I’m deleting this blog. I wanted to keep it around as a record of all my stupid personal posts I was gonna put into an archive/memoir/auto biography kinda thing...
But it’s a lot of thinspo on here and I feel like that does way more harm than good. So I’m gonna delete. I’d love to keep in touch with people, I know I have mutuals that I’ve talked to for 10 fucking years on here. Message me and we can connect on Instagram.
Lydia, idk what your url is anymore or if you here but I’m so glad I met you. I will never forget when you visited me in college. I had the time of my life. Yea, we were in the throes of our disorders and happy about it but we had so much fun. I’m glad you came into my life. We gotta catch up, it’s been a minute. (PS that boy you made out with at that party in San Antonio is sober and in Austin now and I see him around at AA all the time lmao). I’m so proud to see you healing and thriving. You have always had ambition and strength I’ve been honored to witness.
Rachel, I love you to the moon and back!! You are magic and light and love. Thank you for your constant support and empathy, idk what I’d do without you sister 💜 Also fuck NY, move to Austin, I wanna get into some ritual shit with you boo! You have transformed into this amazing woman since you first messaged me on here. The pain this world gave you has hardened you into this sharp knife. Filled with confidence, doing hot girl shit your whole life. I’ve lived vicariously through you in so many ways, and your journey has been so insanely parallel to mine. The connection we share is life long, cosmic, karmic. I’m honestly stoked to keep knowing you.
Ljubicia, I know I met you on Twitter and then talked on here. But damn, I can’t believe that I met one of my best friends on here. I’m gonna come visit you in Serbia when the pandemic is over now that I am finally getting my life together. I am so fucking happy to see you blossoming into your wild fairy self. Your body, banging!! Your mind, brilliant! Your soul, it transmutes into pure light when you are on stage. Your journey and strength are inspiring. I bared myself to you and you reflected it back with kindness I had not known.
Madeline, you have been the hype machine I didn’t know needed. You built me up from scratch, from ground zero when I had torn myself down, piece by piece; I tried to remove my skin, my flesh, cutting to the bone. But you were there for me and you understood me like no other. I love you so much and I’m so proud to see you mastering your craft, healing in ways I didn’t know were possible. I’m so happy we‘be been talking more recently, I missed you. You’ll always be one of those people I can go for a long time without talking to but coming back seamlessly, like it was just yesterday. But let’s not go along time without talking, okay? :)
Emily, I know we don’t really talk anymore and I know you probably don’t get on tumblr anymore either. You healed far before the entire concept of recovery was even known to me. But to see you these days, with your husband and beautiful baby... damn girl, you got your life sorted and have cultivated happiness that I can only dream of one day. I wish I could have made it out to Utah for your wedding, y’all looked so happy. I could see light in your eyes, one that wasn’t there when I met you. I’m so so so happy for you, and send you all the good vibes. May your adventures be wild and your life be kind.
And finally, I pour one out for you my lil lemur baby
Lexis: Rest In Peace. There isn’t a week that goes by that I don’t think of you. Your contact is still in my favorites. I will never delete you or our texts. I miss you so fucking much. I know I could have never stopped you from deciding to leave this earth. It was not fair what happened to you and I understand that it was unbearable. You did what you had to, and I want you to have peace, from the evils done to you and from the guilt you harbored. I wish it to be released, from this world and yours beyond. I wish you to have nothing but bliss within entropy. But some times I just wish I could have held you one last time. I would have driven the seven hours to Lubbock to give you a hug. Even if I know today that I can’t save everyone, I would have come just to hug you goodbye. I love you. I miss you. Be at rest, it’s over now, no one will ever hurt you again. I promise.
Message me, and we can stay in touch. Even if we don’t currently talk, l’m still down to be support.
I’ll be gone at the end of February.
Over ten years, chronicl-ed.
