The man in front of him was pathetic. No more than a spineless whimpering coward. A drunk. Andrew couldn't understand how Kevin could let himself get this disgusting over such trivial things. Yet, there they were, in the kitchen, at two in the morning.
Andrew had to swallow his commentary as he watched Kevin drunkenly sob and shake on the floor. He was curled in a tight ball, wrapping himself around the vodka he'd been drinking. Thea had finally done it, left the guy with probably some bullshit excuse. What he couldn't comprehend was why Kevin actually cared so much. He never spent time with the woman, as far as Andrew knew, they hardly texted either. No mail, no photos, nothing to show for their dismal unfortunate excuse of a relationship.
Somehow, though, Kevin was devastated. To be fair, Andrew thought, If I was groomed all of my early teenage years into a relationship as an adult, he paused and corrected himself. If Neil was, he might be devastated, too. No. Probably not. Neil had enough braincells and flight instincts to recognize grooming and manipulation.
He sighed and kicked at the lump on the floor. "Kevin, get out of my kitchen. Go sleep on the couch,"
Big sorrowful eyes stared up at him. A face carved with sheer indignation.
"Andrew have a goddamn heart.. I love her." The words were slurred, washed down with tears and self-righteous pity. This numbskull really saw no issue with his relationship at all. For that matter, it didn't seem like anyone did.
"And she loves younger men. Now we can all be happy when you get your first grey hair. Get. Up."
"Fuck you," Kevin paused, fighting back a gag as he sat up which made Andrew take two steps back. "We are getting back together in a couple years, it's just too difficult with our exy schedules. When I can transfer teams and join her in court.."
The muttered words were slightly strained as Kevin briefly flailed, trying to stand. Andrew snatched the vodka out of his hands and screwed the lid back on. He'd have to take that to bed with him unless he wanted to wake up in an hour to take Kevin to the emergency room. He watched Kevin trudge into the living room and collapse on the couch. He'd probably be warm enough without a blanket. Vodka was most likely the only warmth he needed right now anyway.
After he brought a bottle of water over to Kevin, Andrew finally went back to his own room. Neil, the asshole, cracked an eye open, clearly giving up on pretending to be asleep. The red head scooted back to let Andrew slide into bed, taking the spot against the wall for once. Andrew immediately recognized that Neil only took Andrew's normal side so that he himself wouldn't have to be on Kevin duty.
"Our first kid, what a nightmare," Neil whispered, pulling the blankets back up around both of them.
"Don't dismiss King like that, rabbit. Kevin is nothing compared to our son."
Neil snorted and slid slightly closer in the bed, staring at Andrew. He'd never admit it, but most of the tension seeped out of his body as he finally relaxed next to the junkie. Kevin's whole pathetic mess of a situation made Andrew halfheartedly wonder what they'd be like, if things ended. Would Neil cry for him?
"What is it, Andrew? You have a staring problem,"
Andrew choked on the words he heard, Neil throwing him a feral smirk.
"A goddamn hypocrite," he muttered, pinching Neil's arm. "For the record, rabbit, if things ever end, I expect you to kill yourself over it."
"Ah of course, Romeo and Juliet style?" The dry response made Andrew roll his eyes.
"No, just you. I'm not willing to stoop that level. I'll give you a nice funeral though. Good burial spot. It's in the backyard, should we take a look tomorrow?"
"Is it the spot next to the orange tree?"
"No. It's the spot marked off next to where the sewer line is,"
the issue with growing up in the 2000s and 2010s was like there was this really big push toward "accepting your weirdness" overall but they meant like idk wearing mismatched socks or something not being tangibly beyond the norm in any way shape or form
i can't express how absolutely important it is that when you make an edgy, brooding, badass character who's tough as nails and good at fighting and whatever, you HAVE to give them at least one reason to become completely helpless and pathetic. you have a panic attack quota to fulfill.
It was already bright out when Neil woke up. He felt comfortable and warm despite his hangover, but something was wrong. It was too bright. Too quiet.
Neil shot upright and looked around the bedroom. Andrew was gone. Andrew got up and climbed over Neil, and Neil didn't wake for it at all. He grabbed his phone and flipped it open, dead. Of course it was dead. It always was. Andrew shouldn't be gone right now, and Neil’s phone shouldn't be dead.
He got out of bed and dressed as fast as possible, walking into the kitchen and putting on his best nonchalant face in case Andrew was just somewhere around the house. But the house was empty, eerily so. All of Andrew's things were there, nothing out of place, but the nervous feeling kept crawling up and up into Neil’s head.
How could he have possibly slept through this? What if something had happened? If his senses had dulled this much then he could never trust he'd be safe again. Briefly, for just a moment, he missed that kevlar vest he slept in as a child.
Andrew's car keys weren't on the counter, so Neil grabbed his ratty backpack, and ran. He ran as fast as he could from their house to the grocery store 3 miles down the road. His car wasn't there. From there, Neil hitchhiked to the coffee shop Andrew went to for sweets. Nothing. Where else could he have gone? Why hadn't he reached out?
Neil pulled out his phone again and cursed. He didn't think to plug it in at all this entire time. Gritting his teeth, he fought down his panic and tried to think rationally. Where does Andrew go? What would Andrew decide to do on a random Wednesday morning? Did Andrew leave him? Did he have a choice? Eden was too far for a casual trip without saying anything, and Andrew wouldn't be caught dead practicing Exy in his off-hours. The foxes were all out of town. None of the frequent stops made sense.
Fighting down the waves of nausea threatening to overtake him, Neil ran back to the house. In his panic, he forgot to bring keys or even close the door, but at least it didn't show him down from running in. He put the phone on the charger and paced while he waited for it to turn on. While he waited, he entered the code to the safe to retrieve his binder. Flipping it open, he skimmed the page of random numbers until he found his uncle's.
Hearing the ding of his phone powering on, Neil ripped out the page and ran back into the bedroom. He flipped it open and saw no notifications, so he dialed Andrew.
"We're sorry, the person you are try-"
Again.
"We're sorry, th-"
Again.
"We'r-"
Again.
"W-"
He flung the phone across the room, not paying attention to the crunch as he sat down on the ground, burying his head into his hands. Where could he have gone? Andrew always answered, even when he was driving. They'd almost crashed on a few occasions because Andrew had to answer the phone.
Was it the remaining people in his father's circle? One of Riko's former minions? Maybe the Moriyamas themselves? It could even be a ghost from Andrew's past. There were too many possibilities.
Neil regretted everything then. If he had never stopped running, Andrew wouldn't be in as much danger as he could be right now. It was foolish for him to think he could build a life with someone. Not when everything came back to Neil being the Butcher's son.
The front door handle rattling set Neil into motion, he grabbed the gun he kept under his pillow and backed into a blindspot. The door creaked open, but the shut was silent. Footsteps grew louder as the person moved around the house. Whoever it was had to be looking for something. Eyeing the binder still tucked under his arm, Neil bit back a curse as he realized the page with his uncle's number hidden on it was on the floor in plain sight.
He turned the safety off on his gun and got ready to move. He might be able to intimidate his way out of this one if they weren't expecting him to be home. Gun first, he padded silently into the doorway and nearly jumped out of his skin when he came nose to nose with Andrew himself.
Neil quickly flicked the safety back on and tossed the gun behind him onto the bed. Ignoring the dumbfounded surprise on Andrew’s face, he scanned him for injuries, walking around him.
"Rabbit what the fuck is going on right now?"
The words were harsh, that was fine. Everything was fine.
"Andrew take off your coat. Let me check and make sure you're fine." He demanded, his mind almost as frenzied as his shaking hands.
"Neil, why the hell did you have the gun out?"
It was less of a question and more of a demand, but Neil barely processed the words, still circling Andrew looking for hidden injuries. His breath left him in a rush as Andrew grabbed his shoulder and forced him to his knees. The blond looked absolutely pissed, but he was whole. Andrew was safe.
It was then that Neil was able to take his own body into account. He was hyperventilating, and he could feel sweat dripping off of him. He knew he had to look insane right now given the circumstances.
"Andrew-"
"Stay on the fucking floor. Do not move. Do you hear me? Yes, or no?"
"Yes." Neil whispered, letting Andrew push his head to direct his gaze to where his knees buried into the carpet. In his peripheral, he noticed Andrew starting to walk away and his hands moved fast than his mind.
He regretted that. Andrew's whole body stiffened immediately as Neil grabbed his pant-leg. He whipped back around and Neil felt more than saw the gaze piercing into his soul.
"Fine." Andrew muttered, tossing something he was carrying on the bed.
Neil looked up as Andrew crouched down in front of him, his hand directing Neil's chin so he could look into his eyes.
"Spit it out. What the fuck was that?"
The words were soft. The volume didn't match the tone and his face was stony. Neil realized he didn't even care if Andrew hated him at this point. He was just glad he was wrong.
"You were gone. You were gone and I slept through it. You didn't leave a note. Or answer my calls. You just vanished."
His voice was hoarse, almost just a croak. He finally mustered the courage to stare back into Andrew's eyes. He was staying silent, waiting for him to find the words and finish explaining.
"I let my guard down, Andrew. When I woke up and I realized you'd vanished I thought- I thought that something had.."
He trailed off as he realized how insane he sounded. Everything had been peaceful for years, and Andrew almost never told Neil where he was going to begin with. The only thing that was different today was that Neil had been asleep when he left.
Andrew stared at him for a few moments, reading something in his face. Maybe processing his words. He still didn't have any sort of expression to indicate what was going on in his own mind, but his grip on Neil's chin softened.
"You are pathetic, Josten. Get up. Go shower. You look like you fell in a lake. I went to a store, I'll show you what I got later. You weren't abandoned, and I wasn't taken. Everyone is safe."
With those words, Andrew stood up, taking Neil's hand and pulling him to his feet as well. He started to walk away again but Neil couldn't let go of his hand.
"Can you come with me?"
Andrew was right, he was being pathetic. His mind was still going wild and the idea of him being out of eyesight was making his heart race. Andrew sighed and yanked Neil behind him into the bathroom, helping him undress and turning the shower on. When Neil got in he was expecting Andrew to leave, or stand by the door, but he followed him in. Just like their first shower together, he'd only bothered to take his socks and his armbands off.
When both of them were finished with their tasks, Andrew led Neil into the living room and pointed at the giant plastic box facing away from them. It looked like a crate. Walking over toward it, he heard a scuffing sound and metal clinking coming out of it. It was a pet crate. Neil had to resist hanging his head in embarrassment as he leaned down and opened the cage, watching a kitten emerge.
Washing off was a menial task but it worked to calm him down. When the shower was over, he grabbed a towel for himself and dried off as quickly as possible, handing a second one to Andrew. He stepped away to let Andrew undress and dry off, busying himself with putting the binder and the gun back into the safe.
When Andrew finally emerged from the bathroom, he dressed in silence, likely processing everything that had just happened. He wasn't angry enough with Neil to make it known, but he was experienced with broken things. Somehow, Neil doubted he was very surprised.
"You got a cat?" He croaked.
"No, we got a cat, Josten."
Neil's head whipped around as he picked up the kitten to look at Andrew, startled. It felt like such a permanent move that it was shocking it came from him.
"Right. We got a cat. I," he took a deep breath, "I appreciate this, Andrew. Thank you."
"Shut up, Josten. And for the record, if you ever pull a gun on me again?"
Neil couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out of him. They were just two broken men, figuring out how to smooth their sharp edges to fit together.
The really unfortunate thing about mental health progress is that sometimes you realize you've made it in the form of "wow, I haven't felt this bad in a fucking while"
On the one hand it's a bit of a pick me up in a dark place to know that this will pass because it has passed before on the other hand sometimes it isn't entirely a pleasant thought to go "wow, I used to feel like this all the time. That was pretty fucking bad. It's pretty bad right now too also."
vampires are so full of shit. "oh the human race is beneath us, you're just livestock to us" I don't think you know what livestock is. do you feed us? care for us? protect us from predators? no. you just slink around dark alleys and ambush people. that's not what a higher being does. that's a bottom feeder. a parasite. karate punches your head off
Hii!!! First; I love ur blog. The way u explain everything so perfectly is just muah. Chefs kiss. I love ur rants they're so good 🫶🏻
And second thing, I would love to hear ur opinion on the whole Andrew being sober for short periods of time during TFC and TKM. I don't really understand his mentality behind being sober on Exy nights, if he truly hated the game sm, and also when he went with the cousins out to the club. Did he really hate the drugs so much any excuse was a good enough excuse to go on without them or what was his thought process behind this?
Hope u have a great day and ty!! 🩷🩷
Hi there,
Thank you for your question (& for loving my rants, haha! I’m very flattered! And that you think I explain my thoughts well - I always feel like I'm going on tangents & rambling and making everything 1000 more words than it really needs to be!) My thoughts will be under the Read More (b/c as always my thoughts are Many & Long).
So, my perspective is that Andrew does in fact hate his court-mandated medication that much that any opportunity to be semi-sober without some asshole reporting him to his parole officer & getting him arrested is an opportunity Andrew wishes to take. I would also say that Andrew doesn’t necessarily hate Exy - he is apathetic towards it. It is a sport that he is extremely talented at, but playing Exy is primarily a means to an end - keeping hold of Aaron & Nicky for another five-years, while also allowing them (Aaron & Nicky more-so than Andrew b/c Andrew at 18 didn’t really give a shit about his own future) to receive college education. What Andrew hates is Kevin & Neil’s obsession with Exy b/c he thinks its making Exy more than it is (a reason to live/enjoy life) & their continuous desire for Andrew to consider Exy as being more meaningful than he thinks it is annoys him [although, Andrew does eventually develop a fondness for Exy b/c Exy becomes intertwined with Neil & playing with Neil, considering Nora once suggested they spent all but two years of Andrew’s Pro careers playing together on the same professional teams].
The court-mandated drugs, however, Andrew absolutely hates. In the EC Short Story when Wymack recruits Andrew, Nicky, and Aaron it’s actually highlighted how much Andrew hates what the pills do to him. After Wymack approaches Andrew about joining the Foxes, Andrew breaks into Wymack’s apartment to discuss terms (as one does). Andrew immediately brings up the fact that he is, essentially, constantly high (and Wymack says he's not afraid of him b/c he is essentially a fucked-up druggie, OOF) b/c whatever medication Andrew is on is evidently highly addictive, far too high of a dosage, and interacts with his brain chemistry in a way that induces constant mania. However, people say it’s, “for the best,” and when Wymack asks Andrew if he agrees with that sentiment, Andrew says, “above your pay grade coach.”
This is interesting for two reasons. (1) The reminder that most people DID think the court-mandated pills were good for Andrew - Nicky even says so to Neil in the TRK (and I know some people hate on Nicky for this… but Nicky himself was relatively young, uneducated about mental health himself - it was also the early 2000s, and was relying on what professional health care advisors like doctors, psychiatrists, and guidance counselors were telling him). Basically Andrew “seemed” happier & many people wanted to accept that at face-value - look at Andrew, of course he’s happy! He’s laughing and smiling.
It’s not until Andrew is raped by Drake in TRK that many characters, including Nicky, realize that there is no fucking way Andrew is actually happy. Because he is laughing in the aftermath of being assaulted - he is completely unable to process the trauma of what has happened to him or frankly any of his childhood trauma. Obviously, Andrew knows he isn’t actually happy b/c he is inside his brain, but those on the outside were very willing to accept Andrew Is Happier Now purely based on demonstrating outward expressions of “happiness" (which is why I also often suggest readers take a more critical view on why they believe Andrew 'needs' to laugh in the future in order to Be Happy).
(2) Andrew says “above your pay grade coach” to Wymack b/c he doesn’t want to engage in an emotionally vulnerable conversation about how he feels about his loss of autonomy due to being on the pills - Andrew’s mental control has been completely taken away. He cannot regulate or process his own emotions & he also cannot control his own physical reactions like laughing or smiling. He cannot concentrate to drive his own car (and when you think of the symbolism of the car: freedom to leave whenever, safety from being trapped in a dangerous house it is obviously devastating), he cannot control when he falls asleep, either, or for how long or how deeply.
I also want to add that many readers over-emphasize Andrew’s commitment to “fixing his mental health” by saying that he was “voluntarily in therapy.” Andrew was not voluntarily in therapy, y’all. His therapy was court-mandated as part of his probation alongside his pills, and we also know Andrew did not address his CSA until AFTER Thanksgiving in TRK when Betsy found out alongside everyone else. Abby also told Betsy about Andrew’s self-harm scars, and Aaron told Betsy that Andrew is gay. There actually seems to be very little Andrew himself actually confided in Betsy - and an argument could be made that Andrew attempting therapy while on pills that made him unable to process his trauma or regulate his emotions may not have been the most beneficial anyway. I also think it’s interesting to examine WHAT Andrew seems to be hoping to get out of therapy (a pseudo-mother, which I would also argue is not the Mental Health Win some readers treat it as). But I digress.
Back to Wymack & Andrew. Andrew bargains with Wymack b/c he doesn’t care about college or Exy or having a future. Instead, he asks for Wymack to “loosen the chain a bit” and agree to let Andrew not take his medication on game nights (basically to not cause a fuss about Andrew being in breach of his probation) b/c what Andrew does want is more opportunities to (a) not be on the meds (b) not have to pretend like he’s on the meds and (c) not get arrested for not being or acting like he’s on his meds.
Andrew clarifies that he “won’t be sober” b/c he “can’t stay off them long enough to get sober. I tried six times just to see if I could. No good, Coach. No fun at all.” Andrew tried to personally detox himself 6 times (very dangerous do not try at home) and failed. Considering what we have also seen from Andrew when he was in short-term withdrawal in regard to being incredibly shaky, sweating & vomiting, we can imagine how this went for him. Additionally, this could have gotten all kinds of horribly wrong: from killing him in the process to being found in breach of his probation & then being placed in prison. [I also see some readers suggest “Andrew will never know what Aaron went through when Andrew detoxed him” and “Aaron will never tell Andrew how painful it was for him to detox” and it’s like… Andrew knows y’all. Your body doesn’t know the difference between “illegal street drugs” and “legal drugs prescribed a doctor” when your body is addicted & going through withdrawal. It’s the same process].
As for Andrew trying 6 times to “get sober.” Once is a curiosity. Twice maybe to see how it could go in different circumstances. Three times? Maybe Andrew just really wants to test his resolve.
But 6 attempts? Oh, Andrew hated those pills, which makes sense for his characterization - a character who values control, his own bodily autonomy after having it stripped away for years (CSA, childhood incarceration), his secrets & his privacy & appearing strong. These pills are Andrew’s worst nightmare & for several years everyone tried to convince him he’s so much better off for having been FORCED to take them.
It’s also interesting that Andrew is drinking at Wymack’s apartment during this conversation. Andrew drinks when he’s skipping dosages b/c it lessens the withdrawal symptoms & probably makes the cravings less intense (which is why Andrew is also rewarded with alcohol for playing full games/shutting down the goal). I don’t know if the implication is that Andrew didn’t want to be AS high as usual when negotiating with Wymack (an older man & potential threat in Wymack’s own territory) or if Andrew just wasn’t able to resist the temptation of stolen alcohol.
Andrew in Son Nefes also refers to himself as an alcoholic & clearly has addiction tendencies throughout AFTG: cigarettes & the fact that he clearly wasn’t going to give up Dust until Neil bought him the Maserati even though he no longer was on the pills & it was supposedly “for Aaron.” Andrew was also described several times in AFTG to be drinking alone. Going to Eden’s with Aaron & Nicky was an opportunity to (a) not have to pretend to be on the meds and (b) drink copious amount of alcohol in way that is considered socially acceptable. And also, I genuinely think Andrew enjoys spending SOME time with Nicky & Aaron otherwise he wouldn’t have bothered to hang out with them at all (and also you aren’t really expected to have conversations at clubs especially since Aaron & Nicky like to dance - so spending time together in a way that isn’t bothersome for Andrew + works in his favour).
I also like that Andrew brings up his self-destructive tendencies. B/c mixing alcohol with those pills was certainly flirting with death. In terms of overdosing, acute liver failure, or developing cirrhosis.
I’ve mentioned this before, but I also find Kevin’s role in relation to Andrew’s pills fascinating. Logically, it makes sense that Kevin holds the pills when Andrew is trying not to take a dose - since they’re highly addictive & withdrawal is horrific, Andrew will take them regardless of if he wants to or not. Aaron, who was formerly addicted to pills, cannot be trusted to hold onto extremely addictive pills that obviously get his twin brother super high. Nicky, in TFC, steals Wymack’s prescription painkillers (probably had codeine) and therefore may also not be trusted around Andrew’s meds in case Nicky gets curious about the kind of high they give. Kevin is clearly trusted NOT to try getting high off of Andrew’s pills.
However, what I find interesting is that several times Kevin tries to GET Andrew to take his pills even when Andrew is actively avoiding take them (much to Andrew’s annoyance) - perhaps it could be said Kevin doesn’t understand why Andrew would prefer the physical illness of withdrawal vs the mental anguish of being high all the time. Thematically, this is interesting especially b/c we know Kevin tried to lure Andrew to the Raven’s by promising Andrew that he & Riko could persuade the courts to get Andrew off his court-mandated medication (which I’ve mentioned before probably turned Andrew away from the Raven’s EVEN more). And we are also told multiple times that no one wants Andrew off the medication more than Kevin (b/c he hopes a sober Andrew will realize Kevin was right about Exy… this doesn’t initially work out for Kevin although he seems pretty pleased by TGR b/c Andrew IS starting to take Exy more seriously although that is more for Neil than b/c a sober Andrew has become genuinely passionate about Exy) but in TRK when it comes time to actually FIGHT for Andrew to be taken off his meds after he is raped by Drake, Kevin actually panics b/c it’s not the right time & he’s worried that the Foxes will be booted from the championship & what will Riko do to him if Andrew isn’t around to protect him.
Neil & Kevin actually have several disagreements about this in TRK, as do Kevin & Wymack and even Kevin & Nicky b/c Nicky HAS realized the pills are terrible for Andrew. I found these aspects of characterization & character dynamics really fascinating in terms of what the pills symbolize for Andrew & other character’s understanding of Andrew/how they interact with him & to what extent they prioritize him. I’ve mentioned before that I think clearly there is meant to be a parallel of Neil & Kevin and how Neil’s priorities have shifted.
