With continuing the topic of my recent weekly life aspects, I want to talk about my emotions, specifically how I have been feeling this past few hours. It is nothing major or depressing, just casual!:)
For the past hour or so I have been feeling a bit down. Specifically with my friendships. To elaborate I don't really have any girl friends. Genuine ones either, to hang out with me or just text/talk to me.. I have always seemed to struggle with this in a way. I am a natural introvert but I am also nice and out-going. Unconsciously I take my time to warm up to people. I like to compare myself to a blossoming flower in the first bud of spring. At first the closed flower appears quiet, very collect.. Once it starts to bloom/blossom you then start to see and recognize what is on the inside, and just how complex even the simplest forms of life can be..
I have also considered that maybe girls do not consider me pretty and categorize me 'below them'. Girls at my school do not really want to talk to me.. I get this feeling because they are always looking or staring at me, sometimes they give me weird/mean looks, other times just blank expressions or side-eyes.. Also to clarify I have never been the one to be into drama or gossiping either.. I have also taken that into account. When I look around me it seems as though a lot of friendships between girls and groups are started/ built from talking about other people and sharing that connection that you do not like that certain person/people.. I rather not have a friendship like that though.. Its not just the girls at my school either or in my grade (Senior), when I go out to public places, I get the same looks and stares.. I am not loud, and my face isn't mean and I do not give dirty/mean looks to anyone.. I do not dress very elaborate/ showy either. I am just completely dumb-founded and it tends to make me feel very sad at times.. I wish that I could have a genuine girl friend who wants to casually go out shopping or talk about our lives together, or go see a movie, or play games, etc.. It probably doesn't help that I am pretty shy at first as well, and I sometimes tend to wait for people to 'make the first move'. My daily life is pretty busy, even on the weekends and I have a lover as well, so I am also busy with that too.. Maybe I should find a girl friend with a lover and/or busy life as well? So she understands and so she doesn't feel ignored or dis-included? Hmm.. I have tried online friendships as well. All the girls that I talk to are always very sweet and talkative with me! I wonder what the difference is.. But with that being said I am also very much more busy now, since turning 18 and nearing the ending of my high school senior year. To clarify I am also very put together and clean, and I put effort in my outfits, nothing too crazy or over-the-top though! I dress casual for school and more expressive and 'like myself' anywhere else.
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