Look

on this side account as long as I’m posting here I’m okay. It’s like a self help thing.

[drowningsirenfrompluto]

The siren having been aboard the ship for years has finally submitted to his fate

The crew keeps him fed, the captain having had seduced him once feels like the taste of bitter regret now.

The ocean beckons, calling him home, promising his freedom.

The chains around his wrists, his throat, feel loose, but it’s not the tightness that keeps him there anymore. It’s the weight.

“I saved you, your heart should be mine”

Echoes.

The siren recalls that one clear morning. After so much neglect, abuse, silent screams, loud tears, broken glass.

His scar shines brightly when the sun peeks through the crevices.

His nails ripped to shreds.

His heart in a jar. On the shelf.

Removed himself.

The captain still visits. But there’s only silence anymore as the siren stares in hatred. Maybe not even hatred. Hardly any malevolence.

There’s no time.

Drowning entries. Log.

[runningfromadream]

“Cynicism is the great mask of the disappointed and betrayed heart.”

— Bell Hooks

[drowningsirenfrompluto]

The drowning siren once started anew, water in their lungs with the first boy they met, he made her go down and left her feeling shamed and hot, until one night she got tired and left him in the sand. Slut defined her soul, burned itself in her memories until she claimed it on her own, the second one fell to her charms as she was finding herself. Jealousy tearing the two apart, him drinking and getting sick from envy, she questioning her sanity until they left with violent silent agreements. Her third stole her innocence, with silky words, an older man who she no longer regrets, but once was poisoned against. The siren shifting perspectives into male, found a relationship with multiple at once leashed like a pet, knowingly and unknowingly, tasted love and ran away to a seamans arms. They argued day and night, over the sirens identity vs his and never could make sense. Our siren running away once again from the match that he regrets. Once in a while contacting the seaman for friendship. After the seaman they found a prince who they once knew as a child. The prince had sweet words and so did his master, the siren wishing it to be true, stayed in their realm of chaos, abuse, and agony, calling it love and stability. The prince sought someone else after using the siren as bait, leaving him all alone and questioning his worth once more. Who could love a slut of a siren, who can not stick to one gender conformity or even sing again. A siren who lost his voice because he was drowning too long, each person pushing him down instead of pulling him up thinking they're helping and calling it love

The prince left our siren, a bleeding heart and gills covered in soot, the prince of ashes lived to his name to ruin villages more in his childish wake. He hurt the most, he was trusted the most.

The siren met a man, shining of gold, someone he could touch but never seen to hold. The siren calls it love and infatuation, as he swims around this man, hoping for this to be the end of his search. A man of gold who wishes to show the siren a new way of love where you can be true and with no labels on love, or who to love.

I mention no other because they are close to the sirens heart in other ways and no hurt has been done and simply the list would be much too long

[drowningsirenfrompluto]

Some time has passed and the tale has grown.

The man of Gold shifts to Bronze, sadly growing stiff as time has gone. The Siren speaks but is no longer heard, as he's watching a shinier bird from across the seas.

During this time our Siren has found a clever witch, a crying bear, and a small black bird.

The clever witch twists and toils, her sharp tongue matching her nails, she played her Siren and Black Bird to a fiddle while whispering secrets and dark words to the Bear.

The Bear and Siren had danced a while, but in the end, the same had happened as our Seaman. Our Siren he questioned whether it was his fault at this point or whether the world was against him finding love. We keep this part shorter for it hurt far worse.

The Siren and Oily Feathered Bird sit in tge quiet, singing low sad songs. While attempting a love. The bird stares longingly at the Siren he wishes to keep. The Siren wishing a way to keep the bird and the freedom of his sea.

[drowningsirenfrompluto]

sick

Don't forget that to heal hurts more than to stay sick. Taking off your skin. Shedding this painful illness feels like tearing yourself apart. At first. That is because it is hard to distinguish self from illness. at some point the illness starts feeling like it is who you are and not what you have. Who am I? Oh yeah. Im borderline personality, im suicidal, Im anxiety, Im depression. Im C-PTSD. sometimes. the biggest part in healing is to separate these things from who you are and to not say you suffer these things. You have them. You are actively working on them. to minimize the damage they have done to me and others. I am not my sick. my sick is what I have. one would never tell me that Im a fever, or a flu, theyd say Im sick. I have an illness. Distinction is part of healing and boy does it tear.

[drowningsirenfrompluto]

Im getting tired of talking to you. I know I am devaluing you and splitting but I cant help it. I also can not leave you. it makes it hard. But you gurt my feelings and I just cant stop feeling that hurt and resistance. and the other uses my age to supplement my actions and your argument like that has any bearing on things. If you want to use my age then fine. but look at my accomplishments verses yours too. and then tell me and others that I have deficits. My age is not something to judge my actions on.

[drowningsirenfrompluto]

sister

You should have tried harder. You should have tried healing. Why did you leave. Why cant you do better. why wont you.

[drowningsirenfrompluto]

lost

I am currently in school for Funeral Directing and may go for Paralegalling or a Litigation Lawyer. Mom is pushing for me to go into law as a safe choice. And I agree it is a good choice. But it doesnt make me happy. Im unsure if anything would. I don't care for being successful other than being comfortable in life. But i risk the way of life and expression. and sure. those dont ultimately atter that much in the grand scheme of things. But sometimes I wonder, if I didnt have such ambitions in life. would I be happier working in a coffee shoppe or something small? Could I find comfort there? Or would I always look at the life I could have had if I was higher and better off.

[small-but-mightyy]

[cutetype]

[bpd-bbyg]

[unhinged-hinge]

Why does my brain gotta be so dramatic like shut up and sit down we’re all sick of your shit already

[guilt-tw]

[drowningsirenfrompluto]

we found my sister

shes great, everything I had hoped for.

a new chance to have somebody in this family who accepts me

Im sure moms thinking the same

honestly its great shes here. it is

mom has the daughter she wanted. and i get.

maybe to be free?

im not worried. how could i get replaced? I cant. she always wanted her not me anyways. im a product of dad. i look like dad. im not blonde like my sister or brother. i dont fit.

ive never fit. i wont fit. who wants that. arent I free? except for this damned pride. I want the family business.

Protect its name. what if I threw it all away. would anyone care. what can I do to be happy. could i ever be enough

I have spent my whole life trying to walk in the footsteps of an older sister ive never known or met until now. how any times did mom think "she wouldnt act the way you do" how many times have I failed.

sh

i have to let this go. forgiveness clean slate. its a new vhapter. so why cant I just turn

the

dam page

no matter how hard I move back its like im tethered back in time to that place, i cant stop

what if i stopped

but i dont have the strength to stop

step by step ill get through this life

my sister will grow to hate me too.

im always easy to hate

[drowningsirenfrompluto]

Merry Christmas mom..

[drowningsirenfrompluto]

freedom and work

freedom I crave it

stability I crave it

Why do I have to choose one over the other.

the family business? or my heart and soul.

we know what I'll choose in the end

what is smarter

[drowningsirenfrompluto]

bubble head

I lay on my bed. in my bed?

the air is thick, I think it must be gel. Maybe water?

It is so light that it is heavy.

I can't breathe, even though I have a bubble

looking through this bubble, things look warped and unreal.

call me a bubble head.

Walking around feels so light and tiring it's as tho I'm swimming.

I'm swimming while hardly breathing.

autopilot, carrying around a bubble on my head.

warping the walls, floors, air is getting lighter.

world gets greyer the more I panic.

Let's take a deep breathe.

did the walls get closer? What's on my floor? where is my floor there is just stuff.

have I simply been existing staring through this bubble?

should I pop it? but if I do... the water will cave in, I won't be able to breathe.... I will collapse.

Or will I?

[sweetpeauserboxes]