want to control how others think about me. So, i want to be perfect in the best way I can. “When I was called fat , I tried to lose weight”. “When my grades aren’t being high enough, I spent most of my time studying, "I pretend to like what my friends like” See.. always trying to be “Ms. Perfect”. But this actually made me more distant to not just others but also MYSELF. I didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t answer the most common things about me. I just do what I do to be liked and accepted.
How did I cope up with this? Actually, I didn’t come up with a solution. It just happened. I spent most of the year hiding before and during my recovery phase. The side effect was more time ALONE, which at times may feel sad and lonely, yet a fulfilling experience. I knew myself better. I can’t say that I’ve discovered everything about me because self-awareness is an ITERATIVE process. There’s no end point. And yes, you should accept negative emotions which I avoided for almost all of my life. They're the best signals to tell you something's wrong and that you should do something about it. Negativity does not exist for no reason.
These are just some of the lessons I learned for almost a year of self contemplation. Have I not felt the insecurities, loneliness, and fear then I would not have taken action to improve myself better. I’m happy I’ve been exposed to the self-help market, met new people, and moments I enjoyed alone. Now, I’m ready to face 2017! Let’s do it.
BE BRAVE. EMBRACE YOUR FEARS. NO MORE BREAKDOWNS.
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