୨ৎ⋆.˚❤︎⭒ [she/her] 21
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enhypen y.jungwon nct x.dejun z.chenle exo o.sehun svt w.junhui
i just wanna let it go ★彡 why don't you just let me go ?

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@drunkhee
୨ৎ⋆.˚❤︎⭒ [she/her] 21
faves !
enhypen y.jungwon nct x.dejun z.chenle exo o.sehun svt w.junhui
i just wanna let it go ★彡 why don't you just let me go ?
THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL ⟡ 赵雨凡
再見 ★ you and chao yufan were alike in the sense that you treated everything like a competition, and missed that the basis of human connection is cooperation and harmony. similarly, you were alike in the sense that you both forgot that in competition, there can only be one winner, and that the path to victory is paved with heartbreak and betrayal.
warnings ★ swearing, angst, mentions of sports-related injuries, reader whacks james over the head with a hockey stick (gently), both reader and james are stubborn brats, hella artistic liberties, reader being a foreigner is integral to the story, kissing, arguing, in-depth depictions and descriptions of injuries and panic attacks, unhealthy dynamics, age gap wherein james is older, i really milked all the angst i could out of this one guys i’m sorry, also my inaccurate descriptions of winter sports and really bad mandarin and hokkien sprinkled throughout. lmk if i missed any!
genre ★ nonidol au, sports au, strangers to friends, friends into lovers, and strangers again, mutual dislike to lovers, romance, sports drama, angst, figureskater!reader, hockeyplayer!james, brief figureskater!juhoon cameo, james x reader
word count ★ 30.9k
notes ★ for my talented girl. skye, you mean the world to me. since i can’t tell you directly how proud i am of you and how wonderful you are, i did it in the second best way i knew how: a 30k word angst fic with your bias and one of your forgotten passions. i hope i did it justice, mi amor.
listen to… back in taipei, and for the skating scenes, short programs and free skates!
YOU ONCE HAD A friend who hated airports. When you’d asked him, thoroughly perplexed and half in disbelief, he’d told you that it was because it meant departure. People left, and wouldn’t be able to see their loved ones until they returned. It reminded him of his mother leaving, he said, whenever she went to her home country and couldn’t bring him along.
You saw things differently. You saw them with the eyes of someone who wished to travel to lands of new opportunity, to places where you could leave your old self behind and start anew. A new place meant new people, new experiences, new sights, new outlooks on life. It reminded you of when you arrived in your new home country, young and naive and full of dreams.
It was in this way and many others that you and Chao Yufan differed.
Funnily enough, the first time you met him was in an airport. Or, well, close to one.
北京 BEIJING
2022
You were beat. While the flight from Taipei to Beijing wasn’t far, or long, or truly anything that warranted your current exhaustion, your endless training of the past week certainly was. Your limbs ached with overexertion as you climbed off the aeroplane, hauling your carry-on with you while your coach, Peiling, walked purposefully several paces in front of you.
The airport was busy as you made your way to the baggage claim area, filled to the brim with families and couples on their way to and from different places in the world. The energy was overwhelming in a manner that made your words fail you. The atmosphere was emotionally charged, charged with the weight of families separating for the holidays, or a couple reunited after a business trip. Teenagers leaving home, adults returning. It made the air smell sweet with emotion, tears and smiles and laughs and sobs all to be heard and experienced in scenes within mere metres of one another.
You, like several other athletes on your flight, had travelled to Beijing for the Junior Asian Winter Games to represent their country on an international scale. It wasn’t too big of an event, featuring only competitors from a few countries across the continent, but for someone of your calibre—who’d only ever performed locally—it was like landing on Mars. More important, in fact. All Mars had was craters and buggies. Beijing had everything.
It had been a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity given to you by a bored sponsor who had nowhere better to spend their money, but you didn’t care what it was that brought you here. All that mattered was that you’d made it, and you wouldn’t let the opportunity to make the best of it pass you by.
Baggage claim was as busy as the rest of the airport, filled to the brim with people fighting over who deserved to take their luggage first, who deserved to wait, and who deserved to lose an eye for the Louis Vitton suitcase that had made its tenth rotation without any sign of its owner stepping forward to claim it. You paused at the sight; the crowd, moving like one angry, sleep-deprived entity, and in a split second decided it would be physically safer for you to give up taking your luggage before you even started trying.
Unfortunately, you were travelling with an even angrier, even more sleep-deprived middle aged coach who was not about to waste her precious dollars simply because of your crippling anxiety, and so, you ventured into the storm.
As you made your way to the mechanical spiral which rotated everyone’s bags like a silent urge for them to step up and claim what was theirs, your shoulders continuously bumped by nainais out for blood, you thought to yourself that whoever said the eye of the storm was the calmest bit was a dirty liar and a certain cheat. You yelped when an older gentleman pushed you cleanly out of the way, your hard-earned strength failing you in the moment of shock. Peiling yelled something at him in her Northern drawl and he backed off immediately. After that terrifying interaction, you simply kept to the sides, the areas where people didn’t bother to wait, your gaze fixed on the moving conveyor belt, on the lookout for a large suitcase with a bright, shiny pink shell.
It was after a few moments of staring and zoning out that you spotted it, pointing towards it with a victorious sound as if your newfound powers of voice-activated telekinesis would make the thing levitate towards you. Alas, it did not, and you had to use your hands and arms like the rest of the world.
You picked it up with quite a bit of effort, less because you’d overpacked and more because whatever equipment you couldn’t fit in your carry-on had been thrown into your suitcase, which, given Beijing’s tight policies on carry-on weight, was most of it. You nodded to Peiling, widening your eyes as if to say, I’ve got it. We can go. She gave you a quick thumbs up and turned to leave, and you followed shortly after.
Sunset had inched over the horizon by the time you made it outside, the cold November air hitting your face and freezing your cheeks. Peiling raised her one free hand to hail a cab, pushing you into the open backseat once it arrived. You took a heavy seat while she loaded your luggage into the boot before finally joining you, sighing like an old man with joint issues. You watched in silent amusement as she got settled, noticed your stare, and smacked your arm, clicking her tongue in disapproval. “Aiya, you’re such a badly behaved child. Don’t laugh at your elders like that.”
“I wasn’t laughing!” you objected, though the giggle that you fought said differently.
She tsked. “Whatever. You and the rest of the athletes from Taiwan will be staying in the same hotel for the week that we’re here. Lights are out at nine, and you will be awake by six. I will not wake you up. Understood?”
“Yes, coach,” you said, still grinning like an idiot.
“Ai,” came the voice of your driver, fast-paced and slurred as you’d been told the Beijingers spoke. “You going to tell me where you want to go, or what?”
Peiling made a noise of irritation, but supplied nonetheless, “The Starlight Five Star, shifu. By Wonder Ice Sports Centre.”
He input the location in his GPS, asking, “You here for the Games?”
Peiling nodded. “Mm.”
He didn’t say anything after that, but you could see him nodding to himself as he drove off. Peiling leaned back in her seat, muttering something about Mainlanders before she asked you, “By the way, when did you add those stickers to your suitcase?”
You’d stolen someone’s suitcase.
This, you realised after you’d flopped unceremoniously onto your bed as Peiling made herself comfortable in her joint bedroom, zipping it open and finding it chock full of men’s clothes. Now, you weren’t necessarily the most outwardly feminine girl in the world, but you’d never gone as far as shopping in the men’s section, so you knew there was no way these clothes could’ve possibly been yours. Furthermore, the likelihood that you’d taken someone else’s luggage by mistake was only a bit higher than that of someone stealing all your clothes and replacing it with men’s clothes in some sort of sick act of villainy.
You sat up straight, a small, confused noise leaving your mouth as you rummaged through the stranger’s luggage in growing panic. Where you’d stored your signature leg warmers now were a pair of basketball shorts big enough to fit someone three times your size; where you’d packed a variety of hair products and creams for competition day, someone had carelessly chucked in a pair of shin guards and stocky gloves. And most importantly, where you’d neatly folded up the custom-made leotard your coach had spent half her life savings on, was simply a copy of some sort of anime film on DVD.
“What the hell is this?” you muttered, tossing more tubes of chapstick than was necessary for a man behind you, searching as if you’d find the contents of your suitcase beneath the layers and layers of his things. “How in the hell did this happen?”
“…When did you add those stickers to your suitcase?”
Your eyes widened, falling back onto your heels as a wave of realisation swept over you like the salty sea rollers on Fulong Beach. This wasn’t your suitcase. You’d taken someone else’s luggage, and were now armed with all the wrong equipment one day before the biggest competition of your career so far.
Ah, crap.
You groaned in frustration, dragging a hand over your face as you flopped onto your back, head falling against the soft, heavenly hotel pillows you’d be sleeping on for the night. Unfortunately, you were far too stressed to even be able to enjoy them.
From somewhere on the other side of your room, behind the door that joined Peiling’s with yours, you heard her shout, “What happened now?”
When you didn’t answer, she pestered, “Tell me why you sound like you’re dying, la!”
“I took someone else’s luggage at the airport!” you yelled back, screwing your eyes shut in embarrassment and exhaustion at your own uselessness. Maybe if you’d glanced at it more than once, or waited for another rotation you’d see that it clearly wasn’t your suitcase despite the uncanny resemblance it bore to it. For starters, it looked more worn, with chips and scratch marks yours didn’t have. The owner had customised it as well, with stickers and tags and his name and number in permanent ink and—
You sat up again, this time with more purpose as you recognised the familiar traditional characters jump in front of your eyes. Even after all these years, it took some time for you to be able to decipher every letter, but after a moment or two, you could fully read what was in front of you, murmuring the words as you went.
“If lost, please return to…” you narrowed your eyes, squinting to read the handwritten scrawl in the low light of your hotel room, “…please return to James Chao.” Then, beneath the message, the ten digits that would lead you to him.
Your one-eighty reaction must’ve given Peiling quite the scare, because when you yelped in victory and started shoving the stranger’s belongings back into his suitcase, slamming the pink shell shut and already reaching to your bedside table for your phone, she opened the door and rushed into your room, stormy eyes widened in an expression of shock. “What is it? Why are you making such noise so late at night?”
She looked a bit ridiculous, her dewy, done-up skin and fuzzy robe doing little to add to the shock and growing frustration in her voice.
“I stole someone else’s suitcase,” you said, rehashing the previous moments’ occurrences to her, “but then I saw that the owner wrote his name and number on the front, so I can call him and find him and get my suitcase back because, you know, since we have the same suitcase, it’s only right to assume he’d taken mine—anyway, I can find him and get my suitcase back as well, hopefully before the competition tomorrow.”
She gave you a long stare, before nodding in the way that told you she’d believe what you said, but that whatever you did was your responsibility. “Alright,” she murmured. “But you can’t rely on hope. You better pray to Mother Guanyin that this pans out, because if not, I’ll have you compete in sweatpants and borrowed skates. Understood?”
You shivered in equal parts horror and disgust. “Yes, coach.”
Peiling shook her head in obvious disappointment, while you made a mission of dialling the stranger’s number to call him. The phone rang for several moments before he picked up—chrrr… chrrr… chrrr…
“Yes?” came the voice of a very irritated James Chao. You could imagine him, the stranger, his face a blur of what his voice brought to mind, his brow furrowed in frustration. His voice was gentle, but persistent, raspy, a bit nasally in a way that wasn’t too annoying just yet.
What a bad time to be an introvert. And what an even worse time to be someone who performed badly socially under even the slightest bit of pressure. “Um, hi. I, uh… I’m…” You paused, giving him your name, and then, “I think I may have something of yours.”
The other line was silent for a moment. Then, “You better be the person who has my suitcase.”
“I am,” you said. “It’s a pink Louis Vitton with stickers and shit all over it, right? And it has, like, I don’t know what kind of equipment—”
“Hockey equipment,” he answered for you, with more snark than was truly necessary. “And yours has a bunch of sparkly tutus and, like, a shit ton of lip gloss. And… footless socks?”
“Leg warmers,” you corrected, more defensive than you’d meant to be. “They’re leg warmers. I’m a figure skater. I use leg warmers. My socks have feet.”
“Alright, okay,” he acquiesced. “Where are you?”
“The Starlight Five Star,” you said. “Right by—”
“Wonder Ice in Beijing,” he interrupted, a seconds’ realisation spoken into existence. You could imagine him furrowing his brows as he further grasped, “You’re Taiwanese.”
“I grew up there,” you corrected, brain on autopilot. You were used to pointing out the difference to people. “Not Taiwanese Taiwanese, but—”
“Doesn’t matter. You’re in Beijing to compete, right?” You nodded like he could see you, and he continued, “All of us are on the seventh floor. Find me in front of the elevator in fifteen minutes, and we can swap our bags. Got it?”
“Okay,” you said, nodding definitively. The longer you spoke to James, the more eager you were to hang up and get the interaction over and done with. “See you then.”
His final words to you were, “Yeah, whatever.”
Once you’d told Peiling what you’d arranged with James, and she let you go with a firm nod and an encouraging smack on your shoulder, you pulled on a jumper over your pyjamas and lugged the stolen suitcase out of your room and down the carpeted hallway. The elevator was several paces to the right of your room—because the event organisers loved you so much, they’d stuck you in the furthest corner of the seventh floor, meaning you had to walk past the skiing and curling teams who, in spite of the nine o’clock cutoffs for all athletes, were all still hooting and hollering like they were at a house party.
Your feet thumped gently on the carpeted floor as you made your way down the hall, James’ suitcase rolling silently behind you. You stopped at the elevator, as discussed, turning your head this way and that in search of someone to match your current state: tired, pyjama’d, and in the mood for business.
James Chao first appeared before you that night you’d accidentally taken his suitcase and he yours, long after the athletes’ curfew and only a few hours before both of you would be competing the following morning. Black hair swept over a pair of dark eyes narrowed in apparent frustration, smooth, tanned skin glowing under the warm lights of the hotel as he frowned like he’d been personally wronged. Which, if he was nearly as dramatic as he’d sounded on the phone, may or may not have been his personal truth. A baggy graphic shirt and basketball shorts swallowed the lean figure beneath, and just as you were about to get a proper look at him, he said,
“You scratched it.”
You paused. “What?”
“My suitcase. You scratched it.”
Frowning, you looked down at the hard shell in your hold, looking no less damaged than it had when you’d taken it from baggage claim. “Um, sorry,” you said anyway, because you weren’t in the mood to prove your innocence currently. “I didn’t mean to—”
“It’s whatever,” he dismissed. His voice was clearer in real life. I mean, of course it was, but, you know. He shook his head, looking as eager to get back to his hotel room as you were. “Anyway, uh, here’s your suitcase back.”
He rolled it out from behind him, and you did the same. For a moment or two, you both stood there in virtual silence, staring down at the other’s suitcase. You swore you heard crickets once the silence stretched to thirty seconds. Then, with just as many words as you’d exchanged beforehand, which is to say, none, you switched bags, and balance was restored to the universe once more.
James looked up at you, sent you a firm, definitive nod. You did the same. Despite the moments leading up to the interaction being less than desirable, you completed what needed to be done, and did so without that much of an issue.
Or so you thought.
As you turned to make your way back to your room, your suitcase rolling behind you, footsteps joined by the sound of James’ own, you heard him stop, slipper-clad feet skidding to a halt on the carpeted floor. Stop. Pause. Turn.
“You went through my stuff.”
You stopped. Paused. Turned. “Yeah,” you admitted, eyes narrowed in that same way that people who are in an outlandishly drawn out and overdone interaction do, the same way someone who shouldn’t have to be explaining themselves does. “I thought it was my bag, so I opened it up.”
“And, what, you just mess up your entire suitcase the moment you open it?” he asked. Oh, he was getting far too bratty for your liking.
You stepped forward, the movement like an accusation. “How do you even notice something like that?” you asked nonsensically. “Something so… so minute, so minuscule—”
“Big words for someone of your size,” he spat, equally as nonsensical.
“What the hell is that even supposed to mean?”
“You know damn well what it means!”
You threw up your hands in a gesture that you were sure conveyed your frustration, exhaustion, and impending insanity all at once. “What is your problem?!”
“What’s yours?”
You pointed at him frantically, as if he were the obvious answer. “You! You’re my problem!”
He pointed right back, index finger in your face and all. “And you’re mine! I have a game at seven tomorrow morning and I’m standing here arguing with you!”
“Oh, trust me, I do not want to be stuck defending myself against a diva with a competition only a few hours ahead of me,” you said. “The feeling is horridly mutual.”
He scoffed. “You’re such a pain.”
Before you got a chance to retort at all, much less properly, James turned on his heel and left, walking with the conviction of a man scorned. The last you saw of him was him walking down the hall, hips swaying this way and that with more sass than you felt was fit for a man.
And because you were so very mature, such an emotionally intelligent young woman who knew when to walk away from a confrontation, you turned and left once you grew sick of staring at his departing form, muttering to yourself, “Stupidhead.”
You hoped you never had to see his dumb face again.
台北 TAIPEI
TWO WEEKS LATER
It was only you in the rink before he arrived.
You swept across the ice, legs moving as if by their own will. The cold stung your cheeks and creeped in through your tights, the sort of cold that sat in the back of your mind while the rest of your body burnt with exertion, limbs starting to ache from the push and pull of temperatures. Music drifted from the speaker you’d placed somewhere outside the rink, possibly in the stands where you’d left your personal belongings, slow and melodic and not at all matching your current mood.
You huffed in frustration as yet another Salchow failed to come to fruition, the edge of your skate blade as uncooperative as it had been for the past several training sessions. Something about the way you moved, or the angle of your foot, or the ice—something had to be wrong, and you needed to find out what it was and fix it.
Peiling had told you that your second place performance in Beijing was good enough, which was rather uncharacteristic for her. She’d always been the one to push you to the edge, to test the limits of your abilities and patience. Her simply throwing in the towel and saying your performance in an international competition was good enough meant something. It meant she thought you were tired. Losing your edge. In a rut.
You were determined to prove her wrong.
Minutes turned into hours that you’d spent at the rink back in Taipei after your usual practice session; the rink where you’d first put on skates, where you’d spent birthdays and Christmases and good days and bad days on the ice. Where you’d found your purpose.
It seemed the longer you tried to perfect your moves, to swivel your body or sweep your skates a certain way, the more you seemed to be failing. Shinya Kiyozuka and his upbeat, romantic masterpieces weren’t exactly helping your mood, either, though you weren’t sure if anything else would. Maybe you were just being impossible today.
You knew every athlete had their off days. Days where nothing seemed to stick, where they seemed to forget everything they’d learnt until that point. Days where the universe didn’t seem to be ruling in their favour, where their coaches and teammates patted them on the back and said, “Maybe next time.” But you weren’t that sort of athlete, the sort that could afford to be bad for a day.
In between the jump and twists and the growing cold and the flakes of ice floating through the air you failed to notice the double doors of the rink swinging open languidly, nor the set of footsteps that came afterwards. You bent your knee deeply, gliding backwards with your leg raised, before planting it into the ice, twirling into the air, one, two, three times, arms raised high above your head. A simple triple flip, but it was more than you’d been able to achieve all day.
A sharp sound rang through the air. Once, twice, thrice before it gave way to a neverending cacophony that made you turn your head. Someone was clapping, approaching with their hands set in a lazy position of applause. It echoed throughout the entire rink, travelling across the ice and straight to your ears; piercing, the sort of sound that made people flinch.
James walked towards the ice with an undeniable swagger in his step, not unlike his gait when you first met him. Though, could you say met, when the whole interaction lasted less than five minutes? He looked different this time, more put together, standing taller, like he owned the world and it owed him everything. A jacket hung loosely around his frame, opening just enough to show the graphic tee he’d most likely hand-selected, silky black hair in meticulous tousles.
“What are you doing here?” were your first words to him since Beijing.
He didn’t say anything, hopping down the steps that led to the rink in silence, hands still braced for applause. Only until he reached the ice, leaning against the barrier separating you from normal ground did he say anything. He smiled, and it was difficult to deduce if it was friendly or not. “You’re pretty good, ice queen.”
You stayed planted in the middle of the ice that reflected white on your black stockings, matched your white leg warmers. You crossed your arms over your chest, not caring if the action made you appear petulant. “You say that like it’s a surprise. What are you doing here?”
While you couldn’t confidently assert that his face fell, there was a loss of amusement in his expression when it became clear you wouldn’t play ball with him. “I’m just here for some solo practice,” he explained, lifting the large duffel bag he’d slung across his front.
You paused. “You skate here, too?”
“Not during the week, usually,” he admitted. “But today’s a special day, it seems like. Practice got cancelled and my usual roller hockey rink is booked right now. So—” he grinned again, quick and sly— “here I am. And here you are. My problem.”
You were sure he meant it jokingly; as you could tell by the obvious switch from serious to sarcastic in his tone of voice. He was simply referencing the last time you met, when you called him your problem and he called you his. But there was something about the way he said it this time, snarkier and perhaps even more arrogant than before, derision in place of anger, that made you want to roll your eyes to the back of your head. What about him, exactly, enraged you so?
You’d find out soon enough.
Turning your back to him, you continued your desperate swipes and turns to try and mimic someone who knew what the hell they were doing. You weren’t convinced that you succeeded.
James watched, thankfully silent, leaned all the while against the barrier. Somewhere in between your several flutzes, he’d pulled on his gear; knee pads and skates and silver chains that dangled as he hopped over onto the ice, floundering a bit from the extravagant entrance.
“I watched you at the Games.”
This made you stop and, once again, turn towards the boy. You could guess he was a year or two older than you—not from how he spoke or composed himself, but from something deeper that told you things about him he didn’t even need to say himself. It was that same something that had told you to trust him down the line, the same something everyone has, telling them things they know about people they don’t. It’s important to remember that you can’t always trust when that something speaks.
“Oh, yeah?” you asked with feigned disinterest he’d never catch onto. “Thought you had a match at seven.”
“I did,” he said. “And your performance was at nine.” He skated towards you, gliding easily. “The rink you performed in was a five minute walk from ours.” He shrugged then, adding, “A few friends and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about after we won our match.”
“And?” you prodded. “Was it worth your time?”
“I’d say so, yeah.” He shifted one leg in front of the other, movements calm and effortless. “You’re pretty good.”
You preened at the compliment despite it being from someone you weren’t too fond of at that moment, because, like any teenager, you were a bit full of yourself when it came to the things you were good at.
James tilted his head. “But you’re too gentle.”
You scoffed. Too gentle. There was no such thing in a sport as graceful as figure skating. It didn’t matter that Peiling had told you the same thing three sessions ago, that your attempts at poise had made your art lacking. James didn’t need to know that. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He didn’t let up. “I see what you try to do in your moves, it just translates wrong on the ice. Your gracefulness comes across as hesitance; that’s why you only got second place.”
You scowled, ignoring the pinch in your heart. He was a stranger who knew nothing about your craft, not even the simplest thing. Why would you need to listen to him? “I don’t need you to explain skating to me,” you snapped. His unwanted presence and unneeded commentary had become too much to bear. “I got in second because I slipped. Not because of anything you might’ve convinced yourself is relevant.”
“Listen, all I wanna do is help,” he tried, nearing you. In turn, you glided backwards, intent on keeping your distance. “You wanna win, don’t you?”
“What’s it to you?” you muttered.
“Nothing,” he confessed. “It’s not important to me. But it could be important to you.”
A long stretch of silence followed. You stayed where you were, James only a few paces ahead. From what you could see, he meant nothing ill by his words, though there was still something that kept you from replying just yet. Maybe it was your own scepticism. It was an odd scene, an odd interaction; the sort that comes so unexpectedly that you don’t even have the slightest idea of how to continue, so all you really can do is just that.
“You don’t look Taiwanese.”
“I’m not,” he said, “technically. Dad’s from Hong Kong and my mom is Thai.”
“Yet you play in the national youth league?” you asked.
“Yep.”
“Must be nice.”
He nodded, the action softer compared to his previous ones. While Taiwan had many excellent foreign athletes to represent the country, it took a lot of exceptional skill—more so than the locals required, many cried—for them to make it out of the foreign leagues they were so kindly sorted into. James could only imagine how hard it must’ve been on foreign kids, when he himself worked so hard to keep his place in the league as a local.
Then, with the finesse of a newborn fawn walking on solid ground for the first time, you switched the subject. “I saw a few of your highlight reels from the Games. You’re not bad.”
Good to know that twelve years of practice got him a compliment like that. “Thanks,” he said dryly. “I try my best.”
If you were to take him up on his offer—which you weren’t even sure you would just yet, it was just a silly, fleeting thought—you were, in essence, rolling a dice you had no idea even had numbers on. It would be a shot in the dark, a complete leap of faith towards someone you’d met once and were sure you held a great amount of contempt for.
But then, how would you know if the outcome would be bad? In short, you wouldn’t. You had just as much of a chance of learning something meaningful from him than you did wasting your time on him and vice versa. Like he’d said, it wouldn’t be important to him, but it could be important to you.
“The only thing is,” you started, grabbing his attention, “you’re like an elephant on the ice.”
James made a noise in the back of his throat, the crassness of your comment catching him off-guard. “Excuse me?”
“You don’t have any tact when you skate,” you pressed, “especially in handling the puck. It’s like you’ve got cement for hands.”
“What would you know about ice hockey?” he asked, snippy.
“As much as you’d know about figure skating,” you said.
He froze, mouth clamped shut in shock.
And checkmate.
You narrowed your eyes, watching him carefully. To an outsider it would’ve looked like a glance with reservations and its own opinions; maybe even to you. But what it really was was a look of assessment, a look that acted as the buffer between your thoughts and the answer they’d give you, the answer you’d soon give James.
“James is a pretty weird name for a Taiwanese kid,” you said. Half and half the truth and a fabrication, really. Most Taiwanese children answered to their Mandarin names, while some went on to choose English names as they expanded their professional horizons. “Is it your real name, or a Hong Kong thing?”
He didn’t answer your question, not fully. “My friends call me Yufan. Everyone else calls me James.”
“And what can I call you?” you asked.
“It depends. What would you like to call me?”
The statement in and of itself didn’t betray any deeper meaning, though you knew what he meant. Would you keep your distance from him, tell him that you didn’t need his help, remain professional, or would you say yes, accept his help, and become his mentee—even more, perhaps even his friend.
Maybe he’s lonely, you thought. Lonely and clueless on how to ask someone to be his friend. Or maybe he was just some prick on a power trip trying to make you feel bad about your skills.
You wouldn’t know unless you took a chance on him.
“Alright, how about this.” You clasped your hands together, earnest. “You give me pointers on how to improve my figure skating, and I’ll help you become better at ice hockey. It only seems fair,” you added as he went to protest, “since we’d only be assisting each other in specific elements. You good with that?”
He seemed to mull over your proposal, though he seemed unhappy to learn that you were not impressed with his own skill. “Fine,” he said begrudgingly. He stuck out his hand for you to shake, wriggling his lean, ringed fingers. “Training buddies?”
You took it, your palm cold against his warm skin. “Training buddies.”
Before you knew it, weeks had passed.
James became a regular feature in your life since he’d rather rudely inserted himself into it, squeezing himself in between your Tuesday cram school and your Thursday solo training. He always arrived with a smile on his face, though the contents of it always differed; some days he was smug, impatiently tapping your legs as he waited for you to get a manoeuvre right; other days he was soft, assuring you that not having the strength you needed to do a certain drill wasn’t the end of the world, even when you acted like it was.
Similarly, you’d been able to whip him into shape with the mindset of a ballet teacher in skates, stern and precise and never in the mood for the endless nonsense he dished out. You balanced each other’s energy like that. Where you were rigid schedules and languid, flowing movements, James was pure, unfiltered bursts of creativity and crashes into barriers. He showed you how to colour outside the lines, and you taught him how to outline the sketches he needed to play.
But before all that happened, more than a few things went wrong.
Before you learnt how to trust him, you’d hit him over the head with his own hockey stick.
The air was tense, alight with the anger and frustration you shared. James glared at you with the fire of a thousand suns burning in his eyes, jaw set in a scowl that made your blood curdle. “You’re a little brat, you know that? A brat who refuses to cooperate the moment she has to do something she doesn’t want to—”
“Don’t you dare talk to me like that,” you snapped.
“I’ll talk to you however I want,” he shot back. “As long as you keep being useless—”
Right, said the reasonable part of your brain. Enough is enough. So, in a split-second decision, you grabbed the stick he’d been holding—the old but sturdy taped-up contraption he’d been using to correct your posture that didn’t need correcting—and reared your arms back, coming down hard on his back as he ducked for safety.
You didn’t hurt him that badly, you could see afterwards. But he made sure to milk the shit out of your sympathy once you realised what you’d done.
Before he learnt how to take you seriously, he told you stipid things like,
“You know, you shouldn’t act so haughty all the time. You and I both learnt the same things in beginners skating lessons.” He glanced you up and down in a way that you weren’t sure if it was judgemental or merely observant. “You’re not teaching me anything new, here.”
You paused, your arms still braced in the elegant position you’d been in to demonstrate the gentler movements that would help him during matches. You placed your hands on your hips in a very unladylike fashion, scowling. “Last I checked, I’m not a beginner figure skater, and last I checked, I don’t constantly injure myself because of my poor form.”
He scoffed. “Pfft—okay, my form is not that bad—”
“You skate like a fucking pensioner.”
“—defence players are literally the best skaters on the ice. And we play two different sports! You can’t compare the styles of the two.”
You raised a brow. “I thought you just said we learnt the same basics.”
He froze. “Shit, yeah. Okay. That— that was on me, this time.”
Before you learnt to work together like a well-oiled machine, you’d bruised yourselves bumping heads like bulls.
“If you think, for even one second, I’m going to skate laps around this rink while you sit on your ass and time me, you’ve got another thing coming.”
“And if you think I’m just going to stand here and argue with you all afternoon instead of getting shit done, you’ve got an even bigger thing coming. Put on your skates.”
You threw him a filthy look, still stubbornly in your worn trainers. “Make me, princess.”
“I’ll make you eat your hands, is what I’ll make you do,” he replied, pressing his index finger halfway to your face.
However, after several gruelling hours and unproductive days, you realised that it was in both your best interests to simply pretend like you got along. And it worked.
You watched with bated breath as James glided across the ice, parroting the moves you’d shown him earlier. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, turn, and repeat. Since you’d given him your begrudging, hard-handed guidance, he’d become more graceful in his skating, more careful in his movements. He no longer moved with the tact of a baby elephant, and he’d even gotten better at handling his puck, though you had nothing in particular to do with that.
James looked back at you from over his shoulder, eyes expectant and awaiting your praise. “How’s this? Am I doing it?”
Manoeuvring your soft expression into a manner of nonchalance, you leaned your arms against the barrier, shrugging your shoulders. Your leg raised behind you in a subconscious movement, a stretching exercise Peiling had drilled into you so effectively that you did it without thinking. “You’re getting there,” you admitted, watching as he perfected the exercises you’d told him to work on in his downtime.
James’ face fell to an unimpressed scowl at the impartial remark, but he could easily fool himself into thinking he saw, if just for a moment, a glimmer of pride in your eyes when he first turned to you. It was a quick, fleeting look you’d given him when you thought he couldn’t see, but he caught on. He always did. After all, he was a defenceman. He needed to keep a keen eye.
And before you fell apart, Chao Yufan showed you a part of him that he hadn’t shown anyone else.
“You know, it’s kind of difficult to believe you don’t like Yufan.”
Those were the first words that your senior and longtime comrade spoke to you since returning from a training camp in China.
Lin Shihan was one of the most renowned Taiwanese figure skaters in the world of winter sports, Peiling’s first prodigy and, most importantly, the girl you’d been calling ‘big sister’ for as long as you could remember. She entered the rink with a look on her face, because that seemed to be the way everyone you knew was greeting you these days, and crossed her arms over her chest. She was dressed in her civvies, a stark contrast to your fitted black training gear—tights, skirt, top, leg warmers and all—her hair done up in its usual tight bun.
She’d met James in passing a few times, even though their schedules almost never overlapped. The interactions had been friendly enough, from what you could deduct. All you knew she thought of him was that he had too much attitude and that she refused to call him James on account of being older than him. Not that she had any knowledge of your dynamic, much less persuasions or opinions of it.
You turned to her with wide eyes, because you were used to her greeting you with a little more than a wild accusation that you liked your training buddy. Usually she gave you a, “Hey, how was your week?” Sometimes you were even lucky enough to get, “I missed you while I was gone.” Not today, it seemed.
“What… is that supposed to mean?” you asked dumbly.
“Oh, don’t play dumb with me,” she scoffed, motioning for you to skate closer. You did, stopping only a few centimetres short of where she stood, leaning your elbows against the barrier as you came closer for some serious girl talk, because that’s what her expression told you you were in for. She quirked a brow, as if challenging you to tell her differently from what she believed. “I’ve seen you two training together. You’re soooo yunlan.”
“Nuh-uh,” you scoffed petulantly. “Am not.”
“He definitely likes you,” she added quickly. Unfortunately—or perhaps fortunately, for her—you caught it. Her brown eyes shifted from somewhere in the middle distance to you, like she was trying to be nonchalant and failing on purpose, like people do in the movies when they want someone to realise something. And you did.
You gasped. “He does not!”
“Say what you want,” she sang, “but the proof is all there.”
“He literally hates me,” you said, perhaps a bit dramatically. “We only train together because we need each other’s help, you know that. Outside of that, we practically never talk. And he’s always so rude to me! Remember that time he wanted to trip me just because he felt like it? That’s so not yunlan behaviour.”
She shrugged. “He’s pulling on your pigtails.”
You pointed an accusatory finger in her face. “You do not exist to plant doubt about my training buddy in my brain, okay? That is not your purpose in the plot.”
“I kind of do,” she said. “Isn’t that what big sisters are for? Making you doubt yourself? No,” she corrected herself, tilting her head. “That’s what coaches are for.” She turned back to you, smug. “I’m just here to annoy you.”
“Why are you even here to talk about James?” you whined. “You just came back from Harbin, and the first thing you do instead of telling me about the competition is tease me about a crush I don’t have.”
She sighed, rolling her eyes like you asking about her trip was the last thing she wanted to talk about. “Fine. What do you want to know about the trip? I went, I won. I remain the undefeated champion in Asia for women’s singles in the senior division.”
“Well… what was your hotel like?” you enquired innocently.
“Big.”
“And Harbin? What’s it like this time of year?” you tried again.
“Cold.”
You threw up your hands in a hopeless gesture. “You’re doing that on purpose!” you accused. “You’re trying to make me less interested in Harbin so you can bother me about my nonexistent crush on James. And don’t say it’s not nonexistent,” you said, catching her look. “Because it’s not. Not nonexistent. It’s not— it doesn’t exist.”
“Ugh, why are you so opposed to a little romance?” she asked. “You’re a teenager. Shouldn’t you be all over a cute older guy like him?”
“I’m not opposed to it,” you said. “It’s just not the most important thing to me right now.”
“And, what? Skating is?” Shihan shook her head. “You can’t live your whole life like that.”
An uncharacteristically solemn silence followed.
You deflated, your posture growing sloppy where it once had been stilted, standing at attention. Her statement hung in the air, blunt and unsoftened by a joke or jest as it usually would’ve been. The air was cold, more so than before, and you felt the tips of your fingers beginning to numb.
You knew she was right. She hadn’t even affirmed her position outright; all she’d done was ask you a question and tell you that you couldn’t live your life a certain way. But you knew well enough what she meant—your whole life, short-lived as it had been until that point, could not revolve around one thing and one thing only. You were a teenager with all the time and opportunity in the world. Why didn’t you take a break every now and then?
You knew, and so did Shihan, that there was no such thing as a break when it came to this sport. Figure skaters started young, competed young, dominated young, and spent the rest of their lives either still competing or training other young ones. You started when you were five, competed from the age of ten, dominated from thirteen up until now, and would probably spend the rest of your life doing the same.
You couldn’t—wouldn’t—start resting, kicking back, enjoying life now. Or ever, for that matter. You weren’t destined for a life of joy and relaxation. You were destined for greatness. And that came at the price of your childhood; a price you were already paying; a price you wouldn’t stop paying until you were standing on that first place podium at the Winter Olympics. Who cares what you wanted out of life? It wasn’t about you, or being yourself, but what you owed to everyone who helped you in getting to where you were now; too far along to be able to give up, too privileged to be able to complain about something as small as freedom.
“I know you think so,” you said, and she took careful note of your word choice. Then, mustering up a small smile, you added, “I’ll try to have some fun this year. How’s that sound?”
Good enough for me, her expression seemed to say. Keenly looking into your doleful eyes, your empty smile. You tried. You really did. You tried to be positive for her. But she knew, she’d been where you were. She was where you were. There was no positivity for anyone or anything that did not get you to where you needed to be, which was in first place. You wouldn’t let anything get in your way. Not friends, not family, not cram school, and certainly not a boy.
Though, in hindsight, you didn’t much mind letting James get in your way, did you?
The city of Taipei was busiest at night, when the streets were filled with people and the night sky was lit up by street lamps and neon signs. Marketplaces were especially crowded, with tourists and locals alike bumping elbows to try and get to their favourite stalls, nainais and ahyis yelling to be heard over the hustle and bustle of the vendors. You steered James through the teeming streets, his bigger hand fitting snugly in yours as you tried to locate the stall you’d been telling him about all week. You moved with the purpose of a girl on a mission, ready to prove yourself correct.
It all started one afternoon after training, when Peiling and James’ coach, Chen Yuhsuan—a man in his forties who seemed to have an oddly extensive, tense history with your own coach—had let you go for the day and you were left to your own devices. It had become something of a routine for the two of you to get lunch together, at a small place just a hop, skip and a jump away from the train station you parted ways at in the evenings, when it was high time for you to return home. You’d been sitting across from him at your usual table, a low, rickety wooden thing that cramped your legs together, making your knees knock each other’s, when James had casually mentioned being a street food connoisseur, and that, in his highest opinion, you were wrong about which street food was the best.
“I’m sorry?” you’d said, pitch picking up at the end as an indication of incredulous question. “What do you mean gua bao isn’t the reigning champ of Asian street food?”
“I mean just that,” he replied, taking a nonchalant spoonful of his congee. “Pad kee mao is undoubtedly the best of the best. You’ll never get anything better, like—” he shrugged, as if the truth were out of his hands— “anywhere.”
“Okay, that… is just objectively wrong,” you said. “Gua bao is a classic that no food in the world can compare to. That’s just a fact.”
He pouted, as if sympathetic. “I can’t blame you for thinking that way. Taiwan doesn’t have the best Thai cuisine, so you’ve probably never tasted pad kee mao in its native excellence. You’ve only got a limited scope of the best food in the world.”
You scowled, jabbing your chopsticks threateningly in his direction. “Don’t speak so definitively, prettyboy. Soon enough, you’ll be proven wrong.”
He raised a singular, dark brow. “Oh, yeah? How so?”
“I’ll take you to the best gua bao spot in Taiwan,” you promised. “Next week, after practice, at this night market by the station.”
He leaned back in his seat, the tips of his fingers playing with the rim of his glass, the plum-coloured and flavoured drink casting a pinkish glow over his hand, smiling in amusement. “…Fine. It’s a date.”
You’d balked. “It is?”
He tilted his head. “If you’d like for it to be.”
Which brought you here, a week later, on your not-a-date date, ready to prove him wrong and change his perspective on the world and food as he knew it.
You found the stall easily enough, if not for its bright lighting and in-your-face advertising, then certainly for the heavenly smell of braised pork belly and fluffy white steamed bread. You let go of James’ hand, showing it off with a flourish and a tada~! he seemed to find adorable. He glanced blankly up at the sign, the warm lights from the overhead lanterns casting a white glow over his glasses, like a character from those mangas he read religiously.
He didn’t say anything as you ordered two of your usual, the classic, the timeless, the unforgettable gua bao as made by Nainai Chen, who’d been making them the same way since before either of you were born. You waited with thinly-veiled anticipation threatening to spill over at even the slightest indication from James’ side that he was anything other than neutral towards what was happening in front of him. A small part of you hoped he knew you’d never done something like this for anyone before. Taken someone out to one of your favourite stalls, the place you kept hidden away from everyone you knew for fear that they would make it their own place.
Yeah. You gatekept your favourite things. So what?
A bigger, more rational part of you knew he probably just thought of this as a friendly outing. A platonic hangout with his younger friend whom he terrorised sometimes. He’d joked about it being a date, but, of course, that’s all it had been—a joke. James Chao was a professional joker, no one to take seriously. Sure, he made jokes, and sure, he was handsome in his own unique way… with nice hair, and tanned skin, and plump lips that were accentuated out by his adorable yet very faint overbite. Why were you thinking of him romantically, again? You weren’t. Didn’t. You didn’t.
Once she finished wrapping up your food, you gave Nainai Chen a grateful bow, paying her several dollars more than you were supposed to, like you always did. She’d learnt to stop refusing your extra money, merely taking it with a kind smile on her weathered face.
You turned to James with your hand already outstretched. He accepted his bao, and you waited in trembling anticipation for his final verdict as he took his first bite. And then his second. And his third. And his—
You threw up your hands, starting, “Oh, come on—!”
“It’s good,” he nodded, chewing thoughtfully. Then, noticing your look, he grinned. “Still not better than pad kee mao, though.”
You deadpanned. “You’re kidding.”
“I maintain that you just haven’t had good drunken noodles yet,” James asserted, while you took an angry bite of your gua bao. “I’ll take you for some proper ones sometime. Promise.”
“Thought you said Taiwan doesn’t do Thai cuisine justice,” you pointed out. “You gonna book us tickets to Bangkok after playoffs, or something?”
“I actually know someone who makes pretty good pad kee mao in Taipei,” he said. He glanced at you, catching onto your questioning look, and said simply, “Mama Chao.”
Your eyes widened. “Your mom?”
“Yep. She’s no chef, but you wouldn’t know that if you only knew her from her cooking. She makes some of the best noodles this side of the world,” he boasted, while you were still trying to process the fact that he wanted you to meet his mother and, by extension, his father, as well.
Meeting the parents had never been such a big deal between friends, so the fact that you were freaking out was perhaps a bit dramatic. But it was different for pairings like you and James. Girls and boys. Even if you were friends, strictly and only ever friends, there’d still always be that added element your biological differences brought to the equation. People still expected most friendships like yours to end in romance, especially parents. What would they think when James brought you home, the girl he’d been training with since November? And for dinner, no less?
He didn’t mention his mother again that night. Not after you drifted from Nainai Chen’s legendary gu bao stall, nor when you walked further into the marketplace in search of something sweet. Not after you’d given up halfway through your mission and opted for convenience store ice cream, nor when you took a seat at a bus stop situated under the stars.
He did say something else, though. When you were halfway through your caramel-flavoured treat, your lips swollen from the chill and covered in sugar, his voice, softer than usual, rang through the air like church bells.
“Why did you agree to be my training buddy?”
You turned to him. You’d been waiting for the moment he’d ask that inevitable question, for the day those words left his plush lips.
“Hockey players always have something to learn from you guys,” he continued, “but figure skaters… you were already talented enough. So why did you even… I don’t know. Why’d you even give me the time of day?”
You squinted up at the moon, bright and pale and silently basking in its glow. “Why did you ask me if you could give me pointers?”
“Honest?” You nodded, and he said, “Because I didn’t know how else to catch or keep your attention.” His eyes flicked to yours, and briefly, swept over your lips. “I dunno if you’ve noticed, but I’m pretty bad at making friends.”
You smiled softly, exhaling through your nose. Not a laugh, not nothing. “Honest?” He nodded, and you said, “Because I wasn’t sure of myself. I mean, I know it sounds stupid. A figure skater not being confident in herself. Crazy, right?”
“Not crazy,” he said softly. “Stupid, maybe. But not crazy.”
You sighed. “Yeah, well.” A grin picked at your mouth. “I know how to do everything. I know how to throw my weight around and to twirl seventy times without puking. But after a while, doing the same routine— the same moves, to the same music, in the same glittery tutu… it gets old, and I lose myself a little bit. When you came around, I’d been in a slump for months. I was consistently placing second in all my competitions, and nothing I did could fix it.”
You remembered when you’d first told Peiling about your plan, she took it surprisingly well. In fact, she—and don’t fall out of your chair when I say this—agreed with what you suggested.
You’d been standing across from her on the ice before one of your usual training sessions, hands floating through the air as you gesticulated, when she nodded in understanding. “Cross-training isn’t too out of the ordinary,” she mentioned, laying a thoughtful hand on her hip. “It’s usually hockey players that train like figure skaters to improve their skating skills, but it’s not unheard of to go the other way around. I didn’t suggest it to you because you’d been performing perfectly until now. Though after Beijing…”
She tilted her head, her face already telling you before she even needed to say a word.
Coming in second wasn’t bad in itself. Silvers were better than nothing in any sport. However, when you went from winning gold at every competition to consistently placing second as you supposedly progressed, well, that was a different story altogether. You knew you were gold medal material; you knew you had the makings of a star in you. That’s what made your silver medals so humiliating. You were so close, you came so close, to winning every competition you qualified for, but you lacked that little bit that separated you from proper winners.
And you couldn’t have that, not for one second.
You tried to ignore the sinking feeling in your gut at her words, wringing your hands in anticipation. “So… would it be possible for us to train together?”
Her face softened. “Of course. We’ll just need to get his coach’s contact details, and set up a training schedule that doesn’t interfere with either of your plans during the week. After that, we can get down to the specifics of what you need to improve on, and what he can learn from you.”
“I didn’t need to improve,” you said. “But I needed inspiration again. And you…”
“I’d suggest that we switch out Tchaikovsky for some Arctic Monkeys, maybe?”
“Mm. How about you try that one combination… the spinny one and the one that has something to do with toes? Like you did that other time.”
“Let’s just throw shit around and see what sticks, okay?”
You chuckled. “You helped a lot.”
“Oh, yeah?” Yufan grinned. “I’m an inspiration to you, huh?”
“Shut up,” you murmured, shoving his shoulder. But you didn’t say no.
The sound of your skates gliding against the ice filled the air as you and Yufan did a few laps around the rink, legs moving languidly behind you, your gaze trained over your shoulder to see where you were going.
“Remember to keep those knees bent!” you called, turning to look in front of you where Yufan was very earnestly focusing on your command, easily dropping lower on his knees, switching more weight onto the outer edges of his skates as you rounded a corner.
“You know, I find it very interesting how, in the three weeks we’ve trained together, you haven’t once picked up a hockey stick,” he said. “Except for that time you hit me with one.”
You squeezed your eyes shut, running a hand over your warming face. “I told you I was sorry about that.”
“I deserved it,” he conceded. “But that’s not my point. I’ve been learning all these fancy figure skating moves—and for a good reason, of course… I just— I’d like to… I dunno.” He sped up, inner edges taking the brunt of the acceleration. “I’d like to maybe, if you’d like, teach you sometime.”
You smiled as he stuttered his way through the proposal. “What, to play ice hockey?”
“Or roller hockey,” he added, shrugging. “Whichever one you’re more interested in.”
“I’m not really interested in either of them, if I’m gonna be honest with you,” you said. “The idea of me playing hockey sounds terrifying. I’d, like, take someone’s eye out.”
“It would probably be mine,” Yufan said. “And I wouldn’t be opposed to that. It gets me one step closer to my true dream: being a pirate.”
You shook your head, fitting in a quick toe loop before gliding to a halt. “You’ve got your heart set on this, don’t you?”
He stopped in front of you, only a metre and a bit between your bodies. “As a matter of fact, I do, yeah.”
Ever since that night at the marketplace, Yufan had been acting differently. Not oddly, per se—or, perhaps, any more odd than he did usually—but not close to normal, either. He’d been friendlier, softer, uncharacteristically gentle towards you. He gave you nothing but encouraging smiles and sure words, it almost made you suspicious. And, God, the way he looked at you… with such tenderness, with affection so unlike him. It made your knees weak in all the best and worst ways.
You narrowed your eyes then, your suspicion finally reaching its boiling point when he gave you another one of those damn smiles. “Okay, what is it with you, these days? You’re all cheesy, and now you’re suddenly asking me if I want to learn hockey from you? What’s wrong? Are you dying, or something?”
He scoffed. “No. I— I just…” Hanging his head, he gave a tiny, adorable sigh. “Can’t a guy ask a pretty girl out?”
“Well, yeah, but— wait, what?”
“You heard me.”
You stared at him. Hard and long. “Yeah, I did. Clear as damn day. What I’m asking is, like— are you sure? Are you sure you have the right girl?”
He tapped his chin, his gaze turning heavenwards as he pretended to think. All the while, he floated closer to you, his warmth entering your sphere. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I do.”
“You… want to take me out,” you said.
“That’s the gist of it, yeah,” he replied.
“Is that allowed?”
He snorted. “What?”
“Like— I don’t know.” You made a vague shape in the air with your free hand, the other coming up to press against your hip, the aching joint throbbing beneath your palm. “I just— I don’t know! You’re asking me out and you’re standing right there and you’re, like, really pretty and you’re making me nervous!”
He frowned. “Sorry,” he apologised, though you could see the faintest hint of a smile creeping through his expression. “I mean, it’s a pretty easy question to answer. Just— say yes or no.”
You glanced at him, and for a moment, caught in his expression the slightest bit of hesitation. That’s when you realised this was as much of a risk for him as it was a surprise for you. And that made deciding just a little bit easier.
“I, um… I’d love to play out hockey with you.” Your eyes widened. “I— What I mean to say is that I’d love to take you out for hockey. Or you— I’d love for you to take me out to play hockey… Jeez! Sorry. I don’t know what happened there.”
That got a laugh out of him, breaking the bright beam he’d worn the entire time you stuttered through your acceptance. “It’s fine. I understood you the first time.”
You smiled breathlessly.
And that was all Yufan needed.
You didn’t play hockey for your first date. Or your second. Or third, or… any of them. In fact, you didn’t even near the ice until you became familiar enough with one another to know your something unnamed had become something quietly expected. Something implied.
He promised to take it slow with you, not only because neither of you had ever been in a relationship before, but because you had so many external engagements that, well, proper dating wasn’t exactly an option just yet. One of these many engagements, of course, was game season.
Out of all the winter sports, ice hockey was reputed as being one of the most invigorating amongst athletes, and once you started going to Yufan’s games, you understood why. The rink was cold, filled to the brim with people sitting in the stands, cheering as the players swept across the ice, blurs of blue and red and black and yellow. The air was alight with the glimmering of ice shavings from how quickly the players raced over the ice, like glitter under the harsh lights.
You sat back in your uncomfortable plastic seat, knees to your chest as you watched with a keen eye what occurred only a few metres below you. Yufan rushed along the ice, no more than a smudge of colour. Yet you spotted him as if it were second nature, eyes catching onto the bright lettering on the back of his jersey. Taipei Polar Bears. Number 16.
Despite having played it a few times, you weren’t one hundred percent sure how ice hockey worked. Or, honestly, even ten percent. Zero would be the closest estimate, in this scenario. Your eyes flicked continuously from the rink to your phone screen, which was open on a Wikipedia page on the rules and play-by-play of ice hockey, for whenever the announcers spewed some nonsense over the intercom like,
“Our local Taipei Polar Bears are far behind at only three points midway, while Les Champions de Marseille stay true to their names and dominate with double that.”
I won’t go too in-depth into what happened in the game, not only because you weren’t a hockey player and therefore had no idea what was going on, but because I, the author, have even less idea of what was going on.
Long story short, things happened, good and bad. Yufan whizzed past other players, stole the puck from them, did everything in his power to stop the other team from scoring. From what you heard, defencemen could have either constant or nonexistent contribution to scoring; Yufan seemed to be somewhere in the middle, switching between offensive and defensive play dependent on what he deemed necessary in that particular moment. All you could do was watch, perhaps with small hearts thumping where your irises would’ve been, perhaps not.
Players pushed each other into the barrier, the audience yelled obscenities, and so went the spirit of ice hockey. For all your lack of knowledge on the game, you could feel that there was an undeniable tension in the air. The team’s captain and Coach Chen seemed to be butting heads every other intermission, while things escalated between the two teams. The French skaters seemed to think significantly less of the Polar Bears, and it was clear in how they spoke of them to the referee. Every now and then they’d skate over to the short, weathered man, and rapid fire what looked to be enraged French when a mistake had been made on the referee’s side. Even the translator didn’t look happy.
If this game had a soundtrack, the song to set the scene playing out in front of you probably would’ve been something off of Verdi’s Requiem. Skaters yelling expletives at one another, pushing each other against the barriers, blood spattering the ice as those with authority tried to keep things civil to no avail. Pucks being chucked from one end of the ice to the other, sticks breaking, skates skidding.
Two of the Polar Bears’ forwards had turned to one another, yelling something about the centre focusing too much on flair and too little on actual play, exchanging curses back and forth in Mandarin and Hokkien. Yufan stood between them, hands braced on both of their chests, holding them apart with growing annoyance. He said something, the words too soft to travel across the ice and through the chaos, but they didn’t let up in their argument, skating away while pointing fingers at one another.
You’d asked Peiling what to expect of a game of ice hockey, and she’d told you to prepare yourself for anything. You wondered how she knew, why her eyes became misty when she said, “All I can tell you from the hockey games I’ve been to…” Regardless of her past with the sport, she was right. You had to prepare yourself for anything. The only downside?
You hadn’t.
You sucked in a sharp breath as the intermission was over, and the game was on again. Something about sitting there in the stands, surrounded by strangers who shared your interest and perhaps misguided passion in ice hockey—it invigorated you. And something about watching Yufan as he rushed across the ice, skating with the finesse of a professional dancer, made your heart thump harder than you thought possible.
After the game, you found Yufan at the entrance of the teams’ locker rooms, sweaty and breathless and starry-eyed like no other. You caught each other’s eyes across the hall, people passing by you in a haze, and you asked a silent question. Shall we? And he nodded without hesitation.
One of your many after-game rituals was going out for hotpot at one of your regular spots. No parents, no friends, no teammates. Just the two of you. It was something that had begun as a way to connect when you started training together, and it had just stuck and stayed strong till now. He sat across from you in the crowded restaurant, fingers deftly clasped around his chopsticks as he ate. He said nothing; you knew he wouldn’t, not for the first few minutes. It always took him a moment to regain his breath, get his brain out of the game and back to you.
“You did well out there,” you spoke into the silence, over the sound of the bubbling soup between you.
He glanced at you, hooded eyes clear in their question, in their understanding. “Even when we lost six-four?”
You shrugged. “I don’t care about any of that. All I care about is how good you did for yourself in the game, and… you did.”
A nod from his side, eyes set in a pensive stare. He’d confided in you before that this particular season had been hard on the team, what with all their consistent losses and all the fights that broke out amongst them. You thought, maybe, that he was in a similar position to you a few months ago. Coming so close to victory, the tips of your fingers brushing a gold trophy, and making it just not far enough.
It affected him; at the very least, his morale when playing. And you, noticing as you did everything, tried to lighten up the mood whenever he started brooding.
“And don’t call me ‘Ice Queen’. It’s stupid.”
Yufan smiled. “Nice to know you see my solo potential in a team sport.” He adjusted his posture, sitting further back in his chair. “What else am I supposed to call you, then? Would you like to be demoted to ‘Ice Princess’?”
You scoffed softly. “I’d just like it if you called me something normal guys called their…” You paused, because your words had, for lack of a better term, utterly failed you. What were you? Were you boyfriend and girlfriend? Were you training buddies who went on dates? Were you too young to try and label whatever romantically-charged relationship you had with a boy who was how many years your senior?
He quirked a brow. “…Girlfriend?” he wondered gently, doing nothing to hide his amusement at your hesitation. “You seem like you’d be my girlfriend by now.”
You tilted your head. “Oh, yeah?”
“Uh-huh. I don’t go on dates with just anyone.”
You pretended to give the statement an ounce of thought, when in reality, you’d be thinking about those nine words for years to come. “Well, then, what would you call your girlfriend?”
He mimicked your expression, cocking his head to the side as if in thought. “Lots of things. Pretty girl, for one. Babe. Stupid… Ice Queen.”
“No fair! You’re not allowed to reuse shit ones just ‘cause you think it’s funny to make me mad!”
He laughed this time, loud and true, the sound bursting through the thick air that hung between you. It was a nice thing to hear; a rare thing to witness. Chao Yufan was not someone who laughed easily—he was too serious for that. Or so he would like to have you believe. You knew, though. You felt it. There was something in you that told you he was happier than he let on.
You didn’t know then not to trust that fickle, unreliable something.
Yufan was three things when he was in love.
First, he was gentle. All soft smiles and laughs you could barely hear over the chatter of whatever place you’d found yourselves in. He placed loving hands on your face when he squeezed your cheeks between his fingers, murmuring something about how you looked like a flower, in that voice reserved for you, and only you.
He still teased you, of course. That seemed to be something he would never be able to let up. His childishness; his mischievous nature. It was unrelenting in its intensity and recurrence, neverending tongue-in-cheek comments meant anywhere between endearing and straight up mocking.
One afternoon, you’d been sitting together on the pavement outside his family home, arms tucked under your legs as you waited for either one of you to gain the confidence to say it was time for you to go home. Time for you to part, time for you to say goodbye, to say, “Until next time.”
The sun had already begun to set, sunk below the high rises and apartment buildings dotting the city, yet the air was alight with activity, with sound, with sights. It was as if Taipei itself was telling you, Not yet. Taunting, Look, I’m still awake. What reason is there for you to leave now?
Yufan looked at you, if he hadn’t already been looking. You sat next to him, eyes fixed on something in front of you, something he couldn’t see, bathed in the glow of the setting sun. Hues of purple and pink and orange and red covered the patchy, imperfect surface of your skin, your silver jewellery glinting like stars next to your full cheeks. You were so pretty, like something straight out of an old film. That, he decided, was a face worth pining for. And he did, quietly, whenever you weren’t looking, weren’t listening as intently as you always did. Weren’t ready to ruin the moment with your stupid humour, your unnecessary little quips.
Like now, when you noticed him staring, and a wide, shit-eating grin spread across your plump lips. “What’re you looking at?” you asked, accent exaggerated like those cute girls in dramas from the Mainland.
He rolled his eyes, because he’d been caught out. Again. Said, “Not you, that’s for sure,” because he had no other appropriate response. Because he was a teenager who wasn’t used to the feelings swirling in his heart at that moment, and being cruel is easier than being honest.
You stuck your tongue out at him, blowing a raspberry while your eyes screwed shut. “Boo, you ass.”
He mimicked your expression, giving you a light shove with his weaker hand. The one that wouldn’t be able to pack as much of a punch as it usually would’ve, because he’d hurt it trying to show you a cool trick with his hockey stick earlier. “You’re so much prettier when you shut that big mouth of yours.”
And you smiled, because you knew, or you thought, beneath all those layers of defensiveness and snippy jokes, Yufan really did like you. After all, what else would he keep you around for?
Second, he was reverent. Not a day went by where he didn’t admire your skill, or your tact, or your beauty, or that little scar you had on your cheek from when you fell on your face as a toddler, and didn’t make it completely obvious to everyone around him. As a rising star in the sports world, he was meant to keep his personal life secret, yet when it came to you, he couldn’t be bothered to hide what people insisted needed to be hidden.
Whenever you completed a trick, a well-placed Axel or something close to it, he’d skate over to you with his mouth hanging open in exaggerated awe; whenever you were walking next to him and he got a glimpse of you standing in a certain light, the shadows and contours of your body displayed just right; whenever you helped him with his stupid twelfth grade homework, explained functions to him like you were the older one—scenes and moments where all he could really do was lean back, drink you in, and say, “You’re amazing.”
Like when he tried to teach you how to play hockey on ice, and you skated circles around him. Granted, he was going easier on you than he would normal beginners, but you still played like you’d been in the game longer than him.
The rink was dark, only the harsh glow from the overhead lights rendering you sight. Music drifted from the speakers, something you’d picked out, or perhaps something you’d forced Yufan to listen to that he just got used to and started loving the way he loved you. Steadily, patiently, neverendingly. You swept past him, holding his stick—his newest one, the one that he hadn’t had to tape back together for this game, like the one he was playing with—in your hands as you dealt with the puck, shuffling it over the icy surface beneath your feet with grace, speed that he assumed came from your many years of training.
“Aaannnddd here she comes, the Polar Bears’ newest addition, sweeping the opposition off their feet with her mad skills!” you narrated, head down, trained on the puck. “She crosses over the, uh… the blue line, and passes by the opposing team’s very handsome defencemen before she comes to the goal to shoot—” you reared your stick back, the flat coming down to strike the puck straight into the open, unattended goal— “and score!”
Yufan watched as you skated around the rink, pumping your fists in the air and whisper-shouting praises to yourself, playing as the crowd, with sound effects and all. If, like the cartoons, there could’ve been hearts in his eyes, there would’ve been. “You’re doing so well, pretty girl,” he praised. “You’re basically a pro already.”
“I know that’s right,” you gloated, trying—and failing—to do a dorky little victory dance that made you look incredibly stupid. Really, genuinely like an idiot.
And Yufan loved every second of it.
Third, he was kind. Not just to you, or to his friends, but to everyone he felt, and even didn’t feel, deserved it. His family—the Chaos—were all kind, inviting people, enough so that you could pinpoint exactly where Yufan had gotten in from. Kind, in the sense that they were accepting of you, their son’s very different, very eccentric girlfriend. Kind, in the sense that they treated you as though you were one of their own, already married into the family. Kind, in the sense that it made your heart ache to wonder why such a family, such a boy, would ever have to struggle.
He introduced you to his family shortly after officially asking you to be his girlfriend. It was rather in order for him to, given the fact that you’d nearly crossed paths with them at the games of his you’d gone to. Your first meeting had been unexpected, because they’d anticipated for him to bring home a local girl, born and bred in Taipei with her own traditions and opinions to counter their own. What they hadn’t expected was you, just as local, with just as many traditions, but something that bound you to them in a way no one else would truly understand. Your bond, of foreigners who’d found their home, who’d lived their lives in it, yet felt like outsiders, felt like they had more to prove than was truly necessary.
Yufan was a lot like his mom, you realised one night, the first night he’d invited you over for dinner at his house. It was a small, cozy place, really only enough for three people, the architecture reminiscent of old-school Japanese homes with their sliding doors and cool wooden floors. You all sat around the dinner table, plates stacked up with all the different delights Yufan’s parents had made in preparation for your arrival—from his father’s side, dishes like beef brisket noodles, and his mother’s side, dishes like tom yum soup, and her famed pad kee mao.
She was Thai, you’d been told, and spoke with the sweetest accent curling around her words. Don’t be mistaken, she spoke rapid fire Mandarin while conversing with her husband, but there was something undeniably gentle, perhaps hesitant about the way she spoke, the way she enunciated. You wondered if you sounded like that to other people. She insisted that you just call her Mama, because, in her words, “Yufan probably won’t bring home another girl since we already like you so much.” However the comment terrified you, it was just as flattering.
Your boyfriend and his mother shared a sense of humour, loud and obvious where his father preferred to stay silent, and smile in gentle amusement. They spoke a lot—really, you thought that maybe you got in five or so words that night—and never ran out of things to comment on. It was like watching a real-life variety show.
They also shared a temperament, it seemed, their patience something fickle and short that could run out at any moment, and their gentleness neverending, not even when their partners were annoying the living daylights of them. The kind of temperament that had him flicking your temple after you’d said something stupid, that had his mother chiding her husband for his attitude. The kind of temperament that made him help you up from your seat and open doors for you, that had his mother taking her husband’s dishes and calling him handsome out of nowhere. The kind of temperament that made her expose his deepest secrets to you while priding himself on doing the same to you.
“You know, darling,” Mama began, turning to face you, “Yufan told us all about you before you even started dating.”
Your boyfriend’s face dropped, fell slack in shock. Conversely, a smile crept its way onto your face, and you looked at Mama Chao with newfound interest. “Oh, really?” you prompted, wanting nothing than to hear more about it.
She nodded sweetly, though you could see that familiar glimmer of mischief in her eyes, the one you so often saw in Yufan’s. “Oh, yes. I think it was in December, wasn’t it? that he came home with stories about you. I could imagine that he’s been rather taken with you since then.”
Yufan tried, “I wouldn’t exactly say—”
“I would,” his father spoke up, the first thing he’d said in ages. “I could see it in your eyes.”
Yufan, like his family, was kind in love, but incredibly, unrelentingly teasing all the same.
Once the new year rolled around, it was far more difficult to follow Shihan’s well-meaning advice and have fun. Not only because you had newfound obligations to your family, but because you had old obligations to your passion, old obligations that you’d put on the back burner since deciding that having fun was more important than committing to something that had cost your parents a fortune to finance.
Practice would need to become an even more regular feature in your daily life than it already had been. That meant no more cram school, and no more joint training sessions with Yufan. You’d have to commit, mind, body, and soul to this sport, to figure skating, or you’d have lost your window for everything. You’d go to competitions, and dominate as you had before, and that left little to no space for a social life.
When you first told him this, he was disappointed. Predictably so, because no teen boy liked having to spend less time with their girlfriend, especially one as dedicated to you as Yufan was. He didn’t talk to you for a few days following the announcement, but you didn’t really have time to coddle him into forgiving you. It was a harsh thought, but if Yufan wanted to end everything you had over something like this, he could go ahead and do it. You didn’t have time to stop him.
You went on a training camp in China without so much as a goodbye to him while he, similarly, travelled to Hong Kong with his team without looking back. After all, you had more important commitments now. Did this mean you wanted to break up? No. But if he was going to be a child about it, there was no need for you to be your usual understanding self (which has been hiding where, exactly?) and try to make amends.
You lasted precisely five days before you caved and called him. It had been a particularly rough day, with yours and the other skaters’ coaches having been unforgiving in their routines; you’d been up hellish heights in roller skates, done laps upon laps around the facility’s rink, and been pushed onto the ice in soccer cleats for whatever nonsense reason they could give you, probably something to do with strengthening your balance on the ice. Tensions had run high between the local and Taiwanese skaters, with you and your peers choosing to spend your evening hiding away in your shared dorms while the locals went and played a game of hockey in the rink… which was what led you to think of Yufan, and be unable to stop thinking of him until the next thing you knew, you were dialling his number and staring at your own reflection in the outgoing video call.
Yufan lasted approximately five seconds before he caved and answered your call. Like you, he’d been sentenced to two weeks of training hell, the likes of which were incomparable to even the worst torture anyone could survive. Mostly because he didn’t survive; not really, not when every one of his limbs ached and his joints screamed whenever he moved too quickly.
His face appeared on your screen like a blessing from the heavens, and all you could do was stare into his dark brown eyes too embarrassed to say anything. His hair had gotten a bit longer since you’d last seen him, his face a bit more mature. Oh, who were you kidding? He looked exactly the same, you were just being dramatic again. He was still your Yufan, all smooth, tanned skin, and plump, pink lips that you desperately wished you’d could kiss.
When you looked deep into his eyes, looked past the droopy, hooded lids, and the feigned indifference, you could see the same embarrassment you felt. But he still spoke first. “Hi, pretty girl.”
The sound of his voice, light and airy like you hadn’t heard in nearly a week, would’ve made your knees buckle if you hadn’t been sitting cross-legged on your bed, lifted a weight you hadn’t realised was resting on your shoulders until it dissipated. Like tension resolved without words. Like wounds eased with the wind. He still liked you. He still called you his pretty girl. He didn’t hate you.
“Hi, Yufan,” you said. Stupid, stupid you. Could you not come up with something better than that? ‘Hi’?! “How… how’s the training camp been?”
He nodded imperceptibly. “Fine. Or, well— no. Not fine. I hurt myself pretty bad during a scrimmage a while ago. But it’s whatever,” he dismissed. You noticed a bruise on his neck, and on his shoulder, where his loose sleeping shirt exposed the skin. “How’s it been in China?”
“Oh.” You gave him a meek shrug. “Not too bad. There are, um… some political tensions rising, but that’s about it.”
He managed a snicker. “Oh, yeah? The coaches fighting about the same old stuff?”
“Yep.” You smiled softly. Yufan thought you looked really pretty when you did that.
“…I saw you guys at the airport before we left,” he told you, ducking his head to avoid your gaze. His nose scrunched, and he added, “I wanted to say goodbye to you.”
Your face fell. “Oh. I’m— you could’ve, if you really wanted to. I would’ve let you.”
“No, it’s fine,” he assured you. “You needed your time to cool off. It just reminded me a little why I hate airports.”
“You do?” Still?
“Yeah.”
This was a conversation you’d had before, the feeling airports gave you. It first came up while you were laying together on the floor of your bedroom, staring at the glow in the dark stars pressed into the ceiling. You loved airports, because it meant you got to go somewhere new. Got to explore, got to see new places and learn new things. Yufan hated them, because,
“It reminds me that the people I love are leaving,” he said. “That… that I won’t be able to see them until they come back. Like my mom, when she goes to visit family in Thailand and I can’t come along. My dad, when he goes to Hong Kong for business and doesn’t come back for a month.” He paused, then, “Like you, when you go to Beijing or Seoul for competitions and I’m not sure when I’ll see you next.”
You sighed, the action more of a sad, rueful exhale. “Oh, Yufan…”
Another pause. Yufan looked into his phone camera, eyes on you still. You couldn’t detect any malice in his stare. Then, why would there be any? “Listen, pretty… I’m sorry about last week,” his soft voice came over the speaker. “About how I acted. That— it was stupid. I shouldn’t have behaved like that. It’s… your career is important. More important than I am.”
You frowned, your brow creasing as your heart ached. You were young, too young to be having these sorts of conversations. Too young to be talking of careers, of your importance in each other’s lives. You both understood that there was nothing to be done about it, but just for a moment, you had the fleeting thought that it wasn’t fair.
Fair. What an odd word to use, to try and define. Nothing was fair. Ever.
“That’s not true,” you said, “and you know it. I’ll always have time for you.” You wouldn’t. “If I don’t, I’ll make time.” Wrong again.
He smiled gently. “It’s alright, stupid.” It wasn’t. “I know why you need to focus more these days. I can wait.” He couldn’t. “Or, maybe… I could help you out a little?” When you raised a sceptical brow, he eagerly continued, “We don’t do cross-training anymore, which I get, but what if I help you with your routines, and stuff? I could help you practice choreography, and you wouldn’t need to do everything alone. I— the hockey season’s quieting down, anyway, so I’ll have plenty of free time.”
You paused. “You wouldn’t mind doing that for me?”
He rolled his eyes. “Baby, do I ever?”
You found yourself smiling, uncontrollable only in the fact that you physically couldn’t help reacting to his words the way you did. Couldn’t help accepting his proposal, missing the way the light in his eyes dimmed with every word, missing the way his smile seemed pained where yours wasn’t. Missing the way he looked at you, like you were something he’d already lost.
There were many technicalities that came with being a foreign athlete in Taiwan. There were many technicalities that came with being a foreign athlete anywhere, you were sure, but Taiwan was heart-piercingly clear in how it viewed non-natives. Though you could compete on an international scale, you were given a specific category to perform in. You didn’t represent Taiwan. You represented foreigners in Taiwan.
Which, considering the fact that you’d lived there for more than half of your life, considering the fact that you were a Taiwanese citizen, hurt. Especially considering the fact that there was little separating you from your local, same-aged peers besides a name that sounded a bit different, proportions that didn’t fit with what society deemed as appropriate for young girls your age.
It put you at odds with your friends, your fellow athletes; everyone you knew who trained the same way you did, did the same routines, faced the same struggles, but who could confidently say they represented their home country. Could you even say you had one, really, when you felt your birthplace was not yours to claim, and your home country separated you from its locals?
The Taiwan Figure Skating Championships were an annual competition that gathered several up and coming figure skaters to choose the lucky athlete that would represent Taiwan at the World Championships, and other such international competitions. It was an honour to any skater who entered to even make the top three, but that wasn’t what you were aiming for.
You’d entered your name with an intention, not hidden or concealed in any way. You’d filled out the application with confidence, confidence that they’d look at your portfolio, your history, your skill set, and consider you as one of the few options that would be able to compete.
You’d sat at your desk at home, finger hovering over the email you’d received in the hours after you returned from cram school, filled with anticipation and fear and impending regret as you contemplated the results to come.
Did you even open the email? Did you brace yourself, for equal parts victory and failure, or did you just throw your hat in and leave it unopened, convinced you didn’t deserve a spot, anyway?
I mean, think about it this way. You’d been training for Nationals before registrations had even opened. Even before you’d met Yufan in Beijing all those months ago, you’d already choreographed and practiced both your short program and free skate. You’d spent all your time in the off-season following the previous Championships training, and exercising, and choreographing, and slaving away in that dark, lonely rink. All that time would, if you didn’t open the email and face your fate, be wasted.
But all that time would also, if you hadn’t been accepted, be wasted, anyway. So, how exactly were you supposed to choose what to do next?
It seemed you didn’t need to, because one of your parents would. You’d been sitting at your desk, your mother and your stepfather, Chihming, crouching anxiously behind you. Shihan and Peiling were waiting for you over the phone, and Yufan had already sent you his own words of encouragement.
雨 you’re going to do great, pretty girl
i just know it
After five minutes of you deliberating, procrastinating, prolonging—every word that could describe you doing everything in your power to avoid opening the email, the pressure seemed to become too much for Chihming, so he reached forward and took over. Predictably, chaos erupted. Your mother yelled for him to back off, while Peiling and Shihan screamed confused obscenities at the ruckus, and all you could do was smack a hand over your eyes so you wouldn’t have to face the inevitable rejection.
Silence. Then, Chihming tapped you on the shoulder. With great reluctance, you opened your fingers just that little bit to read the opening lines.
Dear athlete, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to compete at the—
“Holy crap!” you exclaimed, your voice rising impossibly high.
Your mother, bless her soul, frowned in confusion. “What?”
Chihming pointed frantically at the screen. “Look!”
She deadpanned. “I can’t read that, peh bak.”
“Neither can we!” Peiling and Shihan chimed in.
“I got in,” you said quickly. Then, jumping up from your seat, effectively clearing the space as your mother and stepfather took a careful step back, “I got in! Oh, my GOD, I got in! I’m competing at Nationals! I’m gonna be a star!”
And that’s where things went south.
Yufan was someone who was used to pretending that everything was fine when his life was falling apart. Perhaps it was an unfortunate side effect that came with being an only child to immigrants, always putting on a brave face for your parents in times of trouble, which later became putting on a brave face in front of friends, other family members, teammates, and eventually, your neurotic girlfriend.
You’d been going at it for hours by the time he arrived at the rink to help you, just like he’d promised he would. You, however, were not supposed to have been busy when he came, and yet here you were, spent and not looking like you were going to give up whatever you were trying to perfect very soon. It was something he noticed when you trained together; your obsession with perfection, almost comparable to his.
Your approaches differed in two main ways. Where Yufan became unhealthily devoted to whichever task he’d set out to do, you threw yourself into the process blind, unsure of whether you’d emerge in one piece. Where he was cold and calculated, you were hot and reckless, not stopping until your limbs trembled and you couldn’t see straight. Both of you felt things intensely, but there was something about the way your emotions took hold of you, kept you in a vice, that Yufan couldn’t imagine feeling like that, ever.
From what he’d seen, though, it was your approach that got you places. Your sheer dedication not to routine, but to repetition was something to behold. If you couldn’t do something, you’d do it over and over and over again until the soles of your skates were stained with blood and you had no choice but to take a step back. Between the two of you, you were the one who consistently placed first in your competitions, you were the one who was on her way to Nationals. You weren’t the one who was tied to a shitty team and an even shittier self worth hiding behind layers of sarcasm and feigned charm. You were yourself, through and through.
And he wouldn’t be lying if he said he was a little jealous of it. Of you. Not in a predatory, competitive sense, in a way that meant he wanted exactly what you had, felt entitled to it. No, rather, in a way that had him wishing he had your confidence, your self-assurance in your skill. He didn’t have that, and it showed in his games.
Which is where the saving face came in. He’d come straight from a gruelling practice that had ended in Coach Chen asking him an impossible question, weathered face contorted with something like hopeless rage. Do you even want to be here? When you play like that, who could be able to tell that you’re passionate about all of this, and not just wasting our time?
But that didn’t matter. Not now, anyway, when he had you in front of him. You, his wonderful girlfriend, who was not afraid to get snippy with him, who hugged him whenever he got off the ice after a game, who said he was doing just fine for himself, and that that was all you really cared about. You, his talented girlfriend, who was on her way to Nationals, World Championships, and who knows what else, who was better than he was in any regard, who was leaving him behind in Taiwan to become an international star. Who deserved nothing less from the world.
You didn’t notice him at first, and he wasn’t surprised, with how lost you were in your own dark little world. Music blasted from the speakers—probably something from that one English indie band you never stopped talking about. Peiling was sitting in the stands, eyes narrowed as if in disapproval. Yufan knew her to be quite the strict coach; perhaps not as bad as Coach Chen, but certainly a nightmare in her own right. In her hands she held a clipboard, and when Yufan sat down next to her to pull on his skates, she angled it away from him. Not that he was planning on looking, but now that she’d hidden it, he felt his suspicion growing.
He knew she didn’t like him—for whatever reason, he wasn’t too sure. Maybe she didn’t like hockey players. Actually, now that he thought of it, remembered how she and Coach Chen had beheld one another with more scepticism than was necessary when they first met, that seemed to be the exact case.
She didn’t greet him, rather opening the conversation with, “You’re here to help again, I assume.”
The sound of your skates sliding against the ice drifted through the air. “I am,” he confirmed.
She hummed, clearly still unhappy.
Yufan pulled his laces tighter, extending his leg further from him to get the most out of it. He said, without looking her in the eye, “Something tells me you don’t like me, shifu. Why?”
She tsked, almost as if she didn’t want to respond. Then, “Hockey men are bad luck for my girls. My first student had a boyfriend just like you, and he almost ruined her career.”
Well, that was one reference point, the audience might be thinking. Right? That hypothesis is totally flawed. “Trust me, I want nothing more than to help,” he said earnestly, because it was the truth. He wanted you to succeed, and if he could make your path to destiny more bearable, why wouldn’t he?
“Hmph.” She glanced at him, through the corner of her eye. “We’ll see about that.” Before he could retort, or dig himself deeper into the hole she’d made for him, a sharp sound echoed from inside the rink, the sound of skin and bone thumping against the ice. Peiling turned, eyes narrowing as she rushed to the barrier, shouting, “What happened? What did you do now?”
“Nothing,” you wheezed, holding up a hand to signal that you were alright. “Just a triple toe loop gone wrong.”
Yufan shook his head in mild amusement, opening up the barrier door and getting onto the ice after following after your coach, skating over to where you’d fallen to help you up. “You alright?” he asked, glancing at you with badly disguised concern. “That looked pretty bad.”
“It’s fine,” you assured him, squeezing your hip—where he’d assumed you’d fallen. “I’ll probably just have some bruising; it’s nothing that’ll keep me from practicing. Speaking of…”
And so, the rest of his afternoon was lost to your training. You went over your programs, the moves you’d planned, the music you’d picked out. For your short program, you were planning on a triple flip and toeloop, a double Axel, fly camel spin, triple Lutz, change combo spin, step sequence, and a layback spin, all to On the hills of Manchuria. You flowed through the practice session easily, moving through the routine, through the music, as if it were second nature.
Your free skate was a different monster. Triple Lutz, triple loop, triple toeloop, and double Axel that transitioned into a quadruple fly camel spin, a choreography sequence that made way for another double Axel, single Euler, and triple flip. Again, triple Lutz, double toeloop, triple flip, quadruple layback spin, and at the swell of the music, a quadruple Salchow. You’d finish with a triple step sequence, and a quadruple change combo spin, to none other than a shortened version of Tchaikovsky’s The Sleeping Beauty’s Valse.
Only two other female figure skaters in the history of the sport had ever attempted a quad Salchow—while the jump on its own was one of the easier ones, completing it in four rotations was virtually unheard of. For you to attempt it at your age… It was a high-risk, high-reward move. You’d been practicing it since you were introduced to quads, you’d told him, though there was something about the Salchow, some sort of mental or physical block, that had made it nearly impossible for you to complete twice in a row.
You went through the motions of your free skate, Yufan keeping a reasonable distance behind you as you circled the ice. “Tell me if you need me,” he’d told you, though he knew you didn’t. “Just look back, and I’ll be there.”
You got all the way through the first half without a hitch; after your closing move, you landed on your left foot, rushing backwards with your arms spread, body swaying to the music as if you were dancing. Yufan watched as you bowed, lifted yourself up in one languid movement, gliding across the ice in one consuming sweep. You turned, readying yourself for the triple Lutz; as you spun through the air, thinking of your next move, Yufan found himself entranced with the way you landed and swept yourself straight into it, placing the pick of your skate behind the other, vaulting yourself into the air. You wheeled around, legs moving back and forth over the smooth surface beneath you, before twisting to launch yourself into a triple flip, sweeping your leg out from behind you and spinning like a top, your hands coming up from behind you, above you, around you, moving in time to the up and down of the string instruments; the jaunty tune playing perfectly to your ministrations.
For a moment you didn’t look like a girl who had too many ear piercings or an attitude; you looked like a proper lady, who spoke clearly and gently. It was odd, seeing that part of your personality, even though Yufan knew it was there. The music only added to your grace, to your impossible elegance. The violins and piccolos all layered over one another… it felt like falling in love.
That was when you stumbled, just as you were about to take off, your arms braced around your front and all. You cursed as you landed oddly, skidding to a halt at the edge of the rink. Yufan followed soon after, stopping a few metres behind you, waiting for you to say something.
You took a moment to regain your composure, before you turned to the barrier, where Peiling had been observing your practice with a stony face. You gave her a thumbs up, silver rings glimmering in the harsh rink light, and said, “I’ll try again!”
And, boy, did you try. And try, and try, and try, until the sun had set and there was no way within human limits that you were not exhausted yet. The music did not stop, not Tchaikovsky, nor Ilya Shatrov, and neither did you. It got to the point where you’d done so many loops, so many spins, that Yufan was beginning to get nauseous on your behalf. When you dared to try and practice your quad Salchow a fourth time, and doing so by starting your routine from the very top, Yufan skated towards you, laying gentle, sure hands on your shoulders, and looking into your eyes with the intensity of a man who wanted to be in bed yesterday.
“Pretty girl,” he said, voice hushed from exhaustion. “Babe. Baby. Ice Queen. Please… no more.”
You exhaled, struggling to catch your breath. Still, you didn’t seem to catch on to the signals your own body was sending your way. “You can go home if you’d like, Yu. I didn’t expect you to stay all the way through for all of my practices.”
He chuckled breathlessly, because who were you to be so disgustingly devoted to your work? “That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the fact that we have been here for hours, and that, I’m sure, your feet are going to start bleeding if you don’t go home in the next thirty seconds.”
You hesitated, eyes flicking to the ground. “But… I feel like I could practice my Salchow more.”
He raised a brow. “How long has it been part of your routine?”
“Since I was introduced to quads,” you answered immediately, the words sending you into inspirational autopilot.
“Right. And you’ve been practicing it for just as long. So, what I’m trying to say is,” he added, because he noticed you wanting to protest yet again, “you’ve got this.”
“What if I don’t?” you asked. “What if I try it, and I fail?” Your eyes widened, pupils shaking as more questions piled into your mind. “What if I fall in front of all of those judges, and I have to go into early retirement from the embarrassment? Wh— what if I make a complete fool of myself in front of the whole panel of judges?” You huffed, growing agitated in the face of his silence. “Why aren’t you saying anything? Yu—”
“You’re a talented girl,” Yufan interrupted firmly, giving your shoulders a little shake. “I know that. You know that. Everyone knows that. But what you need to realise is that whether or not you succeed, whether or not you become the star you want to be, is completely up to you. And you know what you’re doing.”
There was something about you, standing in front of him, full cheeks and dreamy eyes, that made his heart hurt. That made him wonder where all his talent, all his tact had gone. He’d been on top of the world when he met you, and since then, he’d just been going backwards. You, however, did the opposite. You’d been placing second and winning silver when you met him, and since meeting him, you’d been invited to prestigious events, been on training camps out of the country, gone further than he ever would.
It wasn’t fair. That you had the ability to work as hard as you did, but once Yufan reached a certain point, his body simply refused to cooperate. Why couldn’t he be pushed to your extremes, the kind that kept your posture upright, that kept your body fit, that kept your mind sharp? Why couldn’t he be more like you?
“Thanks, Yufan, but will all due respect, I think I know my abilities better than you do,” you murmured, taking a step back from him.
Okay. What the fuck? “All I said was that you know what you’re doing,” he pointed out lightly. “Wouldn’t you agree?”
You didn’t take it as lightly as he presented it. “My technique has been slipping for the past week, so, no, I wouldn’t. I’ve still got a lot of headway to make, and your patronising comments aren’t helping in the least.”
“I’m not trying to be patronising,” he laughed, in growing disbelief.
“Oh, really? Whether or not I succeed is completely up to me? I already know that, genius, and you saying anything about it isn’t going to help me become a better skater,” you snapped.
Yufan could see in your eyes that you were tired. That’s why you were being like this. Difficult. Yet still, he bothered to respond like you were in your right mind, “I’m just lifting you up a little, babe. It’s not a big deal. You should be more confident in yourself. A quad Salchow should be nothing to you.”
That was not the right thing to say.
“Nothing?” you spat. “Only two women in the history of figure skating have executed it in competition, and it should be nothing for me?”
He tried, “That’s not what I meant—”
“How could you know what you’re talking about?! You’re a hockey player, Yufan. We’re not on the same level.”
Silence. He took a step back, face hardening with something like anger. A deep, shuddering breath escaped his lips, and when he looked up at you, his jaw twitched. “You don’t mean that,” he tried lowly.
You stubbornly stood your ground. “Don’t I?”
He didn’t want to believe you did, no. Not when he’d spent so much time with you by his side, helping him, teasing him, loving him. How heartbroken was he supposed to be if it turned out to be the truth? If the girl he’d unknowingly idolised for so long didn’t even respect him enough to hear him out on something he was so sure of?
Then again, why would he have to compromise himself for you when you’d shown time and time again you wouldn’t ever do the same for him. Why waste that time? Why take that risk? He chuckled, the sound dark and brittle, shrugging. “I don’t need this,” he announced. “You don’t want me here? I’ll leave. I’ll leave you to roll in self-pity, because you seem to like your own company a hell of a lot more than mine.”
You froze. For a moment, he could imagine traces of disappointment in your features. But just like the seasons, just like your love, it was gone as soon as it had come. “Door’s that way,” you chirped, indicating the exit.
“Right,” he said. And then he was gone. You were alone all over again.
As you watched him leave, something in your gut told you to take off your skates and run after him. Fix things, tell him you were sorry about what you said. You didn’t think he was stupid, or worth less just because he played a different sport. Why would you even say something like that? There were a million reasons, none of them good enough for Yufan. It wasn’t the heat of the moment; it wasn’t stress, or fatigue, or fear. It was nothing more than your own selfishness, your own ill temper.
You sighed, shoulders sagging as you reluctantly threw in the towel and called it a night, skating to the edge of the barrier and opening up the short swing door, climbing off the ice with wobbly legs.
THAT SAME NIGHT
The locker room was, from what you could see after practice, deserted. Peiling hadn’t been in the stands for a while, though when you’d jogged outside the check if she’d gone home for the night, you came face to face with her beat up Prius in the parking lot; she was probably still in the rink somewhere, out of the sight from you, doing her odd coach things.
You strode back inside and to the locker rooms, tugging at the next of your top, which had begun to feel far too tight near the end of training. You approached the door, which was open only a crack, stopping once you heard voices, the sound of shoes pacing around the room. It sounded like someone, a woman and a man, talking over the phone.
“I don’t understand what you mean by that,” the woman said, disbelief staining her words. Your blood ran cold when you recognised Peiling’s voice. “She qualified just like everyone else.”
“But the board are looking to review her qualifications,” the man replied calmly. He sounded old, perhaps your grandparents’ age, or a bit younger, if you had to think about it. “We’ve considered that perhaps some of her competition points could be below the standard for skaters of her… her origin.”
“I cannot believe my ears. You are insinuating that because she is a foreigner, she cannot represent Taiwan, when all of our country’s biggest stars in this sport were born overseas?!”
“That is a different case altogether—”
“No, it is not. I built her up from nothing. I made her the skater that qualified, and I say she’s just as good as anyone else in her position, if not better, because she has to deal with old-fashioned folks like you constantly bringing her down. She deserves just as much as anyone else to represent her home country.”
“Not when the topic of foreign representatives has already stirred up controversy and feelings of inferiority in local skaters.”
A beat. Then, “She’s going to compete at Nationals, whether you like it or not. Got it? I didn’t waste ten years of my life on this girl for you to tell me she can’t perform.”
What a nice thing to hear from your coach.
You woke up on the morning of Nationals with a knot in your stomach. Everything felt off, from the moment you stepped out of bed and onto a floor that was too cold to bear, to the moment your parents drove you to the rink, and you met Peiling at the entrance, the sun looking wrong in the sky; its rays too pale, its heat too sparse.
In all regards, you looked ready. You were dressed in your costume—a glittering black ensemble that spoke of maturity and grace you didn’t feel you possessed, hair neat and completely out of the way. There was not a rip or a draw in your stockings, the blades of your skates shimmered as you hoisted them up to show to her, but nothing felt right.
Peiling grasped your shoulders, looking into your eyes with nothing but pride swimming in hers. Pride, and expectation. The neverending, unrelenting expectation of someone who had waged all their money, time, and dignity on a young girl with a dream. How cruel of her to believe in you.
Your parents made their way to the stands, but not without your mother crouching down to press a kiss to your forehead, Chihming giving you a gentle pat on the back, their actions speaking louder than words ever would. Good luck, their smiles seemed to say. We believe in you. You’re going to do great. Don’t mess this up. Please don’t mess this up. Shihan had texted you earlier that she’d already saved seats for your parents and for Yufan, right next to where she’d booked her seat, proclaiming having gotten the best view of the rink. Their eyes would be on you the whole time, she boasted. They’d get to see everything.
The locker room was eerily quiet, and at the very same time, a cacophony played over and over in your ears. Something mechanical—a fan, or a massage gun—buzzed to the right of you; someone knocked their skate guards against the floor as the hard plastic slipped out of their hands; someone was talking over the phone; someone else was praying. And you sat on your designated bench, your shaking legs braced in front of you.
Yufan hadn’t spoken to you all morning, save for the minimal texts you’d exchanged when talking about his and his parents’ seating arrangements. He’d barely even spoken to you since your last training session, since you’d stormed out on him and told him that he didn’t know what he was talking about. Just thinking about it made your insides churn. You were wrong for that. So, so wrong. You’d agreed, however, before all of that had happened, to meet each other, just for a moment, in the locker room, long before you were due to start. You hadn’t spoken of a time—you’d just told him that he could come whenever he wanted to. You felt now like you shouldn’t have told him to come at all.
You didn’t hear the door open, and only when a pair of familiar sneakers came into view did you realise that Yufan was already there. No avoiding him now. You looked up at him, eyes settling on his face—pretty, angered, worried—and stood up. He didn’t greet you; he knew he didn’t need to. You’d say all you needed to say right now, as you stood in front of him, if you were brave enough.
“I hope you and your parents didn’t have any problems finding your seats,” you began. He simply nodded. Somewhere in the far corners of the room, you could hear Peiling speaking with one of the other skaters’ coaches.
“She deserves just as much as anyone else to represent her home country.”
Yufan looked at you—really looked at you, attention as unwavering as his affection had been. “We didn’t,” he said. He paused then, though a silent question hung in the air. Why am I even here? Good question. Why was he even there? When you’d already told him that he didn’t know what he was doing, that he wouldn’t be useful to you going forward? If you wouldn’t, he’d bite. “Is there something you need to tell me?”
“Not when the topic of foreign representatives has already stirred up controversy and feelings of inferiority in local skaters.”
If you were brave enough, you could tell him. Tell him exactly what was on your mind. If you were brave enough. If only you were brave enough. “I’m thinking of cutting the quadruple Salchow from my routine.”
You’d wondered what his reaction would be to that in the days leading up to the competition. Would he be disappointed? Would he sigh to himself and say he’d expected you to chicken out? Would he be relieved? Would he say he was hoping that you would because of how dangerous it was, given the fact that you’d only accomplished it a handful of times? Would he be indifferent? Would he act normally and say what you did in your routine was your business, he was merely a spectator? Nothing you thought could’ve prepared you for the real thing.
“What do you mean?” he asked, brow furrowing in genuine confusion. “Wh— what do you mean you’re dropping it?”
“Well, I figured that since I’d only actually executed it a few times, I shouldn’t necessarily take the risk of trying it right now,” you explained. “I rather wouldn’t do it than do it badly.”
“You can’t do it badly, though,” he pointed out. “You’ve practiced it enough times to be able to do it right.”
“Okay, I’m just not confident enough just yet,” you replied, words quick. “I don’t want to take that risk.”
“How can you not be confident enough when you’ve been practicing this routine for years?” he asked, and the words came out harder than he’d meant for them to. Or maybe they landed just as he’d intended. “This sport is all about risks.”
You paused. “Figure skating isn’t the same as hockey, Yufan. I can’t just get onto the ice and do as I please. I need to be fully assured that I’m capable—”
“The thing is, you are,” he interrupted, “and you’re being ridiculous by suggesting that you aren’t.”
“Don’t interrupt me,” you said sternly. “Losing confidence is normal in this sport, okay? I’m not like you.”
He narrowed his eyes, mouth set in a thin line of question. “You know what? I’m not even going to ask you to expand on that disgustingly elitist comment, because I’m more concerned with the fact that, all of a sudden, you can’t do what you’ve been doing for the past ten years.”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” you tried.
“Well, it sounds a lot like it! It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve executed it perfectly; you’ve been practicing the quad Salchow for years. You’re thinking too much about this. Just go out there and do your thing, and you’ll see, you’re capable.”
“Yufan, I’m trying to tell you that I’m not, okay? I can’t do it! It’s not me!”
“What is ‘you’, then? What are you, who are you, if not someone who can do this? When did you become such a coward?!”
Silence.
You took a step back. “Excuse me?”
“I asked, since when were you such a coward?” he repeated, unapologetic. “Since when do you think too much and act too little?”
“I’m not a coward,” you spat.
“Prove it,” he challenged. “Trust your skill and do the quad Salchow when it’s your time to perform.”
“That’s not how these things work, okay? I can’t just make up my mind not to do something, and change plans the day of a competition! It’s not like—”
“I swear to God, if you say something about hockey again—”
“You know what?” you asked, voice raising. “I’ll say what I want about your stupid sport. You don’t get to belittle me and call me names just because it’s what you’re used to as an athlete. If you want to treat me like one of your teammates, you can leave.”
He scoffed. “What, you’re telling me to leave because you can’t handle tough love?”
“This is all tough!” you said. “Where’s the love?” You shook your head, and when your eyes landed on him again, you beheld him with something akin to acceptance. “Get out.”
This seemed to sober him up. “What?”
“I said, get out. Walk away, and don’t look back. I wouldn’t want you to. We’re done.”
The first thing you noticed about the rink at Nationals was how bright it was. All ice skating rinks had to, according to the rules of the sport, be well-lit so as to ensure safe skating for any athlete, but there was something different about a rink that hosted the country’s best skaters. The ice was whiter than white, cold, and crisp, with the detailed swirls and twirls of blades engraved into its surface. The crowd was massive, a darkened mob surrounding your stage, the lights nearly blinding as you stepped onto the ice for your warmups.
You shared the space with one other skater; a girl by the name of Nana, who looked more familiar than she should have. She skated well, though you noted a slight hesitation in her movements whenever she readied herself for a spin. You failed to notice the tremble in your own hands, those moments between loops and twirls where you could’ve stumbled.
Your short program was a success, racking up a total of 78.45 points—42.43 in technical elements, and 36.02 in components. You’d done as you were told and moved in time with the music, losing yourself in the unfamiliarity of the sounds, of the sort of song you could only bear when your career depended on it. You were serenaded with a shower of gifts; flowers, teddy bears, and the approving nod of Peiling on the other side of the ice. Your parents cheered for you, whistling and clapping and waving the poster they’d made specially for you.
You’d smiled from your spot on the ice, grinning like a madwoman in the midst of all the praise, your chest rising and falling with rapid breaths as you tried to compose yourself. Your makeup, bold and bright and completely unlike you, glimmered under the lights, shimmering like the mist that separated fantasy from reality.
When you glanced at the leaderboard, you saw that you’d come steadily in second. You couldn’t reason that it was only because all the other skaters before you had fallen, or because they hadn’t executed their moves correctly. You had faith that you would win. You had to. Otherwise, what would it all have been for?
There was a small intermission that allowed you to catch your breath, while Peiling reviewed your routine from where she was seated next to you. She didn’t look at you as she spoke, rather at the judge’s panel, where she glared at one of the older men sitting at the very end. “You’ve dropped the quad Salchow from your routine, correct?” she asked.
“That’s what I’d planned on,” you said, voice trembling.
She hummed. “Mm. Alright. Then just make sure you do your other moves well enough. Skate like you didn’t even need it in the first place.”
You nodded. “I’ll try.”
“You won’t try,” she said. “You will.”
And before you could delay fate, it was your time.
You stepped onto the ice with shaking legs, your fingers trembling from where they rested at your sides as you glided to the centre, twisting and turning your body every which way to loosen your aching muscles. You looked down at your leading leg, exhaling deeply. Bruises and sore spots littered the joint, and surely many other areas of your body. You could barely hold yourself together.
Your routine started off well, with you sliding backwards across the ice, bracing yourself, lifting your arms in a gentle dance. You took a deep bow, twisting yourself up into the air, spinning once, twice, thrice, blades barely touching the ice before you were back in the air again, landing with little effort. After that, a backwards glide that ended in you pole vaulting into the air, assisted by the pick of your skate. The music drifted through the air, the bass reverberating through your body. You pulled your lips into a tight smile, facing the crowd as you rushed forward, lifting your knee for a double Axel. You turned, once, twice, and stuck the landing.
You moved easily through the single Euler and triple flip, and the crowd cheered briefly when you executed a particularly impressive triple Lutz. As you moved across the ice, your blades scraping against its freezing surface, you counted down in your head the numbers you had left before you could be blessed with a completed routine—double toeloop, triple flip, quadruple layback spin, and…
You hoped no one noticed you falter as your brain listed the quadruple Salchow as an automatic addition. Did you do it, and surprise everyone with an unexpected twist, or did you continue as everyone had anticipated, and complete your routine without taking any real risks?
You turned, readying yourself for the quadruple Salchow. As you bent your knee, arms lowering with the rest of you, you thought of Miki Ando. The first and only girl to land the move you were about to attempt. She’d been your age, performing on a much higher level, for a much larger audience. How were you supposed to feel, knowing that the one move you’d spent your entire career practicing had already been done before? Maybe Yufan was right. Maybe you did think too much, act too little. Maybe you were a coward. You sucked in a sharp breath as you flew into the air, the world around you spinning like a top. One, two, three…
Four. Your right foot made contact with the ice, its cold, hard, unforgiving surface. And then you spun again.
Except, you weren’t supposed to. You were supposed to glide seamlessly back into your routine, basking in the audience’s applause. Instead you turned, and now the ground was rapidly approaching.
Snap!
When people get injured, they often describe it as an out of body experience. Something that seems faraway, as if they weren’t present to witness the moment. Your injury was nothing like that.
You cried out as you came down, your shoulder hitting the ice. The pain travelled up at an alarming rate, the joint becoming dead weight.
In an instant, your senses sharpened. You became hyperaware of the pain shooting up your arm, not stopping until it seemed to throb inside your head, your temples burning with the ache. Of the harsh lights cast above you, next to you, behind you, shining even from under your closed eyelids. You heard people, voices cutting through the sound of your own ragged breathing. Skates rushing along the ice, faint sharp lines barely visible through your narrowed eyes. You weren’t sure if you screamed, or if you stayed silent. If you cried, or if the wetness on your cheeks was because of something else.
Whenever you finished a program, there was a moment of silence before the audience erupted in cheers. Before the bouquets were thrown and your name was called, over and over until even you believed you’d made first place. That never came. Instead, you were faced with the deafening silence of a shocked crowd, covering their mouths in horror.
And all you could do was stand up.
The medics tried to help you, but you brushed them off, shakily getting to your feet. You knew what happened next—you’d smile, bow to the crowd while wiping your tears, and they’d all let out a sigh of relief as you stepped off the ice and took a seat. That didn’t happen. Because when you attempted to bow, it was as if every muscle in your body screamed for you to stop, for you to stand upright and try to support your shoulder. It sagged forward, the bone bent at an odd angle.
“Fuck,” you swore, the word out before you could stop it. A medic rushed forward, and this time, you didn’t refuse his help. You let him, and several others of the medical team, help you off the ice, their hands braced firmly against your back.
Peiling was waiting for you at the barrier, her hands desperately grabbing onto you as she half hoisted you up, lifting your numb legs to sheathe your skates. You let her guide you to the kiss and cry, where you sat down with a heavy heart and medics fussed over you until they reached their final conclusion.
They said many things as they examined you; your body, your current state of being. A shock, murmured one, testing to see if she could pop the joint back into place. You teared up and told her to stop, and she did. Totally unexpected, murmured another in Hokkien. Other words and terms were also thrown around. Bad injury. Bone. Joint. Fractured collarbone. Broken clavicle.
“We’ll have to take her to the hospital,” said one of the medics, an older woman who turned to Peiling as she spoke. As if you weren’t even there. “This fracture requires immediate intervention that we can’t give her.”
“You think?” asked the younger man, the one who spoke Hokkien. Probably a medical student. Not much older than you.
“I know,” she said gravely.
All your coach did—all she could do—was nod, accepting the fate that had befallen you. There was nothing to be done about your routine, or what of it you were able to perform. As they carried you out of the rink on a stretcher they’d practically pushed you onto, you realised that you wouldn’t win. An incomplete set didn’t even get you second place. You’d done all that, all those jumps, those twirls, those nights you’d spent at the rink instead of being with your family, those fights you had with Yufan about your courage—all of it in vain.
Your parents made an appearance after all was said and done, when the ambulance had been called and activity in the competition had been halted as thousands of people awaited the outcome of your failure. Just before you were forcefully helped onto the stretcher, they came barrelling through a crowd of security guards, shouting obscenities as they tried to hold them back.
“Let them through,” Peiling barked. “They’re family.”
Your mother rushed to your side, taking your cold face in her warm palms. “Are you alright? Oh, my darling—what’s… what happened?” Then, before you could respond, to the young medic who’d practically carried you off the ice, “Will she be alright?”
He hesitated. “She—”
“My collarbone,” you said, your voice an unfamiliar drawl, a moan of pain, “clavicle. It’s broken.”
She gasped, Chihming’s hands coming up to keep her steady as she began to cry. You felt pity for her, you really did, but when you were the one who’d been injured, a wailing mother was not exactly a nice backing track to your pain.
You waved a hand in Peiling’s direction, and she seemed to understand your signal. Please make it stop. I love her, but please make it stop. Chihming did, as well, because when your coach approached your parents to gently urge your mother into silence, he just nodded and said he’d bring their car around so they could follow the ambulance to the hospital.
“Let us know if anything else happens,” he said, both to you and to Peiling. “Drive safe.”
Then came Shihan, her beautiful face taut with worry and panic. You’d been carried out by that time, and she’d jogged after the medics before you could get to the ambulance from where it wailed on the pavement outside the rink. You could hear the music of another skater’s set through the faint thrum of your own heartbeat. No surprise, they continued despite your absence. That was one of the things you’d loved about figure skating; no matter how bad something seems, no matter how many hits you take, you’d always have to get back up and let the show go on.
And your show couldn’t go on for much longer.
“Are you okay?” was the first thing she asked after pushing herself past the medics crowding you. Her hair fell over her shoulders in inky cascades. “Are you alright? Don’t tell me it’s a broken shoulder, or— or something bad like—”
“Han-eh,” Peiling said, voice low. “Calm down. We’re taking her to the hospital now. She’ll be fine.”
She glanced at your coach, then back at you, taking in the way your face was contorted in pain, the tears streaming down your cheeks. She reached up to wipe them away, saying, “Your— Yufan’s looking for you. He’s here. He wants to see you.”
Then a call of your name, in that sweet, high voice that once warmed you to your core, distressed and frenzied with fear. Now all it did was make your blood run cold.
You grabbed at Shihan’s wrist, shaking your head. You wanted to speak, wanted to scream, Get him away, but all you could do was say, with more acidity than she deserved, “I don’t want to see him.” Desperately, spitefully.
Her brow creased in confusion. Right. She wasn’t there, before the competition. “Not now?”
“Not ever,” you whispered.
It was all a disparaging blur once the ambulance doors shut. You were escorted to the emergency room, where you were immediately assisted by a doctor who spoke like the Osaka businessmen you’d met on training camps in Japan. Your parents stood by your side, each clutching one hand, braced for the worst despite already learning what everyone else knew of your injury.
The elderly medic had been correct in her assumption that you’d suffered a broken collarbone. The bone had shifted, nearly shattered during your fall. Your doctor told you that you’d been unlucky to fall from such a height, at such an impossible speed. You could only grimace as he pulled up an X-ray of your front, talking about the possible paths you could take in your healing. If you were careful, and took it terribly seriously not to move too much, and received a plentiful blessing from the gods, it would heal completely in four to six months.
Half a year. That was how long you’d have to wait to start training seriously again—who knew about how long it would take you to be restored to your full strength and health. Waste. Waste. Waste. That was all you could hear. Failure. The end of times. The worst of the worst.
You cried more times than you’d like to admit. Grieved harder for something you weren’t even sure was lost yet, that you were sure you’d never be able to get back. Your doctor merely glanced at you like you were something to pity, some sort of distressed child that was crying over nothing. Peiling had disappeared out of the room somewhere in the midst of everything, keeping her phone tucked between her shoulder and her cheek as she answered a call. Shihan sat at the edge of your bed while the doctor walked out, your parents following behind him.
She crossed her legs easily over the thin mattress, observing your surroundings. You’d been hastily given a scratchy grey blanket to wear over your costume, and were constantly readjusting your posture, frowning in discomfort. The emergency room was busy, despite it being the middle of the day. Perhaps more peoples’ lives fell apart than you thought every day. Perhaps you’d just never noticed them because you’d never been one of them. Conversations floated through the air, bits and pieces of patients’ personal lives revealed to you, laid bare under the flickering fluorescent lights.
When she spoke, she didn’t say what people had been telling you since you’d arrived. She didn’t tell you that everything was going to be alright, that you were sure to make a speedy recovery if you just rested enough and listened to the doctor’s advice. She didn’t hastily assure you that your career was over, or that this would all be a wonderful story to tell when you won the Olympics, or some anxious, sentimental drivel like that. She said,
“I used to have a Yufan, you know.”
Her tone of voice—soft, saccharine, thick with emotion—caught you off guard. She’d never sounded like that before. “What?” you asked, narrowing your eyes, swollen from crying.
“Yeah. He was a hockey player, and he was a year or two older than me. We met when I was around your age,” she told you. “He’d always let me sit at the very front of his games, and even gave me a signed hockey stick.” She frowned, smiling. “Not that I know who Wayne Gretzky is, but he did. And he cared, so I did, too.” She tilted her head, nodding to you, “Then we broke up… right before one of my competitions. That’s where I got this.”
She pulled up the left leg of her jeans, where you could see stitch marks on her knee, the skin raised where she’d been cut. Your eyes widened. When you glanced up at her, her gaze was still focused on the spot. “Is this why you took that break a few years ago? Because you got hurt?”
“Mm,” she nodded. “It took me months to even get back on the ice. Peiling’s hated hockey players ever since.”
Perhaps it was that single, throwaway comment, or the pain, or the absurdity of it all, but you laughed. For the first time in a while, you laughed; genuinely, and without scorn. It was a light sound, unfamiliar in how loud it was, how it tore through your body like it had been waiting to escape. Shihan laughed, too, and when you heard it, you realised you hadn’t ever heard her genuine laugh. It was a nice sound to hear.
“You know,” she said, when silence had finally settled over you again. “It’s not the end of the world that you got injured. And I’m going to spare you the motivational speech, because I know you’re probably sick of it by now.” She looked at you, long and hard. “Just know that you’re stronger than you think, and that your fate is in your hands. Not anyone else’s.”
Before you could continue your conversation, your very own coach rushed into the room, face drained of colour. You both glanced up at her, brows furrowing in confusion at her expression. “What is it, shifu?” Shihan wondered.
“What happened?” you echoed, concern etched into your pretty features.
Her voice was hoarse when she answered, as if she’d been screaming. Or crying. “The judges have made their decision… and we are expected to make an appearance at the stadium as soon as possible.”
东京 TOKYO
2024
Long story short, you got first place at Nationals. And again two months later at the World Championships, representing your country.
It was a momentous occasion, when you were called up to the podium by the announcer, her American accent sounding harsh pronouncing the gentler tones of your name. But you didn’t care how it sounded, or how badly she butchered it, because you’d won. After all your hard work, you’d finally won, and you had something worthwhile to prove it.
The work didn’t end there for you, unfortunately, not considering your injury.
It still hung in the air like a foul smell after your wins, after you became the Taiwanese public’s darling, after the world learnt your name. News outlets covered your fall at Nationals extensively, thought out excellent and horrible names for it, for what it meant for you as an athlete. A major setback, some called it, something that would permanently impact your career for years to come. A reminder that everyone, even the most talented skaters, are human, said another publication. You liked that one, though it left a bad taste in your mouth regardless.
Despite all that, despite your well-placed hatred for it, despite your family’s fear of it, despite your coach’s grief towards it, you did your best to treat it as gently as you would any life-altering injury, to give yourself the time to recover while refusing to atrophy, refusing to give in to the temptation of premature retirement. You simply couldn’t, was your reasoning, throw all your hard work away because of a fractured collarbone. It was only an injury; you were only a person. It could heal. You could heal. You would heal.
You practiced as frequently usual, though took it undeniably easier on yourself in terms of exercises. You listened to your doctor, took her advice in stride and applied it diligently, determined to get yourself back to the way you were before you could change too much. You went on training camps, focused on rehabilitation, did everything you could in your position.
You did, however, take an indefinite hiatus from competing. You wouldn’t return to the beloved sport until you’d healed, physically and mentally. You wouldn’t return to the rink until you did so on your terms, no one else’s.
It was on one of these training camps, in the wonderful city of Tokyo, that you found, after hearing from a friend of a friend who’d been travelling with you, that there would be a series of hockey games in the area. The local team, the Tokyo Snow Leopards, playing against several smaller, less well-known teams. One of them being the Taipei Eagles.
“You know one of the players, right?” Lili, one of the girls you’d been training with since arriving in Tokyo, asked you one night. She’d signed herself up after suffering a nasty cut to the face that her teammate gave her during pairs training. “Um… what’s his name?” She turned to your other roommate, Jingxue, a girl from Shanghai who’d come after an ACL injury, and snapped her fingers as if searching for the answer. “He’s the cute defenceman?”
Jingxue shrugged hopelessly. She didn’t say much, you’d noticed.
You butted in, eager to get Lili to stop talking. “Yeah, I, uh… I don’t remember his name, but I know who you’re talking about. Yeah, we used to train together, a while ago. Not sure how he’s been these days.”
Lili rolled her eyes at her own forgetfulness, waving it off dismissively. “I’ll remember his name soon, but, yeah, you know who I’m talking about. Have you seen him since… I dunno, since?”
You shook your head. “Nope,” you denied, popping the ‘p’.
It’s what brought you here, at the nearest ice skating rink, sitting in the stands, caught between a roaring crowd around you and a deteriorating game in front of you. The Taipei Eagles uniform was different from the old team’s—or, could you really say old, when this was simply the senior league, and the Polar Bears had been the junior league? Regardless, where their uniforms had been red, white, and blue, the Eagles went for an undeniably mature look, opting rather for black, white, and navy blue.
James was as easy to spot as he had been two years ago, still the quickest player on the ice, still a large, bold 16 on the back of his jersey. You couldn’t see much else of him; couldn’t see much else of anyone besides the crowd members around you, really. Hockey was certainly a spirit- and personality-forward sport where the audience couldn’t judge anyone by appearances. That’s how you knew you wouldn’t ever be able to play the sport—you liked appearances far too much.
The air was as stale and electric as the air at any other hockey game would’ve been, lit up with the sounds of players’ skates slicing against the ice, with the smell of snow in your nostrils, with the heat of the moment creeping up your neck. It was undeniably addictive, and just as dangerous.
The game progressed well, or, perhaps, as well as you could perceive it did, because for all the changes you’d gone through since you’d last been in a place like this, you’d learnt nothing new about hockey. And just as well, really. You had far more important things to worry about. You wondered, then, how much James had changed, if at all. Looking down at him, it seemed he’d grown at least a bit. Perhaps a centimetre or five, something that could elevate him from a teen boy to a young adult. You wondered if he was still a clown. Still bitter inside. Still obsessive, still mean. Still your Yufan.
You knew he wouldn’t be. Yours in the literal sense, you mean. It had been nearly one and a half years since you’d last seen him, and you’d made it clear how you felt about each other that day. That last, all-too fateful day. But you wondered if he was still yours in the sense that he was still the same James you’d known. Still funny. Still passionate. Still kind. Still your Yufan.
Time passed, and eventually the first intermission became the second, then the third, and people were starting to get impatient waiting for the outcome of the game. It was a close one so far, Snow Leopards, six, Eagles, five. Only one or two more goals to determine who would be taking home this game’s trophy, this audience’s hearts.
The players were moving in a way that didn’t completely make sense to you. Agitation hung in the air, and it translated into their jerky movements, their sudden, reckless decision-making. At one point, one of his teammates threw James against the barrier, yelling in his face about a some kind of mistake he’d made. He’d simply shrugged him off, rolling his eyes like he would have years ago. The game continued, but you, and you were sure everyone else, could tell that something was off.
It was odd, how much it reminded you of your first performance at Nationals, despite the two having no correlation. But something in the air was the same; the prickling of nerves, the expectations hanging like heavy clouds threatening rain. The light was the same, the rink too bright, the stands too dark. You could only imagine what it looked like to the skaters on the ice—the looming darkness circling them, giving them tunnel vision. A loud, mechanical buzz cut through the pop music booming from the arena speakers that hadn’t done much to help the growing tension, the agitation you felt. The Snow Leopards had scored another point. Seven, five.
Buzz! Eight, five.
Buzz! Eight, six. A Japanese player was showed to the penalty box, face sour.
Buzz! Eight, seven. One of his teammates joined him, the Taiwanese skaters jeering in glee. That earned them a stern look from the referee, a young woman, and they shut up soon after that.
It was in the final minutes of the game that everything fell apart. The Snow Leopards had been spread thin, half of the team in the penalty box, the other half a mixture of their lacklustre and bench players. And yet, they still seemed to be sweeping the floor with their opponents. Tensions rose, and the Eagles were getting desperate for the win.
Two players had collided, fists and sticks flying. Somewhere in the midst of their scuffle, the puck had been stolen, and the crowd held unanimously their breath. Below, James raced across the ice eyes, alight with opportunity. This was his chance. His I made it moment. He’d make it. He would score, he thought, he knew, as he passed by the commotion, moving with all the grace of a trained figure skater, with the determination of a man who’d committed his life to a sport that would repay him now. All those evenings after school, all those training camps that nearly bankrupted his parents, all those fights, all that pain, it would all be worth it if he just made this one goal. His third of the game, his last of the season. He was close. So, so close.
A small sound, so quiet, so internal that no one but James could hear it. Small, nonthreatening, as he twisted his leg, just that little bit too far, too hard, too desperate, to make a turn. Snap!
You shot up from your seat.
He stopped. In the middle of the ice. Dead in his tracks, flat on his side. The scuffle stopped, players hovered around him with taut faces, expressions contorted with tension. Silence swept over the stadium like a hushed storm; some people stood up, their hands clutched to their chests; others stayed where they were, clamping their mouths shut in shock. What would’ve happened if this were a normal fall was this: the crowd would wait in anticipation for James to get back to his feet, to bow and show that he was fine, he was unharmed. That never happened. They’d wait for the okay, before erupting into applause, cheering for a diligent, passionate athlete taking a chance. That didn’t come.
Instead, he stayed where he was, curling into a foetal position, gloved hands encircling against his knee. His coach, a younger man, perhaps a decade or so older than James himself, rushed from beyond the barrier, slipping onto the ice in nothing but his sneakers, struggling until he reached him. They exchanged a few words, and the two teams skated closer, hiding them from the crowd. It was all a blur of activity from there; medics rushing the ice, James pushing them away and insisting that he was fine, that he didn’t need their help to stand up. Teammates exchanging worried glances, opponents bowing in respect as he finally took his leave, wincing in pain with every move.
“Apologies, everyone, but we will need to take an emergency intermission on account of the Taipei Eagles’ defenceman’s injury. We will back in fifteen minutes with an update, and the game will resume shortly thereafter. Thank you for your patience.”
It seems to be so that, when the gods bring together two people as competitive and desperate as yourself and James, they throw a dice to decide who would win. And winning, well, that looks different to everyone. Sometimes it is literal—they beat their opponent; their opponent is their love, and their prize could be physical. Sometimes it refers to something larger than any two people—life, how it beats them; they are in a match against fate, in a fight against life and death, and their lives depend on the outcome of the game.
Other times it’s a mixture of both. The competitors—lovers, friends, family, enemies, all four at once—are thrown into the game of life, and each trial they face, they live through together, on opposite sides of the net, or the glass, or the field, is a period in the match. There are intermissions, inbetween moments where the tensions ease, where you could love one another. These don’t last too long, not usually. Not when you are as competitive as you are. Once they are over, once the whistle has been blown, it is as if you are nothing and everything to each other.
You forget this, that love isn’t really supposed to be a game, that fate does not favour those that adhere to its ridiculous fancies with the simple belief that it will lead them to where they belong. You forget that humans connect by cooperating, by listening, by compromising. You forget that you are not pieces on a chess board, the outcome of your game dependent on anyone besides yourselves, athletes standing in front of judges and spectators, waiting for someone else to decide how they should continue.
There is a winner. Of course there is—in these games, there always is. But this win, it’s bitter. It leaves a sour taste in your mouth, leaves tears brimming in your eyes. It makes you remember that the path to victory is paved with heartbreak and betrayal. It reminds you that there can only be one winner that takes it all.
You were the one unlucky enough to win. You returned from the hospital after Judge Liu had called Peiling to tell her that you’d won, that you’d placed first in the 2023 Taiwan Figure Skating Championships, and you were helped onto the podium by the two skaters who’d placed in the positions below you, bronze and silver. You turned to the cameraman in front of you, holding your gold medal with trembling fingers, smiling as widely as you could will yourself to. Cameras flashed all around you, blinding you, burning into your retinas. The cheers of the judges and spectators were deafening, though their voices all faded away when all was said and done, when you’d looked at your peers, and realised you were all alone on that podium.
Wen Jiyi, a figure skating prodigy from Kaohsiung, the girl who’d come second place to you, turned to find her family all rushing towards her with large smiles on their faces, thanking Buddha for his kindness towards them, towards their daughter, who not only made it to Nationals, but made it this far. You could hear her friends cheering for her from the stands, chanting her name like a carol.
Hsu Nana, one of your old classmates, the girl who’d come in last, was embraced by her father, his strong arms enveloping her in a strong hug. They’d only had each other, you remembered; her mother was out of the picture before she could get any siblings, and her father had never remarried. And still, with what little they had, with her coming in third overall, her father murmured into her hair, “You’ll always be a winner in my book.”
And you? You were alone. Your family was at a private hospital, filling out forms for you, listening to your doctor explain your healing plan to them. Your friends had fallen away over the years because you’d chosen to focus on the one thing that would repay you more graciously than any relationships would. Your coach watched fretfully from the barrier, holding your new crutches in her hands. And your boyfriend’s parents were watching you, clapping for you, unaware that you’d left their son behind simply because he’d questioned your confidence.
You’d won. You’d made it. All that lay ahead was success; some healing would get in the way, yes, but after those quick four, five months, you’d be free to become the star you’d always been meant to be. Nationals, World Championships, Grand Prix, the Olympics. The world was an oyster you’d wrenched open, and you could do what you pleased with it. But all that, at what cost?
The spotlight shone brighter on those without anything to hold them back, but did it keep you warm when night fell, and people forgot about the stars in the sky?
“What are you doing here?” were James’ first words to you since Nationals.
You stood in front of him, a gentle, contemplative expression on your face. Behind you, the nurse had closed the curtains so that you could have some privacy, though it did nothing to drown out the sounds of the emergency room. You could faintly hear the conversation of a couple in the bed next to you, and tried to pay no mind to the fact that it sounded as if the patient’s boyfriend were accusing her of arson.
James had changed in the time you were apart; neither for better or for worse, just… naturally, as all humans change. Your suspicion that he’d grown taller was proven correct as your eyes swept over his form, over the plains of his lean body. His hair was longer, bleached and coloured to a light brown that looked like autumn. His face was the same, if not more mature, the twist of his lips dissatisfied where it had always been content. His eyes were still as kind as you remembered them, yet undeniably morose. Like something had broken him, and he hadn’t gotten to healing it yet.
You could only imagine how different you looked from the last time you saw James; taller, more mature, stronger, yet carrying yourself with that familiar attitude that dared anyone to doubt you. It was more steadfast than before, perhaps. There were wounds, and tears, and breaks, but that didn’t make you any less yourself.
“I was worried about you,” was your response.
He stared at you like he’d been staring at you for the past ten minutes. “That’s not what I mean,” he said, as if you were supposed to know. “I mean, what are you doing in Japan?”
You smiled softly, the realisation shifting your demeanour. “Oh. I was here on a training camp, just for some rehab. I hurt my ankle pretty badly in a competition a few weeks ago, and Peiling insisted I come to Tokyo for treatment and practice.”
He nodded, not gracing you with a response just yet. His gaze drifted from you, dropped somewhere below him, surveying the brace around your ankle. “So nothing’s changed,” he spoke, voice empty. “You’re still as clumsy as ever.” He remembered all the bruises, all the accidental falls when you failed to adjust to being off the ice, the cases of wobbly legs where he needed to brace you against him, his arm winding over your shoulder, keeping you close to him.
“I guess so,” you agreed. The silence that followed wasn’t natural; it was one that came only to people who’d once in their lives meant everything to each other, and met again when they were completely different people. Except, you weren’t that different from before, were you? “What’s the diagnosis?”
He sighed. “A severe lateral meniscus tear. I’m out for the season.”
You had anticipated something like that. But no amount of anticipation could’ve prepared you for the pain falling over his handsome face. There was something about it that made you feel as if you weren’t meant to see it—the tremble of his bottom lip, the way he tried to keep his tears at bay, the sheer, charged emotion of the scene, humanity in its rawest form. Yet, here he was, James Chao, letting you see, not for the first time in your lives, a part of him he’d hidden from anyone else.
No, the first time had been much happier. It had been when he’d introduced you to his parents, then again when he’d indirectly hinted that he loved you as much as he loved his own friends and family. Then it had been in every fight you had where he didn’t yell, where he didn’t disagree simply to prove a point, where he let you humiliate him like he never would’ve allowed anyone else to.
He tried to keep a brave face; of course he did. That was his forté, pretending as if he were unaffected by anything that happened around him, to him. You wished he hadn’t built up those walls around you, but this time around, you couldn’t fault him for it. He’d let them down and you’d selfishly exploited that. You didn’t deserve to see him any more vulnerable than he was already allowing you.
You took a seat at the end of his bed, next to where he’d braced himself on the heels of his palms, his legs swung over the edge, not because he’d invited you, but because you could feel something in you telling you to sit down. To brush your clothed knee with his bandaged one, to press your shoulder against his arm. The gods, high above, sitting along their great panel, moving another piece on the playing mat which was your intertwined fates. Taking pity. Thinking, Maybe?
James let you, ducking his head until he was almost level with you, where he was usually a head taller. He let you touch him, if only briefly, let himself bask in your unfamiliar warmth. You felt differently from how you did, once, when you were younger. Not bad. Just natural. Like all people are different as they grow.
“I’m sorry,” you said, when the silence became too much for you to bear. Your voice was hushed, and you felt like a criminal standing before a judge, eager to keep the attention off you, to fill the silences in which you could be accused, or asked questions. “For not…”
What? For not visiting? For not apologising sooner? For not being a better person to you? For behaving awfully when all you were trying to do was help? For being a scared, misguided, dogged teenager? For taking advantage of your kindness? For not kissing you after that last practice we had together, after you moved closer and told me you wanted to?
“…for everything,” you sighed. “You deserved better. You deserve better than what I can give you.” Than what the world’s given you, you thought, but couldn’t say.
He smiled breathlessly, wiping harshly at his eyes as if to clean tears that hadn’t yet fallen. “What am I going to do, now?” he asked, perhaps to no one in particular, perhaps to you specifically. After all, you’d dealt with a career-altering injury before. You’d know how to go about it, what he should do next, which steps he should take to get himself back on track. But the path that works for one may not work for the other.
You knew what he was thinking: what he’d been thinking for the longest time. That hockey was his only option, the only thing he was good at, the only future he saw for himself.
You exhaled gently, hands twitching as if they longed to reach out and grasp onto his ringed fingers, feel his warmth. And you told him the words that could’ve helped you once, if you’d been more grateful then, “You’re a talented boy, Yufan. I know that. You know that. Everyone knows that. But what you need to realise is that your talent doesn’t only lie in one thing.”
“But what if it does?”
You shrugged. “How are you supposed to know if you never try something new?”
If you never give yourself a second chance?
“I don’t know. I don’t know.”
When he cried, when he broke down in tears next to you, burying his face in his hands as sobs racked his body, you acted against your better judgement and curled an arm around his shoulder. He responded to the touch like it was second nature, leaning into your chest like you were a lifeline who’d left him when he’d needed you most. Your hands froze, stayed millimetres from his skin, only a breath away from actually touching him like you wanted to. Needed to.
In that moment, there were a million things you could say. A million things you wanted to say. But all those words, those sentiments, those apologies, those proclamations and confessions, died in your throat; because nothing could mend the wound you’d caused. Not even you cradling him to your chest could fix it, could fix the hurt you’d inflicted on him, not even the way his lips pressed against your healed collarbone could erase the words he’d said, the things he’d done in his anger and jealousy towards you. Nothing could change what you’d said when you were nothing more than two terrified teenagers who didn’t know the difference between competition and love.
Could they ever be erased, or fixed, or mended, or healed, if a second chance came along? Or would that simply be something you were left to ponder as you grew?
香港 HONG KONG
2025
“Okay, so, our flight is in two hours, which means we’ll need to be at the boarding gate in fifteen minutes—”
“In what world should we have to wait at the boarding gate for over an hour? We’ve got plenty of time to explore and pass the time until at least half an hour before we need to board.”
Your friend gave you an unimpressed look, like, Really? Kim Juhoon, despite being a world-famous, overachieving figure skater at the ripe age of seventeen, was somehow one of the most neurotic, perpetually unsure people you’d ever met. So much so that, on his way back from competing at the World Championships as one of the two youngest athletes, where he would be hopping on a plane to Taipei so that you could show him where you’d grown up, he insisted that you wait at the boarding gate for more than an hour and a half, just to be safe. His words, not yours.
“Don’t make that face at me,” you said, shaking your head like a dismissive elder sibling. “I know what I’m talking about. You need to relax, Jju. Nothing bad is going to happen if we’re not a million hours early for our flight.”
He pointed a perfectly manicured and terribly accusatory finger at you. “You’re exaggerating to make me look stupid, and I won’t let you do it. I just won’t.”
“You already did,” you teased, grinning.
Even in all these years, airports had never lost their charm to you. The fluorescent lights beat down on the polished white floors, the night sky countering it like the moon did the sun. People filled up the place, walking to and fro, making arrivals and departures, saying goodbye to their families, kissing their spouses in greeting. The air smelled fresh, like air freshener and new beginnings. Old memories, new places. The good, and the unexpected.
Your coaches looked at you from where they strode at an alarming pace several metres ahead, before turning to each other, like, These kids. Meanwhile, you and Juhoon marvelled at the sight of a couple dragging their very fussy toddler out of a nearby takeout spot, the baby a screaming, wailing mess.
“That’s kind of how I feel right now,” Juhoon noted calmly.
You chuckled softly. Both of you were still reeling from your competition—the annual World Championships, this time held worlds away in Boston, had left you fatigued and a little bit out of sorts. Like, on a different plane of existence out of sorts. Still, you’d qualified, and secured spots at the September Qualifiers in Beijing, so it would all pay off in time.
“Same,” you agreed, bobbing your head.
Since Juhoon had insisted on being at the boarding gates two hours early, you’d made your way through the airport without much consideration for ogling at the great building, though Hong Kong International Airport was, in your opinion, a true beauty to behold. You did, however, stop at a few of the digital advertisements, displayed on larger than life boards and featuring some of your friends promoting products from their various sponsors. Juhoon snapped a selfie of the two of you in front of an Adidas board, sending it to one of his school friends—a swimmer on his way to the 2028 Olympics—with a particularly cheeky caption; the two of you posed in front of one of Shihan’s Dior adverts, pulling faces and mimicking her own, and so on and so forth you went until you actually came across an ad with your face on it.
It was one of your more recent campaigns for an energy drink—the audience is open to decide which, depending on how they view you. You were posed on the ice, in your training outfit, jewellery glimmering in the grainy film shot. There was some sort of quirky caption written in the air next to you, something that convinced the audience you actually got your energy from their product. It seemed like a candid scene, poised as if you’d been caught in a mundane moment in the middle of training, though the way you appeared more photogenic than you knew you were let you, and only you, know that it was staged. You tended to look a bit less human when you’d been exercising for two hours straight.
“Wah,” said Juhoon, mouth open in feigned shock. “Looking good, ttangkong.”
“Pfft— shut up,” you said, shoving his shoulder. “I didn’t say anything about your Louis Vitton ad, wugui.”
“I saw you snap that sneaky picture,” he shot back. He turned to you, narrowing his eyes. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you posting it, either.”
You rolled your eyes, raising your hands in a gesture of surrender. “So I posted a picture of my talented, handsome friend,” you said. “Sue me.”
He shook his head, yawning. He stretched his arms over his head, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes, his shirt riding up to expose the too-low waistband of his jeans. “I’m too tired to call my lawyer right now. You’ll have to settle for a formal complaint.”
You shrugged. “Fine by me. Now—” you picked up your shoulders, pulling your pink suitcase behind you— “we going to the boarding gate, or what?”
Juhoon smiled softly, nodding. “Yeah,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “Leggo, or I’ll have an anxiety attack.”
“Jjinja?” you teased, the world rolling uneasily off your tongue.
“Ni hen fan ei,” he sighed, swift and easy.
You scoffed, landing a faint punch to his shoulder. “So annoying,” you muttered. “Let’s go.”
On your way to the boarding gate, you were distracted for a second time by something catching your eye. You stopped; Peiling, Juhoon, and his coach kept walking, not noticing that you’d halted, and were now staring at the double doors of the airport’s gift shop, gaze trained on whatever was behind the thick glass.
Something churned in your stomach, told you to go inside, to see what the tiny tourist trap had to offer. You turned to them, speaking absently over your shoulder, “Uh, you guys go ahead. I just want to check something out, here.”
“Hmm?” Juhoon hummed in question.
“I’ll be with you now,” you said, your feet already carrying you to the entrance. And that was the last any of them saw of you for the next fifteen minutes.
You wandered into the shop, your entrance signalled by the chime of a bell above the door, and realised relatively quickly that it certainly wasn’t its charm that had pulled you in. It was chock full of tacky tchotchkes, red and yellow lanterns hung all over, with rows upon rows of magazines and T-shirts that said ‘I HEART HK’ all over the front. You wrinkled your nose in distaste, wilfully ignoring the fact that you were wearing a shirt with the same print on it, though the smell of incense was a welcome sensation.
The shop seemed to be empty save for you and the elderly owner, who was ducked behind the counter, seemingly in search of something. Music drifted through the air from an old record player, the quality as dusty and old-fashioned as the tunes themselves, reminiscent to the Cantopop you knew James’ father listened to.
You found James Chao among the racks of tasteless souvenirs, perusing the shelves as if he were actually thinking of buying something. You stopped in your tracks when you saw him, your boots scuffing against the grainy floor. That something. It had always been that something.
He looked different from the last time you’d seen him in Tokyo. Of course he did—people changed. You’d changed. Your parents had changed. Taipei had changed. Why wouldn’t James? He couldn’t be your emotionally constipated older boyfriend forever.
It seemed he’d finally finished growing, standing nearly a head taller than you still; that hadn’t changed, at least. His hair was shorter, spikier, blonde highlights peeking out from between his natural roots. He wore a fitted denim jacket, tufts of fur lining the collar; his jeans hung low on his slim hips, and for a moment, you wondered when he’d become so fashionable. So grown up. You supposed it needed to happen sometime. He was due to turn twenty this year, after all.
A few things hadn’t changed, as well, perhaps to ease your heart out of the assumption that the boy you’d loved had become a man you knew nothing of. A pair of tinted, frameless glasses were tucked into his T-shirt, and when he slid them onto his face to examine the price of a snowglobe with a miniature Buddha in it, he looked almost identical to how he did on the nights he brought his homework to the skating rink, solving complex Calculus equations while you skated frenzied laps around the ice. A pair of silver earrings dangled from his earlobes, the same you’d gotten him for your one month anniversary. Odd to think you’d even made it that far when you fucked it up immediately afterwards.
Again, you wondered what he would think if he’d turned to see you staring at him. You’d grown up quite a bit since Tokyo, since Nationals. You now wore the glasses you’d dreaded to in place of those tricky contact lenses; your eyes still didn’t work. You had more jewellery, earrings lining your lobes and cartilage, rings encircling your fingers; they were all still silver. Your hair had grown; it was still unruly. Your shoes were still dirty. Your smile was the same.
He did notice you eventually, with the fear and reluctance of someone who had noticed, through the corner of their eye, the intense stare of a stranger. And when his gaze landed on you, still shorter than him, still with that wild kindness in your eyes, still with those lips he’d wished he’d gotten to kiss before it was too late, he couldn’t help but soften.
“Hi,” he breathed, and you swore your knees would give out.
“Hi,” you replied, obviously suave and cool and not awkward at all. “How— are you—? Are you good? Well? Are you well?”
He nodded. “Yeah. You?”
“As well as I could be,” you said.
He raised his chin, as if to nod again, but simply kept it there. His eyes flicked somewhere to the right of him, and he said, “Tired from the competition?”
Your eyes widened. “Wha—? How did you—?” You turned to where he was looking outside the shop’s window, and came face to face with a large screen replaying the highlight reels from your routine in Boston. “Oh. That’s— it’s— yeah. A little. Sorry, that’s…” You wrinkled your nose at the sight. “I could’ve gone without seeing that. Again.”
You turned back to look at James, but his eyes were still locked on you. On the screen; a larger than life figure he’d once held securely in his arms, picked up like you’d weighed nothing. A small smile was etched into his features, appearing on his handsome face like watercolour on a canvas. Soft, bleeding through the edges.
“I saw it on the television earlier,” he said. “You did well.”
You couldn’t help grinning. “Yeah? You think?”
“I know. So, what are you in Hong Kong for?”
“Oh, my friend and I are on our way back to Taipei, but we just wanted to make a quick stop here for a day or two. I had to show him where Chungking Express was filmed.”
James chuckled softly. Something that hadn’t changed, he noted. Your obsession with niche films.
“And you?” you asked.
He shut one eye, as if in thought. “I came to visit some family. It was my grandma’s eightieth, so I stayed for the month.”
“Oh, really? That’s great!”
It was a bit of an odd scene, to be honest. Talking to the man you’d had a very passionate, unhealthy, short-lived relationship with as a teenager like you were two friends catching up over coffee. But that’s what you and James were, before everything else. Friends. Begrudging, snappish, eye-rolling friends. Training buddies who spent too much time together. You practically hadn’t seen each other properly for two years, but it was easy to fall back into that dynamic with him.
He nodded, though he didn’t grace you with a direct reply. Instead he said, “Yeah. I’ve been trying to figure things out recently, so I decided staying overseas for a bit would help.”
You paused. “You’re not playing for the Eagles anymore?”
He shook his head.
“You retired?”
“Yeah. I figured I didn’t want to waste my life trying to make something of a sport I didn’t even like that much.”
“But you had the talent for it,” you tried, attempting an encouraging smile.
He returned it in all its gentleness and beauty. “I know. But I’m not you. I can’t lose myself in my passion the way you do. Doesn’t make me any less committed, I just… I guess I realised my talent doesn’t lie in only one thing.”
You hummed softly. “You did? I’m glad.”
“Yeah,” he agreed. “It’s helped a lot.”
The silence that enveloped you reminded you of the hospital in Tokyo. It was thick, and filled with the feeling of your guilt. It was your own guilt, of course, nothing projected onto you, nothing brought upon you by anyone by yourself. It was the self-aware sort, the kind people felt when they knew they had sins to answer for, mistakes they’d made, bad decisions they’d left in the gods’ hands.
Your second apology was different from your first one in that you didn’t try to cover all your fronts in one sentence. Instead, you stepped closer to James, effectively grabbing his attention, and said, “I’m sorry I thought less of you because you played hockey.” Then, “I’m sorry I treated you like shit just because I was scared.” And, “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the love you deserved when you so readily gave it to me. I’m sorry I was a bad friend, and a bad girlfriend, and a bad person. I know I was younger, and I was dumber, but that doesn’t make what I did any less… shitty. I was a little asshole, and I deserved your anger for all those years.”
Instead of agreeing with you, curling his lip in anger and telling you off for your wrongdoings, James looked at you like you hung the moon and the stars, wrote the code he lived and loved by. “It’s okay,” he said. “We were just kids.”
“Kids do fucked up shit sometimes,” you protested. “And I did.”
“Still okay.” He noticed the look you were giving him, and added, “That doesn’t mean I’m forgiving you immediately. I’m still furious with you. But, I got my second chance. I’d say it’s only fair you get yours.”
Your brow furrowed in a frown. “Are you saying we should… try again?”
Yufan shrugged. “Why not? Love is more fun the second time round, anyway.” He stepped forward, face inching closer to yours. “As long as I get to have you as my first kiss, because I’ve been waiting for three damn years.”
And who were you to deny him that luxury?
Your first ever kiss happened in a tacky souvenir shop in Hong Kong International Airport, with reels of you playing on a television in the background, and Cantopop drifting through the air as you moulded your body to his, lips slotted together in an embrace that said please don’t let go. Yufan pulled you impossibly closer, his soft lips pressed against yours like a whisper of encouragement for you to get lost in him. Years and years of tension, pent up frustrations, and wishes leaked into the kiss, years of history and years of love that you hadn’t had the heart to receive before you were ready.
“I’m not going to admit it right now,” Yufan said, breaking the kiss only enough that he was murmuring against your lips, though he was going to do just that in the next ten seconds, “but I’ve had the fattest crush on you since I saw you three years ago when you stole my suitcase.”
perm taglist @hyuneskkami @ramenoil @cranialberry @teacuplps @en-dream @luffyloving @beaseungiu @tmrwsuns @eunjjx
guess who's back WOOOO well maybe idk yet i have a bunch of shit i wanna post so we shall see nyahhahah
“GIVE ME THAT”
pairing: matchmaker! xiaojun x client! reader | genre: rom-com | words: 42k+
synopsis -> after successfully playing cupid for his friend, mark lee, xiaojun decides he’s basically a love expert. so what does he do? start a side hustle — offering the services of the self-proclaimed, 100% success rate, campus matchmaker. weeks of radio silence later, his first (and only) client calls — you. you’re exhausted from a string of situationships that never seem to graduate into actual relationships, and maybe, just maybe, this ridiculous “love expert” could help. but after a couple sessions, you start to suspect that xiaojun’s little matchmaking gig isn’t quite what it seems.
warnings -> guaranteeing a love story that will make you laugh! pet name unlocked: honey, frat parties, jealousy, reader is kinda sadistic, but really she’s just a #womaninmaledominatedfields, third-parties, insecurities, a slap!, ghosting, +18, crude humor, language, parties, drinking, smut! guided fingering, oral (f receiving, a lot), face-sitting, handcuffs!, a little bit of a pain/begging kink but it’s never mentioned outright, blowjobs, overstimulation!, nipple-play!!!!!, tit-fucking, boobie-obsessed xiaojun, slight! thigh riding, slight! cum-play, xiaojun is a needy, whiny sub who will cry at his woman’s touch!!!, and he loves loves loves pleasing her, oh! and he’s kinda a virgin! dry humping, protected sex, crying during sex, rough sex, mentions of: murder, blood, theft, true crime, pregnancy, condoms, a safe word
an -> loverboy xiaojun is surprisingly here and all yours!! if you’ve been following my blog, you know i kinda hit a stump in the middle of writing this. it literally was my worst writers block of the year, but hey, shit happens and i think i like this! i do feel like i rushed some parts but man this is already 42k so idk, maybe that’s just me. i hope you like it!! please do let me know <3 i’ll be patiently waiting for your reactions! - with love, c.
🍯 OCTOBER 5 - LOVE GUARANTEED 🍯
the flyer practically fell out like a planted piece of evidence. you blinked down at it, the paper slipping from between pages of book you’d just checked out, 127 techniques of crime scene investigation. when you unfolded it, you nearly laughed out loud, a photo of a couple you recognized immediately — mark lee and kitten. one of the dream couples. everyone knew who they were. the happily-ever-after shoved in your face at parties, in the cafeteria, on social media. in this shot, she was glowing, mid-laugh while he was holding her like she was the only thing that mattered. disgustingly perfect. above their glowing smiles, in large, bold, all capital letters:
DO YOU WANT TO FIND A LOVE LIKE THIS?
below the photo, a promise that was almost too confident:
LET ME, YOUR FAVORITE MATCHMAKER, GIVE YOU THAT!
and at the bottom:
CALL 127-808-1999 FOR LOVE GUARANTEED — 100% SUCCESS RATE!
that was it. no name. no logo. no credentials. just a number and the bold assurance that you, too, could have a mark and kitten level romance if you dialed it. you turned the flyer over, half-expecting a price list but the back was blank. which begged the obvious question: who was behind this? why hide it in library books like some sort of underground love-dealer? and did the dream couple have any idea they’d been plastered on what looked like a matchmaking scam poster? probably not. you couldn’t picture them greenlighting anything that used comic sans this shamelessly. you should’ve tossed it in the recycling bin on your way out. you really should’ve. but instead, you slid it into your tote bag, half-hidden between your lab notebook and a pack of highlighters. not because you believed in it. please. you weren’t that naive. but because you were…tired. tired of situationships that fizzled the second things got complicated. tired of being somebody’s “almost” or “practice round.” tired of pretending you didn’t want more when you absolutely did. and maybe, just maybe, whoever the person behind this actually can change things for you? but still. you weren’t going to call…right?
🍯 OCTOBER 12 – THE MATCHMAKER 🍯
a week later, you were two glasses of cheap wine deep in an existential crisis. twenty-something now and still no official boyfriend to your name. not one. sure, there had been situationships and flings. plural. but none that made it out of the trial phase. were your standards really that high? or were you just cursed? your head tipped back against your pillow with a groan, the ceiling spinning ever so slightly. and then, through the pleasant fuzz of tipsiness, a memory surfaced — the flyer. you dug around for it, fingers brushing past pens, lab notes, and gum wrappers until you felt the edge of the paper. you smoothed it out against your thigh and grinned to yourself, the reckless kind that only came out after wine.
“for fun,” you muttered, inserting the numbers into your phone. pure curiosity. a prank on yourself, basically. there was no way this was real and someone was actually going to answer — except. someone did.
“...hello?” a man’s voice, slightly confused, like he wasn’t sure why his phone was ringing in the first place. you blinked, momentarily thrown, “uh. hi. i’m calling about…the matchmaking service?” there was a pause, the kind where you could almost hear the wheels turning on the other end. you stared at your phone, half-convinced you were being scammed, half-ready to laugh yourself to sleep. because apparently, the anonymous “campus matchmaker” wasn’t just real — he was a guy who clearly hadn’t expected anyone to actually call. and then, suddenly, the voice lit up, bright with recognition and far too much enthusiasm for your liking, “oh! wait—yes, that’s me!”
you squinted at your ceiling, lips quirking, “you’re the matchmaker?”
“yes. correct. that’s me.” he cleared his throat, as if rearranging himself into professional mode, “congratulations, you’ve reached the…uh…exclusive love consultant of…” he trailed off for a second, like he was just coming up with everything on the spot, “...of your dreams.”
you burst out laughing, “wow, real smooth. do you have, like, a license for this or are you just freelancing your way through other people’s personal lives?”
“i’m…independent,” he said, which was exactly the kind of answer people gave right before you discovered they were running a pyramid scheme.“independent,” you echoed, fighting a grin, “so…no training? no degree in psychology or relationship counseling? no certification that says you’re not just a scammer with a printer?”
“hey!” he protested, “i’ll have you know my first clients are successfully thriving. one year strong, in fact.” you frowned, brain ticking, “you mean that couple you plastered on the flyer?”
“yes! i’m sure you know who they are…they have me to thank for getting together,” he says, voice smug even through the phone.
“do they even know you used their photo?”
silence. then, sheepishly, “...they might not be aware of that part.”
“you realize they could sue you, right?”
another beat of silence on the other end. then, in a voice that was trying very hard to sound confident again, “okay, look, legalities aside…do you want my help or not?” you snorted, rolling onto your side, phone pressed closer to your ear, “what exactly is your help? are you gonna run a background check on potential boyfriends?”
“background checks aren’t a bad idea,” he muttered, almost to himself. then, louder, “but no. what i do is…i…observe. i get to know you and then i observe how you are with others. and then i…connect the dots. it’s very scientific.”
“scientific,” you repeated flatly, your forensic instincts tingling, “so your whole method is stalking with extra steps?”
“not stalking! more like…active field research.”
you couldn’t help it, you laughed again, warm and tipsy, “this is ridiculous,” you sigh, not even sure why you were still entertaining the idea. “and yet,” he shot back, “you called me. which means you must need me at least a little.” that shut you up for a beat because he wasn’t entirely wrong. your eyes drifted to the flyer again. that stupid, too confident question glaring up at you: DO YOU WANT TO FIND A LOVE LIKE THIS? maybe you were ridiculous too.
“so, what’s your deal? why’d you call?” his voice rang through your room again, breaking you out of your thoughts. you hesitated, staring at your ceiling. the wine was humming warm in your veins and loosening your tongue, “because i’m in my twenties and apparently my standards are so high no one can meet them. or maybe the dating pool is just trash. either way—” you snorted at yourself, “i found your flyer in a library book and took it as a sign so…here we are.” he made a thoughtful noise, “well, the universe does work in mysterious ways.”
you giggled at that, “okay, fine, matchmaker man,” you teased, “what’s the next step? are you going to send me a google form?”
“no forms,” he said, like the idea personally offended him, “we do this face-to-face. again, observation is key. i need to see how you talk, how you move, how you act. it’s a whole algorithm.”
you giggled, “that’s not an algorithm, that’s just you eyeballing me like a weirdo.”
“look,” he said, not letting your comments get to him, voice still as bright as ever, “if you’re serious about this, let’s do a consultation. tomorrow. 6 p.m. in person. you bring yourself, i’ll bring my expertise.”
you raised an eyebrow, “where?” there was a pause, then he rattled off a location that made you sit up. “wait…you want me to meet you in the abandoned basement in the old film wing? that’s basically a crime scene waiting to happen.”
“it’s not a crime scene,” he said, defensive, “it’s quiet, private, great for assessments.”
“it’s sketchy and i’m going to die.”
“it’s convenient and how do i know you’re not the killer?”
you sighed, flopping back onto your bed, “you realize how this sounds, right? you’re asking me to walk into a deserted area to meet a stranger whose real name i don’t even know.”
“please, it’s not that deserted, people make-out in there all the time,” he points out, “–and i told you my name.”
“no, you didn’t.”
“oh,” a beat, “well, i’m xiaojun.”
“okay xiaojun,” you say, “if i get murdered, i’m haunting you.”
“deal,” he said cheerfully, “so we’re on for tomorrow?” you stared at the ceiling again. this was reckless. this was the kind of decision sober you would never make. and yet — “fine.” you said, half-laughing, half-resigned, “tomorrow. if you’re not there with a clipboard and a legitimate plan, i’m leaving.”
“i’ll be there,” he promised. you hung up, dropping your phone onto your pillow and laughing at the ceiling. you were almost sure you’d just agreed to your own murder.
🍯 OCTOBER 13 – THE INVESTIGATION 🍯
you spent the whole day convincing yourself you weren’t going. that the conversation last night was just one huge mistake. a drunk call because you were bored and lonely. it was absurd. meeting a self-appointed love consultant in an abandoned basement was how podcasts started their true-crime episodes. but by 5:50 p.m. you were at the edge of the stairwell that led down to the location. the metal door was half-open, a weak strip of light spilling out. it smelled faintly of dust and photo chemicals, like a ghost of its past. you checked your phone again. you could still text “sorry” and go home. but then, your curiosity, the same reckless streak that had you digging out that flyer last night, bubbled up.
“just five minutes,” you muttered to yourself, “i’ll look, see what kind of freak he is and leave.” you pushed the door open. the stairs groaned under your sneakers as you descended. down here, it was cooler. you half-expected flickering fluorescent lights and ominous dripping pipes. instead, there were old film canisters stacked along the walls, dusty bulletin boards, a couple of forgotten stools — and him. he was leaning against one of the old metal tables, scrolling on his phone. not a hooded creep or a forty-year-old catfisher — just a guy in a worn university sweatshirt and black jeans. his hair fell into his eyes in that art-student way. his jawline looked carved out of spite. you stopped a few steps from the bottom, “xiaojun?”
he looked up — and your stomach dipped. through the phone, he’d sounded awkward and overeager. in person, he looked like the kind of guy you’d normally side-eye at a party because he was too good-looking and exactly your type. he straightened immediately, tucking his phone away, “you came.”
“i almost didn’t,” you crossed your arms, scanning the room like you were cataloguing evidence — one exit, one man, no obvious weapons. “this is exactly where my professors tell us not to go alone.”
he winced a little, “i swear i picked it because it’s quiet. all the study rooms are booked.”
you raised an eyebrow, “uh-huh, and why are you even doing this? what’s in it for you?”
he grinned like he’d been waiting for that question, “first things first,” he said, clapping his hands once, “what’s your name? i mean, you know mine but we never did proper introductions.”
you hesitated for a beat, weighing whether this was still a mistake, then sighed, “y/n, fourth year, forensic science major.”
his brows lifted, amused, “forensic science? that explains a lot.”
“excuse me?”
“the suspicion. the scanning. the way you keep looking at the exit,” he teased, lips twitching, “you’re treating this like a crime scene.”
you tilted your head, “i’m not ruling out that it isn’t one yet.” his laugh came out low and warm, echoing faintly against the concrete walls, not mocking, but edged with something amused, “wow,” he said leaning back on the table, arms folding loosely across his chest, “you really don’t trust people, huh?”
“definitely not ones who invite strangers into abandoned basements,” you say. that earned another small laugh. for a moment, he just looked at you — like he was quietly trying to read your whole story from the way you stood — your arms were crossed, feet angled toward the exit, chin tilted in that stubborn, defiant way. it felt like he was peeling back layers you didn’t know you were wearing.
finally, he sighed, half-grinning, “all right, detective y/n, full disclosure — i’m xiaojun, music major. i’m not a scammer, not recruiting for a cult and i definitely don’t own a white van. i just thought this would be fun. that’s it. plus the extra cash wouldn’t hurt.”
you tilted your head, “you seriously think i’m going to pay for this? you haven’t even proven that it works…you have—what? one successful couple.”
he shrugged, nonchalant, “i never said i just had one successful couple.”
“alright then, what are the names of the others? proof? references?” you asked, tone flat.
his grin flickered, just slightly, “confidential.”
“how convenient.”
“look, if you don’t believe me—”
“oh, i don’t,” you cut in smoothly, “i’m just here to confirm whether i should report you or nominate you for campus clown of the year.”
he blinked, then laughed under his breath, shaking his head, “well, aren’t you as sweet as honey.” you rolled your eyes, lips threatening to curl despite yourself. “fine,” he said, hands raised like a peace sign, “first consultation is free, you can leave whenever you want.”
you huffed, half-annoyed, half-intrigued and maybe a little curious about what he’d say next. “all right, mr. matchmaker,” you muttered, tone still laced with sarcasm, dragging out the stool across from him and sitting down, “impress me.”
his grin widened “with pleasure.” then he reached his phone out from his back pocket, opening his notes app. you raise a brow, watching him, “wow, very professional setup you’ve got there.”
“thank you,” he said, completely serious, thumbs poised over the screen, “so,” he said, “let’s start simple. how many boyfriends have you had?”
“none.”
his fingers hovered over his keyboard, “none?”
you crossed your arms, “none that count. if we’re not talking high school delusions or two week talking stages, then yeah. zero.”
he nodded slowly, thoughtful, “okay, cool. that’s fine…what are you looking for, then?”
“a man,” you said simply.
he chuckled, “good start. what kind of man?”
“a man who’s obsessed with me,” you said without hesitation.
his brows lifted slightly, nodding, like you’d said something perfectly reasonable, “define obsessed.”
“like... does everything i want without me having to say it because he pays attention. maybe gets a little jealous sometimes — not in a toxic way, just enough to prove he cares. a man who reassures me that i’m the one he wants. every day.”
he typed as you spoke, lips twitching. “okay. obsessed but emotionally stable. got it.”
“and he should be taller than me,” you added, “but not so tall that my neck will break looking up at him.”
“reasonable.”
“he has to be smart. someone i can have conversations with. i like them a little nerdy.”
“mhm,” he taps his screen, “that’s a good one.”
“and he should smell good, like cedar…and vanilla.”
he paused, glancing up from his phone, “okay, that one’s oddly specific, but go on.”
“and if he says one thing i don’t like, we’re done.”
his mouth twitched, “you walk away that fast?”
“faster,” you said, “i don’t have time for disappointment. he’s either contributing to the peace i’ve built or he’s gone. simple as that.”
“so basically,” he said, locking his phone and setting it aside, “you want someone who worships you, never messes up, and smells like mr. perfect.”
you smirked, “exactly.”
he smiled faintly, leaning forward on his elbows. “okay then i conclude that—” he said with that maddening confidence back in his eyes, “your standards aren’t impossible. just... selective. you’re the type who tests people to see if they’ll stay.” you stared at him, thrown off by how casually he said it — like he hadn’t just dissected you in one sentence. then he straightened, slipping his phone into his pocket, and said with a grin, “guess we just need to find you a real man.” you frowned, partly defensive, “and what’s a real man supposed to be like?”
he shrugged, like the answer was obvious. “one that can handle you. one who won’t scare off the moment you test him.” and for the first time since you’d met him, you didn’t have a comeback.
🍯 OCTOBER 16 – JUST LIKE HONEY 🍯
it was one of those friday nights when the entire campus felt like it was pulsing to the same bass line. you could hear it from halfway down the block — the riize house was alive, lights bleeding through the windows, the air thick with cheap beer and cologne. you smoothed out your black strapless dress before stepping inside. simple. lethal. heads turned the moment you entered, guys mid-conversation trailing off, girls whispering something under their breath. you weren’t oblivious to it. you just didn’t care. because the momentary hush that followed you wasn’t admiration — it was intimidation. people looked, but no one approached. you spotted xiaojun near the kitchen, half-perched on the counter, red cup in hand, like he owned the place. he was mid-conversation with someone when he glanced up — and promptly lost his train of thought. his hand jerked slightly, sloshing a bit of beer onto his sleeve, “shit–,” he muttered, looking down before flicking right back up at you, eyes widening just a little, “wow.”
you stopped a few steps away, one brow raised, “what?” he blinked, trying to recover, running a hand through his hair like that would somehow reset him, “nothing, just…,” his voice trailed off as he rubbed the back of his neck, “you actually showed up.”
“well, this is still part of your free consultation, isn't?” you said, crossing your arms, voice cutting through the bass-heavy music, “something about observing how i interact with male specimens in a social environment.” he coughed, suddenly finding the rim of his cup very interesting, “right. yeah. something like that.” for someone who’d spent the last two days texting you about his elite matchmaking strategies, he looked like he’d just forgotten every one of them. you smirked, “you okay there, cupid?”
“fine,” he said too quickly, then forced a small, overly casual shrug, feigning nonchalance, “you just, uh…look nice.”
“is that supposed to be a compliment?” you say, lips twitching into a smirk.
“it’s a factual observation,” he said, voice almost steady again. you tilted your head, amused, “factual observation noted.”
he cleared his throat, straightening like he was back in control, “anyway,” he said, gesturing toward the living room, “come on, i want you to meet someone.” you arched a brow, “you’re setting me up…tonight?”
“yep,” his confidence returned, or at least his imitation of it did. “that’s eunseok — third year, business major, part of the riize fraternity, decent gpa, tall but not too tall. statistically speaking, exactly your type.” he nodded toward a guy across the room — clean-cut, charming smile, every detail of him polished to perfection, “he’s the human embodiment of a man,” xiaojun added, too proud of his phrasing as he nudges you along with him. you shot him a look, “you’re kidding.”
“no time like the present,” he said breezily. you sighed but followed anyway, curiosity outweighing your skepticism. and that’s when he led you straight to his friend. xiaojun’s “introduction” was a disaster from the start. his voice cracked halfway through your name, his hand gestures made no sense, and by the time he stepped back, both you and eunseok looked vaguely confused. eunseok, though, recovered fast, frat-boy reflexes kicking in. he smiled, smooth and practiced. “so…this is the girl you’ve been talking about.” xiaojun nodded a little too enthusiastically, like a parent at a recital. eunseok extended his hand. “i can see why. you’re gorgeous.”
you looked at his hand, then back at his face, “thanks, i’m aware.”
his smile wavered but he kept the act up, “confident. i like that.”
it takes every ounce of you not to roll your eyes, “good for you.”
xiaojun made a choking sound behind his drink. eunseok, to his credit, laughed, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes, “you’re sharp.”
“and you’re predictable.”
“i’ll take that as a challenge.”
“you really shouldn’t.”
his smile tightened, “you don’t make this easy, do you?”
“i’m not supposed to,” you said, voice silk over steel, leaning back against the wall, “if it’s easy then it’s boring. isn’t that what you all say?” eunseok’s eyes flickered, probably trying to decide whether you were flirting or eviscerating him. before he could decide, you added, “you’re trying too hard.”
he blinked, “trying to–?”
“to seem like someone worth talking too.” that was the kill shot. eunseok laughed — that empty, frat-boy charm laugh they do even though nothing is funny. then he muttered something about getting another drink before backing off, his charming mask officially cracked. as soon as he was out of earshot, you turned to xiaojun, who was blinking at you like he’d just witnessed a murder, “what?” you asked, unfazed. he exhaled, “okay, wow. that was—”
“disastrous?”
“educational,” he said, choosing optimism like it was a defense mechanism, “you really don’t mess around.”
“i told you,” you said, swirling your drink, “if i don’t like something, i walk away.”
“yeah, but usually people wait until after the small talk before detonating the interaction.”
“i’m efficient.”
he let out a low laugh, rubbing the back of his neck again, “what did you not like about him anyway?”
“he was trying too hard to act cool,” you shrug.
xiaojun nodded slowly, like he was writing mental notes for a dissertation. “right. okay. round one didn’t go so great, but research takes time.”
“sure,” you said, deadpan, hiding a smirk behind your cup.
“and your first feedback,” he said carefully, “next time, maybe be a little sweeter?”you tilted your head, eyes glinting. “what…like honey?” his grin spread, all boyish and crooked, relief slipping into his voice. “exactly. just like honey.”
🍯 OCTOBER 17 - CONFIDENCE…? 🍯
“alright, honey,” xiaojun starts, clapping his hands together like a coach before a game, “day two, let’s do this.”
you stare at him, deadpan, “what’s with the nickname?” he smirks, leaning against the doorframe of the wayv house, the bass already thumping through the walls, “there’s power in our words.”
“and what’s that supposed to mean?” you ask, crossing your arms, “you’re going to keep calling me honey, hoping it manifests me into becoming sweeter?”
“exactly,” he says, grinning. you blink at him, “that’s not how manifestation works.”
“says who?” he shrugs, “sometimes, you just gotta have trust in the universe.” you roll your eyes, fighting a laugh, “and that’s supposed to inspire trust in your clients?”
“please,” he says, mock-offended, “confidence is half of attraction. if you look like you know what you’re doing, people believe you do.”
“so you admit, you don’t actually know what you’re doing?” you tease. he pauses, smirk twitching, “no further questions.” the music inside swells, the kind of party soundtrack that smells like beer, smoke and questionable decisions. you both linger on the porch a second longer, partly because he’s still rambling through his so-called strategy. “alright,” he says finally, straightening up like this is serious business, “tonight’s focus – eye contact.”
you raise a brow, “groundbreaking.”
“and posture,” he adds, unfettered, “you walk into a room like you already own it.”
“i already do that.”
“see?” he points at you like you’ve just proved his point, “perfect. now the next step is—”
“let me guess,” you interrupt, “smile more?”
he lights up, “yes! exactly.” you sigh dramatically, “this is what i get for trusting a man who printed posters in comic sans.”
“it was arial rounded – it’s friendlier,” he defends, pretending to be offended, but you can see the corner of his mouth fighting a smile. “look, honey, you called for my matchmaking service and this is where we start.”
“stop calling me that.”
“can’t. part of the process.” you roll your eyes but follow him inside anyways, the two of you swallowed by flashing lights and the hum of laughter. xiaojun looks far too pleased with himself, weaving through the crowd, pointing out random people and whispering terrible, terrible suggestions in your ear. “try that one,” he nods discreetly toward a guy leaning against the wall, “he’s giving approachable golden retriever energy.”
“xiaojun, he’s wearing a cowboy hat. i already don’t like that.”
“remember what i said before,” he nudges you towards the guy, “small talk first before you blow it up.” you sigh, squaring your shoulders, “fine. i’ll try the cowboy.”
“that’s the spirit," he says, looking proud already. you took a deep breath, mostly for show, then started walking. each step a little too deliberate, too self-aware. xiaojun, of course, trailed behind like a coach about to witness either victory or complete social collapse. the cowboy turned out to be tall, broad-shouldered, with a hat tilted just enough to suggest confidence. he introduced himself as yunho with a smirk on his lips like he’d been waiting for this moment all night. “you new around here?” he drawled, voice deep, the kind of tone that probably worked on half the campus. you blinked, “new?”
“yeah,” he said, tipping his hat, “i would’ve remembered you.” behind you, xiaojun’s whisper came through like the world’s worst earpiece, “flatter him back. guys love that.” you resisted the urge to glance at him before forcing a polite smile at yunho, “you’re…uh, very observant.”
“thanks," he said, grin widening, “it’s a gift.”
“oh god,” you muttered, just loud enough for xiaojun to sigh. yunho leaned a little closer, clearly misinterpreting your silence as shyness, “so…what’s your name, gorgeous?” you gave him your name. he said something about how it was pretty. xiaojun was beaming like a proud parent, whispering again, “okay, now ask him a question. show interest. something flirty but casual.” you inhaled sharply. fine. you could do this “so,” you said, smiling sweetly, “do you always dress like you’re about to lasso someone or is tonight special?”
꒷꒦
later that night, the crowd has thinned just enough for the air to feel breathable again. you and xiaojun have retreated to a quieter corner of the wayv frat’s backyard, string lights flickering above like they’re about to give out. “see?” he says, a little too smugly as he sips from his cup, “you survived cowboy yunho.” you give him a flat look, “barely. he called his hat a personality trait. xiaojun laughs, bright and unbothered, “hey, progress is progress, at least he didn’t walk away with an excuse this time.”
“yeah,” you muttered, “instead he spent twenty minutes telling me about the symbolism of leather.”
“that’s…conversation,” he says, trying to keep a straight face, “next time you can–” before he can finish his sentence, a girl approaches — glossy hair, easy smile and confidence that fills the space before she even speaks. she looks straight at xiaojun, cup in hand, grin sharp and sure.
“hey,” she says, leaning a little closer to be heard over the bass, “you’re xiaojun, right? i’ve seen you around.” you glance at him from the corner of your eye, expecting him to handle it. he’s charming enough, right? all talk about confidence and posture, walking into a room like he owns it. except — he doesn’t say anything. for a second too long. “oh, uh, yeah,” he stammers, “that’s…that’s me.”you take a sip of your drink to hide your smirk. she laughs softly like she finds his awkwardness endearing, “i thought so, you looked familiar. you do theater?”
“no–uh, not really. i mean, sometimes. not–uh, not officially.” you blink. what does that even mean? you’re either in theater or you’re not. but she nods, polite, still smiling, “right. well…i like your shirt.” he looks down like its the first time he’s noticed it, “oh, uh…thanks. it’s…cotton.” you almost choke on your drink. oh my god. how is he, supposed love expert, fumbling a pretty girl this badly? she giggles, mildly entertained and also at a loss for words, “that’s…nice.” the girl just smiles again, as if she’s realized she was carrying this conversation all by herself and gives a little wave before awkwardly drifting off towards the house, leaving him standing there, half-frozen, red cup still halfway to his lips. for a moment, you just watch him. he straightens, clears his throat and glances back at you like nothing happened. “anyway,” he says casually, voice a little too even, “where were we?” you tilt your head, lips twitching, but you say nothing.
he nods once, adjusting his shirt like it’s some kind of reset button, “right. eye contact, posture, confidence.” you hum, pretending to think, “mhm. got it.” he grins, just a bit too smug again — maybe trying to convince himself more than you. “see?” he says, gesturing vaguely toward the crowd, “smoothness is all about timing. gotta know when to say the right thing.” you sip your drink again, fighting the laugh that threatens to slip out. “sure,” you say evenly, “timing.” he flashes you a wink, cocky and oblivious, and turns back toward the crowd like the universe hasn’t just witnessed his catastrophic attempt at flirting. you don’t call him out. not yet. but the smirk tugging at your lips says everything.
🍯 OCTOBER 18 - A FLUKE 🍯
another night, another party. by now, you’d start recognizing the pattern — lights too bright, music too loud, drinks too cheap and xiaojun too confident for someone who’d already had two nights of failed attempts. “honey,” he said, flashing that same grin, as you walked into the dream fraternity house together, “day three, i can feel it. tonight’s the night.”
you gave him a look, “you said that yesterday.” he beamed, unbothered, “don’t doubt the expert.” you didn’t have the heart to tell him the only thing he seemed to be an expert at was public embarrassment. so for the first thirty minutes, you humored his latest “techniques” — something about “strategic proximity” and “anchoring with laughter.” you weren’t sure if he was quoting a psychology textbook or recalling something he read from twitter, but you tried. you really did. you stood near the people he pointed out. you even attempted small talk. until you couldn’t anymore.
“i need a break,” you muttered, setting your cup down. xiaojun nodded, misinterpreting it completely, “perfect. breaks create mystery. build tension. make them miss you.”
you groaned, “i’m literally just going to the bathroom.” he gave a knowing wink, “exactly. absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
you turned away before you could say something you’d regret, shaking your head as you weaved through the crowd. you didn’t even know why you were still here, still entertaining this ridiculous matchmaking experiment that had already proven itself a disaster. maybe it was the boredom. or the cheap beer. or the fact that your love life had been one long string of almosts that never went anywhere. or maybe, maybe, it was because, as stupid as this all was — xiaojun was a fun distraction from your own quiet, lonesome melancholy. he was ridiculous, sure. infuriatingly optimistic. borderline delusional about his “career.” but he made you laugh. he made you feel like things were…possible. you sighed, pushing the thought aside as you slipped down the hallway where it was quieter, a pocket of calm carved out from the chaos of the main room. the music dulled into a muffled thump, replaced by the low hum of voices and the occasional door creak. you could finally hear yourself think. maybe too much. you weren’t even halfway to the bathroom when a familiar voice called out, bright over the noise, “y/n?! hey!” you turned, blinking in surprise — kitten, mark lee’s girlfriend, was heading toward you, hand laced with his.
“hiii,” you said, smiling automatically, you weren’t expecting her to even remember you, “wow, it’s been a while. i haven’t seen you since… first year, right? that intro to film elective?” her eyes lit up with recognition, “yeah, the one with the terrible professor who always showed us his short films.”you laughed, the memory instantly resurfacing, “oh my god, right. he even had a soundtrack for each one.” mark chuckled beside her, glancing between the two of you. unlike kitten, you’d never spoken to him before. but he seemed just as easygoing as people always said he was. then kitten tilted her head, “wait, what are you doing here? i don’t think i’ve ever seen you at one of these before.”
“yeah, no, not really my scene,” you admitted, “im just…uh…here with xiaojun.”
mark’s eyebrows shot up, “xiaojun? like our xiaojun?” you nodded, trying not to react at their shared expression, “yeah. he’s, um—helping me… meet people.”
kitten’s eyes sparkled with curiosity, “helping you meet people? as in—” she leaned in, teasing, “are you guys dating?”
“oh…no,” you said quickly laughing, “nothing like that. he’s just…he said he was trying to set me up with someone.”
“ohhh,” kitten said, exchanging a look with mark. one that already made your stomach twist with suspicion.
“yeah,” you shrugged, “he mentioned he set you two up so i figured he knew what he was doing.”
that’s when it happened — they both burst out laughing. you blinked, “what? why are you laughing?” mark tried to rein it in, but it was hopeless, “oh man—he still says that?” kitten covered her mouth, giggling, “okay, wait, so, funny story. xiaojun didn’t set us up.”
“what?”
“he thought he did,” she said, “but we were already a thing before that party.” mark nodded, smiling in that soft, sheepish way that only made it worse — or better, depending on your level of secondhand embarrassment. “yeah. i get why he thinks he did, though. he introduced us ‘formally’ that night, i guess. but we’d already known each other for years. by then, i was already completely gone for her,” he glanced at his girlfriend, his smile softening. kitten met his eyes, squeezing his hand, her smile all warmth and affection. “he really was,” she said quietly, eyes soft, both of them still smiling like they were in their own little world. looking exactly like they did in the poster. you just stood there, blinking, processing.
so. xiaojun’s one and only “success story.” his proudest case study. his whole career pitch — was a fluke. you bit the inside of your cheek, trying not to laugh, “wow,” you said finally, voice even, “that’s…good to know.”
kitten nodded, still grinning. “he means well, though. he’s just…not the best at reading people sometimes. so maybe don’t take everything he says too seriously.”
“oh, don’t worry,” you said, your tone light, playful, “i think i’ve figured that out.” you excused yourself to the bathroom, your lips twitching the entire way there. the hallway seemed brighter now, maybe because you were barely holding in a laugh. you had a secret. your matchmaker wasn’t really a matchmaker at all. and now that you knew that, you weren’t planning to quit his little experiment. no. now you wanted to see just how far the expert could go before realizing his grand love enterprise was built on pure coincidence. this was going to be…fun.
🍯 OCTOBER 19 - PRACTICE STARTS NOW 🍯
you let xiaojun live in his delusion for a little more, humoring his self-appointed role as matchmaker extraordinaire. but when you woke up this morning, you’d already made a decision. if your matchmaker wasn’t really one at all…maybe it was time to test just how much of an expert he really was. so you sent him a text:
y/n: come over. we need to talk.
he showed up twenty minutes later, hair a little messy, hoodie half-zipped, backpack slung over one shoulder, expression somewhere between casual and curious. you opened the door, leaning casually against the frame, dressed in nothing but a loose tank top and a pair of cotton shorts. it wasn’t intentional, you’d just been lounging around before he came but the way he froze in the doorway told you maybe it wasn’t entirely unintentional either. his eyes widened just a fraction, a tiny glitch in his composure, before he cleared his throat and forced a grin.
“hey,” he said, pretending not to notice your lack of clothing, voice steady but a touch higher than usual, “what’s up?” you stepped aside, motioning him in. he kicked his shoes off by the door and followed you into the living room, setting his bag down and looking around before settling awkwardly at the edge of the couch, “okay,” he said, trying to sound businesslike, “what do we need to talk about?”
you crossed your arms, taking a seat from your armchair across from him, “you.” his brows furrowed, “me?” you nodded slowly, “i’ve been thinking about your…matchmaking methods.”
“ahh,” he said, brightening immediately, “constructive feedback. i’m all for that. what’d you think? too advanced for beginners?”
you gave him a flat look, “no, xiaojun. i was wondering if you can actually flirt.” that shut him up. his mouth opened, probably to say something smart, but nothing came out. his confidence faltered for the briefest second before he laughed it off, “of course i can. why would you even–”
you tilted your head, cutting him off, “because i’ve seen you with a woman.”
he blinked, “excuse me?”
“at the party,” you said plainly, “that girl who tried talking to you? you turned into an embarrassing mess.”
“okay, ouch,” he muttered, “that’s harsh.”
“am i wrong?”
he hesitated, “no. but that was…different. i wasn’t trying to flirt.” you raised an eyebrow, “then try now.” his head snapped up, “what?” you gestured to yourself, “flirt with me. show me what all your so-called techniques look like in practice.”
“now?”
“yes. unless the great campus matchmaker’s all talk.”
he huffed a laugh, straightening like he was accepting a dare, “you’re unbelievable.”
“you’re stalling,” you said, smirking, arms crossing, your breasts unintentionally pushing together. his grin flickered — quick, nervous, awkward, “fine,” he said, leaning back, trying to find that cool, unbothered tone again, “you want me to flirt? i’ll flirt.”
“go on, then.” he nodded once then he looked at you, really looked, and you could tell that his little performance faltered the second your eyes met. the silence stretched, heavy but not uncomfortable. you tilted your head, feigning innocence, though your lips curved ever so slightly, “cat got your tongue?”
his throat bobbed, “just…recalibrating my approach.” you raised an eyebrow, amused, “recalibrating, huh? sounds like an excuse to me.”xiaojun let out a breathy laugh, clearly buying time, his hand raking through his hair, “you’re not exactly making this easy,” he muttered.
“oh? i thought you were the expert.”
“i am,” he said quickly. too quickly. then softer, “but…you’re my client, this is unprofessional.”
“technically, i’m not—i haven’t paid you yet,” you leaned forward slightly, elbows on your knees, voice dipping into teasing curiosity, “so, no rules.” you weren’t letting him off the hook so easily, especially after he wasted three of your nights on false pretenses.
“how many girlfriends have you even had, anyway?”
he blinked, caught off guard, “what’s that got to do with anything?”
“just trying to gauge the experience level of my so-called professional,” you said, “because so far, you’re not exactly proving anything.” he straightened a little, pretending to think it over, “i have…enough experience,” he said finally, meeting your eyes with a mock confidence that didn’t quite reach his voice. you tilted your head, watching him squirm, “that doesn’t sound like a number.”
for a moment, the air between you shifted, not heavy, not exactly awkward, but filled with something quieter, something that hummed under the surface. he wasn’t the confident matchmaker, not right now. right now he was just a boy sitting across from you, trying a little too hard to seem unaffected. and maybe, you thought, that was why you hadn’t stopped yet. because watching him try, really try, was far more entertaining than any of his so-called lessons. under your stare, xiaojun’s facade cracked, the grin he’d been wearing faltered and a faint pink crept up the back of his neck. you studied him, waiting. he exhaled, rubbing the back of his neck, “okay, fine. you want the truth?”
“obviously.”
he groaned under his breath, then looked away, eyes darting anywhere but you, “zero.”
you blinked, surprised, “zero what?”
he sighed, running a hand through his hair, “girlfriends. i’ve had zero girlfriends, okay?”
you hummed, tilting your head, watching him squirm, “so…” you said, voice dropping slightly, “if you’ve never had a girlfriend—” you leaned forward, “—have you even touched a girl?”
his head snapped up, “what kind of question is that?”
“a valid one,” you teased, lips twitching, “c’mon xiaojun, you can barely even maintain eye contact with me right now.”
xiaojun tried to glare, but the heat rising to his ears ruined the effect, “of course i’ve—” he stopped himself, jaw clenching, then muttered, “that’s none of your business.”
you leaned in closer, smile sharpening, “so that’s a no?” he groaned, slumping back into your couch, muttering something under his breath you couldn’t quite catch. “wow,” you said with a smirk, “the legendary campus matchmaker, who’s never even held a girl properly.”
“hey,” he protested, eyes flashing up to meet yours, “i’ve held someone before.”
“what base?”
his mouth fell open, scandalized, “you’re annoying.” you grinned, rising slowly from your seat and stepping toward him, your voice soft but taunting, “maybe. but if you’re going to call yourself an expert, xiaojun…you might want to prove you’ve got at least some experience.” his breath hitched as you stopped right in front of him, your knees brushing his. then you leaned down, whispering in his ear, “have you even made a girl cum before?” his hands clenched into fists against his knees, throat working as he looked up at you, caught somewhere between awe and panic. you could almost see the wheels turning in his head, trying to calculate the right response, the right move, but coming up completely blank. the confidence he wore like armor was cracking and maybe that’s what you’d been waiting for — the truth behind all his theatrics.
“you’re quiet,” you said softly, stepping back just enough to let him breathe, “what’s wrong, matchmaker?”
xiaojun swallowed, a nervous laugh catching in his throat, “you really like putting people on the spot, huh?”
you tilted your head, “only when they pretend to be something they’re not.” that landed. his expression faltered again, the grin slipping just enough for you to catch the embarrassment flicker behind it. but he didn’t look away this time. he met your gaze and there was something steady there now — not confidence exactly, but something closer to honesty, like he’s finally given up playing the role, “you’re right,” he said quietly, a beat later, “i’m not good at this.”
that admission hung between you, heavier than you expected. it stripped the air of all its noise, leaving only the faint hum of the city outside and the sound of his uneven breathing. you leaned back slightly, studying him, “then why did you play matchmaker? why did you act like you have all the answers?”
he let out a small breath, shoulders slumping, “because i like helping people figure things out…even if i can’t,” he trailed off, then smiled weakly, “it reminds me that love’s real. even if i haven’t…felt it yet.” something in you softened at that. maybe it was the way his voice had gone small, or the sincerity that replaced his usual smirk. whatever it was, it pulled you closer — metaphorically, and then, without realizing it, physically. you found yourself stepping forward again, until your knees brushed his once more. his breath hitched, eyes flickering up to meet yours, and for a long, fragile second, neither of you moved. then you smiled, not sharp this time, not teasing, just small, knowing, “guess even experts need practice sometimes,” you murmured. he laughed, low and nervous, the tension curling between you again like static before a storm, “guess they do,” he said. and though you didn’t say it, both of you knew the game had changed.
“you never answered my question,” you said, voice dropping to a husky murmur that cut through the charged silence like a spark, the tension in the air changing. the power dynamic shifting. xiaojun gulped audibly, his adam’s apple bobbing as he stared up at you, eyes wide with a mix of trepidation and that lingering spark of curiosity, “what question?” he managed, his words tumbling out in a rush, barely above a whisper. you leaned in closer, your breath warm against his ear, repeating the words with deliberate slowness, letting them hang heavy in the air, “have you ever made a girl cum?” he started to sweat then. you could see the faint sheen gathering at his temples, his collar suddenly too tight as he shifted in his seat. his hands fidgeted against his thighs, fingers twisting the fabric of his pants and his gaze darted away for a split second before snapping back to yours, trapped, “i…i think so?” the uncertainty laced his voice like a confession, raw and unpolished, his cheeks flushing a deeper red under the dim city lights filtering through the window.
you smirked, the expression curling your lips as you straightened up just enough to tower over him, enjoying the way his body tensed in anticipation, “that’s a no.” the words landed like a gentle slap. he winced, but there was no malice in it — only the truth. peeling back another layer of his facade. you watched him for a moment, the hum of distant traffic underscoring the rapid thump of his pulse you could almost feel echoing between you. his vulnerability was intoxicating, a crack in the armor that invited you to press further, to guide him where his bravado had failed. then it hit you, a sudden clarity lighting up your thoughts like a bulb flickering on in the dark. you reached out, your fingers lightly tracing the line of his jaw, tilting his chin up so he had no choice but to meet your eyes, “okay, matchmaker,” you said, your tone shifting to something more inviting, seductive, “i’ll help you…practice starts now.”
his breath caught sharply, eyes darkening as the implication sank in, the air between you thickening with unspoken possibilities. the city outside faded to a distant murmur, leaving only the two of you in this intimate bubble. you eased yourself down onto the other end of the couch, the cushions dipping slightly under your weight as you turned your body toward him, back rested on the armrest, legs parting just enough to let your knees angle upward, pointing towards the ceiling, your pajama shorts hitching up, exposing the smooth skin of your thighs and an inch of your ass. you let your posture settle into something relaxed yet inviting, gaze locked on xiaojun's face to watch every flicker of reaction. he coughed, the sound rough and abrupt, breaking the heavy quiet as his eyes widened, “what—what do you mean?” his voice cracked on the words, hands gripping the edge of the cushion like it was the only thing keeping him grounded, his chest rising and falling too quickly.
you smirked, the expression slow and deliberate, loving the way you held all the power in this moment — the way his nervousness fed into your confidence, making the air between you pulse with heat. you let your fingers trail idly along the hem of your shorts, “if you want to, then you can touch me,” you said, your tone low and steady, parting your legs a little wider. the motion was subtle at first, then more pronounced, drawing his gaze downward to the space between your thighs, where the faint outline of your panties hinted at the warmth waiting there.
“what?” he stammered, his breath hitching as his eyes snapped back to yours, then darted down again, unable to resist. sweat beaded along his hairline and he shifted uncomfortably, his pants tightening visibly at the crotch as arousal warred with his nerves.
“you heard me,” you replied, your voice a soft command, you didn’t move to close your legs, instead letting them stay open, the invitation clear and unapologetic.
xiaojun’s throat worked visibility, swallowing hard, his fingers twitching against his thighs. he looked like he was fighting an internal battle, part of him frozen in place, the other inching toward surrender, “i…i don’t know if i—” he started but the words faltered, his gaze lingering longer this time, tracing the curve of your inner thighs.
you tilted your head, smirk deepening as you watched him, the tension coiling tighter with every second he hesitated. your own pulse quickened, a low throb building between your legs, but you kept your composure, letting the silence stretch, forcing him to fill it with his own desire, “it’s okay to want this,” you murmured, your hand drifting to rest on your knee, fingers brushing the skin there lightly, “—you’ve been talking a big game about love and connection. show me you mean it. touch me, xiaojun. feel what it’s like to make someone feel good.” his eyes darkened, pupils blown wide as he licked his lips, the nervousness in his expression cracking under the weight of temptation. he leaned forward slightly as if testing the waters. the air felt thicker, charged, every breath you took syncing with his, drawing him in like a magnet. you could see the bulge in his pants straining more now, the fabric tenting unmistakably and a soft hum escaped your throat, encouraging without words.
“don’t make me wait,” you whispered, parting your legs just a fraction more, the motion exposing the dampening spot on your shorts, “practice means getting your hands on me.”
that did it. his resolve shattered like glass, a low groan rumbling from his chest as he finally moved, scooting closer across the couch, his body drawn toward yours, the distance between you vanishing inch by inch until his heat radiated from him, eyes fixed on the space between your legs with a mix of awe and desperation. you reached out, taking his hand in yours, his fingers trembling slightly, warm and slightly clammy from nerves, and guided it slowly toward your inner thigh, letting his fingertips brush the soft skin there first.
“start here,” you instructed, sliding his hand higher until his palm rested against the damp fabric of your thin cotton shorts. he gasped at the contact, his fingers flexing instinctively, but he waited for your lead, breath coming in short bursts, “feel how wet i already am? that’s because of you, xiaojun. now take it off and slide one finger — slowly, up and down. get me even wetter.”
“o-okay,” he stammered, voice barely above a whisper, you lifted your hips as he carefully tugged your shorts and panties off then his index finger traced the length of your folds with tentative strokes. the sensation sent a shiver through you, your pussy clenching in anticipation as his touch grew bolder, coating his digit in your slickness. you watched his face, the way his lips parted cheeks flushing deeper as felt the heat radiating from your core.
“that’s it,” you murmured, praising him softly, “good boy, just like that — keep going, rub a little firmer now, circle my clit with your fingertip. feel how it swells under your touch?”
“it’s…so warm,” xiaojun breathed out, eyes glued to where his hand worked between your thighs, his free hand gripping the couch cushion so tightly his knuckles whitened. he circled your clit as directed, the pressure building a delicious ache inside you, a soft moan escaping your lips, encouraging him further. he shifted his hips, a low whimper building in his throat as he watched your pussy lips part slightly, glistening under his touch, “am i…doing it right?”
to pull him deeper into the moment, you grabbed the hem of your tank top and peeled it off over your head, tossing it aside. your breasts spilled free, nipples already peaked from the arousal humming through you. you cupped them in your hands, squeezing gently, thumbs flicking over the stiff peaks as you arched your back slightly. xiaojun’s gaze snapped up immediately, his movements faltering for a second as he stared, utterly transfixed, mouth agape, breath hitching like he’d forgotten how to function. you looked like every single video he touched himself to and it was driving him absolutely insane. meanwhile, the way his eyes darkened, pupils blown wide, made your core throb harder — knowing you had him hooked completely.
“add two fingers now,” you directed, your hips rocking subtly to meet his hand, one palm still kneading your breast, “push them inside me, curl them upward toward my belly. fuck me with them slow and deep.” his middle and index fingers joined, sliding into your tight heat with a wet sound that made him groan, his face inches from your lap now, breath fanning hot against your skin. but his eyes kept darting back to your chest, watching as you rolled your nipples between your fingers, tugging just enough to draw another moan from your throat.
“l-like this?” he asked, voice cracking as he pumped them in and out, curling as you said, hitting that spot that made you dizzy. you gripped his wrist lightly, guiding the rhythm, “yes, just like that — now make it three fingers. stretch me wider, thrust them all in deep.” he obeyed instantly, adding his ring finger, the added girth making you gasp as your walls stretched around him, slick sounds growing louder with each plunge, “god, you’re so tight…i can feel you squeezing,” he muttered, nodding frantically, sweat trickling down his temple as he drove all three digits deeper, his thumb accidentally brushing your clit in the process.
his cock throbbed painfully in his jeans, pre-cum soaking through the fabric in a dark spot and he rutted subtly against the couch edge, chasing friction without thinking. watching you — breasts bouncing slightly with each thrust of his hand, nipples glistening from your own touches, thighs quivering, pushed him to the brink, his balls tightening as arousal coiled low in his gut.
“back to two now,” you commanded breathlessly, the shift making your pussy flutter at the change in pressure, “pull one out and focus — curl those two harder, faster.”
“are you…are you gonna cum?” he asked, his voice thick with desperation, eyes flicking between your heaving chest and the way your pussy gripped his fingers, his pace quickening as he adjusted to two digits again, pumping them with renewed determination.
“i will if you keep going like this,” you replied, locking eyes with him, your hand abandoning your breast to brace against the couch as the pleasure built sharper, “don’t stop — rub my clit in circles while you fuck me — you’re such a good boy, xiaojun, learning so quick — make me cum on your fingers,” praise spilled from your lips like honey, and he doubled his efforts, thumb pressing and swirling over your swollen numb while his two fingers curled and thrusted relentlessly inside you.
“i…i want to make you feel good,” he panted, his voice thick with need, gaze locked on your face as your expression twisted in pleasure, still stealing glances at your exposed tits rising and falling with your ragged breaths. the tension snapped like a rubber band, your orgasm crashing over you in wave.
“fuck, fuck, yes—i’m cumming for you!” you cried out, back arching off the couch as you tightened around him, thighs clamping around his arm, holding him in place as you rode the high, juices dripping down his palm, your breasts jiggling with the force of your shudders.
xiaojun watched in awe and it undid him completely, “oh shit…you’re cumming….on my fingers,” he groaned, a choked moan tearing from his throat as his cock jerked violently in his pants — hot spurts of cum flooding his underwear, soaking through the material. he froze, fingers still buried deep inside you, his face a mask of overwhelmed ecstasy and embarrassment, hips bucking weakly as he emptied himself without a single touch, utterly lost in watching you fall apart.
as the waves of your orgasm ebbed, you slowly released your thighs from around his arm, pussy still fluttering with aftershocks around his buried fingers. you eased them out gently, a trail of your wetness stringing between his hand and your folds, glistening in the dim light of the room. xiaojun’s chest heaved, his face flushed crimson, eyes wide and dazed as he stared at his soaked fingers, then up at you — your breasts still bare and heaving, nipples taut from the intensity. he swallowed hard, voice hoarse and shaky, “i…i didn’t mean to…it just happened, watching you like that…” his gaze dropped to the dark stain spreading across his pants, embarrassment mixing in with the lingering bliss in his expression. he shifted awkwardly, the sticky warmth in his underwear making him wince.
you chuckled softly, a teasing lilt in your voice as you sat up straighter, grabbing your shirt from the floor and putting it back on, “aww, look at you — messy in all the right ways. but hey, mission accomplished on your end too, huh? though next time, maybe we’ll aim for something a little less…contained.” xiaojun’s cheeks burned hotter, but a shy, crooked smile tugged at his lips, handing you back your underwear, “y-yeah? you mean…there’s a next time?” you didn’t answer him. instead you leaned in close, breath warm against his ear, whispering with a playful smirk, “there, now you’ve made one girl cum — properly,” before leaning back, eyes glinting with mischief, “not so bad for a so-called fraud, xiaojun.”
🍯 OCTOBER 24 - THE PROPOSAL 🍯
it’s been four days since xiaojun felt both turned on and humiliated. he never expected you’d call him out on his bullshit. for god’s sake, you weren’t supposed to be better at him. he made those posters for the ones who aren’t getting laid, who doesn’t know how to talk to boys — not the ones who knew exactly what they wanted. but still…you called. you were still desperate enough to call. so now, he’s here, knocking on your door, an idea brewing in his mind. “xiaojun?” you look at him with curious eyes. you haven’t talked since that night on your couch and you weren’t even sure if there was any more you should discuss. he walked in without your permission, pacing on your floor as you shut your door, “oh-kay, come on in.”
“i admit! i’m not a matchmaker or a love expert!,” he blurts out. you looked at him, deadpanned, “yeah, i know, that’s what we concluded last time.”
“but you still called,” he pointed out. you crossed your arms, waiting. “you still called my number on that stupid poster…so you’re not exactly the expert either!”
“i never claimed to be one,” you pointed out.
“let’s continue.”
“what?!,” you snap, eyes wide, “xiaojun, you just said you don’t know what you’re doing! and i’m tired of embarrassing myself with your ‘techniques!’,” you quoted in the air.
“okay then you don’t have to do them,” he says, making you even more confused. “look,” he starts, “i might not know how to flirt but i do have…connections. i know a lot of people and i’ll introduce you to them, you can do your thing, and see which one makes for the best boyfriend.”
you sigh, “and what…you still expect me to pay you for helping me meet people? because i can do that on a dating app…for free.” he stopped pacing, turning toward you with that same mix of frustration and stubborn pride that always preceded his worst ideas, “no,” he said, shaking his head, “not like that. i’m not asking you to pay me anymore.”
you arched an eyebrow, “then what are you asking for?” he hesitated, hands shoved into his pockets, jaw working like he was chewing on the words, “i’ll…i’ll help you find someone. introduce to you people who fit what you’re looking for. but in exchange–” he met your gaze then, steady and a little too intense, “—you teach me.”
you blinked, “teach you?”
he nodded once, “how to be a good lover.”
you let that sit there for a second, staring at him, trying to decide whether he was joking or insane, “...you want me to teach you…how to be a lover?”
“yeah,” he said quickly, defensive, “the perfect one, actually. so when i do meet someone, i won’t screw it up.” you laughed, a small, incredulous sound, “xiaojun, that is the most ridiculous thing you’ve said yet. and that’s saying something.”
he threw his hands up, “you said it yourself — i’m a fraud, right? so let me actually learn something. you clearly know what you’re doing,” his eyes flicked to you, the memory of exactly what you’d done to him still written all over his face, “you know how to make people…feel things.”
you raised an eyebrow, enjoying the way his voice faltered around the last two words, “and what? i’m supposed to turn you into some kind of dream boyfriend? fix your technique, your confidence, your sex drive, your—whatever this is?”
“yes.”
you exhaled through a laugh, leaning back against your door, “wow. you’re serious.”
“completely,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “think of it like…a trade. you get your boyfriend. and i get to stop being a walking embarrassment.” the proposal was absurd, yes, but there was something undeniably entertaining about it. watching him try to reclaim his dignity was endearing in the most chaotic way possible. you sighed, crossing your arms. “and how do you propose we even start this lesson plan?”
he looked thoughtful for a moment, like he was trying to piece together a real plan but mostly stalling, “well, i figured you’d know what a perfect boyfriend looks like since you’re looking for one.”
“oh, of course,” you said dryly, “because i’m an expert in perfect relationships.”
he smirked faintly, recovering some of his usual charm, “you’re definitely better at it than i am.”
that earned a laugh from you, “fair.” then, because curiosity was always your downfall, you asked, “alright then, what’s your end goal? you want to learn how to talk to girls? how to please them? how to hold their hand without combusting?”
he gave a sheepish smile, “all of the above?”
you exhaled through your nose, pushing off the door, “fine,” you said, and his head snapped up. “we’ll do it. but—” you held up a finger when he started to speak, “—if you’re asking me to teach you how to be a lover, you do exactly what i say. no arguing. no weird theories. got it?”
his lips curved into a small, crooked grin, “got it.”
you eyed him, still skeptical, “you realize this means i’m in charge now.”
he gave a mock salute, “yes, ma’am.”
you shook your head, amused despite yourself, “don’t call me ma’am.” he chuckled, and for a second, that familiar warmth, the one that made everything between you feel like a dare, sparked back to life, “and this time” you said, crossing your arms with a smirk, “class is going to be very… hands-on.”
🍯 OCTOBER 25 - THE FIRST LESSON 🍯
the bass from the speakers thumped through the crowded wayv house, bodies packed tight in the dim living room, red solo cups sloshing with cheap beer. laughter and shouts cut through the haze of smoke and perfume, the air thick with that party vibe. here you were, with xiaojun, weaving through the crowd, that sheepish grin on his face, his hand brushing yours as he pulled you toward a cluster of guys near the makeshift bar, your skirt flowing with every step.
“this is wooyoung,” xiaojun said, nodding at the handsome, sharp-featured guy with tousled hair and a mysterious smile, his button-up shirt half untucked like he’d just rolled out of a rehearsal. wooyoung extended a hand, his grip firm, eyes locking onto yours with a spark of interest that made your pulse tick. he was charming right off the bat, witty banter about the party’s lame playlist, a quick story about some theater mishap that had everyone chuckling. he leaned in close when he laughed, his cologne subtle and warm and for a minute, you thought maybe xiaojun had actually scored. but then he started name-dropping every indie movie you’d never heard of, his enthusiasms veering into that pretentious territory that grated like nails on chalkboard. another thing you couldn’t stand: people who acted like their taste in movies was better than everyone else’s — boredom settled in fast, your smile turning polite as you nodded along. after a few more exchanged, you excused yourself with a casual wave, leaving wooyoung mid-sentence, his brows furrowing in confusion. xiaojun caught up to you by the kitchen island, his expression a mix of hope and nerves, “so? what’d you think?”
you shrugged, sipping from your cup to hid the smirk, “he’s great, but that whole obscure indie obsession? hard pass. feels like he’s trying too hard to act different.”
xiaojun’s shoulders slumped a fraction, but you didn’t let the moment drag, leaning in, your voice dropped low, teasing, “anyways, let’s focus on something else, like…your first official lesson…are you gonna show me to your room or are we gonna mope around all evening?”
his eyes widened, a flush creeping up his neck as he glanced around the party. the vulnerability from yesterday flickered back, but he nodded quickly, muttering something about upstairs. you followed him through the chaos, hand in his, up the crowded stairs, past doors, until he pushed open one at the end of the hall. his room was a typical frat mess — clothes draped over a chair, a bed shoved against the window with blinds half-drawn, city lights filtering in. the door clicked shut and before he could say a word, you backed him against it, your hands fisting his shirt as you pulled him down into a kiss. his lips met yours tentatively at first and you thought you might also have to give him kissing tips but then something shifted — he angled his head, tongue sliding against yours with a surprising confidence, slow and deep, like he’d been holding back a secret skill. heat pooled low in your belly as his hands settled on your hips, pulling you closer, the kiss turning hungry, breaths mingling in the quiet space.
you broke it just enough to murmur against his mouth, “you’re a surprisingly good kisser, xiaojun. where’d you learn that?” he chuckled breathlessly, fingers tightening on your waist, “you really don’t care about the people in this school, do you?”
you pulled back slightly, arching a brown, your hand trailing down his chest, “what does that have to do with anything?” his gaze dropped, a shy grin tugging at his lips, “i’m a theater kid, been in plays since freshman year, kissing scenes are basically mandatory practice.”
laughter bubbled out of you, light and mocking as you shoved him toward his bed, “makes sense why you’re such a loser when it comes to girls…all stage kisses and no real action.” he stumbled back onto the mattress, eyes darkening with that mix of embarrassment and arousal as you followed, straddling his lap, “hey, not fair,” he protested weakly, stopping himself from touching you.
you noticed, “stop being so afraid to touch me,” you said, guiding his hand up your thighs. he nods, finally allowing his hands to roam free, bunching up your skirt, “good. now kiss me again,” you ordered, crashing your lips back to his. the makeout reignited fast, tongues tangling, your hips grinding down against the growing bulge in his jeans. his breaths came ragged, one hand slowly sliding up to cup your breast through your top, testing. you moaned into his mouth and he continued, thumb circling your nipple until it hardened. but you weren’t here to just make out. pushing him flat on the bed, you slid down his body, lips trailing kisses down his jaw, his neck, tasting the salt of his skin until your hands were working his belt open with deliberate slowness. he watched, chest heaving, eyes wide, as you tugged his jeans and boxers down just enough to free his cock — already hard, tip glistening with pre-cum. you couldn’t help but bite your lip. it twitched under your gaze and you wrapped your fingers around the base, giving a firm stroke that made him hiss.
“lesson time,” you said, voice husky as you leaned in, tongue flicking out to lap at the head, tasting the saltiness. his hips bucked slightly, a groan escaping him. you took him into your mouth slowly, lips stretching around his thickness, sucking gently as you bobbed down further, hollowing your cheeks. he was hot and heavy on your tongue, pulsing as your worked him deeper. but of course this wasn’t just a regular blowjob. though you couldn’t deny, how much you were getting lost in it. you were observing him. his reactions. and after a minute of nothing from him but quiet grunts you pulled off with a wet pop. you looked up at him, hand pumping his shaft steadily—
“girls like it when you praise them, xiaojun. tell them how good they feel, how pretty they look with your cock in their mouth. makes us wet, makes us want to please you more. and grab our hair — guide us, but not too rough unless we ask. like this—” to demonstrate, you took him back in, sucking harder, your free hand guiding his to your hair. he hesitated for a second, then threaded his fingers through the strands, gripping lightly as you set a rhythm, up and down, tongue swirling around the underside, saliva dripping down your fist.
“fuck,” he breathed, voice strained, “that feels…you’re so good at this. god, your mouth–”
“better,” you mumbled around him, popping off again to instruct, “but don’t force it, say my name, or just be louder with your groans, or something like ‘you’re making me feel so good. suck it just like that.’ try it.”
he nods, hand tightening in your hair, guiding you back down as he rasped, “—feels so good honey, just like that—shit—keep going, please,” the praise rumbled from him, tentative at first but gaining heat, his lips lifting to meet your mouth. you hummed around him in approval, the vibration drawing a whimper from him and took him deeper, throat relaxing to swallow around his length.
“and when you grab hair,” you continued after another teasing suck, your words muffled as you stroked him, “pull a little if she’s into it. shows you want it. practice on me.”
he obeyed, fingers tugging your hair just enough to send a thrill through you, his voice rougher now, “y-you look so fucking hot right now…with my cock down your throat—don’t stop—f-feels amazing,” he thrusts shallowly and you let him, gagging softly as you deepthroated him, nose brushing his pelvis. saliva slicked your chin, the room filling with wet sounds and his mounting moans.
you kept the lesson going, pulling back to swirl your tongue around the head while pumping him fast, “good boy, see? girls love hearing how they’re driving you crazy. makes us grind against nothing just thinking about it. now tell me im the best while i make you cum.”
his grip firmed, eyes locked on yours, wild and desperate, “y-youre the best—fuck, i’m close. your mouth is perfect—gonna cum if you keep—” the words broke into a groan as you sucked hard, taking him all one last time. he shattered, hips jerking as hot spurts filled your mouth, cum spilling over your tongue. you swallowed around him, milking every drop until he slumped back, panting, hand loosening in your hair.
wiping your mouth with the back of your hand, you crawled up beside him, smirking at his dazed expression, “now, do you want to see what you did to me?” he turned his head, swallowing hard, his chest still rising and falling in uneven breaths, eyes still glazed from his release, “please…can i touch you again? make you cum again?”
a grin spread across your lips, slow and wicked as your arched a brow at his eagerness, “well, aren’t you an ace student after all?” he flushed but didn’t look away, his hand reaching out to rest on your hip, thumb brushing the hem of your skirt, “i just want to make sure i learned something from last time. please? i want to feel you like that again.”
you shifted closer, letting your thigh drape over his, the heat between your legs pulsing, “you want to finger me again? prove you paid attention?”
his eyes lit up with that eager nervousness and he nodded, sitting up a bit as your rolled on your back, “okay, show me what you got,” your fingers moved to the buttons of your cute button-up top, slowly undoing them one by one, the soft fabric parting to reveal the swell of your breasts, lace bra peeking through until you shrugged it open completely, leaving you in your skirt. the cool air hits your skin, nipples hardening instantly as you let the top fall aside, exposing yourself to his heated gaze.
his hand slid up your inner thigh, pushing your skirt higher, fingers finding your panties already damp, “god, you’re so wet already,” he murmured, voice husky, before hooking the fabric aside, exposing your slick folds. he exhaled sharply at the sight then pressed two fingers against your entrance, sliding them in slow, testing the wetness that coated him immediately.
“that’s it,” you moaned at the initial stretch, voice high and approving as you spread your legs wider, giving him full access. there was no step by step guide this time. his touch was surer than before, curling those fingers just right, stroking that spot inside that made your hips lift off the bed. he pumped steadily, thumb finding your clit and circling it with gentle pressure, drawing a soft moan from your throat. he glanced up, lips parting, “can i…can i suck on your nipples too? i want to taste you everywhere.”
you nodded, threading your fingers through his hair to guide him down, “go ahead, i’m all yours.”
something about that made his cock twitch again but before he could focus on the affect those words had on him, he dipped his head, mouth latching onto one nipple, tongue flicking over the hard peak before he sucked, pulling it between his lips with a wet pull that sent sparks straight to your core, “like this?” he whispered against your skin, breath hot as his fingers kept working inside you, thrusting deeper now, the squelch of your arousal filling the room as he switched to the other breast, teeth grazing lightly before soothing with broad licks.
“fuck, yes—just like that,” you praised, arching into his mouth, your free hand gripping the sheets. he hummed against your skin, the vibration adding to the building heat, his pace quickening as he felt your walls clench around his digits, “so good xiaojun—feels amazing—keep sucking, harder, please—”
please. he likes that. he likes that a lot. he groaned, drawing your nipple in deeper, fingers scissoring inside you, stretching and rubbing until your thighs trembled. the pressure coiled tight in your belly, breaths coming in gasps as he alternated between your breasts, saliva glistening on your skin from his eager mouth, “so hot like this,” he gasped, “pussy dripping all over my hand—so perfect—i’m gonna make you cum so hard,” he promised, thrusts growing firmer, thumb pressing your clit in firm circles.
“oh–fuck–” your words drowned out as you completely shattered under his hands, back arching as the orgasm ripped through you. hard. your pussy pulsed around his fingers, juices soaking his palm as you cried out, waves of pleasure taking over. he didn’t stop, riding out with slow strokes and soft sucks until you slumped back, panting, pulling him up for a messy kiss.
“you’re getting the hang of it,” you whispered against his lips.
“so i did okay?” he asked breathlessly, eyes searching yours, a shy smile tugging at his mouth as he licked his lips.
“yes,” you murmured, voice husky with satisfaction as you cupped his face, thumbs brushing his flushed cheeks, “you did more than okay.” his eyes widened slightly, that shy smile blooming into something brighter and more confident.
🍯 OCTOBER 27 - OH 🍯
the library is your place — the one corner of campus where nobody bothers you, nobody stares, nobody tries to flirt with you while drunk on cheap beer. it smells like books, highlighters and the quiet whir of brain cells dying from overstudying. you were halfway down the aisle labeled forensics/psychology/crime, balancing a stack of case files against your hip when you spotted him. you almost pretended not to see him but xiaojun turned that exact moment and the two of you froze like a scene from a low-budget movie. he blinked first, “...oh,” he said, voice echoing too loudly for the silence around you, “hi.”
you raised an eyebrow, “hi,” then, because you never expected to see him here, “what are you doing here?”
“studying,” he said simply. you stared at him. he stared back. his hair was slightly messy, like he’d run his fingers through it one too many times. he had sheet music tucked under one arm and pencil tucked behind his ear. “you?” he asked.
“research,” you held up your books – bloodstain patterns, offender profiling, a neatly tabbed courtroom forensics binder. the usual. “you know, light reading.”
he grinned at that — that wide, bright, boyish grin he couldn’t hold back even if he tried, “of course, nothing says relaxing like,” he walked over to you, reading the title of the book on the top of your stack, “high-impact trauma analysis,” he grinned.
you rolled your eyes, “are you making fun of me?”
“never,” he said but his mouth twitched like he wanted to laugh, then, “it’s cute.”
you opened your mouth to say something, you weren’t sure what, but he moved before you did, reaching out and sliding your entire stack of books out of your arms and into his like he’d been planning it all along. not clumsy. not flustered. just smooth — in this effortless, unthinking way that made your brain short-circuit. you blinked, “what are you doing?”
“being chivalrous,” he said, already adjusting the stack against his chest, “obviously.” you stared at him as he turned, walking towards an open table. he didn’t ask if you should sit together. he just assumed. and somehow —it didn’t bother you at all. by the time you caught up, he’d already set your books down gently. you dropped into the chair across from him, studying him over the rim of your binder. because something was…different. he wasn’t flustered. he wasn’t shy. he wasn’t tripping over his own charm like he usually did. he was just…natural. he tapped the corner of your top book with his finger, “so, what’s today’s murder?”
you narrowed your eyes, “you really want to know?”
“yep,” he said cheerfully, “i’m invested.” he pulled out one of the books, and you watched him flip a page. the sunlight from the window hit him at an angle, dust particles drifting lazily around his head like a halo he absolutely didn’t deserve. but he looked warm. grounded. settled.
you squinted at him, confused, “are you…using one of your flirting techniques with me right now? ”
he didn’t even look up, “huh? no. why?”
you paused. that…was not the answer you’d expected. “because,” you said slowly, leaning forward, “you’re being…smooth.”
he blinked once. twice, “i’m literally sitting.”
“yeah,” you said, frowning slightly, “but you grabbed my books.”
“your hands were full.”
“and you made a joke.”
“i make jokes all the time.”
you stared harder. he stared back, more confused than ever. then the realization hit you — quiet but certain. he wasn’t performing. he wasn’t trying to impress you or anyone around. he wasn’t deploying one of his so-called matchmaking techniques. this was just…him. xiaojun. comfortable. at ease. unguarded. around you. your breath stilled for half a second. oh.
he tilted his head innocently, “did i do something wrong?”
you felt your lips twitch, softer than you intended, “no. no, you didn’t.”
he relaxed, tapping his pencil lightly against the table, “good. i thought maybe i overstepped a boundary or something.”
you shook your head. because for the first time, you saw it clearly — when he’s not pretending to be the campus matchmaker or scrambling under the weight of your teasing — he’s actually…charming. effortlessly. and he doesn’t even know it. you opened your binder, pretending to read, though you weren’t absorbing a single word, “just…keep doing what you’re doing.”
“what am i doing?” he asked, genuinely puzzled.
you glanced up at him — the easy grin, the bright eyes, the relaxed posture, “being comfortable,” you said before you could stop yourself.
his grin softened. “yeah,” he said quietly, nudging your foot under the table without looking up, “i am.” and somehow, that felt bigger than anything he’d said before.
the comfortable silence fell over the both of you like a warm blanket, soft and steady, wrapping itself around the table. it wasn’t awkward — it was familiar, almost intimate, the kind of silence born only from people who feel safe around each other. you could see his shoulders relax, your knees brushing just barely under the desk.
“okay,” he declared suddenly, breaking the small pocket of quiet that had formed between you. he leaned closer and tapped a giant blood-spatter diagram inside your book, his nose scrunching as he studied the droplets, “i need you to walk me through… whatever the hell this is.”
you raised an eyebrow, already amused. “blood distribution velocity.”
he blinked at you, “cool. what?” you slid the book toward you and flipped it open with the kind of practiced familiarity that only comes from having done it a thousand times before. it landed perfectly on a page full of arrows, impact labels, and meticulously drawn droplets. xiaojun scooted closer without hesitation, forearms on the table, chin propped on one hand like a kid being read a bedtime story he was unexpectedly invested in. “explain,” he said simply.
you tried, unsuccessfully, to keep the spark of excitement out of your voice, “fine,” you murmured, tapping the page, “low impact is basically passive drips, like from a wound. medium is from force—blunt objects, movement, impact. and high velocity…” you paused long enough to watch his face, “that’s usually from gunshots.” he let out a quiet, awed “whoa,” eyes widening in a way that should not have been as endearing as it was. but it was. his fascination had a softness to it, like he wasn’t asking for the sake of asking. he was actually interested.
then he straightened, pointing at one of the diagrams. “this one looks… pretty?”
you stared at him, “…that’s arterial spray.”
“okay, not pretty,” he corrected immediately, holding up a hand, “but like—interesting pretty.”
despite yourself, you laughed — a soft, startled sound you weren’t planning to let out. his head snapped up instantly at the sound, pride blooming across his face like you’d handed him a trophy. he grinned, flipping to the next page with the bright curiosity of someone digging through secrets, “okay, what’s this?”
“it’s scene reconstruction,” you leaned in, close enough to feel the ghost of his warmth, “the arrows show direction, movement, struggle—”
“oh,” he said, and there it was again, the spark in his eyes, the way they lit up when something clicked, “so it’s kind of like blocking.”
you blinked, “blocking?”
“movement on stage,” he explained, immediately switching into animated theatre-kid mode, hands tracing invisible paths in the air, “like how you figure out where everyone was, where they went, how they interacted. same thing. you’re mapping behavior.”
you stared at him, surprised he’d managed to connect the two so quickly, and correctly, “…yeah,” you admitted, slowly, impressed despite yourself, “exactly like that.”
he beamed at you, absolutely pleased with himself for bridging the worlds of forensic science and musical theater in under ten seconds. it should’ve been ridiculous. it wasn’t. it just felt strangely natural. “see?” he nudged your book with his knuckle, “we’re both detectives.”
“no,” you said, “i’m a detective. you’re a drama queen with a metronome.”
he gasped, a hand flying to his chest, “i’ll have you know I’m the backbone of the performing arts program.”
“you keep proving my point.” you realized you were smiling — genuinely, softly, without thinking. he flipped to another page, pretending to examine a diagram of cast-off patterns like he understood half of what he was looking at. after a moment, you asked, almost casually, “so why music anyway?”
he didn’t hesitate. didn’t get shy. didn’t puff himself up like he was giving some dramatic monologue. he just looked at you, soft and matter-of-fact, and said, “it’s the only thing that makes sense.”
you blinked. “makes sense?”
“yeah.” he shrugged lightly, the pencil behind his ear bobbing with the movement, “everything else feels like noise. music doesn’t.”
you paused, caught off guard by the ease of it — how he said it like he wasn’t revealing anything big, like it was the simplest truth in the universe. “it’s like…” he continued, tapping lightly on the table to some rhythm only he knew, “when i’m singing or, you know, trying to survive music theory without crying, it feels like my brain finally lines up. like it knows what to do. like—” he searched for the word, eyebrows knitting, “like i belong there.” you didn’t expect that answer. or the way it warmed something low in your stomach. not because it was emotional. but because it was honest in the most casual way — the kind that slips out when someone isn’t trying to impress you. he glanced back at his music sheet, “everything else is messy and confusing. but music? it just…makes sense.”
you watched him for a second. the sunlight catching on the side of his face. the relaxed curve of his shoulders. the way he didn’t seem embarrassed about saying something real. and for once, you didn’t tease him. you just said, “yeah. i can see that.”
he smiled — not big, not dramatic, but small and lopsided, the kind of smile that crept in when he didn’t know he was doing it. and that smile, that quiet little thing, made something flip in your stomach. you hadn’t realized it but the comfort between you had been growing slowly until it was easy. just like this.
he was flipping through your binder again, humming absentmindedly, when he stopped and squinted at a highlighted case summary in the margins, “oh my god,” he whispered, leaning closer, “please tell me this isn’t real.” you glanced over. the cheese theft case. he read it out loud under his breath, eyes widening, “a 63 year old man has been arrested after stealing 300,000 euros worth of cheddar,” he looked up at you like he’d witnessed a religious vision, “why did he need that much?” you smirked, finding his curiosity amusing, then he leaned in again, excitement bubbling. “okay, serious question—if you were gonna steal something weird, what would it be?”
“i would never!” you say almost incredulously, but the slight tremble in your voice gave you away.
xiaojun grinned, “ohhhh, you totally would,” he said. “but i already know what you’d steal.”
you squinted, “what do you mean—”
“you’d probably rob victoria’s secret,” he declared proudly, “and take all their lace bras.”
your jaw dropped. completely. like a cartoon character, “what— why— WHAT DO YOU MEAN—”
he shrugged, unbearably casual, and leaned his chin into his palm, “you somehow always have the nicest pairs on.”
your entire body short-circuited, “I— whAT–”
he tilted his head, smirking like he’d found his new favorite sport, “you think i haven’t noticed?”
your face went hot. very hot. “oh my god, xiaojun” you whispered, “shut up
“what?” he asked innocently. too innocently. “it’’s a compliment.”
“it’s invasive!”
“it’s observational,” he corrected, “i take our lessons very seriously.”
you refused to combust alone. so you snapped back, “yeah? well, you’d probably rob calvin klein.”
his mouth fell open — then curved upward, slow, warm, and unmistakably flustered, “okay,” he admitted, laughing under his breath, “they do have the most comfortable underwear.” and that’s all it took for the two of you to dissolve — the laughter coming too quickly, too loudly, spilling out in little bursts you tried and failed to smother behind your hands. every time you met each other’s eyes, it only made it worse. the blush on your cheeks matched the one burning across his, both of you hiding behind jokes you weren’t doing a great job delivering. his grin widened, soft and boyish. “what do you say,” he whispered, leaning in too close for a library, “we partner up and actually plan this heist?”
you pushed his face away immediately, “stop—!”
he pretended to reel backward. “ow—! that’s assault—!”
you tried to muffle your laugh. he tried to muffle his. neither of you succeeded. and then— “SHHHHHH!” it came from a stressed girl three tables over, her eyes bloodshot, her coffee shaking in her hand like she’d reached her limit. you and xiaojun froze. faces red. mouths pressed shut. both of you trying desperately not to burst out laughing again. you kicked him under the table. he bit his lip, eyes shining. it was ridiculous. just stupid, silly fun. but in that small, dusty corner of the library, with your laughter still caught in your throats, it felt like something warm and effortless had wrapped around the two of you. and even as you tried to compose yourselves, both of you sitting up straighter, forcing your faces neutral, pretending to read — you could feel it. the quiet between you wasn’t quiet at all. it was alive. buzzing. shared. and neither of you could stop smiling.
🍯 OCTOBER 31 – THE TEACHER AND THE PUPIL 🍯
the dream fraternity never did anything halfway, but halloween was a different beast entirely. and seeming this was the last the frat will ever throw, they really went all out. the house looked like it had thrown up fake cobwebs, orange string lights and questionable fog machine effects. the bass thumped so hard from inside that you could feel it in your ribs before you even reached the door. people spilled onto the lawn dressed as everything from toy story characters to cancellable serial killers to whatever last-minute pinterest idea they could pull together in an hour.
you adjusted your glasses, thin, wire-framed, perched low on your nose, and smoothed down the front of your white button-up. it wasn’t really helping. the shirt was already a lost cause. one button undone too many, your red lacy bra coming into view, the black pencil skirt hugging your hips, riding up just a little every time you moved, red heels that clicked against the sidewalk and a slim pen tucked behind your ear, each detail enough to make your choice of costume obvious — sexy teacher. it was easy. it was funny. but the real punchline was that only one person at this party was going to understand the double meaning. you stepped inside, greeted by a wave of heat, sweat, cheap cologne and alcohol. someone in a werewolf mask howled near the kitchen, a girl in wings almost smacked you, the living room was already shoulder to shoulder, a mess of plastic cups and fake blood and half screamed lyrics. you didn’t even get a chance to adjust your eyes to the dim lighting before someone shouted your name over the music. you turned. and there he was — xiaojun was leaning against a wall near the base of the stairs, dressed in a black bodycon. his costume was….surprisingly good. tight. showed off his body without actually showing anything. he had a half-mask pushed up onto his hair. you couldn’t even lie — he looked good. really good.
meanwhile, as soon as xiaojun’s eyes landed on you, he forgot everything else. his eyes traveled from your heels up to the glasses that sat on your nose. his brain visibly loading. he blinked once. twice. his hand tightened around his cup like it was a lifeline. “oh,” he said, way too late. you raised an eyebrow, fighting a smile, “use your words, venom.”
“you’re–” he gestured vaguely at all of you, “you’re…this should be illegal.” he still hadn’t stopped staring.
you pushed your glasses up with one finger, enjoying this a little too much, “what, you’ve never seen a teacher before?”
his mouth opened, then closed again. his throat bobbed. you could practically see the gears in his head turning. teacher. lesson. pupil. yeah. he got the joke. he dragged his gaze away with visible effort, forcing himself to look at literally anything else, “okay,” he said, suddenly remembering how to be a person, “okay. right. uhm. we’re here for a reason.”
“i would hope so,” you said lightly.
“i have someone new for you tonight,” he reminded himself more than you, “you know. my job. matchmaker. that whole thing,” he straightened, running a hand through his hair. you gave a skeptical little hum. he ignored it, or tried to, “come on,” he gestured for you to follow, weaving through the crowd, “he’s somewhere in the kitchen. i told him about you already and he’s—” he didn’t get to finish. you caught his wrist. he stopped instantly, turning back. his eyes flickered briefly to where your fingers wrapped around his skin, then back to your face.
“i don’t want to meet anyone tonight,” you said.
confusion creased his brow, “why not? he’s nice. and hot and—” you gave him a look. he shut up. you pushed your glasses up again, letting your gaze sweep over the chaos around you — masks, fake names, painted faces, people dressed as everything they weren’t.
“it’s halloween,” you said simply, “it’s literally the one holiday where no one is honest about who they are.” he blinked, following your line of sight. a mouse playing beer pong. a barbie grinding on a guy in a ghostface mask. a surgeon taking shots — he nodded slowly, “okay,” he concede, “thats fair.”
you shrugged, “if everyone’s lying anyway, what’s the point?”
he chewed on the inside of his cheek, letting that sit for a second. then he looked back at you, “so,” he said, tone shifting into something lighter, “what do you want to do instead?”
you pretended to think about it, tilting your head, letting the music and the lights and the sheer heat of the room blur into one buzzing background. then you met his eyes, the tiniest hint of a smirk tugging at your mouth. “let’s just have fun,” you said, “no matchmaking. just you and me.” his heart skipped a beat. but you weren’t done. “and then…” you stepped a little closer, leaning in just enough that he could smell your perfume over the haze of beer and sweat, your words slipping out just for him, “maybe you can show me how venom uses that tongue of his.” he choked. actually choked. his hand spasmed around his cup. his ears went red. the half-mask nearly slipped off his head. for a full two seconds he just stared at you like you’d physically knocked the wind out of him. you only smiled, adjusting your glasses, entirely pleased with yourself.
the party only got louder, hotter and more chaotic as the night went on. people were dancing everywhere — on tables, on counters, on each other. but the moment you and xiaojun melted into the crowd together, none if mattered. he hovered close at first, protective in a way he didn’t even seem aware of — guiding you through bodies with a gentle hand on your lower back, staying just behind your shoulders like he could steer the party away from you if he tried hard enough. then a song you liked came on and you tugged him deeper into the center of the living room where the lights were more neon than functional and the bodies were packed close enough that breathing felt optional. you didn’t dance delicately. you weren’t trying to impress anyone. you were having fun. and xiaojun….he was trying so hard not to stare at you that it became the only thing he did. your hips rolled. your skirt slid up a little higher. your glasses slipped down again, framing the lazy smirk you sent him over your shoulder.
at some point, someone handed you shots — neon green, questionably glowing, definitely dangerous. you knocked yours back without blinking. xiaojun watched first, impressed, then matched you like he was afraid to fall behind. the burn hit you both at the same time. you were laughing. he was laughing. faces close, breath warm. and then suddenly he wasn’t laughing at all — he was looking at you. really looking. hair messed up from the crowd. mask hanging from his elbow, eyes dark with something he had very much stopped pretending not to feel. you lifted your hand, fingers landing on his chest. he inhaled sharply and one second later — his mouth was on yours. it wasn’t careful. it wasn’t planned. it wasn’t shy. it was hungry. electric. the kind of kiss that made the rest of the party dissolve into pure background noise. his hands cupped your jaw, your fingers slid into his hair, someone bumped into the two of you and neither of you even flinched. his lips moved against yours hungrily. you dragged him closer, and he groaned softly — a low, surprised sound you felt straight down your spine. you barely heard yourself say his name.
“fuck this party,” he murmured against your mouth, breath ragged, lips brushing yours with each word, “can we just—can we please skip to the lesson?”
you pulled back just enough to smirk. your lipstick was smudged. his pupils were blown. “i thought you’d never ask,” that was when you grabbed his wrist. no hesitation. no second-guessing. he didn’t even ask where you were going — he just followed, the same way he always followed your lead when things got intense. the crowd parted as you pulled him through the house, past the kegs and the dancers and the smoke-filled kitchen where someone had burned a tray of fake spider cookies. out the front door. down the steps. across the lawn. away from the noise.
the walk to your apartment felt like a blur, the bass from the frat house party still echoing in your ears as you and xiaojun burst through your front door, lips locked in a frantic, sloppy kiss. his hands were everywhere — gripping your hips, sliding up your back under your shirt, pulling you so tight against him that you could feel every inch of his hardening cock pressing into your stomach. you kicked the door shut behind you, the lock clicking forgotten in the haze of heat as you stumbled through the living room, his sneakers hitting the wall with a thud, your heels clattering to the floor. neither of you broke apart long enough to care about the mess. you pushed him toward your bedroom, tongues locked, breaths coming in hot pants, fingers tangled in his hair, yanking just hard enough to make him groan into your mouth. the bed loomed in the dim light from the streetlamp outside, sheets rumpled from your hurried morning. you shoved him backward onto the mattress, following him down in a tangle of limbs, straddling his waist as you ground against the bulge under his costume. his hands roamed your thighs, pushing your skirt higher, thumbs brushing the edge of your panties. your fingers unzipped his costume, bunching it down to his waist as your fingers trailed over his bare chest.
but as he shifted under you, trying to pull you closer, he winced, “oW,” he muttered, breaking the kiss with a hiss. you looked at him, confused, his hand fumbling under a blanket to fish out the mystery object. he held it up, blinking in the low light — real handcuffs, the cold silver metal glinting, linked by a sturdy chain. his eyes went wide, snapping to yours as he sat up slightly, still half-pinned beneath you, “why do you have these?” he asked, voice thick with surprise, gulping audibly. his cheeks flushed deeper, gaze flicking from the cuffs to your face, “…were you gonna use these on me?”
you couldn’t help but laugh, the sound low and teasing as you plucked the handcuffs from his fingers, dangling them playfully, “i think you’re forgetting i’m a forensics major…we actually need to know how to use those. for evidence handling and all that.”
he let out a nervous chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck but his eyes lingered on the metal, a spark of curiosity mixing with the lust, “so…you’re not gonna use them on me?”
you raised an eyebrow, leaning in close enough that your lips brushed his ear, your body still pressed against his erection. the heat between your legs throbbed at the thought and you let your free hand trail down his chest, nails scraping lightly, “i don’t know…do you want me to?”
xiaojun’s breath hitched, his cock twitching under you as he searched your face, that eager nervousness from before bubbling up again. he swallowed hard, nodding slowly, voice barely above a whisper, “yeah…maybe. show me?”
you pulled back just enough to meet his gaze, your fingers tightening around the cuffs, “are you sure? once they’re on, i’m not going easy on you.”
he nodded again, quicker this time, his eyes locked on yours with a mix of excitement and surrender, “yes. i’m sure.”
“okay, come here then,” you said, your voice dropping to a commanding purr. you shifted off him, guiding him further up the bed until his back hit the pillows, his arms stretching toward the sturdy metal frame of the headboard. he scooted obediently, watching you with wide eyes as you straddled him. grabbing his wrists, you clicked the first cuff around his right wrist, the sharp snap making him jolt, then threaded the chain through the slats of the bed frame before securing the other. the metal held tight, pinning his hands above his head, leaving him exposed and immobile. he tugged lightly, testing the hold, his chest rising and falling faster. you leaned over him, your breasts brushing his exposed chest through your top and traced a finger down his jaw, you hummed in satisfaction, “i guess this will make the lesson better—now you can only use this,” you tapped his lips softly, “—and your tongue to make me cum.”
a deep groan rumbled from his throat at your words, his hips shifting restlessly, cock straining against the bottom half of his costume. his eyes darkened with need, flicking down to where your skirt rose around your hips. “what do you say, xiaojun? you ready to learn how to eat a girl out properly?” you asked, your tone laced with challenge.
he nodded eagerly, completely under your touch now, his voice hoarse, “yes…please, teach me.” you smirked, deciding to draw it out, teasing him with every move. slowly, you stood on the bed beside him, hooking your thumbs into the waistband of your skirt and sliding it down your hips inch by inch, letting the fabric pool at your feet. his gaze followed hungrily, locked on the bare skin of your thighs, then higher to the damp spot of your panties. he strained against the cuffs, arm flexing uselessly, a frustrated whine escaping his lips as he realized how impossible it was to touch you — to grab, to pull you closer.
“frustrating, isn’t?,l” you murmured, stepping out of the skirt and trailing a hand over your stomach, dipping lower to press against your clothed pussy. all he could do was watch, transfixed, his cock visibly throbbing under the bodycon still bunched at his hips. you hooked your fingers into the sides of your panties, peeling them down agonizingly slow, the lace dragging over your skin until they joined the skirt on the floor. your pussy glistened in the low light, slick and ready as xiaojun’s breath came in shallow pants, his body arching toward instinctively.
“lesson two,” you announced, climbing back onto the bed and positioning yourself over his chest first, knees on either side of his ribs. you crawled up deliberately, letting your wet folds brush his skin, marking him with your arousal. his eyes were glued to you, mouth parted, tongue flicking out in anticipation. finally, you hovered just above his face, close enough that he could feel the heat radiating from your core.
“use your tongue — flat and wide at first, lick from my entrance up to my clit,” you instructed, lowering yourself onto his waiting mouth. he obeyed instantly, his tongue pressing broad and slow against your pussy, lapping at your juices with desperate enthusiasm, the flat drag of his tongue sent shivers up your spine, coating him in your wetness as he traced from your dripping entrance to the sensitive bundle of nerves at the top. the cuffs rattled as he tried to reach for your hips but he couldn’t, forcing him to focus entirely on the task, his mouth working harder to compensate. you rocked against him slowly a first, savoring the way his tongue flattened against your folds, exploring every inch.
“that’s it — long, slow licks. taste me,” you encouraged, your voice breathy. he hummed in response, the vibration buzzing through your clit, making your thighs clench around his head. his tongue delved deeper, pushing into your entrance to scoop out more of your arousal, then sliding up again, firmer this time, pressing right against your clit on the upstroke.
“now swirl around my clit — circle it with the tip,” you directed, grinding down a little harder. xiaojun learns quickly, his tongue flicking and circling the swollen nub, light at first, then with more pressure as you moaned in approval. you felt his hot breath panting against your skin, his nose bumping your clit occasionally as he licked deeper, fucking his tongue in and out of your pussy in shallow thrusts.
the pleasure was building steadily, a warm coil tightening in your core. you shifted your weight, bouncing lightly on his face to chase the sensation, “suck it—pull my clit into your mouth and suck,” you gasped, and he did, sealing around the sensitive flesh, sucking gently at first, then harder. the wet suction pulled a cry from your throat, your hips rolling forward to smear more slick across his lips and chin. he groaned into you, the sound muffled by your pussy, sending fresh jolts of pleasure radiating through you. you bounced more insistently now, lifting and dropping onto his mouth, a hand fisted in his hair, forcing his tongue deeper with each descent. his licks grew sloppier, more frantic as he tried to keep up.
he could barely breathe but he couldn’t care at this point. he was focused on pleasing you — lapping at your entrance, sucking at your clit, thrusting his tongue inside over and over. the cuffs clinked with your movements, a reminder of his helplessnes, which only made you grind harder, circling your hips to rub your folds over his entire face, “fuck—yes, i’m so close,” you moaned. you rode his face relentlessly, bouncing up and down, your thighs quivering as the pressure mounted. sweat beaded on your skin, mixing with the slickness between your legs and xiaojun devoured you like he was starving, his own muffled moans vibrating through your core.
the orgasm crashed over you without warning, pussy clenching around nothing as waves of ecstasy pulsed from your clit. you ground down hard one final time, holding his face buried against you, his tongue still flicking weakly as you trembled through the aftershocks. your juices flooded his mouth and he swallowed greedily, licking every drop he could reach even as you lifted slightly, catching your breath. looking down, you notice his face glistening — cheeks shiny with your cum, lips swollen and red, eyes hazy with lust and submission. he licked his lips, tugging at the cuffs again, voice rough and wrecked, “was that…good?”
you smiled, stroking his damp cheek, your body still humming, “very good…and do you know what good boys get?”
xiaojun licked his lips again, tasting the remnants of your release, his eyes locked on yours. he shook his head slowly, a small “no” escaping in a breathy whisper, his chest heaving as he waited, cuffed hands flexing against the bed frame. you smirked, leaning down to brush your lips against his forehead, then his nose, teasing lightly, “—a reward.” his breath hitched, pupils dilating as you shifted lower. you pulled off the suit bunched at his waist, finally freeing his hips, his cock springing out, thick and hard, veins pulsing, the tip already leaking pre-cum all from watching you. you left him like that — the costume shoved down to his thighs, wrists still locked above his head, body fully exposed and vulnerable.
climbing back up, you straddled his hips, your wet pussy brushing his bare skin as you captured his mouth in a deep, hungry kiss. your tounge in his, tasting yourself on him, salty and sweet, while your hand slowly trailed down between your bodies, wrapping around his cock, gripping the hot shaft firmly. he moaned into the kiss, hips bucking up instinctively but you held him down with your weight, stroking him slow at first — base to tip, thumb circling the slick head to spread the pre-cum. the kiss turned messy, teeth nipping his lower lip as you pumped faster, your fist sliding over the hard length, feeling it throb in your palm. xiaojun’s breaths came in ragged gasps against your mouth, his body arching, muscles straining against the restraints. he was so turned on, so pent up from eating you out that it didn’t take long — barely a minute of your hand twisting around him, squeezing just right, before he shattered. his cock pulsed hard in your grip, hot spurts of cum shooting across his stomach, some hitting your wrist as he cried out into the kiss, body shuddering violently. you slowed your strokes, milking every last drop from him, breaking the kiss to watch his face contort in bliss, then relax in heavy pants.
“hmmm, that wouldn’t do,” you murmured, voice laced with mock disappointment, though your eyes sparkled with amusement.
“what?” he rasped, blinking up at you, still dazed, his cock softening slightly in your hand but twitching at your voice.
you leaned in close, your free hand tracing patterns in the cum on his abs, “cumming that fast is hot and all but you better make sure you have more in you.” his eyes widened, a flush creeping up his neck, surprise mixing with fresh arousal. he tugged at the cuffs again, a soft whine building in his throat, but before he could respond, you flashed him a playful smirk. your lips started their descent — kissing his jaw, sucking lightly at his neck, then trailing wet open-mouthed kisses down his chest, tongue flicking over a nipple to make him gasp before continuing lower, over the ridges of his abs, lapping up a streak of his own cum, the salty taste making you hum in approval.
finally, you reached his cock, already semi-hard and glistening with remnants of his release. you gave the tip a slow, deliberate lick, flat tongue dragging from base to head, swirling around the sensitive slit, “come on, xiaojun, we just started,” you teased, voice low and sultry.
he groaned deeply, head falling back against the pillow, hips jerking up toward your mouth despite himself. but with your kitten licks — soft, teasing flicks along the underside, tracing the vein, lapping at the head like it was the sweetest treat — he was already stirring, blood rushing back, his cock thickening under your tongue, hardening anew as you worked him back to full erection. you hummed in approval, pulling back just enough to look up at him, your breath hot on his skin, eyes locking with his desperate gaze, “what do you want, xiaojun?” you asked, voice husky, your hand loosley stroking the base, “my mouth…or my tits?”
he swallowed hard, chest rising and falling rapidly, the cuffs clinking as he shifted. his mind raced — he pictured burying his face in your breasts, sucking onto your nipples, the warmth and softness giving him a moment to catch his breath, to steady himself after that quick release. “your tits,” he breathed out, voice thick with need, hoping you’d lean in and give him time to slow the building fire in his groin.
“excellent choice,” you grinned wickedly, rising up on your knees, your fingers unbuttoning the rest of your polo. in one fluid motion, you shrugged it off your shoulders, tossing it to the floor, then reached back to unhook your bra. the straps slid down your shoulders and you let it fall, exposing your full breasts, nipples already hard and begging for attention.
“god, please,” he whined, eyes widening, fixed on the vision of you, a soft whine escaping his throat as he tugged at the restraints, harder this time, wanting so badly to touch you — but you had other plans. leaning forward, you pressed your breasts together, creating a tight, warm valley of flesh. his cock, still slick from your licks and his earlier cum, throbbed visibily. you guided the sensitive head between your tits, sliding in slowly, the heat of your skin squeezing him,
“oh fuck,” xiaojun moaned immediately, his hips jerking up involuntarily, the new friction on his oversensitive cock sending shocks through him. the cuffs rattled loudly against the bed frame as he strained, fingers curling into fists, desperate to reach down and touch, to hold your breasts himself, “ahh—please, i…” you started moving, pressing your tits tighter around him, lifting and lowering your body to fuck him with your breasts, up and down, the slick slide of his cock between your soft mounds, the head peeking out at the top with each thrust, brushing your chin.
“that’s it, xiaojun, feel how good my tits fuck you,” you purred, watching his face twist into a mixture of pleasure and pain, “you wanted them so bad—now take it.” he whined high and needy, head thrashing side to side on the pillow, the overstimulation making his thighs tremble under the bunched costume.
“nngh—fuck—too much, its…oh god,” he gasped, another moan ripping from him as you picked up the pace, your breasts bouncing slightly with the motion. the rattle of the handcuffs grew frantic, metal biting into his wrists as he pulled hard, aching to free his hands, to grab the sheets, your hips, your hair, anything to keep him grounded from this teasing torment, “let me touch you…please, i need—ahh!”
“not yet,” you teased, spitting down onto his cockhead for more lubrication, “you look so hot like this. keep whining like that and i’ll give you what you want.”
his moans turned into breathless whimpers, body arching off the bed, completely at your mercy as you worked him toward another peak. the pressure built fast, his cock throbbing wildly, hips bucking up to meet your rhythm, “fuck—i’m gonna…ahh, please,” he whined, voice breaking, body tensing as the orgasm hit him again — hot ropes of cum shot from his cock, splattering across your tits, coating the soft curves and dripping down your cleavage in thick white streaks. he gasped and shuddered, the release making his thighs quake, “oh fuck—god—yes…” he moaned sofly, spent and trembling, eyes half-lidded in bliss.
you slowed your movements, letting his cock soften between your breasts, admiring the mess he’d made. smirking, you released the pressure and leaned forward, bringing your cum-covered tits up to his face, “look at what you did. now be my good boy and clean it up—lick every drop.”
xiaojun was too far gone to hesitate, his mind hazy with pleasure. without a word, he leaned in as much as the restraints allowed, lips parting to suck on your nipple, tongue lapping at his own cum. he didn’t care. didn’t question — just devoured it greedily, switching to the other breasts, sucking hard on the hardened peak. soft hums escaped him, content and obedient. you let him have this moment, his mouth working over your tits as a quick breather, the warmth of his sucks sending tingles through you.
“look at you, my ace student,” you praised, threading your fingers through his hair gently, holding him close, “sucking so eagerly, cleaning up your mess like you should. you’re doing so well for me.” he moaned around your nipples, the praise making him nuzzle deeper, his breathing steadying as he savored the brief calm, completely lost in the act. you pulled back slightly after a few more minutes of letting him calm down, his tongue still lazily swirling your hardened nipples. his breaths came in soft pants against your skin, body limp and glistening with sweat under the dim bedroom light. the handcuffs rattled faintly as he shifted, utterly spent but still tethered to the bed frame.
you traced a finger along his jaw, tilting his chin up to meet your eyes, “xiaojun,” you murmured, voice low and coaxing, “can you handle one more? just one more round for me?” he opened his mouth, but no words came out — only a weak, breathless whimper, his eyes glassy and unfocused from the overload. his cock twitched faintly against his thigh, sensitive yet half-hard again from sucking your tits. you can tell he’s tired. but he asked for this…didn’t he? to help him build his stamina up.
you pout playfully, leaning in closer, lips brush his ear, “please xiaojunnie,” you whispered, drawing out the nickname with a sultry lilt, “i really want to suck you off. let me make you feel good one more time.”
the nickname hit him like a spark, his body jolting subtly, a fresh flush creeping up his neck. his eyes widened as he swallowed hard, the sound audible in the quiet room, “o-okay,” he managed shakily, voice cracking on the word, barely above a whisper. you smiled wide, rewarding with with a gentle open-mouthed kiss, “you’re taking everything so well—i’m so proud of you,” your hand slid down his chest, wrapping around his cock once more, giving it a slow, firm stroke to coax it back to full hardness. he gasped, hips twitching upward into your grip, but you released him just as quickly, sliding down the bed.
positioning yourself between his spread legs, you gripped the base of his shaft, tongue flicking out to lap at the tip, then you took him in, lips sealing around his flushed head as you sucked hard, hollowing your cheeks while your hand pumped the rest of his length — xiaojun’s whines filled the room immediately, high pitched and desperate, his head falling back against the pilow, “ahh—fuck, too fast…oh—,” he cried out, voice breaking into sobs as overstimulation clawed at him. tears welled in his eyes, spilling over as you bobbed your head, taking him deeper with each pass. his legs trembled, instinctively trying to close around you for some relief, thighs quivering as he fought the intensity. but you wouldn’t allow it — shifting your weight, you swung one leg over his thigh, sitting firmly on it to pin him open. the pressure of your pussy against his muscle grounded you both, your wetness smearing across his skin as you grind down once, experimentally.
he bucked beneath you, the whines turning into full cries, “please—it’s so nngh—sensitive…” you hummed around his cock, the vibration making him arch off the bed, ignoring his pleas as you kept your mouth working relentlessly. the sounds he made were intoxicating, raw and broken, fueling your own arousal. you couldn’t hold back anymore — lifting your hips just enough, you started rutting against his thigh in earnest, sliding your slick folds back and forth over the firm muscle. the friction sent sparks through your clit, your breaths coming faster as you rode him like that, mouth never leaving his cock.
xiaojun’s eyes locked onto you, wide through his tears, “holy shit, honey,” he swore breathlessly, voice wrecked, “that’s—fuck—the hottest thing i’ve ever seen, you—,” his words cut off in a strangled moan as you deepthroated him, nose brushing his pelvis. the combination pushed him over the edge faster than before — his third orgasm ripping through him with brutal force, cock pulsing hard in your mouth, cum flooding out in thick spurts that you swallowed greedily, not stopping, milking every drop with tight sucks. his sobs tapered into ragged please, his body shuddering beneath, “stop! please!, i can’t…too much—please—” he begged, voice horse and completely broken now, tears spilling from the corner of his eyes, hands tugging weakly at the cuffs. you knew he’s reached his limit. you eased off immediately, releasing his cock from your mouth with a soft pop, lips glistening as you lifted your head, finally letting him catch his breath. sliding up his body, you reached for the key on the nightstand, fingers carefully unlocking the cuffs. the metal clicked open and you rubbed his wrists gently, massaging the faint red marks left behind. then you brushed away the tears streaking his cheeks with your thumbs, your touch tender now.
“hey, talk to me,” you say softly, pulling him back to earth, “are you okay?”
he blinked up at you, chest rising and falling in uneven breaths, a small, dazed smile tugging at his lips, “i’m fine,” he murmured, voice still shaky but genuine, “it was just…new. really intense, but good. really good.”
you smiled softly, an eyebrow raised, “you really haven’t explored have you?,” you ask. not teasing. just genuinely curious.
he smiled sheepishly, “uhm—i’m kind of a virgin.”
your jaw dropped at the revelation, “what do you mean kind of?”
his cheeks flushed, “well, i don’t think my first time counts since i kinda…came as soon as i stuck it in?”
“oh my god,” you giggled, then realization struck you, your eyes going wide in shock, “—and you let me handcuff you?!”
he laughed, light, almost disbelieving, cutting through the heavy air, as he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you down to his chest, “i mean—it was fun.”
you smiled against his skin, nuzzling into the warmth of him, but lifted your head to check again, “you sure you’re okay? no regrets?”
he met your gaze, his expression softening into something vulnerable then he cupped your chin with gentle fingers, “it was perfect. thank you—but…”
“but what?” you prompted, curiosity sparking as you traced his jawline. he hesitated for a beat, then surged forward with surprising strength. rolling you both over in one smooth motion — now, you were beneath him, his body pinning yours lightly to the mattress, eyes dark with renewed intent, “i think i still need practice,” he said, voice low and determined, a playful glint in his gaze as he kicked off his costume completely and settled between your thighs. you let out a surprised laugh, your hands coming up to rest on his shoulders, but there was no real protest in you. this was the point after all — teaching him, guiding him, letting him use your body without the mess of labels or expectations. just raw, hands-on lessons.
“alright, xiaojun,” you breathed, spreading your legs wider to give him access, “show me what you’ve learned so far.” he nodded, eyes focused and eager, leaning down to press a soft kiss to your inner thigh. his lips were warm, tentative at first, trailing higher until his breath ghosted over your folds. you were already slick from earlier, your pussy aching for attention and when his tongue finally darted out to trace your slit, you shivered. he licked experimentally, remembering your words from earlier, flat and broad, tasing you with a hum that vibrated against your skin.
“that feels good,” you encouraged, fingers threading through his hair without pulling. his mouth latched gently onto the swollen nub, tongue flicking in slow, deliberate circles, taking note of every one your reactions. the sensation built steadily, sparks of heat coiling in your core as he grew more confident, sucking soflty before dipping lower to tongue-fuck you. his hands gripped your thighs, holding them open as he alternated between lapping at your entrance and teasing your clit, learning the rhythm that made your hips buck.
“fuck, yes—just like that,” you moaned, back arching off the bed. he was getting better with each pass, his inexperience giving way to instinct and soon you were panting, chasing the edge he was so carefully building. but he didn’t rush — instead, he slowed when you got close, pulling back to kiss your thighs, letting the tension simmer before diving back in.
“xiaojun… don’t stop,” you gasped, thighs trembling around his head. he groaned against you, the sound muffled as he sucked harder on your clit, one finger sliding inside your pussy to curl against that spot he knew all too well now. and just like that, you shattered — waves of pleasure crashing over as you came hard, walls clenching around his finger, juices flooding his mouth. he didn’t pull away, licking you through it until you were whimpering from the overstimulation.
you coaxed xiaojun’s mouth away from your pussy for good. he lifted his head, lips glistening with your arousal, his own breaths coming in heavy pants that matched the ragged rhythm of yours. sweat clung to his skin, his hair tousled from your earlier grip and his eyes, dark and satisfied, locked onto yours with a mix of pride and lingering hunger, “was that…okay?” he asked, voice rough. you reached down, fingers threading through his damp strands to guide him up your body, pulling him up for a messy kiss, “you seriously need to stop asking that,” you murmured, voice hoarse from the moans he’d drawn out of you. he collapsed half on top of you, lazily kissing you back, his weight a comforting press against your side as your arms wrapped around his shoulder. your chests heaved in unison, the air thick with the scent of sex and exertion, both of you utterly spent.
you continued kissing until the exhaustion settled over you like a warm blanket, lips moving sluggishly against yours, soft and unhurried, tongues brushing in lazy strokes that carried the faint taste of your releases. your hands roamed idly over his back, tracing the lines of muscle still humming with residual tension, while his fingers tangled gently in your hair, holding you close without demand. the world narrowed to the warmth of his body draped over yours, breaths mingling in the quiet space between kisses that grew slower, deeper, until your eyelids fluttered shut. sleep claimed you both just like that — entwined and sated, lips grazing in feather light contact as dreams pulled you under.
🍯 NOVEMBER 1 - DEJUN 🍯
you stir awake in the tangled sheets of your bed, the faint light of morning filtering through the curtains of your bedroom. you reached to the other side of the bed out of instinct — cold. empty. not surprising. expected. stretching with a yawn, you swing your legs over the edge, muscles protesting a little, but you ignored it as you threw on an oversized shirt and padded barefoot into your living room, fully prepared to find your apartment as solitary as it always was. but then, as you stepped outside, something hit you. scent. warm, rich unmistakable — eggs. bacon. coffee. you froze. that…couldn’t be right. your brows furrow in confusion. he’s still here? you walked the rest of the way into the kitchen, fully intending to prove your senses wrong. except they weren’t. there he was — his back to you, shirtless in just his boxers from the night before, flipping strips of crispy bacon with a focused tilt of his head. the sight of his lean muscles shifting under his skin sends a lazy spark through you but its the domestic normalcy that catches you off guard.
“what are you still doing here?” you ask, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over your chest.
he glances over his shoulder, a small grin breaking across his face, his hair tousled from sleep, “thought you’d be hungry…because i sure am,” his voice carrying that raspy tone that morning brings. right on cue, your stomach lets out a traitorous rumble, loud enough to echo in the quiet space. heat creeps up your cheeks, but you can’t help the smile that tugs at your lips. he chuckles, low and genuine, turning back to the pan as you both share that easy, knowing look. no tension. just a comfortable ripple in the air. without speaking, you moved to grab plates from the cupboard, setting them on the tiny dining table squeezed into the corner of your kitchen, just enough for two. while he plates the scrambled eggs and bacon, you prepare the forks and napkins, the routine unfolding naturally. surprisingly, it’s not awkward at all. if anything, it feels…right.
when everything’s ready, you both settle across from each other at the table, knees almost brushing under the surface. you didn’t comment when he put noticeably more food on your plate. he pretended not to notice you noticing. the first bites are heaven, the eggs creamy and the bacon perfectly crisp and conversation flows as naturally as the coffee you pour from the pot he started.
“so, about last night,” you say between mouthfuls, smirking, “you handled those handcuffs like a pro. didn’t think you’d last that long without tapping out.”
he laughs, a flush coloring his cheeks as he ducks his head but his eyes meet yours with a playful glint, “yeah, well, you were a tough teacher. nearly broke me…but in a good way,” he wiggles his eyebrows, popping an egg into his mouth and you both dissolve into light laughter.
“i can’t belive you’re technically still a virgin,” you said around a mouthful of bacon.
xiaojun froze. fork in midair. shoulders tense. ears turning pink. he almost forgot he admitted that last night. he went quiet. really quiet. the clink of your fork against the plate seemed louder in the sudden hush and you watched as his gaze dropped to his half-eaten food, the easy banter evaporating like mist. when he finally spoke, his voice was small, honest in a way you weren’t used to from him, “i…yeah…i guess i am,” a deeper blush crept up his neck, staining his cheeks as he set his fork down, fingers twisting in his lap under the table. he looked up at you through his lashes, vulnerability cracking through his usual shy charm, “it’s just…i’m too scared, you know?”
you tilted your head, curiosity softening your expression as you swallowed your bite. “scared, why?” you asked gently, no teasing edge this time, inviting him to open up without pressure.
he let out a shaky breath, rubbing the back of his neck, his eyes flicking away before settling back on yours, “well, after my first time,” he muttered, “i finished basically the second i—,” he cut himself off, face going scarlet, “the girl was really mad…told me i was the worst sex she’s ever had and…i was really embarrassed,” he said quietly, thumb rubbing the edge of the table, “like…humiliating embarrassed. and i don’t know,” he shrugged helplessly, “i just didn’t really want to embarrass myself again after that.” his words hang in the air, raw and unfiltered, and you can see the weight of that old embarrassment still clinging to him like a shadow. the fork in your hand pauses midway to your mouth, you set it down gently, leaning forward just enough to close the small distance across the table. your eyes soften, meeting his with a warmth that cuts through the vulnerability he laid out.
you smile, soft and reassuring, reaching across to give his hand a quick squeeze before pulling back, “xiaojun, you have no idea how many men have done that,” you say, your voice light but sincere, easing the tension like a gentle touch, “the fact that you even care enough to feel embarrassed already makes you ten times better…and besides,” you shrug, a grin growing on your features, “she missed out on possibly the best orgasms of her life,” you wink at him, the gesture playful, letting the implication sink in.
he blinks, his blush deepening for a beat before a surprised laugh bubbles out of him, breaking the quiet like sunlight through clouds. his shoulders relax, the helpless shrug from moments ago melting into a genuine, relieved grin as he shakes his head, “that’s all thanks to you,” he says, his voice warmer now, eyes crinkling at the corners with that shy affection you’ve come to recognize.
you shake your head no, picking up your fork again but keeping your gaze on him, steady and encouraging, “please, i just guide you. you’re the one doing all the hard work.” the words come out playfully, but there’s truth in them, an acknowledgment of his growth and his willingness to learn. he ducks his head again but this time it’s with a softer blush, the kind that shows flattery rather than shame. the conversation shifts back to lighter ground as you both resume eating.
and as you ease into a comfortable silence, xiaojun sets his fork down and looks at you with a softer expression, “dejun,” he says quietly, testing the word like it’s a secret he’s been holding.
you glance up, confused, “what?”
he smiles shyly, his cheeks tinting pink, “you can call me dejun—that’s my real name.” a warm smile spreads across your face, touched by the vulnerability in his voice. you hold his gaze, the kitchen falling into a gentle quiet where the only sounds are the distant hum of the city outside and your shared breaths. it’s a simple moment, but it feels intimate, like peeling back another layer of him.
then, before you can process what he was doing, dejun leans across the tiny table, his fingers brushing your lip in a quick, unexpected move, plucking a crumb right off and popping it into his mouth. your eyes go wide, a smirk tugging at your lips as surprise bubbles into amusement, “dejun! that’s gross!” you say, half-laughing, half-scandalized, leaning back in your chair.
he chuckles, low and playful, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before looking at you with a mischievous look, “gross? come on, i was literally eating you out last night. how’s a little crumb worse than that?” heat floods your cheeks at his blunt words, the memory flashing hot and vivid but you can’t let him with that easily. you reach over and smack his arm lightly, the sound sharp in the quiet kitchen, trying to play it cool even as your blush creeps up, “shut up, you perv,” you mutter, averting your eyes to your plate but the smile you can’t hide gives you away. he just laughes harder, rubbing the spot you hit like it stung, his gaze warm and teasing as the morning stretches on in easy, charged comfort.
🍯 NOVEMBER 4 - ORGANIC ENCOUNTER 🍯
three days have slipped by since that lazy morning with dejun. you’ve been dodging his texts about lessons and vague promises of setting you up with someone perfect — a part of you not ready to dive back into the chaos. but your fridge is a wasteland now, thanks to his enthusiastic breakfast raid, so here you are in the fluorescent-lit aisles of the grocery store a couple miles away from the university, basket hooked over your arm. you’re reaching for a carton of large eggs, mind wandering to how dejun’s shy smile lit up when you called him by his real name, when your elbow clips the edge of the shelf. the carton tumbles from your grip, cracking open mid-air and splattering it’s contents right onto the man standing just a step away — yolk and shell fragments streak down his crisp white shirt, the mess dripping onto his jeans in trails.
“oh shit—i’m so sorry!” the words tumble as you spin around, heat rushing to your face. he’s tall, easily towering over you with broad shoulders that fill out his frame just right, dark hair tousled in that effortlessly handsome way. and then there’s his scent — cedar and vanilla, warm and inviting, cutting through the sterile smell like a cozy invitation. his face breaks into the prettiest smile, eyes crinkling at the corners with genuine amusement instead of annoyance.
he laughs, a low, easy sound that eases the knot in your stomach, “no worries, accidents happen,” he brushes a bit of eggshell off his sleeve, glancing down at the stain without a hint of irritation, voice smooth and steady.
“but i ruined your shirt,” you protest, already fumbling for your wallet in your bag. guilt twists in your gut, “at least let me buy you a new one. there’s a store right across the street.”
his smile widens, that charming curve making your pulse skip. he shakes his head, stepping a fraction closer to pluck a stray eggshell from your sleeve in a casual, disarming move. up close, his eyes are a deep, warm brown — pretty.
“really, it’s fine. this old thing was due for a wash anyway.”
you bit your lip, insisting despite the flush creeping up your neck, “come on, i can’t just leave you like this. it’s the least i can do.”
he tilts his head, considering you for a beat, then lets out another soft chuckle, “alright if you insist on making it up to me…how about you let me take you out instead? dinner, my treat. call it even.”
your eyebrows lift in surprise, a spark of intrigue flickering through the embarrassment. he’s direct but not pushy, that smile holding steady like he knows exactly how to turn a mishap into something promising, “a date? just like that?”
“just like that,” he confirms with a soft smile, extending a hand, “i’m winwin, by the way.”
you take his hand, his grip firm and warm, the contact lingering a second longer than necessary, “y/n…and yeah, dinner sounds good.”
and as you both grab a couple of paper towels from the end of the aisle to clean up the mess, the store’s overhead lights casting a soft glow on his profile, you can’t help but wonder if this is one of those “the universe works in mysterious ways,” dejun’s been promising all along.
🍯 NOVEMBER 5 - WINWIN 🍯
the next evening arrives with a soft autumn chill in the air, the kind that makes you grateful for the light sweater you threw on over your simple black dress. you meet winwin outside a cozy italian bistro a little outside of town. he’s already there, leaning against the brick wall with his hands in the pocket of his dress pants, looking effortlessly put together in a black button-down that hugs his shoulders just right. no flashy accessories, no over the top gestures — he simply straightens when he spots you, that same easy smile from the grocery store lighting his face.
“hey, you made it,” he says, voice warm and unhurried, like he’s been looking forward to this without making a big deal of it. he holds the door open for you. he suggests a table by the window, away from the busier spots and pulls your chair out, making sure you’re okay before he takes his own seat across from you. the perfect gentleman. the menu is straightforward and he doesn’t launch into some rehearsed spiel about the best dishes or try to impress with wine knowledge. instead, he asks what you’re in the mood for, genuinely listening when you say you’re craving something simple like carbonara.
as the waiter takes your orders, pasta for you, a grilled chicken for him, the conversation flows without effort. he’s not peppering you with questions or steering everything back to himself – it’s balanced. a real exchange. you learned he graduated from the same university with a degree in literature and now he works at the public library in the neighboring town, curating events and helping with community reads, “it’s quiet most days,” he says, taking a sip out of his red wine, “gives me time to get lost in books or plan the occasional hour for kids. nothing glamorous but it suits me.”
there’s no bravado in his words, just quiet contentment. he recommends his favorite novels and you find yourself sharing bits about your major. he listens intently, nodding at the right moments, his eyes steady on yours without that intense stare that screams, “i’m trying to charm you.” it’s gentle, the way he leans in slightly when you describe a particularly gruesome lab demo, chuckling softly at your delivery.
the food arrives, and he doesn’t hover or comment on your bites. instead, he shares a story about a library patron who returned a book with a note inside, confessing it changed how they saw their own life – nothing boastful, just observation that lingers, making you see the appeal in his steady world. he’s kind in the little things — refilling your glass when it’s low, suggesting you try a bite of his salad if the dressing intrigues you, all without drawing attention to it. no forced compliments on your outfit or hair but when you laugh at his dry humour about a disastrous book club debate, his smile deepens. dessert is a shared slice of chocolate cake, spoons dipping in turns as the conversation drifts to lighter topics – favorite movies, color, food. time slips by unnoticed, the bistro emptying around you until the waiter politely clears the table. he insist on covering the bill with a casual, “my treat, remember?” and you don’t argue, stepping out into the cool night air together.
the walk to your bus stop is unhurried, streetlights casting long shadows on the sidewalk. he matches your pace, hands in his pockets again, the cedar-vanilla scent faint but comforting in the breeze, “i had a good time tonight,” he says simply, stopping at the curb where your bus will pull up, “we should do it again sometime.” before you can respond, he leans in, pressing a soft kiss to your cheek — brief, warm, leaving a subtle tingle in its wake, “text me when you get home safe,” he adds, stepping back with that same pretty smile. the bus arrives right on time as you settle into a seat, watching him wave from the stop and you can’t shake the feeling that this might be exactly what you’re looking for.
🍯 NOVEMBER 7 - TELL ME MORE 🍯
two days slip by in a blur of notification lighting up your phone screen, each one from winwin pulling a smile from you without even trying. his texts are steady — nothing overwhelming, just thoughtful check-ins about your day, a shared meme, or a casual thinking about that cake we split. it’s easy, like breathing, and you find yourself replying faster than usual, the conversation weaving through your classes and late-night study sessions.
but tonight, the glow of your phone fades to the background as dejun sprawls on your couch, his body warm and insistent against yours. the apartment is quiet, just the hum of the city outside and the soft rustle of clothes as you straddle his lap, lips locked in a deep, hungry kiss. his hands roam up your sides, thumbs brushing the underside of your breasts through your thin tank top, while your fingers tangle in his hair, tugging just enough to make him groan into your mouth. the taste of him, mint and something faintly sweet, fills your senses, and heat pools low in your belly as his tongue slides against yours. he breaks the kiss first, nipping at your lower lip before pulling back slightly, his breath hot against your skin, “so,” he murmurs, voice rough with want, eyes dark as they flick over your flushed face, “i have another guy for you tomorrow night. this one’s got that quiet intensity you like, graphic design major, tall, smells good. you’ll love him.”
you pause, your hands stilling on his shoulders as you catch your breath. the words hang there, and before you can stop yourself, you lean in to kiss him again, soft and lingering, buying a second to gather your thoughts. when you pull away, you meet his gaze, a small smile tugging at your lips, “actually…i met someone recently.”
his eyes widen, a mix of shock and excitement flashing across his face as he freezes beneath you. his hands grip your hips a little tighter, holding you in place, “wait, what? like, for real?…spill,” there’s a spark in his voice, genuine curiosity laced with something else. but he doesn’t push you off — instead, he ducks his head to press open mouthed kisses along your neck, tongue flicking out to taste your skin. you tilt your head to give him better access, a soft sigh escaping as his lips trail down to your collarbone, sucking lightly at the spot that makes your pulse jump.
“yeah,” you continue, voice breathy but steady, fingers threading through his hair, “ran into him at the grocery store – total accident, eggs everywhere. his name’s winwin.” dejun hums low in his throat, the vibration rumbling against your skin as he listens, his mouth working a slow path back up to your jaw, “mhm,” he murmurs, the sound muffled against you, encouraging without interrupting.
“took me out the next night,” you go on, words punctuated by the wet slide of his tongue along your throat, “italian place in the next town. it was…perfect, honestly. no games, no trying too hard. he went to our school, works at the library, reads to kids sometimes—” dejun’s hands slide under your tank top now, palms flat against your bare back, pulling you closer as his lips find the hollow of your collarbone again, teeth grazing just enough to send a shiver down your spine.
“sounds solid,” he says softly, another “mhm,” vibrating against you, but there’s a subtle tension in his grip, like he’s hanging on every word. you shift in his lap, feeling the hard press of his cock through his sweats against your core and it makes your words come out a little huskier, “he is. gentle, you know? listens without making it about him. we talked about books, my forensics stuff—he didn’t glaze over anything—,” dejun’s response is a deeper hum, his mouth trailing lower, nipping at the strap of your tank top before he suddenly shifts, easing you back against the couch cushions. “—and at the end, he walked me to the bus stop, kissed my cheek, promised we’d meet again.”
in one smooth motion, he hooks his fingers into the waistband of your shorts and panties, yanking them down your legs together and tossing them aside without a second glance. he’s not shy tonight — no hesitation, no fumbling like those early lessons. his eyes lock on yours for a beat, dark and intense, before he settles between your thighs, spreading them wide with his shoulders. the cool air hits your exposed pussy, already slick from making out, and you bite your lips as he leans in, breath ghosting over your folds.
“keep going,” he says, voice low and commanding, lips brushing your inner thigh, “tell me more about this perfect guy.”
you swallow, trying to focus as his tongue flicks out, tracing a slow line up your folds, “he’s just…put together. life seems easy for him—” the words falter as he flattens his tongue against your clit, lapping firmly and you gasp, hips twitching. his hands pin your thighs down, keeping you open and he dives in deeper, mouth sealing over your pussy with a wet, messy suck that makes your toes curl.
“yeah?” he mumbles against you, the vibration shooting straight through your core, “sounds like a dream.” — but there’s an edge to his tone now, a hint of something sharper as his tongue circles your entrance, pushing inside briefly before dragging back up to your clit.
you try to continue, voice shaky, “he texts me all the time now–nonstop, but not clingy. just…nice.”
dejun’s response is a growl, low and possessive, and suddenly his pace changes. he devours you harder tongue thrusting into your pussy with quick, insistent strokes while his lips sucks at at your folds, sloppy and unrelenting. he eats you out like he’s starving, nose bumping your clit with every plunge. the wet sounds fill the room, his mouth working you over without mercy, teeth grazing your sensitive skin just enough to make you jolt.
“fuck, dejun—” your words cut off into a moan, hands fisting the couch cushions as pleasure coils tight in your belly. you can’t talk anymore, not with him like this — tongue lashing your clit in rapid flicks, then sucking it between his lips with a pull that has your back arching. he knows exactly what he’s doing now, all those lessons paying off in the way he pins you down, refusing to let up even as your thighs tremble around his head. moans spill from you, high and needy, as he pushes you closer, his fingers digging into your hips to hold you steady. the unknown jealousy simmering under his actions, fueling the intensity until you’re nothing but gasps and whines, lost in the heat of his mouth claiming every inch of you. then — his fingers join in, two of them sliding inside you without warning, thick and insistent, curling right against that spot. he pumps them in and out, fast and deep, the wet squelch of your arousal echoing as his thumb circles your swollen clit in rough, tight strokes.
“oh god, dejun—yes, right there,” you gasp, thighs quivering around his head, your hands clutching at his hair to hold him in place. he doesn’t let up, fingers thrusting harder, twisting to stretch you wider while his tongue laps at your folds, tasting every drop. pleasure crashed over you in waves, pussy clenching around his digits as you come undone, crying out his name in a broken sob, body shaking as your release flooded through you, soaking his hand and chin as you ride the high, walls pulsing greedily. he slows his movements gradually, drawing out your orgasm with gentle sucks and strokes until you’re panting and boneless against the couch. pulling his fingers free with a slick pop, he looks up at you, lips glistening, a smug glint in his eyes.
“fuck, you’ve gotten really good at that,” you breathe, voice husky with aftershocks, reaching down to cup his jaw in praise. he just smirks, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before grabbing your waist and hauling you up. in a swift tug, he flips your positions, settling you on his lap, your bare pussy pressing directly against the rigid length of his cock straining through his grey sweats, the fabric already damp from your wetness and the heat of him sears into you as he grips your hips, grinding you down hard against him.
all thoughts of winwin vanish — erased by the friction sparking between you, your body instinctively rolling to chase more. you dry hump like that, lost in the raw sensation, your slick folds sliding over the thick bulge, his sweats teasing your sensitive clit with every drag. dejun’s hands roam everywhere, one sliding up your back to tangle in your hair, yanking your head down for a bruising kiss, tongue in your mouth, tasting of you. he breaks away to suck on your neck, leaving blooming red marks, his breath hot and ragged against your skin, you could’ve sworn he whispered, “mine,” but you were too caught up in him to process.
he hooked a finger into the neckline of your tank top, yanking it down roughly, your breasts spilling free, nipples hard and aching and he wastes no time — latching onto one with a hungry suck, tongue swirling around the peak while his teeth grace it with just a shy of pain. he switches to the other, giving it the same attention, leaving wet trails and fresh hickeys across the soft flesh, claiming every inch. you’re a moaning mess on top of him, whimpers spilling out as you grind your wet pussy harder against his clothed cock, the outline of his tip nudging your entrance through the barrier. the pressure builds again, fast and filthy, your hips circling desperately while his mouth marks you up, hands bruising your thighs to guide your rhythm. he thrusts up to meet you, groaning into your skin, the tension between you electric and consuming.
“dejun…fuck–you feel so hard,” you moans, nails digging into his shoulders as you chase the building heat, your pussy aching to be filled but reveling in the tease.
he groans in your chest, mouth popping off your nipple with a wet smack, leaving it red, “yeah? you like riding my dick like this, honey?” his voice is rough, edged with that possessive hunger, hands clamping tighter on your ass to pull you down harder, forcing you to feel every ridge of him through the barrier.
“god, yes—don’t stop” you whimper, head falling back as pleasure coils low in your belly again, your breasts heaving with each bounce. his lips return to your skin, trailing hot, open-mouthed kisses up to your collarbone before capturing your mouth in a messy clash of tongues. you kiss him back fiercely, hips stuttering as the pressure mounts.
dejun breaks the kiss to nip at your jaw, breath ragged, “you’re so wet, soaking right through my sweats…all for me, right honey?” his fingers bruise your hips, guiding you in a punishing rhythm, the wet slide of your pussy over his clothed length growing sloppier, more desperate. the possessiveness in his tone sends a thrill through you, making you clench around nothing.
“just you–fuck, dejun, only you make me this desperate,” you gasp, grinding down, his cock nudging your cilt hard, sparks exploding behind your eyes. your moans turn into whines, body trembling as you bounce faster, the couch creaking under the force. his mouth latches back onto your breast, sucking deep while his tongue flicks the peak, teeth grazing just enough to sting.
“that’s it, honey—cum on me again,” he murmurs against your skin, voice muffled but so natural, so commanding, his hips bucking up to meet your every drop. the friction is relentless now, your swollen clit throbbing against the rough weave, his shaft pulsing hotly beneath. you feel him swell even more, the telltale twitch signaling he’s close and it pushes you right to the edge.
“oh shit—dejun—i’m gonna…gonna cum,” you cry out, your rhythm faltering as your second orgasm rips through you, pussy spasming against his cock, juices flooding out to drench his sweats completely, body shuddering in his grip as you ride it out with frantic grinds. watching you unravel tips him over,
“fuck…i’m cumming,” he grunts, head thrown back. his cock jerks wildly under you, hot spurts of cum leaking through his underwear, soaking through to slick your folds even more. he thrusts up, erratically, groaning low and broken, hands holding you flush against him as he empties himself, the warmth seeping between you in messy pulses. you both collapse in each other, panting and spent, your foreheads pressed to his chest while aftershocks ripple through. his arms wrap around your waist, pulling you close in the sticky aftermath.
🍯 NOVEMBER 8 - NOT YOU 🍯
the bass from the speakers thumps through the riize fraternity house, the air thick with the scent of alcohol, sweat and that unmistakable college party haze of hormones and bad decisions. you arrive with dejun, his arm brushing yours as you push through the front door, the crowd already filled with energy. he’s dressed sharper tonight — fitted shirt hugging his frame, hair styled just right and there’s a spark in his eyes that wasn’t there before, a quiet determination you’ve helped nurture over stolen nights and whispered instructions. you find a quieter spot near the edge of the living room and turn to him with a teasing smile, “alright, lover boy,” you say, nudging his shoulder, “time to put those skills to the test…show me if all our lessons are sticking.”
he chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck, but there’s no hesitation this time, just a nod of agreement, “yeah, i think i’m ready…that girl from before, she’s here somewhere. wish me luck?”
you raise your cup in a mock toast, “luck’s for amateurs, you’ve got this. i’ll be watching from over there,” you point to a spot across the room and he grins, squeezing your hand briefly before slipping away. your eyes track him as he makes his way to the kitchen counter, spotting her right away. last time, he was all nerves, stumbling over words and avoiding her gaze. but tonight? dejun’s different. he leans in casually, posture open and confident, holding her eyes without a flicker of doubt. his smile draws her out and soon she’s giggling, her fingers grazing his arm as they talk.
a sharp twinge hits your chest, reminding you of the way his hands feel on your skin, but you push it aside, focusing on the pride bubbling up instead. this is what you wanted — to see him step out on his own, carrying the pieces he’s learned from you.
he catches your gaze then, across the sea of swaying bodies, his expression lighting up with that boyish triumph. he flashes a quick thumbs-up, all assurance and shared secret, before she tugs at his sleeve, pulling him somewhere more private. the moment he’s swallowed by the crowd, out of sight amid the grinding hips and flashing lights, you set your cup down on a nearby table. no lingering. you turn on your heel and head for the door, the cool night air hitting your face as you step outside — that mix of satisfaction and something deeper, sharper, chasing you into the dark.
꒷꒦
the door to the bathroom clicked shut behind xiaojun, the muffled thump of bass from the party fading into a dull hum. the girl, shuhua, whose name he learned just moments ago, pressed him against the wall, her lips crashing into his with eager insistence. confidence surged through him like a drug, all those late-night sessions with you clearly paying off. his hands slid to her waist, pulling her closer and she responded with a soft moan, fingers tangling in his shirt as she deepened the kiss.
it was easy. too easy. his body moved on autopilot, tongue slipping past her teeth, tasting the faint bitterness of her drink mixed with lip gloss. she arched into him, grinding her hips forward and he mirrored the motion, hands roaming up her back. the room spun a little from the alcohol buzzing in his veins — but there was no fire. no spark igniting in his gut. just mechanical rhythm, like reciting lines from a script he’d rehearsed a hundred times. she broke the kiss first, trailing her mouth down his jaw, nipping at his neck while her hands fumbled with his belt. he tilted his head back, eyes half-lidded but his mind drifted — this should feel electric. heart pounding, skin flushing hot, every nerve alight. instead, it was flat, like kissing one of his theater actors. no rush of blood to his cock, no desperate ache building low in his belly. nothing like the way his pulse hammered when you were the one in his arms, your voice whispering commands that made his whole world narrow to your touch.
her fingers hooked into his waistband, tugging his pants down in one swift pull, the fabric pooling at his thighs. cool air hit his skin and she dropped to her knees, eyes locked on his with that hungry gleam. her hand reached for his dick, soft and unmoving against his leg and something snapped inside him — this wasn’t right. it wasn’t your scent filling his lungs. it wasn’t your nails digging into his shoulder. it wasn’t your laugh echoing in his ears. and maybe this is the worst moment ever to come to this realization. but he can’t help it. the universe truly does work in mysterious ways. and he knows it with every fiber of his being — he liked you.
fuck. he liked you more than the word like could ever mean. he had fallen. hard and fast. tangled up in every lesson, every stolen glance, every smile, every laugh, every time you’d pushed him to the edge only to pull him back. this girl on her knees? she was just a test he didn’t want to pass.
“wait,” xiaojun said, his voice rougher than he meant it to be. his hand caught her wrist gently but firmly, stopping her inches away. she froze, looking up with confusion twisting her features, “i…i can’t do this. i’m sorry.” her eyebrows narrowed, cheeks flushing red from embarrassment and anger. she yanked her hand back, standing up so fast, “what the hell? you drag me in here, get me all worked up and now you bail?! what’s your problem?!” he zipped up quickly, heat creeping up his neck as he avoided her glare, “it’s not you. i just….realized i don’t want this. not tonight.” she scoffed, smoothing her hair with jerky motions, ego bruised and voice sharp, “yeah, right. save it for someone who cares,” she stormed past him, slamming the door open and disappearing into the hallway, leaving the echo of her footsteps fading. xiaojun slumped against the wall, running a hand through his hair, the realization settling heavy in his chest — all he could think about was how badly he needed to find you.
꒷꒦
the fraternity party’s relentless pulse fades into the night as you make your way home. dejun’s laughter rings in your ears, bright and triumphant as he leans into that girl, his hand resting low on her back, fingers splayed possessively. it’s what you taught him to do, after all — claim space, exude confidence. but watching it play out twists something vicious in your chest, a hot surge of ownership you have no right to feel. he’s your project, your eager pupil, not your anything. you don’t linger for the fallout, clearing your head just enough to pull out your phone. winwin’s earlier messages glow on the screen: thinking about you. free tonight?
perfect. your thumbs fly across the keys.
y/n: come over :)
you hit send before doubt can creep in, walking back to your apartment. in a haze of streetlights, your mind replays dejun’s easy charm, the way his eyes had sought yours earlier, sparkling with that happy pride. by the time you unlock your door, the jealousy simmers low, a dull ache you plan to drown out.
winwin arrives, his knock soft and polite, a stark contrast to the chaos you left behind. he steps inside with that signature dimple smile. he’s the definition of a nice guy — tall, handsome, with a gentle charm that checks every box you once scribbled down. he has kind eyes that listen, hands that touch without demand, a steady presence that promises reliability. no grand gestures. just him, with a bottle of red wine and the words, “figured we could unwind,” he says, voice warm as he sets it on the coffee table. you grab two glasses as you settle on the couch, legs tucked under you, winwin pouring two generous measures. the first sip warms your throat, tart notes blooming on your tongue and as always, the conversation flows easy — his stories from the library, your complaints about classes, laughter punctuating the quiet stretches. its innocent and comfortable. the kind of evening that builds without pressure. he sits close but not too close, knees brushing occasionally, sending a subtle spark up your leg. another glass empties, then another, the room growing hazy around the edges, inhibitions loosening like the fabric of your skirt riding up your thighs.
the wine hits harder than expected, cheeks flushing as you lean into him, his arm draping casually over the back of the couch. his fingers trace idle patterns on your shoulder, light and exploratory and you turn, meeting his gaze. those kind eyes hold a question, patient, waiting for your lead. you close the distance, lips brushing his in a tentative kiss — soft at first, testing. but the alcohol makes you bolder, tongue slipping past to taste the wine on him. he responds with a low hum, hand cupping your jaw, deepening it slowly, no rush, just the gentle slide of mouths exploring. this is new. the first time hands wander beyond polite touches. it should be exciting. but it’s not. you blame it on the wine.
you shift, straddling his lap, the couch creaking under the movement as his palms settle on your hips, thumbs circling the expose skin above your waistband. the kiss breaks for air, foreheads resting together, breaths mingling hot and quick, “you sure?” he murmurs, voice roughened by desire but still laced with that inherent care, eyes searching yours for any hesitation. you nod, heart pounding, tugging at his shirt, the buttons giving way to reveal his chest. his skin is warm under your fingers, muscles tensing as you traced down to his belt. he helps, lifting his hips to shove his pants and boxers down, cock springing free. clothes come off in a lazy scramble, your top discarded, bra following, breasts spilling out to his eager mouth, hands slipping under your skirt to hook into your panties, pulling them off and stroking through your slick folds with careful pressure. the wine buzzes in your veins, blurring edges, making his touches feel amplified. he slides a finger inside you, then two, thrusting in a steady rhythm that has your walls clenching, hips bucking to chase more. but even as pleasure coils tight, your mind can’t help but drift — winwin’s precision is flawless, hitting spots with practiced ease, yet it lacks the raw unpredictability that dejun brings, that eager stumbles that turn into fervent discovery. winwin embodies everything you thought you wanted — attentive, respectful, the perfect partner who pauses to whisper, “you like that?,” his voice a soothing rumble. and yet, as his fingers curl deeper, thumb pressing your clit, you realize with a quiet jolt that those boxes don’t matter anymore. the height, the scent, the intelligence — they’re just lines on paper, fading against the vivid pull of someone else — dejun’s chaos, his unpolished fire, crowds your mind, making this perfection feel like a polite cage.
the orgasm sneaks up. winwin doesn’t stop, working you through it with gentle pumps. then he eases you back onto the couch, grabbing a condom from his wallet and wrapping himself up before positioning himself between your legs. your skirt hikes up fully as he lines his cock at your entrance, asking for your permission one last time. you wrap your legs around his waist in response, pulling him in and he sinks into you slowly. his hands brace on either side of your head, body hovering close as he starts thrusting — deep, measured strokes that grind against your sensitive spot. it’s intimate like this, face to face, his kind eyes locked on yours, breaths syncing with each push. you clutch his shoulders, nails digging as he picks up pace, hips snapping forward to bury himself fully. his mouth finds your neck while the other kneads your breast. the angle hits just right, his groans low and controlled, “you’re so beautiful,” he breathes against your ear, ever the gentleman even in the heat, praises slipping out between thrusts.
eventually, it tips you over, walls fluttering tight around his length as you cum again. he follows seconds later. you both laugh breathlessly, the sound light but hollow in your ears, wine glasses forgotten on the table. he holds you there a moment longer, softening inside before pulling out gently, tossing the condom in your trashcan, then shifts to lie beside you. he grabs his white button up, slipping you into it, the two of you shifting to lounge side by side. it’s cozy, effortless, the kind of night that should soothe. the kind of man that should have the butterflies erupting in your stomach. but everything feels distant, irrelevant — dejun’s on your mind. his messy enthusiasm eclipsing this flawless night, stirring a longing you can’t ignore. your eyelids grow heavy around 2:30a.m., the satisfaction feeling surface-level, overshadowed by the ghost of another man’s grin.
the knock jolts you awake, three firm taps echoing through the quiet apartment, sharp enough to scatter your drowsiness. winwin mumbles something incoherent, rubbing his eyes as you untangle from him. you pad to the door on bare feet, peeking through the peephole — dejun stands in the hallway’s harsh glow, jacket rumpled, hair tousled like he’s been pacing. his face is a mask of restraint but his eyes betray the storm, dark and searching. you ease the door open a crack, blocking the interior view, your heart thudding as you become very aware of winwin’s polo grazing your skin. the flush from your release still warms your cheeks and dejun clocks it instantly. his gaze rakes over you — the loose fabric, the tousled hair, the subtle scent of sex lingering. he knows the signs. hurt flickered in his expression, one he quickly buries.
“dejun?” your voice is hushed, threaded with concern and surprise. you lean into the frame, arms folding across your chest, which only draws the shirt tighter, “what are you doing here? it’s the middle of the night.” he rocks on his heels, hands jammed in his pockets, the faint buzz of the overhead lights underscoring the tension. sweat beads on his temple, breaths shallow, whatever drove him here — it’s urgent, unraveling him.
before he could answer, winwin’s voice drifts from the couch, warm and casual, “babe? you good out there?” the endearment lands like a slap, dejun’s posture going rigid. your pulse spikes, heat flooding your face from the exposure. you twist slightly, calling back lightly, “yeah, just a second — it’s just a friend!” then you step into the hall fully, shutting the door with a soft click that seals the divide.
“babe, huh?” dejun asks, trying his best to hide the jealousy in his tone, “i’m guessing it’s going really well?”
you force out a smile, “its…new,” you shrug, “but what about you? you seem…wrecked. what happened after i left?”
his eyes hold yours and for a split second, the facade crumbles, jealousy raw and exposed, mirroring your own from the party. he can smell the man on you, the strong cedar blending with your arousal. but he inhales sharply, forcing a grin that’s all teeth, no warmth, the staged smile cracking under the strain, “nothing bad. just…the party wrapped up and i nailed the flirting. she was all over it. laughed at my jokes, touched my arm. felt good, y’know? like i finally got it right.”
pride swells in you despite the undercurrent, a real smile breaking through as you step closer, “that’s awesome. tell me more….are you gonna see her again?”
he laughs but it’s strained. his gaze dipping to the polo’s neckline where it slips, revealing a hint of your collarbone. pretending doesn’t suit him — he tries to hide the effort in his clenched jaw, the subtle flex of his hands like he aches to pull you close. for an actor, this role is torture. he shakes his head, grin faltering, “i don’t know—maybe—but …it’s late and you’re obviously…busy. we can talk about it tomorrow. get back inside before you freeze,” he forces a smile, nodding towards your door.
guilt twists in your gut and you’re not even sure why. technically, you didn’t do anything wrong. you didn’t owe anyone any explanations, especially not the boy in front of you. but on instinct, before he could turn away to leave, you grasp his wrist, his skin feverish against yours, pulse racing under your fingers. it’s gentle, inviting, your eyes pleading, “wait. you came all this way — spill now. i want to hear it.”
he stills at your touch, his thumb grazing your knuckles in a fleeting stroke, stare intense enough to pin you. vulnerability surges through him, maybe he’ll confess the jealousy, the party’s hollow victory, how your absence gutted him. but instead, he withdraws slowly, that brittle smile reforming like a shield, “nah, it’s not that exciting. let’s talk tomorrow,” his tone stays level but the edge cuts, eyes tracing your throat where faint marks from winwins mouth was starting to show.
you didn’t want him to go. you’d rather spend the night listening to him talk than go back into your apartment. but instead you release him, nodding with a feigned ease, “okay. but text me first thing and you better not leave out any details.”
“promise,” he says softly, sending you one last smile before retreating, posture deflating as he turns. his footsteps recede down the corridor, swallowed by the building’s hum. you linger at the door, fingers on the knob, an empty pang settling deep. shaking it off. you reenter your apartment, winwin lounges on the couch, arms outstretched, his smile welcoming as you curl into him, cheeks into his chest, “everything okay?” he murmurs, hand stroking your hair with that innate kindness, ready to support without question. “yeah” you lie, nestling closer. winwin’s heartbeat is steady, comforting but as his touch roams idly, unease festers. the conversations were great, the sex was fine, orgasms delivered — but it was all bland. a checklist without fire. winwin’s perfection, his nice-guy reliability, once your ideal…now highlights the void. you don’t care about the boxes anymore. someone else is invading your thoughts, his imperfect sparks igniting what this safe harbor can’t.
🍯 NOVEMBER 9 – SILENCE 🍯
winwin leaves a little past noon. he stands in your doorway with his shoes tied and his hair still damp from the shower he took in your bathroom — your bathroom, your space, your morning light spilling over his shoulders like he belongs there. he doesn’t. not really. but he fits in clean, undemanding lines. he fits the way a perfectly drawn blueprint fits a building that hasn’t been built yet. predictable. safe. good on paper. he leans down and presses a soft kiss to your cheek, a gentle brush of lips that should make your heart flutter. it doesn’t.
“i had a good time,” he says, smiling that warm calm smile. you nod, polite, warm enough to not raise questions, cold enough to feel wrong in your own skin, “me too. text me when you get home.”
he gives your hand one last squeeze, then steps into the hallway. as soon as the door clicks shut behind him, the apartment deflates into heavy, suffocating silence. and your chest feels like its been scooped hollow. you try not to look at your phone. you fail. still no message from dejun. you inhale sharply through your nose and lock your phone with more force than necessary. you turn on the t.v., curl up on your couch and pretend the hollow ache in your ribs is something else entirely.
by 3p.m. you tell yourself you’re grabbing your phone to check the time. you know that’s a lie. the huge clock above you’re t.v. mocking you. and yet, your thumb unlocks the screen. still nothing. you stare for a moment too long, waiting for the notification banner that never appears. not even a ghost vibration. not even a stupid meme. you lock your phone, tossing it onto the couch like it was the one who offended you. you refuse to be that girl – the one who waits around for a boy to text her. so you busy yourself instead. you try to clean the kitchen. you try to run laundry. you try to find a show on neftlix. it lasts twenty minutes before the nervous tug in your chest grows unbearable. you pick up your phone again. still nothing. your jaw tightens. fine. whatever. you’re not chasing after a man.
but he said “promise.” he said it with a small, earnest smile, like he meant it. and the fact that he didn’t follow through gnaws at you in slow, patient bites. you sit cross-legged on the couch, thumb hovering over the keyboard while your heart beats too loudly in your ears, finally losing. you type something simple, a little comedic.
y/n: hey
y/n: where was the tea i was promised?
you stare at it for three full minutes before hitting send.
delivered.
the little status taunts you as you wait. five minutes. ten. thirty. the message stays exactly as it is. no read. no bubble. no reply. your stomach sinks. a stupid, ridiculous reaction. you know better. you’ve always known better. so you throw your phone aside and fold your arms as if physical stubbornness can override emotional hurt. it doesn’t. hours crawl by, the golden hour turning to blue. you cook dinner with his name in the back of your head. you shower wondering why it’s too quiet. your brain keeps circling the same thought like a moth drawn to dying flame — why isn’t he here?
you try to tell yourself it’s nothing. he’s busy. he forgot. he got distracted. except…he doesn’t forget things you ask him. he doesn’t get distracted when it comes to you. you’ve seen how he looks at you — sharp, attentive, always tuned in. so now….the silence feels intentional. you swallow hard, throat tightening around a truth you don’t want to name – this hurts. more than it should. more than you’re willing to admit to anyone, especially yourself. you sit on the edge of your bed later that night, the glow of your phone screen the only light in the room. still delivered. still unanswered. “fine,” you whisper into the dark, “let him disappear. i’m over it.”
꒷꒦
meanwhile on the other side of campus, dejun doesn’t get up right away. he lies flat on his back, staring at the ceiling, replaying last night in a loop so painful it borders on masochistic. the way he knocked desperately on your apartment door. the way winwin’s voice punched him right in the gut. the way his own heart had stopped, just for a second, before he forced himself to smile.
he swallows the memory like a pill too large to choke down. his phone buzzes beside him. your message. he sees the preview. his chest tightens. he doesn’t open it. he can’t stand the idea of reading your words while your necks till carries traces of winwin’s mouth. he can’t stand the thought of wanting you while imagining you curled into someone else’s chest. he knows he’s pathetic. he knows he’s avoiding the truth like a coward. he tells himself he’s protecting his heart. he tells himself he’s resetting boundaries. he tell himself anything except the truth — he’s terrified. he wants you too much. and it’s already too late.
🍯 NOVEMBER 10 – SHUHUA 🍯
dejun wakes up hating himself a little. hating the silence between you even more. so he picks the most avoidant solution imaginable — he texts shuhua. the girl he rejected. the girl he left flustered and embarrassed.
xiaojun: uh hey, this is xiaojun, i got your number from hendery
xiaojun: about the other night…i’m really sorry, i think the tequila was messing with me 😅
he stares at the ridiculous message. it’s a terrible excuse. he knows it. he hates himself for sending it. but he needs something to fill the void. he needs noise. chaos. distraction. anything except the hollow ache under his ribs. and shuhua responds almost instantly.
shuhua: LMAOOOO
shuhua: guys are dumb when they drink
shuhua: i’ll forgive you if you take me out for coffee later ;)
a normal person would decline. a rational person would decline. xiaojun is neither of those things right now. so he says sure. because it’s easier than facing the weight of what he actually wants.
he sits across from shuhua at the campus’ cafe. she’s bright, bold, funny. she tilts her head when she listens. she touches his wrist when she laughs. it should be easy. it should be everything he has always wanted. he tells himself: she’s into you. she likes you. it could be something. that should have been enough. except for one glaring truth — every time she smiles, he’s painfully aware it’s not your smile. he stirs his coffee until the ice melts into nothing. he thinks about texting you. he doesn’t.
🍯 NOVEMBER 11 - MIRROR 🍯
you wake with the dull ache of someone who didn’t really sleep. your phone is under your pillow. you don’t need to check it to know there were no new messages. at least, not from the person you wanted. and yet you still check — delivered. still. your stomach twists, not sharply this time, but the slow churn of something you refuse to label disappointment. fine. whatever. you told yourself you were over it. you told yourself he didn’t matter. he didn’t owe you anything. it’s not like you guys were actually friends. and maybe the lies sound truer the more often you repeat them. so you pull yourself out of bed and you move on with your day.
somewhere around 10 a.m. your phone buzzes — not the name you want.
winwin: good morning 🐥
winwin: lunch later?
your throat tightens inconveniently. you owe him nothing. you owe him something. you don’t know. but you do know this — he’s actually into you. so you say yes.
winwin takes you somewhere quiet, tucked between a flower shop and a stationary store. he orders for both of you, remembering your favorite drink without hesitation. he’s perfect, like always. he talks gently about his morning, about a stray cat he’s been feeding, about a book he thinks you might like. and you try. try so hard to be present. you nod. you smile. you laugh when you’re supposed to. but your chest feels too tight. winwin notices, of course he does.
“are you okay?,” he asks, brows softening and you hate how close you come to saying no. you hate how badly you want to spill everything into someone’s hands just to stop holding it alone. you settle on a lie that feels thin, “just tired.” he accepts it. he doesn’t push. his hand brushes yours — slow, comforting, careful and you let it stay. you let him reach for you. you let yourself lean an inch closer. you let yourself pretend, for a few minutes, that this could be enough. but your heart is quiet in your chest like it’s missing a beat it shouldn’t be missing.
꒷꒦
back in campus, xiaojun sits across from shuhua in the same cafe from yesterday. she’s dressed cutely, lip gloss on, hair pinned back, smile bright in a way that should work on him. and he’s trying, god, he’s trying, to let it mean something. he nods when she talks, he laughs when she nudges him, he lets her fingers brush his when she leans across the table to show him a photo.
on the outside, he looks normal. better, even. confident. on the inside? he’s miserable. he keeps hearing your voice. keeps replaying your message. keeps thinking of you with someone else. he forces another smile that feels wrong on his face. shuhua doesn’t notice. or maybe she chooses not to.
꒷꒦
winwin pays the bill before you even notice the waiter coming. he helps you with your coat. he walks you to the bus stop with your hands tucked into his pockets as he cast soft glances your way. you tell yourself it’s nice. you tell yourself you’re lucky. you tell yourself this is everything you used to want. you tell yourself so many things. but when he hugs you goodbye, your heart doesn’t lurch, your breath doesn’t catch, your skin doesn’t spark. it’s all pleasant, soft, safe — and heartbreakingly…empty.
when you step inside your apartment again, you check your phone. not because you’re waiting. just because. at least that’s what you’ve convinced yourself to think. still delivered. still unread. still no dejun. your throat tightens, “right,” you whisper to the quiet room, “it really doesn’t matter.” but your chest disagrees.
🍯 NOVEMBER 14 - FINAL EXAM 🍯
you don’t even see him coming. one second you’re walking down the aisle of the library, balancing a stack of returns against your chest, tote bag slipping down your arm and the next — you round the corner and collide with someone hard enough that the breath is knocked out of you. your shoulder hits solid warmth. his grip brushes your elbow as he instinctively tries to steady you. but it’s too late. the books go flying, scattering across the carpet in a chaotic tumble of paper and color, thumping loud enough that a student two tables over looks up sharply.
“shit–” your voice cracks on impact.
“oh fuck–sorry–” another voice answers, low, familiar, startled. you freeze. no. it can’t be. you crouch automatically, reaching for the nearest book. he does too. your hands collide, fingers brushing, your skin remembering him before your brain does — the warmth, the shiver, the electric little pause. you snatch your hand back, he does the same, almost like touching you burned. neither of you look up. your pulse is ridiculous and fluttering too fast, too high in your throat. you stack the books back into your tote with shaking hands, not daring to look at him, too focused on the mess, on the frantic need to do something with your hands. he picks up the last book slowly, almost reluctantly, like the moment represents something neither of you are ready to acknowledge. then he holds it out for you take, fingers grazing again.
finally, painfully, you both straighten to standing and then you look up — dejun. he goes still. you go still. the air between you shifts like one wrong move might shatter the entire week of silence into pieces you can’t sweep away. his eyes widen for a millisecond before he forces them into something neutral. he clears his throat once, too softly, “oh. hey.”
you swallow, “hey.” then the silence drops between you — thick, awkward, heavy with everything unsaid. you hug the book to your chest as if it might steady your pulse. he shoves his hands into his pockets like he doesn’t trust them not to reach out for you.
he forces a breathy laugh, “sorry about the…uh,” he gestures to the floor, to the chaos. he still doesn’t leave, but you sense it, the shift in his weight, the subtle lean of his body like he’s preparing to bolt at the first opening. except — you don’t let him. before he can retreat, you step a half foot closer.
“are you avoiding me?” your voice isn’t harsh or accusing, just tired and soft, the question has been sitting in your ribs for days.
he shakes his head immediately, too quickly, “i’m not.” you raise a brow. he tries again. “i’m not avoiding you, it’s just—” he hesitates. you watch the words gather on his tongue, watch him struggle to choose the least painful lie. then, finally, “well…remember the girl i was flirting with at the party?"
your stomach tightens, “i wouldn’t know,” you reply, tone even but sharpened at the edges, “you never came back to tell me how it went.”
the jab lands. you see it. you feel it. his expression falters for the first time. but instead of telling the truth, instead of saying i panicked, i only left because i saw you with him, you have no idea how badly i wanted to talk to you, to tell you — he reaches for a mask instead. a small, humorless laugh, “uh….yeah. well….everything went great.”
you feel it physically, a pinprick in your chest, “great,” you echo quietly.
he looks away, guilt flickering over his features before he drowns it, “yeah, i’ve been seeing her this week…which is why i haven’t been able to reply.”
the world goes very still. it’s a lie. you know it. he knows it. how hard is it to reply to a text message? we’re on our phones every second of the damn day. but he says it anyway and the words settle between you like alcohol on a fresh wound. you refuse to give him the satisfaction of seeing it hurt, so you breathe once, slow and deliberate and you say, “so…that’s it?”
he blinks, “what?”
your throat tightens but you keep your tone steady, except for the thin thread of sadness woven through it, “you finally have enough confidence to chat a girl up…to know how to be a good lover,” you say, eyes flicking to his, “and we just…never have to speak anymore?”
the reaction is immediate. his face collapses, just slightly, just enough, like you punched the air out of him. regret floods his eyes. and something else he’s terrified to name. he opens his mouth. no sound comes out. he tries again, “i just….i figured since you’re with winwin now and i have someone, maybe it’s best we stop?...our relationship isn’t exactly…appropriate.”
your chest twists, “i thought we were friends?” you whisper more to yourself than him but he hears it anyway. you hide the flicker of pain behind a soft shrug, “but no…you’re right.” the words hang there, cold and quiet. and then you double your mask, slipping into the familiar armor of humor. you force a light laugh, “well…this feels very anticlimactic…thought we’d be celebrating this day or something.” he forces one too, uneasy, thin. you keep going because if you don’t keep talking, you might actually feel something. “you know…i still need to test if what you’re saying is true. a teacher should make sure their student is actually good before completely letting go.”
his brows tighten, “i…don’t think another lesson is a good idea.”
you snort softly, “not a lesson,” you tilt your head, eyes narrowing with a teasing glint that hides the hurt underneath, “your final exam.”
his breath catches. you smile, wide sharp, too bright, “and anyway…you’re still my matchmaker, aren’t you? shouldn’t you at least see if i got the perfect match?”
he blinks, confused, “what….like, a double date?”
the idea lands between you. not gently. not cleanly. it drops like something fragile and dangerous, a glass ornament hitting the floor in slow motion. ridiculous. painful. dejun’s brows knit, confusion flickering his face, but underneath the hesitation, the defensiveness, the lie he told about shuhua, there’s something else trembling at the edges of his expression. fear. curiosity. want. all tangled together. he shifts his weight from one foot to the other, starting at you like he’s trying to figure out if you’re joking or if this is another test he’s destined to fail.
you shrug, casual, practiced, pretending your heart isn’t beating straight through your ribs, “yeah, exactly.” you watch the words sink in. you see the moment he realizes what you’re really saying — if you’re so sure we don’t matter, prove it. if you want to play lovers with someone else, do it in front of me. if we’re nothing, why does this hurt?
his throat bobs as he swallows. his fingers curl deeper into his pockets. he looks down at the floor for a breath, maybe two. when he lifts his gaze again, his eyes are guarded, warm in that complicated, wounded way when someone’s trying to pretend something isn’t tearing them open from the inside, “you’re serious?”
you nod, letting your smile grow sharp around the edges, “you said it yourself. you have someone now. i have someone now,” you tilt your head, “seems like the logical next step, right? the big finale.”
he flinches, so subtly, but enough that the air shifts again. and then something inside him settles. like he decides if this is the game you want to play, then he’ll play it. even if it kills him. even if it’s already killing him, “...okay.” the word is small. delicate. dangerous. “okay,” he says again, firmer this time, “a double date.”
your breath catches. and for a moment, just a moment, you both stand there in the quiet aisle of the library, surrounded by half-organized books and the ghost of the last five days, staring at each other like you’ve made a terrible mistake neither of you can undo. because the truth hangs between you, unspoken and too loud — this won’t fix anything. it won’t make the week of silence disappear. it won’t make the ache smaller. if anything, it will magnify it. rip it open. stretch it thin. force you both to look at the parts of yourselves you’ve been running from. and yet — dejun nods once. you nod back. and just like that, the double date is born. slow. messy. doomed.
🍯 NOVEMBER 15 - THE DOUBLE DATE 🍯
the restaurant’s ambient glow casted soft shadows across the table, the air thick with the scent of garlic and red wine. you’d been trading stories and laughs, but the undercurrent of tension simmered just beneath, your hand occasionally brushing winwin’s thigh under the table to emphasize your point about how “perfect” it all was.
across from you, dejun had been flawless — leaning in close to shuhua, his voice low and teasing as he complimented her laugh, her dress, the way her eyes lit up when she talked about cosmetology. every move screamed the lessons you’d poured into him — confidence, subtle touches, that magnetic pull that made her hang on his words.
shuhua took a bite of her dessert, a flaky pastry that crumbled slightly, leaving a tiny speck on her lower lip. she didn’t notice but dejun did. his gaze softened, and without hesitation, he reached across, his thumb gently brushing the crumb away. his touch lingered a second too long, intimate and tender, his eyes locking with hers as she blinked in surprise, then smiled, her cheeks flushing, “there,” he murmured, voice gently. your fork paused mid-air, a sharp pang twisting in your chest. the casual affection, the way his fingers had grazed her skin — it hit like a punch to your gut. pride in his progress warred with something raw and jealous, your boasts about winwin suddenly tasting like ash. you couldn’t sit there another second, watching him unravel everything you’d taught him on someone else.
“i need the bathroom,” you said abruptly, sliding out of the booth with a tight smile. winwin’s hands fell away from your shoulder, concern flickering in his eyes but you waved it off, “be right back.”
the hallway to the restrooms was dimly lit, the murmur of the dining room fading behind you. you pushed open the door to the single-occupancy bathroom, stepping inside and reaching for the lock — but before you could turn it, the door swung wider. dejun slipped in behind you, his presence filling the small space like a storm. he shut the door with a decisive click, locking it, his back against it as if to barricade the world outside.
you whirled around, heart slamming against your ribs, “what the hell, xiaojun? get out.”
he didn’t move, his chest heaving, eyes wild and desperate. nothing like the smooth charmer at the table. his hair was slightly mussed from running a hand through it and he looked every bit the mess you’d glimpsed in those vulnerable moments in between your lessons.
“i can’t do this,” he rasped, voice breaking on the words, his hands clenching at his sides like he was fighting to reach for you. your eyes widened, shock rippling though you, “what?”
he stepped closer, the confined space forcing you back against the sink, his body heat radiating off him in waves, “if you touch his thigh one more time, i’m gonna crash out. i swear, i can’t watch it.” his words tumbled out, raw and jagged, his gaze dropping to your lips, then back up, pleading.
“why?” you demanded, your voice barely above a whisper, pulse thundering in your ears.
“because!” he threw his hands up, frustrating etching lines on his face, his composure shattering bit by bit.
“because what?” you crossed your arms, stepping into his space, challenging him. you were tired of the ignoring, the ghosting, the silence that had left you chasing shadows. you needed it straight. you wanted to hear it out loud.
he laughed, a bitter, choked sound that didn’t reach his eyes, his hands finally moving to grip the edge of the sink on either side of you, caging you in without touching, “because i’m in love with you.”
the words hung in the air, heavy and electric. shock froze you, your breath caught, eyes searching his face for the lie, the joke. you’d braced for “like”, maybe a confession of a silly crush born from your tangled nights….but “love”?
you quirked a brow, skepticism sharpening your tone even as your heart raced, “don’t say things you don’t mean.”
dejun’s chuckle came again, darker this time, laced with self-loathing as he leaned in closer, “i can’t stop thinking about you. every second. kissing someone else feels wrong. seeing you with him makes me want to set myself on fire just to feel something that hurts less than this ache,” his voice cracked, eyes glistening with unshed tears, no more masks, just raw, aching need, “if this isn’t love, then what the hell is it? tell me, because i don’t know how to make it stop.”
the weight of his confession pressed against you, the air in the bathroom thick and humid, mirroring the storm raging inside. your back was still against the sink, his hands gripping the edges, but now his fingers loosened, one hand lifting slowly to cup your jaw gently, thumb brushing across your lower lip, soft and tentative, tracing the curve as if memorizing it.
“what is it, huh, honey?” he murmured, voice low and coaxing, his breath warm against your skin.
you held his gaze, refusing to melt under his touch, your chest rising and falling with the effort to keep your walls up, “you can’t call me that,” you said firmly, voice steady despite the tremor in your core, “not after you spent a week ignoring me then acting like everything’s perfect between you and her. i waited for you, xiaojun. i sat there like an idiot, checking my phone, wondering what the hell i did wrong.”
his expression crumpled, fading into something raw and remorseful. his thumb stilled on your lip, eyes desperately searching yours, “i’m sorry,” he whispered, the words cracking as he leaned in closer, “i’m so sorry. that night, the way you looked — i couldn’t handle it. it ripped me apart, thinking you were moving on…that i’d lost my chance before i even had one.” you didn’t answer. still processing it all. but then he pulled back just enough to meet your eyes again, his hand still cradling your face, “tell me…do you like him? really like him?”
the question hung between you, vulnerable and piercing, each second of silence pinching his heart. your heart twisted — winwin was nice, steady, everything you’d thought you wanted. but here, trapped in this tiny space with dejun’s heat surrounding you, the truth clawed its way out. “he’s nice,” you admitted, your voice softening against your will, “perfect. even. but it doesn’t feel right. not like—”
you didn’t finish. couldn’t finish. because he caught the unspoken words, his eyes darkening with a mix of relief and hunger and before you could continue, his mouth crashed onto yours, desperate and claiming, lips moving with a fervor that stole your breath. you kissed him back just as fiercely, tongues tangling in a messy, heated dance, your hands fisting in his shirt as you poured all the frustration and longing into it. he tasted like the wine from dinner and something uniquely him.
his free hand slid down your body, bunching up the fabric of your skirt, fingers brazing the bare skin of your thighs before pushing your panties aside. the touch was electric, sending a jolt straight to your core, “not like this,” he finished for you against your lips, voice husky as he broke the kiss just long enough to nip at your bottom lip.
“dejun,” you breathed, half-protest, half-inviation, but your body betrayed you, arching into his touch as his fingers found your slick folds.
“tell me you don’t want this,” he whispered, capturing your mouth again in a slower, deeper kiss while his middle finger circled your entrance, teasing the heat there, “tell me to stop and i will…but god, i’ve missed touching you like this,” he pushed in slowly, one finger curling inside you, stroking that sensitive spot that made your knees buckle. you gasped into his mouth, the sound muffled as you kissed him harder, your hips bucking against his hand. he added a second finger, thrusting deeper, his thumb finding your clit and rubbing firm, deliberate circles that had you clenching around him. breaking the kiss, he trailed his lips to your ear, breath hot and ragged, “does he touch you like this?” he murmured, voice laced with jealousy and need, his fingers pumping faster, the wet sounds echoing obscenely in the small room as he claimed you with every stroke, “does he make you this wet, honey? make you forget everything else?”
your head fell back against the mirror, a moan slipping out as pleasure coiled tight in your belly but you pulled him back for another kiss, swallowing his groans as your tongues battled for dominance, “no,” you admitted between kisses, nails digging into his shoulders, “no one touches me like you do.”
he stilled for a heartbeat, his fingers buried deep inside you, eyes locking onto yours with an intensity that pinned you in place. then slowly, he withdrew them, just enough to tease your entrance again, thumb circling your clit with agonizing precision, “then say it,” he demanded, voice rough and commanding, leaning in to capture your lips in a possessive kiss that left you breathless, thrusting his fingers back in hard, curling them against that spot that made your stars burst behind your eyelids, “say you’re mine. admit it, honey — tell me you’re all mine and no one else’s.”
you whimpered into his mouth, the words tumbling out as your body surrendered to the building pressure, “i’m yours,” you gasped, breaking the kiss to meet his gaze, the admission raw and freeding, “fuck, dejun, i’m yours.”
a triumphant groan rumbled from his chest and he rewarded you by pumping his fingers faster, scissoring them to stretch you wider, his thumb pressing relentless on your clit, “all mine,” he growled against your lips, sealing the words with another deep kiss, the pressure building until your thighs trembled, breaths coming in short, desperate pants mingled with the slick slide of your lips. all you could feel was him — his touch, his kisses, the raw confessions tangled with filthy praise, “that’s it, honey, grind on my fingers. fuck, you’re perfect — come for me, please….i need it,” and with a final curl of his fingers, you shattered, walls fluttering around his digits, your cry muffled against his mouth. he held you through it, slowing his movements but not stopping, drawing out every aftershock until you sagged against him.
he withdrew his fingers gently, bringing them to his lips to suck them clean, eyes locked on yours with unfiltered adoration. the afterglow lingered like a haze, your body humming from the release, breaths syncing in the quiet aftermath. dejun’s arms wrapped around you, holding you close against his chest, his heartbeat steady under your ear. for a moment, neither of you spoke, just the soft rhythm of breathing filling the small space. his fingers traced lazy patters on your back, gentle and reassuring, as if anchoring you both to this fragile peace. you pulled back slightly, meeting his eyes — soft now, stripped of the earlier desperation, filled instead with a quiet hope, “we should get back,” you murmured. he nodded but his hand lingered on your waist, helping you smooth down your skirt with careful touches, tucking a stray hair behind your ear. you returned the favor, straightening his collar, brushing your fingers over the faint flush on his cheeks, wiping away a smudge of your lipstick from his lips with your thumb. it was intimate, these small acts, a silent promise woven into the mundane.
as you turned toward the door, his hand caught your wrist, fingers warm and firm, stopping you in your tracks, “you’ll end it with him, right?” his voice was low, vulnerable, eyes searching yours for the certainty he craved.
you scoffed lightly, an amused curve to your lips despite the weight of the question, “what do you think?” without waiting for his reply, you tugged him down, capturing his mouth in one last kiss — slow and deep, pouring all the unspoken assurances into it. his lips moved against yours with a tenderness that made your chest ache, his hand cupping your face as if savoring every second. when you finally broke away, the bathroom felt smaller, the air charged but resolved. you slipped out first, heart pounding as you made your way back to the table, dejun following a beat later to avoid suspicion. the restaurant's hum enveloped you again, the clink of glasses and murmur of conversations, a stark contrast to the intensity you'd left behind. winwin and shuhua were deep in discussion, heads bent close over some shared story, laughter bubbling between them—completely oblivious to the storm that had just passed. you slid into your seat beside winwin, the fabric of your skirt settling as you forced a casual expression.
he turned to you immediately, brow furrowing just a touch, “hey, what took so long? everything okay?” his concern was genuine, warm as always, but it twisted something inside you. you met his gaze, the apology already shining in your eyes —soft, regretful, a silent prelude to what was coming, “yeah…there was a long line,” you glanced at dejun one last time before leaning in closer, voice dropping, “can we talk outside? just you and me?”
winwin's smile faltered slightly, a flicker of confusion crossing his features, but he nodded without hesitation, ever the steady one, “of course. lead the way.”
the cool night air brushed against your skin as you stepped outside the restaurant with winwin, the door swinging shut behind you with a soft thud. the street was quieter here, away from the lively hum inside, lit by the warm glow of string lights draped over the entrance. you leaned against the brick wall, arms crossed loosely, searching for the right words while winwin stood facing you, his posture relaxed but attentive, hands tucked into his pockets. he tilted his head slightly, that gentle concern still in his eyes. “what's going on? you look like you've got something heavy on your mind.”
you took a breath, “winwin, i... i need to be honest with you,” the words tumbling out before you could second-guess them. he nodded, urging you to go on. there’s never an easy way to end things. never an easy way to reject someone. so you just hit him with honesty.
“tonight…seeing xiaojun—it's made everything clear. i know this might be coming out of nowhere but i realized i have feelings for him….and i can't ignore them anymore — this, us... it's not fair to you. i thought maybe it could work, but it doesn't feel right.” you kept your voice steady, omitting the raw intensity of the bathroom, the confessions and touches that still lingered on your skin like a secret.
winwin's expression softened, no trace of anger or surprise twisting his features — just understanding, the kind that came so naturally to him. he nodded slowly, exhaling as if he'd sensed it coming, “i appreciate you telling me now, before things went further. really, thank you for that. it means a lot that you're being upfront,” his tone was sincere, laced with that unwavering kindness, like he was more concerned about your honesty than his own disappointment.
you stared at him, a wave of awe washing over you. how could someone handle this with such grace? “you're too nice, winwin. seriously. any girl would be so lucky to have you.”
he smiled then, a small, bittersweet curve of his lips, but you caught the flicker of pain in his eyes, the subtle shadow that dimmed the warmth for just a moment, “it's just not my time, i guess,” he said softly, shrugging as if to brush it off, though the words carried a quiet weight.
“i’m sorry,” you murmured, the apology slipping out, heavy with regret for the hurt you knew you were causing, even if he hid it well.
“no need,” he shook his head gently, “well, i’ll just head back in, pay for our dinner, and be on my way.”
but that didn't sit right with you — the idea of him footing the bill after everything felt like one more layer of unfairness. you reached out, touching his arm lightly, “no, please. let it be on me. i still owe you for ruining your shirt that first time we met, remember?”
a soft laugh escaped him, light and genuine, easing the tension between you for a brief second, “okay. thank you. i wish you the best—truly. it was nice to meet you,” then he extended his hand, and you shook it, his grip firm and warm, a final gesture of respect before he turned and walked away, his figure fading into the night with that same unhurried poise.
meanwhile, back at the table, xiaojun sat across from shuhua, the remnants of their untouched meal growing cold between them. the restaurant's ambient chatter filled the air, but the space around them felt thick with unspoken tension. he shifted in his seat, rubbing his palms against his thighs before finally meeting her eyes, “shuhua, i need to explain something,” he started, his voice low and steady, though his fingers drummed nervously on the tablecloth. she looked at him with a raised eyebrow and he took it as a sign to continue,
“that night at the party...when i left you like that? it wasn't random. i realized i had feelings for someone else,” he glanced at you from the window, shuhua following his line of vision, “and those feelings hit me hard…they never really went away, they've been here, building up, and tonight...i,” then he glanced back at her. he could almost see the puzzle piecing together in her brain, “i couldn't pretend anymore.'
shuhua's fork clattered against her plate, her eyes narrowing as the words sank in. her face flushed, a mix of betrayal and anger twisting her features, “you were the one who reached out to me,” her voice rose, sharp enough to draw a few glances from nearby tables, “you were the one who asked me out on this date.”
xiaojun winced, leaning forward, “i’m sorry. i thought i could move on, but—” before he could finish, shuhua's hand shot out, the slap landing across his cheek with a resounding crack that silenced their corner of the room. his head snapped to the side, the sting blooming hot and immediate. she stood abruptly, chair scraping back, her chest heaving, “you're a dick, xiaojun. you could’ve just left me alone. don’t ever contact me again.” then she stormed toward the exit, heels clicking furiously against the floor.
as you pushed through the door back into the restaurant, shuhua’s glare locked onto you like a laser — pure venom, accusatory and raw — before she shoved past and disappeared into the night. you spotted dejun at the counter, handing over his card to the cashier, his back to you. the red handprint on his cheek stood out starkly under the warm lighting, already starting to swell. he turned as the receipt printed, catching your eye with a rueful half-smile.
“i’m guessing she didn't take that very well,” you said, stepping closer, your gaze flicking to the mark.
he chuckled softly, “no, she didn't. how was winwin?'
you shrugged, the weight of the conversation outside still lingering but lighter now, “he was….nice. the usual.” without thinking, you reached for his hand, your fingers intertwining with his, “come on, let's ice that thing.” he squeezed your hand back, his smile widening into something genuine and relieved. you headed out of the restaurant together, the cool evening breeze greeting you as you stepped into the street, faces lit with matching grins that chased away the night's earlier shadows.
🍯 NOVEMBER 15 - I DON’T WANT TO RUSH 🍯
the door to your apartment clicks shut behind you, the familiar creak of the hinges echoing softly in the quiet space, dejun still holding the ice pack that you bought at the convenience store across the restaurant against his cheek. he kicks off his shoes haphazardly by the entryway, strides to your kitchen counter, and tossed it down your sink with a faint thud, the chill forgotten as his eyes lock onto yours.
in two quick steps, he's closing the distance, hands finding your waist and pulling you flush against him. his lips crash into yours, warm and insistent, tasting faintly of the mint he'd popped on the walk over, “i missed you,” he murmurs against your mouth, the words sweet and laced with that raw honesty you've come to crave. you smirk into the kiss, your hand rising to cup his cheek, still tender from the slap. your thumb brushes over the fading red mark, gentle but teasing.
“well, no one told you to go disappearing,” you say, pulling back just enough to meet his gaze, your voice light but pointed, “by the way,” you smile, warm eyes locked on his whispering a soft, “i love you, too.”
his grin spreads wide, lighting up his face like the city lights filtering through the window, “you don't have to say it just because i said it.”
you shake your head no, fingers tracing the line of his jaw, “you're right. i can’t stop thinking about you either. another guy's touch felt wrong—i just wanted to keep being with you, talking to you… even if I was left on delivered,” you tease.
he chuckles, the sound low and rumbling in his chest, vibrating against you, “i’'m never doing that again. that was the worst week of my life.” your laughter bubbles up, free and genuine, and he seizes the moment, leaning in to kiss you softly. his lips move slow, savoring, sending warmth pooling low in your belly. it’s tender, this exchange, no rush, just the two of you breathing each other in, the earlier chaos of the night melting away.
but the sweetness doesn't stay soft for long. his hands slide up your sides, thumbs grazing the undersides of your breasts through your shirt, and you arch into him with a soft sigh. you back toward the hallway, lips locked, never breaking the connection as he follows, his body pressing you onward. your fingers tangle in his hair, tugging lightly to angle his head deeper, and he groans into your mouth, the sound hungry.
your bedroom door swings open. dejun’s mouth is on yours before you can catch your breath, his kisses turning languid, exploratory, lips brushing, tongues teasing without hurry. you melt into him, hands sliding under his shirt to feel the warm planes of his back, pulling him closer as you both ease toward your bed. he guides you down onto the mattress, his body following, settling between your legs with a careful weight that pins you just enough to spark heat, hips pressing forward in a slow, deliberate grind against your core. the rough denim of his jeans drags over your panties, the friction immediate and teasing, sending sparks up your spine. you gasp into his mouth, legs parting wider and he rocks again, harder this time, his cock straining through the fabric. it’s torturous, the barrier keeping everything just out of reach, building that ache deep in your belly as his movements stay unhurried, syncing with the deepening of your kiss.
he breaks off the kiss to trail kisses from your mouth to your jaw, nipping softly at the skin there, then down the column of your throat, deliberate and slow, his breath fanning hot over your pulse as he sucks a mark, making you arch into the grind of his hips. the pressure builds with every roll — his bulge catching your clit, making your thighs tremble as you soak through your underwear.
“honey, i really, really need you,” he whispers against your collarbone, voice rough with unspoken want, his hands framing your hips to hold you steady while he humps forward again, the motion pulling a low whine from your throat.
you tilt your head to meet his eyes, fingers threading through his hair, “you have me, dejun.” but his gaze is distant, stormy with something deeper than lust, vulnerability flickering in the way his brows furrow. he presses another kiss to the hollow of your throat, lips lingering as if drawing strength from you, all while his hips circles yours in a lazy rhythm, denim scraping deliciously against your swollen folds.
“are you scared?” you ask softly, your thumb stroking his cheek, even as you lift your hips to meet his next thrust, your bodies finding a shared pace that has sweat beading on his forehead.
he pauses, mouth hovering over the swell of your breast, exhaling shakily, “what if i can’t satisfy you?”
“you don’t have to worry about that,” you murmur, cupping his face to pull him up for a gentle kiss, reassuring him with the press of your lips, “we can take it at your pace.” his eyes soften, but the doubt lingers.
“why not?” his voice cracks just a little, eyes searching yours as he hovers above you, body tense with restraint.
“because it’s you,” you say simply, your hands slipping down to tug at his shirt, urging it up and over his head. he lets you, tossing it aside, and then his fingers are at the hem of your top, lifting it slowly, exposing inch by inch of your skin to the cool air, leaving you in your bra. he stares for a moment, breath hitching, before leaning down to kiss the exposed curve of your shoulder, then your arm, trailing wet, open-mouthed kisses along your collarbone. his hands follow, palms gliding over your sides. he hooks his fingers into your bra straps, sliding them down your shoulders with agonizing slowness, his lips mapping every newly bared spot. when he reaches around to unclasp the bra, it falls away. he doesn’t rush. instead, he cups one breast in his hand, thumb circling your nipple until hardened under his touch. his mouth follows, tongue flicking out to lap at the peak, soft and teasing at first, then closing his lips around it to suck gently.
you gasp, fingers lightly gripping his hair as pleasure sparks through you, slow building like a simmer, amplified by the persistent drag of his jeans against your soaked panties. he switches sides, giving the other nipple the same attention, licking flat and broad then pinching lightly between his fingers while he sucks, drawing out whimpers you can’t hold back. his free hand roams lower, sliding up your skirt and cupping a cheek.
“let’s get this off,” he murmurs against your skin, voice husky, as his hands work your skirt and underwear down your legs, leaving you bare. his clothed cock presses directly against your pussy, and he rocks forward once, experimentally, the rough denim scrapes deliciously over your slick folds, his cock throbbing through the fabric, so close yet still held back by that last barrier. you reach up, cupping his face in both hands, thumbs brushing the sharp line of his jaw to ground him, to pull him back from the edge of his doubts.
“dejun,” you whisper, your voice soft but steady, eyes locking onto his stormy ones, “it doesn’t have to be perfect. it just has to be us. right here, like this.”
his breath hitches, he swallows hard, forehead creasing over as he searches your face, “but…i’ve only done this once. and it was nothing. quick, awkward, i didn’t even know what i was doing. what if i’m still that guy? what if i mess this up for you?” his voice cracks on the last word.
you shake your head gently, fingers trailing down to his neck, feeling the rapid flutter of his pulse, “hey, stop. that one time doesn’t define you. this is different. you’re different with me.” his eyes flutter shut briefly, and you continue trying to reassure him, “we can stop if you want but first tell me what you’re feeling.”
he exhales shakily, leaning down to press his lips to your collarbone, kissing the skin there softly before murmuring against it, “scared. excited. like my heart’s gonna burst if i don’t get this right,” his hand slides up your side, palm warm and tentative as he cups your breast again, thumb circling the nipple he’d been sucking earlier, now red and sensitive from his attention, a soft moan slipping from your lips.
“you’re already getting it right,” you breath, your hand covering his on your breast, guiding him to squeeze a little firmer, “feel how wet i am? that’s because of you, dejun. the way you’re taking your time, touching me like you can’t get enough.”
“really?” he asks, voice small, almost boyish, as he lifts his head to meet your gaze again, “i keep thinking about how you helped me before, all those tips…but this doesn’t feel like practice. it feels…real.”
you smile up at him, pulling him down for a slow kiss, tongues sliding lazily as your legs wrap tighter around his waist, “that’s because this isn’t practice,” you murmur when you break apart, nipping at his lower lip, “it’s just us figuring it out together. no tips. no lessons. just what feels good. what do you want right now?”
he hesitates, cheeks flushing deeper as he grinds down, the wet patch on his jeans darkening with your arousal, “i want to feel you,” he says, voice rough and low, eyes darkening with need, “all of you.”
“then let’s start by taking this off,” you smile softly, your fingers unbuttoning his jeans. he lifts his hips to help, shoving the denim down his thighs along with his boxers in one hurried motion. his cock springs free, thick and hard, the tip already glistening with pre-cum, bobbing against his stomach as he kicks the clothes aside. the sight of him fully exposed like this — vulnerable, eager, his chest rising and falling rapidly, makes your core clench with anticipation. you glance up at him, hand hovering near his length but not quite touching yet, “do you have a condom?”
dejun nods softly, his face turning an even deeper shade of red as he fumbles for his wallet tucked in the back pocket of his jeans now on the floor, pulling out a foil packet with trembling fingers, “yeah, i…here,” he hands it over, avoiding your eyes for second, then muttered, “i have no idea if that’s still good.”
you laugh lightly, the sound easing some of the tension in his shoulders as you turn the packet over, checking the expiration date, “you’re good,” you assure him, tearing it open, “there’s still a month left,” you smirk, making him chuckle in response.
“can i put it on for you?” you ask. he nods in response and you rolled the condom onto his shaft, gripping him firmly and sliding the latex down inch by inch, feeling the heat of him pulse under your palm. he hisses sharply at the contact, hips jerking forward involuntarily, his hands fisting the sheets on either side of you.
“fuck,” he breathes, eyes squeezing shut for a moment before locking onto yours again, wide with a mix of nerves and desire. you guide him toward you then, positioning his body between your spread thighs, one hand on his hip to steady him while the other wraps around his covered cock, aligning the tip with your entrance. your pussy is soaked, slicked from all the grinding and his head nudges against your folds, parting them slightly. you look up at him for one last confirmation, searching his face — his brows furrowed, lips parted, that raw vulnerability shining through.
“just push in when you’re ready,” you whisper, your voice gentle but encouraging, thumb stroking soothing circles on his hip.
dejun swallows hard, nodding as he braces one arm beside your head, the other hand reaching down to grip your thigh, holding it open wider, “okay,” he murmurs, more to himself than you, his breath hitching as he shifts forward. his tip presses in slowly, stretching your walls with a delicious burn and you both moan at the feeling of him sinking into your tight heat for the first time, inch by inch. his eyes flutter shut, a low groan rumbling from his chest as he bottoms out, hips flush against yours, filling you completely.
“oh, god,” he pants, forehead dropping to rest against your shoulder, body trembling above you, “you feel….so good. so warm around me. is this…am i hurting you?”
you shake your head, wrapping your arms around his back, nails lightly scraping down his spine to pull him closer, “no, dejun, it feels amazing. just…stay still for a second. let us both feel it.” your pussy flutters around him instinctively, drawing another hiss from his lips, and he buries his face in your neck, inhaling your scent as if grounding himself.
after a beat, he lifts his head, searching your eyes again, his own filled with that boyish uncertainty mixed with growing confidence, “what now? do i….move? tell me how it feels for you. i don’t want to rush.”
“move when it feels right,” you reply softly, rocking your hips up just a little to test the waters, the motion making his cock slide deeper before pulling back slightly. he mirrors it tentatively, a shallow thrust that has you moaning low in your throat, your pussy clenching around him in response, “like that — slow at first. yeah, just like that. god, you fill me up so well.”
his thrusts gain a subtle rhythm, each one drawing out shared breaths and soft sounds, “does it feel good for you, too?” he asks between pants.
“it feels really good,” you assure him, meeting his next thrust with your own, the slap of skin growing wetter as your arousal coats him, “you’re doing so good, dejun. keep talking to me — tell me what you’re thinking.”
he groans, pace quickening just a fraction, his free hand intertwining with yours as he guides it by your head, squeezing as he drives in deeper, “i’m thinking…i never want this to end. the way you squeeze me…it’s like you're pulling me in. fuck, i can feel every inch of you gripping me—am i going too fast?”
“no, keep going,” you gasp, legs locking around his waist to urge him on, the coil in your belly tightening with each push. he rolled his hips experimentally, the head of his cock nudging different spots inside you until suddenly, on one upward tilt, he hit that perfect angle. it grazes your g-spot, sending a jolt of pleasure ripping through your core, stealing your breath, back arching off the bed as a gasp escapes you.
“oh fuck, dejun—right there,” you manage, voice breaking, and he freezes for a split second, realization dawning on his face before he does it again, deliberately angling his hips to hit that same spot. his tempo picks up, steady, pulling out almost to the tip then thrusting in deep, grinding against that sensitive spot with each pass. the slap of his hips against yours grows louder, wetter, your pussy sucking him in greedily and he groans low, sweat beading on his forehead as he watches your face twist in ecstasy.
“you’re so tight,” he pants, his free hand sliding down to your hip, fingers digging in as he holds you steady for his thrusts, “i can feel you clenching around me,” his pace quickens just a notch, that angle making your breaths come in short, desperate bursts. he’s finding it now, the tempo that syncs with your body’s responses — the way your walls grip him tighter when he hits deep, the soft whimpers you let out that spur him on.
but his rhythm falters slightly, thrusts turning erratic as his own pleasure builds, face contorting with the effort to hold back, “i’m not gonna last long,” he confesses, voice raw and pleading, eyes locked on yours with that vulnerable intensity, “please, please come with me. i want to feel you clench around me when you do.”
“okay,” you manage to whisper in between soft moans, nodding quickly, your hand slipping down between your bodies without hesitation. your fingers find your clit, swollen and slick from everything and you start rubbing firm circles, the added pressure making your pussy tighten even more around his pounding cock, pushing you closer fast, heat coiling tight in your belly.
dejun watches, mesmerized, his thrusts slowing to a deep grind as his gaze drops to where your hand moves, then flicks back to your face, “that’s…so hot,” he breathes, hips jerking forward despite himself, chasing the sight of you touching yourself for him. his cock throbs inside you, the condom doing little to hide how close he is but he grits how teeth, forcing himself to hold on, matching your pace. the pressure builds unbearably, your circles quickening as his cock fills you over and over, the angle stealing breath after breath until you’re gasping, body trembling beneath him, “dejun—i’m close, don’t stop,” you urge and he nods frantically, sweat dripping from his brows onto your chest as he drives in deeper. his hand comes down to cover yours briefly, pressing it firmer against your clit and it hits you — the orgasm crashing through you like a wave, your pussy spasming hard around his cock, milking him with rhythmic squeezes as you cry out his name, “dejun—fuck, yes!,” your vision blurs, thighs shaking, eyes rolling back.
that does it for him — “oh, god, fuck—” he groans loud, hips stuttering as he thrusts once, twice more, then stills, cock pulsing as he comes hard inside the condom, filling it with spurts, his knuckles gripping the sheets white. he gasps, collapsing forward on his elbows to avoid crushing you, his face buried in your neck as aftershocks ripple through both of you. he stays there, panting against your skin, his softening cock still twitching inside your fluttering walls, the intimacy of the shared release wrapping around you like a warm blanket.
after a long moment, he lifts his head, eyes soft and sated, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips and whispering, “i love you.” you whisper it back, soft but certain, sealing it with a soft kiss.
your body is still humming with the echoes of release, muscles loose and warm as dejun’s weight presses against you. he shifts slightly, propping himself up one elbow to look at you, a shy smile tugging at his lips, “now i understand why every guy i know is pussy whipped for their girlfriends,” he jokes, thumb brushing your jawline in a feather-light tough. you laugh, the sound light and bubbling up from your chest, easing the last remnants of tension between you. he chuckles too, the vibration rumbling through his body into yours, his free hand coming up to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. the moment feels easy, playful, like the vulnerability from before has melted into something shared and sweet.
slowly, he eases back, pulling out. the condom clinging to his spent cock. you reach down, fingers gentle as you grasp him, rolling the warm latex off him carefully, “careful there,” he murmurs, voice husky and low, a hint of amusement in his tone as he watches your hand work, “don’t want to make a mess.”
“wouldn’t dream of it,” you smile up at him, pressing a quick kiss to his lips before tossing it into the trash bin beside your nightstand. he watches you with that same soft gaze, a faint blush creeping back up on his neck. you grab a tissue from your nightstand, wiping him down with unhurried strokes along his length and thighs. he sighs contentedly, grabbing another tissue and returning the care by dabbing gently between your legs, his touch light and attentive, drawing a quiet hum from your lips. once done, he discards the tissues, pulling the rumpled sheets over both of you and drawing you close against his side. you curl into him, head resting on his chest, the steady beat of his heart lulling you as his arm drapes around your shoulders, fingers idly tracing circles on your skin. the room quiets, wrapped in the warmth of each other and sleep tugs you under together, limbs entwined in peaceful surrender.
🍯 NOVEMBER 16 - BREAKFAST 🍯
sunlight filter through the curtains, casting a warm glow across the rumpled sheets as you stir awake. the bed feels too empty beside you, dejun’s side cool and untouched, but the sweet, buttery scent of pancakes wafts from the kitchen, pulling a sleepy smile to your lips. no confusion this time — just a quiet certainty that he’s still here.
you slip out of bed, pulling on his oversized shirt that hangs loose over your thighs, the fabric soft against your skin. then you pad down the short hallway, the aroma growing stronger. there he is — standing at the counter, humming a soft tune under his breath, as he plates a stack of golden pancakes, drizzling syrup with careful focus. without a word, you step up behind him, wrapping your arms around his waist in a gentle back hug, your cheeks pressing against the warmth of his shoulder blade. he pauses, his body relaxing into your hold and tilts his head just enough to press a kiss to your temple, “good morning,” he whispers, voice bright with a tender edge that makes your chest flutter. you sigh in content, nuzzling closer, “you know, as much as i love breakfast in the morning, i would really like to wake up with you next to me.”
he chuckles softly, the sound vibrating through him and sets the spatula down before turning in your embrace. his arms slide around your waist, pulling you flush against him, his hands splaying warm across your lower back, “i’ll keep that in mind,” he murmurs, eyes crinkling with a shy smile that still holds a hint of last night’s vulnerability. then he leans in, capturing your lips in a kiss that’s soft and slow, unhurried like the morning itself. his mouth moves against yours with a gentle pressure, tasting faintly of coffee and you melt into it, your fingers curling around his neck.
the kiss deepens naturally, tongues brushing together lazily, the lingering tension from the night before sparking back to life — a low hum of need that neither of you has fully shaken. dejun’s hands tighten on your hips, drawing you nearer until you’re pressed between the counter and his body, the heat of him seeping through the thin layers of clothing. you tilt your head, parting your lips wider as the kiss grows hungrier, breaths mingling in soft gasps. the pancakes sit forgotten on the plate as the makeout session builds, bodies shifting cloer, the air between you thickening with that electric pull. you arch into him, one leg hooking around his thigh to pull him closer, feeling the hard line of his cock straining against his boxers, grinding subtly against your core through the thin barrier of his shirt on your skin. his hands cups your ass, squeezing firmly and a low whine rumbles from your chest into his, the air growing thick with the scent of arousal.
but then dejun pulls back abruptly, his breath coming in short pants, forehead resting against yours as he squeezes his eyes shut, “honey, wait,” he murmurs, voice strained, like he’s fighting every instinct to keep going. you blink up at him, concern flickering though the haze of want, “is everything okay?”
he opens his eyes, that shy smile breaking through, cheeks flushing a soft pink as he rubrics the back of his neck, “i just…don’t have another condom.” a laugh bubbles out of you, light and surprised, easing the tension just enough to make him chuckle too, though his gaze drops to your lips, “i swear i’ll go buy three boxers right after breakfast,” he adds, his tone turning silly, brows waggling in mock seriousness.
you laugh harder, shaking your head, “you’re a freak, dejun.”
he quirks a brow, leaning in closer, his hands still firm on your waist, “it’s not my fault my girl’s beautiful and i’m obsessed with her.”
you slap his chest playfully, rolling your eyes even as a smile tugs at your lips, warmth spreading through you at his words, “god, i forgot you’re a hopeless romantic.”
he laughs, the sound bright and genuine, pulling you tighter, “too much?”
you shake your head no, biting you lip, “no…i like it.”
the words make his heart flutter before crashing his mouth against yours again, smiling into the kiss, the heat surging back tenfold. then it turned demanding, teeth nipping at your lower lip as his hand slips higher under the shirt. you break away first this time, gasping for air, your hands on his shoulders to create some space, “okay, okay…we should probably eat.”
“we will,” he replies, stealing another quick kiss, his lips lingering, “but i want something else right now.”
you raise a brow, smirking, “you’re not hitting it raw, dejun. i’m too scared of teenage pregnancy.”
he bursts out laughing, head tipping back, the sound filling the kitchen, “honey…we’re in our twenties.”
you laugh too, “exactly.”
his expression shifts, playful heat darkening his eyes as he steps closer, voice dropping low, “we don’t need condoms for what i want to do,” he winks and before you can reply, his hands grip your thighs, hoisting you up onto the cool granite of the kitchen counter with effortless strength. the shirt rides up, exposing your bare pussy to the air and he’s spreading your thighs wide with firm hands.
dejun’s gaze locks on your folds, already slick and glistening and he licks his lips, a hungry groan escaping him, “fuck, look at you,” he breathes, leaning in to press a soft kiss to your inner thigh, then higher, his breath hot against your clit. his tongue flicks out tentatively at first, tracing the length of your slit from the entrance to your clit, lapping up your wetness with a slow, deliberate stroke that makes your hips buck. you thread your fingers into his hair, tugging lightly as he dives deeper, mouth sealing over your pussy. his tongue circles your clit firmly, sucking gently, the pleasure coiling tight in your core. you moan, head falling back against the cabinet. dejun’s hands hold your thighs open, fingers digging into the soft flesh as he eats you out like he’s starved. he hums against you, the vibration sending sparks up your spine and one hand slides up to pinch your nipple through the shirt, rolling it between his fingers. your breaths come in sharp gasps, pussy clenching around nothing as he works you higher, tongue flicking faster, relentless, “dejun…oh god,” you whimper, grinding against his face, chasing the edge, your grip on his head tightening. he doesn’t let up, nose bumping your clit as his tongue continues to fuck you with quick, deep thrusts while his thumb takes over rubbing circles on your swollen nub. the pressure builds unbearably, your thighs trembling around his head and with a cry, your orgasm crashes through you — hard and fast, walls fluttering as waves of pleasure rip from your core, juices flooding his mouth. dejun laps it all up greedily, moaning like it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted, drawing out your climax until you’re shuddering, oversensitive and spent.
finally, he pulls back, lips shiny with your release, chin glistening as he looks up at you with those dark, satisfied eyes. he rises slowly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before leaning in to kiss you deeply, letting you taste yourself on his tongue. you notice his hard cock pressing insistently against your thigh, your hands trailing down his abs to his member — then pulling away, you smirk at him, hand wrapping around him, “the pancakes can wait a little longer.”
🍯 NOVEMBER 17 - WHERE IT ALL STARTED 🍯
dejun 🦖🩷: hi my honey
dejun 🦖🩷: meet me at the abandoned film wing tonight…8pm?
my honey 🐝❤️: don’t tell me
my honey 🐝❤️: was this all an elaborate plan for my murder?
dejun 🦖🩷: guess you’ll just have to find out ;)
the day drags on with classes and errands but anticipation simmers under your skin and by evening, you slip into a simple skirt and top as you make your way to the old film building. the last time you were here, it was all dust and shadows, the air chill and forgotten. you push open the creaky door, bracing for the same emptiness — but warmth greets you instead, flickering candlelight dances across the walls, casting soft glows on stacked books and scattered petals.
dejun stands by the table in the center, dressed in a black button-up that hugs his shoulders, holding a bouquet that's half flowers, half books. mystery and crime novels mixed with vibrant blooms. you step closer, a laugh escaping as you recognize the titles.
“what’s all this?” you ask, your voice echoing softly in the transformed space.
“thought we could go back to where it all started,” he says, his eyes locking on yours with pure adoration, voice low and sincere. he steps forward, offering the bouquet, “and i want to ask you something.”
you grab the bouquet from him, a flicker of confusion in your eyes, “what is it?”
“will you be my girlfriend?”
the words hit you like a like a quiet thunder, simple yet profound — you’ve never heard them directed at you before, not like this, wrapped in candlelight and intention. awe blooms in your chest and you tilt your head, hiding the smile begging to burst free, “i thought i already was?”
“yeah,” he murmurs, closing the distance to pull you gently against him, a smile on his lips, his hands settling on your waist, “you are…but i wanted to ask you properly.”
you lean in, pressing your lips to his in a soft kiss, smiling into the warmth of it, the faint scent of his cologne, now your favorite scent, mixing with the wax from the candles, “i would love to be your girlfriend.”
“good,” he breathes, his hand sliding to the back of your neck as he deepens the kiss. he grabs the bouquet, placing them on the table as he pulls you closer. your hands roam up his chest, fingers curling into his shirt and he groans softly, nipping at your bottom lip.
but you pull back just enough, breath ragged, eyes gleaming, “were you able to buy condoms?”
he laughs, the sound rich and amused, fishing into his pocket for his wallet. he slides the foil packet between two fingers, holding it up like a card, “fresh from the store.”
“good,” you smirk, yanking him back by his collar for a deeper kiss, all teeth and tongue, body arching into his. dejun’s hands grip your thighs, lifting you effortlessly onto the cool silver table, the metal smooth under your skirt as it hikes up. he steps between your legs, kissing down your neck, sucking marks into your skin while his fingers work the buttons of your top open, exposing your bra. you shrug it off and he unhooks the clasp with a flick, mouth descending to suck on your nipple, tongue swirling around the hardening peak as you gasp, threading fingers through his hair.
your hands fumble with his belt, unzipping his pants to free his cock, already hardening and throbbing in your palm. you stroke him firmly, thumb circling the slick head and he hisses against your breast, hips bucking, “fuck, honey,” he mutters, pulling back to shove your skirt higher. he rips open the condom packet, rolling it on with steady hands, confidence in every motion, then he tugs your panties to the side, aligning his tip at your entrance, your pussy clenching in anticipation.
he pushes in, slow at first, both of your moaning at the stretch, “god, you’re so wet for me already,” he groans, bottoming out, “feels even better than last time.”
you wrap your legs around his waist, heels digging into his back, urging him faster, “dejun, move—please, i need you deeper,” you whine, nails scraping his back as he starts thrusting, measured and deep, savoring the drag of your heat around him. he's less nervous now, his hips snapping forward in a rhythm that's powerful, unrelenting, the table creaking under the force, “like this? tell me how it feels,” he pants, voice rough, leaning down to capture your mouth in a messy kiss, swallowing your gasps.
“so good—fuck, right there, don’t stop,” you moan into his lips, rocking against him, your clit rubbing against his base with every thurst, the heat building sharp and fast, “you’re hitting it perfect, dejun — harder.”
he obliges, pace quickening, hands bracing tightly on your hips, eyes locked on yours, dark with lust but softened by adoration, “you’re mine now, all mine — say it,” he demands between grunts.
“yours, dejun—only yours,” you cry out, the words pushing you closer. he reaches between you, fingers finding your clit to rub tight circles and you buck wildly, “fuck—i’m close, so close.”
“cum for me, honey,” he growls, thrusts turning erratic, the wet slap of skin echoing in the candlelit room as you clench around him impossibly tight, thighs trembling, juices soaking his cock, “that’s it, fuck—good girl, so beautiful when you come.” he follows seconds later, groaning your name as he buries deep, cock twitching with release, filling the condom. he gasps, riding it out with shallow thrusts, prolonging the bliss until you’re both spent, foreheads pressed together, breaths mingling.
“my girlfriend,” he whispers, voice husky, wrapping you in his arms as the candles flicker on, the night wrapping around you.
🍯 DECEMBER 1 - THE STUDENT HAS SURPASSED HIS MASTER 🍯
two weeks have slipped by in a blur of shared glances, late-night confession, and the kind of closeness that feels like home. dejun's gotten under your skin in the best way — he notices the flicker of doubt in your eyes before you even voice it, pulling you close with a quiet “we'll figure it out” that makes staying feel natural, not forced. you’ve both been navigating this relationship like it's a new language, stumbling sometimes but always circling back to each other, stronger for it.
you're sprawled on the living room floor, textbooks splayed around you like a battlefield, highlighters scattered amid the chaos of final exam prep. dejun's been holed up in your bedroom for the last hour, probably scrolling on his phone or napping, as he usually does after his own classes. but then the door creaks open, and he bursts in with that boyish energy that always pulls a smile from you, “honey… guess what i found,” he says, voice laced with mischief.
you don't look up right away, pen scratching across your notebook as you murmur, “what?”
“this,” he dangles the silver handcuffs from his fingers, the metal glinting in the light.
you glance up then, a teasing smile curving your lips, “oh… forgot i had those.”
he smirks, sauntering toward you with purpose, his eyes darkening with intent, “you should take a break… all that studying can't be good for your mind,” dropping down behind you on the couch, his thighs bracketing your sides as he leans in, lips brushing feather-light kisses along your shoulders, exposed by your loose tank top.
“hmmm, and what should i do during my break?' you tease, tilting your head to give him better access, a shiver racing down your spine at the warmth of his mouth.
“hmmm,” he hums against your skin, nipping gently before his hand captures yours. the cool click of the cuff locks around your wrist, sending a thrill straight to your core, “i think we should have some fun.”
you watch him, a small smile playing on your face, that familiar tingle blooming low in your stomach as he shifts to kneel in front of you, “yeah?”
“yeah,” he echoes, voice dropping husky as he guides your cuffed hand behind your back, securing the other wrist with a decisive snap. the position arches your chest slightly, your arms pinned behind you, leaving you exposed and eager under his gaze. he pauses, searching your eyes for that spark of consent. you lean in first, capturing his lips in a soft kiss that quickly turns heated — all tongue and tasting like the faint mint from his gum. you moan quietly into his mouth, pressing closer, the restraint heightening every sensation.
dejun breaks the kiss with a groan, his hands roaming your sides, thumbs grazing your breasts through your top, “god, you look so fucking hot like this,” he murmurs, voice rough with want. his fingers bunch the fabric of your tank top upward, twisting it just enough to expose your breasts without pulling it off — the cuffs making that impossible.
you're trapped between his solid body and the body of the couch behind you, pressing into your spine as he leans in closer, his breath hot against your skin. he captures one nipple between his lips, sucking firmly while his tongue swirls the hardened peak, teeth grazing the sensitive flesh in a way that sends jolts straight to your core.
“fuck, so perfect,” he growls, switching to the other side, pinching the wet one with his fingers to keep the sting alive. his mouth works relentlessly, alternating between deep sucks that pull your nipple taut and light flicks of his tongue that make your thighs clench. you can only arch into his touch, your breaths coming in sharp gasps as heat pools low in your belly.
“dejun—” you whimper, voice breaking as the sharp tug of his teeth makes your hips buck involuntarily. the way he’s fixated on your chest, like nothing else exists, has your skin flushing hot, every nerve ending alive and begging for more.
he rolls the other nipple between his thumb and forefinger, twisting gently at first, then harder, matching the rhythm of his sucking on the other, “love how they perk up for me,” he whispers, his voice vibrating against your chest, sending fresh sparks through you.
you gasp sharply, back bowing off the couch, “that—feels so good,” you manage, your words tumbling out in a rush, the ache between your legs growing insistent but untouched. his eyes flick up to meet yours, dark with hunger and he hums in approval before pulling back just to blow a cool stream of air over the slick, peaked bud, “you’re getting so worked up already,” he murmurs, his fingers now circling the base of your breast, squeezing to push the sensitive bud deeper into his mouth. he sucks harder, alternating with soft bites that make you whine, your thighs pressing together in a futile attempt to ease the building throb.
“please…don’t stop,” you beg, your voice husky, the cuffs digging into your wrists as you strain against them, desperate to touch him, to hold his head closer. the helplessness amping up the intensity, every swirl of his tongue feeling like it’s stoking a fire low in your gut.
“not stopping until you fall apart for me,” he promises, his tone rough and commanding, “wanna make you cum just like this,” he switches sides again, drawing a cry from your lips, tongue flattening to lap broad strokes before pinching it between his teeth and tugging lightly. the pull sends a fresh wave of heat surging through you, your breaths ragged, body trembling as the coil tightens slowly.
“dejun…i’m close,” you confess, your cheeks burning with the admission. he doubles down, one hand squeezing your breast while the other tweaks and rolls the free one in tight circles, “i know, honey…i can feel you shaking,” he rasps, nipping harder now, the edge of pain blending seamlessly with pleasure. your muscles tense, breaths hitching as the pressure mounts, making your pussy clench with need, “i’m—fuck—dejun,” you pant, head falling back against the couch, eyes squeezing shut, every pull and pinch echoing deep inside, coiling together until your body seizes, a small orgasm ripping through you.
dejun doesn’t let up right away, easing his mouth into softer licks as he watches you tremble through the aftershocks, his eyes dark and satisfied when he finally pulls back, “we’re just getting started,” he murmurs, voice low and edged with promise.
before you can catch your breath from the lingering pulses in your chest, his hands grip your waist, lifting you effortlessly off the floor and tossing you onto your back on the couch. the sudden shift makes your head spin, the cuffs clinking as your bound arms hit the fabric behind you, leaving you splayed out and exposed. he kneels between your legs, confidence radiating from him after all the time spent mapping your body — the lessons turning into instinct, his touches no longer hesitant but sure and demanding.
“so fucking pretty,” he says, smirking as his fingers hook into the waistband of your shorts and panties, finally yanking them down your thighs in one smooth pull. the cool air hits your slick pussy, making you gasp, but the handcuffs keep your hands pinned uselessly, forcing you to submit to whatever he wants next. he tosses the clothes aside, spreading your knees wide with his palms, his gaze fixed on your glistening folds, swollen and sensitive from the earlier tease.
“dejun... stop teasing—please,” you breathe, your voice a mix of plea and anticipation, hips twitching as you try to get closer to him.
he chuckles darkly, one hand sliding up your inner thigh, thumb brushing the edge of your folds just to watch you jolt, “please what, honey? you want my fingers inside you? stretching this wet pussy?” his middle finger traces your entrance, gathering your arousal, teasing.
“yes…please, please fuck me with your fingers,” you whine, begging. he hums in approval before pushing in slowly, the intrusion easy with how soaked you are. you moan at the fullness, walls fluttering around the single digit as he crooks it upward, pressing against that spot that makes your toes curl.
“yes—fuck, just like that,” you whimper, your bound hands fisting the couch fabric, knuckles whitening as you arch into his touch. the sensitivity from your last release makes every slide feel amplified, sparks igniting low in your belly already. he adds a second finger without warning, thrusting them deep and curling them relentlessly, his palm grinding against your clit with each pump. the wet sounds of your pussy taking him in fill the room, obscene and rhythmic, his pace building steady but insistent.
“so tight, clenching like you can't get enough,” he growls, free hand pinning your hip down to keep you from bucking too wildly. he scissors his fingers inside you, stretching your walls, thumb now circling your clit in firm, deliberate strokes that has your thighs quivering.
“oh god, dejun—” you cry out, head thrashing against the cushions, the pressure coiling fast and fierce in your core. your pussy grips his fingers greedily, juices coating his hand as he fucks you harder, the sensitivity turning every thrust into a edge-of-overload sensation.
“cum on my fingers, show me how sensitive you are for me,” he demands, leaning down to nip at your earlobe, his breath hot against your skin. he twists his wrist, fingers dragging along your front wall with precision, thumb pressing harder on your clit, rubbing side to side now to push you right to the brink.
the build is lightning-quick, your body betraying you with how primed it is, muscles tensing as the orgasm barrels toward you, “i’m—fuck, i’m cumming,” you gasp, voice breaking into a sob as it hits, pussy spasming wildly around his thrusting fingers, a fresh gush of slick flooding out. your hands claw at the couch, back bowing off the surface as waves crash through you, leaving you panting and limp, walls still twitching in the aftermath.
dejun slows his movements, drawing out the pulses with gentle pumps until you're whimpering from the overstimulation, then finally withdraws his fingers with a wet pop, holding them up to show you how drenched they are, “good girl,” he praises, eyes locked on yours, a possessive glint in them as he licks his fingers clean, savoring your taste. his gaze drops back to your spread thighs, where your pussy still glistens with the fresh slick from your release.
he shifts lower, hooking his arms under your knees to hold you open, his breath ghosting over your sensitive folds, “just gonna clean you up, honey,” he murmurs, voice rough but casual, like it's no big deal. his tongue flicks out, flat and warm, lapping a slow stripe up your slit from entrance to clit, gathering the mess he made with his fingers.
you shudder at the contact, the overstimulation hitting like a spark, your walls clenching emptily, a whine slipping from your lips, “dejun—fuck, it's too much right now,” you gasp, your bound hands twisting in the couch cushions again, trying to anchor yourself as his tongue delves deeper, swirling gently around your entrance to suck up every drop. he hums against you, the vibration sending jolts through your core, but he keeps it light, no pressure, just thorough laps that trace your lips and dip inside shallowly.
“can't help it — you taste too good,” he says between licks, his nose brushing your clit as he works, eyes flicking up to watch your face contort. he doesn't push for more, just cleans methodically, tongue curling to scoop out the lingering wetness — but your body's too raw, every pass igniting nerves that haven't settled. the heat builds unbidden, coiling tight in your belly despite his intent, your hips twitching involuntarily toward his mouth.
“oh god, wait—i'm gonna…” you trail off into a moan, the words dissolving as the third orgasm sneaks up, ferocious and unforgiving. it rips through you without mercy, your pussy spasming hard, thighs clamping down around your boyfriend’s head like a vice, trapping him against your pulsing core. your jaw goes slack, a silent cry escaping as your eyes roll back, vision blurring white-hot, the pleasure bordering on pain from the sensitivity. dejun's eyes widen, clearly amused, his hands gripping your thighs to steady you, but he doesn't pull away — instead, he laps through it, tongue pressing flat against your clit to ride the waves, drawing out the contractions until you're a trembling mess. fresh slick coats his chin, your walls fluttering wildly as he prolongs it, humming low to feel you quiver. “that's it, let it go,” he breathes against you, voice muffled but encouraging, until the intensity peaks too high.
you can't take it. legs squeezing shut completely, “stop—please, dejun—give me a second,” you beg, voice hoarse and broken, body limp as the aftershocks fade into exhaustion. he pulls back with a wet pop, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, that smug smirk curling his lips as he crawls up your body, hovering over you.
“that was fun,” he says, eyes sparkling with mischief and satisfaction, leaning down to kiss you softly. it’s a reprieve, a chance to catch your breath as his weight presses you deeper into the cushions, his hands framing your face. the kiss intensifies gradually, his teeth grazing your lower lip, pulling a soft moan from you that he swallows greedily, tongues tangling, wet and insistent, the faint salt of your earlier release lingering on his tongue.
minutes stretch as he kisses you like time's endless — lazy swirls of his tongue against yours, nips at your jaw, sucking faint marks into the sensitive skin of your neck until your hips start twitching upward instinctively, seeking contact. the air grows thick, charged, your breaths mingling hot and fast. he pulls back just enough to meet your gaze, his dark eyes searching yours with that possessive hunger, “you ready to take me again?” he whispers, voice rough, lips brushing your ear.
you nod frantically, the plea escaping before you can stop it, “yes, please—need you to fuck me, dejun.”
his smirk widens, feral and triumphant, “begging so prettily for my cock,” he whispers, softly tapping your bottom lip, and in one fluid motion, he flips you fully onto your stomach, yanking your hips up high so you're arched and exposed, ass lifted, face pressed into the cushions. the cuffs still keeping your hands locked behind you, forcing your shoulders down and your body into total submission — no leverage, no escape, just open and waiting for him. your knees spread on the couch, thighs quivering, pussy dripping and clenching at the cool air.
you hear the crinkle of foil behind you — he's quick now, rolling the condom over his thick length with a low hiss, “look at this—dripping for me already,” he says, his hand sliding up your spine to grip your shoulder, thumb pressing into the tense muscle. he lines up, his tip pressing against your soaked entrance, then shoves in deep, stretching you wide in one forceful push that forces a sharp cry from your throat.
“fuck—always so fucking tight,” he groans, the sound raw as your walls grip him, still tender from before. he draws back and rams forward again, building a brutal pace immediately, hips crashing against your ass with loud smacks, the angle spearing him straight into that sensitive bundle inside you. pleasure surges fast, overwhelming, your bound arms jerking uselessly behind you, the metal digging in as you rock with his thrusts.
“dejun—just like that—harder,” you whimper, voice breaking, the intensity blurring your vision. the cuffs amps everything — the way he controls your body, pounding relentlessly, owning you completely. tears well up, streaking your cheeks, but the bliss coils tighter, pushing you toward the brink.
“such a dirty girl, you can’t get enough can’t you?” he demands, one hand tangling in your hair to tug your head back slightly, the other clamping your hip to hold you in place as he drives deeper.
“no—need you—please,” you sob out, the words fracturing as the pressure peaks. he shoves you back down the couch and you can’t help but clench your teeth as your pussy clamps down, spasming wildly. then it hits — a violent release, squirting hard around his pistoning cock, hot fluid gushing out with every thrust, soaking his groin and the couch beneath.
dejun doesn't falter. it’s not the first time he’s made you squirt like this. he lands a slap on your ass, loud and red, while he keeps fucking you through it, groans turning guttural as the slick mess eases his slides, making each stroke wetter, sloppier, “fuck, yes—squirt on my dick, honey, drench me,” he rasps, pace unyielding, chasing his own high. he continues pounding into you, hard and fast, his grip on your hips strong and unrelenting
but the overstimulation crashes in fast — the sharp friction shifts from ecstasy to burn, your nerves fraying as he continues to thrust harshly into the sensitivity. and all you could feel is pain.
“dejun… i-i can’t, it hurts,” you manage between thrusts, voice small and cracking, sniffles breaking through the haze, your hands trying to push him away as best as you could in this situation, as pain overrides the pleasure, your body trembling not just from release but from the edge of too much.
he stops as the words hit his ears, your voice soft, small — not your usual tone. and he knows immediately that something’s wrong. his hands freeze on your skin and carefully, he pulls out, the drag slow and mindful, a soft curse escaping him, “shit, honey—sorry, i got carried away,” he says, voice laced with regret as he turns you over onto your back, the cuffs clinking softly now. he pulls you up into his arms, cradling you against his chest, one hand wiping sweat-damp hair from your face, thumb stroking your cheek, wiping the tears away. his cock throbs hard against your thigh, ignored, his focus all on you, “what hurts? tell me”
“can you remove the cuffs?” you whisper, wincing at the throb in your wrists.
he nods immediately, pressing a quick kiss to your forehead before slipping off the couch “yeah, hold on.” he darts into the bedroom, returning with the key in seconds, kneeling to unlock the metal around your wrists. as they fall away, he sees the red welts dug into your skin, his expression twisting, “fuck, honey, i’m so sorry,” he murmurs, lifting your hands to his lips, placing soft, lingering kisses over the marks, his touch feather-light.
you shake your head, managing a small smile despite the ache, “dejun, it’s okay—you stopped right away.” you watch him handle you like fragile porcelain, his eyes soft with concern, “we should probably have a safe word, though,” you tease lightly, voice steadying.
he chuckles ruefully, still massaging your wrists with gentle circles, “yeah, that would’ve been smart. red to stop, maybe? whatever you want.”
your gaze drops, noticing his erection straining, flushed and untouched, “you’re still hard.”
he smiles, warm but dismissive, continuing to rub soothing patterns into your skin, “don’t worry about it—i’ll take care of it later.”
“no…come here,” you say, tugging him closer as you settle back comfortably on the couch.
“honey, no—we don’t have to,” he protests softly, hovering uncertainly, his length twitching with need but his eyes searching yours for any sign of discomfort.
“i want to,” you insist, reaching up to cup his face.
“you sure?” his voice is tender, laced with care.
you nod, pulling him down into a slow kiss, lips brushing soft and unhurried, “just…go slow.”
he exhales, melting into the kiss, his body lowering over yours with deliberate gentleness before guiding himself to your entrance, pressing in, watching your face the whole time, pausing if you tense, “tell me if it's too much,” he whispers, voice thick with affection as he bottoms out, holding still to let you adjust.
“perfect,” you breathe, wrapping your legs around his waist, hands now free to trace his back, nails grazing lightly. he starts moving, shallow rocks of his hips, each one measured and deep, grinding against you without rush. his mouth finds yours again, kisses turning languid, tongues sliding together in a rhythm that matches his thrusts — soft, loving, building warmth rather than fire.
“i love how you feel around me,” he murmurs against your skin, lips trailing to your neck, sucking gently. you arch into him, meeting each slow push, the fullness tender now, pleasure blooming like sunlight, wrapping you both in quiet intimacy.
“feels so good,” you whisper, eyes locked on his, the words pulling a soft groan from him as he dips to kiss your collarbone, your shoulder, everywhere he can reach. his pace stays even, unhurried glides that let you feel every ridge, every pulse, drawing out sighs and quiet moans. the couch creaks faintly under you, but it's background to the way he watches you, like you're the only thing in his world — his free hand stroking your thigh, encouraging without demanding.
“i love you,” he says, voice hushed and full of emotion, forehead pressing to yours as he angles to brush that spot inside, gentle pressure making stars flicker softly behind your eyes. the build is gradual, a warm tide rising, your bodies syncing in fluid harmony. when you clench around him, he hums approval, kissing you deeper, swallowing your gasps.
“cum with me,” you plead softly, and he nods, thrusts turning just a fraction firmer but still so careful, his breath hitching as your release washes over you — soft waves, not shattering, just pure, enveloping bliss that pulls him under too. he spills with a quiet moan, burying his face in your neck, holding you close as you both tremble through it, hearts pounding in unison. he doesn't pull away right after — instead, he stays nestled inside, arms wrapping around you fully, peppering your face with tiny kisses.
dejun lingers inside you for a while, his body a warm, protective shield as your shared breaths slow to a synchronized rhythm. he presses his forehead to yours, eyes holding a tenderness that makes your heart swell. slowly, he eases out, careful not to hurt you, discarding the condom with a quick, discreet motion before returning fully to your side.
“come on, let's get you somewhere more comfortable,” he whispers, voice soft and reassuring. with effortless strength, he scoops you up bridal-style, cradling your body against his chest as he rises from the couch. your head rests on his shoulder, his heartbeat steady under your ear, lulling you into deeper relaxation. he carries you down the short hallway to the bedroom, each step gentle, pushing the door open with his elbow and lowering you onto the bed, the mattress dipping softly under your weight.
he slides in beside you, pulling the duvet over both of you, his body curving protectively around yours. his fingers trace soothing circles on your back, chasing away any lingering tension. gently, he takes your hands in his, turning them over to inspect your wrists once more. the faint red marks from the cuffs catch the dim light, and he frowns slightly, rubbing his thumb over them with care, “how are these feeling now? does it still hurt?”
you shake your head, a small smile forming as you meet his concerned gaze. he nods, satisfied, then leans in closer, “do you need anything?”
“just this,” you reply softly, your voice barely above a whisper “just you.”
his expression softens, eyes warming with affection. he pulls you tighter against him, lips brushing your temple in a soft kiss. you sigh contentedly, nestling into his chest, the world fading to just this quiet intimacy — safe, loved, and perfectly at peace.
ᥫ᭡. the end.
—
18+ only | watch at your own risk | contains mature content
dejun x honey coded links: #1. #2. #3. #4. #5. #6. #7. #8. #9. #10. #11. #12. #13. #14. #15.
一
an: the second of the wayv trio is finally done!!!! 2 down 1 more to go! i surprisingly did not hit the 1000 character limit THANK GOD…maybe that’s my reward for finally finishing. dejun and honey is probably the most touchy couple we’ve had in this series so far like damn they just don’t stop 😭😭 but i hope you loved them! not too much angst on this one because dejun is just peak yearner! peak down bad! peak loverboy! also i had to sneak in winwin there, we can’t do this series WITHOUT MY wayv bias! and what’s better than combining both of my wayv biases together? ehehe. i hope you enjoy the links! they’re prettyyy spicy 🫦🫦 before i go, A HUGE shoutout to my friend, @yujisabs for pulling me out of the major writers block i was in. thank you <333 and thank you to everyone who read this!!!! i luv all of u :3
ᥫ᭡. likes, reblogs and comments are not required but is very appreciated.
ᥫ᭡. if you enjoy this series and would like to show extra love and support. my ko-fi is open <3
ᥫ᭡. love tags: @mangoescrazy @bamjjwi @jungwooie @erireadsstuff @rjreins @poemzcheng @jungwooismysavior @alexameliamg @neo-moa @dkkyeom @leleszn @rex-ie @generalpuppycloud @mots/g @chenleverse @kjOne @ninety-nite-99 @xxxnrigi @idkwiexist @pankuya @amazinggraxia @jaeminiwrld @ni-ki-starnetwork @drunkhee @severeanxietyissues @peonyjoo @multifandom2515 @yeosayang @dongyoungknows @aegryo @malaysianctfan @booskies @ingridbirdman @vantxx95 @andluv @fancypeacepersona @heartsforsunwoo @222lOW @9yuldaengi @cowboyuyu @zarastrawberry @boxofinvisiblethoughts @jwikyo @horanghyuck @combinatoright-blog @emmy-l-r @karleereadssmut @asahisimpnation @httpsxnox
TAGLIST: CLOSED
HELLS YES WENT BACK ON TUMBLR JUST FOR THIS
“the line is….”
synopsis -> your boyfriend got a new script. why not help him rehearse it?
warnings: smut! slightly jealous reader, oral (f receiving), fluffy ending
an: happy belated birthday to my number one cutie, my wayv bias, winwin!! i miss u so bad, please come home!!!!!!!!!!! but also winwin actor for this one ;)
—
you were lounging on the couch, scrolling through your phone when your boyfriend burst through the door, clutching his new script like a trophy. winwin’s face lit up with that boyish excitement you adored and he waved it at you before dropping onto the cushions beside you.
“baby, the script for my new show just came in, it’s got this steamy sex scene,” he grinned, eyes gleaming with anticipation as he leaned closer, his voice dropping—
“picture this, the characters start off in a heated argument, all pent-up frustration and sharp words flying back and forth. she’s furious with him, accusing him of holding back and not giving her everything. he fires back, but there’s this undercurrent of raw desire building, like a storm about to break. then it explodes as he devours her right on the table, hands everywhere, clothes ripping off in the heat of it.”
he flipped the page, reading aloud, painting the scene vividly—
“she shoves him down onto the hard surface, her eyes blazing with command, ‘you can’t just ignore me like this. after all we’ve ben through?’ she demands, trapping him against the table. he grabs her hips, flipping her onto her back in one swift move, but she locks her legs around him, asserting control, ‘start with your mouth between my thighs’ she orders, voice husky and unyielding, ‘lick me until i’m dripping, until you taste how much i own you.’ his head dips low, tongue tracing her inner thighs before diving in, making her arch and gasp. he fingers her deep, curling to hit that spot, drawing out moans that build to screams, her nails raking his scalp as she cries his name.”
he looked up at you, waiting for your reaction.
heat pooled low in your belly as you imagined it but a flicker of envy twisted in your chest at the thought of him doing this with someone else. you leaned in, tracing his jawling, “sounds intense. want to run lines? i could play the part…help you get it right.”
winwin’s eyes sparked with mischief, his large hand sliding to your thigh, “rehearse? now? on the kitchen table, like in scene?”
“why not?” you murmured, pulling him up and leading him there. you swept the counters clear, the wooden surface gleaming under the light, “perfect spot,” you shrug, acting nonchalantly, grabbing the script from his hand and skimming through it.
you noted the buildup: heated words, her pinning him, then him flipping her over to bury his face in her pussy, tongue working her over while she clutches the edge.
“alright, action,” you said, channeling the fiery character and catching your boyfriend off guard. you pushed him back against the table, hands gripping his shirt, “you can’t just ignore me like this. after all we’ve been through?”
winwin chuckles in amusement before a wicked grin replaces his usual shy smile — and then he was playing along seamlessly, his arms wrapping around your waist to yank you close, “what do you want, then? say it.” his breath was hot against your ear, blending script with reality.
you hiked your leg over his hip, pressing into him as your lips crashed together in a fierce kiss. tongues slid and battled, your fingers tugging his shirt up and off, exposing his toned chest, “make me feel it,” you demanded, echoing the lines, grinding against the hardness straining his jeans, “show me how much you need this. need me.”
winwin’s hands roamed, bunching your his oversized t-shirt to your waist before he lifted you onto the table’s edge. your ass hit the cool wood, legs parting instinctively as he dropped to his knees between them.
“like this?,” he growled the words from the page but his gaze was pure hunger, fixed on you.
you nodded, trying to stay in character, reciting the next bit shakily, “yes…touch me, don’t hold back.” your voice wavered as he hooked his fingers in your panties, sliding them down your thighs and tossing them aside. cool air kissed your exposed pussy, already slick with arousal.
he leaned in, breath ghosting over your folds, making you shiver, “you’re so wet for me already," he murmured, not quite the script but close enough.
then his mouth was on you — lips sealing around your clit, sucking gently at first, tongue flicking in quick, teasing strokes, enough to make you forget what you were doing.
“oh—wait….the line is…,” you fumbled, gripping the table’s edge as pleasure jolted through you, the script by your side, “you–you drive me crazy, j-just like that,” but the words blurred as he flattened his tongue, lapping broad and slow from your entrance up to your clit, tasting every inch. his hands gripped your thighs, spreading you wider, thumbs pressing into your inner thighs to hold you open.
you tried to push on, “don’t stop, give me everything,” but it came out as a moan, your hips bucking towards his face.
he hummed against you, clearly enjoying the fact that you can no longer focus. the vibration sends a spark up your spine and he delved deeper, tongue thrusting inside your pussy — wet sounds filled the kitchen, his mouth slurping at your juices, your breaths turning ragged.
by now, the script was forgotten, lines dissolving into gasps. all you could focus on was how fucking good he felt, tongue swirling relentlessly around your clit, sucking harder now, drawing it between his lips.
“winwin…fuck—yes,” you whimpered, one hand tangling in his hair, pulling him closer. your other braced behind you, back arching as waves of heat built in your core.
he didn’t let up, nose bumping your clit while his tongue plunged in and out, fucking you with it in shallow thrusts. his fingers joined, two sliding into your soaked heat, curling up to stroke your walls while his mouth latched back onto your swollen nub. the dual sensation had you trembling, thighs quaking around his head.
“feels so good—baby please—don’t stop,” you babbled, no trace of the character left — just raw need. pressure coiled tight, your pussy clenching around his fingers as he pumped them faster, tongue lasthing your clit in firm circles.
you shattered with a cry, orgasm crashing over you, juices flooding his mouth as you ground against his face, riding it out. winwin lapped you through it, slowing to gentle licks until you slumped back, boneless on the table.
he rose, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, “you broke character so quickly,” he teased, a playful, breathless laugh tumbling from him as he reached for you, pulling you into his arms.
“shut up,” you muttered, voice still shaky as you tried to catch your breath, cheeks flushed.
his chest was warm against yours, the steady thump of his heart grounding you in the haze. you met his eyes, that quiet twinge from earlier resurfacing amidst the afterglow, “i can’t believe you have to do all this with your co-star,” you whispered, half-joking but unable to mask the hint of jealousy laced beneath.
he chuckled softly, the sound low and tender as he nuzzled the crook of your neck. his hands smoothed over your sides, tracing lazy circles into your skin until the tension began to melt.
“jealous, baby?” he murmured, pressing a kiss just below your ear, hands smoothing over your sides, tracing slow, lazy circles until your shiver gave you away, “you know it’s just acting.”
“still,” you muttered, trying for indifference and failing miserably.
he grinned against your neck, the vibration of his laugh sending warmth down your spine.
“don’t worry,” he said, kissing the spot just below your ear, his breath tickling, “i just have to make it look like I did all that.”
his lips trailed lower, finding your pulse, sucking lightly until you sighed. “with you,” he murmured between kisses, “it’s the real thing—every lick… every moan… every—”
“oh my god, stop,” you laughed, swatting at his shoulder, your face heating up.
he laughed too, pulling back with mock innocence. “what?!”
“you’re gross,” you countered through your giggles, though the way your fingers curled in his shirt said otherwise.
“gross, huh?” he teased, pinching your chin gently and tipping your face up to meet his, “funny, you didn’t think it was gross five minutes ago.”
“shut up,” you mumbled, trying to hide your grin as you buried your face in his chest.
he pressed a kiss to the top of your head, his smile softening into something achingly sweet, then he tilted your chin up, placing a soft kiss on your lips — reminding you that he was all yours.
and just like that, the envy melted into warmth until all that was left was the steady rhythm of his heartbeat beneath your ear, his arm snug around your waist, and that stupid little smile he only ever wore when it was you in his arms.
same page | l.dh
summary: you don’t necessarily mind admiring lee haechan from afar, but when the opportunity for you to get closer presents itself, you grasp it, and eventually you come to the realisation that whilst you’ve been too busy admiring, you’ve failed to notice that he’s been doing exactly the same. pairing: student!haechan x f!reader. mdni! adults only. genre: university!au, fluff, strangers to acquaintances to lovers, smut! word count: 32k (i am sorry) tags/warnings: alcohol consumption, smoking/vaping, swearing, talks of fetishes, explicit sexual content, kissing (a lot), making out, semi-public shenanigans(not sex), spitting (yum), fingering, dry humping, oral (both receiving), multiple orgasms, multiple smut scenes, dirty talk, praise, light chocking, lots of teasing, protected sex, overstimulation, haechan is cocky but also pathetic, haechan being bf material without even being her bf, he calls her a brat like once, petnames (baby, pretty, baby girl, good girl), she calls him “hae”, they’re both down bad, soft dom!haechan, sub!reader, switch!haechan, cumshot oops, aftercare, he’s just a good guy, both are mature but can be too in their head at times, there’s no toxicity or angst in this fic, ✨communication✨, pls let me know if i missed anything! other characters: the whole dream gang, chenle & ningning as oc’s besties a/n: hi all! this is my first ever fic (that I'm posting lol) and I've poured my heart and soul into it so i hope you show some love. it's definitely not perfect and i could keep rereading and finding things that I'd change but I've kept my writing in the dark for long enough and if i don’t post this now i know i never will, so please take it! I do have a part 2 in the works, which will be diving into their feelings and more angsty themes, but for now I hope you lovely people enjoy reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it xoxo ps. the idea for this fic blossomed while i was listening to eye candy by justin bieber, so might be worth giving it a listen whilst reading
It's not like you’re obsessed with Lee Haechan. You just enjoy looking at him. You barely even know the guy, but, annoyingly, he's difficult to ignore. Difficult not to notice. And it’s not like you’ve spoken much to each other either, apart from the rare exchange of a few words here and there or the odd nod of acknowledgement in corridors.
There was this one time where he sat next to you in class, but that was only because he was late and the seat next to yours was the only empty one that was close to the entrance of the classroom. That was the first time he smiled at you. Nothing more than casual and polite but it still made your heart race. Then, of course, there was the time where you bumped into him on the street, while you were on your way to a date, which ended up being disastrous, but that didn’t really bother you. What bothered you was the fact that he was also on his way to a date. With a girl. A girl he chose to go on a date with. A girl that he probably found pretty. A girl that wasn't you. Regardless, that didn’t negate the fact that, that night you had your first ever conversation with him. It was brief, but it happened, and it certainly left you with a bittersweet taste in your mouth, which was probably why you later couldn’t focus on the boy you matched with on that godforsaken dating app. And as mean as it sounded in your head, you hoped Haechan’s date went as badly as yours.
Next time you saw him, was at a campus party you got dragged to by Chenle and Ningning. Mark convinced Chenle, who convinced Ningning, who forced you and it’s not like you don’t enjoy a fun night out with friends and alcohol, you just weren’t in the right mood that night and you were convinced that being in your luteal phase had definitely something to do with it.
You remember instantly spotting him in the kitchen, leaning lazily against the counter as he was speaking to a girl you didn’t recognise and you could tell just from her side profile that she was nothing but attractive. You watched as she reached and took the drink he was holding, bringing it up to her lips, tasting the contents of the cup but also him, and you decided to look elsewhere before. witnessing anything that would (but definitely shouldn’t) ruin your night.
You were determined to spend the rest of the party as far away from him as possible, forcing poor Chenle to go and refill your drink in the kitchen every time you ran out. You were more than aware it might have sounded silly to anyone else, but you didn’t want to go down the rabbit hole of trying to get someone’s attention, when they were clearly not interested. You’d been that person in the past, and you refused to make the same mistakes again. At the end of the day, it was just a crush. It would go away eventually. Right?
When the party started to die down, you found yourself in the back garden with no one else other than the lovely Na Jaemin, after you stumbled upon him being sick in a fake plant pot. You could have left him in his own fate, but knowing yourself, you would definitely feel guilty for the rest of the night, if you didn’t make sure he was safe. You started to regret your decision about 10 minutes later, when he had already fallen asleep with his head in your lap and you were sure he was drooling on you, but that was the least of your concerns in that moment. Thankfully, Chenle picked up on the first ring and when you asked him to come outside with reinforcements, he immediately said, “I’ll be there in a sec.”
The reinforcements, of course, being Jeno and Haechan, wasn’t exactly what you had in mind, but you weren’t in a position to be picky. You found out shortly after that Haechan had only stepped outside for a smoke and got dragged into ‘helping’, which he refused to do since, according to him, Jaemin had put him in that position countless of times and he’s sick of looking after a grown ass man who’s got the alcohol tolerance of a twelve year-old. You found his point more than valid, but you didn’t say anything.
When Chenle and Jeno disappeared back inside carrying a whiny and barely coherent Jaemin, you found yourself alone with the boy you had initially tried to steer clear from at all costs. Your mission miserably failed that night and at the end of it all you realised one thing; it wasn’t just a harmless crush.
“I gotta admit, that was slightly entertaining.” He said as he took the seat that Jaemin had previously been occupying next to you on the wooden bench.
You must have sat there with him for about an hour, talking about everything and nothing, while enjoying the early summer breeze and the freedom that came with the end of finals. He insisted on getting you an uber home when you announced that you were going to walk back because your phone had died and when you asked if you could pay him back somehow, he said, “Just don't be a stranger next year.”
Autumn
You were aware Zhong Chenle was an evil little thing, but you hadn’t pegged him for a traitor. And betrayed is what you felt as you read the message on your screen over and over again.
@kh1000le: greetings folks, party at my new place this saturday @8 – I'll add the deets later but feel free to invite more people. ps. don’t forget to bring extra booze.
You look up from your phone, remembering you're still in class and the professor is still talking stats. Your eyes instantly land on Haechan, still sitting two rows ahead of you, between Jeno and Jaemin and you can tell he’s looking down, probably reading the message you were reading just seconds ago. Jaemin shifts closer to whisper something in his ear and Haechan leans in to hear better. He quickly nods his head agreeing to whatever Jaemin says.
You turn your attention back to your phone again and more notifications are flooding your screen. Other people in the group chat responding and reacting to messages. Haechan is still silent. No reactions or responses. You wonder what he's thinking. But most of all, you wonder if he's noticed you're also in that group chat. Would he recognise your username? You only started following each other the day after that party before summer, but it’s been almost four months now and there has certainly been no exchange of messages.
Suddenly, you notice people have started packing up their belongings and you quickly start doing the same, hoping you can flee the scene as fast as possible, before Jaemin comes up to you with questions about the party.
The second you step outside the doors and into the corridor, you exhale, relieved to have succeeded and as you start walking towards the main building exit you realise you spoke too soon.
"Y/n, wait up!"
You close your eyes muttering a quiet “shit” to yourself. You put on a smile and turn around, Jaemin quickly approaching you. Haechan, who's trailing a few steps behind him, isn’t really paying attention, already in a conversation with Jeno.
“Jeez woman, you sure walk fast. You got somewhere to be?” He speaks fast as he tries to catch his breath.
“Hey Jaemin, yeah, sorry, I'm in a rush, how can I help?" You try and respond as nonchalantly as possible.
"I just saw you're in that group chat and I'm assuming you'll be there on Saturday?" He asks with eyes full of hope.
"Yes sir. I'm actually meeting up with Chenle now to talk logistics." You explain quickly, seeing Haechan getting closer from your peripheral.
"Ahhh that makes sense, I just wanted to ask if we should bring anything else other than alcohol?"
"Just your drink of choice will be enough for you I reckon, don't want you ruining any of his new plants." You say with a teasing tone.
"Yah!" He complains with a pout that is nothing but laughable.
"Hey Y/N." Jeno approaches with a smile and joins your conversation. “Is this man bothering you?”
“Not really, just making sure he doesn't die of alcohol poisoning on Saturday.” You try to keep your eyes on Jeno, avoiding the handsome boy who's also joined your little group.
”I thought you were a nice one.” Jaemin whines like a little child while a frown adorns his face.
“You’ve been fooled my friend,” Jeno comes to stand next to you, throwing an arm around your shoulders, shaking you playfully. “She’s evil.”
You're mid eye roll when Haechan’s voice cuts through. “Seems pretty harmless to me.” He’s standing next to Jaemin now. One hand in his pocket, the other holding the strap of his bag. You notice the two rings adorning his middle fingers. Such a pretty hand, you think, the veins prominent, running down his smooth arm, disappearing underneath an oversized check shirt he's wearing over a white t-shirt. You then notice he's got a pair of jorts on and you can't help but wonder who can even pull off jorts that effortlessly nowadays.
Your attention drifts back up to his face, the most adorable boba eyes are twinkling as he looks at you and his captivating mouth offers you a cheeky smile. A small dimple appears, barely there for you to see and you think you're on the verge of throwing up. His lips move again and you watch him carefully like he’s moving in slow motion. "Hi." His hand leaving his pocket and raising in the air to offer you a quick wave. It's annoying how such a small and casual gesture makes your heartbeat faster and your cheeks feel warmer. You're pretty sure your eyes are giving you away, showing how affected you are behind the stoic expression you’re struggling to maintain. You never thought you'd be here, but you have Chenle to thank. Or maybe strangle. You haven't decided yet.
"Hi." You return the smile as calmly as you can, foregoing the wave. You don't think your limbs are working properly right now and you're pretty sure your fingers are slightly shaking by your sides. And you’re now thankful for Jeno’s arm still draped around you, the weight grounding and necessary. You feel your phone vibrate a few times in your back pocket, assuming it's either Chenle or Ning checking if you're alive and that pulls you out of your trance. “Evil is a bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?”
”That’s funny, remember when you told me to go fuck myself and read a book whilst I’m at it?"
“Oh, I’m sorry,” You shove his arm off you in fake annoyance. “Did I offend you?” You feign concern dramatically. “Remember when you asked me if I’ve got any friends who need, and I quote, an unforgettable dicking down session and then proceeded to say, and I quote again, ‘is Murakami the fella who wrote that book about some Norwegian guy’s dick?’” You get slightly irritated just at the memory.
"Ahhh that explains it! This guy came back home a few months ago asking if anyone’s got a copy of Norwegian Wood." Jaemin looks at you as he explains, whilst pointing a mocking finger at Jeno.
"Oh? You actually read it then?" You ask with a hopeful smile and Jeno offers you a shy nod. Maybe there's hope for him after all.
“Read it? He actually cried when he got to the part where Naoko kills herself.” Haechan snorts at Jeno’s sour expression and reaches out to lightly pinch his cheek. He instantly gets shoved away. “Aw come on, I thought it was endearing.” Haechan turns to look at you now. “I was wondering who made him read that.” He holds your gaze while you hold your breath, and you wish someone could hold your heart as it’s about to beat out of your chest. “I love that book.” He admits with a smile, and you celebrate internally, because you knew he wasn’t just a pretty face, and you feel giddy knowing that you’ve both loved the same thing, even if it’s just a book.
You picture him sitting in a pink cafe, wearing a cozy sweater, looking all warm and comfy while turning page after page. You find yourself wanting to ask if he’s read it more than once, like you have and what his thoughts are on the ending. But you don’t. Not yet.
“Well maybe you two nerds should join a book club.” Jeno bitterly says.
“I mean, I’d be down?” Haechan raises his eyebrows suggestively at you. Mothefucker.
“I would, but unfortunately I have somewhere to be right now.” Your response causing his tongue to poke in his cheek, trying to fight off a smile. The gesture making him look incredibly handsome and boyish at the same time and if you were a cartoon character, pink heart eyes would be bulging out of your eye sockets. Your force yourself to look away from Haechan's face, opting to divert your gaze between the other two boys instead. They're both carrying amused expressions, looking between you and Haechan and you feel like you’re missing something.
“Ouch.” Jaemin says with a laugh, now mocking Haechan.
“See?” Jeno looks at both of his friends, crossing his arms over his chest as if proving a point. “Told you she’s evil.” He smiles like he’s proud of you.
And that’s your queue to escape. ”Right, well, as lovely as this has been, I actually have to go.”
“Okay, busy queen.” Jaemin snaps his fingers and you can instantly picture him getting along with Chenle. “We’ll see you Saturday then.” He smiles sweetly.
”You will indeed. Don’t be too late.” You say with a warning, pointing a finger between all three of them.
”Yes, mam.” Jeno nods in agreement.
You look at Haechan one last time. His expression contemplative, almost like he's torn between saying something else and keeping quiet. The way he's observing you makes you feel like he's already got you all figured out. Like there's no way he doesn't know you’re having trouble breathing, all because of him.
“See you Saturday.” He says in the sweetest tone, smiling at you like he's done it a million times before.
You give him a small nod goodbye and when you start to walk away you try your best to do so at a normal speed - not wanting to give away the fact that you're practically running away.
You hear Jaemin's loud voice again. “Bye Y/N!”
”Bye Jaemin!” You respond, mimicking his cheerful tone without looking back.
As you head towards the exit, you've already decided you're going to go with the option of strangling Chenle. Because there’s no way you’re surviving Saturday night without going clinically insane. Not if Haechan holds your gaze the way he did just a few moments ago. Not if he talks the way he talks and certainly not if he looks the way he looks.
You’re done for.
_
You’re baffled as to how and why Chenle knows this many people. You assume majority are friend of friends and acquaintances, because you’ve known the boy for three years now and never has he mentioned more than five names. You’re also starting to get worried he might get a noise complaint from the people occupying the flat downstairs, but you assume he has already warned them about the noise.
Your thoughts are interrupted by a loud exclaim and you feel like laughing when you hear Chenle’s screechy voice shouting Mark’s name excitedly, announcing his drunkenness along with the older boy’s arrival.
"Lover boy still not here?" Ningning teases you as you check the time on your phone for the umpteenth time that night. She takes a sip from her drink and looks over your shoulder. "Relax, it only 9pm."
"I'm relaxed." You defend quickly. She takes in your stressed expression and pauses to think for a second. "What?"
"Nothing, I just realised I haven't seen you so excited about a boy before. It's refreshing." She smiles while trapping the straw between her pearly whites. "Speak of the devil." She jerks her chin towards the direction of the door and you instantly know who she’s referring to, but you don't dare to turn around and look yet. You feel like your heart is going to beat out of your chest and Ningning sets her drink down on the kitchen counter before taking hold of both your shoulders. "Y/N, we talked about this. There's literally no reason to freak out. If he flirts, flirt back. Let it happen naturally yeah?" Her tone serious, as if you're both on a mission.
You widen your eyes comically to match hers, nodding your head quickly while laughing at her expression. It’s almost as if she’s more anxious that you are. "Ning, I'm good. I got it."
"Just saying, he'd be a dimwit not to like you." One of her hands pushes a strand of hair behind your ear and the comforting act gives you the reassurance you didn’t know you needed. "Plus, this dress makes your tiddies look yummy." She smirks and you wack her hand away with a laugh when she reaches out to poke into the bit of cleavage that spills from the top of your dress. You can tell she's entered the realms of tipsiness, and you wish you were there with her too, but the tequila shot from earlier definitely didn't do its job.
"Fuck me, didn’t think this many people would turn up." Jaemin's loud voice startles both of you, making you turn around and you're met with the three boys from your stats class. "Good thing we brought reinforcements, huh?" He says excitedly, shaking a Jack Daniels bottle.
"Are you a middle aged man by any chance?" Ningning's face scrunched up in disgust as she inspects the whiskey bottle in Jaemin's hands. "What happened to just drinking plain old vodka at parties?"
"Ah, Jeno is your guy." Jaemin points his thumb behind him and Jeno raises the hand holding a vodka bottle.
Jeno's face lights up when he spots the unused cups and heads over to start making drinks for him and Ningning. "Lemonade?" He asks, looking at her and she nods excitedly. "Same for you Y/N?" His eyes on you now.
"Nah, I'm on gin tonight, thanks though." You smile appreciatively at him.
"Guess I'm your guy then."
Fuck.
Your eyes instantly meet. He's already smiling down at you, and he looks so good. Too good for your respiratory system to function properly. His dark hair is messily styled, fringe almost covering his eyes. He's got a black button-down shirt on, top three buttons undone, collarbones on display and sleeves rolled up revealing his veiny forearms, all effortlessly combined with dark blue jeans and black converse. Pretty. Perfect.
Without permission, his hand engulfs yours, wrapping around your drink, bringing the cup to his lips, your own hand slipping down as he downs the liquid in one big gulp. The cooling feeling of his rings lingers, and you can’t help but stare at his neck as he swallows and then his eyes are on you again, his tongue slightly darting out to lick his bottom lip where there's a drop of liquid. His eyebrows furrow and he nods in approval.
"Lemonade it is." He casually says, like he didn’t almost just cause your heart to fail. He takes your now empty cup with him, joining Jeno at the counter.
"Well then," Jaemin feigns disappointment, eyebrows furrowing dramatically. "I guess I'm having this whole whiskey bottle to myself."
"I'm sure Chenle would help you out." Ningning half jokes. "Good luck finding him though."
"Yeah, what the hell, this place is so crowded." Jeno returns with two drinks and hands one of them to Ningning. "It might be a bit strong, sorry." He warns her.
Her face grimaces slightly when she takes a reluctant sip, proving Jeno right, making you both laugh. "Eh, it'll do." She says carelessly, "I've had a stressful week."
"Here to help." Jeno raises his cup, and they do a quick cheers. They start conversing comfortably about why her week was stressful and you're pretty sure they've never met before but that's Ningning. Top yapper, never awkward.
"Yours might be a bit on the strong side too." Haechan says apologetically as he stands in front of you, handing you back your now full cup. You smile at the sparkly straw he's added. Cute. "Try it."
And you do. It feels too intense, almost intimate, drinking while holding eye contact with someone, let alone this fine man, so you don't. But you feel his eyes on you as you take a sip. And you really do hope the drink is strong, because if you're going to survive tonight, alcohol will be your savior. He's looking at you, carefully taking in your expression as you taste the drink, almost as if he's sat on the edge of his seat waiting for your reaction.
"It's good. Thank you." You smile appreciatively as you welcome the slight burn in the back of your throat and he mirrors you excitedly.
"Good." He nods with a satisfied expression. Then he lets his eyes wander downwards. He takes in your dress in a not-so-subtle way, and you could swear he’s checking you out. You watch his eyes move on you and you love how he's still holding his cup close to his lips, touching the bottom one. You fight against the urge to reach out and drag it down with your thumb. Would he mind if you did that? You reach behind you instead, resting one hand against the counter to somewhat ground yourself, and the action seems to bring him back to reality. Is he always this obvious?
"Did you also have a stressful week?" He asks casually, like he wasn't just staring at your boobs a second ago. His eyes on yours now.
"Huh?"
"Your friend said she's had a stressful week," He explains, chuckling at your confusion. "Was just asking if it was the same for you."
"Oh right. Umm, I dunno." You shrug. "A little, I guess."
"How come?" His head tilts to the side slightly.
"It's always fine until Thursday to be honest." Your admission holds a double meaning and he seems to catch on as the sides of his lips slightly lift amusedly.
"Really? Thursday is our day, no?" He playfully pouts and you’re trying your best not to let his smooth words affect you. Our day? What a little shit. You notice the silver chain around his neck and you can't help but feel a tinge of shame at the inappropriate thoughts that flood your mind.
"Just not a big fan of stats." You make up an excuse with a slight delay, hoping that he can't tell you're practically ogling him.
He nods understandingly. "You and me both. I've been seriously thinking of dropping it next semester."
"What would you choose instead?" You ask curiously, trying to cover the frown that takes over your face at the thought of not sharing any classes with him.
"Why, you interested in joining me?" Is he flirting or have you already gone insane?
"Depends." You shrug, twirling the sparkly straw, eyes not leaving his.
"I think I'd go for creative writing." He studies your face for a reaction.
“Oh?” Your eyebrows raise in surprise. “So you really did mean it when you said you wanted to join a book club.” You tease with newfound confidence and he lets out an airy chuckle.
“That offer's gone now, you turned me down.” He says with a smirk.
"I'm sure I could convince you to reconsider." You say with a suggestive tone, catching him off guard and before he can retort with a witty response, you return to your initial subject. “So, you wanna be a be a writer or...?”
"Well, no, not exactly.” His voice is hesitant, eyes lowering to look at his drink, almost as if he’s embarrassed. Does he think you’ll judge him? You suddenly get the feeling that you might have overstepped.
“Sorry, I don’t mean to pry. You don’t have to-”
“No, no, you’re good.” His words are rushed, his head shaking quickly, hand reaching to touch your arm reassuringly. It’s light, quick, barely there but his fingers feel hot against your skin. Before you have time to react, he continues. “I just- I don’t really go around talking about personal goals and what not, so I don’t want you to think I’m flaunting.”
“Why would I think you’re flaunting?” Your perplexed tone causing him to smile.
“I wanna make music.” Eyes carefully watch you as he waits for a reaction. When you just nod for him to continue, he almost looks surprised but quickly recovers, clearing his throat. ”So, I thought creative writing would help.”
"So, you wanna write songs." You state as if to make sure that you heard him correctly and he nods, still watching your face. "Unless you already have?" You ask carefully and he chuckles at your attempt to keep your nosiness to a minimum but failing.
He moves to stand next to you, leaning against the counter. You feel like you can breathe again, now that his eyes aren't on you, but his arm brushes against your shoulder and you almost shiver when you feel the warmth radiating off him. You get a whiff of his scent, subtly inhaling, cologne and detergent mixing into an intoxicating potion that clouds your senses. He's too close but you somehow want him closer. You suddenly wonder where Chenle is and instantly feel bad for threatening to cut his air circulation. This is good. This feels good.
He looks down at his drink, in thought. "I play the piano, so creating a melody is relatively simple if I really put my mind to it." Oh? He looks at you again and you feel scrutinised under his gaze. Suddenly, your shoes are very interesting to look at. "It's just the words I struggle with." He admits.
"Maybe you need to find some sort of inspiration?" You suggest.
"Maybe." He puts his drink down and leans against the counter, crossing his hands on his chest. "Like what though?
"I mean, it could be a person." You say nonchalantly, without really thinking. "Unless you already have that?" The bold question comes out before your brain can process the thought and you internally scream.
He smiles wide now. Pearly whites on display. His eyes back on yours. "I thought you didn’t mean to pry." He teases and laughs when your eyes widen. “I’m joking.” He elbows your side softly and you almost gasp as the touch. Why does he keep touching you?
“I tend to get nosy after a couple of drinks, sorry.” You huff a quick laugh before taking another sip of your drink, trying to distract yourself.
"Nah, you're right. I have no clue what or who I'd write about." He answers your question indirectly, implying that there's no one significant who could inspire him. He reaches for his drink again in thought. "Maybe ask me in a year's time? Hopefully I’ve found a source of inspiration by then."
“That’s fair.” You pick up your phone from the counter and after unlocking it you click on your calendar app. You scroll until you find next year’s October and select today's date. He looks over your shoulder and laughs when he reads 'Ask Haechan about his songwriting' as the reminder's title. You show him your screen and smile when you see the approval on his face.
"Yeah, that works." He nods.
You look around and notice that all your friends are now gone. "We should probably mingle." You suggest.
"Right, yeah." He agrees with a nod, looking around just like you did a second ago.
When you spot Ningning in the crowd, she's laughing with Jeno and Jaemin. Their attention on Chenle and the girl who's got her tongue down his throat. You and Haechan find the situation just as comical.
The rest of the night flows smoothly. You get to meet a few more people as well as the other two boys Haechan, Jeno and Jaemin live with and you wonder how all these insanely attractive came to be friends. Renjun and Jisung are both equally as lovely. You find Renjun’s mother figure hilarious and Jisung’s shyness endearing. You don't fail to notice that Haechan always hovers close. Not necessarily standing or sitting next to you, but always close enough that you can see him from your peripheral and you can't help but wonder if it's intentional or just a coincidence.
You’re mid conversation with Mark when you feel a hand on your lower back. You easily recognise the now familiar scent of his cologne, and you instantly turn your head and look at him. You don’t know if it’s the alcohol deceiving you, but he looks even more irresistible than he did before. His hair slightly stuck to his forehead from the heat surrounding the crowded living room, cheeks and lips a deeper shade of pink now that he’s had his fair share of alcohol. You wonder if his lips taste the same as yours since you’ve been having the same drink all night.
“Shots?” Haechan shouts over the music and you and Mark follow him into the kitchen, where Jaemin and Jeno are preparing tequila shots and you wonder who assigned these two clowns with bartender duties. Chenle is now gulping down a glass of water and you’re thankful to whoever made that decision for him.
As soon as you’ve downed your shot, you take a sip of your drink as a chaser to minimise the burning sensation in your esophagus. “Wanna go get some air?” Haechan leans in and you almost shiver as his warm breath fans against your naked shoulder and you internally thank Ningning for prompting you to wear a strapless dress.
You respond with a quick nod and he smiles. “I got you.” He mumbles as he takes hold of your hand and leads you to the big balcony doors. On the way, he grabs a hoodie you assume he dumped earlier on the couch and the second you’re outside and he shuts the door, you feel the ringing in your ears. You’re thankful for the fresh air infiltrating your lungs and brain, feeling a little less intoxicated now. “Maybe that shot was a bad call,” Haechan laughs quietly at your dazed expression. “Didn’t take you for a lightweight.” He teases.
“Yah!” You elbow him, your voice louder than you intended it to be and he giggles softly, clearly also affected by the drinks he’s had all night. “I’ve had the same amount as you.” You pout drunkenly.
“I’m just teasing.” His smile soft now.
“Yeah, you seem to keep doing that.” You say with a complaint in your tone, eyes narrowing.
“Maybe I wouldn’t if you didn’t keep get all flustered every single time.” His words shock you; a surprised laugh escapes your throat at his boldness.
Before you have time to speak, he notices your arms coming up to conceal a shiver and without a word, he’s closer than he’s ever been before. His arms circle around your shoulders, hands hovering just above your shoulders as he holds up the hoodie, waiting for you to slot your arms through the sleeves. You look up at him before you obey, his intense stare not giving much room for a refusal.
Once it’s on you, his hands come to your front to fix the neckline that connects to the hood and when you think he’s about to zip you up, he reaches behind you again, playfully dragging the hood up over your head, covering most of your face with the thick fabric and you whine loudly, causing him to laugh. You push the hood back down, with a frown. “Aww, cute.” He coos as he gently tames the mess he created on your head, fingers untangling and smoothing down the strands and he smiles endearingly when he’s happy with his work. "There you go, all done."
“Thanks.” You say in a bashful tone.
“For keeping you warm or calling you cute?” He asks with a smirk and you can’t help but scoff, feigning annoyance as you swat away the hand still playing with a strand of your hair.
Desperately needing to escape his daring eyes, you walk past him and towards the railing as you take in the view of the twinkling city lights and you withhold a smile when you feel him follow after you.
You feel his gaze on you as he leans against the railing, taking a vape out of his pocket. He takes a puff and exhales the smoke through his nose, as he takes in the view himself, before turning to meet your gaze. The action shouldn’t feel this intimate and it definitely shouldn’t make him look even more attractive than he already is.
You instinctively reach out and fix the chain that’s sort of tangled around his neck. He doesn’t flinch, just moves his head to the side to make room for your hand and the sides of his lips twitch, fighting a grin. “What flavour is it?” You drop your hand from his collar and step a little closer to take a look at the fruit-flavoured stick in his hand.
“Cherry ice.” He holds it out for you. “Wanna try it?”
When you do try it, you can't help but scrunch your nose at the sugary taste. “Hmm.” Your uncertainty obvious as you exhale the smoke. “It’s too sweet.” You cringe at the aftertaste, your funny expression making him laugh. And you feel your heartbeat fastening at the sound. Because you're right. It's too sweet.
“I like sweet things.” He says in a low voice, as if he's letting you in on a secret. The meaning of his words dual and you feel the blush creeping from your neck up to your cheeks. You can tell he notices, but this time he holds back on teasing you and turns to look at the view again, taking another puff.
You gawk at how handsome he looks from this angle. His long lashes, the slope of his perfect nose, his incredibly kissable heart-shaped lips, his sharp jawline, his neck. Everything about him.
“I’m sure you do.” You mutter in a daze. He looks at you again and you don’t look away this time. His brown eyes sparkle, reflecting the city lights below. You realise that you’ve never actually been around him in a setting like this. It’s always been daytime with him. Always crowded. Always surrounded by noise that you had to block out. But now it’s all new.
Nighttime. Just you two. Quiet.
“That dress looks good on you, I like it.” His eyes trail down your form again, a lot quicker this time, but you still see it and at this point you're convinced he's not trying to hide it.
Your face feels even warmer than before as you look down at your dress, your hand instinctively smoothing down the material. You can see the smoke he exhales from your peripheral and then you choose your words boldly again. “I know you do.”
“Really?” He steps closer and his hand comes up, thumb delicately tracing the tiny bow at the centre of your cleavage. “What gave me away?” Your heartbeat increases when his fingers trail upwards, pushing your hair behind your shoulder and settling on the base of your neck, his thumb on your jaw, giving you no option but to look up at him.
“You’re just-” You pause to inhale sharply when you realise how close he is. Your noses almost bumping into each other. You tip your head back slightly, to look at him properly.
“I’m what?” He urges you to go on.
“Not very subtle.” You finally finish your sentence.
“Y/N-” He says with a breathy laugh and you don’t think you’ve ever liked the sound of your name so much before. The tip of his nose rubs against your own just once and the sweetest smile takes over his features. You feel yourself leaning into him even more. His thumb still caressing your jaw and you know he wants to kiss you, but you wait. You let him take the lead. Because you need him to. “I don’t think I ever intended to be subtle with you.”
Your gaze drifts down to his lips and you so desperately want them on yours now, you think you might cave and close the gap yourself. One of your hands travels up and your pointer finger curls around his chain, pulling just a tiny bit. And the second he closes the gap you think you’re going through an out of body experience. His lips feel soft, and you can instantly tell he’s a good kisser.
His mouth slots perfectly against yours, slow at first. But he doesn’t waste time when your lips eagerly part against his. He licks at your bottom lip teasingly before briefly sucking, tongue easily finding its way in and the second it glides against your own, hot and wet, you moan. Both your hands find their way in his hair, slightly pulling, and you feel him sigh against your mouth. The hand on your jaw drags slowly to the back of your neck and into your hair, tilting your head to get the angle he wants. It's filthy, the perfect amount of sloppy and careful. A thousand times better than what you’ve imagined. He sucks on your tongue, forcing another moan out of you.
You try to pull away for a second to catch your breath but the hand in your hair silently instructs you to stay put. “Mmh-mm.” He protests with a whine and the vibration against your mouth feels delicious. Arousing. And you feel pathetic at how wet you already are just from kissing him. He licks into your mouth one more time before pulling back, allowing you to catch your breath, a string of saliva still connecting your lips as you both breathe heavily and your fingers tighten around the collar of his shirt in desperation.
“Fuck.” He exhales against your lips, sounding beautifully wrecked, chest moving up and down rapidly against your own and your erect nipples feel so sensitive rubbing on his shirt. Even with your eyes still closed, you can sense him looking at you, making you feel exposed and incredibly turned on at the same time.
You fully come back to your senses when he starts walking you backwards until you’re eventually backed up against the wall next to the balcony door, suddenly reminding you of your surroundings. You don’t have much time to think before his lips are on yours again and you immediately turn into mush in his arms, mouth pliantly giving him access. The only things audible are your heavy breathing and the wet sounds of your lips smacking. The faint music coming from inside, barely noticeable now. Haechan wraps a hand around your throat, gentle but possessive and you love the weight of it on your sweaty skin, just resting there with intend. His other hand grabs the side of your thigh, raising your leg to rest on his hip. And that’s when you feel the hardness, grinding slowly against your tummy, testing the waters, and you can’t help but gasp in response.
His mouth leaves yours, trailing gentle kisses down your jaw and the side of your neck, leaving wet patches of your combined spit on your skin, and when he reaches the dip of your collarbone, he bites gently, soothing the skin with his tongue afterwards. You can’t help but clench around nothing.
He angles your head to the side, giving himself more space to suck and lick where he pleases as his other hand trails from your thigh to the curve of your ass, squeezing the flesh and bunching up your dress in the process. You whimper at the feeling of his rough hand, your eyes rolling back when he grinds into your front again, with more urgency this time.
"Fuck." You whisper breathlessly, feeling lightheaded.
“Yeah?” He mumbles against your sensitive skin, and you cup his face in your hands, guiding him to look at you again. “What do you want?” He gives you a sweet peck and you instantly melt, your insides turning into mush as you hold him there, kissing him deeply again, squishing his cheeks between your hands and he smiles into the kiss, biting your bottom lip playfully, letting lets it snap back into place, making you whine softly. “Talk to me baby.” It’s barely audible, and he says it with ease, like he’s been calling you that for a while now and your eyes almost roll back at the pet name. A few hours ago, you were high on nerves because of him and now you’re just high on him, touching you and kissing you and calling you ‘baby’, like he owns you.
Your thumbs caress his cheekbones before you trail your hands back up into his hair, nails gently scratching his scalp and he closes his eyes, humming in satisfaction. “Want you,” You murmur and kiss the side of his mouth. You drag a hand down his arm, squeezing his bicep and then sneaking down to his hand that’s casually resting on your ass like it belongs there. You interlock your fingers with his, bringing both your hands between your bodies, guiding him under the front of your short dress, pressing his fingers against the seat of your lacy underwear. “Here.” You whisper against his lips and he inhales deeply, his nostrils flaring and you almost laugh at his reaction. Your leg wraps securely around him urging him closer by pushing the calf into his ass.
“Jesus Christ.” He whispers and his eyes are on his hand as his fingers now start rubbing slowly against your sensitive clit, the delicate lace somewhat helping with the much-needed friction, but you desperately want to feel his skin on yours with no barrier.
You kiss him again and he pliantly parts his lips for your tongue to invade, allowing you to taste the remnants of cherry ice. Your wet muscle glides against his slowly, and you moan when he pushes the flimsy material of your panties aside, like he’s read your mind. The moan turns into a whine when his middle and ring fingers make direct contact with your swollen clit, rubbing slow circles around the nub with precision, like he knows exactly what you like and you kiss him harder trying to distract yourself from the sensitivity, because there’s no way you’re cumming just from a couple fingers like a horny teenager. You both moan in the kiss the moment his fingers dip lower and drag through your wet slit and he doesn’t waste a second, rubbing up and down slowly, spreading the wetness messily.
“You're soaked, fuck.” he mumbles in awe and you bask in the feeling of him finally knowing how much you want him; how much you need him to do something about it. “Messy baby.” His filthy words cloud your brain as your head lulls back against the wall to watch his face. He looks so pretty, his bottom lip trapped in his mouth, his glazed eyes focused on his hand still working between your legs.
He must feel your eyes on him because he looks up at you and watches your reaction with a satisfied expression as the tip of his middle finger catches at your entrance before coming back up to your clit, spreading more of your wetness. He smirks when your jaw drops and your eyes roll back as he starts rubbing the bundle of nerves in firm and quick side-to-side motions with three of his fingers.
"You're so pretty." He mutters against your lips and your stomach flutters at the words, along with your pussy.
“Fuck.” You whine when you feel him delicately suckle on your bottom lip, his tongue playfully dipping out to lick before he starts kissing down to your neck again and your arms wrap around his shoulders, holding him close, tugging at the fabric of his shirt in desperation. “So good.” You breathe into the night air relishing in the intense pleasure the pads of his digits offer, flicking with just the right amount of pressure, exactly how yours would.
“Wanna make you cum.” He breathes heavily into your neck, dragging his lips up until he gently bites your earlobe. His fingers move faster now, abusing your poor clit, circling and massaging harder, and you feel a bead of sweat rolling down the back of your bent knee.
“Yeah, want it.” You nod eagerly, your hips jolting forward and he inhales sharply.
“Yeah, baby?” His eyes on you now. “Think you can take it?” His fingers now slowing down, teasing.
“Uh-huh.” You manage to get out in urgency as his fingers dip down again. “Please.” You stare into his eyes, and you feel yours starting to water when his middle and ring fingers slowly slide into you with ease. Your jaw drops, the stretch delicious and so needed, so welcome. Your vision blurs when he slowly starts pumping them in and out, testing the waters first and your eyes roll back in relief. A squeal escapes you when he curls his fingers just the right amount and starts fucking in and out of your pussy at a rapid pace, like he’s on a mission.
“Oh fuck!” You exclaim in surprise, your hand flying to his bicep as you look down at his hand in surprise, the veins protruding on his tan arm, the sight so sinful you have to close your eyes again. The heel of his palm rubbing against your clit each time he fucks into you, creates a deliciously warm vibration. The sounds are obscene, your wetness making every movement of his loud.
Another pornographic moan breaks out of you when his pace gets a little rougher and Haechan has to shut you up with a hand on your mouth. Your shaky fingers are clawing at his chest, over his shirt, and he lets out a low grunt against the hand he’s got pressed on your mouth, his forehead resting on yours and his eyes closing when you clench around his fingers. Your legs start shaking from the intense pleasure and he opts to wrapping his arm securely around your waist in order to help you maintain your compromised balance. He doesn’t hesitate to replace his hand with his lips, silencing you with a wet, tongue filled kiss, swallowing all your noises. You’re not really kissing him back, your lips parted against his at a pathetic attempt of reciprocating, just panting and whining, completely lost in pleasure.
“I’m so close.” You whisper and you feel like you’re on the verge of crying.
“I’ve got you, baby, c'mon.” He murmurs into the messy kiss breathlessly, saliva coating both your chins and you love every second of it. The pads of his fingers now abusing the rubbery spot at the front of your walls at an intense speed, hitting it just perfectly and you think you’re going to pass out. Your walls flutter around his fingers, sucking him in and you're sure he can tell you're right there. Slick is dripping down his wrist, but he doesn’t seem to mind at all. “Fuck yeah, there it is.”
“Haechan, I'm-“ Your eyes slightly widen, and you can’t even finish your sentence as you stumble over the edge. “Oh my god.” Your voice strained, your lungs struggling to keep up. The heat from where his fingers are burying repeatedly, starts spreading and your stomach clenches. Your walls clamp down on his hand, kneading his fingers and for a second, his eyes close, seeming to enjoy the constricting feeling. Your own eyes roll back at the pleasure, eyebrows creased, jaw dropping in a silent moan, breaths coming out quick and you're sure he can feel your leg shaking uncontrollably against his hip.
“Fuck, you feel so good.” His words make you smile in your daze, and you bite on your bottom lip knowing he finds pleasure in your own. He doesn’t stop moving his fingers, letting you ride out your high for as long as possible and when your eyes open, you see him watching your face in awe, and ironically, you feel shy. His fingers slow down when you whine from overstimulation, until he completely halts and buries them inside to enjoy the feeling of your sensitive walls for a little longer. He kisses your cheek sweetly as he carefully pulls out of you, his fingers bumping lightly against your clit, causing you to flinch. He buries his face in your neck to conceal his laugh, hot breath fanning against your damp skin as he scatters little kisses. You sigh and relax contently when his warm hand cups your whole pussy and he keeps it there in a comforting manner.
"Good?” He whispers, nose delicately rubbing against your flushed skin and you almost don’t hear him due to the ringing in your ears still lingering after the intense high.
"Yeah." Your forehead is sweaty; you feel baby hairs sticking to the damp skin and you lazily smile at how fast his heart is beating against your palm. Your eyes are staring dreamily at his face and you rub your nose against his, your hand coming up to stroke his cheek affectionately. Your thumb drags across his bottom lip and he bites on it playfully, his nose scrunching cutely, making you swoon. It scares you how comfortable you already feel around him.
Your leg drops from his hip, and you wince at the soreness. His hand now trapped between your legs, still cupping your heat. An idea pops into your head, making you smirk and he watches your expression with an inquisitive look, eyebrows raising slightly in question.
"What?" He asks, eyes innocent, seemingly lost.
You firmly wrap a hand around his wrist, trying not to whimper when you feel his fingers drag against your sensitive clit and your hold tightens. He lets you lift his hand between both your faces, his eyes inspecting the strings of wetness stretching between his long digits. Without warning you lean forward, wrapping your swollen lips around the two fingers that were inside you just a few minutes ago and Haechan whimpers at the sinful gesture. It’s erotic, filthy and you don’t even know what took over you but you certainly relish in his reaction. Your eyes watching him carefully, his pupils dilated as he watches you hungrily, cheeks flushed, swollen lips parted prettily.
“Shit, baby.” His voice on the whiny side now, and you feel his other hand tightening on your hip. He’s very clearly turned on and you almost feel bad for torturing him, considering he’s done nothing but please you. He pushes his fingers deeper inside your mouth wanting you to taste yourself and you swirl your tongue around them, harshly sucking, making a mess on purpose. You let a satisfied hum around his digits, closing your eyes as you pull them out with a wet pop.
“You’re being unfair now.” He grunts and grabs the back of your neck, crashing his lips against yours in an open-mouthed kiss. Teeth clashing and tongues tangling messily as he licks into your mouth obscenely, and he moans at the taste of you. You let out a surprised yelp when his fingers find your oversensitive cunt again and he dips them between your puffy lips, rubbing them up and down, like he did before, unforgivingly ignoring your protesting sounds. “Still so wet.” He mutters into the kiss and you whine pathetically.
“Mmf-, too much.” You force the words out against his mouth and grab his wrist in urgency this time. He laughs meanly but obliges anyway. He brings his soaked fingers up to his own lips this time and you can’t seem to be able to break eye contact as he slowly sucks on them, making a spectacle, the act much more intimate when he’s the one doing it.
Once he’s done, he drops his hand on your waist, wiping the wetness on the material of his hoodie and kisses you again, this time slow, languidly, wanting to savour your taste and he moans when your hands start unbuckling his belt. “Can I make you cum?” You murmur into the kiss and he’s contemplating but just as he's about to kiss you again, the moment is ruined by a wandering Jaemin, who rolls the doors open and lets out a shocked sound when he steps out.
“Oh shit, sorry.” His eyes widen when he realises it’s you and Haechan he’s walked in on and not a couple of strangers. “Oh shit.” He says again, with more emphasis this time and you bury your face in Haechan’s shoulder to hide your embarrassment. His arm around your waist tightens in reassurance, sensing your unease and you smile against his neck in silent gratitude. “Yo!” Jaemin says loudly and points an accusatory finger at both of you. "What the fuck? We’ve been looking everywhere for you!”
“Jaem, read the fucking room.” Haechan’s tone is slightly harsh but his touch feels gentle where his hand strokes gently on your waist. “Go back inside, we’ll join you in a bit.”
Jaemin grins mischievously. “Well, most people have gone home now, I just came out to have a smoke, but I’ll leave you to it.” He moves to head back inside but before shutting the big glass door he pokes his head out again. “Oh, just fyi, Chenle is passed out on the sofa and Mark is still in there somewhere, just in case you’re planning on fucking out there.” His expression then changes, eyes narrowing as he inspects both of you from head to toe, a look of realisation taking over his face.
“Unless you already have?” He poses quizzically.
“You’ll go back inside now, unless you want Jeno finding out about last-“
”Kay bye!” Jaemin quickly shuts the door, fleeing the scene before Haechan can finish his sentence.
“Sorry about him.” Haechan mutters, burying his face into your shoulder and lets out a sigh. “Half his brain cells appear to be dead.” You snort at his jokey comment but you can sense the irritation in his voice. You run your fingers through his hair, scratching on the back of his neck and smile to yourself when you feel him shiver against you, his cheek resting on your shoulder.
He lifts his head, looking down your figure as his hands slide down your hips and onto the tops of your thighs, dipping under the hem of your dress and before you can protest, he slips your underwear back into place. His knuckles drag against the sensitive skin of your inner thighs and your breath hitches when you feel him tap his fingers against your core lightly. He laughs when you slap his hand away and you narrow your eyes at him scoldingly. You relax when he smooths over the fabric of your dress to make it look less wrinkled and you find yourself fighting a smile at the sweet gesture. It feels domestic almost.
“Thanks.” You say softly, eyes locking with his. He smiles and leans down to quickly peck you on the lips. His hands caress your sides one last time and then they slide up, squeezing your tits softly in the process, the pads of his fingers lightly dipping into the flesh that spills over the top of your tight dress.
”Pretty.” He mumbles almost to himself and if up until now you were under the impression he was an ass man, now you're thinking you might have been wrong. He continues his journey upwards, taming your messy hair, gently combing stray strands behind your ears. “Come on, I’ll walk you home.”
When you step back inside, you both quietly laugh at the sight of poor Chenle sprawled face first on his new sofa and you’re pretty sure he’s drooling on it. Haechan heads into the kitchen and comes back with a glass of water, which he places on the coffee table next to Chenle’s unmoving body. He then maneuvers him carefully, turning him on his side so he doesn’t choke to death in his sleep with his face buried in the cushions. You smile at the thoughtful gesture, and you move to grab your bag from the coffee table to distract yourself from the fluttering in your stomach.
“’Will he be okay on his own?” A tinge of worry in his eyes.
“Yeah, he’ll be fine. He always passes out like this when he gets too drunk.” You lean down and leave a small kiss on Chenle’s temple and brush the hair away from his forehead. “I’d say he looks angelic but he’s actually the devil incarnate.” You whisper, observing Chenle’s cute face, and you can confirm he’s actually drooling on his sofa.
The walk back to your place is mostly quiet but comfortable. Haechan swings your interlocked hands distractedly as you’re both walking at a slow pace, trying to prolong the night for as long as possible.
“What’s Jaemin’s dirty laundry then? You threatened him you’d tell Jeno earlier.” You break the silence and he chuckles at your question.
“He had sex in Jeno’s bed last year.” He chuckles as he spills the secret and looks at you, gauging your reaction.
“Sounds like someone needs to teach that boy a lesson.” You say, and before you can stop the words tumbling out of your mouth, “Maybe we should fuck in his bed.” Your eyes widen at your own words and Haechan’s head snaps up to look you, mirroring your shocked expression. And then he laughs loudly. A kind of laugh you’ve never heard from him. His hand rests on his abdomen as if his stomach is in pain.
“Alright it’s not that funny.” You pout in embarrassment. “In my head it sounded kind of sexy.”
His laugh gradually dies down until there’s just amusement written on his face. “I mean, we can do that if you actually want to, but I have other priorities.”
“Meaning?”
“Well..” He trails in thought. “Ideally, I'd like to take you out first,” You feel like exploding but you maintain a stoic expression, gesturing him to continue. “And I'd rather fuck you in my own bed before moving on to Jaemin’s or anyone else’s.”
Your breath catches at his forwardness and you’re suddenly struggling to find the right words. “Umm,” you think carefully. “What about my bed?” You ask innocently.
"Don't worry, it's up there." His smirk makes you feel weak and you feel him squeeze your hand in his, running his thumb over the back of it.
“You sound awfully confident.” You say calmly, fighting a smile.
He pulls you closer by your hand. “What, you think I’m playing?” He almost sounds offended.
“I dunno, don’t really know much about you.” You shrug.
“Do you want to?” He asks and for the first time he sounds nervous.
You squeeze his hand the same way he did with yours, hoping to reassure him. “I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I do.” You halt your movements when you reach your building and look up into his eyes. “A lot.” His fingers stay intertwined with yours lazily. A relieved smile takes over his expression, and you really feel like kissing him again. He looks shy all of a sudden and a giggle escapes your throat. “Cute.”
He clicks his tongue to show annoyance, and you can see him poking the muscle against the inside of his cheek, trying to hold back a smile when he looks away for a second. Then he steps closer, invading your space again. “You wanna give me your number? I don’t really use instagram.”
“Okay, green flag.” You say playfully and he snorts. You hold your hand out for him to pass you his phone and when you’ve saved your contact, you text yourself a “hi” so you can save his number too.
“Cool.” He says casually as he shoves his phone in his back pocket.
“Cool.” You say back and step closer to him, wanting to feel his warmth one more time before parting ways. He smiles in understanding and pulls you closer, wrapping both arms around your waist to hold your body flush against his. You wrap your arms around his middle and rest your head on his chest. “I had fun tonight.” You murmur.
He rests his chin at the top of your head. One of his hands sneaks up and holds the back of your neck gently while the other strokes the small of your back. “I did too.” His fingers bury in your hair, gently pulling to make you look at him but you don’t get the chance, because his lips are on yours instantly, dragging slowly, carefully. Both his hands cup your face as he licks your bottom lip for access, which you give without a second thought and his tongue sneaks in to play with yours, letting you taste him. Your body completely relaxes against his, enjoying the warm feeling of his chest against yours.
You whine when he pulls back to look at you and he smiles when your lips trail after his. He gives in with a smile, chastely kissing you again. No tongue this time, but he playfully sucks your bottom lip into his mouth, and you love how safe you feel in his arms. He trails up, kissing the tip of your nose and back down again as he gives you another wet smooch before creating a tiny bit of distance between your lips while maintaining the closeness between your bodies.
You smile against his jaw as you slip your hand into his empty back pocket, lightly squeezing his ass cheek and he laughs at your playfulness. “Okay, you better go now before I drag you upstairs with me.” You give him a little kiss on the cheek before slipping away from his warmth. You take off his hoodie and hand it back to him.
"Mmm okay." He moves away reluctantly. “I’ll text you yeah?” He says with a cute smile.
“I’ll try and text you back.” You tease and he rolls his eyes, his smile not faltering.
“Night, Y/N.” He quietly says in the night air and you melt at the way your name rolls off his tongue.
“Night, Haechan.” You give him a small wave goodbye and watch him walk away.
_
The next morning, you're quietly munching on your cereal, lost in thought, reminiscing last night like it’s a distant memory, when you see a hungover Jeno messily stumbling out of Ningning's room, carrying his shoes in one hand and his jacket in the other. "Didn't care to take off your shoes at the door?" Your voice seems to startle him in the quiet of the morning.
"Shit!" His reaction making you laugh. "Fuck, Y/N, you scared me."
"Sorry." You're really not. "Are you pulling a French exit on my friend?" Your serious tone seems to intimidate him.
"No, she's awake, just snoozing." He says quickly. "I swear." You try not to laugh at the nervousness written all over his face. "Nothing happened, we just cuddled."
"Relax, I'm just fucking with you." You chuckle at his disheveled state. "Want some breakfast? I can offer three kinds of cereal." You point at your selection of boxes.
His eyes widen eagerly at that. "Sure, thanks." He walks towards where you're sitting at the kitchen table, dropping his shoes on the floor and his jacket on the back of his chair, before taking a seat across from you. "I'll just have what you're having." He says with a sweet smile, eyes almost disappearing and you realise he sort of looks like a Samoyed puppy but refrain from making a comment. You’re not that close after all.
You nod and get up to grab him a bowl. He's looking at his phone when he speaks up again. "So, you and Haechan?" You hold back a smile as pass him a bowl with a spoon and the milk. He looks at you again and he explains when he sees your questioning stare. "Jaemin messaged the group chat."
"Ah," You nod in understanding. "Of course."
"So?" He asks expectantly, chewing loudly after he's poured the milk in his cheerios.
"What, you can't wait until he tells you himself?" You ask sarcastically.
"Girls' perspectives are always better." He pauses mid munch. "Plus, Haechan is the most private dude when it comes to stuff like that." For some reason that doesn't surprise you.
"Good for him." You get up to wash your bowl after finishing. "Maybe you're just too nosy."
"Oh c'mon, it's not that big of a deal, is it?" Your silence seems to intrigue him. "Or maybe it is?"
You turn to look at him when you're done washing up, leaning next to the sink and you see he's already devoured the contents of his bowl. "Feel free to go for seconds." You say pointing at the box in front of him and his face lights up before he starts pouring more cereal.
"Do you like him then?" He asks casually as he starts munching again and the question makes you falter. "Because, if you do," He swallows. "I can confirm it's reciprocated." Your eyebrows lift at his confession and Jeno smirks at your shocked expression. "Just spill, I won't tell him." And you trust his words, but you suddenly feel shy, thinking about your intimate moments with Haechan.
"I'll tell you if you tell me about you and Ning." You like knowing boys' perspectives too.
"Sounds fair." He nods with his mouth full.
"You want the TMI version or PG-13?" You appreciate he's still eating so you don't want to ruin his breakfast.
"TMI, always." He says casually.
"He fingered me on Chenle's balcony and then said he wants to take me out." Jeno chokes at your confession.
"Jesus woman!" He coughs lightly and clears his throat before continuing. "No tact whatsoever."
You snort at his reaction. "You said 'TMI always' no?"
"Was it good?" He asks in a quieter and more serious tone now. Like he's asking you to share one of your deepest secrets. And here you were thinking you weren’t that close. You can’t help but laugh because that sounds like what Ningning would have asked in a situation like this. Maybe they are a good match after all.
"The fingering?" He nods at your question, eyes not leaving yours, having paused his eating, spoon still in hand hovering over his bowl. "I mean, I thought I was gonna pass out at some point so, yeah, pretty good."
An eyebrow raised in fascination. "Damn, go Haechan." Then he asks carefully. "So, I take it you'd go out with him?"
You shrug. "Maybe, but I don’t think I want a situationship or anything like that."
"You're in luck, he's not into that shit either."
"We'll see, he hasn't texted yet." You try to sound casual but you know Jeno can see right through you.
"Don't worry, he will."
"Who says I'm worried?" You huff a humorless laugh.
He rolls his eyes and gets up to walk over to the sink, taking his bowl with him. "If he said he wants to take you out, he meant it. And trust me when I say, that boy has had enough of casual flings. He might be going about it a bit backwards, but he’s definitely interested." He states like it's a fact and you're thankful he's trying to reassure you even though he doesn't owe you anything.
"How do you know it's reciprocated?" You ask carefully, referring to what Jeno said earlier and he smiles cheekily.
"I thought you weren't worried." He teases, moving his eyebrows up and down and you flick the back of his head. "Ow! Okay okay, jeez." He rubs the sore spot with the inside of his wrist to prevent his soapy fingers from touching his hair. He then proceeds to dry the clean bowl with the kitchen towel he spots on the counter and hands it to you with a sweet smile on his face.
"Thanks, you didn't have to wash up." You say, putting the bowl back on its shelf. He waves his hand, gesturing that there's no need to thank him for something so small.
"He said he thought you were ‘pretty cool’ after we hounded you on Thursday and for the first time in, like, forever, he was stressing about his outfit before a party."
You give him a pointed look. "How’s that an indication of anything?"
"Trust me, that's enough indication for Haechan. He's probably already planning your wedding in his sleep as we speak." You roll your eyes at his exaggeration. "Y/N, he likes you. It was so obvious that both me and Jaem knew he was gonna make a move last night." He sits down again and starts putting his shoes on. "Obviously, I didn't think he was gonna finger you in a public space and what not but-"
"To be fair, I initiated that." You interrupt him and he snorts.
"I'm sure he didn't mind." Jeno jokes with a smirk, and you cover your face in embarrassment, earning a chuckle from him. He must be enjoying this because he proceeds to tease even more. "If anything, he probably found that incredibly hot." You groan at his words. "Seriously, there's nothing hotter than a woman who knows what she wants."
You look at him through your fingers still covering your face, a teasing comment pops in your head. Two can certainly play this game.
"That explains why you didn't sleep in your own bed last night." You notice the blush that creeps up on his cheeks and you can help but cross your arms over your chest proudly.
"Yeah, something like that." He says sheepishly, his hand awkwardly scratching the back of his neck and you suddenly can't wait for your debrief with Ningning later. "Anyway, my point is, I think you should give him a chance." He finishes putting his shoes on, both feet on the floor now and he looks at you, his back leaning against the chair and his arms crossing over his chest. "He's a great guy."
"Alright, enough about me, your turn now."
_
Haechan likes to think he's a decent guy. He's got his life together; he's on top of his coursework, he gets decent grades, he's got good friends and he's got a part-time job at a record store that pays relatively well. At least well enough to cover his own personal expenses. His parents help him out with rent, but they do appreciate his efforts and he does his best to not feel like a burden. He's a good son and a good big brother to both his siblings. He's polite to old people and even helps them cross the street when he needs to, he loves his friends and always looks out for them, even if he gets grumpy sometimes, he never holds grudges and is upfront about things that bother him. He likes buying his loved ones presents and not just for special occasions. Not because he's a people pleaser, but because he just likes making them happy whenever he can. He tries not to lie except for the odd white lie here and there. He l doesn't fuck around or date aimlessly. At least not anymore. He went through a phase during his first year of uni but it's been two years since then and he's currently embracing single life. Yes, he sometimes does cave into the temptation of bringing a girl back after a party, but it's a rare occurrence and he's always honest about what he wants. He hates leading people on. It's not that he's afraid of commitment, he often finds himself wanting a girlfriend but he's not actively searching for one either.
He knows he doesn't lack in the looks department, or in any other department really. Yeah, he's got his silly insecurities like everyone else but he's a confident guy overall. Although he does admit that he can sometimes be cocky, that's because he knows he's the most mature out of his friends. Yes, Renjun mostly looks after everyone and has a motherly figure, but Haechan gives the best advice when it comes to most serious life dilemmas, and he's aware of that. He might not be the brightest when it comes to academics but he's confident when it comes to navigating life sensibly and responsibly. That's why he was completely and utterly flabbergasted when you came into the picture. His picture.
He's always noticed you before, yes, and he's always thought you were good looking, but that's about it. He doesn't just go around hitting on every girl he finds attractive. He's more of a 'personality above all else' type of man, so when he first saw you, even though he thought to himself 'wow, pretty', he didn't think it would be appropriate to just come up to you and ask for your number. Plus, you seemed somewhat reserved from the few times you had exchanged words. Not that he didn't like that, because he did, he did find you intriguing, he would get to know you if the opportunity posed itself to him, but he also didn't feel like chasing after you would be something you'd like or even welcome. You didn't seem cold, just indifferent. And so, he kind of just opted to observing you from afar. Sometimes you were alone, other times you were with a girl whose name he didn't know, others with a boy whose name he couldn't remember. He was sure they'd met before though, maybe at a party around campus or maybe through a friend? He couldn't quite place him. Other times you were with them both, laughing your heart out at whatever you three were talking about and he would find himself wondering what makes you laugh that hard.
He knew you always sat two rows behind him in his stats class every Thursday afternoon, his last class for that day. However, he rarely got to see you on Thursdays, even though you were both in the same room for an hour and a half. You always arrived after him and left before him, so, whenever he turned his head at the end of the lecture to look for you, you were already gone. The times he did get to see you were the times he would turn up a little later than normal, which was exactly one minute before the professor started the class. Even then, he wasn't really able to observe you for as long as he'd ideally like. He would just get to see the back of your head for a few seconds before reaching his usual seat. He sometimes would pretend to crack his back, just to turn around twice and look at your face for a few seconds. Your attention was always on the notes in front of you though. One time he did catch you already staring at him, you looked away the second his eyes met yours, almost shy. He found it cute and he thought to himself; 'maybe she's not that indifferent after all'.
He knew you and Jeno were somewhat friendly because you shared a few classes and he was sure he'd caught you speaking with Jaemin a couple times in corridors. He wasn't jealous or anything, but he definitely wouldn't mind being on first name basis with you too. And it's not like he was obsessed with you. He didn't really think about you that much, but his intrigue definitely intensified when he got to speak to you properly for the first time at that party just before summer. He can’t clearly remember what you two exactly talked about, but he does remember not wanting to leave, he remembers thinking you looked unreal and he certainly remembers wishing he could relive that moment sober so he could memorise every word that came out of your mouth.
Things have changed now though. Drastically and unexpectedly. Because just two days ago he got to speak to you again and his curiosity morphed into excitement. You pleasantly surprised him. From the way you handled yourself around Jaemin's obnoxiously loud personality to the way you put Jeno in his place like no girl ever has before. You were witty and smart and sweet. Too sweet. And he knows that, because he's quite literally tasted you now. Just a few hours ago he had you pinned against the wall of your friend's new apartment. Just a few hours ago he had you gasping and writhing and pathetically whining his name, simply because his fingers were too much for you. And he loved every second of it.
Haechan didn't really go to Chenle's party thinking he'd get some. He was just excited to get to know you and speak to you one on one. He went into the situation hoping he could maybe flirt with you and end up with your number in his contact list at the end of the night, which he did. And maybe he was hoping he could get to walk you home and get a kiss from you, which again, he did. But he definitely didn't expect you'd reciprocate his flirting like you were prepared for it. He definitely didn't expect you'd ask him who and what he want to write songs about and he definitely didn't expect you to kiss him back the way you did. He's kissed many people before. He's had good kisses, bad ones, a few memorable ones and definitely a lot of forgettable ones. He's never kissed anyone the way he kissed you, though. And he's equally never had anyone kiss him the way you kissed him. Not even ex-girlfriends. Not that he's had many, but the two he's had don't even come close. And that scares him. Because if Haechan thought he wasn't obsessed with you before, he really doesn't know what to think now. But what he does know is that it’s incredibly unfair of you to make him feel and think this much, this soon.
It's still early, the sun barely out. He's maybe managed to get four hours of sleep before getting woken up by the sound of someone retching in the bathroom down the hall. Most likely Jaemin. He almost fell asleep again after that but the sound of a door slamming, completely ruined his slumber. So, now he's just staring at his ceiling, one arm supporting his head on the pillow and the other resting lazily on his naked stomach. He feels tired but he knows he won't be able to go back to sleep now. And that's fine, because he can at least think about you. He can think about your voice and your scent and he can think about how you touched him and how you let him touch you. He can think about how you tried to keep quiet in the midst of pleasure but miserably failed repeatedly. And he's definitely going to think about how good you felt around his fingers. Perfect. There are so many things he can think about when it comes to you and there's not a single bad one. Everything related to you is good.
You said you wanted to get to know him 'a lot', and that was exactly what he wanted to hear, but he can't help but wonder when you started to feel this way. Not that it matters that much, because, regardless of the timeline, he's going to make it happen. He's going to take you out and he's going to get to know you. He's almost worried that he's going about this in the wrong order, because, ideally, he would have wanted to take you out before any kissing and sexual activities took place. Not because he's old fashioned or some kind of prude, but because he doesn't want you getting the wrong impression. He doesn't want you thinking he's only into you because of the sexual chemistry you share. Of course, he thinks physical intimacy is important, but he's always found that emotional intimacy beats all. And he wants to see if he can get to that level with you. He knows you're compatible sexually, he could tell last night you were on the same wavelength. There was no awkwardness, no uncertainty.
He could tell you knew your body well, that you knew what you wanted and he liked that you weren't shy about it. And he'd be lying if he said that wasn't one of his favourite parts of the night; the moment you guided his hand where you wanted it. He found that so attractive that he actually thought about it when he got in his bed last night and finally managed to relieve the hardness in his boxers. He loved that you weren't shy about how much you wanted him to touch you. You were the perfect amount of vocal, and your body reacted to his words the way he hoped it would. So, yes, he is positive sexual chemistry isn’t something you two would struggle with, but he also doesn't want it to be the main thing that you connect on. He wants a lot more than that.
Haechan is self-aware. He's a horny guy and he's not shy about it. He likes what he likes and there's not much he doesn't like when it comes to sex. He's very much open to exploring and what not, but he knows that he's always struggled connecting with people on an emotional level before. Especially people he's dated. He's had flings and he's had casual sexual partners. He's been in a couple of serious relationships, and he's been infatuated with his ex-girlfriends or ex flings, but he knows he’s never been in love with any of them. He remembers thinking he loved his first girlfriend, but he was only 16 back then and when he thinks back to that relationship, he barely sees it as a relationship. All they ever did was go on walks, watch movies, cuddle and make out. Eventually it just fizzled out.
His second relationship was serious, but toxic. He remembers enjoying the push-and-pull situation initially but when it all became so unbearably exhausting, it put him off relationships for a long time. Now that he's had time to be alone and process his own feelings, he knows he's capable of commitment, but he wants it to be with the right person, and he wants it to be with someone who will accept him for who he is. Haechan knows that if he found the one now, he would commit. And he doesn't know if you're the one, but he wouldn't mind exploring if you would stick around for the long run.
And so, later in the day, when he's lazily sprawled on the sofa, next to a hungover Jeno, who apparently saw you this morning and reassured him that you're definitely interested, Haechan decides to finally text you like he promised. When he opens your chat, he sees you've already texted yourself to save his number and added a little sunflower emoji next to your name and he smiles to himself. He wonders if you've added an emoji next to his name too and if so, which one?
20:03 Hae☀️: hey pretty
20:03 Hae☀️: have any free periods tomorrow?
20:09 y/n🌻: hii :)
20:09 y/n🌻: i do
20:10 y/n🌻: I am free between 1pm-3pm
20:11 Hae☀️: wanna grab a coffee with me?
20:12 y/n🌻: i'd love to
20:13 Hae☀️: woop!
20:13 Hae☀️: where shall I meet you?
20:18 y/n🌻: how about the café by the architecture building?
20:21 Hae☀️: i know the one
20:21 Hae☀️: i'll be there there at 1pm sharp
20:22 Hae☀️: don't stand me up 👉🏻👈🏻
20:24 y/n🌻: i would never 🥺
20:25 Hae☀️: thought about you a lot today
20:26 y/n🌻: really?
20:26 y/n🌻: what did you think about?
20:28 Hae☀️: yes really
20:28 Hae☀️: just...things
20:29 Hae☀️: can't say much more than that
20:29 Hae☀️: did you not think about me? :(
20:31 y/n🌻: nah
20:31 y/n🌻: not really :(
20:32 Hae☀️: 🙄
20:32 Hae☀️: ur rude
20:32 Hae☀️: and a liar
20:34 y/n🌻: oops
20:34 y/n🌻: why ask a question you already know the answer to?
20:35 Hae☀️: smooth
20:35 Hae☀️: i guess i needed some reassurance
20:36 y/n🌻: Hae?
20:36 Hae☀️: yea?
20:37 y/n🌻: I thought about you
20:37 y/n🌻: a lot
20:37 y/n🌻: like and unhealthy amount
20:38 Hae☀️: fuck
20:38 Hae☀️: didn't think you'd actually say it
20:40 y/n🌻: happy?
20:40 y/n🌻: it appears I can't say no to you
20:41 Hae☀️: very :)
20:41 Hae☀️: it appears the feeling is mutual
The rest of Haechan's evening consists of him pretending he's paying attention to the Netflix show Jeno picked out for them to watch after dinner, when the only thing he's actually interested in are the messages he's exchanging with you. You told him you're also chilling on your couch with Ningning, watching a crime documentary with a bowl of instant ramen.
"Bruh, you're astronomically whipped." Jeno laughs to himself, the constant buzzing coming from Haechan's phone making it obvious that he's been messaging you.
"Yeah, so? Deal with it." Haechan doesn't even lift his head to look at Jeno, just keeps smiling distractedly at his screen.
Jeno snorts. "At least you're not denying it." He turns his attention back to the show he's practically been watching on his own for the past hour. "I respect that."
Haechan looks up at Jeno and shrugs. "I'm no fraud, Lee Jeno. You, of all people, should know that." And that earns him laugh with a nod of approval.
“You asked her out yet?” The question casual. No teasing tone detected, just curiosity.
"I'm seeing her tomorrow between classes." Haechan's attention back on your chat.
“Like a coffee date?” Jeno asks cutely and Haechan just responds with a nod, his thumbs hovering over his keyboard as he looks up at Jeno, waiting for some sort of comment.
“That's a good first date.” Jeno's words of approval offer Haechan a sense of relief he didn't know he needed. "Just good quality time, no pressure."
“Yeah, that's what I was thinking.” Haechan's eyes are on the tv now, but he isn't really paying attention to the programme.
Jeno sees right through him. "You nervous?"
Haechan thinks about his response. Is he nervous “More excited than nervous, I'd say.” Haechan looks up at him when he's met with silence. "What?" He asks confused when he notices his friend's amused expression.
“Nothing, just trying to think when you turned into an absolute sap.” And he laughs loudly when Haechan hits him in the face with one of the cushions scattered on the sofa. “Relaaaaax you big baby, I'm just messing with you.” Jeno throws the cushion back at Haechan and he catches is with a grunt. “I actually think this is good. You haven't dated anyone half decent in a long time.”
Haechan snorts, because Jeno's words hold nothing but the truth. “True.” He states with a purse of his lips.
“If your first date is casual vibes, you should do something fancy for the second one.” Jeno says in a skeptical tone.
“Since when are you a dating expert?”
“Shut up, you've been dying to ask for advice and you know it.” He's right, but Haechan would never admit that. “It should also be on a Friday or Saturday so you don't have to worry about being hungover in class.” Jeno points a finger at Haechan. “Karaoke could be fun!”
“Where are you taking Ningning?” Jeno's eyes widen at the question and Haechan chuckles triumphantly. "You ever gonna tell me about that or nah?"
“Your new girlfriend can tell you all about it tomorrow.” Jeno crosses his arms over his chest after pulling the hood of his jumper over his head.
“Yeah, we're gonna spend the entirety of our first date talking about your sexcapades.” Haechan responds sarcastically.
“No sexcapades, she said she's not currently dating.” Jeno says quickly with a frown.
“And that's a problem for you, because..?” Haechan gestures with his hand for Jeno to explain. “Is your ego hurt or something?”
Jeno shrugs his shoulders like a toddler. “Just a bit disappointing, you know?”
“Shit.” Haechan says with a tone of fascination. “So, you're into her then.”
Jeno shrugs with a huff and Haechan almost feels bad.
“Did you sleep with her or nah?”
“Nah, just cuddled.” Jeno admits, voice laced with disappointment.
“Jeno,” Haechan pinches the bridge of his nose to show exasperation. “You're an idiot.”
“Wha- why?” Jeno's eyes widen at his friend's insult.
“Are you being daft on purpose? She would've fucked you and chucked you out if she wasn't interested.” Haechan is putting the facts out on the table as if it's going to help Jeno realise what is happening, but to no avail. “She's clearly aware of your reputation.”
Jeno perks up at that. "What about my reputation?" His eyebrows furrowing in annoyance.
Haechan kisses his teeth. "You're a certified slut."
“Yeah and? What am I meant to do?”
Well, if you want her, you're gonna have to work for it.” Haechan says like it's self-explanatory.
"I don't chase." Jeno mumbles stubbornly.
"No Ningning then." And Jeno scoffs at Haechan's patronising tone. "Sounds like you're in need of advice more than I am."
_
You can't really wrap your head around the fact that you're currently walking to your favourite café in campus, only this time you're not meeting up with your two best friends, you’re meeting with Haechan instead. Fuck. You're meeting up with Haechan.
You don't even know if you're supposed to call this a date. He said he wanted to hang out with you and that he can't wait to see you, but people say all sorts of things, and you don't want to get ahead of yourself. You wonder if he's nervous like you are, or if he sees this as a casual coffee break in between his routine. But then again, if it's just that, why ask you and not one of his friends? You told yourself this morning that you wouldn't overthink, but you're now realising that you're miserably failing. Ningning would not be proud.
You check the time on your phone and that instant it buzzes in your hand. Your heart beats a little quicker.
12:55 Hae☀️: what do you want?
12:55 y/n🌻: in life or..?
12:56 Hae☀️: lmao
12:56 Hae☀️: to drink silly
12:56 Hae☀️: we can talk about what you want in life when you get here
12:57 y/n🌻: caramel iced latte pls and thank you :)
12:57 y/n🌻: im 2 mins away btw
12:57 Hae☀️: thought you didn't like sweet things
12:58 Hae☀️: no rush, just ordering now
12:58 y/n🌻: i like my coffee sweet
12:58 y/n🌻: among other things
12:59 Hae☀️: cheeky
12:59 y/n🌻: im here
13:00 y/n🌻: where you at?
13:00 Hae☀️: you look cute
13:00 Hae☀️: to your left
And there he is, sitting at a table by the window, already looking at you, head tilted, eyes pretty, smile saccharine sweet. His phone is still in his hand, thumb hovering over the screen and you notice there's a new ring adorning the digit. His other hand raises and his fingers wiggle, playfully waving at you. You already feel flustered and you think that it should be illegal for a man to be this handsome.
When you walk over, he stands up and casually lifts an arm for you to slot under. "Hey you." He says quietly and you smile. Your arms instinctively wrap around his middle, and your face buries in his shoulder, taking in his familiar scent. It immediately brings you comfort, your overthinking long forgotten. You feel his arms squeezing around your figure and he playfully rocks you from side to side. You giggle and pull back slightly to look at him.
“Hey you.” You repeat his words back at him and his smile is nothing short of mesmerising. His lovely doe eyes hold warmth and tiny stars that you feel could burn you if you stare into them for too long, so you decide to look at the table instead. You spot your iced latte, placed opposite what you assume is an iced americano. “Thanks for getting my coffee, you didn't have to.”
“I wanted to.” He states plainly and unwraps his arms from you, allowing you to sit down before taking his own seat opposite you. It almost feels strange sitting with him like this, seeing him in this light. Not in a lecture hall and not at a party surrounded by your friends. Just the two of you, on a Monday, sitting at your favourite café, in the middle of the day. It’s real. It’s mundane. “Are you hungry? We can get something to eat if you want.” He speaks so fast, one would think he’s trying to cover up nerves.
You smile at his attentiveness and shake your head. “I’m good for now, thanks.”
“Okay.” He doesn’t press and you can’t help but think he looks so boyfriend coded. His big forest green jumper makes him look extra cuddly and you want to bury your face in his neck again. “Heard you bumped into Jeno yesterday.” He says, filling the silence before taking a sip of his coffee.
“Yeah, I interrupted his walk of shame.” You chuckle at the memory. “He looked quite embarrassed, bless him.” You twirl your straw, staring at the condensation dripping down your cup. “Didn’t realise he was that nosy though.” You say with a grin and your eyes move to look at Haechan who’s mirroring you.
His lips curl into a smirk. “Why, did he ask about-” He pauses for a moment, trying to find the right words. “About Saturday night.” His eyebrow raises inquisitively.
Your chin rests on your hand. “Mm-hm, apparently Jaemin messaged your group chat.”
Haechan snorts and you assume he knows which message you’re referring to. “Yeah, if you found Jeno nosy, good luck tolerating Jaemin.”
“I’m just hoping we didn’t scar him for life.”
“I mean,” he shrugs, gently tapping his fingers on the table surface. “He didn’t actually see anything.” His tone suggestive, he’s eyes watching you, trying to gauge a reaction. “Had he walked out a few minutes earlier-”
“Shut up.” You warn and cover your eyes with both hands in embarrassment, smiling against your palms at the sound of his pretty laugh.
“C’monnnn,” he reaches across the table and takes hold of your wrists, pulling your hands away from your face so he’s able to look at you properly, while holding your hands in his, in the most delicate way. You stubbornly look away, trying to hide the blush that has taken over your face. “Aww don't be embarrassed.” He coos and squeezes your wrists in his hands, his thumbs sneaking under your sweater paws, rubbing gently against your pulse points, causing goosebumps to raise on your arms. “Okay, I’m sorry, I won’t tease anymore today, I promise.” He says in a playful tone but you still don’t look at him and maintain the pout on your face. A quick kiss on the inside of your wrist earns him your attention and then another on the opposite one makes you break your resolve completely, your eyes now on his. “Yay, there she is.”
“You’re annoying.” You huff and he chuckles again.
“And you’re still blushing.”
You retract your hand from his hold and attempt to flick at his forehead, but he grasps it again before you’re able to. He interlocks his fingers with yours and gives you a toothy grin. His perfect teeth showing and his eyes wrinkling at the corners. “How do you expect me to not feel embarrassed when you act like-” You stop yourself from saying what's on your mind and he perks up at your hesitation, eyebrows raised.
“Like what?” He asks, his voice laced with intrigue.
“The way you do.” Your gaze moves to your connected hands, taking in the way his fingers look slotted between yours. Perfect. Like they belong there.
“You don’t like the way I act?” His bottom lip jutting out in a fake pout, gently stroking the back of your thumb with his own.
“No, I do but-” You observe how his palm opens against your own, fingers extending and yours instinctively mirror the action, elbows pressed on the table and your heart flutters at how big his hand looks compared to yours.
“But?” He’s also looking at your hands now and slots his fingers between yours again, his grip tight, his palm warm and you worry he can feel how clammy yours is.
“You’re just too forward.”
“Is that a bad thing?” His tone more serious now, his eyes observing you. “I told you; I never intended to be subtle with you.” His hold on your hand loosening. “But I can stop if you’re uncomfortable.”
“No.” Your hand tightening its hold, quietly indicating you don’t want him to let go and he sports a cheeky smile, like he expected you to react that way. “I’m just not used to this.”
His eyes are curious now. “Used to people being forward?” You nod at his question. He thinks about it for a moment. “You were pretty forward yourself the other night.”
“That’s different.” You say calmly.
“How come?”
“Nights like that don’t happen all the time.” You explain with a shrug, without giving away too much.
His expression softens, and his nods in understanding. “So, you knew you wanted me before the party then.” He says it like a statement but you know he’s asking as he watches you with expectant eyes. His hand leaves yours momentarily, dropping on the table, palm facing up, waiting for your own hand to drop back into his. And it does. You trace your fingertips from his wrist to the middle of his palm, drawing along the lines there. His own fingers raising slightly to tickle against your palm, tracing patterns and you feel giddy. He’s emitting this softness you’ve never encountered in a romantic partner before and you’re not sure if you can handle it. But you want to be able to.
“I did, yeah.” You admit with a smile, eyes finding his wide ones. “Why are you so surprised?”
“I just- I did too.” He bites the inside of his bottom lip in thought. “Just wasn’t sure how to approach you before.” Your own surprise evident. “Why are you so surprised?” He mimics your question with a playful tone.
“Since when?” You ask, wanting to know more.
He hums skeptically, and you feel his knee bumping into yours under the small table, “I mean, I’ve always been intrigued.” He moves again and you feel both his knees rubbing against yours now. “But I knew I was into you after we spoke at that party in June.” Both your knees are trapped between his now and you can’t help but feel flustered, your fingers limp in his palm while his index is still tracing the inside of your wrist. It slightly tickles but it’s welcome. “You?”
You could lie and say it was the same for you. That you realised you were interested when you finally spoke for the first time. But you don’t really want to, and you don’t see the point. “I think- I can’t really place it, but I was definitely interested before June.” You expect him to tease, but he just nods in understanding, gesturing you to continue. “And I could tell you were kind of flirting, when we briefly spoke last week, so, I thought Chenle's party was the perfect time to act on it.”
“So, you’ve had a crush on me?” He smirks and his knees squeeze yours between them, finally teasing you. "Cute.” He says under his breath, eyes move to your lips for a second and then up to your eyes again. “You should’ve said something sooner.” He raises his drink and his lips wrap around the straw and you can’t help but look, remembering what they felt like on yours, on your skin, what they looked like wrapped around his fingers when he wanted a taste of you.
“I didn’t think you would’ve reciprocated.” You say bashfully and he looks at you, like he finds your words absurd.
He puts his drink down again. “I'd be clinically insane.”
His words emit a small laugh from you. "Well, I'm glad you're somewhat sane."
"Do you wanna go for a walk?" The question unexpected and your eyebrows raise in surprise. "Sun's out again." He points his chin towards the window and you turn your head to look outside. The autumn leaves are still falling but he's right. The sun is out for the first time in a few days. "Promise I'll have you back by three." He says in a playful tone and you look back at him, pretending to consider his suggestion, even though, you know you won’t decline.
_
Haechan isn't really a big fan of autumn. He doesn't hate it, but he certainly likes summertime the most. He likes being able to walk down the beach with no layers on and no worry that it'll get cold late at night. He likes the way the sun feels on his skin and he definitely prefers the way he looks when he's sun kissed. He finds that everyone looks good in the sun.
He's always associated the idea of falling in love with a nice refreshing summer breeze; not necessary, because he's content in the heat, but definitely not unwanted.
The thought of summer always makes him miss home and look forward to the next time he's able to visit. If he's completely honest, Haechan always misses home a little bit, it's always occupying the back of his mind. The city; as fun as it is living here, has always felt too different. Too chaotic. Now that you're walking next to him though, he's not missing anything and he thinks it's the first time since he moved here, that he feels absolutely and utterly content. At peace even. Even in the chilly autumn air as you two walk through the park near your campus, surrounded by brown leaf covered trees.
"What's your favourite time of the year?" He can't help but ask the question when it pops into his head.
"Hmm I think this one." You lift a finger, gesturing to your surroundings and you pause for a moment skeptically. "I think it’s mostly because I prefer autumn fashion." He chuckles at your reasoning. "Hey, don't laugh," You protest. "I'd like summer more if I could lounge by a pool in a bikini whenever I wanted." You inhale deeply, your eyes briefly closing and he can tell you're enjoying the autumn air. "Autumn is just easier, plus, I love the smell of rain." You turn to look at him before looking ahead of you again. "What's yours? You give off major summer vibes."
He exhales a laugh through his nose. "Really? What gave it away?" He looks at your side profile as he waits for a response. He thinks you look so pretty in this gloomy setting and wonders if you’d look even prettier during his favourite season.
"Dunno." You seem to be in deep thought, your lips pursing and your eyes narrowing as you inspect his face carefully. "Maybe your tan?" And he mimics your expression, scrunching his nose too and you gently elbow him. "Did I get it right?" You ask hopefully.
"You sure did." He confirms, nodding proudly and a cheeky smile makes its way to your lips.
"Why summer then?" You ask with a curious lilt in your tone.
"I guess I associate summer with my childhood." He explains with a fond smile. "It reminds me of being-"
"Carefree?" You finish his sentence and he smiles, nodding slowly in agreement. "That makes sense." You validate his thought process in the sweetest voice and he can't help but feel a certain way that leads him to slip his hand into yours. He senses your hesitation and worries he's overstepped a boundary but instantly relaxes when he feels your fingers take their place between his. You're not looking at him, but he can sense you trying to conceal your flustered state by nonchalantly keeping your eyes on the pavement.
He suddenly remembers you've got a class to attend at 3pm and slips his phone out of his back pocket to check the time. "It's half two, we should probably start heading back." He reminds you, not wanting to be the reason you mess up your schedule for the day.
"Oh shit." Your eyes slightly widen at the realisation. "That was quick." You admit absentmindedly and he laughs softly.
"Hmmmm what can I say, time flies when you're with me." He says with a suggestive pointed grin.
"Didn't realise you were this deluded." You scoff, eyes rolling playfully.
"Hey now." He warns with a nudge against your shoulder and can't hide the amused grin on his face when you giggle. "You had fun, admit it."
"Mmmmaybe." You say with a cheeky smile, and he feels his pulse increasing. His chest constricts inevitably at how cute and soft you look. Your chin brushing your shoulder as you turn your head to look at him, batting your lashes seductively. He wonders if you know the effect you have on him.
“You act all brave now, but -” He stops walking, making you halt, and you turn to look at him. “I bet I could easily make you skip class, if I really wanted to.” He says suggestively, a cocky eyebrow raising when he takes in your surprised expression. He pulls you closer, pulling lightly at your hand that's still in his and you stumble, putting a hand on his chest to regain your balance. You look up at him, and he thinks 'there it is', there's that not-so-innocent look from Saturday night. You don't shy away or get flustered this time, you stand your ground, and he suddenly wants to ruin you. But he knows this is not the time and place and he curses internally for choosing to go on a stupid coffee date. He's definitely taking you out somewhere more intimate and romantic next time, like Jeno suggested.
"And how exactly would you do that?" You ask, testing his resolve, which, apparently, runs very thin when it comes to you.
He leans down so his lips are by your ear, the hand that's not holding yours, taking purchase on your waist. "I'd show you but you'd probably get all shy on me." He murmurs and relishes in the way your hand tightens its hold on the fabric of his jumper. He feels your breathing quicken and can't help but laugh at your reaction.
He moves to pull away and the second his eyes land on yours, your hand grabs the back of his neck and your lips crash on his. His breath hitches and his eyes widen at the impact, before he relaxes against you and kisses you back. He relishes in the feel of your soft lips sliding against his, and the warmth your body radiates when he pulls you closer with his arm around your waist and when he feels you sigh, body pliantly slotting into his, he wonders if someone if playing a prank on him, because there’s no way you’re this perfect for him. You wrap both your arms around his neck securely and he moves a hand to your hip, gently squeezing, his fingers dangerously close to your ass. You whimper when his tongue makes contact with your bottom lip and he feels you tilt your head to the side silently asking him to deepen the kiss, but he decides that the next time he has a full on make out session with you is going to be somewhere private. He bites your bottom lip lightly and gives you a quick peck before breaking the kiss completely and you whine at the sudden loss of contact, making him laugh. The hand on your hip sneakily slides itself into your back pocket, giving your bum a playful squeeze, before letting it rest there lazily, simply because he can't help himself. "You're trouble, Y/N." He mumbles against your lips.
Your eyes open at that, finding his and your hand caresses the back of his neck while you suck your bottom lip into your mouth and his jeans start to feel constricting at the thought of you doing that so you can taste him again, now that he's no longer kissing you. "I'm trouble?" You ask in disbelief.
"You kissed me." He states in an accusatory tone as if he wouldn't have done it himself anyway.
"I know." You whisper, your eyes dropping to his lips again. "I wanted to." You mumble and your tone makes his brain overflow with thoughts that revolve around you and his bed, because it doesn't matter that it's Monday afternoon and you're walking around the park. In Haechan’s head, nothing matters in this moment other than the fact that he desperately wants you in ways he hasn’t wanted anyone before and that scares him. Not because he doesn’t want to. But simply because he does. Haechan wants to want you.
_
"And with five minutes to spare." Haechan says with a proud smile when you reach the entrance of the building your class, still hand in hand and you can't help but smile back.
“You know you're definitely gonna be late, right?” You say in a scolding tone and he scoffs rolling his eyes.
“And whose fault is that?” He says playfully, pulling you closer.
“You should've said you were meeting Jaemin at three, how am I supposed to- mmmf.” He interrupts you with a kiss against your lips, cupping your face in his hands. He pulls away quicker than you'd prefer but you still can't help the surprised laugh that escapes you.
"I know I’ll see you on Thursday, but can I take you out Friday night?" He asks, eyes wide and hopeful and you smile.
"You can." You say with a dreamy tone, taking in his pretty brown eyes and the way his smile widens when you accept to go on a second date with him.
"Good." He kisses you chastely again and rubs his nose against yours before dropping a wet smooch on your cheek, laughing at your reaction.
"Yah!" You complain cringing at the wet sensation against your skin. "Ewww, you slobbered on meeee." You whine, wiping the wetness off your face with the back of your hand, your nose scrunching in fake disgust but your heart flutters at the sound of his laugh. "Fucking weirdo." You huff, torn between laughter and exasperation.
"Be a good girl and get to class." He turns you around, putting his hands on your shoulders and guiding you towards the entrance of the building, arms hugging you from behind and the butterflies in your stomach go ballistic. "Also, sit with me on Thursday." He whispers in your ear and you shiver at the feeling of his warm breath on your neck. You turn your head sideways to look at his face and you can't stop your lips from curling into a grin.
"Be a good boy and don't tell me what to do." You whisper against his jaw, where you press a quick kiss that surprises him, his arms loosening around your shoulders in shock and you take the opportunity to turn around and loosely wrap your arms around his waist. You raise on your tippy toes so you can bring your lips to his ear. “I’ll see you soon, Lee Haechan.” You say with a low tone and to anyone else it might seem like you're just hugging, but you can feel his chest moving shallowly against your own when you give him another gentle kiss, on the cheek this time.
"What the f-" You walk away with a sweet smile, before he can react or finish his sentence and you couldn't be more satisfied with yourself. You know he's still standing there, looking at you while you walk away from him and you smile to yourself.
When you take your usual seat next to Chenle, in the back of the big lecture hall, he looks at you with a smirk, arms crossed over his chest. "So? How was it?" He asks and a giggle escapes him when you sigh with a dreamy smile on your face. "That good?"
“You have no idea.” You feel you phone buzz in your pocket and you already have an idea what to expect.
15:01 Hae☀️: that was fucked up...
15:01 Hae☀️️: you're in for a treat next time i see you
_
Thursday rolls around slower than normal this week and you know why it feels that way. You can’t wait to see him.
This is the first time you’ve running late to a class though and you’re cursing yourself for deciding to take a nap earlier. The bus that would have gotten you there on time was already gone, so your only solution was to walk and be ten minutes late. It wasn’t the end of the world, students walked late into classes all the time, and it’s not like you’re anal about punctuality. It’s just that you hate being the centre of attention.
And when you walk in, everything pans out exactly how you predicted; some people turn their heads to look when you enter the hall as quietly as possible and some couldn’t care less. When you skip past your usual row of seats though, taking a seat two rows ahead, next to the handsome boy who’s been lately occupying your thoughts, more people’s eyes drift to your direction and you’re thankful to your professor, who just continues speaking, without batting an eyelid at your tardiness.
“You okay? I texted you.” Haechan leans into whisper in your ear, voice as quiet as possible. And arm extends behind you, resting on the back of your seat casually and you feel the warmth radiating on your shoulder blades, through the material of your top.
You look at him for a moment before starting to take out your notes and iPad. “I know, I took a nap and overslept.” You whisper back maintaining the decibels of your voice as low as possible and you can tell he’s holding back a laugh.
You look past him and you see Jaemin and Jeno both looking at you and waving. You mouth ‘hi’ to both of them offering a smile and your eyes land on Haechan again who’s smiling at you like he’s up to something. He relaxes in his seat, slightly sinking into it and slouching while spreading his legs, his knee now touching yours and you know what he’s trying to do.
You also lean back and relax in your seat, pretending to finally pay attention to whatever example is being demonstrated on the board. Your knee playfully nudges his. “Stop manspreading.” Your eyes still on the board but your attention on him.
“I’d say sorry, but it was intentional.” He states and you hold in your exasperation as well as your laugh. Your amused expression falters when he reaches to take your hand in his and rests them on his thigh. He’s too casual for your liking and too soft for your poor heart that’s about to beat out of your chest.
When he said that you’re in for a treat he really meant it.
He walks you home that day.
-
“What the actual fuck?” Your voice is high-pitched; eyes so wide, they resemble a cartoon’s.
“What?” He laughs at your comical expression and places the mic down on the table in the centre of the noraebang room.
“You made me go first so you could embarrass me!” You loudly accuse with your finger pointing at him.
“You weren’t bad!” He can’t help the laughter that won’t stop. You’re frowning still and you look so adorable and believably annoyed. He knows it’s all pretend though.
“You were so good though.” Your frown slowly turns into a pout. “And it was all in Japanese.” Your wide eyes looking up at him from when you’re still sat cross legged on the leather sofa seat. He feels weak. You make him feel weak.
“I took singing lessons when I was younger.” He explains with a smile. “And that’s my favourite song so I’ve had practice.” He approaches slowly and takes a seat next to you, huffing and spreading his legs slightly to get comfortable while his head rests on the back of the sofa. He’s the one looking up at you now. You look so pretty in the purple and blue hues that light up the room. He definitely made the right choice bringing you here after dinner. He wanted to keep your second date PG but the way you’re looking at him right now makes him contemplate.
“Ah right. He’s an artist.” A teasing smile takes over your face as you hold his gaze. He groans and you giggle when his hands come up to cover his face in embarrassment. He feels you shift next to him and when he looks at you through the gaps of his fingers you’ve turned your body towards him, still crossing your legs. “You have a pretty voice, Lee Haechan.”
He knows he’s blushing, but he snorts, trying to feign nonchalance. “Thanks.” his hands drop and rest on his thighs.
“Did you bring me here to show off then?” Your tone still ever so teasing.
“No, but I was hoping to impress you maybe.” He admits without realising. Your effect on him frustrates him.
“By serenading me in a language I can’t understand?” Your smile is so sweet, tooth ache inducing. So sweet it’s contagious. You move a little closer and he can smell your sweet perfume. His eyes drop to your exposed neck and then to the collarbones he’s dying to press soft kisses on. “Consider me impressed.” You say and his eyes come back up to your face. You seem to be fighting your smile now and he’s obsessed with the fact that you don’t want to give away how affected you also are by him.
“What’s your favourite song?” He asks in a low voice, sitting up a bit and extending an arm along the back of the sofa. Your eyes instantly drop there, and your hand comes up to trace a vein absentmindedly. He manages to contain the shiver that creeps up on him, but he can’t control the goosebumps raising on his skin.
“Japanese Denim by Daniel Caesar.” You respond, copying his low tone. Your eyes not leaving your fingers gingerly trailing up and down his skin. “You know it?” you look at him in question.
Haechan is thankful he does. “Myyy blueee jeaaansss.” He sings the start of the chorus playfully and you giggle, pushing his shoulder lightly.
“Okay r&b king.” You joke with a laugh. He pokes your side and you flinch with a half whine half giggle. He can’t help but smile at the sound.
“I just think his lyrics are like poetry, you know?” You shrug, explaining why you see the appeal. Your hand is now resting in his arm, no longer tracing and he enjoys the weight of it. The warmth. He wants to reach out and touch you too, but he doesn’t move. The moment feels too precious to ruin.
“They really are.” He agrees with a small nod. He likes to think that maybe he’ll be able to write lyrics like those one day, but he doesn’t say it. He doesn’t want to talk about himself now. He’s too busy admiring you. “You’re so pretty.” He says softly and he doesn’t even register the words leaving his mouth until he gets the cutest reaction from you. You look away, smiling big and your hands come up to press against your cheeks, attempting to cover what he assumes is a blush. A soft chuckle escapes him and he reaches up with both hands to remove yours from your face. “Blush away, no need to hide.” He teases you. He finds that he’s good at it. He wonders if it’s because you generally get flustered so easily or if it’s just the effect he has on you. He hopes it’s the latter.
When your hands aren’t in the way, he taps a finger under your chin gently encouraging you to turn your head so he can look at you again. He then instinctively moves closer, craving to feel your warmth better and when your eyes find his again, his chest constricts. He sometimes doesn’t understand how it’s possible that he’s come to feel so attached to you in such a short amount of time, how he so easily gravitates towards you. But then you look at him and he understands. You speak and he understands. You laugh and he understands. You touch him and he understands. It almost feels foreign but never unwelcome. Never forced. And that scares him.
Haechan trails his fingers from your chin down to your collarbone, tracing softly and he slowly moves the fallen strands of hair behind your shoulder. He feels your gasp when he leans forward to leave a kiss on the curve of it. Then a little lower. And a little lower until his nose nuzzles against the dip of your collarbone. Another kiss. And another. This time his tongue makes contact first, tasting the skin, before his lips pucker on the sensitive surface again. Your breathing has turned shallow and he smiles at the sight of your chest moving up and down. Your fingers thread into his hair, slightly pulling and he sighs against your wet skin. You catch him off guard when your other hand pushes him by the shoulder and he’s about to apologise for crossing a line but then you quickly straddle him and his mind goes blank. This is definitely not PG.
“Someone could see us, you know.” You whisper against his lips and he almost moans. The hand in his hair pulls again and his head drops against the back of the seat pliantly, eyes closing at the feeling of your lips on his jawline. You scatter small kisses until you reach his ear and lightly bite on his lobe, his breathing quickens and the moan he’s been holding in eventually escapes at your next words. “Bet that turns you on though.” His hands instantly come up to hold onto something, anything. One grabs onto your waist, the other lands on your thigh, just below the hem of your skirt. “Talk to me.” You whisper sweetly in his ear before starting to trail kisses down the column of neck. The further down you travel, the wetter they get and he feels himself getting hard, his hips slightly raising to get some friction, but you don’t budge. “Behave.” You laugh against his neck in a hot puff of air and his voice comes out in a soft whine.
“Baby,” he breathes out weakly and you coo softly against his neck while gingerly sucking on the delicate flesh. He feels you place a hand on his chest, above where his heart is beating uncontrollably and he knows you can feel it too, your thumb stroking soothingly to comfort him. “Wanna kiss you.” He pleads pathetically and he feels like he might come in his pants when you suddenly grind your hips down. His breath catches in his throat and he trails a hand up your back, between your shoulder blades, to wrap around the base of your neck, pressing you down as he thrusts up into you. He smiles stupidly when you bring up your face, unburying from his neck, to look at him with wide eyes. He thinks you might scold him but instead you just wrap a hand around his neck, pressing your fingers against his pulse points in a possessive manner and he groans. His eyes shut at the dizzying sensation and when he feels your lips press on his, he relishes. His head tilts automatically to deepen the kiss and he sighs into your mouth when your tongue finds its way in. It’s intoxicating and he swears he feels high. Your hand around his neck definitely playing a part but it’s mostly your taste and the way you kiss him exactly how he likes to be kissed. Wet and filthy but still slow, sucking on his tongue to tease him. He feels his heartbeat going wild without permission when you grind down again, just the right way, the perfect amount of pressure to drive him insane.
His hands trail down to messily bunch up the fabric of your corduroy skirt so he can squeeze the flesh of your ass in his palms, fingers digging into the skin. He’s not gentle with you this time but your moans against his lips encourage him not to hold back.
You’re now grinding down with determined force and he moans into your mouth when his fully hard dick slots between your pussy lips, the only thing separating you, his layers and your underwear. He matches your pace, hips coming up when yours drop down and he realises that you’re no longer teasing him. “Think you can cum like this?” You ask against his lips, the scratch in your voice driving him insane, breathing ragged, hips quickening their eager ministrations. He nods, staring into your eyes. “You want to?” You ask again, keeping your eyes on his as your arms wrap around his shoulders to gain more support and he responds with another nod and a shaky breath. His head dips forward, eyes dropping down to where you’re connected and his hand pushes your skirt up even further, to get a better look. He groans at the sight. Your panties almost trapped between your folds, your pussy leaving a trail of wetness on the front of his jeans whenever you drag your body back and he feels himself twitch in his pants. It’s sinful. It’s perfect. You're perfect.
“Fuck, hang on.” He whispers suddenly, arm wrapping around your middle to halt your movements and he quickly unbuttons his jeans with one hand. His hips raise a little bit as he clumsily pushes the fabric down, leaving his boxers still on. “Okay.” He exhales and his hands find your hips again, guiding you to resume your work. The friction so much better now that he can properly feel your wetness seeping through the cotton and he loves that he can see the way his fat cock drags between your lace clad pussy lips. Your whining doesn’t go unnoticed, and he looks up at your face only to find you also looking down dazedly. He relishes in the idea that you can get as dirty as he can and he takes in the sight of you now; lips parted, gasping audibly, your nipples hard and visible through your thin blouse and he’s suspecting that you’ve foregone wearing a bra. His hands drag upwards, leaving your hips, trusting you to keep grinding down with no guidance and when he squeezes the flesh of your breasts through the fabric, his suspicions are confirmed. You moan when his thumbs rub on your already sensitive nipples, leaning into his touch and he repeats the action, enjoying the desperate little sounds you let out. “I’m close.” He announces in a gasp, his balls feel heavy and he knows he’s leaking precum, adding to the wet patch you’ve created on the front of his boxers.
“Yeah?” Your eyes search his, hands cupping his face and kissing him again, soft this time. “You gonna cum for me, pretty boy?” He feels his eyes roll back at your words and all he can do is nod again. He anchors himself by squeezing your ass in his hands again and he loves the whimpers you let out when his hands get a little rougher, making the flesh ripple. He decides to take matters into his own hands when he feels your thighs shaking around his hips, suspecting the soreness in your muscles and his hold on you gives you no option but to quicken the pace
“Fuck, you feel so fuckin good, baby, please don’t stop.” He exasperatedly begs, his breath shaky and he feels like he’s losing it. Pathetic.
“Yes, god, m’cumming.” His voice comes out ruined, words muffled against your lips, vision blurring and his jaw drops when he reaches his peak, soaking his boxers like a teenage boy. Your hands slide into his hair when he starts shaking and he basks in the comforting touch. His head drops back on the seat again and he feels dizzy, your hips are still moving, dragging out his high and when it gets too much, he gently taps his fingers on your ass cheek, smiling dumbly. “Mmh, just give me a second.” He sighs as you take a seat, directly on his cock, softly cooing at him and kissing his cheek as you push his fringe back, revealing his damp forehead and he purrs at the gentleness.
“Good?” You ask sweetly and he almost scoffs, because there’s no way you don’t know you’ve just ruined him when he’s pathetically drenched his underwear like a horny teenage boy.
“Intense.” He hums and he feels himself shiver when you let out a breathy laugh against his skin, nuzzling into his temple. He slowly turns his head and catches your lips in a slow kiss. “Wanna make you feel good too.” He murmurs against in the kiss and when he notices the conflicted expression on your face, he doubles down. “I’ll be quick.”
“Confident?” You tease with a smile that he can’t help but return. Your teeth sink on your bottom lip when he cups your pussy and he moans at the feeling of soaked lace.
“Not like I haven’t done it before.” He teases back and he laughs when you swat at his chest. “Please?” He tries again, tone needy this time and he uses his puppy eyes, smiling when he breaks through your resolve. The second you nod, he wraps an arm around you securely and his other hand grabs at the fleshy bit where your ass meets your thigh. “Lie down for me.” He whispers and helps maneuver you onto your back swiftly. He can’t help but smirk when your legs instinctively part for him to slot in between, and he does exactly that, coming to position himself above you, supporting his weight on one arm by the side of your head. His lips find yours again, in a hungry kiss and this time it’s his tongue that dominates yours, sliding into your mouth, tasting you just like you did to him earlier. He loves the sigh you let out through your nose when his hand slips into your underwear slowly, sliding his middle finger between your folds but what he loves the most is how wet you are.
“Can I use my mouth?” He questions mid kiss and you must like the sound of that, because he feels you grind against his palm.
“You can do anything you want, just no sex.” You say shyly. “Not here.”
“Told you, baby,” He gives your lips another peck before kissing down your neck, giving your tit a tentative squeeze as he moves downwards. “Wanna do that in my bed first.” Your moan at the promise brings a smile to his face as his hands slip into the top of your panties and drag them down your legs hastily, feeling the goosebumps on your skin. He stuffs the flimsy material into his back pocket, earning a questioning look from you and he grins. “Don’t worry, you’ll get them back.” He starts kissing from the inside of your knee to your inner thigh, wet and full of tongue.
“Stop teasing.” You whine, raising your hips impatiently when he reaches closer to where you want him. And he chuckles against your folds, watching as your legs spread even more for him.
His head rests on your inner thigh, comfortably and he looks up at your face, gauging your reaction. “What do you say?”
“Please.” You whisper and he feels his dick harden again at your submissive tone.
“Good girl.” He mutters and his hands slide up your inner thighs, thumbs pulling your pussy lips apart, revealing your cute swollen nub, all pretty and pink and he can see you’re clenching around nothing. Clear pearls of slick drip from the tiny hole that he can’t wait to lap up. You’re more than wet enough but Haechan doesn’t think twice before letting a fat glob of spit slowly drip from his mouth and he feels his dick twitch at the sight. You moan when you feel the extra wetness land on your cunt and he does it again, watching his spit drip down to your asshole, making a mess of you. Nothing but sensual. “Yeah? You like it messy?” He breathes out in admiration and he doesn’t even need an answer, he knows you do. His hand comes up again, fingers spreading the mixed wetness through your folds. His middle and ring fingers create a v shape around your clit, isolating the nub between them and the tip of his tongue comes out to make contact, flicking gently up and down. You both moan in unison, your hands burying in his hair to keep him where you need him and he loves how ruined you already sound, how your legs part completely, how addictive you taste on his tongue. And he loves that he can’t get enough of you.
“Mmh, fuck.” You moan when his arm wraps around your thigh, bringing his hand to separate your folds from the top, palm pressing against your pubic bone, fingers delicately pulling the hood of your clit up, revealing more of the little nub. His flat tongue licks from your hole to your clit and he repeats the action when he feels your fingers pull at his hair harder. The pink muscle then settles back to delivering quick flicks on your nub, the direct contact making you squeal and he smiles at the adorable sound. “Yes, like that.” You encourage him, the praise making his chest swell with pride. His other hand joins and his middle finger teases your leaking entrance, circling before slowly sliding in until it’s fully buried inside, your soaked walls making the glide so easy, that he’s certain one digit won’t be enough.
When his jaw gets tired, he switches to sucking harshly on your clit, making you groan and he slowly starts to move his finger in and out, curling up slightly, following the curve of your pussy. He knows you want more, your hole dripping even more slick around his finger, so he slows down as he adds a second one. You sigh when you feel the extra stretch and he knows he’s got you where he wants you when you start clenching.
“Fuck, baby, you’re creaming.” He points out in disbelief when he sees the white substance coating his digits every time they pull out of you and you whine in embarrassment. “I swear to god, I’m gonna fuck you stupid one day.” He promises against your cunt and goes back to sucking, more determined this time. His fingers start pumping quicker into you, the squelching sounds nothing but melodic in his ears and your tight nothing but heaven around his fingers. Your whines get louder when his speed increases and he knows he’s hitting your sweet spot every time he thrusts in, the pads of his fingers dragging against your walls. “Right there, hm?” His pace quickens even more and he looks up when he feels your eyes on him. You’re on your elbows now, jaw agape, eyes on his lips, watching him ruin you and his tongue comes out to flick quickly from side to side, his head moving with it, making a spectacle without breaking eye contact.
“I’m gonna cum.” You warn in a whisper , burying a hand in his hair again and your elbows give out, allowing your body to drop back down. He hums against your cunt, letting you know he’s got you and he feels your legs trembling around his head. “Fuck, yes yes yes.” Your voice sounds broken, your walls are kneading his fingers and he has to put extra effort into sliding in and out due to the restricting tightness. He doesn’t stop though, even when he knows you’re coming down from your high, he keeps pushing your boundaries. He wants more. “Haechan!” You squeal when he sucks on your clit again and he laughs darkly. Your hand tries to push him away, legs attempting to close around his head but he’s not quite done yet, his hold around your thigh tight enough to keep you open for him.
He pulls his fingers out slowly and you whine. “Sorry, pretty.” He whispers mockingly against your clit before dipping down to lick at your pulsing entrance, smiling at the mewl you let out. He licks from bottom to top again, slightly flicking at your clit when he comes up and he knows it’s too much when your body convulses and you sound like you’re crying. You’re not pushing him away though, which gives him hope. He gently circles your clit, tongue relaxed now; languid and he feels your legs spread again. “Yeah? Want more gentle?” He coos as his eyes look up and he can see your perky tits moving up and down with your breathing. He trails a hand up your body, squeezing greedily around one of your perky mounds and he moans at the feeling of your stiff nipple against his palm.
“I’m too sensitive.” You sigh and bring a hand above his, squeezing around your own tit with him as you raise on your elbows again.
“You can give me one more, though, right?” His eyes staring into yours, hopeful.
“I think so.” You nod, eyebrows furrowing slightly at the overstimulation and your breathing comes out harsh. “I’m still turned on.” You admit shyly, biting down on your bottom lip as you push his fringe away from his damp forehead.
“Such a good girl.” He says dreamily and his tongue gently circles your clit again, wet hand pressing against the back of your thigh to keep you spread out for him.
Only after you come again on his tongue, does he stop, moving to kiss on your inner thigh, sucking on the supple skin there, leaving a wet patch behind along with a subtle mark. He leans over you again, taking in the sight under him. Your breathing slowing down as you look up at him, your hair fanned around you and your eyes blinking slowly. You look beautifully and utterly fucked out and so angelic. His heart swells when you reach up, pulling him close to you and he gives in right away, dropping down, resting his weight on you carefully He kisses you slowly, pushing his tongue past your parted lips, moaning with you, knowing you can taste yourself.
“You’re hard again.” You whisper against his lips and he laughs, because of course he is.
“You are not making me cum in my pants again.” He scolds and kisses softly on your cheek as you snort a laugh, your arms wrapping around his shoulders, holding him close.
“Okay, I won’t.” You say with a smile, leaning in to kiss him again. He lets you.
—
“Do you guys have any, like, weird fetishes?” Jaemin asks randomly, interrupting your conversation with Ningning and almost causing you to choke on a fry.
“The fuck is wrong with you?” Haechan pipes up next to you, genuine concern laced in his tone, his hand stroking your back whilst you cough.
“Yeah, changing the subject from ‘I’m broke’, to that, is slightly worrying to say the least.” Ningning agrees but that doesn’t stop her from laughing. “Look, even Jeno is speechless.” She points at Jeno’s shocked expression and he snaps out of it, taking a sip from his coffee.
“I was just curious.” Jaemin shrugs as he explains. “I’ve been texting this girl and the other night it turned into sexting and she asked me if I’d be down to piss on her?”
“Oh wow,” Ningning is suddenly interested. “What did you say?” She asks and he eyes widen as she awaits his response. All eyes around the table are on Jaemin now and he’s clearly thrown off, struggling to find the right words.
“Wellllll-“
“Oh my god!” Renjun exclaims and covers his mouth with both hands. “Please tell me you didn’t actually do it.”
“No, of course not.” Jaemin defends himself quickly. “I haven’t even slept with her.” He steals a fry from your plate. “Yet.” He concludes with a smug smile.
“Okay, but, let’s say you do sleep with her and she asks you to piss on her.” Haechan interferes. “Would you?” He asks with an amused expression and Jaemin seems to be in deep thought.
“I mean, I wouldn’t be opposed to it but I’m pretty sure I’d get stage fright.” Says casually and stuffs a few more fries in his mouth. “Also, I don’t think I can pee when I’m hard.”
”Yeah, I was thinking that.” Jeno says with narrowed eyes. “It’s also a bit weird if you don’t know them that well or if it’s just a one-time thing, no?” He looks around, asking everyone.
“Yeah, true.” Renjun agrees. “Not that I’ve done it before, but, surely you do those kinds of things with someone you’re in a relationship with or at least someone you’ve been seeing and agreed to experiment with.” He looks at Jaemin. “But then again, you’re a different kind of breed.” Everyone laughs at that.
“That I am my friend.” Jaemin laughs darkly and leans over to kiss Renjun on the cheek. The latter pushes him away by shoving a hand against his face with a disgusted expression and you snort at the scene.
“The question is, where did you even meet this girl?” You ask with a wiggle of your eyebrows, not because you care, but because you find it amusing when Jaemin gets flustered.
His eyes meet yours now and he seems taken aback before he puts on his cheeky grin again. “Oh, I have a better question, miss thing.” His voice laced with nothing but mischief and you’re now scared. “Would you let Haechan piss on you if he asked?” There it is.
“And I ask again.” Haechan saves you momentarily. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” His voice is calm but there’s definitely an edge to it, a warning even. He doesn’t move from his position next to you. An arm lazily resting on the back of your chair, the warmth certainly comforting on your shoulders. You instinctively lean into him, resting a hand on his thigh and his knuckles rub against your arm soothingly. Your eyes meet Ningning’s who’s watching the whole interaction smiling and you try to contain your own smile.
“What? It’s a good question, no?” Jaemin says with a shrug and you roll your eyes.
“Jaemin, I don’t know about you, but I don’t really talk about golden showers at least until after the fifth date.” You say sarcastically and Jeno snorts trying to hold in a laugh. “And that’s besides the point. You asked if we have any fetishes so I think we should all share one.”
Jaemin smirks and points a finger at you playfully. “I knew you could match my freak.” He says, giggling like a schoolgirl and Haechan’s arm around your shoulders tightens, the act unnoticeable to everyone else but not to you. Your fingers resting on his thigh, tense slightly trying to get his attention as you turn to look at his face and you can’t help but notice the frown on his face while he’s looking at Jaemin. He’s jealous and it’s obvious and you can’t help the warm fuzzy feeling spreading in your belly. When he looks down at you, his expression softens and you feel his arm relax around you. You give him a smile, which he instantly returns. You’re definitely bringing this up later.
“Take your freak elsewhere please.” Renjun says with sass, earning a few laughs around the table.
“Ugh fine, I’ll start.” Ningning says and all eyes snap towards her. “I’m not opposed to some toe sucking. There you go. Thank you. Let’s move on.” Your laugh is loud and you wish Chenle didn’t have basketball training so he could witness this shit show.
”Alright, I like sucking on toes.” Jeno confesses and you bury your face in your hand leaning into Haechan’s shoulder to conceal your laugh. You feel him chuckle in your hair as he wraps his arm around you properly and you love the heat radiating off him so much that you wish you could stay there for the rest of the day.
“Next!” Ningning says exasperatedly, sending Jeno daggers across the table. It wasn’t even his turn but you respect his efforts. Not a lot of men have managed to get Ningning this flustered before and it actually makes you wonder if any toe sucking took place that night they supposedly only cuddled. You make a mental note that this might also be worth bringing up earlier.
It’s Renjun’s turn and he seems to be in deep thought. “I honestly can’t think of anything, I think I’m pretty vanilla.”
“Surely there’s something, it doesn’t have to be hardcore.” Haechan butts in.
“I guess choking?” Renjun’s ears have turned red now and you almost feel bad, because out of everyone around this table, he’s the one that deserves to be embarrassed the least.
“Ooooh erotic asphyxiation!” Jaemin says feigning a seductive tone. “Okay, so, I may or may not like butt stuff.”
Everyone’s eyes widen at the confession.
“As in your butt or the other person’s?” Jeno asks curiously. Jaemin only responds by wiggling his eyebrows and Jeno gasps dramatically.
“As in you’ve had a finger up y-“
“Moving on!” Jaemin exclaims loudly, interruptinh Ningning. "Your turn, lover boy." He gestures at Haechan to continue as Jeno’s mouth is still open in shock.
“Hmm.’ Haechan ponders, his fingers tapping on your shoulder absentmindedly as he thinks. For some reason, even though it’s not your turn to answer, you feel exposed, as though all your friends are watching you both, trying to gauge your reaction at his response. You try to maintain as neutral an expression as possible and you hope he says something you might have already guessed by the times you’ve been intimidate with him. “Maybe the risk of getting caught.” He finally admits and you’re definitely not shocked.
“That’s boring, everyone likes that.” Jaemin complains.
“Speak for yourself, sicko.” Renjun defends. “Some of us like total privacy.”
“Aww you really are vanilla.” Ningning pouts cutely and Renjun scoffs.
“Y/N?” Renjun says to divert the attention from him and you fear your ears might be as red as his now. Everyone is watching you, including Haechan and you’re starting to regret suggesting this in the first place.
“Just say it, no one is going to judge.” Jeno encourages and you want to bury your face in Haechan’s shoulder again.
“Maybe Haechan should try and guess.” Renjun suggests and now you feel like you've underestimated him.
“Oh yes!” Jaemin quickly agrees excitedly, clapping his hands. “Okay, how about he whispers it to you and if he gets it right, he then has to say it out loud.”
“What if he gets it wrong?” You ask and Haechan scoffs next to you.
“He seems pretty confident.” Ningning says, pointing at Haechan’s face and when you look up at him, he’s got a cocky smile plastered on his stupidly pretty face.
“Alright, Haechanie, make us proud.” Jaemin says while holding a hand to his chest and Haechan rolls his eyes at his friend.
“Okay,” He leans closer, cupping his hand around your ear to conceal his mouth from the group. “Spitting.” He whispers so that only you can hear and you feel lightheaded for a moment. When he retracts, he gently moves your hair behind your ear and when your eyes find his, he smirks. He’s got you all figured out and he knows it. Bastard. “So?” He asks patiently.
“Correct.” You say in defeat and everyone cheers a little too loudly around the table.
“So, what is it?” Jaemin asks excitedly.
“Can I?” Haechan asks, eyes still on you, ignoring his friend and you appreciate that he prioritises your comfort. You nod with a smile, giving him permission to say it out loud.
“Spitting.” He says again, out loud this time for all your friends to hear.
“That’s quite vague, no?” Jeno says. “Who’s spitting and where?”
You turn in his direction, throwing daggers at him, because there’s no way he’s trying to be a brat. “Oh, would you perhaps like a demonstration? I’ll happily spit in your cute little boba tea right now.” Your sweet tone, insincere and Haechan bursts out laughing, head thrown back, pretty neck on display but you push that thought to the back of your mind.
“Relax woman!” Jeno says with his hands raised in surrender. “No saliva in my drink please.” He takes his drink from the table and covers the top with a hand protectively.
“You can spit in mine.” Jaemin offers with hopeful eyes, holding up his drink in your direction and you groan at his crassness.
“Dude, you’re sick.” Renjun says with a shake of his head, judging his friend.
“No, I’m just versatile.” Jaemin defends with a pout. “No one’s spat in my drink before.”
“That you know of.” Haechan says with a feigned smile, voice laced with mild irritation.
“Right, well, I hate to ruin the fun, but I have class in fifteen minutes.” Ningning gets up, grabbing her bag and drink. “Bye losers.” She says with a sweet smile and starts walking towards the exit of the cafeteria.
“Wait!” Jeno’s voice is loud. “I’ll walk with you.” He gets up quickly, clumsily gathering his stuff before following after her like a puppy following his owner, without even looking back at the rest of you. You look at them walk away, already discussing something. You think they look cute together and you wonder what you and Haechan look like to other people.
“Someone’s toes are definitely getting sucked later.” Jaemin says and you can’t help but laugh at his silly joke.
Haechan turns to you with a sweet smile. “Are you done with classes for the day?” He asks quietly, leaning his body closer to you and you smile at how comfortable he already acts around you, not caring that his friends are still there.
“Mm-hmm.” You confirm with a nod, sitting up to stretch your limbs and once you get comfortable, you sink back into your chair, leaning into his warmth as he wraps his arm around your shoulders again, like it belongs there. “You working this evening?”
“Nah, I only need to go in Sunday this weekend.” He says happily and his other hand takes hold of yours, resting limply on his lap. “Wanna come over for dinner?” He asks carefully and your eyes fall on Jaemin and Renjun who are deep in conversation about what jobs Jaemin could look for to earn some extra cash. They’re paying no attention to you and Haechan.
“Dinner?” You ask with a hopeful smile and turn your head to look up at him, his pretty boba eyes already on you and he nods.
“Yeah, I could make us something, or we could get takeout.” His cheeks are now pink and you feel giddy at his flustered look. He looks so unbelievably cute and you get the urge to give him kiss, but you don’t. Not here.
“Sure, I’d like that.” Then you look at the two boys sat across the table.
“Everyone is out tonight, don’t worry.” He reassures you, reading your mind.
It’s not that you don’t like being around Haechan’s friends, they’re all lovely and have been nothing but nice to you, but you would appreciate some one-on-one time with him. It’s been exactly a week since your second date and even though you’ve seen him around campus since then, it’s always been with his or your friends around. On the other hand, you’re now realising that neither of you have been over at each other’s places and you feel the nerves as well as the excitement brewing in your stomach.
You’re aware that both you and Haechan are still navigating the nature of your relationship and even though you know that it’s too soon to tell where it’s going, you’re more than happy to see it through with him. You’re also aware that so far, you’ve both made very clear that when you’re left alone, it’s almost impossible to keep your hands off each other. And although, the last thing you want is to keep things between you at a superficial level, you can’t help but wonder what sex with him would feel like. And although, you want things to progress naturally, you have a feeling that if you go to his tonight, you might find out.
“You sure you don’t wanna go out with them?” You ask, checking that he’s not cancelling any important plans for you.
“I can’t think of anything worse than going to a frat house filled with a bunch of people I barely know, trust me.” He says with a laugh, his thumb stroking the back of your hand gently. “Plus, I feel like I haven’t properly seen you this week.”
“Aww you missed me?” You tease him, laughing at his reaction. His eyes roll and he tongues his cheek, trying to conceal his smile.
“Yeah, and what if I did?” He challenges, his eyes widening, his lips forming a cute pout.
“If you did,” You trail, leaning closer as you lower your voice, squeezing his hand in yours. “Then that’s great. Because the feeling might be mutual.” You reach up with your free hand to pinch his round cheek and before he has time to react you drop lean in, dropping a quick kiss on his cheek, before anyone sees. “I’d love to come over.” You say with a smile and poke the tiny dimple that’s appeared where you’ve just kissed him.
“Oh great, so you guys are fucking on our couch.” Jaemin ruins yet another moment and Haechan closes his eyes trying to compose himself. A thought pops into your head and you’re internally laughing at your own joke before even saying it.
”Now, why would we do that, when your bed is available tonight?” You say with a toothy grin and you’re sure Renjun’s loud laugh makes some heads turn, Haechan mimics his reaction, head thrown, hands clapping. “Do not test me Na Jaemin, I will break you.” You point a finger at him with a serious look.
“You two make a great match, it’s actually scary.” He says in what could be described as amazement or fear, gesturing between you and Haechan.
You wake up confused, looking around and seeing you’re not in the familiar space of your apartment and when you inhale deeply you realise you’re safe. Haechan’s familiar scent helps you relax again and when you move to stretch your legs, you feel a comforting weight on your back, stroking slowly. You nuzzle your face into Haechan’s neck, humming in delight as he pulls the fluffy blanket, which you assume he threw over your figures whilst you were asleep, up to your chin. “Hey, pretty.” He whispers in your ear, not wanting to startle you, his hand now in your hair, gently scratching your scalp and you purr in delight. “We fell asleep.” His tone still low, voice a little groggy, laced with sleep still.
”Mmm, what time is it?” You mumble sleepily in his neck and he shuffles around, careful not to move you from where you’re lying comfortably on him, grabbing his phone from the coffee table near the couch you’re both currently cocooned in. Your blink your eyes slowly, thankful that the only thing producing light in the living room area, is the tv screen. Shin-chan still playing on the screen from earlier but the volume is lowered. You assume you must’ve fallen asleep mid cuddling, after dinner. You remember telling him about this crime documentary you watched with Ningning a few nights ago and how you couldn’t sleep after. You also remember him saying that you should’ve called him so he could take your mind off it, and you remember wondering if he really meant that or if he was just being nice.
“It’s almost nine.” He says quietly after unlocking his phone. “We slept for like two hours.” He yawns cutely while checking any missed notifications and you can see from the corner of your eye, he quickly replies to a message from Jeno. “Seems like Jen convinced Ningning to come out.” He announces with a snort and your ears perk at that, your head slightly raising to look at him in question and he shows you the selfie he’s received from a visibly drunk Jeno, who’s got an arm wrapped around your friend’s shoulders, who’s sticking her tongue out, also visibly drunk.
“Fuck's sake.” Your head drops on his shoulder again, groaning. “She’s gonna be hungover tomorrow.” You whine and Haechan lets out a laugh, holding you tightly against him, his arm wrapping around your middle, your hand resting on his chest and you close your eyes, allowing the cosiness to engulf you.
“It’s fine, I’m sure he’ll look after her.” He places his phone back on the coffee table and wraps his other arm around you, squeezing you like a teddy bear, with a sigh. “Bet my left nut, he’s staying at yours again tonight.” He jokes and you snort at his choice of words.
“Why the left one specifically?”
“I’m right-handed so I thought I’d keep the right one.”
“I’m sure you’ll get to keep both anyway; he’s definitely going home with her.” You agree with his point and tap your hand lightly on his chest, while resting your chin on it to look up at his pretty face. His eyes are closed now and he looks so relaxed, you can’t help but wonder if he’s enjoying the cuddling session as much as you are, but you also don’t want to assume he wants you to stay over. “I can go home, if you wanna go to bed. It’s getting late.”
His eyes open the moment he seems to have registered your words and he looks down at you. “Or you could stay?” He suggests with hopeful eyes, gauging your reaction. “I have a spare toothbrush, and you can wear something of mine.” He can definitely tell you’re contemplating. “No pressure of course, I get if you wanna be in your own bed.” His fingers comb through your hair soothingly and you close your eyes momentarily.
"Hmm." You ponder with a smile, letting your hand trail up his chest, fingers absentmindedly stroking along his jaw, feeling the scratch of the light stubble adorning his chin and he tilts his head, leaning into the touch. “I'm sure I won't miss my bed that much.”
_
After you’ve both brushed your teeth and you’ve changed into a comfortable T-shirt of his that comes down to your thighs, you’re ready for bed and when you walk into his room, he’s already turned the main light off and left the bedside lamp on. He’s lying comfortably under the white covers, back against the headboard while he’s lazily scrolling through his phone. You place your clothes on his desk chair and walk over to the side he’s not occupying, noticing your own phone is placed on the bedside table next to him, plugged in and screen down. You smile at the thoughtful gesture and slowly lift the duvet to get under, instinctively shuffling closer to his side of the bed when he stretches out his arm for you and you place your head on his chest, resembling the position you were in earlier on the couch. His bedsheets are cold and you tangle a leg with his, wiggling your toes against his skin to warm them up, making him flinch and you giggle quietly. “Sorry.”
He places his phone down, next to yours and moves to get comfortable against the pillows while holding onto your shoulders, bringing you down with him. He maneuvers you so you’re both on your sides facing each other and his arm is still slotted under you, between your head and your shoulder, while yours lazily drapes over his waist. He cups your jaw, gently rubbing his thumb against your skin and when he kisses your forehead gingerly, your eyes close momentarily while your arm tightens around his middle, pulling yourself closer so your chest is touching his. It feels domestic and so comfortable, like you’ve shared a bed with him a million times before. “You comfy?” He whispers and you nod, the tip of your nose rubbing against his in the process. You see the corners of his lips lifting into a smile that probably mirrors yours. “Are you sleepy?” He murmurs against your lips and you smirk, knowing he’s testing the waters now. His fingers are in your hair and his thigh is resting between your legs, so close to your aching centre that you’re worried he can feel you throbbing through your underwear.
“Not really.” You breathe against his lips, your hand on his back slipping under the hem of his t-shirt and you feel him shiver when you trail your fingers up, your nails lightly scratching, feeling the goosebumps on his warm skin. “You?” Your breath hitches when his thumb traces your bottom lip, dragging it down and your eyes travel to his heart shaped lips. You instantly wish they were on yours, but you want to let him go at his own pace.
“What do you think?” He asks rhetorically and you breathe out a laugh, biting down on your bottom lip when his thumb moves to stroke the apple of your cheek.
“I think,” you pause, lightly dragging your nails down his back, earning a whimper from him. “I’m not really thinking actually.” You confess as your hand travels to his front, fiddling with the strings of his shorts, your fingers catching the elastic band of his shorts and letting it snap against his lower abdomen, earning a gasp from him, which hits your eager lips.
“Dumb already?” He attempts to tease and the smile dies on his lips, jaw dropping when your hand dips into his slacks and past his underwear, to wrap firmly around him. His eyes close when your thumb rubs under the head and you relish in the fact that he’s almost fully hard. He feels velvet smooth against your palm, thick enough to make you think it will probably sting when he enters you for the first time, slightly curved upwards, length perfect for hitting that sweet spot in your walls. You feel yourself getting wet at the thought and your breathing stutters when his thigh makes contact with your pussy, your hips instantly pushing forward, chasing the stimulating feeling. “Mm fu-“
His lips are finally yours, interrupting you and you moan against his mouth in relief, kissing him back like you were made for it. You can’t help but think of that night in the noraebang room; how these very lips completely and utterly ruined you for anyone else. How they devoured you like no one else has before and probably like no one ever will.
Without breaking the kiss, you push him gently and he rolls onto his back dragging you with him so you can straddle him. He buries his fingers into your hair, deepening the kiss, his tongue gliding against yours and you moan at the taste of him; toothpaste and something uniquely him. Your hands take hold of his, dragging them down your figure and you stop to rest them on your ass, smiling in the kiss when he instantly kneads and pulls at the plush skin. You allow him to lick into your mouth one more time, before breaking the kiss to sit up and take in his dazed expression. Eyes hooded, lips wet and swollen and so irresistible, you feel helpless. Before he can complain, you drop your hands to the hem of the shirt that he let you borrow and slowly start dragging it up your skin, until it’s off you and on the floor.
“Fuck.” He exhales heavily, the second your tits are free and his hand comes up caressing from your hip up to your ribs until he reaches the underside of your boob and he gently cups the underside, feeling the weight of it in his hand. “You’re fucking unreal.” He whispers and licks his lips before sitting up and wrapping his other arm securely around your waist. His forehead rests against your chest for a moment, inhaling deeply, almost as if he needs a minute to compose himself while still squeezing your boob in his hand and you let him, threading your fingers through his hair to offer some comfort. His warm breath caresses your nipple and your shiver, the skin around the nub pebbling against his palm and you whine at the sensitivity, pulling at his hair to guide him closer to where you want him. He gets the message and he kisses across your sternum, his tongue coming out to make contact with your skin before it circles around your areola slowly, teasing you. The pads of his fingers digging into the skin of your boob, squeezing as he sucks the nipple into his mouth and he moans when you whine. He starts flicking his tongue, driving you close to insanity and the wetness in your underwear feels almost unbearable now, but you have other priorities.
“Hae?” You call out into his hair as he’s still sucking and licking and he hums, indicating that he’s listening, as he scatters more kisses across your chest, moving to wrap his lips around your other nipple. “I wanna suck you off.” You say quickly, before allowing the shyness to infiltrate your brain and he instantly releases the nub, with a wet pop, so he can look up at your face with wide eyes. His mouth is ajar and his lips swollen and wet with his spit. He looks fucked out like this, hair messy and you love it, because you’re the sole reason. You cup his face and he absentmindedly squeezes both your tits in his hands, pushing them together, his eyes not leaving yours.
“Yeah, baby?” He leans up and kisses you softly. “Wanna make me feel good?” He mumbles seductively against your mouth, and you don’t even think before quickly nodding.
“Mm please.” You say in a whiny voice, playing along with him, as you pull at the fabric of his top and his hands move to pull at the collar, swiftly removing it. Your hands drag down his naked chest, pushing him to lie against the headboard, continuing their journey down his body, until they reach his shorts. You don’t waste any time, pulling his boxers along with them and he spreads his legs when he’s completely naked, for you to kneel in between them. His hand wraps around his hard cock, resting on his tummy and he whimpers at the needed friction while his eyes are on yours.
“Tongue out, keep your eyes on me.” He says softly and you clench around nothing, your panties a mess by now, you have to refrain from cringing at the feeling. You instantly obey, leaning closer and sticking your tongue out, millimetres away from where he wants it. He gently taps the head against the centre of your awaiting wet muscle and you moan, fighting to keep your eyes on his, the act feeling intensely intimate. “Suck, baby.” He says, his voice still gentle but more authoritative than before. You wrap your lips around the head and suck softly, tasting his precum and you can’t help when your eyes close at the taste and weight of him in your mouth. You pull back slightly, swirling your tongue around him and flicking at the underside, causing him to grunt. “Fuck, pretty girl, you’re so good to me, aren’t you.” He says, with a shaky voice in his state of vulnerability, and you moan at the praise as you slap his hand away, replacing it with your own, wrapping your smaller fingers around his thick length and he lets you. You start to move your hand up and down, pumping him at a quick pace while sucking around the tip again, tongue dipping gently in his slit and when his hips buck up, wanting you to take him deeper, you place a hand on his hip as a warning and he grunts. "Fuck baby, please."
You gather a good amount of saliva in your mouth and when you look up to make sure he's watching you, you let it drip down slowly, watching as it coats his cock and travels down to his balls. You smile when his eyes roll back and you lick from base to top teasingly, surprising him when you take him as deep as you can, with your hand wrapped tightly around the base. You moan when he reaches the back of your throat, swallowing around him with purpose and you pull back up when you start to gag. Your hand follows your mouth as you slowly start to move your head up and down, trying to give him as much pleasure as you can and you know you're doing a good job when his hands curl in your hair, gathering the strands into a messy ponytail and his moans turn into whines. This time, when his hips start moving, you allow him to fuck up into you, having gotten used to the feeling of him in your throat. You slacken your jaw, moving your hand from the base to his thigh, and he moans louder when you allow him to go deeper than before. You feel your eyes water and you know you're slobbering around him, making a complete mess as saliva drips from the corners of your mouth, gathering at the base of his cock and balls. Your hand comes up to cup them, rolling gently and he abruptly pulls your mouth off him with a loud groan. You look at the thick string of spit mixed with his precum that’s connecting your lips with his tip as you gasp for air and then your teary eyes travel up to meet his wild ones. He looks conflicted and his grip on your hair feels tight. "What's wrong?" You ask, your voice comes out hoarse and you feel like coughing to clear your throat, but you just swallow carefully.
He manages to laugh breathlessly at your confused expression, his breathing shallow and his lips bright pink from all the biting. "I was about to cum." He explains and grabs you by the arms to pull you up.
"Ain't that the point?" You say as you straddle him again and wipe your mouth with the back of your hand, some of the drool smearing on your chin and you internally cringe at the wetness, but his eyes on your mouth tell you he thinks otherwise.
"Not if you want me to fuck you, no." Your heart jumps at his words and the look on your face must betray you, because he’s smirking. "Unless you don't." He teases, caressing your thighs as you place both hands on his naked chest, your pinky rubbing against his nipple and you giggle when his shudders.
"No, I do." You confess as you lean down to kiss him but he quickly sits up, meeting you halfway as he wraps his arms around you, maneuvering you onto your back swiftly and you feel yourself bounce on the mattress when he drops you. He kneels between your legs and without warning, he starts pulling your panties off you. You eagerly raise your hips to help him, bringing your bent legs together, so the fabric doesn't stretch.
Once the lace lands somewhere on the floor, you see his lips curling into a smile as he bites on the bottom one when you mindlessly spread your legs for him again, inviting him to settle between them. He moves closer, dragging his knees on the mattress as his hands take purchase on your hips.
"Scoot up a bit for me?" He asks sweetly and he helps you move up the bed, so your head rests comfortably on the fluffy pillows, and you feel the butterflies in your stomach causing havoc with no permission, your heart thudding like crazy as your eyes find his and fuck holding back now. You just want him to ruin you.
You pull at his silver chain, your other hand grabbing the back of his neck and he grunts the second your lips crash, all tongue and teeth with no coordination. You tilt your head to the side to get more access and the wet sound of kissing fills the room. Your clit is throbbing and you desperately need him to do something. Anything. "Please, I'm so wet." You whine against his lips and he moans at your neediness, grinding into your centre. His cock sliding between your folds, the head bumping into your neglected clit and your hips raise searching more friction. He leans back on his heels and hunches over you, one hand splayed on your tummy, the other wrapping around his dick as he taps the head against your clit and your legs spread completely, giving him full access as you squeeze around your own tits, needing to hold onto something. Your eyes roll back when he starts firmly rubbing the swollen nub, flicking from side to side and you feel like you're about to combust, your back arching off the bed as you moan loudly.
You open your eyes the second the friction comes to a halt, and the complaint dies in your mouth when you're met with the sinful sight of him coating two of his fingers in spit before they disappear between your legs and into your needy hole. "Shit, baby." He says in awe when they easily slide into you and your jaw drops at the fullness, your eyes threatening to shut from the pleasure, but you refuse to stop looking at him. His arm muscles are flexing when he starts fucking you open, instantly finding that sensitive spot inside you that drives you insane, his other hand still, possessively pressing down on your lower abdomen to hold you in place, his hair matted on his damp forehead, his eyes on your dripping centre, bottom lip trapped between his teeth in concentration. He looks so hot, you could come just from looking at him and when his thumb comes into the equation, rubbing merciless circles around your clit, you feel yourself getting tighter.
“You gonna cum?” He asks in a whisper, his eyes meeting yours momentarily and you nod quickly, eyebrows creasing at the intense pressure in your belly.
"Uh-huh, don’t stop." You respond in a high pitched plea and his pace quickens, creating the filthiest squelching noises around his hand and your eyes close, half in ecstasy half in embarrassment. "Oh my god." Your fingers knead your tits harder when you're on the edge and a moan from him is what topples you over. "Fuck, I'm cumming." Your pussy feels like it's on fire as your walls spasm, your clit throbs like it's about to fall off and your legs can't stop shaking. His fingers are fucking into you so hard and fast, that it feels like it slightly hurts but it feels so good at the same time. Too good. You feel like you're on the verge of peeing and your voice comes out in a broken squeal. "Shit, ah, stop stop stop!" Your hand grabs his wrist in a desperate state and he looks up at your face with widened eyes, like he's come out of a trance. He stops his ministrations but keeps his fingers buried inside you.
"Fuck, baby, I'm sorry." The hand on your stomach, moving to your ribs, caressing gently. "Did I hurt you? I thought you were gonna squirt for a second so I kept going, I'm really sorry." His pupils are shaking as he explains quickly, taking in your sweaty, disheveled form and you feel so exposed that you make grabby hands at him, wanting him close. He instantly moves, supporting his weight on one arm, careful not to crash you and you sigh when you feel his chest against yours, warm and damp.
"It didn't hurt." You assure him, cupping his cheeks in your hands and he closes his eyes, sighing in relief. "I just felt like I was gonna pee." You confess bashfully and he chuckles, burying his face in your neck, inhaling deeply as you run your fingers through his hair. "I've never squirted before, so I freaked out a bit." You explain quietly. "Plus, I don't wanna ruin your bed sheets before we even get to the sex part."
He snorts and raises his head to look at you again. "Pretty sure they're already ruined." He says giving you a kiss on the cheek and you move to playfully push him off you, but a gasp escapes you when you feel his fingers slightly move, reminding you they're still buried inside your sensitive walls. "Unclench a little, you're too tight." He whispers and when he kisses you, you slowly relax your walls around his digits, allowing him to carefully pull out and you whine at the loss, making him smile in the kiss. His hand cups your sensitive core, making you mewl at the comforting warmth. "You sure you still wanna keep going? We don't have to if you're feeling sore."
"I'm fine." You wrap your legs around his waist, holding him close. “Want you.” You whisper, arms sliding up his chest, coming to wrap around his neck as you once again bring your lips to his, urging him to kiss you stupid. And he does. It’s slow, steady, passionate and you feel like mush in his arms, numb to the core, your lips moving in sync with his, taking what he’s giving you. You exhale heavily through your nose, refusing to break the kiss and you moan when he obscenely shoves his tongue into your mouth, licking messily and the conversation from earlier enters your mind suddenly. “Mm- I want mmf-” He interrupts you with another messy kiss before pulling away, allowing you to speak.
“You want what?” He asks quietly, lips still grazing yours as he catches his breath. Your eyes are on his glistening mouth, and he must sense your hesitation, because he presses again, hand caressing up and down your thigh in encouragement. “Tell me, baby, I’ll give you anything you want.”
“Remember what we talked about earlier?” You try, too shy to actually say the words.
“Earlier?” His eyebrows furrow in thought, not catching on straight away.
“At the café.” You whisper, your eyes drop to his mouth again, slightly hinting and when they find his again, you know he’s caught on.
“You- fuck.” He falters when your hips slightly raise, the tip of his cock catching at your entrance momentarily before sliding between your folds. “You want me to spit in your mouth?” He asks carefully, after having somewhat collected himself, both arms coming up, trapping your head between them as he rests his weight on them. You nod, holding eye contact, hands traveling down his abdomen, fingers tracing his sides before trailing up his spine, bracing once having reached his shoulders, palms resting on his shoulder blades. “You fucking minx.” His hand cups your face, fingers lightly squishing your cheeks, forcing your lips to pucker as he leans in to press a chaste kiss on them. His index taps against your cheek gently, as his hold on your face loosens. “Open up.” He instructs, his voice low, eyes darkening and you feel your cunt fluttering around nothing. “Tongue out.” His fingers lightly shake your face from side to side possessively and your brain stops functioning, tongue sticking out as if on demand and you whine when you watch him gather saliva in his mouth, cheeks hollowing a little, before slowly letting it dribble down your awaiting muscle. Your eyes rolls back and your fingernails instinctively dig into his shoulders. “Swallow.” He instructs again, and you obey with a desperate moan revelling in his dominant demeanour. His hand wraps around your throat, feeling the movement and he kisses you again, grunting against your lips, as you struggle to keep up with him, jaw widening to take his tongue in and you feel the wetness smearing on your chin messily.
You realise no one has ever kissed you like Haechan, and you wonder if he’s always kissing his sexual partners like this. Has anyone else experienced this level of intimacy with him before? You instantly feel the jealousy brewing at the thought of someone receiving this kind of affection; this kind of pleasure from him and you surprise yourself, never having felt this possessive over someone before. Something switches in you.
“Fuck me.” You breathlessly mumble instead, and he moans in your mouth as your hand reaches down, wrapping around his cock, smearing the shiny drops of precum adorning his tip. His hips thrust forward into your touch and you pump him steadily a couple times, offering some sort of relief.
He pulls away slightly, to look at you. “Let me grab a condom.” He says quickly before grabbing your ankles, unwrapping them from his waist.
“Right, yes.” You nod dumbly, feeling a little silly for having lost all sensibility because of him.
You watch him as reaches blindly in the bedside table drawer; his eyebrows furrowing in concentration and his face lights up the second he finds one. You watch him as he sits back on his heels, ripping the foil with his teeth. You watch him as he rolls the latex carefully onto his hard cock, teeth sinking in his bottom lip as he pumps himself a few times, ensuring the condom is on properly, chest moving as he breathes heavily. You watch him as he moves closer, coating two fingers in saliva and bringing them down to your slit again, rubbing up and down slowly before dipping them in and quickly pumping them to prep you, even if you really don’t need it. You let him though, because you want to keep watching him for a little longer. He looks ethereal with his messy fringe stuck to his sweaty forehead, his shoulders wide, his chest and arm muscles lean, bicep flexing subtly as he expertly slides his fingers in and out, scissoring them to stretch you for him. He looks like the epitome of sex and you can’t even bring yourself to moan as his palm rubs against your sensitive clit, your jaw dropping with a quiet, trembling breath when he starts jabbing at your already abused g-spot and your hands release the sheets in favour of holding your legs open, when they threaten to close.
“Think I’m gonna cum again.” You mumble in awe, eyes staying on him still.
“You think?” He asks, voice laced with sarcasm, pace quickening, urging you to unravel around his fingers for the second time tonight. “Go on, baby.” His free hand, presses against the back of your thigh, pushing your leg close to your chest, testing your flexibility and the second his eyes meet yours, you cum. Hard. “Yeah, good girl.” He praises softly and you let out a whine, allowing your eyes to finally shut, not being able to handle his intense stare, your back arching as your fingers clench around the sheets, legs uncontrollably shaking, walls clenching repeatedly around his hand, clit pulsing against the heel of his palm as he helps you ride out your orgasm.
He starts kissing up your trembling body, lips wet, tongue lapping up your sweaty skin and he doesn’t even give you the chance to catch your breath when he harshly sucks your nipple in his warm mouth as his fingers leave your heat to wrap around his hard cock, rubbing the head up and down your soaked cunt. Your hands come up to grab onto his hair, as you attempt to anchor yourself and you can’t help but moan loudly when he pushes in. And even though it’s only the tip, it’s enough to drive you close to insanity.
“Fuck!” You exclaim, forcing his head up so you can kiss him as he slowly bottoms out, distracting yourself from the stinging sensation.
You both moan when his pelvis meets yours, his pubic bone flush against your hypersensitive clit as he gives you a second to adjust. He slowly pulls out to the tip and thrusts back in, maintaining the slow, careful pace to make sure you’re feeling comfortable
“Relax for me.” He exhales a shaky laugh against your lips and you squeeze even harder to tease him. “Fuck! Baby, what the f- don’t.” He warns with a grunt as he wraps an authoritative hand around your neck and draws his hips back a little, before slamming back in with force, not a second later.
The loud noise that escapes your throat resembles a scream and your eyes roll back when he starts fucking into you hard and fast, wet slapping sounds echoing and you almost feel embarrassed at hearing how wet you are, but the intense pleasure takes over your senses, completely clouding any coherent thought.
“Not so bratty now, are we?” He grunts against your jaw as the hand around your neck tightens slightly, causing your ears to start ringing and your eyes to water. He releases you just when you start feeling dizzy, allowing you to catch your breath. He lets out a dark laugh at your loud gasps and buries his hand in your hair instead, pulling at the roots, so your head lolls back on the pillows, giving him access to your neck.
“So fucking wet ff-fuck, so good.” He slurs between sloppy kisses against your sensitive skin as his hips slow down, fucking you nice and deep at a lazy pace, torturing you. “You take me so well, baby.” His crude words causing you to clench around him as his tongue laps from the base of your neck, up to your ear, flicking the lobe playfully.
“Look.” He whispers, moist breath tickling your ear as the hand fisting you hair, forces your head forward and off the pillow, making you look down between your bodies and you obediently open you eyes. You take in the unholy visual of his cock slowly dragging out to the tip, coated in your shiny slick essence, a ring of white forming at the base and your eyes threaten to roll back when he so easily slides back in, at the same torturous pace. “See how perfect you are?”
Your nails drag down his back, leaving scratch marks behind and he hums against your neck when they dig into the flesh of his ass. “Faster, please.” You breathe out and he loosens his hold, allowing your head to tip back down, his eyes finding yours as he maintains the slow pace.
"You sure, baby?" His tone mocking as he sits back up on his knees, looking down at your messy cunt practically sucking him back in every time he slowly pulls out. You reel at the sight of his feral expression, his eyes unfocused as they trail up and down your naked body, like he can’t decide what to focus on. You feel exposed to the core but your arousal wins and you moan loudly, back arching when his thumb slowly circles around your clit twice, stimulating the stiff nub.
"Hae, please." You're on the verge of tears and he must like the sound of your begging, because he doesn’t hesitate this time. He leans down again, bringing his lips to yours, thrusts increasing in pace and force significantly but never losing preciseness, giving you exactly what you want. “Yes, oh my god.” You exhale against his mouth, as he changes the angle slightly and starts fucking directly into your g-spot, barely pulling out before thrusting back in, his balls slapping against your ass and you’re pretty sure you’ve never been fucked this good before. “Fuck, Haechan, please please please, don’t stop.” You beg, completely lost in mind numbing bliss, your spread legs as far as they can go, giving him full access to thrust as deep as he can. He groans, kisses turning sloppy, all tongue and teeth and you can’t stop moaning, mouth hanging open against his.
“Fuck, baby, I need you to cum.” He whispers, tone laced with urgency, almost sounding like he’s in pain and he wastes no time; a hand slotting between your bodies, resuming the stimulation on your clit, as he supports his weight on one arm, thrusts unfaltering, unforgiving and just perfect. His fingers start rubbing rough, tight circles around the nub and your toes curl against his sides, arms securely wrapping around his shoulders, as your walls squeeze around him, indicating another orgasm, and when his fingers along with the head of his cock rub against the right spot, you’re gone. Your moan comes out broken, walls clamping down on him, legs pathetically attempting to close around him but failing as your thighs shake violently and you feel dizzy, a tear rolling down your temple from the intensity of your high.
He keeps fucking you into the mattress, thrusts turning a little sloppy now that you're squeezing around him, hips losing their steady rhythm and when the pleasure borders overstimulation, causing you to mewl, he abruptly pulls out, kneeling between your legs and over your spent body. He pulls the condom off quickly with trembling fingers and he moans as he starts jerking himself off, aiming for your abdomen as his free hand curls around your ribs, holding you exactly where he wants you.
“You look so good.” You exhale in awe as you observe him in the midst of his pleasure, his eyes shut, head thrown back revealing the column of his pretty neck as he moans loudly and his hooded eyes find yours again for a second before they roll back into his head.
“Shit, I’m cumming.” He shakily announces, your praise seeming to have worked wonders, as you feel the first spurts of hot liquid landing on your skin. You take in the beautiful sight of his shaking form, chest and neck flushed, drenched in sweat, eyebrows creasing in between, eyes still shut, jaw slack as he releases short breaths. He’s milking himself when you look down and you can’t help but ogle at the sight of your skin covered in the sticky white mess he’s created, illuminated by the bedside lamp. You notice some of it has landed on your tits, some on your tummy and you’re pretty sure there’s some pooling in the dip of your belly button, causing you to bite back a smile. “Fuck.” He breathes in relief as his eyes slowly open to look at you and he looks dazed, fucked out. His tan skin flushed, making him look delicious. Sweat drips down his temple, hands shaking as they rest on your thighs limply. “I think I blacked out for a second there.” He mutters in awe and you giggle at his crazy eyes, while he tries to regulate his breathing.
His cheeky smile has returned, and he leans in, taking a closer look at his work. “Damn, I did a number on you.” He teases, eyes narrowing slightly as he takes in the sinful sight. “Pretty.” He whispers and takes your limp hand in his, lips kissing gently on the back of it, eyes looking up at you innocently, like he didn’t just fuck you stupid.
When he drops your hand, he leans down with no warning and you panic at his mischievous expression, as his head disappears between your legs.
“What are you doing?” You ask in confusion and he chuckles softly.
“Shhh.” He breathes against your folds as his hands hold your legs open and the second his tongue makes contact with your heat, you squirm, trying to move further up the bed, but he tightens his arms around your thighs, holding you still. “Relax, just take it.” He whispers calmly before gently sucking on your clit. His tongue slides down to lap at your entrance, slightly dipping in, tasting you directly, before flattening and licking up to the bundle of nerves, making you mewl when he circles around it languidly. He keeps going, alternating between sucking, licking and gently circling until your legs are shaking again. Your hands release the sheets, moving to desperately hold onto his hair, fingers pulling, not knowing whether to push him away or pull him closer and his moan vibrates against your clit, pushing you over the edge once more. You cry out pathetically, not able to form any words, cumming hard against his tongue as he refuses to let up until your whole body shakes from overstimulation.
“Please, I- I can’t- can't cum again.” You stumble over your words, as he licks against your entrance, slurping up your juices, the sounds incriminating and you don’t even have the energy to push him away anymore. You just accept that if he tries to make you come again, you’ll probably pass out, but to your relief, he thankfully stops once he’s cleaned you up. Your eyes open when your feel his weight on you, chest flush against yours, his cum smearing between you, skin sticking on skin and he doesn’t seem have a care in the world. The only thing he does seems to care about is shoving his tongue in your mouth, forcing you to taste yourself, kissing you like he owns you and at this point, he might as well spell out his name on your body with his cum, because he has completely and utterly destroyed you and you know you’re irrevocably ruined for anyone else. And so, you kiss him back with the crumbs of energy you have left.
“So good for me, baby girl.” He mutters wetly, mouth open against yours, breathing heavy. “So fucking sweet.” He whispers almost inaudibly and you cup his chin in your hand, squishing his cheeks between your fingers, pecking against his puckered lips.
“You’re fucking insane, Lee Haechan.” You weakly chuckle as he tries to kiss you again, whining childishly as your firm hold on his face prevents him from doing so. “Get off me, before I piss in your bed, you freak. You’re pressing on my bladder.”
_
After having gently cleaned you up with a warm hand towel and carried you to the bathroom so you can sort yourself out, he’s got you back in his bed, safely cocooned in his arms and under the covers. His front is comfortably pressed against your back and you’re basking in the warmth and the nakedness.
“Now I’m definitely sleepy.” You mumble with a content smile and he quietly chuckles in your hair, tightening his arms around you, holding you as close as possible, sighing in delight.
“Mm same.” He mumbles sleepily against your neck. “You comfortable like this?” He checks, and you feel giddy at his attentiveness.
“Mm-hmm, more than.” You nuzzle back into him, lazily stroking your fingers up and down the arm that’s wrapped around your middle, his palm casually cupping your boob; not squeezing, just gently holding. You feel him smile as he presses a sweet kiss on your shoulder.
A few moments of comfortable silence pass, and just when you think his breathing has started to slow down, he quietly speaks again.
“Y/N?” He asks tentatively and his serious tone worries you.
“Yeah?” You attempt to turn your head to look at him, but his tight embrace holds you in place and you presume he needs to not be looking at you when he says his next words.
“I think-” He pauses, collecting his thoughts and you have a feeling you know what he’s trying to get at, so you give him time, hand still gently stroking his arm. “Are we on the same page here?”
“Depends.” You reply teasingly, the smile audible in your voice. “What page are you on?”
pairing: coworker & detective!jaemin x female reader ★ genre: fluff, coworkers to lovers, headcanon ★ contains: gentleman jaemin, down bad idiots in love, reader wears heart on her sleeve ★ wc: 2007 ★ a/n: i was watching something the other night and became obsessed with the idea of detective jaemin! hope you'll see the vision and agree with me because i need to talk to you babies about this jaemin!!!! so hot so nibble worthy im about to eat drywall and howl to the moon </3 a part 2 to this isn't excluded if it's something we all end up wanting <3
detective!jaemin who's a young, promising detective! he got his shield after successfully closing one of the longest and most haunting cases his precinct has ever worked on.
detective!jaemin who is loved by all coworkers. he started as an officer in vice and got transferred when he found important evidence that were key to an ongoing case in homicide.
detective!jaemin who becomes your partner as soon as you move to the homicide department. promoted by internal affairs, you leave the narcotics department already holding a detective shield.
detective!jaemin whose hair is always styled perfectly. even after being caught in the pouring rain his hair stays perfect — so perfect and luscious that it seems almost like it's inviting you to touch the styled strands.
detective!jaemin who's a complete gentleman. always runs when you're chasing someone, telling you to take the shortcut and meet him at the end of the road. always drives his car during surveillance, treating you like his passenger princess.
detective!jaemin who's a great driver. you've never felt safer in a car with a man before jaemin. even during a chace you're still so safe in your passenger seat. every time he brakes he extends an arm towards your figure, basically trying to stop your torso from moving forward in any dangerous motion from the violent halting of his car, even if there's a seatbelt already securing your body.
detective!jaemin who's also a great cook. if you're pulling surveillance, he brings you your own packed lunch, complete with side dishes and dessert.
"i have a surprise for you," he smirks at you, watching as you bring your plastic fork full of cucumbers to your lips. jaemin looks at the way your eyes literally sparkle in the dim lighting of the street lights as you seat next to him in his car, tupperwares sitting on your knees, both of you holding another tupperware in one hand and actively eating from it like you haven't eaten in a week.
but you can never say no to his meals. he's a great cook, and for some reason it seems like he cooks everything you love, using ingredients you love. your tastes are so alike, including your coffee order or the greasy burger with extra pickles and cocoa milkshake you have at your favourite drive thru on the other side of town. it's honestly starting to seem suspicious.
you move a bit in your seat, swallowing your bite before speaking, "dessert?" you ask in disbelief. you knew dessert wasn't something he made frequently, not with the amount of work you two had lately. you're already so grateful he still finds the time to cook, but also because he always thinks about you and brings you something as well.
"mmhhh," he hums, tone too raw and low not to send some goosebumps down your spine for some reason.
you look at the way his jaw is perfectly lit in the glimmer of the streetlights and headlights from cars passing by. it's sharp, sturdy, beautiful. you almost want to touch it, trace it with the tip of your index, yet you refrain.
this isn't your first time thinking about tracing a finger along his jaw. every time he pulls up by your desk, holding a report that needs signing, or just him plopping down on the chair in your proximity makes your gaze fall on his beautiful, velvety skin, perfect face structure.
and now you look at how he turns in his seat, extending an arm behind your seat, giving you a proper view of his beautiful features as he stretches to reach for the surprise he hinted at.
long, black lashes adorning his sweet eyes, perfect slope of his nose matching the plump lips and full eyebrows adorning his face. he's so handsome, beautiful even. it's almost not fair for a man to possess such beauty.
"i thought the cinnamon buns we got the other day were shit," he explains, pulling another tupperware and holding it between the two of you. "so i made you some,"
you feel like cheesing, so you bite your bottom lip. but your eyes speak to jaemin more than he'd like to admit. it's the way they sparkle, the way they almost shake with excitement and the way you bat your eyelashes at him like you're trying your best to mask everything you're feeling right now.
but jaemin knows you. he knows when you're tired, he knows when you're frustrated, he knows when and if he needs to shut up because you're going to make him the victim of your wrath even if it isn't his fault. all this by your beautiful eyes only.
"what?" he whines, because he can see the way you're trying to remain composed.
you give him a grin, moving excitedly in your seat to look at him, yet still attentive not to spill your dinner on yourself or the inside of jaemin's car. "you made some for me? because i didn't like the ones we had the other day?"
he's no fool. he knows his worth, he knows when someone's playing with him, he likes to believe his detective skills are so great that he can manipulate people and situations in his favour. but jaemin never considered being paired with you as his partner. and he became a fool for you — but you don't need to know this yet.
he rolls his eyes at you, almost as if bothered by your enthusiasm — but he's secretly loving it, and the praise and attention you're showering him with. he's loving how you're letting him feed you, because frankly speaking, he knows you're too stressed to even remember to take a sip of water sometimes. he's glad you're allowing him to be this close to you.
you set the dinner aside, enthusiastically snatching the cinnamon buns away from his grasp, sinking your teeth into the delicious goodness that sparks fireworks on your tastebuds.
"are you getting paid enough as a detective?" you almost moan, "wanna be my private chef?"
jaemin chuckles, looking at you through his long lashes, "do you pay well?"
you nod enthusiastically at him. "i'll consider your offer if you'll consider mine," he rasps, a glint in his eyes and you know he's about to say something crazy.
you're scared. will it be foul? will it be tame? "what is it?"
he shrugs, "maybe-" but he's interrupted when he sees your suspect leaving the club you've been surveilling, prompting you to halt your chatting.
detective!jaemin who's incredibly hot standing in his serious, composed outfits, at crime scenes. tailored pants, dark shirts that bring out his skin tone so beautifully, matching perfectly with his black hair. his detective shield sticking to his belt, waistline and hips incredibly attractive as he shifts his weight from one leg to the other as he listens to the forensics team explaining the details of the crime.
in the cruel reality and crudeness of crime scenes, you find yourself gawking at your partner. almost as if gawking at him in his car or at the precinct isn't enough anymore.
detective!jaemin who looks at you when you're not paying attention. during morning briefings, during lunch breaks or when you catch your breath after running after a suspect, jaemin doesn't miss a detail.
detective!jaemin who starts inviting you to dinner dates. or at least that's what you think they are, and what jaemin hopes you think they are. it's like the chemistry between the two of you grows tenfold as you get into his private space — the welcoming of his condo.
detective!jaemin who's incredibly tidy and with tasteful interior design. he has cats, but his apartment is spotless, almost as if his cats are clouds that levitate around the space.
detective!jaemin who senses you switching up on him. you become tense during surveillance, you stop joking with him at the precinct, you stop looking him straight in the eyes and matching his foul remarks with another foul remark of your own. did he do anything to make you uncomfortable now that you're also spending time together outside of work? he swears he tried his best not to let you see he'd like to know you better, being work partners seeming almost like it's not enough. but he restrained his very obvious feelings by keeping it normal, professional, friendly, as usual.
detective!jaemin who actually confronts you after you avoid sitting next to him during a morning briefing. he guides you gently into one of the interrogation rooms, his palms burning your skin through your shirt.
he switches the surveillance camera off, switches the mic off before turning to look at you. his thick eyebrows are furrowed, and a look to his eyes lets you know he's hurt. "why are you avoiding me?"
his bluntness hits you like a truck, making you forget about the bashfulness you sported lately, making you finch in your spot after hearing how he's getting straight to the point. you knew jaemin is a very blunt, selfless person, who doesn't like beating around the bush. and he must be really hurt right now.
"don't even try," he warns softly, scornful, not allowing you to defend yourself. especially because the look you sported didn't convince him, and he doesn't like being lied to. "did i do something wrong? did i upset you in any way?" he tries, calmly, bringing a hand to touch his chest. his tone is collected, and his eyes search yours.
but the eye contact is almost too much for you to bear, and you avert your gaze, fixing his detective shield clipped to his belt.
you inhale, letting a shaky breath escape you. he keeps pushing, asking you to allow him to understand why you've suddenly changed demeanours while around him, asking you to let him know what he did wrong.
you shake your head, "you don't see it, do you?" you finally give in, his questioning suddenly too much for your ears to bear, "you didn't do anything wrong, na jaemin,"
"then what's the issue here? i'm trying so hard to understand," he's confused.
"there's no issue here, jaemin," you speak up, finally looking up at him, "you're just too perfect, that's possibly the main and only issue here,"
"what?" he barks, confused.
"you're an incredibly attentive and caring person, jaemin. you have no faults, in my eyes you're perfect," you explain, and you feel the heat of embarrassment creeping up to your cheeks, "unfortunately you're also my coworker, my partner, and it's killing me that i'm ruining everything by opening my big mouth right now. but i really couldn't keep faking like i don't want your cinnamon buns for breakfast or to wake up to lucy resting on my tummy,"
detective!jaemin almost thinks this is a prank you're playing on him. are you having zoomies? trying to get him to match with you? because he doesn't think it's funny or enough of a reason to use for zoomies.
but just a look at your face, searching it thoroughly, allows him to see how you're not playing with him.
he gasps, clutching the collar of his navy shirt. the thought of you alluding to wanting to be with him beyond the whole work partner relationship makes him grin, "silly, silly girl. you could have told me this instead of avoiding me," he tsks, shaking his head playfully, "because i certainly want you to have my cinnamon buns for breakfast, every morning, as well."
you look at the way his eyes soften while he approaches you, and he plays with a strand of your hair as he tilts his head to take a better look at you.
detective!jaemin has many charms. and these charms turned him into your boyfriend.
detective!jaemin is a great kisser, a giver, a cuddler and he secretly loves being the small spoon.
and detective!jaemin is great at doing his job, because after all, his cornering and incessant questioning made you confess to him first.
©️ KONGJJEN 2025. all rights reserved. do not copy, translate or repost any of my works.
hi guys i just met adela wbu lifes gr8
ruin the friendship # njm
pairing: na jaemin x afab! reader genre: hurt, angst, romance wc: 2.4k warning!! underage drinking (i do not promote this, pls drink legally <3), mentions of vomiting, alcohol + swearing
ft. other nct members + karina
synopsis; jaemin wants to ruin the friendship, do you?
When you were in high school there was a boy called Na Jaemin. A name you were familiar with, all too well. You had been in the same physics class in high school, the boy was loud. And weird. Like, a little bit too weird. The boy had a knack for switching his shoes and asking if you had noticed - often you did not, but you soon enough realise that the boy had a habit of giggling before doing it.
Apart from his weirdness, the boy was overall well liked and “popular”. He was a very pretty boy - eyelashes that fluttered with each blink, lips so pink you had wanted to ask what lip tint he used (which he did not actually use). His hair was styled like what you would see in teen magazines, and he was kind. Most of the guys in your year that had the same qualities as Jaemin tend to miss the nice trait.
Take Jeno, who coincidentally is best friends with Jaemin. The guy is captain of the football team - but is also the coldest person you have come across. You come to terms with the fact that it's due to not being close, rather than him being not nice.
A lot of people find the pairing of you, Jaemin and Chenle, a weird one. Chenle has been one of your friends since the school year started, being an exchange student - he was lost on the first day where you swooped in to help. Jaemin had been assigned to Chenle as a “buddy”, but Chenle always asked for you to be there anyways as he found it easier to talk to you. (He claims that Jaemin’s muscles intimidate him).
“Y/N!” Jaemin shouts at you as you walk along the hallway. His hands were gripping onto a piece of paper before he promptly handed it to you. Your eyes skim the printed off poster of Jaemin’s birthday poster. [JAEMIN’S 17TH PARTY. RSVP BEFORE AUGUST 6TH].
“I expect you and Chenle to come ok? I gotta dash!” He spews before you see him dart across the hallway giving away the invites. As if on cue, Chenle makes his presence known and asks about the party.
“Yeah, I don’t think I’m making it…” You admit to Chenle.
“Uh… why not? Isn’t this like the best time to flirt with him and excuse it on the alcohol?” He says as a matter of factly.
“And why would I do that?”
“Y/N. You literally have heart eyes whenever you talk to him.” He yawns as you both walk towards your next class. “And I’m pretty sure he likes you back too. Do you remember that time he literally had his chin on your shoulder at the… picnic?” Chenle continues as you both get settled down in class. Before you could open your mouth, the teacher had already raised their voice to start the lesson.
The picnic incident that Chenle mentions was… something. You had all just started second semester, when Jaemin thought of inviting everyone he knew to the local park. Which included you, Chenle, and his immediate friend group - and his bestest friend ever, a bottle of vodka he stole from his older sister. You had already been assigned to sit next to Jaemin by this point and have only just begun to share subtle touches.
After each shot of cheap vodka, you were starting to feel it, and so was Jaemin. You were all sat in a circle, Jaemin’s behind you - arms wrapped around you as his chin was on your shoulders. You could feel his warm breath as he sighed onto your shoulder. You turn your head to face the boy, but you were surprised to see him already doing so. Your faces were so close and maybe it was the alcohol but to you, the boy was looking directly at your lips. The moment was put to a stop when Jeno spoke up.
“Jaem, you might wanna remember Karina.” And suddenly, you felt stone cold sober.
Jaemin lets out a sigh before moving away from you. Of course. You replay your interactions with the boy, and although your mind goes at a hundred miles with the slight brushing of hands, the subtle glances - you have to remind yourself one thing. Jaemin was a taken man. Jaemin was dating a girl that had to move three hours away. Who could blame the girl’s family, there weren't many opportunities in your small town. And so, despite the holding pinkies under your physics table, you couldn’t afford to fall further nor pull any more moves.
THE PARTY
“You guys made it!” An excited Jaemin lets out. The birthday boy was wearing a blue birthday sash on top of his Pikachu shirt and jeans. You could see that the people had already been drinking and dancing the night away.
You make your way to the table littered with different alcoholic beverages - you go ahead and pour you and Chenle a shot. You watch as Jaemin expertly maneuvers through the crowd saying hello’s and thank you’s as people greet him. His smile was simply so beautiful.
“You’re doing it again.” Chenle says, “you’re doing that thing with your eyes when you think Jaem does something cute.” He continues as he looks over to Jaemin. The boy was now taking more shots, but unlike his usual “I don’t use my phone much.” stance, the boy was practically glued to his phone. His eyes glued onto the device, only taking glances at people when they required his attention.
The night progressed as you found yourself sitting with Jaemin, Chenle, and a few of his other closer friends. You had found yourselves talking about who was the quickest at realising Jaemin was up to something. The laughter boomed from your circle before Jaemin shushes at you all, proceeding to exit into his garden. “What was that about?” Yangyang asks, eyeing the boy who was now shivering in the cold.
“Maybe his parents are calling to ask how’s the party?” Hendery pipes up before taking a sip of his drink, who one can only assume is deadly from how you watched him pour four different kinds of alcohol into his glass. You all eventually pay Jaemin less attention the longer he stands outside.
You say your introduction to the new people who often came to your circle, taking a few sips of your drink every so often. Chenle has begun to stroke Jeno’s arms asking to flex, when Jaemin makes his way back to your friends.
“Let me guess, she can’t make it.” Jeno asks.
Jaemin huffs before replying, “She said that she suddenly got caught up with coursework. I literally planned everything around her.” Ahh. So that’s why the party started so late instead of the usual 7PM start for a bunch of 17 year olds. You were then startled by Jaemin yanking the absurdity of a drink off of Hendery’s hands. “I’m just gonna drink it off.” He says after chugging whatever was in that drink.
Hendery grunts as he gets up, asking if anyone else wanted a drink made by “his excellency”. Almost everyone raises their hands after Jaemin seems to be fine after drinking whatever he made. But you almost immediately stand corrected as after just one glass you were seeing shapes and colours merge into each other - the same could be said about most people in the party.
A boy called… Haechan? Or was it Donghyuck… Well, he had already passed out on the sofa, and another girl called Wonyoung was busy holding up her best friend’s hair as she vomited. There was definitely something in that drink.
As you skip around the house, you spot Jaemin by himself pouring another drink. “Hey Jaem!” You smile at him as you put your drink down so that he can pour more into your glass. He grabs your glass as he pours amaretto into your glass.
“Can you grab the mixer over there and just pour it? I would do it myself, but I can’t really open it while holding both of these.” He motions to the variety of mixers on the table. You pick one up, pouring onto Jaemin’s glass first.
If you would have been sober, you would have poured slowly and waited for the fizz to settle before adding more. However, you were quite far from sober which resulted in Jaemin’s glass overflowing. He lets out a gasp, a swear word was in there too - before putting your cup down. He takes a sip of his drink to try and get it to stop overflowing.
“I am so sorry!” You exclaim, eyes darting around for tissues. You eventually spot some and quickly grab a few, handing some to Jaemin.
Jaemin continues to drink. “It’s fine, Y/N.” He shrugs as he begins to wipe his hand onto his trousers. You both crouch down to wipe the floor, tissues piling up as you continue to clean up the mess you made. “Y/N?” Jaemin calls out as you both were wiping the floor, you let out a hum of acknowledgement before looking up. Jaemin was mere inches from your face, tissue in hand. “Can I kiss you?” He asks.
What the fuck. You think to yourself.
You look down onto Jaemin’s lips and look back to stare at him. You kept doing this until Jaemin started to inch closer. As much as you wanted to, you just couldn’t - knowing that he had a girlfriend. You immediately back away. “We… we can’t Jaem. We’re friends.” You say as he stands up, offering a hand out to help you stand up yourself.
“We can always ruin the friendship.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you, as if he just forgot he has a girlfriend. You shook your head at the boy, holding his cheek. Your thumb brushes against the pink of his cheeks as he rests into your touch.
“I can’t Jaem, you have Karina. It’s not fair on her.”
Jaem sighs, “but I want you, Y/N.” You drop your hand. You can’t believe what you’re hearing. “I want you Y/N. I don’t want Karina, I’ll end it with her I’ll end it tonig-”
“I… I don’t even wanna hear it, Jaemin. We can’t ruin the friendship. I don’t want things to be awkward… and weird when we’re with our friends. By all means, break up with Karina because it’s - it’s not fair to her.” You ramble, and ramble. That was one of the many things Jaemin loved about you. To him, it was difficult to talk to girls comfortably - but with you, he loved everything that came out of your mouth. Your rants and rambles, to your calculated arguments - he loved them all. He loved that you were so kind that you were putting his girlfriend before your own happiness.
Little did you know that Chenle had already spoken to Jaemin about your feelings. Chenle being Chenle, was sick of your pining that he decided to take matters into his own hands and go straight to the source. Hence why Jaemin had been acting so brave and flirted with you shamelessly.
So to his disbelief, you didn’t react the way he wanted you to. But again, this was a reason why he liked you so much. He couldn’t help but chuckle, “You’re right Y/N. It’s not fair.”
You look at the boy, his eyes looking down onto the sticky floors. “I’ll see you on Tuesday, second period?” You smile, deciding that it was time to head home.
PRESENT TIME
You remember Na Jaemin to be the boy who you loved, but you would rather anything than ruin your friendship. For the remainder of your high school life, you watched as Jaemin dated more girls than you could count. You watched him slowly distance himself, but hey, could you blame the guy?
It has been years since your last interaction with Jaemin, or any of his friends. After the final years of high school, you only ever kept contact with Chenle. The boy now works for his family’s business, which you were still unsure what exactly. He had been flying all over the world, where you moved away from your small town to the city. The both of you occasionally meet up, especially when he is in your area.
You and Chenle always call on Fridays at 7PM, your time. It’s a way for you to both catch up, and for when you guys call out of those hours normally means a small emergency has occurred or something similar. So to your surprise, Chenle was calling on a Saturday.
Chenle had made it a habit to never call on Saturdays, claiming that “I literally just spoke to you yesterday, I’m not clingy”.
“Damn Lele, you’re so clingy.” You tease at the boy. “Lele?” You follow up, you couldn’t hear anything from the other line. Thinking that maybe it was an accidental call, you were about to say goodbye before you heard a deep breath come from his end.
“Y/N.” Chenle’s voice was shaky. “H-He’s gone. Jaem… Jaemin…” He lets out, sobs coming out of his mouth. Jaemin?
“Lele, deep breaths sweetie. What… What happened to Jaemin?”
“He… He passed just yesterday. It was a hit and run.” Chenle whispers as he attempts to steady his breathing.
“I- I… this…” you couldn’t find the words to even respond to Chenle. What could you even say?
The line was quiet for a while. The both of you are not saying a word, the world was just still.
“The funeral is next week. I already booked our tickets, don’t… don’t worry about how much it is. I just… I just hope you’re okay Y/N. I gotta go now, but I’ll be at yours hopefully tomorrow.” You mutter your thanks and good bye and the line goes quiet.
There is no other way to describe how you feel. The pain, the hurt - the guilt. You weren’t exactly sure why you had felt guilty, but the thoughts kept coming. The thoughts of “if only I had kissed him” resurface. The thoughts of “if only I ruined the friendship.” You had so much to say, with so much of your feelings still lingering. It had been years but sometimes you should’ve kissed the boy anyways - because maybe it would’ve been the best mistake you would have made. Better than regretting it for all time.
vi's thoughts;
THIS WORK IS UNEDITED/NOT PROOFREAD so taylor released a new album. not rlly my fave album... but this song stuck out to me a lot. someone quite close to me passed this year, and i felt a lot of guilt with never truly getting to know them properly and this song just made me want to write smth . this is very unedited and purely fiction, a lot of 'if onlys' plagued my mind during that time and im just glad they're no longer suffering and can rest. i couldn't find the words to truly describe the feeling. stay safe guys :)
WE NEVER DATED 𓄴 黃冠亨
靚靚 kunhang didn’t know how shitty men kept finding you. you were a healthy, strong-willed young woman—the exact type of woman every therapist and their mother claimed was the ultimate manchild repellent. and yet, here you were, still stuck with an insecure infant of a man. well… he supposes there’s no other option but to take matters into his own hands.
warnings swearing, mentions of alcohol and alcohol consumption, reader has a boyfriend for the first 5 thousand or so words, unsexy namecalling (“bitch”), some really effing self-indulgent content, kissing, making out, a few sex jokes? reader isn’t toxic, but she’s very very clueless and contradictory, hendery hates men and calls reader “sweetness” also he’s down bad to a criminal level
genre fluffy angst, nonidol!au, childhood friends to lovers, suggestive(?)
word count 8.9k
notes the ending was a bit rushed, but i’m proud of myself for writing again!! another songfic, this timed based off a sombr song - we never dated
KUNHANG LIKED TO THINK he knew you.
I mean, it was an objective fact that he knew you, he told himself, watching you from across the table as you pretended to laugh at one of your boyfriend’s jokes; you didn’t overdo it like he’d seen some girls do, but he knew for fucking sure there was no way you actually found his sports-infused gag funny.
You’d known each other since high school, since grade nine, when you transferred from your home country to Macao for whatever reason he still couldn’t figure out. You’d been friends since you were fifteen; he’d seen you in vulnerable, exceedingly embarrassing circumstances, he’d been there for your highest highs and your lowest lows, he’d helped you through heartbreaks and failed tests, cuddled you when you needed comfort, kissed the apples of your cheeks when they were streaked with tears caused by some subnormal jerkoff who’d gotten confident after getting tired of you. He’d seen you in all circumstances, environments, situations—whatever the fuck you want to call it, Kunhang’s probably been through it with you. So, yeah, he liked to think he knew you.
But he could not, for the life of him, figure out why you kept dating the guys you did. Seriously!
When you introduced him to your first boyfriend in grade eleven—some socially-inept computer geek who was most definitely not what girls referred to when they said they liked “quiet, nerdy guys”—Kunhang had assumed it was a lapse in judgment. After all, no one’s first relationship is perfect. Hell, his first relationship was even worse. But he learnt his lesson, and he started dating nicer girls. That was just the thing with you; you always got stuck with the assholes.
It’s not like you didn’t try to find good guys, he reasoned, wrinkling his nose at the way you placed your hand on your boyfriend’s shoulder, the friendship ring Kunhang had bought you years ago glittering where he was sure your engagement ring would take its place one day. You didn’t always go for the same guys the way men pining after their girl friends always claimed they did. You didn’t have a set type, went for anyone you found interesting. Geeks, jocks, stoners, art freaks, whores, coffee enthusiasts; they all won your affection after they’d won your attention. It wasn’t you continuously going for the same type of guy that was the problem—it was the fact that, no matter how hard you tried, no matter how long it took them to reveal that side of themselves, your boyfriends always turned out to be pieces of shit.
You were a strong woman. Not necessarily in the stereotypical sense, but you had a steady head on your shoulders, and you stood for what you believed was right; which, with your iron moral compass, weren’t beliefs easily swayed by anyone with two legs and a dick between them. You were the exact blueprint of the women insecure men feared and everyone else loved, yet somehow, the former always found ways to weasel themselves into your life. Yet somehow, despite having the gift of hindsight, you kept going for them, making yourself small to fit into their mould of what they wanted you to be, even if it meant cutting off your wings to shelter them from your own light.
Yet somehow, Kunhang couldn’t bring himself to harbour negative feelings towards you for your continuous romantic mistakes, because he knew each and every one was well-intentioned. Each and every awful man you dated was someone you thought was going to end up being much better to you than they really were.
But God, was he glad that grace did not extend to your partners.
He was snapped from his reverie by a shove to his shoulder, and turned to see Yangyang glancing at him from behind his frameless spectacles. “What?” he asked, subconsciously looking around the table. “Did I miss something?”
“No,” Yangyang answered evenly, “but you were a million miles away, staring at Chieh like you wanted to kill him and it was starting to freak me out.”
Kunhang sighed a breath of subconscious relief. At least it was only that, and not something more important. At least it had just been him glaring daggers at the twenty seven year old jock from across the table and not him missing a question you asked him, or a smile you sent from across the table, a knowing glance at one of your inside jokes.
He can’t remember why you went out tonight. In the back of his mind he can recall some arbitrary achievement of one of his friends sitting around the table—maybe Dejun got a promotion, or something. All he knew was that you’d brought Chieh with you, despite him clearly not wanting to be there. God. He was filling up the entire space with negative energy because he’d rather be out drinking with his own friends; it made Kunhang sick. Not annoyed. Not upset. Not entertained. Sick.
Kunhang watched you for a few more moments, studied the way you moved, the way you responded to the man next to you. He was in the middle of some personal anecdote that was about sport; for context, Chieh was really into sport. Soccer, specifically. Your best friend watched as you glanced at your boyfriend, a gentle laugh passing through your soft lips. Your eyes were trained on his face, wide and unknowing as he turned to you to explain a rule midway through his story like it was some sort of arcane knowledge and not something you already knew because he always made a fucking point to educate you on it.
You simply smiled, nodding as if it was your first time hearing the information. Kunhang knew you were holding back on telling your boyfriend that you actually knew what he was talking about; he recognised that look of expert restraint in your eyes. You were clever. Knew when to deliver your lines and make it seem like you weren’t that bright.
Okay, he lied. After Kunhang broke up with his first girlfriend, he didn’t learn from his mistakes. He was just as bad at choosing partners as you were.
In a way, his affliction was just like yours. He picked people on a whim, assuming that his presumptions of a healthy, long term relationship would extend to those he dated simply because he himself was expecting it. And, like clockwork, things became sour the moment they were supposed to become serious. The only difference, however, was that he didn’t consider himself a victim of his failed relationships the same way he did you.
A few days after the meaningless celebratory dinner, Kunhang returned home to your shared flat from yet another failed date. It wasn’t anything major that earned it its failed status; they just couldn’t click. She was timid, adorably reserved, and a little bit dull; he was outspoken, annoyingly social, and he supposed a bit overwhelming.
He shut the door to your flat with a click, his shoulders dropping once he was behind closed doors again. He shucked off his denim jacket, chucking it somewhere where it would only be able to bother him in a few days, before looking into the living room.
It was small, cramped like the rest of your lovely Hong Kong flat, but that hadn’t stopped you or Kunhang from trying to decorate it as much as possible, and overstepping even those bounds. The television you’d gotten second-hand one hot summer afternoon was switched off, and you were seated on the polished wood floor, trying to build a coffee table and not succeeding. Or, at least, that’s what it looked like to Kunhang. He wasn’t sure what exactly you were doing, so he couldn’t tell if you were doing it right or wrong.
Your head turned at the sound of the door closing, and you broke into a smile at the sight of your best friend. “Kunhang!” you greeted happily. Then, before he could even return your smile, “Help me build this table.”
He chuckled. “Sure, sweetness,” he nodded.
That was how he ended up sitting across from you on the cold floor, reading the instructions and handing you whichever tools or parts you needed. Kunhang’s finger twitched as he watched you, aching to smooth over the concentrated frown pinching your brows.
“Small screwdriver, please.” You simply opened up your palm, and Kunhang placed it into your hand before you went back to work. “So, how was your date?”
He shrugged, absently flipping through the instruction manual. “Another bust.”
“Aw, what happened?”
“Oh, nothing bad this time,” he assured. “We just didn’t click.”
You pouted thoughtfully, the cogs turning in your head as you formulated an appropriate response to Kunhang’s sentiment. You noticed that he, like you, had always been a bit unlucky in love, and you knew from your past experiences that comfort was desperately needed in times like these, even when a person acted like they didn’t need it. You thought of your own relationship with Chieh. Could you use it as an example to tell Kunhang that, after all the pain and difficulty, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel? Were you happy enough with your boyfriend to suggest that your relationship with him was an ideal to strive for?
You didn’t know it then, but the very fact that you had to deliberate made it clear that you weren’t, that it wasn’t.
So, with an internal conflict raging in your mind, you offered the generic, “I’m sure you’ll find someone good one day. Who knows, you might even wake up tomorrow morning and meet your soulmate! Piece 10A, please?”
Kunhang snorted, dropping a tiny bolt into your palm. “Mm. Funny,” he remarked. “But it’s okay. It’s not like romance is the be all and end all of my life. I’m not you.”
You didn’t look up from your work. “And that’s supposed to mean…?”
He seemed to finally catch up to the possible insinuation of his last words, and quickly stumbled to save his ass. “I just— I’m not as much of a people person as you are, you know? You enjoy being around people, which is why you enjoy being in relationships, and, uh… that’s not me!” He smiled nervously. “Yeah. That’s what I mean when I say I’m not you.”
You eyed him warily; he missed the hint of mirth glittering in your irises. “Mhm.”
The two of you spent the rest of the night similarly to that; building the coffee table until it was finished—or, until you gave up and Kunhang assured you that you only needed one table in the flat, and that your second-hand dinner table would do; ordering in while you stood in front of your DVD collection as if you were in a sci-fi film deciding which wire to cut to bring down an enemy ship; talking on the phone and wishing Chieh goodnight while Kunhang rolled his eyes at your boyfriend’s phoney bedroom voice.
Seriously, he didn’t want to hate the guy, but it was like he went out of his way to be an unbearable human being.
You sat on the couch eating Indian takeout and watching old Leslie Cheung films, the comfortable silence melding perfectly with the warm, aromatic spices and wonderful movie dialogue. At some point during the film you were busy with, though, after you’d finished your food and reclined on the couch with two free hands, your eyelids started to droop, heavy from a long day at work.
Kunhang glanced at you through the corner of his eye, taking notice of the way your head lolled to the side, as if it was too heavy for you to keep upright. He smiled gently, before pulling you closer to lay your head on his shoulder.
You hummed in thanks, wrapping your arms around his middle and squishing your cheek against his sharp, sloped shoulder.
Physical contact had never been out of the ordinary for you and Kunhang. After all, you’d been friends for going on a decade—cuddles sort of came with the ‘childhood friend’ package, regardless of gender.
He’d always enjoyed it, being able to hold you like this and not feel it was inappropriate just because he was a man, and you were a woman. He’d never felt as if it would change your friendship, taking it from something meaningful to something ruined, something less to something more. That’s what he liked about being friends with you; you saw each other as people, and not romantic prospects. Not obstacles for your respective partners to overcome, not unhealthy or inappropriate replacements for unmet needs.
Though he’d be lying if he said holding you in his arms didn’t bring him any joy, any warmth in his chest. He just knew that warmth came from friendly affection and fondness. Not love. Never love.
“How was work?” Kunhang asked at one point, eyes trained on the television screen.
You sighed. “Fine, I guess.”
“Mm. It doesn’t sound like it was fine.”
“…Okay, yeah, it wasn’t. It was awful. My boss gave me tons of extra paperwork, and I have to hand it in by Wednesday.” You lifted your head, your nose brushing the underside of his jaw. “Today is Monday.”
He snorted softly. “I’m well aware. Would you like me to help you with the paperwork? Two times the workers means we’re working at two times the speed.”
You didn’t grant him a straight yes or no answer, instead pressing your cheek further into his shoulder and muttering, “I love you.”
“I know,” he murmured. “I’m just that good of a friend, huh?”
“Affirmative.”
“Thanks.”
Kunhang wasn’t necessarily a touchy person, hadn’t ever been, since he was a kid. He preferred to have ample space to move around and exist without worrying about someone else existing in that same space, preferred to sleep spread eagle and steal his own covers from himself.
But there had always been—since you were teenagers—something about your touchy nature that made him not mind it as much. Perhaps it was because, for the most part, you didn’t force your love on him, like a child forcing a begrudging pet to love them. Your skinship was born of natural circumstances, so it assumed a natural pattern of occurrence, though it had grown more frequent in recent years.
Some of his partners had been jealous of that.
Some of yours, too.
Well, it’s not like a partner’s jealousy mattered to him, now, be it his or yours. Your affection for one another had only ever been friendly—if one of your insecure boyfriends couldn’t see that, then good riddance was in order.
You were better in every way by design. You were too good for a man’s confine.
“Why do you let him do that?”
The pavement crunched under your feet as you walked arm in arm with Kunhang, down the street leading to your flat. You’d just come back from yet another night out with Chieh and your friends, though this one had ended less favourably than the rest.
Chieh had been going on and on about his coworkers, how they annoyed him and underestimated how much work he really put into the company. He was in the middle of complaining about working more than anyone else when you mentioned an inconsistency in his story, and he hadn’t handled it well.
“But, Chieh, you just said that there wasn’t a lot of work for you to do around the office,” you said. “Didn’t the boss give you time to kill because you finished most of the work earlier than expected?”
He sighed, chagrined, and looked at you like you were an idiot. There was something patronising about the way he spoke to you, in a way that had even Yangyang’s eyes widening. “Babe, that was that day. I’m talking about today. Not every day at the office is the same, you know? It’s not difficult to understand.”
Kunhang had half expected you to bite back with wit, to stand your guard and put him in his place. Instead, your eyes widened, flitting uneasily around the table, missing your friends’ sympathetic looks.
“Right,” you apologised, mumbling. “Sorry. I— yeah, no, you’re right. I was wrong. Please, keep telling your story. I was just getting invested.” You tried for a smile then, and Kunhang had never been more unsettled to see that quirk of your lips that he loved so much.
Chieh had simply scoffed, pulling you close and pressing a kiss to your temple. “You’re so silly sometimes.”
“Do what?” you asked.
Kunhang rolled his eyes. “Don’t pretend like you don’t know. Chieh belittled you in front of all of us, and you just let him.”
“I didn’t let him do anything,” you replied. “I misunderstood something he was trying to say, and he corrected me. There’s nothing belittling about being proven wrong every once in a while.”
“Oh, please.” His voice came out harsher than he’d meant for it to. “That’s bullshit, and you know it. That man’s been taking advantage of the fact that you’re willing to bend over backwards to make him right, and he’s not even hiding it, because he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Everyone can see it.”
You stopped, and Kunhang didn’t notice that you hadn’t been following him until he was a good ten paces in front of you. He came to a halt, turning to see you already looking at him.
“I don’t appreciate your assumptions about my boyfriend,” you said. “How would you know that he belittles me all the time? You only ever see him when we’re out drinking together, because you’ve made it painfully clear that you wouldn’t want to see him in any other setting,” you added, snippy.
He shook his head, smiling. “See? This is what I mean. When I say something you think is wrong, you get all hotheaded and tear me a new one. When Chieh says something even the biggest dolt would know is wrong, you try to bend reality to make him right.”
“That’s not true,” you said. “I’m not right all the time, you know. It’d be egotistical of me to imply any differently.”
“I’m not saying you’re right all the time,” he pointed out. “I’m saying that you’re minimising the times you are right because your boyfriend’s ego is less structurally stable than properties in Taiwan built before 1998.”
You crossed your arms over your chest. “Name one time I did that.”
He raised a brow.
“Okay, don’t,” you decided. “I catch your drift.”
Kunhang noticed the way your shoulders slumped almost immediately, your face falling into an embarrassed appearance. He sighed softly, and closed the distance between you in less than nine steps. “I’m not judging you, you know,” he said. “If I was, you’d have known right away.”
You smiled weakly at the bad joke. It didn’t reach your eyes the way he wanted it to.
“Look—” he tucked his index finger and thumb under your chin, breaths escaping his mouth in wispy plumes in the cold air— “it’s what I keep telling you with every fuckwad that comes along. Stop making yourself small. You’re not stupid, sweetness. You’re not clueless. Your worth is not tied to some guy, especially one that’s supposed to love and adore you for who you are, not for what you become to accommodate his ego.”
You snorted. “Says the man.”
“I think of myself as more of an omniscient, somewhat sexually competent entity, but touché,” he conceded. “But that’s not my point. My point is that a relationship where one party gets to be themselves while the other party is constantly bent over backwards to make their partner happy is not a healthy one, and won’t grow to be one no matter how hard the second party tries to make it work.”
“I know you’re just looking out for me, Heng,” you started, taking his hand and removing it from your face, “but you can’t exactly talk. God knows you haven’t had the best track record with women.”
“Shouldn’t that make me more credible on giving advice about unhealthy relationships?” he asked, smiling.
It dropped when he noticed you clearly didn’t consider yourself to be in on the joke. “Yeah. Whatever. I’ll listen the moment you get a girlfriend who doesn’t treat you like shit.”
He watched as you marched past him, hugging his jacket tighter around your form, your hips swaying this way and that as you walked. He could practically picture your expression; an annoyed, pinch frown marring your brows, your lips caught in a pettish moue while you huffily made your way back home.
Kunhang knew you were supposed to be his best friend, but it was in moments like this—when you snapped at him, put him in his place, generally treated him like a flawed adult instead of some perfect man like he was sure you felt pressured to treat your boyfriends—that he wished you could be more. That he could be what you needed; someone you could scold, and vent to, and listen to, and actually love without having to live in fear of that love dying out because he decided on a whim that you didn’t deserve it anymore. God, why was he fantasising about you scolding him? How was that his ultimate romantic fantasy?
You were a pretty one, nice to romanticise. But you didn’t make yourself easy to like.
You were drunk.
It had been a long day—a long week, long month, long life—and you’d opened the cap of a cheap wine cooler just to take the edge off, to numb yourself and be able to go on with your life without having to face the growing exhaustion present in your body. You’d only planned on drinking one, but that one became two, then three, then the entire six pack Kunhang had bought the previous week; it wasn’t technically yours, because you didn’t consider yourself a drinker. No, it wasn’t just that you didn’t consider yourself a drinker. You weren’t one at all, and everyone who knew you was aware of the fact.
So, then, what had pushed you to the point of getting buzzed up by unnaturally sweet bitch pop?
Well, I suppose “to escape the unbearable weight of the fact that your romantically irresponsible and unlucky friend was right about your boyfriend” wouldn’t be too good of an answer, but it was the only one you had.
You’d known that Kunhang was right for quite some time now. Of course, you weren’t stupid. You knew Chieh didn’t take you seriously, just like how you knew your last boyfriend didn’t take you seriously, nor the one before that, or the one before that…
You wondered what it was about you that was so attractive to shitty men. Your entire life long, you’d been told that the wrong sort of men would be turned off by how strong-willed you were, that you would never find a traditional man with your attitude, and yet, they seemed to be the only kind of men you could find.
Was it because of how you looked? How you spoke? How you composed yourself in public? What was it that had insecure, close-minded men flocking to you like moths to light? And how did you get rid of it?
You’d gone home after a date with Chieh.
It was a stay-at-home kind of date, wherein you’d binged movies and gotten takeaways, enjoying each other’s company in silence and occasional commentary on whatever you were watching at the time. Chieh was next to you, arms crossed over his chest, paying rapt attention to the action film he’d insisted you put on first. You’d been sitting next to him, legs crisscrossed under you, before you began inching your way closer to him.
He didn’t notice at first, concentration captured by the film. He didn’t notice at all, in fact, until your knee brushed his. He glanced at you from the corner of his eye then, and you could’ve sworn you saw displeasure flash across his face. He frowned, annoyed, leaning out of reach. “Not right now, okay? I don’t want to hold you. It’s been a long day.”
You’d taken the rejection in stride, smiling understandingly and backing up again. You didn’t mind being denied affection; after all, you knew the both of you had had long days at work, and you had different ways of winding down. You liked to be close to him, to someone you loved, while he liked to be given space. And, after all, a happy relationship required small sacrifices from time to time.
He didn’t pay you any attention until it was your turn to choose a film. You’d gone with a classic, a movie you’d watched rotten with Kunhang since it came out in your last year of high school, a movie you’d been meaning to rewatch for a while now. You’d switched it on, sunk back into the couch cushions, and settled happily. The title card flashed on the screen, and all seemed fine.
Then you hit the halfway mark.
Chieh made his way closer to you, his hand landing on your thigh. You glanced at him through the corner of your eye, noticing the change in his gaze.
You smiled softly, removing his hand. “Not now, okay, babe? I don’t want to right now, if that’s alright.”
He grinned. “Oh, come on, baby. It’s not like you’re going to miss anything.” He gestured vaguely to the television, adding, “This isn’t anything special.”
“I said, no, Chieh,” you said.
“Don’t be a—”
“I said, no!”
His eyes widened, though he didn’t say anything for a long while before he actually let go of you. “Fine,” he muttered, reluctantly turning back to the film. “You wanted to touch me half an hour ago, but the moment I want to, you don’t feel like it.”
“And is there something you want to say about that?” you challenged, turning to him with a raised brow. “What’s wrong with me not wanting to have sex with you at this very moment?”
He scoffed. “Nothing. I get that you don’t want to. I just didn’t expect you to be such a bitch about it.”
That was a few hours ago.
Kunhang found you upside down on the couch, peeling the label off a bright purple glass bottle—one of six, of which five had already had their labels messily scratched off. He set down his blazer on the kitchen counter, approaching the en suite living room with a bemused smile.
“And how did you get into my wine cooler stash?” he enquired.
“You’re very bad at hiding things,” you muttered. Your words were clear, though Kunhang could hear the slightest bit of a garble making its way into your speech. You turned to him, your head lolling in his general direction from where it rested on the edge of the sofa. “By the way, the underside of your bed is a hellscape.”
“I’m well aware,” he snarked, before plopping onto the couch next to you, the cushions dipping with his added weight. He was still in his work clothes, his black button up wrinkled from the day’s movement, his trousers straining around his plush, muscular upper thighs. “So… are you going to tell me why you’ve drunk yourself tipsy on a week night, or will you leave that for me to figure out?”
You sighed softly, eyes trained on the empty bottle in your hands. “…He called me a bitch,” you confessed, embarrassed.
Kunhang’s eyes widened, incredulous in his own growing anger. He didn’t even need to be told twice about who he was; it seemed perfectly on par with his previous behaviour. “Why the fuck would he do that?”
You shrugged. “I didn’t want to have sex with him.”
“So he called you a bitch?! What the fuck is his problem? I swear, if he shows up here in the next hour—”
“Well, he didn’t call me a bitch because I didn’t want to have sex with him,” you explained. “He was making moves on me, and I told him I wasn’t in the mood. He started pushing it, and I snapped. Then he got pissed, and said he understood that I didn’t want to, but he didn’t think I’d be such a bitch about it.”
Kunhang stared at you, brows pinched in a frown. “All I’m hearing is that he still called you a bitch.”
“Yeah, but the context—”
“Fuck the context!” he snapped. “Loving boyfriends don’t call their girlfriends bitches, end of story.”
You glanced at your friend, and only when he wiped away tears from your cheeks did you notice that you’d started crying.
“You can say ‘I told you so’ now,” you said, harshly wiping at your own eyes. “You were right, I was wrong. Chieh hates me.”
Kunhang’s eyes softened. “I didn’t say that he hated you.” Though, it seemed an awful lot like he did. “And now is so not the time to rub your face in the fact that you may or may not have been wrong about the guy. I mean, you’re crying, sweetness! Do you really think I’m so heartless that I’d be smug about being right when it comes at the cost of your happiness?” He shook his head. “You’re right to be sceptical, but for as much of an asshole as I am, I’m not amoral. I care.”
You sniffled. He cared. Cared so much that he didn’t behave how he usually would, how he had in the past when you got to that dreaded point of finding out your boyfriend turned out to be awful. Cared so much that, instead of revelling in the fact that he was right, and you were wrong, he was sitting next to you and wiping your tears.
“Yeah,” you murmured. “You do.”
“Of course I do,” he smiled. “You’re my best friend.”
Then, “I wish Chieh cared the way you did.”
Kunhang sighed. “You know, sometimes… so do I.”
Both of you knew that your boyfriend was a flawed person—like any other human being on the planet, including Kunhang and yourself. But there was something about today that hurt you specifically, hurt you so much, because he’d become a perpetrator where he’d always been a cheerleader.
At the beginning of your relationship, your boyfriend had praised you for standing up for yourself and what you believed in; he told you endlessly how much he loved the fact that you didn’t back down from a fight in order to educate someone; he sighed dreamily when you took a snippy tone with a particularly disrespectful man. He sang endless praises for the strong, no-nonsense woman that you were, yet hated when that fierceness, that wit was turned on him.
You didn’t say anything as Kunhang reached over to squeeze your thigh; an action that, when done by someone else a few hours ago, made you stiffen up—but when done by him, in that moment, when you needed it most, comforted you more than anything else could’ve.
You gazed at Kunhang with a quiet sort of reverence, stared at the face that had seen more sides of you than anyone else had. The man who had once been the boy to show you around Macao when you were new and scared and clueless, to teach you useful phrases of a language you sometimes still struggled to speak. The man who had once been the teen to follow you around like a lost puppy, to kiss you when you asked him to because you trusted him the most, and you wanted your first kiss to be with someone who’d be special to you forever, not just for a fleeting, hormone-fuelled moment.
“I wish I could meet a man like you one day,” you whispered, smiling sadly. “I want to be with someone who I know loves me the way you do.”
He smiled, with just as little happiness as you had. He didn’t bother to tell you that he was right there, that there was no way you were so clueless to not know that he’d been in love with you for eleven years. Instead, he leaned down, pressing a soft kiss in the corner of your mouth—not close enough to be wrong, not far enough to only be friendly.
“Yeah,” he said, breath warm against your cheek. “Me, too.”
He wanted to shiver when he noticed how you were looking at him; not in a predatory fashion, but definitely not in a way that could be seen as friendly. Your eyes, glimmering under the low, warm light of the living room, lazily mapped his face, stopping at his lips, dipping down to his collarbones. At that point, it felt as if you actually getting up and kissing him where you were looking would seem less salacious..
But you’d always been that way. Always been flirty without flirting, always conveyed desire without acting on it. Kunhang had accepted it as your personality, had accepted the fact that you two looked at each other as if you wanted to be more than friends, and did nothing about it.
You liked to have your fun. You danced around the lines of what was wrong, and what was right.
Against everyone’s expectations, you broke up with Chieh the following week. It had been a surprise, even to you, that you’d finally mustered up the confidence to nicely tell him to go fuck himself, in the politest, most businesslike tone you could manage.
Your friends were, predictably, over the moon—so much so that they arranged a night out in celebration; Yangyang insisted that you commemorate the occasion and turn it into a personal holiday.
You gathered at your favourite bar, sitting around a crimson leather booth, bathed in the bright light situated above you. You sat between Yangyang and Shuhua, Kunhang sitting across from you, squeezed between Ten and Kun, the former of whom had gotten to the point of inebriation where he insisted on you all leaving and going out to karaoke instead, while the latter tried desperately to keep him in his seat.
“You know,” Yangyang spoke up, “I didn’t say it then, but I knew from the moment you brought him around that there was something wrong with him.”
Shuhua scoffed. “That’s only because he said he thought Schumacher was overrated.”
“Untrue!” he shot back. “I also cared intensely for our dear friend.” He turned to you with a smile. Then, “But, I mean, the fact that he didn’t like Schumacher was the cherry on top for me.”
You chuckled, taking a sip of your own drink. “Totally,” you said. “You were totally thinking of me first.”
Yangyang rolled his eyes. “You think you’re being smart, but all I’m gonna do is agree with you.”
From across the table, Ten tilted his head. “There was also the issue with his lisp.”
“And his soccer obsession,” Kun added dryly.
Your eyes widened, flitting around the table as an astonished laugh left your lips. “I guess he was worse than I thought,” you murmured. “Why didn’t you guys ever tell me you had issues with him?”
Shuhua shrugged. “It wasn’t our place. Besides, he didn’t give us any reason to really hate him until he started calling you names. Every problem we had with him before that was just because he was incredibly annoying to us.”
“And we can’t crucify someone for being annoying,” Yangyang said. “God knows we have our fair share of quirks. I know racing isn’t for everyone,” he added.
“Nor is being incredibly attractive and multi-talented,” Ten acquiesced.
“Or quote-unquote, ‘behaving like an old man’,” Kun pointed out.
“Or reading doomed yaoi on company time,” Shuhua said.
“What we mean to say is— wait, what the fuck?” Yangyang sputtered, turning to the girl. She shrugged, frowning at his shocked expression. He shook his head as if to shake himself free of the words she’d just said, and continued, “What we mean to say is, we didn’t like the guy, but we didn’t actually hate him until he gave us a reason to.”
“Yeah, we’re judgy, but we’re not awful,” Ten said. “Or, well, I’m not.”
“Speaking of awful,” Shuhua started, nodding to Kunhang, “you’ve been awfully quiet since we got here. Don’t you have anything to say? As far as we know, you hated Chieh more than any of us.”
Kunhang merely glanced at his friend, then at you. His eyes were soft, impartial as he tried to compose himself with grace. “You’re right,” he told Shuhua, his eyes still on you. “I didn’t like him. But I’m still disappointed that he lived up to my expectations. Especially considering the fact that you had to get hurt in the process.” These last words, you knew, were directed at you.
There was something off about the way he spoke; a tightness to his voice that you weren’t familiar with, as if he were holding himself back from saying more.
Neither of you said anything, and the topic of conversation easily shifted to something else—after all, with your friends, a celebratory dinner could only be about one person for so long.
The night continued in a pleasant manner, with you and your friends discussing your days at work, plans for the coming weeks, anything you could say to keep you at the bar for longer before you had to face the music and go home. The lights were turned low, casting a warm glow over your booth, reflecting on the red leather. Kunhang sat across from you, sandwiched between Ten and Kun, listening intently to whatever you were discussing in the moments that passed. He’d been uncharacteristically quiet all night long, and it was finally starting to bother you.
Because Kunhang was generally a reserved person with his friends, with people he was comfortable with, but this wasn’t him being comfortable. Not when you saw his knuckles tighten and turn white from his hold on his glass, when you noticed his jaw click with unspoken words.
Your friends could only delay the inevitable for so long, and that inevitable came around midnight, when the bar was finally starting to empty out, and you had to admit that it was finally time to go home. You all easily slid out from the booth, some of you (read: Ten, who’d gone back to the bar for a second round of shots just as you were paying the bill) swaying more than others, and bid the bartender, Linhua, a friendly farewell. First to walk out was Yangyang, followed by Shuhua, you, Kunhang, and Kun, the latter of which had taken on the responsibility of helping Ten stay upright when the rest of you balked at the proposition.
Shuhua turned to you, cheeks warm and pink from the alcohol in her system as she pulled you in for a hug. “I’m going to miss you this week,” she muttered into your shoulder. “Make sure to call me as much as you can, okay?”
“Shuhua, we’re just going back to work for the week,” you reminded her. “I’m not immigrating.”
“All I’m hearing is you’re not going to call me, and you hate me, and want me to die.”
Yangyang came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and laying his cheek on your unoccupied shoulder, effectively wrapping you in an inescapable friend sandwich. “Don’t make her die,” he groaned. “She may be a weirdo with a gay fetish, but she’s our only rich friend!”
Kunhang snickered. “Doesn’t your dad own a tech company?”
“Shh!” Yangyang scolded, not even turning back to look at his older friend. “No one needs to know that.”
“Okay,” Kunhang agreed, gently prying Yangyang off you like he was removing a cat from its scratching pole. “You should be getting home to Coco, shouldn’t you? He’s probably missed you today.”
Yangyang gasped, bleary eyes widening. “You’re right!” He marched to the edge of the pavement, and yelled at the top of his lungs, “TAXI! I NEED TO SEE MY SON!”
“Not so loud,” Shuhua scolded, finally letting go of you.
She went to stand next to Yangyang, and joined in on his calls for a taxi despite reprimanding him moments before.
As the two yelled for a taxi, Kunhang approached you, planting a gentle, imperceptible hand on the small of your back. “The old men have already gone home,” he informed you. “Seems like they’re too tired to say goodbye properly.”
You glanced up at him. “Not like we should’ve expected anything less.”
He grinned. It didn’t look right—tight, strained. “You ready to go?”
Before you answered, you directed your attention to Shuhua and Yangyang. “Will you guys be okay?” you asked, calling over the gust of wind that had picked up in the last few moments. Clouds dusted the night sky, though you doubted it would rain. It may have been monsoon season, but the past week had been dry as a desert.
Shuhua simply sent you a thumbs up. You chuckled.
“I guess that settles it,” you said, turning to Kunhang. “Sure, we can go home.”
The walk home was tense.
After you’d escaped the presence of your rowdy, drunk friends, Kunhang’s entire demeanour shifted. He kept a moderate distance between the two of you as you walked on the inside of the pavement, him exposed on the outside. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, eyes trained on the concrete beneath and in front of him, only ever looking up to glance warily at the clouds, which had grown denser since you’d left the bar.
You wondered what you could say to alleviate the tension between you; wondered, specifically, because you had know idea what had caused it, or what part you’d played in causing it.
Ever since that night a week ago when you admitted to what Chieh had done and said to you, Kunhang had been acting peculiarly. He didn’t greet you with a bear hug in the mornings, didn’t spend his evenings after work binging movies or playing board games with you like he usually would, didn’t even speak to you unless it was undoubtedly necessary.
“Kunhang?”
Your voice sounded wrong speaking into the silence. Strangled, almost, out of place. Your best friend turned to you nonetheless, dark brows pinched in a concerned frown.
“Yeah?”
You were usually a confident, assertive woman. You had no problem speaking up against your superiors at work, had never had a problem leaving problematic people in the face of conflict. And yet, glancing at Kunhang, your Heng, not knowing what it is you’d done wrong, not knowing what was causing him to act the way he was… that was infinitely more intimidating.
“I— uh… I was just wondering,” you started, fiddling with your fingers as you walked, “were you—? Are you, um… are you mad at me?”
He stopped in his tracks. “Why would I be mad at you?”
You glanced up at him, pointing loosely to his face. “That’s the thing. I don’t know, but it feels like you’re mad at me.”
He raised a brow, crossing his arms over his chest. “Oh, yeah? How so?”
You scoffed. “Come on, Kunhang. You know.”
“No, really, I don’t! Enlighten me.”
“Don’t take that tone with me—”
“What tone, exactly?” he interrupted. “I’m fine. Look at me, listen to me: I am fine. Stop looking for reasons to blame me for the fact that you’re feeling bad. I never—” he bristled, cutting himself off. Then, he chuckled humourlessly. “I don’t need this.”
He turned his back to you, stomping his way up the street, disappearing further and further from your sight.
Now, it would’ve been an awfully cinematic, emotionally-charged moment for it to start raining at that moment, as you were staring at your best friend leave you behind—perhaps both literally and figuratively—and cycling through emotions that you weren’t supposed to be feeling at the sight of a mere childhood friend.
Except, of course, since you weren’t in a romantic drama, it didn’t start raining at that moment.
Instead, it started raining when you ran after him, pulling him closer by the tail of his coat.
“I don’t know what I did,” you said, surprised by the tremble in your own voice, “but I want you to forgive me for it.”
He didn’t say anything for a long moment. Then,
“I wish nothing but the best for you. But… I hope who’s next sees the rest of you.”
You recoiled. “What?”
Kunhang sighed, shaking his head. When he turned around to face you, large, shiny tears of frustration had gathered in his eyes, clumped his lashes together like bad mascara. “I said I wish nothing but the best for you. But I hope your next boyfriend is as exposed to you as I was.”
You scanned his face for any sign of malice, any indication that he’d said those words to mean that you’d broken him, screwed him up in ways you didn’t even realise.
The truth was, you had. He wouldn’t tell you until a few moments later, but you had. You’d shown him sides of you that you hadn’t even shown the men you’d been at your supposed most vulnerable with. Any other man would feel entitled to you, claim that the price of taking on that emotional labour would be paid by having you in return; Kunhang didn’t see it that way.
He didn’t think you owed him anything—your time, attention, love, sex. He didn’t expect anything of it.
What he had expected, though, was better from himself.
“That doesn’t mean what you think it means,” he continued. “I don’t want you to feel like I’m making it out to be as if I deserve you, or have some sort of claim to your love just because I’ve been by your side for so long. We both know I don’t think like that. But, God… sometimes I wish I didn’t stick around you for so long.”
When you didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything, eyes too wide with shock, with fear of the unknown, mouth gently parted in an astonished ‘o’, Kunhang continued.
“I’ve been in love with you since we were fifteen. Eleven years, and I know you’ve been in love with me for just as long. I know, because you’re a highly efficient, cynical woman who disposes of people if they don’t enrich her life in some way or other,” he added. You shifted uncomfortably, but he persisted. “I know you love me, because you never stop fucking talking about how you wish you could find someone like me. You never stop talking about it, yet you never stop to think that maybe you don’t need someone like me.”
Maybe you need me, his eyes said.
“Kunhang,” you whispered. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this sooner?”
“Because you’re not stupid,” he said. “Because you knew I loved you, just like you knew you loved me.”
You stilled.
His words, though harsh, rang in your ears like a shrill whistle. You’d known, hadn’t you? You’d always known how your best friend had felt about you. You knew it when he offered to give you extra Cantonese lessons when you were struggling with your studies in high school, you knew it when he agreed to be your first kiss in your last year. You knew it when he moved in with you and didn’t move out even when you both started dating other people, you knew it when he transferred jobs to be closer to home. You knew it when he tried your tears after every bad breakup you had, you knew it when he kissed them away and held you until you fell asleep in his arms.
You’d always known how you felt about your best friend. You knew it when you brought him his favourite snacks in exchange for the extra language lessons, you knew it when you felt the butterflies raging in your stomach and chest at the feeling of his soft lips against yours. You knew it when he moved in and you spent the entire week kissing up to him despite him insisting he’d been meaning to move anyway, you knew when he transferred jobs and you adjusted your work schedule to fit his so that he didn’t have to get up alone in the mornings. You knew it when you sat through each and every one of his relationships with the wrong people, you knew it when you didn’t feel regret at the fact that they left the broken pieces of him for you to pick up every six months.
You’d always known how you felt about each other, and what did you do about it? You tortured yourself, and him.
“I’m sorry,” you whispered.
“I guess it’s my own fault, too,” he laughed, dragging a hand over his tear-streaked face to no avail; raindrops splattering on his cheeks and washing the tears away anyway. “I put you and myself through the same torture by not confessing my feelings, or making a move. I can’t be mad at you,” he shrugged. “I can’t make you love me, because you were never mine for the taking. You’re your own person, and you get to do what you want.”
“Even if it fucks over my perception of romance because I have some weird sexual tension thing going with my best friend?” you asked, smiling sadly.
He choked out a laugh, wiping at his eyes. “Oh, fuck. I guess so, yeah.” He straightened his back, posture once again stilted. “Sorry. That wasn’t funny. I shouldn’t have laughed.”
“I don’t mind that you did,” you murmured. “It was supposed to be a joke.”
Kunhang glanced down at you, hand subconsciously reaching for yours. His fingers were cold to the touch when you held them; he gasped softly at the contact, at the feeling of your lips brushing his knuckles as you brought his hand up to your mouth.
“I’m really sorry, Kunhang,” you apologised. You were starting to shiver from the raindrops rolling down your back, soaking your clothes and shoes, but you weren’t going to move until he knew how sorry you were, how far you were willing to go for forgiveness. “You deserved better than whatever I’ve been giving you for the past eleven years. I… you were right, when you said I know that we loved each other. It was stupid of me to try avoiding that by dating the biggest pieces of shit to keep you off my mind.”
“I didn’t know that was an avoidance thing,” he whispered.
“Neither did I,” you said, “until Chieh walked into my life.” You tilted your head thoughtfully. “In a way, he was the best and worst thing to happen to our relationship.”
“Worst, I can concur,” he grumbled. “But best? That’s highly debatable, sweetness.”
“Well, then, allow me to persuade you,” you smiled softly.
You’d only ever kissed Kunhang twice before in your life. Once, the first time, on the rooftop of a friend’s house, tucked away from the attention of everyone else at the party, right after you’d asked him to be your first kiss. Twice, the second time, on that same rooftop, as you realised how intoxicating it was, kissing him, and surged forward for another taste. Both times were as soft, as desperate, as reverent as the one you went for this time, eight years later, yet neither could compare.
His mouth melded perfectly with yours, the tip of his tongue brushing your own as he pressed himself impossibly closer to you. He sighed, deft fingers curling around the belt loops of your pants. He tasted faintly of beer and breath mints—the sweet, spearmint kind.
He pulled away from you—reluctantly, with every fibre of his being screaming no—with a soft groan. His eyes were stern. “You know, you can’t just kiss me everytime I pour my heart out to you about how you ruined my fucking life.”
“No,” you agreed, pressing a fleeting peck to his swollen lips. “But I can certainly do other things to win your forgiveness, can’t I?”
His eyes widened. “Okay, relax. We haven’t even started dating yet, now you already wanna get in my pants? Talk about women in male—”
“Oh, shut up,” you scolded. “You know that’s not what I meant!”
He rolled his eyes, pulled you into his side and continued to march up the street. “Whatever,” he decided. “Now, come on. I can feel the hypothermia starting to set in, and I want to kiss you in a dry environment without having to worry about freezing to death.”
“Okay,” you acquiesced, tucking your head into his shoulder. “But, Kunhang?”
“Mm, sweetness?”
“Do you forgive me?”
He glanced down at you then, but didn’t dare stop walking. He’d already stopped once, and if he did again, he didn’t think he’d be able to keep going with the way you were looking at him. “Not completely,” he confessed. “But… forgiveness takes time. Just because I don’t forgive you now doesn’t mean I’m going to stay mad at you forever.”
He smiled softly, pressing a reverent kiss to the crown of your head. “Besides, I physically can’t stay mad at you forever. I think I’d just keel over and die.”
“I’m pretty sure I’d suffer the same fate if you were mad at me forever,” you admitted.
Wong Kunhang, your Heng, chuckled. Unshed tears still brimmed in his eyes; he allowed them to fall freely, to take the weight of his heart off his shoulders. “Well, then, I guess you better start kissing up to me so we don’t die in the next week.”
You hummed, pressing a gentle kiss to his jaw. “Good idea, Heng.”
perm taglist @hyuneskkami @jwiloves @bluedbliss @ayukas @rubiiisyeon @vantxx95 @drunkhee
hey gang ... i haven't been writing in a while LMAO ,, been way too stressed but i am officially 4/5 parts through with dejun x reader fic !!! the ending looks kind a rushed so might extend that a bit more lol
“NO ONE BUT YOU”
pair: childhood bff! liu yangyang x secretly in love bff! reader | genre: rom-com | words: 38k+
synopsis -> after his girlfriend left him for his bestfriend, liu yangyang’s favorite coping mechanism is running to you for emotional support. every damn time he bumped into them on campus, he wore that perfect mask, pretending he was completely fine. only to end the night crying on your shoulder, falling apart. and every single damn time — you were there. handing him tissues, listening to the same rants on repeat, cracking sarcastic jokes until he laughed through his tears…all while pretending your own heart wasn’t breaking. why couldn’t he see that the person who always understood him best had been here all along?
warnings -> guaranteeing the cutest best friends to lover trope in the loverboy series (at least i think it is!!), pet name unlocked: teddy, yangyang is so fucking oblivious it hurts, reader please get up!, jealousy, insecurities, possessiveness, +18, crude humor, language, parties, drinking, more than one party game, masturbation (m), fingering, blowjob, face riding, yangyang is a munchhh and loves/gets off eating pussy, he also has a big dick! sexual activities while intoxicated, unprotected sex in the hot tub!, and on the couch! he cums inside oops, lots of banter during sex, mentions of: fuck-buddy, audio porn.
an -> the first of the wayv loverboy is sweetly yours! i decided to do this spin off after listening to taylor swift’s, you belong with me hehe. this takes place right after renjun’s story or i hate fruits. you do not need to read the loverboy series (dream ver) to understand this story. what you need to know will be explained here. but if you want the full details, i do recommend reading renjun’s story! have fun reading! please let me know what you think!! - with love, c.
🧸 SEPTEMBER 11 - FRIDAY - MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT TEDDY BEAR.
it was nearly midnight when the door to your apartment door swung right open, making you jump so hard your heart practically tried to escape your chest. for one terrifying second, you imagined every possible crime scene headline involving you, a slippery bathroom floor and a damp towel as your only defense.
“it’s just not fair!”
the shout echoed in your living room before you even spotted him. you could recognize that voice even in your sleep. and there he was — liu yangyang, your childhood best friend, the boy you’ve been harboring secret feelings for the last five years, storming in with wild eyes and a kind of frustration that clung to him like static, restless and loud.
you clutched your towel tighter around your body, still dripping wet from the shower, “dude! i know i gave you my code but that doesn’t mean you can just walk in here with no warning!”
yangyang’s eyes flicked over to you, unimpressed. he didn’t even flinch at your half-naked state — too consumed in his own misery to care. he just groaned and collapsed dramatically onto your couch, burying his face into a throw pillow like he’d been waiting all day for this exact moment, “put on some clothes so i can die in your arms in peace, please,” he mumbled, his voice muffled, pout obvious even without seeing his face.
you exhaled, long and patient, already used to this. already too soft on him for your own good, “fine. but just so you know, i’m out of ice cream.”
“ughhhh, i hate my lifeee,” he whined, dragging the pillow closer like it could protect him from reality. you shook your head and padded toward your bedroom, trailing little wet footprints behind you.
this was his routine now — crashing into your space, sometimes drunk, sometimes stone sober, always wearing that perfect mask on the outside until it shattered behind your door. he’d been like this ever since the two of you got back from your internship in germany and found out that his best friend, renjun, and his girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend, love, had somehow fell in love with each other in the strangest, most heartbreaking way. a box dropping on her head. temporary amnesia. the illness between memories blurred until she didn’t know who was who. by the time the fog cleared, it was already too late, she’d fallen in love with the wrong boy (or the right one) depending on whose story you hear. yangyang had been stuck in the middle of that impossible truth ever since. he played the part so well, too — polite smiles, easy words about being “happy for them” when people asked. but the cracks always showed when the day ended, when he needed someone who wouldn’t call his bluff. so he came here. to you. and through it all — the late night breakdowns, the way he cycled through the same rants until even his tears felt rehearsed, the quiet collapses on your couch — you never once left his side. not when his voice broke. not when his walls crumbled. not even when your own heart kept breaking quietly in the background, knowing he’d never look at you the way he looked at her.
you pulled on a hoodie and your pajama shorts before returning to the living room. yangyang was still sprawled out into the cushions like he owned them, his head tipped back against the armrest, staring at your ceiling like it might offer him a divine answer. you grabbed the remote, flipped on the t.v. for background noise and nudged his leg with your knee, “scoot over,” you ordered.
he grumbled something incoherent but still obeyed, pulling his legs up and folding into a lazy criss-cross on your couch. you dropped beside him, close enough that your knees brushed, mirroring the way he sat. it had always been like this between you two — automatic, instinctive, like your bodies remembered how to fit together in any space.
from this close, you caught the faint tang of alcohol on his breath. your eyes narrowed immediately, “you went to the dream party, didn’t you?”
yangyang shifted uncomfortably, gaze darting anywhere but you. he tugged at a loose thread on the pillow, shoulders stiff, clearly guilty, “uhhh…”
you tilted your head, raising a brow, “now, why the hell would you do that?”
he let out a long, shaky sigh, finally dragging his eyes back to yours. the vulnerability there made your chest ache, “i-i don’t know! i-i just wanted to see her.”
the words hung heavy in the air. you bit the inside of your cheek, bracing yourself. “and?” you prompted, voice harsher than you meant it to be.
yangyang leaned back, hands fidgeting in his lap, like if he didn’t start talking he might actually combust, “and you would not believe what happened—” he said, launching into the story of what went down at the party.
*flashback to earlier today at the dream fraternity*
the music thumped in his chest, laughter spilling in the air, a red solo cup in his hand as he listened to whatever xiaojun and hendery was talking about, plastering on the same easy grin he’d worn all week, the one that said i’m fine. i’m happy. inside, though, every second felt like his ribs were caving in.
he saw them way before they saw him. their matching color palettes weren’t hard to miss — renjun and love wrapped up in pink. side by side. brushing like magnets, smiles soft and too tender for anyone else to miss. he swallowed down the lump in his throat and took another sip, pretending the burn was enough to numb it.
when renjun finally spotted him and made his way over, yangyang braced himself, smile sharpening onto something lopsided, practiced, “dude,” he said, gaze flicking over, “the pink?”
renjun blinked, caught off guard. “what?”
yangyang tilted his head, grin widening just enough to look genuine and pointed at his best friend’s new hair, “it suits you. makes you look… weirdly happy.”
renjun’s shoulders relaxed a little, mouth tugging into a shy smile. “yeah, well. she picked it.”
“of course she did,” yangyang let out a soft laugh. amused. or at least, pretending to be.
a cautious silence threaded between them like they were both balancing glass in their hands. then renjun’s voice dropped quieter, “can we talk?”yangyang didn’t even sigh. he just nodded and stepped off to the side with him.
renjun began, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck, eyes darting everywhere but yangyang’s, “i should’ve told you sooner. but it all happened so fast and next thing i know–”
“you love her,” yangyang said simply. his tone was light, steady, betraying nothing. but inside, it was a knife twisting right in his chest. “i know. i saw it all that night we took her to the hospital.”
renjun’s throat bobbed, “yeah.”
“i already forgave you,” yangyang went on, managing a small, resigned smile, “i just needed a couple days to process and the let the sting wear off. besides, you were right. i wasn’t there. i should’ve seen it coming, really. it just makes sense that the two people i love most would fall in love with each other,” he concludes. not entirely sure if he was trying to convince the boy in front of him or himself.
renjun swallowed hard, “it wasn’t supposed to happen like that.”
“yeah,” yangyang said softly, “but it did. and maybe it was supposed to happen exactly like this.” there was a pause, full of memory, affection, and things left unsaid. yangyang took a sip from his cup, “anyway. the internship called me. i got the job.”
renjun’s eyes widened. “you’re kidding—?”
yangyang grinned, this time genuinely. “nope. full-time offer. i leave right after graduation next year…so really,” he went on, nudging renjun’s shoulder lightly, “it worked out for everyone. i got my future, and you got her. she was always yours, anyway. i was just keeping her heart warm till you were ready.”
“what do you mean?,” renjun asks, curious.
yangyang forced out a grin, pretending every word he uttered wasn't crushing his own heart, “you’ll have to ask her about it.”
renjun’s throat went tight. “yang…”
“don’t get sappy on me now, loverboy,” he warned, letting out a laugh that covered the crack in his chest. he didn’t want his pity. “go. be gross together. and tell her i said thanks for finally getting you to change your hair. i’ve been begging for color since sophomore year.”
renjun snorted, “thanks.” then, after a beat, quieter, sincere, “we’re still best friends, right?”
yangyang nodded once, smile beaming, even though his brain was still screaming a million curse words. “as long as you don’t mess this up.” yangyang says like some sort of wise man. literally, fuck him and his own savior complex. he should be screaming. he should be trashing this place. instead, he’s sporting a beaming smile all for the sake of other people’s happiness.
renjun met his eyes, “i won’t,” he promised. “i’d rather die.”
yangyang let the silence stretch, just long enough for the promise to settle between them. then he nodded once, smile still beaming like it didn’t cost him anything at all. he gave renjun one last look before clapping a hand to his back and heading into the house. the music swallowed him up again, laughter bubbling all around him. the party’s pulse thrummed against his ribs as he moved through the crowd. then he felt the weight of eyes on him. his own gaze flicked up and there she was – love. his ex-girlfriend. renjun’s girl now. for a second, the noise around them dimmed. she didn’t look away, didn’t flinch. just held his gaze across the room, her expression caught between guilt and gentleness, the kind that held both apology and acceptance. yangyang’s chest twisted but he forced his mouth into a small smile. quiet. understanding. and she returned it — a tiny curve of her lips, a silent acknowledgement of everything they had been and everything they no longer were.
*end of flashback*
yangyang’s voice trailed off, the party fading from his memory as reality came crashing back into your small living room. the background noise of your t.v. hummed low, mixing with the sound of his uneven breathing. he looked smaller than usual, hunched forward like the weight of his words was still pressing on him.
“you told him you forgive him?” you asked, incredulous, turning to face him fully, “but….you don’t.” you point out the obvious.
yangyang groaned, dragging both hands down his face before flopping back dramatically against the couch cushions, "i didn’t know what else to say!,” his voice cracked somewhere between exasperation and despair, “what? am i supposed to keep playing the villain and not let them be happy!?”
you stared at him, heart aching and pressed your lips into a thin line, “you’re not the villain, yang.” he tilted his head toward you, eyes glassy and vulnerable in a way he only ever let you see, “—you don’t have to forgive them if you’re not ready,” you added softly.
yangyang sniffled, reaching blindly for a tissue on your coffee table, “i hate this,” he muttered, voice muffled into the tissue as he wiped his nose, “i hate that i don’t even hate them. like…isn’t that what i’m supposed to do? get angry? yell? throw a drink in someone’s face?”
“you?” you snorted, “please. you’d apologize to the person you threw it at for wasting their drink.”
that earned you the tiniest huff of laughter, just enough to soften the tight line of his mouth. you leaned your head against the back of the couch, watching him. he sat criss-cross again, knee brushing yours, hair sticking up from where he’d been raking his hands through it. his chest still rose and fell unevenly, but at least he was breathing easier now.
“you’re allowed to be hurt, you know. you’re allowed to let the world know how you truly feel.” you said quietly.
yangyang stuffed another tissue into his fist like he could bury all his pain in paper instead. “yeah, well,” he mumbled, forcing his voice into something lighter, “lucky for me, i don’t need the world. i’ve got you. free therapist, 24/7, no copay.”
you rolled your eyes, even as warmth bloomed unsteadily in your chest, “don’t flatter yourself. you’re paying me in pizza next time.”
“deal,” he whispered, smiling weakly. then he let out a long, dramatic sigh, suddenly shifting and tossing the crumpled tissue onto your coffee table. before you could ask what he was doing, his arms reached out and hooked around you, tugging you straight into his chest.
“come here,” he murmured, already nuzzling his chin on top of your head like it was second nature.
you groaned, squirming in protest, “yang, no! you reek of alcohol and i literally just showered!”
“don’t care,” he mumbled stubbornly, holding on tighter, “i need my emotional support teddy bear.”
you shoved lightly at his chest, wrinkling your nose, “you’re gross. you smell like cheap beer and regret.”
he tilted his head down to grin at you, eyes glinting, “you love it.”
“i absolutely do not!,” you shot back, though your voice wavered with a laugh.
“yes, you do,” he said, sing-song, tightening his arms until you gave up fighting, “you’re addicted to me. admit it.”
“addicted? please.” you rolled your eyes, but you didn’t try to move away again, “you’re lucky i’m too tired to throw you off my couch right now.”
yangyang chuckled, the sound rumbling through his chest against your cheek, “so basically…you like me enough to suffer through the smell. that’s real love, right there.”
you smacked his arm without much force, “don’t push it.” but your body betrayed you anyway. relaxing. softening. your head finding its place against his chest like it belonged there. his hand absently traced circles against your back, slow and soothing, the kind of touch that wasn’t meant to mean anything but still felt like everything.
the t.v. murmured on in the background, the glow painting soft shadows across the room as the two of you sank deeper into the couch. yangyang’s heartbeat was too steady, too familiar, it lulled you, each breath syncing with his. the silence between you wasn’t empty. it was lived in — a silence that had grown up with the two of you, evolving from playground whispers to late-night facetimes, from library study sessions to these countless evenings on your couch. it wasn’t awkward, never had been. it was a blanket you’d both wrapped yourselves in a thousand times before, stitched together with years of knowing each other’s rhythms, moods and unspoken words. and just when you thought he’d drifted off, his voice came low and quiet, threaded with a kind of sincerity he rarely let anyone hear —
“thanks for always listening to me, teddy.”
the nickname hit like it always did – tugging at the memory of a third grade classroom where it all began. to your favorite teddy bear lying on the floor, head ripped clean off from a game that got too rowdy, to your little hands clutching the broken stuffed toy, tears blurring your vision and yangyang’s panicked face staring at you like he’d ruined the world, crying with you. the very next day, he showed up to class with a brand new teddy bear in his arms — softer, cuddlier, shinier. he’d shoved it into your chest, muttering rushed apologies and awkward promise after awkward promise that he’d never hurt you again. and you, still sniffling, had promised him something too — that you’d be his best friend for as long as that teddy bear stayed with you. and it had. it still did. the years had worn it down, the fur dulled, one ear a little loose but it sat tucked safely in your bedroom. proof of a promise that hadn’t been broken.
you closed your eyes, swallowing the lump in your throat, breathing him in despite the faint edge of alcohol clinging to him. this time, you didn’t protest, didn’t tease him, didn’t make a joke to deflect the way your chest ached. you just let the words settle over you, warm and heavy. and like so many nights before, you drifted into sleep tangled up on the couch together. two best friends, bound by years and promises, still holding onto each other like that was enough.
🧸 SEPTEMBER 15 - TUESDAY - PAINTING II.
out of every day of the week. yangyang has grown to hate tuesdays the most. he didn’t even understand why he needed this class — he was set after graduation, internship locked in, his future lined up in neat little rows. but a degree was a degree and this class was just another box to check off. — painting ii. should’ve been a class he enjoyed. he loved making things, experimenting with brushes and color, letting his hands move faster than his thoughts. now it just felt suffocating because, of course, renjun and love were in this class too. they came in together. side by side. her arm brushing his. renjun leaning close to whisper something that made her laugh effortlessly. yangyang’s jaw tightened but by the time they were in his line of vision, the mask was already back on. that same carefully constructed, almost-too-bright-i’m-fine smile.
“hey,” renjun greeted, his voice careful, still carrying the weight of friday’s conversation.
yangyang just grinned, like it was nothing, “what’s up?” – easy. effortless. like he hadn’t spend the entire weekend sprawled on your couch with romcoms on autoplay.
love gave him a small nod, polite, almost…grateful. like she knew he was sparing them. like she was silently thanking him for playing along.
but where yangyang’s mask held steady, yours did not — from your seat next to him, you glared daggers so sharp they could’ve cut through steel. your sketchbook was open, pencil poised, but your entire focus was pinned on the couple like you were trying to set them on fire with sheer willpower. yangyang nudged your knee under the shared easel, subtle but firm, a small warning, “stop it,” he whispered, voice low enough that only you could hear. your eyes didn’t move, “they don’t deserve your smile.”
he forced a quiet laugh, leaning back on his stool, the sound too casual, “and what? you’re gonna fight them with paintbrushes in the middle of class?”
“if i have to,” you muttered, jaw tight. he couldn’t help it — despite everything, a smirk tugged at his lips. that was the thing about you. he could be unraveling and somehow, you still made him laugh.
“play nice,” he murmured, shaking his head. you rolled your eyes, finally dragging your gaze back to the page.
right then, professor yuta strode to the front of the studio, clapping his hands once to get everyone’s attention. his black hair was tied back loosely, smudges of paint already dotting his arms like he’d been working before class. “alright, everyone,” professor yuta began, his smile sharp, “today, you’re working in groups of four. you’ll be sketching a concept for the university’s cafe logo — nothing final, just ideas. think simple, think clear and most importantly–,” his gaze swept the room, landing on a few nervous students, “-think something i won’t throw in the trash immediately.” a wave of laughter and a few groans echoed throughout the room along with chairs scraping and stools shifting.
you and yangyang didn’t even need to look at each other. it was automatic — you were a package deal. he angled himself towards you, already doodling a goofy smiley face in the corner like he owned the space.
“guess it’s us,” he said, teasing.
“like it was ever going to be anyone else,” you shot back, leaning over to draw another smiley beside his. he snorted softly, the tension in his shoulders easing for the first time that morning. but before he could completely fall into it, shadows fell across your table.
“hey guys,” a familiar voice said. you froze mid-scribble. renjun stood there, love right beside him, her hand brushing his sleeve like it always seemed to do these days. both of them were looking at you and yangyang with polite expressions as if this made perfect sense, as if nothing happened and everything was completely like the way it was before.
“looks like everyone else is already grouped up,” renjun explained, careful, almost apologetic, “mind if we join?”
yangyang’s smile flickered for half a second, the mask threatening to slip, but he caught it just in time. by the time he looked up, it was firmly in place again, “sure,” he said lightly, with a shrug that cost him more than he’d admit. you, however, weren’t nearly as composed. your pencil pressed hard enough against the page it nearly snapped. you forced your lips into a thin line, offering a curt nod that was more grit than grace.
renjun slid into the seat across from yangyang, love sat beside him, right across from you, her gaze flickering to yangyang for a fleeting second, soft and unreadable, before she looked away. yangyang leaned back in his chair, drumming his pen against his notebook like it was just another tuesday. but you knew better.
renjun set his sketchpad down, pencil already moving with the quiet focus he always had. beside him, love leaned over to peek at his lines, her laugh spilling soft and easy when he drew a messy curve. she nudged his elbow, teasing and he caught her wrist in that causal, familiar way. the kind that made yangyang’s stomach twist even if his smile didn’t falter. you had gone still, brush in hand, staring at the blank paper in front of you. yangyang nudged you lightly with his knee again, a silent reminder. play nice. you forced yourself to dip into the paint, sketching out rough shapes.
“so,” love said, tone bright, “maybe something with a coffee cup? simple lines, but kind of cozy?”
renjun nodded immediately, “yeah, and maybe we add steam that curls into letters — N C T U. what do you guys think?”
yangyang tapped his pencil against his page, pretending to consider it, “not bad,” he said lightly, “cozy but still sharp. professor yuta might actually not throw it away.”
renjun laughed under his breath, love’s shoulder brushing his as she leaned closer. the sound of it — soft, unguarded, theirs — filled the small silence that fell over your half of the table. you clenched your jaw. picked up your brush. painted one hard, deliberate line that nearly split the page. and before you could stop yourself, the words slipped out—
“god, could you two just…not? we get it. you’re in love. rub it in, why don’t you.”
the brush clattered a little too loudly against the jar of water when you dropped it. silence. renjun froze, pencil hovering midair, his shoulders going rigid. his eyes darted up to you, almost guilty, then quickly away, jaw tightening like he didn’t trust himself to respond. love blinked, caught between shock and guilt, her hand pausing on the page as though she’d forgotten what she was supposed to be doing.
the air went brittle — and then yangyang burst out an awkward laugh, too quick, too loud, too bright. it cracked through the silence like a sparkle burning too hot. “HAHAHA–” he drawled, arm swinging up and draping across your shoulder, pulling you into the curve of his space like it was all just a joke, “she’s kidding guys. don’t mind her. sarcasm’s practically her love language.” his grin was wide, practiced. the kind of grin that screamed easygoing, no harm done, let’s move on. but the weight of his arm pressed heavier than usual and when he turned his head to look at you, the smile didn’t reach his eyes. that pointed look said it all. and you understood what he was trying to say without even saying anything at all — cut it out. stop. please.
you let out a cough, “yeah, kidding,” you murmured, forcing out a fake chuckle. the word tasted bitter but you swallowed it down anyway, for his sake.
the next forty minutes dragged on like hours. renjun kept his comments short, never quite meeting your eyes. love spoke in measured bursts, careful and polite, her laughter gone. you stuck to clipped answers and yangyang….yangyang was everywhere. he cracked dumb jokes, nudged renjun into laughing once or twice, redirected love’s feedback to you with a soft, “hear that? she likes your idea.” every time the tension threatened to snap, he was already there, smiling over the cracks.
by the time professor yuta strolled past to glance at your group’s progress, it looked decent enough — a cozy coffee cup, steam curling into the letters NCTU, framed with warm tones and textured brushstrokes. he hummed approvingly, lingering for a second, “looks good, you four work well together.”
your laugh almost bubbled up at the irony but yangyang beat you to it, “thanks professor,” he said smoothly. perfect smile, perfect tone, like nothing was wrong.
finally, professor yuta clapped his hands together at the front of the room, “time’s up, brushes down. we’ll review the final drafts next class.” the usual post-class chatter buzzed low around the studio. you shoved your brushes into the case a little too hard, movements sharp, clipped. beside you, yangyang was quieter than usual, his tiredness bleeding through. you caught renjun and love laughing softly at something as they packed up. the sound was small, barely there but it crawled under your skin like barbed wire. you could practically feel your blood boil. yangyang noticed them. he always did. and this time, instead of nudging your knee or shooting you that warning look, he just stood — bag slung over his shoulder, eyes forward. he didn’t say goodbye. he just jerked his chin toward the door, a silent let’s go, and slipped out the classroom. you followed, trying to keep up with his pace. but the moment you were far away enough from the art room, he snapped.
“why did you have to act like that?!” yangyang’s voice was sharp, he whirled on you, brows knit tight, anger crackling off him like static, “you couldn’t just let it go for once?!”
you blinked at him, incredulous, heat rushing to your cheeks, “let it go? yang, are you serious right now?” your own voice shot back, louder than you meant, “—i’m sick of them acting like they can just waltz back into your life like nothing happened. like they didn’t—” you stopped, chest heaving, words catching, “—like they didn't rip your heart out!”
his jaw clenched, “you think i don’t know that?”
“then why are you letting them sit across from you like it’s fine?!,” you threw your hands up, protective instinct spilling over into rage, “you’re the one who’s been breaking on my couch for days, yang! and i’m supposed to just…sit there and watch you smile at them like they deserve it?”
“because its not about you!” he snapped back, louder this time. heads turned from students lingering down the hall, the echo of his voice bouncing off the walls. his own voice cracked on the edges, fraying, “it’s my mess. my pain. not yours to fight for!”
the words hit harder than you expected, cutting deeper than you wanted to admit. you were a package deal. you take one, you take the other. you hurt one, you hurt the other. apparently…not — you stood there in the hallway, silence ringing in your ears, chest tight, fists curled at your sides. yangyang dragged a hand through his hair, pacing two steps away like he needed the space to breathe. his shoulders heaved, every inch of him vibrating with that mix of rage and hurt he usually hid under jokes and easy smiles.
and now, he wasn’t just upset with them. he was upset with you.
“not mine to fight for?” you repeated, your voice low now, shaking with the effort of holding yourself together, “don’t you get it? every time you’re hurting, i’m hurting, too,” you stopped, chest heaving, like the words themselves were choking you.
yangyang’s laugh was hollow, ugly, a sound that wasn’t really a laugh at all. “you don’t get it. i don’t need a bodyguard, okay!? i don’t need you storming in like you’re gonna save me. i just need–” he cut himself off, teeth gritted, fists clenching tight, “i just need you to let me handle it.”
your throat burned, “handle it?! yang, all you do is pretend. pretend you’re fine, pretend you’re over it, pretend their smiles don’t cut you in half. you call that handling it?”
he turned on you, eyes blazing, “because if i stop pretending, i’ll fall apart! and i can’t–” his voice cracked, raw and sharp, before he swallowed it down, "i can't be that pathetic.”
the words slammed into you, heavy and unyielding. you wanted to reach for him. to tell him he wasn’t pathetic. to remind him you’d hold every broken piece if he let you — but he was already pulling back, shaking his head like your closeness was the last thing he could stand.
“just…stop.” his voice was quieter now, but it cut all the same, “stop fighting battles that aren’t yours. stop making it harder.”
you stood there, nails biting into your palms, your heart a mess of fury and ache. for a second, you thought about pushing further, about forcing him to see that you weren’t just some bystander in his wreckage. but the way he looked at you — pleading, furious, exhausted — froze you in place. so instead, you let out a bitter laugh, “fine.” the word cracked like glass. “if that’s what you want, then handle it. alone.”
his jaw flexed like he wanted to take it back, like something inside him was tearing. but he didn’t. he just nodded once, curt and turned on his heel. the two of you walked in opposite directions down the hall, footsteps echoing, backs stiff. neither of you looked back. and for the first time since the third grade, yangyang has consciously broken his promise.
🧸 SEPTEMBER 18 - FRIDAY - MR. BEAR
three days. it had been three days since that fight in the hallway. three days since the last time yangyang has spoken to you. three days of passing each other on campus like strangers, of him veering left when you went right, of group chats where his replies skipped right over you like you weren’t even there.
thirteen years of friendship, and never — never — had it gone this long. you’d shared lunch tables, secrets, and late-night video calls. you’d cheered each other through every minor victory, every heartbreak. you’d even applied to the same internship, bending and shifting your choices to make sure you were in each other’s orbit. there was no version of your life in which he wasn’t there. no version where the silence between you stretched out like this. and yet here you were, trapped in a version you hadn’t chosen. like he’d built a wall and left you on the other side.
your apartment felt smaller than ever. you sat cross-legged on your bed, your textbooks splayed open but ignored. no matter how many times you read the same line, your brain refuses to absorb it. all you could think about was yangyang.
the brown, worn-down teddy bear sat propped up against your pillow, it’s button eyes staring. you reached for it, clutching it to your chest, your frustration boiling over “can you believe him, mr. bear?” your voice cracked through the silence, sharp and small all at once. you jabbed a finger at the bear’s stitched face, “he’s actually mad at me? out of all people?!” you pulled the bear back to glare at its faded smile, your voice rising, “i’m the one who’s been there through everything. i’m the one who picked him up when he couldn’t even get out of bed. i’m the one who stayed when she left! and he’s mad at me?” the bear’s head lolled to the side, its seams sagging, like it was tired of listening to all of your secrets. you laughed bitterly, shaking your head, “it’s like–what? he’d rather i sit there quietly while he smiles through the pain? am i supposed to just watch that?!” your throat burned, your eyes stinging. you hugged the bear close, pressing your face into its worn fur, your words muffled against it. “he says it’s not my fight,” you whispered, raw and hoarse, “but if i don’t fight for him, then who will?”
the silence stretched, heavy and unyielding. the old bear didn’t answer. it never did. you glared at it’s worn down eyes, “you’ve seen everything, you know? every meltdown, every dumb heartbreak, every midnight pizza run. and now the silent treatment! he’s so—UGH!”
you didn’t hear the door creak. didn’t notice the smell of pepperoni hit the air, “wow,” came a voice you’d know from anywhere, dripping with mock astonishment, “three days of silence and you’ve officially lost it. yelling at mr. bear? should i be worried?”
your head snapped up. yangyang stood in your bedroom’s doorway, pizza box balanced on one hand, his expression somewhere between smug and fond. your heart lurched so hard you almost dropped the bear, “what the hell are you doing here?”
he stepped inside your bedroom like he owned the place. “fulfilling my promise, i owe you pizza remember,” he waved the box, “figured three days was long enough for you to stop being mad.”
you sat up straighter, arms crossing tight over your chest, heat prickling your cheeks, “i wasn’t talking to mr. bear.”
he smirked, setting the box down on your desk, “yeah, okay, teddy…next thing i know you’ll be asking it for relationship advice.”
“don’t call me that.” you muttered, your pout deepening even as your chest pinched the way it always did when he said it. yangyang just grinned wider, like he’d been waiting to use it again. he dragged your desk chair over, spun it around, and straddled it backward — his usual move when he wanted to make himself comfortable. his eyes flicked from the bear to you, amusement softening into something quieter.
“look,” he started, voice lower now, “i know i was an ass. i shouldn’t have snapped at you in the hall. i just—” he ran a hand through his hair, messing it up even more, “—i don’t want them to know i’m falling apart…it’s…sad and pathetic. not everyone has to see that side of me.”
your heart thudded painfully against your ribs at the honesty in his tone. “you’re not pathetic,” you whispered, “but you’re human, yang…not a fucking robot. so stop acting like one.”
yangyang tilted his head, that crooked smile tugging at the corner of his lips upon hearing his nickname, “so…truce? or do i need to get mr. bear’s approval too?”
you rolled your eyes, lips pursed in a stubborn line, “three days of silence and you just show up with pizza like nothing happened? like that fixes everything?”
yangyang raised his brows, completely unfazed, he rolled the chair closer until your knees brushed, “i mean…yeah? pizza fixes most things. don’t act like it hasn’t worked the last fifty times we’ve fought.”
“that was different,” you huffed, turning your face away, nose wrinkled, “this was the worst fight we’ve ever had. you were an asshole.”
he smirked, tapping his fingers against your chair, “i was. and you’re still sulking about it like a five year old so i guess we’re even.”
you whipped your head back toward him, glaring, “i am not sulking.”
“oh, no?” he leaned forward, tapping a finger against your pout, then gestured at mr. bear, “so you weren’t just yelling at a stuffed toy when i walked in?”
your cheeks heat instantly, but you cross your arms tighter, chin jutting out, “that’s different. he understands me better than you do right now.”
that got him — yangyang laughed, loud and unrestrained, tipping his head back until the chair wobbled dangerously, “wow. replaced by a bear i bought. didn’t see that one coming.”
you refused to smile, even though the corners of your mouth betrayed you by twitching, “you don’t get to joke your way out of this.”
he leaned closer, grin softening but still teasing, “you’re pouting so hard right now i’m shocked your face isn’t stuck like that...c’mon teddy, just admit you missed me.”
your heart pounded again, the proximity dizzying. you swallowed hard, “i didn’t.”
his eyes glinted, unaware of his effect towards you, voice dropping, “you so did.” you groaned, throwing a pillow at him, which he caught one-handed, still laughing.
“— and i missed you too, you know?,” his voice slipped quieter, softer, the grin fading into something that made your heart skip a beat.
you blinked, your pout faltering, “well, you sure had a funny way of showing it. three days, yang. three.”
he winced dramatically, hand over his heart, “trust me, i felt every second. do you know how boring life is without you? i had to actually…listen to hendery’s girl problems.”
a reluctant snort escaped you, but it melted quickly into a sigh, “you deserve worse than that.”
“yeah,” he said quietly, eyes finding yours, the teasing fading into honesty, “i know. and i’m sorry, teddy. for snapping at you. for acting like i didn’t need you. because i do.”
your throat went tight, the stubborn wall you’d been holding up all week cracking in two, “yang—”
“no, let me say it,” his voice broke slightly, softer than you’d heard it in weeks, “you’re the only one who’s been on my side through all of this. and i…i took it out on you. that was messed up. you didn’t deserve that.”
you swallowed hard, “i only snapped because i care,” you say, voice shaky but firm, “seeing you pretend like you’re fine when i know you’re not—it drives me crazy. i can’t just sit back and watch them hurt you. i’m not as nice as you are.”
yangyang moved onto the bed, even closer now, his usual cocky grin nowhere in sight. just him, raw and open, “i know. and i’m sorry for making you feel like it wasn’t your place. it is. you’ve always been my place.”
your heart slammed against your ribs so hard it hurt. he didn’t mean it the way you wanted him to. you knew that. but the words still stole your breath.
“god, you’re such a dummy,” you whispered, rolling your eyes playfully to hide the blush that was forming on the apple of your cheeks.
he smiled faintly, hand reaching out to nudge the bear against your arm, “yeah, but i’m your dummy, right?”
you let out a shaky laugh, finally leaning into him, into that familiar warmth you’d missed so much, “yeah. you are.” and when his arm curled around you, pulling you against his chest, your pulse went wild. to him, it was comfort. to you, it was everything.
“i’m sorry, too,” you murmured into his shirt, the words muffled but certain.
“don’t worry about it,” he whispered back, pressing his cheek into your hair, “no more silent treatments. ever.”
you hummed, forcing yourself to sound steady even as your heart thudded erratically. “agreed. now let’s eat the pizza before it gets cold,” you finally pried open the pizza box, the smell of melted cheese filling the room, sharp and comforting all at once. yangyang reached over immediately, snatching the biggest slice like it belonged to him by right.
“hey!” you protested, swatting at his wrist.
he smirked around a mouthful of cheese, “what? you need to be faster next time.” rolling your eyes, you grabbed your own slice, too hungry to argue properly. the only sounds were chewing and the occasional crunch of crust, the tension finally bleeding out of the room. when the last of the pizza was gone, you leaned back against the headboard, full and sleepy, mr. bear perched loyally at your side. yangyang stretched out with a groan, flopping back across your bed like he owned the whole thing.
“ugh, i swear, no one makes better pizza than that place,” he said, one hand resting over his stomach, eyes drifting shut.
you gave him a look, “you’re literally about to pass out, aren’t you?”
he cracked one eye open, a lazy grin tugging at his lips, “maybe. this bed’s comfier than mine anyway.”
your heart gave that stupid lurch again. “you can’t just fall asleep here,” you muttered, though your voice lacked conviction.
“why not?” he asked, already burrowing into your blanket like a cat, “we used to do this all the time. remember middle school? after movie marathons? or those all nighters we pulled in senior year?”
of course you remembered. you remembered every one. the sleepovers only stopped when you had your first boyfriend in first year. then was put on hold again when yangyang was dating love. you hesitated, then sighed, scooting down beside him, “fine. but you’re on blanket-sharing probation. you hog it every time.”
“pfft,” he scoffed, already tugging the comforter toward himself, “you’re just bad at blanket defense.”
you rolled your eyes again but didn’t argue, curling up with mr. bear clutched against you. a quiet settled over the room, not the brittle, painful silence of the past three days, but the warm, comfortable kind that wrapped around like the blanket you were reluctantly sharing. your pulse thrummed as yangyang shifted closer, his arm draping over your stomach in that absent, thoughtless way he always did when sleep tugged at him. your body tensed instantly, your heart hammering loud enough you were sure he could hear it. but he didn’t. of course he didn’t. yangyang’s breathing evened out within minutes, his forehead brushing the side of your hair as he slipped under, blissfully unaware of the way every inch of you was burning at the contact. you stared at the wall, hugging mr. bear tighter, trying to steady your racing heartbeat. eventually, exhaustion pulled at your own limbs and you let your eyes close, letting yourself sink into the warmth of him. the last thing you heard before sleep claimed you was his soft, steady breathing — familiar, safe, home. and just like that, the old routine returned. the fight, the silence, the ache — it all melted into the simple truth of where you belonged — pressed against him, even if he’d never know what it truly meant for you.
🧸 SEPTEMBER 20 - SUNDAY - SHOTARO.
sunday evening. 6PM. you needed a release — some way to get yangyang out of your head because the last week had been chaotic. the endless rants, the cuddling, the hallway fight, the silent treatment. you couldn’t even sit through a single class without thinking about him. your frustration needed an outlet, and you knew exactly where to turn. you grabbed your phone, texting the one person that was easy. no pleasantries. no teasing. just a blunt:
y/n: u busy?
shotaro: be there in 5
shotaro arrived just like that. the one person who never asked for explanations. no cuddling afterward, no holding, no lingering — just pure release. as soon as the door shut behind him, your hands were on him, pulling him into your bedroom. clothes became a nuisance, tossed carelessly to your bedroom floor. he was underneath you in seconds, hands and lips working in tandem. you straddled him, letting the heat build, letting the frustration and longing you’d been bottling for yangyang spill out.
“god, is this about yangyang again?” shotaro murmured against your skin, teasing in that familiar, knowing way.
“don’t say his name.” you sneered, as you grabbed a condom from your night stand and handed it to him. he wrapped his member with ease, smirking up at you with a teasing grin. you groaned, eyes squeezing shut, “don’t look at me like that…just…fuck me.”
his grin widened, sharp and wicked, before he grabbed your hips and sunk you down. the stretch burned, the ache was sharp but it was exactly what you needed. you rode him, let the world shrink down to skin, heat and sweat. no words, no names, just sex. he whispered little taunts under his breath, teasing you for your obvious crush, obvious to everyone except your best friend himself, but it only made you grind harder, your mind too scattered, too desperate to focus on anything else.
“fuck,” shotaro groaned, his hands gripping your thighs, watching the way your body moved against him, “you’re always so tight when you’re wound up like this.” you didn’t answer, just rode him harder, chasing the friction, chasing the distraction. your hair fell into your face, your chest heaving, nails biting into his shoulders as you moved. shotaro chuckled, low and teasing, “why don’t you just tell him? save yourself the—agh—trouble of coming to me every time you get worked up over your best friend.”
“shut up,” you moaned, slamming down harder on him, chasing the sharp crack of pleasure, “i didn’t call you here for advice, i called you here for dick.”
he laughed amusedly, “say less.” and in one quick motion, he flipped you onto your back, pinning your wrists above your head with one hand, driving into you deep, fast, relentless. the shift knocked the breath out of you, a cry tearing from your throat. “this what you needed?” shotaro’s voice was ragged now, his mouth brushing your ear as he thrust harder, rougher, "something to get him out of your head?”
“fuck—fuck, just like that—fuck me—just fuck me—” you arched beneath him, words breaking into high-pitched moans, nails dragging down his back. the rhythm was sharp, unforgiving, each thrust grounding you in the heat of now, pulling you further and further from the ache that had been gnawing at you all week.
•ᴥ•
yangyang let himself into your apartment, unannounced, like he had been doing for the past month, ever since you gave him the code to your door. it was supposed to be like always — raid your fridge, sprawl on your couch, crash out about the same things over and over again until he gets tired enough and falls asleep. but halfway to your bedroom, he froze. the sound hit him like a slap — your voice, high and breathless, tangled in sharp moans. the wet rhythm of skin slapping against skin, faster, harder. the kind of noises he shouldn’t be hearing coming out from you.
“…fuck me—just fuck me—”
his stomach dropped. his brain short-circuited. he should leave. god, he should leave. but his feet stayed rooted, his chest tight, his throat dry. he couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stop hearing you. the words punched through him and then the answering growl from a man he didn’t recognize. deep. smug. taking you apart. he staggered back, heart racing, palms sweaty. he couldn’t go closer. but he also couldn’t bring himself to walk out. so he dropped into your couch instead, head in his hands, staring blankly at the dark t.v. screen. the sounds from your room carried — every moan, every gasp, every filthy slap of skin against skin. they painted pictures in his head he’d never once let himself imagine. pictures that had his cock twitching, heat pooling low in his gut before he even realized it.
“shit,” he whispered under his breath, shifting uncomfortably. but nothing helped. every noise made it worse — you’d always been his best friend. his constant. he’d never thought about you like this, not once. and now all he could think about was what your face looked like when you cried out, what your body looked like under someone else’s hands. he sat there, trapped, every muscle locked tight, his heart thundering out of control. listening as another man fucked you in a room he’d wandered into a thousand times before.
•ᴥ•
you came undone with a gasp, fingers digging into shotaro’s shoulders as his hips snapped up one last time. he groaned, body tensing before spilling into the condom, the both of you collapsing into the sheets at the same time. for a moment, the only sound was heavy breathing. then, as always, the spell broke. no kisses. no cuddles. no gentle aftermath. just silence and the faint, sweat-slick smell of sex. you pulled the hem of your oversized t-shirt, you’re sure is yangyang’s, letting it fall just enough to cover your thighs, “get out,” you muttered, already reaching for the water bottle by your nightstand.
shotaro just laughed, eyes crinkling with that easy expression he always had, “efficient as ever,” he rolled out of bed, tugging his cargo pants up without a care, “but damn…worth it.”
a few minutes later, shotaro padded out of your bedroom, running a hand through his already misheveled hair. you didn’t bother walking him out the door, staying rooted at the ede of your bed. but the second he stepped into your living room, he froze.
“uh…hi,” yangyang blurted, voice loud enough to snap you right back into your body.
“yang?” you stumbled out of your bedroom and into the living room, in nothing but your best friend's shirt and your blue underwear, heart leaping into your throat, “what are you doing here?”
he stuttered immediately, eyes wide, trying to ignore the fact that you’re wearing his shirt, “i—i just got here, i’ll just, uhm go—“
shotaro, completely unfazed and clearly enjoying the tension, cut in smoothly as he headed towards your door, “no worries, man. i was already on my way out.”
the casual tone, the little smirk on his face, the way yangyang’s ears burned bright red made the air between you sharp, electric, almost unbearable. and then the door clicked shut behind your fuck buddy.
for a second, the apartment was too quiet. just you. just yangyang. just the faint scent of sex lingering and his oversized t-shirt clinging to your skin. yangyang leaned back into your couch cushions, smirking like he had the upper hand, though his posture screamed otherwise. you could tell he was trying to look casual but the way he shifted, one of your throw pillows clutched across his lap, gave him away.
“so…” he drawled, lips twitching, “you and shotaro, huh?”
“shut up,” you shot him a glare but he only laughed.
you marched past him toward the kitchen, snatching up the abandoned empty pizza box you still needed to throw out, just to have something to do with your hands, “we just fuck sometimes. that’s it. don’t make it a big deal.”
yangyang let out a low whistle, rocking forward on the couch, “damn. my best friend’s got a whole secret sex life i didn’t know about.” his eyes sparkled with mischief, “kinda proud, teddy. lowkey impressed you snatched mr. dancing machine.”
you shot him a look sharp enough to cut glass, “i should’ve never given you the code to my door. you muttered, tossing the crumpled pizza box into the trash with a little too much force.
when you turned back, you caught him shifting uncomfortably, one of your throw pillows suddenly clutched across his lap. he tries to play it off, “what? no way. best gift you ever gave me. unlimited therapy session. plus i get to waltz in whenever i want. it’s like—“ he made a sweeping gesture, pillow still in place, “a VIP membership to your life.”
“yeah, a VIP membership to walk in on things you really shouldn’t,” you shot back, raising a brow.
he groaned, tipping his head back against the couch dramatically, “okay fair, but how was i supposed to know you’d be…you know…” he waved vaguely in the direction of your bedroom, like he could erase the memory with a gesture.
you crossed your arms, trying not to grin too much, “that’s why next time, maybe text first?”
you couldn’t help but notice how tightly he was clutching your throw pillow, fingers digging in like he was holding on for dear life. the fabric stretched under his knuckles and the way his arm trembled slightly didn’t escape your attention. “yang…” you said, tilting your head, voice playful but pointed, “why are you gripping my pillow like that?
he froze instantly, the pillow almost molded to the shape of his hand and a faint flush crept up his neck, “i-i’m not…” his voice trailed off and he shifted awkwardly on the couch, trying to loosen his grip without actually letting go.
“mhmm,” you crossed your arms, smirking despite your own heart hammering in your chest as you stepped closer, “—that’s a very relaxed way to hold a pillow, don’t you think?”
his jaw tightened, eyes darting away, but the tension radiating off him was impossible to ignore, “i-it’s just comfortable,” he muttered, still holding the pillow like it was shielding him from the world.
you laughed softly, crossing your arms, pretending to inspect him critically, “i see everything, you know. every little thing you try to hide,” you said, voice teasing, eyes sparkling as you let your words hang in the air.
his ears burned bright red, a mix of exasperation and embarrassment in his expression, “shut up,” he muttered. you walked over and with one swift motion, you yanked the pillow out of his grip before he could stop you. the second it left his hands, you caught the undeniable confirmation — the hard outline pressed against his sweats. your jaw dropped, then you burst into uncontrollable laughter, clutching your stomach, “you did not seriously get a boner over that. are you a teenager?!,” you gasped between laughter, pointing at him.
yangyang’s face blazed, “can you really blame me? that was like…audio porn!”
you laughed even harder, slapping your knees, unable to believe what you were seeing. he scowled for a moment, then suddenly lunged at you, toppling you backward onto the couch, “okay, you asked for this!,” he declared. the tickle fight that followed left you squealing, squirming beneath him, his hands grabbing at your sides and ribs, laughter spilling out of both of you. but as your bodies pressed together in the struggle, you felt it — the hard, unmistakable heat of him pressing right against the thin cotton of your panties.
yangyang froze for a split second, his eyes wide as he realized you might feel it too. the laughter caught in your throat, replaced by a sharp inhale. both of you were suddenly hyper-aware of just how wrong it was to be half-naked and ridiculously turned on while pretending to have a childish tickle fight. the room feeling heavy and charged —playfulness collapsing into something dangerous.
yangyang cleared his throat and rolled off you like the couch had burned him. you scrambled upright, tugging the hem of his shirt lower, refusing to meet his eyes. the silence was unbearable. so you reached for the remote and flicked the t.v. on. you curled up at the far end of the couch, he leaned against the opposite armrest, still flushed, the pillow back on his lap, pretending to look interested in whatever nonsense flashed on screen. but you could feel the weight of him. the silence between you wasn’t just awkward, it was suffocating. finally, desperate to cut through it, you risked a sideways glance at him and muttered, “...do you, uh…need help with that?”
yangyang’s head whipped towards you, eyes blown wide, like you’d just detonated a bomb in the middle of the room. his lips parted, no words at first. color rushed up his neck, burning his ears. he scoffed weakly, shaking his head, “you’re joking.”
were you? you weren’t even sure. you’d do anything for him if he asked. but of course, he didn’t need to know that.
“of course, i’m joking,” you forced out a teasing grin, leaning back against the cushions, “go to my bathroom and take care of it.”
he groaned, rolling his eyes and threw the pillow at you, “shut up. let’s just…talk about something else and it’ll go away.”
you tossed the pillow aside, smirking, “okay, what do you want to talk about?”
he cleared his throat, clearly grateful for the subject change, though his voice was still rough at the edges. his mind wandered back to the real reason he’d come over in the first place. “i saw them again today,” he started, eyes fixed on the t.v. though he wasn’t really watching. you sighed, sinking back into your side of the couch, already bracing yourself for another one of his renjun and love venting sessions.
•ᴥ•
later that evening, when yangyang shut the door to his room and collapsed onto his bed, it all came rushing back — the sound of your moans, the sight of you in his shirt, the feel of your body warm beneath his. and then your voice, low and teasing, brushing the edges of something dangerous.
“...do you, uh…need help with that?”
what if he’d said yes? would you really have done it? would you have dropped to your knees for him, lips wrapping around his cock, swallowing every ragged sound he’d make? the thought made his whole body tense, his cock throbbing so hard it hurt. a groan tore out of his chest as his hand slipped beneath his waistband, wrapping around himself. he was already leaking, already too far gone from hours of being so fucking hard. his strokes were rough, fast, chasing that impossible image of you — your mouth stretched around him, eyes flicking up, smug and playful even as you hollowed your cheeks. the more he pictured it, the more unbearable it became, until his hips were snapping into his fist, muscles drawn tight as wire. heat coiled sharp and low before it snapped all at once, spilling across his stomach in thick, messy ropes. his head tipped back against the pillow with a guttural curse, relief hitting so hard his thighs trembled.
all he could do was breathe. and when his chest finally slowed, as the sweat cooled on his skin, the guilt crept in — he stared at the ceiling, jaw tight, trying to shove the images away, trying to convince himself it didn’t matter. that it didn’t mean anything. that he was just pent up, just needed a release. that it wasn’t about you.
he wiped his hand on a tissue, tossing it blindly toward the trash and dragged both palms over his face. never again. he told himself. this can’t happen again. because you were his best friend. the one person he could be stupid with, unfiltered with. the one person he trusted more than anyone. he couldn’t let a few reckless urges ruin thirteen years of friendship. he wouldn’t. he swore it to himself, jaw set tight in the dark. she’s my best friend, he thought. that’s all she is. that’s all she can be. but even as the words repeated in his head, he felt how flimsy they were. like paper trying to hold back a flood. because even as exhaustion pulled him under, the realization hit him hard. for the first time in weeks, the thought of you had replaced the thought of her.
not his ex. not the best friend who broke his heart.
just you.
and somehow, that terrified him more than anything else.
🧸 SEPTEMBER 22 - TUESDAY - JEALOUSY.
it had only been a week since the four of you last sat in this class together. a week wasn’t long. the classroom hadn’t changed. the paint-splattered stools, the faint smell of paint, the hum of pencils scratching against sketchbooks.
but yangyang felt completely different.
a week ago, all he could see was them – renjun and love. sitting just a few feet away, whispering into each other’s ears, trading smiles so soft they might as well have been knives. watching them had been torture. watching them had cracked him open, ripped at his scars until they burned fresh again.
but now…now all he could think about was you.
you, sitting right beside him, bent over your sketchpad as you finalized the outlines for the cafe’s logo. the brush of your arm against his, the warmth of your thigh grazing his under the table — it was all suddenly unbearable. at one point you leaned just slightly closer to point out something on your paper and yangyang swore he forgot how to breathe. a week ago, this wouldn’t have registered. he would've been too wrapped up in heartbreak, in hating how much renjun and love looked like the perfect pair. but today, his focus had shifted. things he never noticed before, things he brushed off as meaningless, now had his pulse stuttering in his veins. every laugh you let slip, every time you slapped his thigh when the laughter was too much to hold in, every absentminded brush of your fingers against his, every small, careless detail of your presence, every innocent point of contact — felt like a jolt to his system.
renjun slid his sketchpad forward, tapping his pencil against the rim of the drawn coffee cup, “i added a little more detail to the cup,” he explained, casual but confident, “just to highlight the main focus.”
you leaned in to look, lips curling into something polite and careful, “that’s actually really nice,” you said, your tone smooth, deliberate, “the way you shaded the curve makes it look sharper. good detail.”
you were playing nice. yangyang knew it. he was the one who begged you to not make things harder and you were just doing exactly what he wished for. but now — all yangyang heard was the softness in your voice when you praised renjun, all he saw was the way you leaned in to look closer. his hand froze mid-stroke, pencil hovering above his page. his thoughts consuming him. why do you have to lean in like that? why do you sound so impressed when you talk to him? jealousy burned in his gut, hot and sour. his ex-girlfriend had already chosen renjun over him. would you, too?
renjun looked between the two of you, then casually asked, “what do you think, yang? too much shading?”
yangyang blinked, yanked back to the conversation. “yeah. probably. it’s a little overdone.” his voice was sharper than he meant it to be, his pencil pressing too hard against his own page.
renjun frowned, looking at his sketch. “i was just trying to—”
“—make it perfect, i know,” yangyang cut in quickly, forcing a laugh that didn’t land, “classic renjun, mr. detail.”
you shifted slightly, glancing at him out of the corner of your eye. not a word — just a look he understood immediately. the one that asked, what’s wrong with you?
then you looked at renjun, muttering out an encouraging, “i like it. don’t listen to yangyang.” before redirecting your gaze back to your best friend, searching for answers. finally, he shook his head, sharp and small, and when he didn’t elaborate, you exhaled softly and turned back to the page.
yangyang forced his pencil back to the paper but the jealousy didn’t fade. class went on. renjun and love whispered to each other across from him, trading notes and soft smiles, while yangyang continued to sit stiff beside you, pretending to sketch. every time you leaned forward to ask renjun a question or murmured something polite, his chest tightened, green burning under his ribs. he didn’t say a word though. just let it fester, chewing on the inside of his cheek until class finally ended.
the four of you packed up. renjun and love left first. you slung your bag over your shoulder, waiting for yangyang to grab his things. it wasn’t until you stepped out into the hallway, the classroom door swinging shut behind you, that he finally spoke, “you were being awfully nice,” he said, low, almost casual but not really.
you blinked, glancing sideways at him, “huh?”
he shrugged, eyes fixed forward, like it was no big deal, “to them. to renjun.”
your brow furrowed, piecing the pieces together, “okay, wait—” you stopped walking, forcing him to stop too, “so, let me get this straight. last week you literally ignored me for being mean to them and now you’re mad that i’m nice?”
yangyang’s jaw clenched. he didn’t have a good answer and he knew it, “i’m not mad.”
you scoffed, “you sound mad.”
“i’m not,” he insisted, sharper this time. but his voice cracked halfway through, betraying him.
your eyes narrowed, “then what is it?”
his jaw tightened, “nothing.”
you folded your arms, not letting him off that easy, “bullshit. you’ve been sulking since renjun showed his sketch. so go on…say it. what’s actually bothering you?”
yangyang looked at you then, finally meeting your eyes and for a split second something raw flickered there. but just as quickly, he shoved it down. “it’s just—” he faltered, then forced a laugh. “you don’t have to praise him like he’s picasso, okay? it’s just a coffee cup.”
you stared at him, incredulous, “that’s what this is about? you’re jealous over…shading?”
his ears went red, “i’m not jealous.”
you raised a brow, “right. whatever you say.”
he groaned, dragging a hand down his face, “god, you’re impossible.”
“and you’re ridiculous!” you shot back, but softer now, playful. you sighed, letting your arms drop, “i was just trying to do what you asked me to do. be nice. keep the peace.”
that silenced him. his throat bobbed as he swallowed, guilt flashing across his expression before he shoved it away again. for a moment, neither of you said anything. the hallway buzzed faintly with other students passing by but between you two, the tension pressed thick and heavy.
yangyang finally muttered, barely audible, “yeah…i know. i just…don’t like it.”
you blinked at him, then let out a short laugh before a smirk took over your face, casual, easy, “relax. i’m not about to run off and join their little lovefest. you’re stuck with me, dummy.”
that tugged a reluctant chuckled out of him, low and quiet, but enough to soften the edges of his jealousy. the two of you walked on, the tension easing into something familiar again – banter layered over the unsaid, like always.
🧸 SEPTEMBER 25 - FRIDAY - SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN.
the bass downstairs rattles the floorboards, the whole riize frat house alive with drunk laughter and chants. someone’s passed you a red solo cup that’s been refilled too many times already and your head is pleasantly fuzzy, heart beating too fast in your chest. you hadn’t planned to be here. you only came because yangyang dragged you, promising “just one beer, chill night, we’ll leave early.” but somehow just one beer became just one shot and then just one more until you were giggling against the upstairs hallway wall, watching couples stumble into a closet as the next victims of seven minutes in heaven.
you’d been content to watch — until shotaro, grinning at you like the devil he is, suddenly points right at you, “yo, i nominate them,” he says, voice carrying over the cheers, “our favorite besties! yangyang and y/n!” he smirks, saying your name with way too much glee. the crowd roars. your stomach drops. and if looks could kill, shotaro would be five feet under while you fake cry with a bouquet in your hand.
yangyang laughs it off at first, waving them away, “nah, nah, pick someone else—”
but his refusal only made the chants louder, “YANGYANG! Y/N! YANYANG! Y/N!”
then shotaro delivers the killing blow, “if they don’t at least make out, they gotta streak from this room all the way to pool. naked. right now.” yeah, you were about ready to book his funeral date.
the crowd erupts even louder. someone pounds on the closet door for emphasis. you glance at yangyang, mortified. his cheeks are already pink from the alcohol but the flush deepens as his eyes meet yours. yanyang lets out a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of hic neck, “guess we’re screwed, huh?”
before you can argue, hands are on your backs, shoving you both into the closet. the door slams and the lock clicks. the crowd outside starts a countdown, muffled through the wood but relentless, “SEVEN! MINUTES! IN! HEAVEN!”
the closet is pitch dark, the smell of coats and cologne hanging in the air. yangyang stumbles into you, shoulder knocking yours, both of you giggling awkwardly. the sound dies fast. something about being trapped in this tiny closet, being this close, hits you hard. he exhales, voice low, trying to keep it light, “okay, so…either we streak naked in front of like, half the frat…” his pause is long, deliberate, “or…we make out.”
your heart lurches, all those times you’ve been at your best behavior, trying not to ruin your friendship, trying to keep your feelings at bay, just for it to crumble down over a silly little party game. you scoff, trying to keep his light tone, “i’m never letting you drag me into a party again.”
outside, someone yells, “WE’RE LISTENING!," followed by laughter.
yangyang curses under his breath, hiding his own nerves under a giggle. then, after a beat, he adds, softer, almost testing, “honestly? i’d rather kiss you than have our nudes all over social media.” you couldn’t argue with that. plus you had more to lose than he did. the seconds stretch, your pulse thundering in your ears. and then yangyang moves, slowly, his hand brushing your wrist like he’s asking permission.
“you cool with it?”
“yeah,” you whispered, hoping he doesn’t catch the way your voice shook or the way your heart is pounding so loud you could barely hear the roar of cheers outside.
and before you could even register what was happening, he softly tilted you towards him, a finger under your chin — lips on yours in a soft, slow kiss, tasting faintly of beer and hesitation. it lasted five total seconds before you pulled back an inch, breathless. he did too. for a suspended moment, it was just the sound of your heavy breathing. then, as if drawn by the same thought — you both leaned in again. at the same time. firmer this time. mouths slotting together in a rush that felt inevitable. the longer it lasts, the less funny it becomes. his hand slides to your waist, tugging you closer in the tight space. your fingers fisted in the front of his shirt. the kiss grew hungrier, teeth clashing a little, tongues tangling in a way that made your knees week and a whine slip from your lips.
“OH THEY’RE DEFINITELY DOING SOMETHING!,” someone yelled from outside.
yangyang chuckled against your mouth, lips trailing dangerously close to your ear. his breath was hot, his whisper meant only for you, “guess we should give them what they want, huh?” he kissed down your jaw, lingering at your neck until a moan slipped out of you before you could control it. the crowd howled like they’d just won a prize. minutes blurred, heat and alcohol tangling until you weren’t sure where your laughter ended and your moans began. the world outside blurred into static as your world narrows to yangyang’s lips moving hungrily against yours, body flushed, fingers digging into his hair like you've been waiting years for this. which, technically, you have.
by the time someone outside banged on the door and shouted, “TIME’S UP!” you were both panting, clothes rumpled, lips swollen.
yangyang leaned his head back against the wall, laughing breathlessly, eyes gleaming even in the dark, “think we bought ourselves out of streaking duty?”
you couldn’t even answer, too busy catching your breath. his thumb brushed your lower lip, almost absent-mindedly, wiping away your smudged lipstick, like now that he’s touched you like this he could no longer stop.
the lock clicked, the door swung open, and the roar of the party came crashing in. everyone’s faces lit up at the sight of you two flushed and disheveled, shotaro looking prouder than usual. someone even shouted, “DAMN, THEY WENT IN ON EACH OTHER!”
your face burned. yangyang just slung an arm around your shoulders, calm and collected, like nothing happened, grinning lazily, “relax,” he murmured in your ear, sensing your embarrassment as if you weren’t both flushed and rumpled, “we just won the game.” you rolled your eyes, forcing a laugh but your pulse was still racing. the crowd quickly lost interest, moving on to drag their next victims towards the closet while you and yangyang slipped back into the swarm of bodies downstairs. the bass was heavier here, lights flashing orange and white across sweaty faces. yangyang steered you toward the kitchen, “shots?”
you looked at the alcohol like it hasn’t already gotten you in enough trouble for the night, “definitely.” the two of you lined up side by side at the counter, tossing them back one after the other. the tequila burned but it was better than the heat still lingering on your lips. better than the way your chest tightened every time you remembered how’d he pressed you against the closet wall.
you both laughed too loudly, moved too quickly, like if you just kept pouring and swallowing, you could wash away the last seven minutes. back in the living room, ningning pulled you onto the dance floor. yangyang followed instantly, a goofy grin plastered on his face, body moving to the beat with exaggerated moves. you bumped shoulders, trying so hard to act like it was just another party. just another night with your best friend. but every time his hand brushed your waist in the chaos, the memory of his mouth on yours came roaring back. so you drowned it in another shot. and another. and another.
yangyang mirrored you drink for drink, laughing, joking, throwing his head back like nothing in the world had changed. you didn’t notice the way his smile would falter in the moments between — how his gaze would drop to your lips before he tore it away, burying it in the crowd, the music, the liquor.
neither of you could stop drinking, like the burn in your throats was easier to handle than the fire that had just set between you.
•ᴥ•
the party was still raging when you and yangyang finally slipped out, laughter ringing behind you, the smell of alcohol clinging to your clothes. the cool night air hit your cheeks, the two of you stumbling down the sidewalk, drunk giggles bubbling between hiccups of silence.
“my feef hu-urrgh,” you muttered, tripping over a curb.
yangyang caught your elbow, though his own balance was barely steady, “what?” he laughed, blinking hard like it would steady the street spinning under his feet.
“my. feet. hurt.” you repeated slower, enunciating each word like it took every ounce of concentration.
that only made him double over with laughter, his arm looping around your shoulders just to keep the both of you upright. you clung to him, laughing so hard your ribs ached. every step was a stumble, every laugh another collapsed into each other’s sides, until the two of you were gasping for air like idiots. by the time you made it up the stairs to your apartment, your faces ache from laughing. at what? neither of you even knew anymore. yangyang nearly fell against the keypad, both of you struggling to remember the code while giggling like kids sneaking out past curfew. somehow, you got it in, and the door slammed behind you with a heavy thud. shoes kicked off somewhere near the entryway while you stumbled in tandem through the dark before collapsing in a tangled heap onto your bed, too drunk to care about the lights or the mess. the mattress groaned under the weight, the room spinning in dizzy circles, “a-are we spinning?” you giggled into your pillow.
“yeahhh,” yangyang slurred, rolling onto his back beside you, the mattress dipped, his arm brushing yours, his knee bumping your thigh. neither of you moved away. you turned your head, ready to tease him — only he was right there. closer than you expected. close enough to see the glassy gleam in his eyes, close enough to feel the heat of tequila on his breath. and just like that, the air shifted. the laughter died, choked out by the thud of your heart pounding too fast in your chest. his eyes flicked to your lips, then back to your gaze, lazy but sharp, like he was fighting to decide if he’d imagined what happened earlier.
for one suspended second, you swore the room stopped spinning.
then his lips were on yours again — this time sloppy, desperate, all the tension from the night finally slipping over. the second his hand slid to the back of your head like he’d been starving for this, your body gave in. you gasped into his mouth, the sound swallowed whole as the kiss turned hotter, hungrier, tongues tangling, teeth clashing, both of you desperate enough that precision didn’t matter. his body heat drowned out everything, pulling you in until you were chest to chest. his hands slid under your shirt, fumbling, tugging you on top of him with a growl muffled against your mouth. you straddled him without hesitation, knees sinking into the mattress, fingers fisting the fabric of his hoodie.
somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew you were crossing a line. but with yangyang’s lips moving against yours, breath ragged, hips pressing up into yours — there was no stopping it now.
“fuck,” he groaned, teeth grazing your jaw as his head tipped back, “we shouldn’t—”
“then stop,” you whispered back, dragging your mouth down his throat.
he didn’t. he couldn’t. his hands drag over your waist, clumsy but hungry, pulling your shirt off and tossing it to the side. every brush of his fingers made the blood roar in your ears, making the world tilt. clothes fell away in pieces — his hoodie yanked off, your jeans kicked off the bed. every barrier stripped felt less like a choice and more like inevitability. like this had always been where you were headed. by the time you were both bare, your skin slick against his in the dark — the air was thick with heat and alcohol. and when his hips bucked, the hard press of him against you made your stomach clench. your lips trailed lower, tasting the salt of his skin, kissing down the hard lines of his chest, your hands roaming, desperate to touch everything you’d never let yourself have before tonight. his breath hitched, hips jerking when your lips reached his stomach. and when you finally wrapped your hand around him, hard and heavy against your palm, yangyang’s head tipped back against the pillow, eyes squeezing shut, a hoarse curse tumbling out of his lips, “shit—” he groaned, hips bucking up helplessly. his knuckles went white, twisting in the sheets, his head thrown back, hair sticking damp to his forehead. the first slick drag of your tongue had him gasping, the second had him choking on a broken moan that sounded nothing like the playful, smug best friend you knew.
“you’re—shit—you’re bigger than you look,” you giggled before your lips sucked around his tip, collecting his leaking pre-cum.
he let out a strangled sound, a mix between laughter and a groan, his hips jerking helplessly, “don’t—f-fuck—don’t say that,” his voice cracked, raw and desperate, “god, teddy—shit, don’t stop, please don’t stop—”
the nickname nearly undid you. you sank your lips further down his length, the weight of him hot and heavy on your tongue, until your throat burned and your eyes watered, but you didn’t care. the more you took, the more you wanted. you were dizzy on the taste of him, the way he was begging, the way his thighs trembled around you, the way his hand clutched your hair like it was the only thing tethering him to reality. yangyang’s voice cracked again, hoarse and pleading, “please—please, more—,” his hips jerked like he was trying to fuck your throat, “you’re so—shit—you’re so good at this.”you choked around him and he nearly fell apart, the sound vibrating throughout his body, his voice breaking into a strangled cry as his cock twitched on your tongue, hips jerking harder.
“f-fuck, i’m gonna—,” his voice pitched high, desperate, like he didn’t even want it to end. his free hand fisted in the sheets, pulling them tight. his eyes rolled back, sweat beading at his temple, voice cracking on your name as he broke off in a long, drawn-out whimper, spilling hot into your mouth. you hollowed your cheeks and swallowed him down, drunk off of the way he fell apart for you, whiny and ruined and begging like he’d never known how to beg before.
you were still catching your breath, lips wet and swollen, when yangyang suddenly surged up, his hand gripping your waist. in a messy blur, he flipped you onto your back. your mind way too drunk to catch up, “yang—,” you gasped as his lips closed around your nipple, teeth grazing, tongue dragging clumsy but desperate.
“shut up,” he mumbled against your skin, breath hot, laugh muffled, “y-you think i’m letting you be the only one? fuck no.”
he was sill so drunk. both of you were. but the hunger in the way he mouthed at you didn’t feel dulled — it felt sharpened, frantic. his mouth blazed down your body, leaving sloppy kisses and bite marks until he shoved his shoulders between your knees. the first drag of his tongue had you gasping, head feeling back against the pillow. the second had you crying out, your fingers tangling in his hair.
“yang—ahh—,” the ceiling tilting above you. there was nothing polished about the way he ate you — just raw hunger. he groaned at the taste, pressing deeper, tongue messy, unrestrained, loud slurps, wet sounds, shameless moans that made your whole body shudder, his face buried deep like he couldn’t get close enough.
“holy shitt—you taste—,” his words slurred into nonsense, “—so fucking good—been wanting—god, i’m so—,” he cut himself off with a groan, nose pressing against you as his tongue worked deeper, sloppy and desperate. your thighs trembled, your hips rolling helplessly into his mouth. his grip only tightened, pinning you down, making you take everything he gave you. his hair was damp with sweat under your finger, his own moans muffled against you as he devoured you like he was starving.
“yang—fuck—fuck—,” your back arched, toes curling, the heat in your stomach bulding as his tongue dragged over that perfect spot again and again. you pulled at his hair, desperate for something to anchor yourself to and that only made him shove deeper, his nose bumping your clit as he tongue-fucked you. then two fingers pressed inside you without hesitation, the stretch clumsy but so, so deep, curling until your cry broke sharp and high. every noise he pulled out of you made him groan louder, rutting into the mattress below him. the bed creaked with his pace, each thrust of his fingers matched by his frantic grinding. his cock rock-hard again and leaking all over the sheets but he was too wrecked to care about the mess he was making. not when you were writhing underneath him.
“god, teddy—,” he whined shamelessly, his rhythm stuttering as your walls fluttered around his fingers, he curled them harder, faster, desperate to hear more of your noises, “you’re so hot like this. fuck–please—”
you sobbed out a whine, back arching, nails scraping his scalp and the noise he made was downright wrecked. his hips snapped against the bed, chasing friction, chasing relief. every time you moaned, he whimpered, rutting harder against your bed, smearing precum over your sheets without shame.
“please—please—,” the word tumbled from his lips, incoherent, half begging you to come, half begging himself not to finish again. his tongue lapped around your clit, “you sound so good—taste so good—god, i could—shit—i could do this for hours.
“yangyang—” your voice broke, shivering as his fingers curled impossibly deeper, hitting that spot that made stars burst behind your eyelids.
“say it again,” he gasped against you, tongue moving messier, wetter, more frantic, “please—please say my name—” you screamed it this time, back arching off the mattress — and he broke with it. he moaned loud into you, his release spilling against the sheets as he came undone a second time, grinding into the bed like he couldn’t stop. and he didn’t stop. even as he shuddered, even as his cock twitched against the bed, he kept his fingers pumping, his tongue pressing until your climax hit hard — violent, wracking, tearing a broken cry from your throat as yangyang’s tongue and fingers pushed you over the edge. your whole body arched off the mattress, thighs clamping around his head as you came.
“yang—fuck—i’m—” your voice broke, the rest swallowed in a silent moan as you pulsed around his fingers. heat flooded every nerve, your vision going white at the edges. he drew every last shudder from you, swallowing down your release. when you finally sagged back into bed, chest heaving, your vision swam in dizzy stars. yangyang collapsed against your thigh, face sticky, lips slick with you, hair damp with sweat. his cock softening against the ruined sheets but his body still trembled faintly, spent from his own release.
netiher of you spoke. neither of you could. the alcohol, the mess, the sheer exhaustion weighed down your limbs. you reached blindly for him and he came up without hesitation, dragging himself up onto the bed beside you. the sheets were ruined, sticky with sweat and sex, but neither of you could care. you were too drunk, too spent, too wrapped up in the haze of each other’s bodies. you curled into each other automatically, his arm slung heavy around your waist, your forehead pressed against his chest. and just like that, tangled in the wreckage of your choices, you both slipped under.
🧸 SEPTEMBER 26 - SATURDAY - A MISTAKE.
sunlight cut across your room far too bright for your pounding head. the dryness in your mouth hit first, then the throb behind your eyes and then the heat pressed against you.
you weren’t alone.
the realization landed the same second yangyang stirred. his arm was around your waist. your bare chest flush to his. the sheets clung to your legs, tangled between your bodies. you blinked hard, vision swimming, just as his lashes fluttered open. the moment your eyes locked, sober clarity snapped like a rubber band pulled too tight.
“oh—fuck,” yangyang rasped, voice hoarse, eyes wide as he jerked back, only to freeze when he realized he was still naked under your sheets. your stomach plummeted. the pounding in your head drowned out by a harder, colder pulse of panic. you scrambled upright, dragging the blanket against your chest like it could erase the way his skin had been on yours just seconds ago. the silence was deafening. both of you breathing too fast, too shallow. both of you remembering at the same time — the shots, the laughter, the way you’d stumbled into bed together, into each other. the way you’d stripped and kissed each other down.
neither of you could take it back.
yangyang shoved a hand through his hair, cursing under his breath, his voice cracked around the word, “shit. shit. we—”
you cut in, voice sharper than you meant, “yeah, i know what we did.”
the air between you was heavy, thick, everything unsaid pressing down until it felt suffocating. he looked away first, jaw tight, muttering, “we were drunk. it…it didn’t mean anything.”
your chest constricted like he’d punched straight through it. a wake up call. a reminder of the thing you already knew deep down — the boy you’re in love with will never love you back. not in the way you want him to. that last night, to him, was nothing but a blurred mistake in a series of poor decisions. your pulse roared in your ears, but you forced your face blank, forced the words out even though they scraped your throat raw, “right,” you said quickly, too quickly, “it doesn’t mean anything. we were drunk.” you repeat his words, your laugh coming out hollow, brittle, a poor imitation of casual. you clutched the blanket tighter around yourself as if it could hold together the pieces of you splintering from the inside out.
yangyang let out a shaky exhale, his shoulders dropping, some flicker of relief passing across his features, “yeah. exactly. just…a mistake. we’ll forget it.”
a mistake. the word lodged in your chest like glass, sharp and cruel. you nodded anyway because what else could you do? admit you’re in love with him? admit that last night hadn’t felt like a mistake at all? that even drunk, it was the only thing that ever felt real? no. you couldn’t ruin thirteen years of friendship for something he wanted to forget. so you swallowed it down.
the burn of tequila was nothing compared to the ache of swallowing this truth.
“yeah,” you whispered, eyes fixed anywhere but him, “forget it.”
the silence stretched, unbearable, until it felt like the walls were closing in. he moved first, movements hurried, clumsy, as he shoved one leg into his jeans, then the other. his hands shook as he yanked the zipper, as he searched your floor for his hoodie. you sat frozen on the bed, nails digging crescents into your palm beneath the blanket. your body screamed to move, to say something, anything, but you stayed still like a statue.
he didn't look at you when he finally muttered, voice low, “i’ll see you later.” the door clicked shut behind him. and only then, when you were finally alone, did the first crack in your facade give way. your shoulders sagged. the tears you’d been biting back stung hot at the corners of your eyes, spilling silently down your cheeks as your curled into yourself on the bed that still smelled like the remnants of last night. the sheets clung damp to your skin. his warmth lingered like a ghost in the mattress. you pressed your face into the pillow, muffling the sob that tore its way out. the taste of last night still lingering on your tongue.
🧸 SEPTEMBER 28 - MONDAY - THE OBVIOUS.
yangyang couldn’t stop replaying it. the taste of your lips, the heat of your body, the way your laughter had broken into a moan in the dark. images of you flashing and consuming every waking thought he had. and then — yesterday. the look in your eyes. the word mistake. he told himself it was fine. you were fine. best friends go through shit and move on. but every time he tried to focus, the memory pressed harder, suffocating, until he felt like he was choking on the silence he brought upon himself. and the worst part? he couldn’t even talk to you about it. the one person he usually ran to when shit like this happens.
so he ended up standing outside the dream fraternity house, hands stuffed in his hoodie pocket, debating whether this was the dumbest idea of his life. the door creaked open before he could knock. jeno gave him a curious once-over, one eyebrow arched, before jerking his head inside, “renjun’s upstairs.” yangyang muttered a thanks, his throat dry — he found renjun hunched over his desk, sketchbook open, pencil tapping. the same renjun he’d been avoiding for weeks. the same renjun who had once been closer than a brother before everything fell apart. now here he was. because despite it all, renjun was the next person who would understand him.
renjun’s gaze lifted, sharp, unreadable at first, then softening into a flicker of shock. “hey…everything okay?”
yangyang leaned against the doorframe, suddenly aware of how stupid this is. he exhaled, running a hand through his hair, “i, uh…i need,” he clears his throat, exhaling, running a hand through his hair, “i need to talk to someone.”
renjun set his pencil down, leaning back in his chair, inviting him to come in, “you know i’m always all ears.” something in his tone — calm, patient, not holding the past against him, was enough to crack yangyang’s defenses, a nervous grin tugged on his lips as he stepped inside slowly before taking a seat at the edge of his friend’s bed.
“i–,” he hesitated, then the words tumbled out, low and rough, “i hooked up with y/n.”
the silence hit first. then renjun’s brows rose, not in shock exactly, more like confirmation, “hooked up as in—?”
yangyang groaned, dragging his hands down his face, “as in we were drunk and got to second base.”
renjun whistled under his breath, but his expression stayed calm, almost knowing, “well,” he said, leaning back further in his chair, “took you long enough.”
yangyang’s had snapped up, “the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”
renjun tilted his head, studying him with that infuriating but familiar precision, no judgment in it, just quiet truth, “i always knew there was something else there.”
yangyang blinked. the words didn’t compute, “what? no way. we’ve always just been best friends.”
“sure,” renjun said evenly, “best friends who look at each other like the rest of the world disappears. best friends who packed their bags and flew all the way to germany for an internship because it was the only one the both of you got into—”
“what are you trying to say?” yangyang cut in, pulse stuttering, a little annoyed now, defensive because he didn’t know what else to be.
renjun’s gaze softened. his voice was steady, kind in a way yangyang wasn’t prepared for, “you can lie to yourself all you want, yang, but it doesn’t change what’s obvious to literally everyone else,” renjun paused, eyes searching his, “maybe to you, you’ve just been best friends. but y/n? she looks at you the same way i look at love.”
yangyang let out a sharp, incredulous laugh, shaking his head hard enough to make his messy hair fall into his eyes. “no jun, come on. if that was true, if there was anything like that, don’t you think it would’ve happened by now? we’ve had years of being alone together. sleepovers, drunk nights, heartbreaks, traveling halfway across the world together, even staying at the same shitty hostel in germany. and nothing. not once. until last night, when we were drunk out of our minds. that doesn’t scream fate, that screams…accident. that’s it.”
renjun just leaned back further in his chair, crossing his arms like he had all the time in the world. his silence pressed harder than words, like he was waiting for yangyang to trip over his own defenses.
yangyang’s pulse spiked under it, so he filled it, his words tripping over each other, “and don’t start with the whole ‘but look at how she looks at you’ thing. she has a fuck buddy, jun. a fuck buddy. not me. if she really wanted me, why would she need someone else for that?”
“maybe because it’s easy,” renjun replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world, “because it’s just sex. no strings. no danger of her heart being broken. sometimes a placeholder is easier than the one thing that actually scares the shit out of you.”
yangyang dragged his hands down his face, “that’s…that’s a stretch. you don’t just wake up and suddenly realize you’re in love with your best friend. that’s not how it works.”
renjun tilted his head, gaze steady, “or maybe that’s exactly how it works. maybe she woke up one night and realized that love is the comfort and safety you bring her. and now she’s too scared to ruin the one thing that’s always been safe. people don’t throw grenades into the only home they have unless they’re desperate. and you’d rather pretend it’s not there than risk losing her.”
that hit closer than yangyang thought it would. his throat went dry, “god, listen to how stupid this sounds. you’re making it into something it’s not. i just got out of a relationship…with your girlfriend, if you’ve forgotten. i’m barely keeping my head above water as it is. and now you’re trying to tell me what–,” his head snapped up, frustration and panic bleeding together, “that my best friend’s been secretly in love with me this whole time? that i’m too blind to see it?”
renjun shrugged, calm, unflinching, “not blind, yang. maybe you were just too scared to acknowledge the obvious.”
yangyang’s laugh turned sharp, almost bitter, “you hear yourself right now? you sound insane, jun,” yangyang’s chest rose and fell too fast, words spilling out like he couldn’t stop them if he tried, “you think you know everything huh? newsflash— you don’t. you weren’t there.”
renjun leaned forward, elbows on his knees, tone maddeningly calm, “then tell me what it was, yang. if it wasn’t what i’m saying, then what was it?”
yangyang shot to his feet like the mattress burned him, “it was a mistake! that’s all! two drunk idiots doing something they shouldn’t have. nothing more. nothing–” he broke off, fists clenching at his sides.
renjun stood slowly, not in challenge but in quiet steadiness, like he knew raising his voice would only make yangyang spiral more, “you keep saying nothing but your whole body’s screaming the opposite.”
yangyang let out a bitter laugh, shoving past him toward the door, needing air, needing escape, he had no idea why he thought coming here would help him, “you don’t know shit, jun. you don’t know me anymore.” his hand tightened around the doorknob, ready to twist, to bolt, to drown himself in anything but this conversation. but then renjun’s voice came, lower this time, not calm in that detached way, but warm, gentle, almost like before everything between them went to shit.
“yang,” he said quietly, “i’m not saying this to fuck with you. i’m saying it because i care. and you can keep yelling, keep pretending it was just some drunk mistake but i know you. and i know the way you’re looking at me right now — like you’re terrified i might be right.”
yangyang froze. his throat worked, but no sound came out.
renjun’s steps were slow, careful, until he was standing just a few feet behind him, “i’m not trying to corner you, yang. i just…don’t want you to ruin something good because you’re too scared to call it what it is. you don’t have to figure it out tonight. but the first step is being honest with yourself. don’t run from it.” the words sank deep. yangyang swallowed hard, staring at the wood grain of the door like it could give him an answer. his grip on the knob loosened, fingers slipping away until his hand fell uselessly to his side. shoulders heavy, he let out a ragged breath, eyes burning with a frustration that wasn’t just aimed at renjun anymore.
“i don’t…” his voice cracked, softer now, breaking under its own weight, “i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing.”
renjun’s expression softened even further, almost brotherly. “that’s okay. you don’t have to know yet. just… stop pretending you feel nothing. that’s the only mistake here.”
yangyang shut his eyes, leaning his forehead briefly against the door, caught between every instinct to run and the quiet relief of not holding it all in alone anymore. slowly, almost reluctantly, he turned and came back. his legs carried him on instinct more than choice and he dropped back onto the bed. when he finally spoke, his voice was quieter, raw around the edges, “is this how scared you felt with love too?”
renjun exhaled, his chest deflating, “yeah, i was terrified. scared and guilty. every second i was with her, i knew i was hurting you. knew i was lying to myself, to you, to her. and the worst part? i couldn’t stop. i thought if i buried it deep enough, it would go away.”
yangyang swallowed, the knot in his throat tightening. he hadn’t expected renjun to answer like that — to sound so unguarded, so wrecked. he always thought he had the worst pain of the two.
“and it obviously didn’t,” he says, softer now.
renjun shook his head slowly, “no. it only got worse. until i couldn’t run from it anymore.”
for the first time that night, yangyang didn’t have a sharp comeback waiting. he just sat there, silent, the weight of renjun’s words pressing down on the panic he’d been trying to outrun. slowly, he let his hands drop, fingers flexing uselessly against his knees. his throat bobbed once, twice, before he finally muttered, almost to himself, “...thanks.”
renjun blinked, surprised. “for what?”
yangyang’s lips twisted, like the word itself was foreign to him. “for not bullshitting me. for saying it straight. i needed that.”
•ᴥ•
meanwhile in your apartment, you called the one person you were angry at. he showed up fast, still in sweats, hair messy like he’d just rolled off his couch. when you opened the door, he gave you a half smile, “texting me, already?”
you cut him off, stepping aside, “this isn’t that. sit down.”
shotaro’s brows furrowed, but he obeyed, dropping onto your couch. you stayed standing, arms crossed tight.
“why the hell did you do it?” you snapped.
“do what?”
“seven minutes in heaven! you’re the one who shoved that game on everyone, right? you’re the reason i–” your throat closed for a second, you forced the words out anyway, “the reason i messed up with yangyang!”
shotaro blinked, taken aback. “wait. messed up how—”
“it doesn’t matter!” you said quickly, cutting him off before the shame could choke you out, “what matters is you set it up like it was some kind of joke, and now everything’s fucked!” your voice cracked, fury fraying into panic, “do you get it? you ruined everything! you dick!”
shotaro leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his eyes flicking up to you with something sharper than usual, “okay, first of all, don’t put this all on me,” he said, voice firmer than you’d expected, “you think i could control how you two were gonna act?”
your jaw tightened. “you put us in that position.”
“and you’re acting like you didn’t want it,” shotaro shot back, “c’mon, y/n. you and yangyang have been dancing around each other for years. everyone sees it. i thought maybe—” he stopped himself, shaking his head with a humorless laugh. “i thought maybe you two needed the push.”
your stomach dropped. “a push? you think what happened was some kind of—of fate!? that you did us a favor!?”
“i think,” shotaro said carefully, “that it’s about time you admit you’re in love with him. how long are you gonna keep this charade up for? are you going to be one of those sad best friends standing at his wedding acting like you’re fine? or what, when he has a wife and still runs to you when they have problems? are you gonna sit there and take it like you do now? how far in the future will you keep playing this up?”
shotaro’s words hung in the air. your hands flew up to cover your face, but it was useless — the sob slipped out anyway, sharp and raw. shotaro blinked when you suddenly broke, tears spilling hot and unrestrained down your cheeks. you shoved the heel of your palm against your eyes, but it only made it worse.
“y/n…” he murmured, caught between surprise and worry.
you shook your head hard, voice cracking. “he—he called it a mistake.”
shotaro straightened, frowning. “what was?”
your throat bobbed as you nodded, the words tumbling out messy, jagged, “we—we hooked up. and for one second i thought…i thought maybe i wasn’t insane for feeling the way i do. but then he—” your chest heaved, and you squeezed your eyes shut, “—he said it was a mistake, like it didn’t mean anything. like i don’t mean anything.”
shotaro’s mouth opened, then closed again, as if he wasn’t sure what to say. he only knew the edges of the truth — that you’d been crushing on yangyang for ages. that yangyang looked at you like you held the world in his hands but had no clue. that from the outside perspective, the two of you just made sense.
“y/n,” he said softly, “i don’t think that’s what he meant.”
a bitter laugh broke from you, watery and sharp, “you weren’t there.”
“no,” he agreed, voice gentle, “but i’ve seen the way he looks at you sometimes when he thinks no one notices. he wouldn’t mean it in that way.”
you shook your head, shoulders trembling, “you don’t get it. i’m just his best friend! he made it very clear by walking out and leaving me here. and i—i ruined everything!”
shotaro hesitated, then shifted closer, pulling you into him. it wasn’t romantic, not even close — it was messy, awkward, your tears dampening his shirt, his hand rubbing slow circles between your shoulder blades.
“you didn’t ruin anything,” he murmured, “he’s scared. or confused. or both. but you? you’re not wrong for feeling what you feel.”
your fingers clutched the fabric of his shirt like a lifeline, “it hurts so much.”
“i know,” he whispered, pressing his chin lightly against the top of your head, “cry it out. i’ve got you.” and so you did, not because shotaro could fix it, not because he was the one you wanted, but because right then, he was the only one who wouldn’t call you a mistake. your sobs had quieted into hiccups, your face pressed into shotaro’s chest, when he finally leaned back enough to look at you. his thumb brushed under your eye, catching the stray tear you missed.
“hey,” he said softly, his smile crooked, “you want me to fuck the pain away?”
you let out a choked laugh despite yourself, smacking his chest weakly. “shotaro—”
“what?” he grinned, holding his hands up in mock innocence. “it’s my only real skill set here. shoulder to cry on, dick to distract you. comes in a package deal.”
you groaned, dragging your sleeve across your eyes, “god, you’re annoying.”
“but,” he leaned in, lowering his voice, “you’re laughing.” you bit down on your lip, shaking your head — but yeah, a small laugh did slip out. a real one, even if it was laced with ache.
shotaro leaned back against the couch, satisfied, and slung an arm lazily around your shoulders, “see? don’t underestimate the healing power of bad humor and good dick. it’s science.” you exhaled, the laugh dying down into something quieter, smaller. for a moment you just stared at your knees, twisting the hem of your sleeve between your fingers. the ache swelled again in your chest — not as sharp, but heavy.
“shotaro?” you asked softly.
“yeah?”
your voice cracked a little. “can you just…hold me? for a while?”
his teasing expression melted instantly. no hesitation, no jokes this time. “yeah. of course.” he shifted, tugging you gently into his chest again, this time lying back into the couch cushions so you could curl into him properly. his arm tightened around your waist, the other hand threading through your hair in slow, absent strokes. neither of you spoke after that. the last thing you felt was the steady rise and fall of his chest under your cheek before sleep pulled you under.
•ᴥ•
yangyang stood outside your apartment door, knuckles pressed to the wood, rehearsing the words in his head. this is what you did. this is what you’d always done — you talked. about everything. about bad grades and breakups, about internships and homesickness. if the world felt like it was falling apart, somehow you always put it back together again, piece by piece.
so why should this be different?
he swallowed hard, finally twisting the knob and stepping inside. the lights were dim, your living room quiet. he opened his mouth, ready to call your name. and then he froze — you were curled up on the couch. not alone. shotaro’s arm was draped over you, your face tucked into his chest, his hand still resting protectively on your waist.
yangyang’s chest tightened, heat and cold colliding at once. how could you? how could you kiss him one night, strip away years of boundaries, make his heart pound so hard he thought it’d crack open… make him question everything he thought he knew….and then just… have another man in your arms?
jealousy flared sharp, ugly in his chest, tangling with something deeper he refused to name. possessiveness. hurt. and stupid, stupid him — for even letting renjun’s words take root earlier. because this? this was proof he was an idiot. an idiot who overthinks everything when it was all really just a mistake on your end too.
he lingered a second too long, his jaw tight, breath heavy in the silence of your apartment. then, he turned on his heel and let himself out. the door clicked softly behind him. and it was like he’d never been there at all. he didn’t get far after leaving your apartment. just down the block, just far enough that your building wasn’t in sight anymore, before the weight of what he’d seen stopped him cold. his heart was still pounding, not with the same anger as before, no, this was worse — jagged and hollow at once, like his chest was caving in from the inside.
you were his best friend. his safe place. the one person he thought he didn’t have to question. and yet seeing you in someone else’s arms had gutted him in a way he couldn’t explain. you’d had boyfriends before and it never affected him like this. so it shouldn’t matter. it doesn’t matter. you weren’t his. he was the one who called what happened between you a mistake. he was the one who said it didn’t mean anything. but why did it feel like the ground had been ripped out from under him?
he shoved his hands into his pockets, pacing under the yellow streetlight, muttering under his breath, “fuck, why does this— why do i care?” the answer pressed against his ribs, sharp and undeniable. he couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else touching you, holding you, making you laugh when you cried.renjun’s voice echoed in his head, steady and infuriatingly right: you’d rather pretend it’s not there than risk losing her. yangyang laughed once, harsh and humorless, dragging his hands over his face.
“goddamn it.”
🧸 SEPTEMBER 29 - TUESDAY - PRETENDING.
you slid into your usual seat, dropping your bag with a practiced little thud. same class, same canvas, same setup as every other tuesday morning. nothing had changed — at least, that’s what you told yourself as you pasted on that easy smile, greeting the professor, nodding at classmates, settling in like you weren’t suffocating behind the mask.
yangyang was already there, hunched forward, brush spinning idly between his fingers. the second you sat down beside him, the air shifted. a crackle. a hum in your chest. too much silence where there should’ve been jokes, shoulder nudges, shared smiles. it’s the first time you’re seeing him since that mistake.
“morning,” you manage to force out, light and casual.
he glanced up, eyes shadowed, lips pressing into something that wasn’t quite a smile, “morning,” his voice was low, hoarse, like he hadn’t used it all day.
you busied yourself with your palette, clinking glass jars, swirling water, anything to fill the silence. normally this was when yangyang would lean into your space, make some dumb comment about your color choices or brush his knee against yours without noticing. but today? he sat stiff, shoulders square, every moment careful like even breathing too close to you would give him away.
from across the table, renjun’s sharp gaze flicked between the two of you. he clocked the half-inch of space between your chairs that felt like a canyon. the way your laugh at someone else’s joke rang a little too bright, a little too forced. the way yangyang kept staring at his canvas but hadn’t laid down a single stroke of paint. at one point, yangyang risked a glance at you, just a quick flicker, like he couldn’t help himself, and renjun caught it. their eyes locked across the table. renjun tilted his head, gaze steady, saying without words— you see it now, don’t you?
yangyang’s jaw tensed. he shook his head almost imperceptibly, mouthing a tight “shut up.”
you heard him. of course you did. even when you were pretending not to pay attention to him, you were. you turned your head, “what?”
renjun arched a brow, lips curving. yangyang tore his eyes away from him, looking straight at you for the first time since that night, “n-nothing, i didn’t say anything.” you nod, not having the energy to push further, before busying yourself with your sketchpad. beside him, you kept painting, keeping your mask intact. pretending this was just another tuesday. pretending you didn’t feel your pulse spike every time his knee shifted under the desk. pretending his silence didn’t ache more than words ever could. and yangyang — stiff in his chair, heart hammering against his ribs, was the only one who can tell you weren’t fine.
class went on with the two of you dancing around each other, pretending everything was still the same. pretending you haven’t crossed a line. pretending the mistake was clearly just a mistake. until the clatter of chairs and zip of bags signaled the end of class. everyone filtered out, voices rising as plans for lunch and errands filled the air. you slipped into rhythm, packing up calmly, masking every motion as ordinary. yangyang moved slower. he lingered, dragging out the task of rinsing his brushes, watching the water swirl down the jar until it was nearly clear. he told himself he wasn’t waiting. that it didn’t matter. that he didn’t care if you left first. but when you stood, slinging your bag over your shoulder and offering him the same easy smile you gave everyone else, his chest tightened.
“see you later,” you said lightly, voice steady. too steady. he didn’t like it. his tongue pressed against the back of his teeth, words gathering, hot and restless — don’t leave like that. don’t act like nothing happened.
but what right did he have to say that? when he was the one who walked out of your bedroom? when he was the one who left you alone?
your back was already half-turned toward the door when his hand twitched against his side. just one word and you’d stop. he hesitated. and then you were gone. your laughter echoed down the hallway as you joined a group of classmates, the sound bright and hollow in yangyang’s ears. he stood frozen, breath shallow, watching the doorway long after you’d disappeared. his chest ached with something he didn’t want to name. but the truth had already lodged itself in his ribs, sharp and undeniable — he didn’t want to be the guy who shrugged it off as a mistake anymore.
🧸 SEPTEMBER 30 - WEDNESDAY - WE’RE OKAY, RIGHT?
at this point it had been three days of quiet war, not exactly the silent treatment but somehow worse it was smiling too bright and saying nothing at all.
you heard the code of your door being entered from where you sat on your couch reading a book and knew that it was only ever going to be yangyang. he stumbled inside like the floor might fall out from under him if he didn’t move fast enough. his eyes were wild, glassy with something that looked dangerously close to panic.
“dude, are you okay?,” you asked automatically, because that’s what you always did, check in, make the space softer. your book stayed open on your knee, pages unread.
“don’t—” his voice came out raw, cracked, a different timbre than you’d heard from him in a while. he pointed, unsteady, as if directing the whole world at you. “don’t act like this. not with me.”
you blinked, “what are you talking about?” you tried to keep it light, because light was your defense and you’d worn it like armor for years.
“that mask!” he ran a hand through his hair so hard it tugged at his scalp. frustration and something else, fear, maybe, flickered across his face. “the smile. the pretending everything’s fine. it’s annoying. i can see it. if you’re mad at me, then yell at me. say it.”
your throat went tight. the words caught somewhere between your lungs and lips. you wanted to ask him what right he had — what right he had to notice, when he never did before? but he was still talking, unraveling, in a way that left him exposed.
“you think i dont know you?” his chest rose and fell fast, his voice raw, “i know when you’re hurting. i can hear it when you laugh too loud. i can see it in your eyes when you won’t look at me for more than two seconds. don’t pull that shit with me, okay? not with me.” he looked wrecked standing there in your living room. like every piece of him was strung too tight.
your mouth opened but only a weak laugh came out, shaky at the edges. you weren’t ready for this. “you’re being dramatic. i’m fine, yangyang, really.”you crossed your arms because you didn’t know what else to do. the shrug felt automatic, the same little lie that had kept you safe for years, “it’s not that deep. like you said, it was just a mistake.”
his eyes didn’t move. they searched yours like he’d been practicing for this moment and somehow never learned restraint. and then, giving up whatever defense he’d planned, he exhaled like someone letting go of a boulder.
“i don’t want to lose you!” he said, the words tumbling out all at once. “not over something as stupid as this. not over one drunk night. you’re—” his breath hitched, his voice thinned to a fragile thread, “you’re my best friend. the only one that’s ever…felt like home. i can’t lose that. i can’t lose you.” the sentence landed like thunder. you felt it in your ribs, in the place that had been hollow for what felt like forever. it cracked something inside you. something older than the night before, older than the mask. you didn’t plan your next move — your arms slid around him before thought could get in the way, fingers folding against the fabric of his hoodie. he went rigid, like you’d startled a wild animal, then softened and wrapped himself around you as fiercely as you held him.
if there was one thing you hated more than being miserable, it was watching your best friend hurt.
you buried your face into his shoulder, breath hitching, “who said anything about losing me?” you whispered, the lie catching on the edges, “i told you—you’re stuck with me, dummy.”
yangyang shook his head, as if to dislodge the panic. his grip tightened so hard your hoodie scrunched under his fingers, “—but we were so awkward yesterday. i hated that.” the simple confession sounded like guilt and regret all mixed together.
you tried to bring the air back to something familiar. “i mean, i did see your dick for the first time, of course it’s awkward,” you teased, voice laced in the old, easy banter you’d always used to glue things back together.
that broke through his storm for just a beat. yangyang choked on a cough, half-scandalized, half trying not to laugh. his ears went a little red. “wow,” he muttered, pulling back just enough to look at you, “out of all the things you could say to lighten the mood, you went with my dick? that’s your angle?”
you grinned, relieved by the flicker of normalcy, “well, it was… memorable.”
“memorable?” his brows shot up, eyes narrowing with mock offense. “that’s it? not impressive? not life-altering? just memorable?”
you let out a snort, pushing his shoulder, “don’t get cocky.”
“too late,” he shot back without missing a beat, smirk tugging at his lips. “you literally just admitted you can’t forget it.”
your jaw dropped in mock horror, a laugh bubbling up despite yourself, “that’s not what i said!”
“close enough.” he leaned back, smugness flickering in his expression for the first time in days, like he’d been starving for this push-pull rhythm. his smirk softened into something gentler, tentative. “so…we’re okay?…right?”
you inhaled, wrapping your arms around him again, “yeah. we’re okay.” the words felt both true and dangerously partial. you nodded harder against him, because movement made the pretense feel more real.
neither of you moved to let go. the hug stretched, elastic and fragile, holding whatever fragile normalcy you could manufacture. you both clung like people who’d decided, with your last breath, to keep pretending a little longer — because the alternative was saying things that might not be fixable. when you finally pulled back, you practiced a small, careful smile, one with cracks patched over. yangyang mirrored it, softer, equally false. nothing more was said. nothing more was allowed to slip. the moment sealed itself — not healed, not whole, but held. for now, that would have to be enough.
🧸 OCTOBER 2 - FRIDAY - WHY DON’T YOU EVER SEE ME?
yangyang let himself in like he always did, the soft click of your door sounding too familiar. you two were okay now, the loose, careful kind of okay you’ve both been practicing, and he’d told himself he couldn’t ask for anything more. that thinking didn’t survive the second he stepped into your apartment — you appeared in the hallway, towel wrapped loosely around your body, wet hair dripping down your shoulders. droplets clung at the hollow of your throat and mapped a glittering path across your collarbone before escaping down the slope of your chest. he felt his breath hitch so hard it hurt.
“god,” you muttered, rolling your eyes as you padded back towards your bedroom, “i really need to change my code.”
he forced a laugh, leaning against the arm of the couch and pretending his throat wasn’t suddenly dry. maybe he shouldn’t keep coming in like this without knocking. maybe he needed to stop walking into moments that felt like traps. he told himself all of it while watching you move, trying to be reasonable in the face of the unreasonable. he dropped onto the couch and tried to make himself small, bouncing one leg restlessly, telling himself it was nothing. you’d just showered. he’d seen you in less and been fine before. he could be fine now. he’s not a kid. then he heard the closet door murmur, the zip of fabric, and your bedroom door creak — you stepped out and he swore he forgot how to breathe.
you were in the dress you’d found in that online shop you’d texted him about last month — red. the exact shade that made everything else mute by comparison. the fabric hugged the small of your back, smoothed over the slope of your hips, outlined the line of your thighs where it hugged just so. you turned, bare back exposed, the zipper dangling like an invitation, “can you zip me up?” you asked, voice casual as if you were asking the time.
he moved before he thought. his fingers brushed the metal at the base of your spine, and a small, private electricity sparked between them. for a beat his world narrowed to the warmth of your skin, the soft damp left by your shower, the tiny pulse at the base of your neck. he pulled the zipper up carefully, his hand pausing on the small of your back, thumb resting on the curve of your waist as if he could steady both the zipper and himself at once. it clicked to the top. he stayed there, fingers pressed to the red material, as if reluctant to let go. “there,” he said too softly.
“thanks,” you whispered, turning slightly to face him, practicing that easy smile he’d seen a thousand times.
“where the hell are you going like that?” he asked before he could stop himself. his voice came out sharper than he intended, half-joking, half-accusatory, and he immediately cursed at the tone.
you raised a brow, grabbing your tiny gold hoop earrings from the coffee table, “out.”
“out,” he repeated, like the word tasted wrong in his mouth, “out where?”
you smiled, too casually, too practiced, as you fastened the earrings, “on a date.”
the answer landed like a stone on his chest, heavy and unmovable. his jaw flexed but he leaned back on the couch, feigning disinterest with a lazy shrug, “cool.”
you bent toward the mirror in the middle of your bedroom and bathroom door, sliding lipstick over your mouth. yangyang’s eyes followed the motion like he had no control over them, heat crawling up his neck, “seriously,” he muttered, picking at a loose thread on his hoodie sleeve to hide his nevers, “you’re just gonna walk out looking like that?”
“like what?” you asked, tone light, almost mocking.
“like–,” his throat closed on the words — like you belong to somebody else. like you’re about to go love someone that isn’t him. like you’re about to ruin me. — “like you’re trying too hard.”
you shot him a sidelong glance, fastening the strap on your ankle, “that’s kind of the point, yang. it’s a date, not game night.”
he scoffed, leaning further back into the couch, arms crossed like a shield, “just saying, you don’t need to go all out. if the guy’s worth anything, he’d like you without,” he gestured vaguely at your dress, your hair, your lipstick and hated how bitter it came out, “...all that.”
you rolled your eyes, walking back into your bathroom to dry your hair, “gee, thanks, dad.”
and when you moved, he couldn’t help it — his gaze followed. the curve of your waist as you bent, the soft skin of your shoulders where the dress stopped, the soft throat where your pulse beat — felt suddenly like an unfair claim he’d had no right to know was there. you were slipping further away from him with every step. and he hated how much it bothered him.
you were in the bathroom, halfway through smoothing the last of your hair when he stepped up to lean on the doorway, watching you with something that tried to be casual and failed, “so,” he said, voice taut, “who’s this guy anyway?”
you didn’t look up from the mirror, “shotaro.”
the name cracked him open. yangyang straightened like he’d been struck. “shotaro?” he repeated, disbelief sharp in his tone. “i thought you two were just fucking.”
you finally turned, one brow arched, “we are. doesn’t mean we can’t go out for drinks.”
his laugh died in his throat, replaced by something heavier, “right. just drinks.” he muttered, every word wrapped in a film of something that could’ve been hurt if you looked close enough.
you brushed past him, grabbing your heels and bending over to buckle your heel, “why do you care so much?”
“i don’t.” the answer was too quick, too defensive. his arms crossed tighter over his chest, but his jaw was locked, breath shallow, “it’s just—you don’t go on dates with fuck buddies, that complicates things.”
you gave him a dry smile as you reached for your bag, “not everyone overcomplicates things the way you do, yang.” you slung your bag over your shoulder, gave your reflection one last glance and headed for the door. yangyang hadn’t moved from the wall, though every line of his body was wound tight like a coiled spring. your hand hovered on the doorknob, “you’re welcome to stay, lock up if you leave.”
he didn’t answer. just watched you with something unreadable burning in his eyes. you forced a little smile, as if this was normal, as if you weren’t both suffocating under everything unsaid and then you slipped out into the hall. he watched you go. the door clicked shut. the apartment slipped into silence.
yangyang stared at the empty space you’d just left behind, abruptly pacing, running hand through his hair over and over like it could scrape out the image of you in that dress. his chest ached, sharp and unfamiliar. jealousy bloomed — ugly, raw, gnawing with a possessiveness he had no right to feel.
“god, get a grip, she’s just your best friend,” he muttered, but his reflection in the darkened t.v. screen looked back at him with wide, haunted eyes. because now he knew. now he knew exactly what renjun meant. and it terrified him. he paced another circle through your apartment before his steps slowed outside your bedroom door. the air felt heavier in here, familiar in a way that made his chest ache. the last time he was in here you were doing things best friends definitely weren’t supposed to be doing. looking at your bed made the memory flash so hard he had to look away. his gaze landed instead on the stuffed bear propped up against your pillows.
yangyang let out shaky laugh, dragging a hand over his face as he sat on the edge of your bed, he picked up the bear, holding it loosely in his lap, “hey, mr. bear,” he muttered, voice low, rough, half a joke and half not, “long time no talk.” the bear’s stitched smile was the stupidest comfort — unchanging, honest in a way people weren’t. he turned the plush in his hands, felt the seam under his thumbs. he pressed the fur to his cheek because it smelled faintly of you, laundry detergent and something softer he’d never been able to name, and it made his throat close. “—a date,” he said to the bear, and the words went sour in his mouth. “can you believe her?…shotaro.” the name tasted like something he’d swallowed and couldn’t cough up. he pictured you across a table, your mouth moving, your laugh, that ridiculous lipstick. his stomach clenched. his grip tightened on the bear’s paw. “renjun’s wrong, you know. he has to be. because if he’s right, then…” his words faltered, throat burning. “then i’m in trouble.”
silence. the bear didn’t argue. yangyang shook his head, forcing a laugh that cracked halfway, “i can’t lose her, not over something as easily changeable as feelings.”
still no answer. just the bear’s stitched grin. yangyang slumped back against your pillows, hugging it to his chest like it could keep the truth out, “don’t look at me like that,” he muttered. “i don’t… i don’t love her…not like that.”
the sentence felt thin in his mouth. he ran his thumb along the bear’s paw, counting excuses. maybe it was the way you’d always been close. maybe boundaries blurred in late-night conversations, in shared hostels and stupid internships. people get attached, that didn’t mean they were in love. people mixed up comfort for something else all the time. but an inconvenient thought slid in and refused to leave. when had he last wanted someone else to hold you? when had the idea of another person making you laugh not made his stomach drop?
he’d made a habit of noticing you — cataloguing little things like a map. the way you tucked your hair behind your ear when you were thinking, the exact tilt of your smile. the way your breathing is naturally synchronized with his when he has you wrapped in his arms.
knowing, he kept telling himself, didn’t mean anything. it was just being close, like knowing the fastest routes across campus, harmless — but even he didn’t believe that. because the more he came up with excuses, the more he realizes he doesn’t know who he’s trying to convince.
his throat tightened until it hurt, and the laugh that clawed out of him was broken, shaky. “fuck,” he whispered, pressing the bear tighter against his chest, forehead dropping against its soft head, “fuck, i think i’m in trouble.”
the words sat there, heavy and terrifying. his heart thudded so loud it almost drowned them out, but not enough to erase them. he let out a breath that trembled all the way through him, closing his eyes, clutching mr. bear like the plush might hold him together, “you always were horrible at giving advice,” he told him, half-smiling despite the ache ripping through his chest, “but you keep secrets. you listen when no one else will.”
•ᴥ•
the bar was loud, packed with music and chatter, but you couldn’t shake the itch of yangyang’s voice still stuck in your head from earlier. you sat across from shotaro at a little round table tucked into the corner. he looked smugly perfect in his button-up and blazer, his easy smile drawing attention from every direction. but the truth was, this wasn’t a date. not really.
“thanks for coming,” he said, leaning closer so you could hear him over the noise, “i just…didn’t want to show up solo, like a loser, you know?”
you arched a brow, sipping your drink, “well, i do owe you one for letting me cry in your arms.”
he grinned, unbothered, “you look hot by the way.”you laughed, rolling your eyes. you weren’t here to play pretend with shotaro. you weren’t even here because you wanted to be. you were here because you couldn’t stand the thought of sitting at home, replaying the feel of yangyang’s hands, yangyang’s words, yangyang’s silence.
shotaro leaned back in his chair, studying you for a beat, “you’re somewhere else,” he said finally, soft but true.
your throat tightened, you forced a smile, swirling the liquid in your glass, “i’m here. with you.” but even as you said it, you both knew it wasn’t true.
the drinks kept coming. one minute it was a whiskey sour, the next a round of tequila shots someone ordered for the whole table, and before you knew it, your head was warm and spinning, your laughter bubbling too easily. shotaro leaned in, whispering in your ear, “you’re a lightweight, admit it.”
you squintied at him through the rim of your glass, nose scrunching, "i'm not–,” you hiccuped mid-sentence and slapped your hand over your mouth, “okay. maybe a little.”
he cracked up that bright, boyish laugh of his, drawing a few curious stares, “you’re adorable when you’re tipsy. don’t tell anyone i said that.”
“too late,” you pointed at him dramatically, though your finger wobbled with your balance, “i’m telling everyone. yangyang will—” you cut yourself off too quickly. the name had slipped out before you could stop it. your stomach dipped. shotaro tilted his head, teasing, but didn’t press. instead, he lifted his glass, saving you from your own slip, “to bad ideas,” he said.
you clunked clumsily against his, “to bad ideas.”from there, the night blurred into easy laughter and stupid dares. you convinced shotaro to try and balance on the barstool and he nearly toppled straight into the ground. he got revenge by dragging you onto the dance floor, where your limbs were looser than your coordination, the both of you laughing so hard you could barely keep upright. somewhere in the haze, the ache in your chest dulled. shotaro was fun. simple. no feelings involved. the more you drank, the easier it was to forget why you were here in the first place. the easier it was to pretend the image of yangyang in your apartment, jaw clenched and eyes dark, wasn’t still burned into the back of your mind. by the time the night wound down, you were clinging into shotaro’s arm, giggling as he half-carried, half-guided you out of the bar.
“you’re a mess,” he teased, shaking his head, “let’s get you home.”
•ᴥ•
shotaro steadied you against the doorframe, your fingers fumbling uselessly against the keypad. every time you punched in the numbers, it beeped angrily, red light flashing. you groaned, pressing your forehead to the cold metal, “why won’t it love meee?” you slurred, giggling.
“maybe because you put 1-0-1-0 three times,” shotaro deadpanned, biting back a grin.
you swayed towards him, whispering conspiratorially, “that’s yangyang’s birthday,” then you laughed like it was the funniest secret in the world. before shotaro could respond, the door snapped open from the inside. yangyang stood framed in the doorway, hair mussed like he’d run his hands through it a hundred times, hoodie hanging loose on his frame. his eyes flicked from your drunken smile straight to shotaro’s steady hand on your arm.
you lit up instantly, arms flying around his neck, “YANG!” you sang, voice too loud, too bright, too happy. you pressed your cheek against his shoulder, giggling like a child. yangyang froze under your touch, breath hitching as your perfume and the warmth of your damp skin from earlier hit him all at once. his arms stayed stiff at his sides for a beat too long before one slid around your waist to steady you before you collapsed. he lifted his gaze over your head, locking on shotaro. his voice was low, sharp, even though he tried to keep it casual, “i got it from here.”
shotaro looked at the two of you — your arms wrapped around yangayng, his hand gripping your waist, and shrugged, unbothered as ever, “yeah, yeah,” he smirked, stepping back with a wave, “goodnight.”
yangyang didn’t wait for shotaro to disappear fully down the hall before tugging you gently inside. he shut the door behind you with a click that sounded too loud in the quiet apartment. you clung tighter around his neck, giggling as he carried you toward your bedroom. he got you into your room and sat you down on the edge of your bed, crouching in front of you to unbuckle your heels as he slid the straps off and tugged the shoes away.
“you’re a mess,” he muttered, but his voice was softer than the words.
you leaned forward until your forehead rest against his shoulder, giggling, “but i’m your mess.”
his chest tightened but he ignored it, tugging gently at your wrist, “come on, teddy. let’s get you out of this thing.” he reached for the zipper at your back, careful, slow, trying not to notice the way the red fabric peeled away from your skin under his fingers. you tilted your head toward him, “yangyang,” you whispered, playful but dreamy, “you’re undressing me.”
his hands froze, “don’t say it like that,” he muttered, trying not to combust, “im just—helping.” you hummed, unconvinced, swaying closer as he eased the dressed down your body. he kept his eyes anywhere but your bare skin, swallowing hard as the fabric slipped lower until it pooled on the floor, leaving you in your underwear. he didn’t linger, he grabbed one of your oversized t-shirts from your dresser, which looked a lot like the t-shirt he’s been missing for weeks, and gently pulled it over your head.
“there. done.” he exhaled like he’d just run a marathon. he guided you to lie back against the pillows, tucking the blanket over your legs. when he sat at the edge, reaching for the makeup wipes on your vanity, you squinted up at him through heavy lashes.
“stay still.” he instructed. you wriggled anyway, just to be difficult, lips curling into a mischievous grin. but the second his hand cupped your jaw, thumb brushing softly as he wiped away your lipstick, you went quiet, melting into the warmth of his touch.
the silence stretched until his voice came, quieter this time, careful, “so…how was your date?”
you smiled, eyes closing as you leaned into his palm, “it was soooo fun,” you sighed, cheeks flushed, “shotaro’s funny. he made me laugh a lot.”
the words scraped against his chest but he swallowed them down, “yeah?”
“mmhm, but…,” your lashes fluttered as you peeked up at him, tipsy and unfiltered, “i wish you were there.”
his hand stilled mid-wipe. for a second, all he could do was stare at you — at the way your drunken pout tugged at his heart, at the little hiccup that slipped through your words, at the way your hand wrapped softly around his wrist. his throat went dry. he could feel the words crawling up the back of his tongue, the things he shouldn’t say, things he wasn’t even sure of yet, but all that came out was a rough, “you’re drunk.” he forced his hand to move again, swiping gently at your eyeliner, pretending he didn’t feel your confession sinking into his chest like a hook.
“why don’t you ever see me?”
the words slipped out slurred and soft, dangerous in their honesty. you blinked up at him from under heavy lashes, a little tipsy smile tugging at your lips like you hadn’t even realized what you’d said. yangyang’s head snapped up so fast the motion jolted him. for a beat he simply stared at you, breath gone, “see you?” his voice came out quieter than he wanted, “what the hell does that mean? i see you every day.”
you let out a tiny hiccup that dissolved into sad, hiccupy laugh, “not like that,” you mumbled, eyes glassy, “you just—” your brow furrowed, the words slipping, stalling, before alcohol gave you a shove, “you only ever see your best friend. never me.”
the apartment folded into silence. the fan hummed somewhere, the fridge buzzed. everything felt too loud and too small at once. your lips wobbled into another hiccupy laugh, but this one was sharp with the sting of unshed tears, “why’d you call me a mistake?”
the question hung there, fragile and heavy all at once. you didn’t throw it like an accusation, didn’t spit it out with anger. you said it like an ache you hadn’t been able to bury, like a wound that had festered quietly in the dark until it spilled over.
yangyang’s chest seized so tight it hurt to breathe. he shook his head fast, desperate, like maybe if he shook hard enough the regret would come loose, “i–,” his voice cracked on the first breath, a broken sound that burned his throat, “god, i didn’t mean-”but you were already slipping, lashes sinking, your body curling inward under the blanket as if retreating into yourself. the alcohol had won, pulling you under just as the words had escaped.
and maybe that was the cruellest part — that your truth had finally spilled out when you were too drunk to hold it, and he was left with his regret alone. yangyang sank down onto the floor beside your bed, elbows digging into his knees, hands clasped so tight his knuckles went white. he stared at you through the dim light, your breathing uneven but soft, the blanket rising and falling gently with each inhale.
“i didn’t mean it,” he whispered, words caught in the quiet hum of the room. his voice broke on the edges, too fragile to hold, “i never meant it.”
🧸 OCTOBER 3 - SATURDAY - HAS IT ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS?
you woke up with your skull pounding, only to find a glass of water and a pack of pain relievers on your nightstand. suspicious. very suspicious. dragging yourself out of bed, you shuffled out of your bedroom, following the faint sound of pots clinking. when you peeked into your kitchen, yangyang was hunched over the stove, stirring something with more concentration than he’d ever given any of his classes.
“what did you break?” you croaked from the doorway.
he was startled so hard the ladle nearly flew out of his hand, “huh? i didn’t break anything,” he said, a little confused by your question.
you narrowed your eyes and walked up behind him, slipping your arms around his waist in a lazy back hug, chin landing on his shoulder, “then why are you acting like a househusband right now?”
usually, he would’ve shot back with something dumb but this time he just froze. because your body was warm against his back, your breath brushing his neck and suddenly his pulse was thunderous. he gripped the ladle tighter like it could anchor him. “uh…,” he said brilliantly, staring very hard at the ramen, “because…i’m nice?”
you snorted against his shoulder, voice muffled, “liar. you’re only nice when you want something or when you did something. did you clog the toilet? spill on the couch? scratch my switch again?”
“that was one time!,” he protested, voice cracking, “and i told you…your joy con was already peeling.”you squeezed him tighter, laughing, which only made his heart beat harder. usually hugs between you two were nothing — habit, background noise in your friendship. but now it felt like he was hyper-aware of everything. the way your fingers fidgeted against his hoodie, the weight of your chin on his shoulder, the soft sway of your body pressed to his. desperate to distract himself, he tapped the spoon against the pot, “don’t distract the chef, i’m doing very important work here.”
you hummed, still clinging to him, “pretty sure boiling instant ramen isn’t a michelin star situation.”
“how dare you?’ he teased though his ears were burning. after a couple more minutes, yangyang plopped the steaming bowls onto the table with an exaggerated flourish, “breakfast is served. please, try not to cry from how amazing it is.”
you looked up from your chair and gave him a skeptical look, “wow. gordon ramsay better watch his back.”
“exactly,” he said with a grin, sliding into the chair right next to you instead of across like he normally did, “you get it.” you snorted into your noodles. it was definitely the best hungover remedy. and when you slurped too fast and ended up coughing, he was already sliding the glass of water toward you, murmuring, “slow down, teddy,” with a softness that made your chest squeeze.
you nudged his shoulder with yours, “you’re being weirdly sweet today.”
“weirdly?” he raised a brow, “i’m always sweet.” you laughed, shaking your head and for a second his gaze lingered on you too long, his grin softening into something he quickly masked by shoving a mouthful of noodles into his face.
after a stretch of comfortable slurping silence, you set your chopsticks down and tilted your head at him, “by the way, your birthday’s in like, seven days, what do you want to do?”
he chewed slowly, stalling, before mumbling, “i don’t know, maybe we could just rent an airbnb and celebrate like we do every year.”
you paused, blinking, “uh…we usually do that with renjun and them.”
yangyang nodded, sipping his broth, “yeah, so?”
you leaned back, eyeing him, “so…are you okay with inviting renjun this year?”
“yeah, we’re okay now,” he said simply, chopsticks tapping against the edge of his bowl.
your brow arched, “since when?”
he froze mid-slurp, eyes darting anywhere but you, “...since recently.”
“uh-huh, that’s specific,” you teased, leaning in, clearly not letting him off that easy.
his lips twitched, fighting a smile, “drop it. eat your noodles before they get soggy.” but his ears were pink and you knew you’d hit something he wasn’t ready to explain yet.
•ᴥ•
the ramen was gone, the bowls stacked in the sink and the two of you ended up exactly where you always did — sprawled on the couch. your legs tangled, his arm thrown lazily around you, your head pillowed against his chest. it was nothing new. this was normal. routine. but yangyang couldn’t stop noticing how right it felt. the weight of you against him. the way your hair tickled his chin when you shifted. the soft, unconscious hum you let out when you finally settled, like his arms were the only place you could relax. he stared at the t.v. playing teen wolf but he wasn’t absorbing any of it. his focus was on the way his arm curved so easily around your shoulders like it was molded for you. the way his hand rested against your side like it had always belonged there — had it always been like this? had you always fit this perfectly against him? how is it that he was just now realizing it?
your hand absently toyed with the hem of his hoodie, fingers brushing the fabric and he swore his heart stuttered. you let out a soft laugh at some random line stiles stilinski blurted out, your body shaking lightly against him and yangyang’s chest tightened all over again. he didn’t move. didn’t dare. he just held you a little closer, silently wondering when the ordinary started to feel extraordinary.
your phone buzzed from your coffee table. you shifted just enough to reach it, screen lighting up with shotaro’s name. yangyang’s arm tightened instinctively around you before he could stop himself. his eyes dropped, catching the stupid little smile tugging at your lips as you unlocked the screen.
“what’s so funny?,” he asked, casual on the surface but his voice had a sharper edge than usual. you tilted your head toward him, showing him the message without thinking:
shotaro: did you recover from last night?
shotaro: or should i fall off another bar stool to make you feel better?
you giggled, typing something back, “he’s so funny,” you mumbled, thumb flying across the screen. yangyang’s jaw clenched so tight it ached. funny. right. so nice he makes you laugh like that. his chest burned with it, a jealousy that felt too raw to admit out loud. he forced a laugh, nudging you lightly in the side, “wow, look at you, miss popular. am i supposed to get in line behind shotaro now?”
you snorted, tossing your phone back on the coffee table and leaning your weight into him again, oblivious to the storm brewing in his chest, “don’t be dramatic. you’re first in line. always.”
that should have soothed him. should have. but the words only lodged deeper, because at the end of the day he knew shotaro could hold you in ways he couldn’t. could touch you in ways best friends shouldn’t. and yangyang hated how much the word best friend was starting to sound like a prison.
eventually, your weight softened against him, breath evening out as you drifted off to sleep. he felt the exact moment your lashes fluttered closed and your body surrendered fully into his chest. yangyang stared at the ceiling, trying to quiet the noise in his head. but it was impossible with your cheek pressed over his heartbeat, with your hand curled loosely against his hoodie like you had been doing it forever, which you have. he told himself it was just comfort. that this was what best friends did. you fell asleep on him all the time after late-night movies or long days. but something about tonight…about the way shotaro’s name lit up your phone, about how he’d felt a sharp, irrational sting in his chest just seeing it — made everything sharper. he exhaled slowly, his fingers absently brushing along your arm, realizing how silence felt less like emptiness and more like home with you filling it. the thought scared him. because if he let himself believe, it, he wasn’t sure he could ever go back. so he lay there, still and quiet, letting you sleep while his mind circled the same truth he wasn’t ready to admit even to himself.
🧸 OCTOBER 4-9 - SUNDAY-FRIDAY - REALIZATIONS.
the next day, you both swore off productivity, ordering greasy takeout and eating cross-legged on the living room floor because it was way more comfortable than your table. you told some ridiculous story — hands waving, face animated. yangyang laughed so hard he nearly choked on his fried rice. then he noticed how easily the sleeves of his hoodie swallowed your hands, how you leaned across the cartons to swat his chopsticks away from stealing another bite. the moment stretched too long. his chest tightened.
on monday, you dragged him for ice cream at the convenience store right after class. you bickered about flavors, your hand brushing his when you both reached for the same one. he laughed it off like always but his skin buzzed where your fingered grazed. later, when you leaned against his shoulder on the way back, arm linked around, spooning bites from your cup into his mouth without think, he had to swallow twice — once for the ice cream, once for the realization that he wanted this forever.
on tuesday in painting ii. you took your usual seats. you dipped your brush, tongue poking at the corner of your lips as you concentrated. yangyang tried to focus on his own canvas but every few minutes he caught himself staring instead — at the slope of your nose, the way your hair slipped loose and you absentmindedly tucking it behind your ear. you had called him out on it with a simple, “why are you staring at me?” his ears burned, he covered it with a scoff, dragging his brush harder than necessary, “please, i’m just laughing at how seriously you’re taking this.” but when you leaned over suddenly to dab a streak of blue onto his canvas, laughing when he gasped, yangyang swore your laughter made his heart stop.
on wednesday, you spent the evening sprawled in your living room, controllers in hand, locked in a mario kart bottle, “stop pushing me off the track!” you yelped, shoving his shoulder. yangyang grinned, not taking his eyes off the screen, “it’s called strategy, teddy.” the nickname he used all the came out sweeter, softer. you groaned dramatically as his kart sped past yours on the final lap, “you cheated!” he laughed but when you pouted, he wondered why winning a mario kart game suddenly felt like a loss.
on thursday, you were stretched out on your bed when he walked in, laptop open, calendar pulled up. he tossed himself onto the bed behind you, phone in hand, mr. bear in the other.
without looking up, you said casually, “i booked the airbnb for your birthday weekend.”
his head popped up “already?”
you hummed, still typing, “yeah, same spot as last year. i figured it’d be easier to just stick with what we know.” you glanced back at him with a small smile, “i invited our usual crew — xiaojun, hendery, ningning, renjun and…uh…the new addition, love,” you said her name carefully, like testing the weight of it. he used to flinch at the mention or brush it off too quickly like he didn’t want to deal with it. but tonight, yangyang just blinked, nodding.
“yeah, cool,” he said. no hesitation. no shift in his expression. just easy, even.
you narrowed your eyes, turning fully to face him, “wait, that’s it? no sarcastic comments, no sighing, no complaints?”
yangyang smirked, shrugging lazily, “what do you want me to say? i’m over it.”
“over it?” you echoed, skeptical.
“over it.” he repeated, getting more comfortable in your pillows. you stared at him for a moment, like you were trying to read between his words. he only stretched out more, feigning nonchalance. but inside, yangyang was reeling — not because of love. but because of how…nothing it felt. the name that used to twist his stomach now barely registered, as if the tether had been cut without him noticing. the only thing tugging at him now was you, sitting cross-legged on your bed in another one of his oversized t-shirts, hair falling into your eyes as you frowned at your laptop. and he was sure — he didn’t care who else came to his birthday. as long as you were there.
by the time friday night settled in, everything felt quieter, softer. the apartment lights were dim, the only glow coming from the t.v. screen where another episode of teen wolf played. you were curled up against him the way you always where. this was what you did every week, every day practically. but just like last week, yangyang couldn’t focus on the screen. his eyes traced the crown of your head, the curve of your cheek pressed against him, the way you unconsciously shifted closer like your body had long decided he was home. his arm curved around you tighter. he couldn’t stop replaying your drunk words in his head, the way you’d whispered, “why don’t you ever see me?” because god, he did. he saw you everywhere now. in the way you looked after him, in the way you teased him, in the way your laugh made something catch in his chest. he saw you in everything. the realization sank into him heavy, immovable, inescapable — he was in love with you. it had slipped in quietly, disguised as years of friendship and routines until suddenly it was all he could feel. he was in love with his best friend.
🧸 OCTOBER 10 - SATURDAY - TRUTH OR DARE?
the eight-seater car was cramped and noisy, hendery and xiaojun in the front arguing over directions, ningning on the aux cord singing at the top of her lungs, love laughing at renjun’s terrible jokes in the back. but for yangyang, the entire drive felt muted. his focus kept pulling back to you, sitting right next to him, in the middle of all the chaos. the way you leaned your head against his shoulder, tapping absentmindedly at your phone. the way your laugh rose above the noise like it was the only sound that mattered. it was his birthday, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about anything except the fact that you were there, pressed against him, fitting like you belonged in that spot. and when you reached for the water bottle in the cupholder by his side, hand brushing his thigh by accident. he didn’t flinch. didn’t move. he just swallowed, eyes fixed forward, like he could will his heartbeat to steady.
it took a total of two hours to finally arrive at the airbnb where chaos amplified as everyone claimed rooms, bickering about unpacking and setting up the food/supplies that you guys brought. you tugged yangyang along by the wrist, insisting he help you set up the decorations you hid in your bag.
“surprise,” you grinned, throwing up string lights across the living room, “thought we could make it more festive.”
he stared at the lights, then at you, then back again, “shouldn’t you have set it up first and then said surprise,” he teases, trying to ignore the soft pull in his chest.
“you really think i have time to sneak away and set this up without you catching me?,” you giggled, handing him the opposite end of the string light as the two of you decorated the living room together.
the rest of the day unfolded in a blur of noise — hendery grilling, ningning forcing everyone into drinking games, renjun rolling his eyes so hard they almost got stuck, xiaojun turning up his birthday party playlist, laughter and music filling the house. as night fell, everyone was in there swimwears, lounging in the airbnb’s hot tub, steaming under the night sky, stars hazy overhead, bottles clinking against the rim as everyone crammed in shoulder to shoulder. ningning was the mastermind, of course — three beers in and declaring that the only logical next step was truth or dare.
yangyang had been fine all day, riding the edge between best friend comfort and the dizzy new weight of knowing he was in love with you. but now, with you pressed against his side in the crowded tub, legs brushing underwater, hair damp with steam and stray pieces sticking to your cheeks — he felt wrecked.
“okay, okay,” ningning grinned, pointing the empty bottle at him first, “birthday boy starts. truth or dare?”
“truth.”
“boo, boring,” ningning pouted, then leaned in, eyes glinting with mischief, “fine. who here would you most want to kiss?”
the group whooped immediately. renjun looked a little nervous. while xiaojun and hendery banged on the sides of the tub like a drumroll. yangyang’s throat closed. his eyes flickered sideways before he could stop himself — landing on you. you were laughing, shaking your head, splashing ningning in mock protest.
“pass,” yangyang muttered, heat rushing up to his neck.
“no passes on your birthday!,” ningning sang, a smug smile on her face.
yangyang only took another sip, stubbornly silent until henderey hollered, “coward!” and the group dissolved into laughter. the game spiraled from there. dares to shotgun beers, truths about old crushes, ningning trying to get hendery to admit he had feelings for someone. you were glowing from it all, laughter spilling free, leaning heavier into yangyang’s side with every drink. everyone was loose, loud, shoulders bumping and splashing. ningning, of course, was thriving, eyes glittering as she scanned the circle fo her next victim.
“alright, y/n,” she grinned, pointing the empty bottle at you, “truth or dare?”
you thought about it for a second or two, the past two turns you’ve picked truth and now you were drunk enough for something bolder — “dare.”
ningning smirked like she’d just thought of the juiciest thing in the world, “i dare you to—” her eyes flicked between you and yangyang, lingering on the way you were half draped against his side without ever realizing it, “—kiss the person you’d most want to take home tonight.”
the tub erupted in hoots, xiaojun’s obnoxious “ooooOooOoohhHHh,” hendery splashing water everywhere, love grinning from ear to ear, renjun smirked at yangyang with an eyebrow raised like he already knew your answer and was waiting for you to confirm it. your stomach dropped but your grin stayed, drunk and playful. you turned your face toward yangyang, meaning to laugh it off, to share the mortified joke with your best friend. but he was already looking at you. already too close. his eyes unreadable in the dim of the hot tub’s light.
the air shifted. everyone else was still howling, waiting, chanting, KISS, KISS, KISS.
you leaned in just the tiniest bit — maybe to play along, maybe because the alcohol made it too easy, maybe because you wanted to kiss him. then your lips brushed his cheek. quick. harmless. but his hand clenched under the water, near your thigh, and you swore you felt the way his breath caught.
“lammmeee!,” hendery groaned. renjun, though, was smirking like he’d seen something the others hadn’t.
the dares heightened after that. more splashing, more laughter, someone daring xiaojun to stay underwater for two minutes or post an ugly selfie on his instagram story. but then renjun, grinning wickedly, fixed his eyes on yangyang, daring — “truth or dare, yang.”
yangyang swiped his wet hair back, rolling his eyes, “fine. dare.”
his grin widened, “i dare you to let the person of your choice sit on your lap for the next three rounds.”
the group cheered, ningning literally cackling, renjun’s teasing smile burning into his mind because they both knew there was only one person he would choose. yangyang froze before playing it off, like it didn’t have any effect on him at all. he smirked faintly, masking the way his pulse spiked before turning to you and patting his thigh under the bubbling water, “come on, teddy…don’t keep them waiting.”
you punched him playfully on the shoulder, giggling, before taking your seat anyway. and yangyang swore the heat of the hot tub can’t even compare to the heat of your skin against his.
the game went on, laughter and half-slurred joked spilled into the night. everyone was a little loose, a little unguarded, the alcohol smoothing edges that usually stayed sharp. until you were sitting back against the hot tub wall, cheeks flushed from both the heat and the drink. yangyang sat beside you once again, thigh brushing yours underwater in that way that felt accidental but wasn’t.
“okay, back to you,” ningning said, pointing at you, “truth or dare?”
you groaned dramatically, already feeling like the game has been dragging on, “truth.”
renjun smirked like a cat who’d just spotted a cornered mouse, “have you ever had a crush on anyone in this circle?”
yangyang stiffened beside you so suddenly you could feel the ripple of tension run through him. your mouth opened, then closed. you knew it was supposed to be fun and harmless but the way everyone was leaning in made your heart thud in your chest.
“uh–,” you cleared your throat, fumbling, “...maybe,” you admitted, forcing a smile like you weren’t two seconds away from boiling alive. ningning clutched xiaojun’s arm, demanding names, hendery started throwing out wild guesses, starting with himself, and renjun looked smug as hell, satisfied with the chaos he’d caused.
before it could escalate, love, seemed to sense your discomfort. she shoots you a small smile before tugging on her boyfriend’s arm, laughing as she said, “okay, i think we’ve had our fun, come on junie, let’s go,” and when renjun protested, complaining about how the fun just started, love whispered something in his ear and not even a second after, they slipped out of the water together, exchanging a glance that was not so subtle about where they were headed. definitely not just to sleep. ningning yawned next, waving a lazy hand, “yeah, okay you can keep your secret, i’m too sleepy for this,” she padded off toward her room, towel wrapped around her shoulders. xiaojun and hendery weren’t far behind, drunkenly bickering about who had been the worst at the dares. their voices faded as they disappeared down the hall, leaving the night suddenly quiet except for the gentle hum of the hot hub.
it was just you and yangyang now.
the air felt different, heavier, the stars above wide and indifferent to the way your pulse quickened.
yangyang leaned back against the tub wall, tilting his head toward you with that lazy grin that always made him look like he knew too much, “so…,” he drawled, eyes gleaming the low light, “you’ve had a crush on someone here, huh?” his tone was teasingly playful, voice slurring ever so slightly with the beer in his system, but underneath it something flickered sharper like he wanted the answer more than he’d admit, “why’d you never tell me?”
you tipped your head, water glinting off your shoulders as you gave him a sly grin, “that’s not the question renjun asked.”
he let out a low laugh, shaking his head, hair damp against his forehead, “you’re annoying.”
the two of you sat there in silence for a while, the tension coiling tight as the bubbles hummed around you.
“alright,” you said suddenly, breaking the silence with a mischievous lilt, “truth or dare?”
he didn’t even hesitate, “truth.”
you leaned in just a little, eyes dancing, “what’s your birthday wish?”
his lips curved, but this time it wasn’t the usual playful smirk. it was softer, more dangerous, “my wish,” he said, voice low, “is for you to say dare.”
your chest tightened. the steam, the closeness, the weight of his gaze — it all pressed down at once but you nodded, pretending not to notice the way your pulse jumped. “fine. dare.”
his smirk returned but it didn’t reach his eyes. they stayed locked on you, unwavering, “i dare you…to kiss your crush.”
you barked out a laugh, shaking your head, “you realize how ridiculous that sounds? there’s only two of us left here.”
“i know,” yangyang said, serious now, the playfulness stripped away. his hand shifted under the water, brushing against your thigh, grounding and dangerous all at once, “that’s the point. i can’t watch you kiss anyone else.”
your pulse thundered in your ears. the weight of his confession hung between you, heavier than the steam, heavier then the alcohol in your veins.
you swallowed hard, your laugh breaking somewhere in your throat, “what?...” but he was already leaning closer. not enough to touch, not enough to cross the line just yet, but close enough that you felt the heat of his breath on your lips. his eyes flicked down, just once, before snapping back up to yours like was daring you to stop him. you didn’t. instead, your hand, like it had a mind of its own, reached up and curled into the damp hair at the back of his neck, tugging him down that last inch.
the kiss was clumsy at first, a brush of lips softened by too many beers but the second it landed, everything tilted. his mouth slanted over yours with a hunger that startled you both, like he’d been holding back for years without even realizing it. his hand found your waist, gripping tight, pulling you flush against him until you were straddling him, water sloshing over the edge of the hot tub. the taste of beer, the faint sting of chlorine, the low groan rumbling from his chest when you kissed him harder — it all blurred into something dizzying, something that felt far too good to be just a dare.
he pulled back just enough to breathe, lips dragging along your jaw before he caught your mouth again. between kisses, his voice rumbled low, teasing but raw around the edges.
“truth or dare?”
you laughed into his mouth, breathless, trying to kiss him again, “yang, seriously?”
“answer the question,” he murmured, lips still grazing yours like he couldn’t stay away.
“truth,” you murmured, too far gone to even think of anything else.
he stilled for half a beat, eyes burning into yours. then, softer than the steam curling around you, he asked, “do you still have a crush on me now?”
you didn’t bother answering his question with words. you leaned in, kissing him harder, pouring everything you didn’t dare say for the past five years into the press of your mouth. he melted into the kiss instantly, pulling you closer like he couldn’t get close enough.
when you finally pulled back for air, your lips brushed against his, whispering, “truth or dare?”
his chest rose against yours, heartbeat erratic beneath your palm, his voice came out rough, almost broken, “dare.”
your mouth curled into a small mischievous smile, though your pulse was thrumming so loud it was deafening, “i dare you…to take off my top.”
the words hung between you, heavy and dangerous. you both froze for a heartbeat, aware of exactly what you were doing. aware of the line being crossed, again, only deeper this time. yangyang’s eyes locked onto yours, molten and unflinching. his hands, still braced at your waist, slid upward, hesitating. and then, right before his fingers reached the tie of your bikini top, he stilled.
“teddy,” he said, voice low but certain, “this is not a mistake.”
you were breathing hard, your heart pounding erratically in your chest at the words you’ve been wanting to hear. your answer came without hesitation, raw and true, “good,” you whispered, leaning closer until your nose brushed his, “i never wanted it to be.”
your words seem to undo him. whatever hesitation that lingered in his chest cracked open, spilling into the space between you. his hand rose, fingers brushing against your damp skin, following the string at the nape of your neck. his gaze never left yours. not once. even as his thumb toyed with the knot of your bikini top, he held your eyes like he needed your permission written there. you nodded once, barely, but it was enough. with a slow tug, the knot gave, the strings loosening under his fingers. your heart pounded so loud you swore he could hear it, feel it. his hand slid down your back to find the second tie, undoing it with the same deliberate care. the fabric slackened, floating away between you until your chest pressed against his. his breath hitched, sharp and reverent, and he immediately pulled you closer, shielding you with his body, as if even the night air wasn’t worthy of seeing you.
“fuck,” he muttered under his breath, voice wrecked, forehead pressing against yours, “you’re gonna kill me.”
you let out a shaky laugh, wrapping your arms around his neck, feeling the heat of his skin against yours, “that’s dramatic.”
he laughed before his mouth claimed yours again and you felt the unmistakable press of him through his soaked shorts, spurring you on, hips moving on instinct, grinding down slowly, his low groan vibrating against your lips.
“shit, teddy–” his hands gripped your hips, fingers digging in like he was trying to anchor you. the scrape of his teeth caught your bottom lip before his mouth trailed lower. the kisses down your throat, over your collarbone, made you shiver even in the hot water. and then he found your breast, lips closing over your nipple, hot and wet and desperate. you gasped, clutching at his hair, arching against him as this tongue swirled over you.
“yangyang—” you whimpered, rocking against him harder, his groan rumbling against your chest, sending sparks straight to your core as his tongue flicked and sucked, the sensation making your head spin.
“fuck,” he rasped against your skin, pulling back just enough to look up at you, water dripping from his hair, eyes darker than you’d ever seen them, “you feel so good. you don’t even know what you’re doing to me.”
but you did know. you could feel him straining against his shorts with every grind of your hips. you could feel the heat in your stomach curling so hard, begging for release — your body continued rolling against him, nipples swollen from his mouth. the thin barrier of his shorts wasn’t enough anymore. and you know he’s thinking the same thing.
yangyang broke from your chest, breath ragged, voice cracking as he rasped, “teddy, i-i need to feel you….please.”
you pulled back just enough to look at him, your lips parted, your chest heaving. the sight of him — pupils blown wide, hair plastered to his forehead, jaw clenched like holding himself back was killing him, made you smirk through your own heavy breathing.
“no one’s stopping you.”
the words were a fuse. his hands shoved his shorts down beneath the water, the movement frantic, desperate. you pushed your bikini bottoms to the side, heat flooding every nerve as the head of his cock brushed against you.
you both gasped at the contact. he was thick, hot, even through the water pressing insistently against your entrance. for a second, yangyang’s hands froze on your hips, like he couldn’t believe this was happening.
“fuck, teddy—” he groaned as you took charge, lining him up, the initial intrusion causing his forehead to drop against your shoulder, voice shaking. “you’re so tight, i—” his voice broke off as you sank down onto him slowly, inch by inch, his cock stretching you open in a way that felt impossible.
“y-yeah? well–” you shuddered out a shaky laugh that melted into a whimper, nails digging into his shoulders, your body trembling, water sloshing gently against your back as you clung to him, he was so big you swore your breath caught in your throat, “you’re— fuck— you’re huge.”
the moment you were fully seated on him, both of you froze. it was too much. too good. nothing has ever felt so right before. your walls fluttered around him, greedy and unrelenting, and yangyang swore under his breath, a sound wrecked and reverent all at once.
“you feel—fuck—you feel unreal,” he panted, lifting his head just to kiss you — not rushed, not messy, but slow and deep. his tongue with yours, his lips moving in perfect rhythm, like he needed to savor the feel of you wrapped around him as much as he needed the air in his lungs.
you rolled your hips tentatively, a grinding movement that had the head of his cock dragging against every tender spot inside you, both of you moaning into each other’s mouths, the sound swallowed in the kiss.
“holy shit,” he breathed against your lips, his grip tightening when you did it again, slower this time, testing just how much of him you could take. the water shifted with every grind, bubbles brushing your bare chest as his mouth dropped back to your nipple, sucking softly, as if the added pleasure would distract him from how close he already felt.
your fingers tangled in his damp hair, tugging gently, “yangyang—oh my god—you feel so good” you cut yourself off with another whimper, grinding down harder. every grind sent sparks shooting up your spine, left your lips parting against his in a helpless moan. yangyang was shaking under you, every muscle pulled tight like he was trying to hold himself back.
but restraint couldn’t last.
you rocked against him harder, deeper, chasing that spot inside you that made your thighs tremble. his grip on your waist turned desperate, nails digging into your damp skin as though anchoring himself from falling apart too fast. the water sloshed around you, hot and slick, bubbling higher with each movement.
“f-fuck, teddy—” his voice cracked on your nickname, raw and reverent all at once. “i can’t—god, you’re so perfect.”
you moaned into his mouth, biting at his bottom lip as you rolled your hips again. your nails clawed down his back, urging him closer, deeper, “don’t hold back,” you whispered, breathless, half a plea and half a dare.
that undid him. his hands slid from your waist to your ass, hauling you down with every thrust of his hips. the rhythm shifted — messy, uneven, full of wet slaps and broken moans. every push of him inside you had you gasping into his neck, your body quivering against his. the hot tub water splashed against the sides, the whole night echoing with the sound of skin against skin and the helpless noises spilling out of your throats.
yangyang’s mouth was everywhere — your jaw, your throat, your nipple caught between his teeth before he soothed the sting with his tongue. each kiss felt like him branding you, marking you as his.
“teddy, i—shit—” his words tumbled out between gasps, his forehead pressing against yours again, sweat and water dripping down his temples, “i need more, i need all of you—”
before you could even respond, his arms slid beneath you, hoisting you up effortlessly. a squeak tore from your throat as your body hit the cool night air, suddenly perched on the slick edge of the hot tub. goosebumps prickled your skin, but then he surged forward, slipping back inside you in one deep thrust — your body yielding around him like it had been made for him all along.
it was overwhelming. without the drag of the water, yangyang had total control now, and every snap of his hips hit so much harder. your thighs trembled as you clung to his shoulders, meeting every desperate grind, every bruising thrust. the rhythm turned frantic — like all those years of buried tension had come bursting out at once, and now you both couldn’t stop even if you wanted to.
“yangyang—oh my god—” you cried, head falling back, nails leaving red trails down his slick shoulders.
“i’ve got you,” he groaned against your chest, voice ragged and low, before his mouth latched onto your nipple, sucking hungrily. his hips never faltered, each thrust driving you further against the edge, the sound of wet skin slapping echoing sharp against the bubbling water behind him.
pressure coiled unbearably hot and tight in your belly. your fingers tangled in his hair, yanking his mouth up to yours in a messy, desperate kiss. you moaned into him as you ground down harder, and then it broke — your body seized, thighs locking around his waist as pleasure crashed over you in waves, his name tearing from your throat in sobbed cries.
yangyang lost it the second he felt you tighten. his hips jerked erratically, a guttural groan ripped from deep in his chest. “fuck—teddy, i’m coming—oh, fuck—” he buried himself deep, spilling inside you, heat flooding you as his release poured out in thick pulses, making you clench tighter around him. neither of you cared that he came inside. you both kept grinding, chasing every last ounce of it, until the tremors finally slowed. he slumped against you, chest heaving, lips brushing your temple, cock still throbbing inside you, the connection grounding you as the steam rose around your trembling bodies.
you shut your eyes, resting your cheek against his damp hair, listening to the frantic rhythm of his heart, catching your breath. when you finally opened them, his gaze was already fixed on you, dark and unreadable, like he was holding something back. instead of words, he kissed you—slow and soft, a promise tucked inside the gentleness. a way to show that this wasn’t just a one time thing.
silence fell again, heavy with steam and the sound of water bubbling. after a long moment, you whispered, voice raspy, “let’s go to bed, yang.”
his arms tightened around your waist like he didn’t want to let go, then finally loosened. “yeah. okay.”
you slid off his lap carefully, tugging your bikini into place as your shared juices dripped down your thighs and into the water, body still buzzing from him. yangyang climbed out after you, quieter than usual, grabbing a towel—his eyes flicking toward you, then away, like he wasn’t ready to break the spell just yet.
🧸 OCTOBER 11 - SUNDAY - ONE MORE TRUTH.
the two of you split off into separate bathrooms, water running in unison. under the spray, you pressed your palms to the tiled wall, letting it scald your shoulders. the memory of his hands on your body replayed relentlessly — the way he’d held you so tightly in the water, like he was afraid you’d disappear. it hadn’t just been sex. that much you couldn’t lie about, not even to yourself.
yangyang was telling himself the same thing in his shower, he leaned against the wall, eyes shut, trying to steady the rush still coursing through him. he could still feel the shape of you around him, still hear the way you’d said his name, soft and broken. he wanted to call it heat, or alcohol, or just a dare gone too far. but none of that explained the way his chest had clenched when you looked at him, like you were his before either of you said a word.
you move slower than you mean to — careful, deliberate steps as if the floorboards might betray you. your hair is still damp, the oversized shirt clinging to your shoulders, the cotton cool against your skin. when you padded into the bedroom, he was already there. propped against the headboard, scrolling half-heartedly through his phone. he glanced up the second the door clicked, and his mouth tugged into a soft, almost shy smile. he patted the space beside him, “come here.”
the invitation is ordinary, an old habit. you hesitate only because there’s a seam of something new under it, the after of what you did in the water, the newness of the words neither of you have fully confessed yet. you matched his smile and climbed onto the bed.
the awkwardness buzzed faintly between you. the sheet is warm where you settle, his arm wraps around you without thinking. it’s automatic and it’s everything. for a long beat you let the familiar do the work — his chin resting softy on top of your head, the slow, steady cadence of his breath, the way his chest feels against your back, his arms wrapping around your middle. your breaths begin to line up, one inhale, one exhale, a private metronome.
the words that have been circling your chest all night press at the edges again. “what happens now?” you murmured, barely above a whisper.
he doesn’t answer right away, but you feel he pause in his steady heartbeat, “can i tell you another truth?” he asks, voice small in a way you’ve never heard from him before. you twist in his arms, turning so your face is level with his. the lamp casts half his features in soft glow. for a second, the room shrinks to the space between your chests, your foreheads almost touching. when you’re this close your heart does that thing it always does — it remembers every stupid, tender moment you’ve ever shared.
“what’s your truth?” you whisper.
he swallows nervously. his thumb softly swiping over the back of your hand, finding that spot he always does when he’s trying to steady himself–
“teddy—” he takes a deep breath, his gaze solely focused on yours, “i’m in love with you.”
it lands softer than you expected, quiet and seismic all at once. for a beat you only hear the blood in your ears and the faint rasp of his breath. his confession sits on the air between you, vulnerable and impossible. you’ve imagined this. rehearsed it in the quiet parts of late nights for years. but you always thought it would come from your lips, not his.
your mouth quirked before your brain caught up. small at first but honest, “about time,” you breathed, and the laugh that followed was wet and relieved, breaking out of you like a release valve.
he blinked, a strangled laugh tumbling from him out of sheer surprise, then a tiny, disbelieving smile split his face wide, “about time?” he echoed, like it was the most ridiculous and wonderful thing he’d ever heard.
you reach up and press your palm to his cheek, grounding the both of you, “yeah…i’ve been in love with you for a long time,” you admitted, softer than you meant, confession spilling out now because the shape of him in the dark makes honesty easier than pretending, “you just… finally caught up.”
his eyes widened, awe bleeding into guilt, like he couldn’t believe what he just heard, like he couldn’t imagine why he never noticed it before, “but,” he mumbled, voice tightening, “but what about shotaro?”
you giggled, the sound soft but sure, “i told you,” you said, “we just fuck sometimes.” his fingers clamped possessively at your waist without thinking, grip tightening in a way that made your breath catch. the thought of you with another man had a new jagged edge to it now. he didn’t even want to picture it.
“he knows,” you went on gently, eyes searching his, “…about me being in love with you. that’s why it’s easy with him. there’s no feelings involved,” your voice dropped smaller, more vulnerable. “there never were.”
yangyang’s face lifted, a slow, unreadable expression dawning across his features. he couldn’t believe his ears. none of it made sense — how you could have been in love with him all this time and he never noticed? he tries coming up with another excuse.
“but i saw you two cuddling on the couch…after we–” he confessed, faltering on purpose, “then you guys went on a date–”
you shook your head firmly, voice steady, “he was at my place because i cussed him out for initiating the whole seven minutes game,” you said, the memory of that party still sharp, “i got mad at him because i thought our friendship was ruined — and that wasn’t a date. it was a favor. nothing more.” you tucked your hand behind his neck, fingers threading into his hair, and the nervousness in his shoulders began to unravel as he leaned into your touch.
“god, i’m such an idiot,” he laughed, brittle around the edges.
“you always were the slower one,” you tease, thumb stroking the curve of his cheek. the old banter folds in around the new truths like a familiar blanket, “i was always the smarter one between the two of us.”
he snorts, that almost annoyed noise that used to end argument when you were kids. but it’s softer now, threading through with something like wonder, “how long have you been in love with me?”
you smiled shyly, eyes dropping before you forced them back up to his, “like…five years.”
“teddy—” he groaned, burying his face in your shoulder for a second before pulling back with wide, disbelieving eyes. “you kept a secret from me for five years?!”
“hey! you can’t blame me!,” you pouted, “how was i supposed to tell you i was in love with you when you had girl after girl…and then you fell in love and it all just felt…too late. plus i’d rather be your friend forever than lose you.”
yangyang looked at you with something between amusement and heartbreak at your outburst, his lips twitching into a helpless smile, “well…i can’t be just friends anymore,” he said finally, certain in a way that left no space for argument. your chest ached, the good kind, the kind that made everything inside you expand all at once. you cupped his jaw, tilting your face up before your courage could falter. and then you kissed him. it wasn’t like the hot tub or that drunken night. that had been fevered, messy, reckless with want. this — this was slow. careful. the kind of reverence that made your pulse stumble, his hand cradling the back of your neck as if you were something fragile.
but then, right as his thumb traced the corner of your jaw, right as you felt him about to tilt you back into the mattress — you broke into a laugh against his lips. yangyang pulled back, frowning, breath warm against your cheek, “why are you laughing?”
you covered your mouth, still giggling helplessly, “i just—,” your shoulders shook as the absurdity of it all rushed through you, “i can’t believe i’m making out with my best friend.”
his brows furrowed, feeling offended, though his eyes betrayed the smile fighting to break through. he leaned back just enough to glare at you playfully, “correction. you’re making out with your boyfriend.”
the word hit your ears like a spark, and your laugh turned into a grin you couldn’t contain, “boyfriend, huh?” you teased, eyes glinting.
“yeah,” he tugged you back into him with a cocky little tilt of his head, lips brushing yours again, “better get used to it, teddy. i’m not letting you downgrade me to ‘best friend’ ever again.”
but then he tilted his head down, catching the way you were staring at him with an amused expression. “what now?” he asked, suspicious.
you smirked, “just trying to process that my best friend is suddenly my boyfriend.”
he groaned, tossing his head back dramatically against the pillows, “well…process it faster.”
you giggled, nudging his ribs with your elbow. “fine, fine. you’re my boyfriend. happy?”
he angled his gaze back down at you, eyes gleaming, “say it again.”
you rolled your eyes, grinning, “pushy. typical boyfriend behavior already.”
“better than being your dumb, oblivious best friend you secretly loved for five years,” he shot back, pinching your side until you squealed. the room filled with your laughter, tangled together in that familiar, easy way that had always belonged to you.
but when the laughter quieted, his hand didn’t move from your waist. instead, his thumb brushed over your hipbone slowly, thoughtful, like he was weighing something in his head. his voice dropped lower, softer, “you know…i need to make up for that night.”
“yangyang—” you started, nerves and anticipation colliding.
but he was already shifting, pressing his lips to your temple, then your cheek, then the line of your jaw. each kiss deliberate, unhurried, “that night was sloppy. messy. we were too drunk to know what we were doing,” his fingers skimmed under the hem of your shirt, teasing bare skin as his mouth trailed down your throat, “you deserve better than that. you deserve me… taking my time.” heat flushed through you as he rolled you gently onto your back, his body hovering above yours. the lamp light traced the sharp edges of his features, the tenderness in his eyes. slowly, carefully, he pushed your shirt up, enough to cup your breasts in his hands, pressing kisses on each one, then lower to the curve of your stomach. each one softer than the last, reverent in a way that made your pulse stutter.
when his fingers reached the waistband of your shorts, he glanced up at you, pausing just long enough to let you breathe him in, “let me make it up to you,” he murmured, voice wrecked and earnest. his words settled over you like a vow. you nodded, breath shaky, and his lips curved into something soft before he dipped back down, resuming his trail of kisses. every inch of you got his attention like he was memorizing it. he tugged your shorts down slowly, as if he wanted you to feel the air, the anticipation, the way his fingers brushed your thighs when he peeled the fabric away.
your pulse was erratic, your skin buzzing. he kissed down the inside of your thigh with the same patience he’d shown everywhere else, alternating between soft presses and teasing grazes that had your legs twitching. two of his fingers pressed down on your clit, rubbing slow circles, and your breath hitched causing him to look up at you through his lashes, hair falling into his eyes. the sight alone nearly unraveled you.
“you okay?” he asked, voice low, thumb brushing circles on your hip.
“yeah,” you whispered, your throat tight, “better than okay.”
his smile was quick, almost boyish, before his mouth took over, kissing your clit. then he swiped his tongue, slow and deliberate, through your folds. you gasped, back arching at the contact and he hummed against you, pleased, doing it again — unhurried, savoring the taste of you like it was something he’d been starving for.
“god, teddy…” he murmured between licks, his breath hot against your skin, “you taste so much better when i’m not drunk out of my mind.” your laugh came out strangled, breaking on a moan when his tongue circled your clit with devastating precision. he licked you slowly, thoroughly, like he was relearning you sober — mapping every reaction, every breathless sound you made. his hands pinned your thighs gently apart, thumbs stroking comfort into your skin as his mouth worked lower, then back up again, dragging out your pleasure.
you tangled your fingers in his hair, tugging when the intensity built, but he only groaned into you and pressed closer, like he wanted you to fall apart. right there. every flick of his tongue was patient, teasing, until he found the rhythm that made you cry out his name. he pulled back just slightly, lips shiny, eyes blown wide with heat as he looked up at you, “this pussy’s mine now. you know that, right?”
the dirty talk had you reeling. you nodded desperately, words falling apart in your throat, “y-yeah—yang, please, don’t stop.”
he smirked, dipping his head again, his tongue flattening against you in a long, devastating drag, “didn’t plan on it.” and then he devoured you properly — no rush, no hesitation, just steady, reverent focus, kissing and licking you like he was worshipping every inch of you. the slow build had you trembling, the coil in your stomach winding tighter with every deliberate movement until all you could do was gasp his name and hold on. yangyang didn’t let up. every kiss, every slow flick of his tongue was intentional, drawing you higher and higher until you were trembling under him. he alternated between teasing circles and deeper, more insistent strokes, pulling soft whimpers and gasps from your throat that you couldn’t bite back, each one turning into a loud moan, unfiltered.
“teddy,” he murmured against you, voice wrecked, “you’re shaking.”
you tried to reply, but the words dissolved into a moan as he wrapped his lips around your clit and sucked, slow and steady, until your back arched off the mattress — the pleasure coiling so tightly it felt like your body couldn’t contain it. when you finally broke, it was sharp and overwhelming, your fingers pulling helplessly at his hair as waves of heat rolled through you. he held you down through it, tongue softening but never leaving you, coaxing every aftershock until you were pushing him away. only when your thighs stopped trembling did he finally ease back, pressing one last kiss against your sensitive skin before lifting his head. his lips glistened, his hair was a mess, and his smile was small but devastatingly fond.
“that’s how it should’ve been,” he said, voice hoarse, as he climbed up and pressed a tongue filled kiss on your lips, letting you taste yourself on him, as he pulled your shirt back down, carefully covering you.
you let out a weak laugh, body so relaxed you almost slipped into darkness. when his weight settled against your side, you curled into him, face pressing into his shoulder. there was only the sound of your breath evening out, the warmth of him grounding. but then you shifted, reaching for the waistband of his sweats with fumbling fingers, “your turn,” you whispered, trying to push past your sleepiness.
he caught your wrist easily, chuckling, pressing a kiss to your knuckles, “you can barely keep your eyes open, teddy,” he teased softly, brushing damp strands of hair from your forehead.
“i can do it,” you argued weakly, though your body betrayed you with a sleepy yawn.
yangyang laughed again, low and gentle, kissing the crown of your head as he tucked you closer into his chest, “we have all the time in the world for that next time,” he murmured, then his grin turned playful, “but i can’t believe i fucked you out just from that, look at me already being the best boyfriend.”
that earned a weak swat against his chest, “you’re so full of yourself…it’s the beer’s fault, not you.”
he ignores that with a playful eye roll, “and you,” he leaned down to murmur against your temple, “are so loud. i swear, everyone in this house knows what we just did.”
your cheeks burned as you smacked him again, though it lacked any heat, “shut up.”
yangyang laughed, that low, husky sound that made your stomach flip, “i’m not complaining, it was really hot…but i’m just saying, teddy, if you wanted to announce we’re official, there were easier ways.”
you buried your face deeper into his chest, muttering, “i hate you.”
his arms tightened around you instantly, the teasing giving way to something softer, “no, you don’t.”
he kissed your hair, then added with a smile you could hear in his voice, “but i love you.” you pulled him tighter, too sleepy for anything else, earning a chuckle from him again, as he pulled the blanket up around both of you, tucking it securely like he never wanted to let you go.
•ᴥ•
the morning light filtered pale and soft through the curtains when you blinked awake. yangyang was still out cold beside you, one arm draped heavy over your waist, hair sticking up in every possible direction. his lips were parted, breathing slow and even, his face so boyish in sleep. you smile, brushing a stray bang from his forehead. you lay there, soaking in the impossible reality that this was real now — your best friend. your boyfriend.
carefully, you slipped out from under his arm, pulling the blanket back over him when he shifted but didn’t wake. one last glance, one last smile at his messy hair and you padded out of the room.
the kitchen was already buzzing when you joined. love was flipping pancakes while renjun brewed coffee. xiaojun and hendery were arguing over whether eggs needed more salt. ningning sat cross-legged on the counter, scrolling through her phone.
“morning,” you greeted, slipping in to help set plates and pour juice like nothing monumental had happened last night.
“morning,” came the chorus back, everyone too groggy and hungover to notice the spring in your step.
it wasn’t until the smell of coffee filled the air and laughter started to break through the collective hangover fog that footsteps sounded down the hall. yangyang stumbled out, hair still wild, shirt hanging crooked. he rubbed at his eyes, yawning so wide it made ningning snort. and then he saw you — without hesitation, without even remembering himself, he crossed the room, slid behind you, and wrapped his arms around your waist. his chin hooked over your shoulder, his voice still thick with sleep as he mumbled, “why’d you leave me, teddy?”
before you could answer, he pressed a lazy kiss to your temple. then another to your cheek. and then, without any warning, like it was the most natural thing in the world, he turned your face toward his and kissed you full on the mouth.
the kitchen froze. you felt your stomach drop at the exact second the room exploded.
“FINALLY!!!” ningning practically shrieked, nearly dropping her phone she slammed it down dramatically, “i told you guys! i told you!”
“YES!,” xiaojun cheered, throwing his arms up in celebration, “hendery, you owe me fifty bucks.”
“wait, what?!” you and yangyang whirled on the two boys, “you placed bets?!” yangyang asked, bewildered.
renjun smiled into his coffee, amused and smug, “called it,” he muttered, loud enough for yangyang to hear.
love was quieter than the rest — her pancakes cooked to perfection. she stared at the two of you for a beat, then let out a soft laugh that carried more relief than surprise, “i always knew there was… more,” she admitted, shaking her head. “guess i wasn’t crazy after all,” she glanced at renjun, who returns her smile.
yangyang tightened his grip, looking around in surprise, “what? it wasn't that obvious??”
“it literally was!” you hissed, elbowing him in the ribs, which only made them laugh louder. the kitchen filling with overlapping voices, mock cheers, and clattering dishes.
🧸 OCTOBER 12 - MONDAY - BUSY.
the evening settled lazy and quiet in your apartment, the glow of teen wolf flickering across the living room. you and yangyang were tangled up on the couch. the world outside didn’t exist — it was just you, him, and the muffled sound of werewolves snarling on screen. everything was normal. yet everything felt different. every so often he’d murmur commentary, usually something dumb like, “i could totally fight that guy if i had claws” or “why is derek always brooding, like calm down dude.” you’d swat him half-heartedly, but your cheek would hurt from smiling.
your phone buzzed where it rested on the coffee table. yangyang, closest, picked it up without thinking — the way best friends always did. but his entire body went rigid when he saw the name.
shotaro. his eyes flicked to you, then back to the glowing screen. the message was simple, casual.
shotaro: u busy?
you felt your stomach dip. you both knew what that meant. a code for hooking up. you opened your mouth, to grab the phone, to explain, you weren’t sure, but yangyang beat you to it. with a calmness that didn’t match the sharp edge in his jaw, he typed back:
y/n: she is busy. this is yangyang. her boyfriend.
you blinked, “yangyang—”
“he can’t keep texting you this,” he said, trying to conceal the jealousy in his tone. your heart hammered in your chest, torn between exasperation and the giddy flutter of seeing him like this, finding it amusing.
“you’re cute when you’re jealous,” you point out, a tiny smirk on your lips.
“i’m not jealous,” he retorts but the pout on his lips says otherwise.
you kissed it away quickly, making him chase your lips in the process before your giggle snaps his eyes open, “yang, you have nothing to worry about, mu heart is yours and yours only, everyone knows that,” you reassure him, a soft smile on your lips. before he could reply, your phone buzzed, shotaro’s message coming in.
shotaro: 😂😂😂😂😂
shotaro: finally dude, took you long enough!
shotaro: congrats lovebirds ☺️
you couldn’t help it — laughter burst out of you, bubbling until your cheeks hurt, “told you so.”
he shot you a look, somewhere between sulking and pouting, and rolled his eyes hard enough you thought they might get stuck, “this is embarrassing. you’re never letting me live this down, are you?” he muttered.
“not a chance.” you grinned, tucking your face into his shoulder, still giggling. you glanced at him through your lashes, biting back a grin, “well,” you murmured, voice lilting with a mix of tease and challenge, “now that you told him i’m busy, you gotta actually keep me busy.”
yangyang’s smirk was immediate, lazy and smug as he shifted to face you fully, “is that your way of saying you want to have sex with me?”
your cheeks burned instantly, “god, do you have to say it like that?”
yangyang leaned in until the space between you shrank, his hand curling gently around your thigh, “so… should i take that as a yes?” his voice dipped lower, teasing but not careless, like he wanted to hear it from you.
your heart gave a traitorous skip, and you rolled your eyes to cover it up, “just kiss me, dummy.” his grin softened into something quieter, sweeter, and he obeyed without another word. the kiss started light — his lips just brushing yours, testing, as though reminding both of you that this wasn’t like all the half-drunk makeouts of the past. he lingered there, pressing his mouth to yours until your hand came up on instinct to curl in his hoodie, pulling him closer. he tugged your shorts down with ease, hand sliding down your ass, cupping and squeezing like he couldn’t help himself.
by the time you pulled back, your breathing was already uneven. “yang…”
“ride my face,” he murmured, tugging your panties off, the suggestion making you clench on instinct.
“wait, what—”
he hushed you with another kiss, murmuring a “please,” against your mouth before he pulled away. yangyang leaned back on the couch, hair already messy from your tugging fingers, lips pink and swollen from kissing.
“yang—are you sure?”
“come here,” he said, voice low, guiding you until you were hovering above his head.
your palms flattened against the armrest for support, the position leaving you open, trembling. “yangyang, this is—”
“exactly what i want,” he cut in, his breath hot against you. his hands clamped onto your thighs, pulling you down until you were seated fully on his mouth. his nose brushed you, tongue working slow and firm, and you couldn’t stop the sound that ripped from your throat.
“yang—oh, my god—”
he groaned at your taste, the vibrations shooting straight through you. his eyes fluttered shut, messy blond hair fanning out over the cushions, hips twitching helplessly.
“fuck, you’re soaked,” he mumbled against you, his voice muffled and wrecked, “taste so sweet—you’re gonna make me cum in my pants.”
the filthy admission sent heat ripping through you. your nails dug into the armrest, your hips grinding down carefully, whines of desperation slipping from your lips, each second feeling better and better.
“take what you want teddy, c’mon, don’t be shy,” his grip tightened, holding you in place as he guided you to rock against him faster.
no longer able to control yourself, you chased the pleasure, faster and faster, eyes rolling back. the sound of your own wetness mixing with his low groans spurring you on even more. each time you ground down, he moaned like he was being fed something he’d craved for years. his chin and jaw were slick, shining with you, his tongue never faltering.
“feels so—” your voice broke, your thighs trembling harder, “so good, yangyang—”
he pulled back just enough to gasp in a breath, voice hoarse and wrecked, “yeah? then ride my face, teddy. just like that. don’t stop for me.”
the filthy words shattered the last bit of control you had. your fingers tangled into his hair, tugging hard, your thighs squeezing tighter around his head as you used him. his tongue met every desperate grind, licking broad and greedy, then flicking sharp and precise right where you needed him. you couldn’t hold back the sounds tearing out of you — half-moan, half-whimper.
yangyang’s eyes were glazed over, pupils blown wide as he looked up at you from between your thighs, sweat-damp hair plastered to his forehead. his jaw flexed as he pushed his tongue deeper, then dragged it up, slow and heavy, sucking your clit into his mouth until your hips bucked.
“fucking love this,” he groaned into you, the words muffled but hot against your skin, “love the way you use me.” he was so turned on, so wrecked from eating you out, that he was leaking through the fabric of his sweats without even touching himself.
you fisted his hair tighter, gasping, “yangyang—i’m gonna—”
his tongue flicked rapid and merciless now, sucking at your clit with each drag, matching the frantic way your hips were moving. he growled low, the vibration shaking through you, and it was too much. your climax ripped through you, sharp and blinding, thighs clamping down around his head as you cried out, grinding hard against his face. he moaned into you like he’d just been given everything he ever wanted, holding you down, tongue working you through every wave until your body shuddered and went slack. you slumped against the armrest, chest heaving, sweat slick on your skin.
below you, yangyang looked utterly ruined — mouth and chin drenched with you, lips swollen, pupils blown. he licked one last lazy stripe up your folds before pressing a wet kiss to your inner thigh, his breathing as ragged as yours.
“prettiest sight i’ve ever seen,” he murmured, voice hoarse, his cock straining visibly under the damp patch of his sweats, “you falling apart on me like that.”
your thighs were still trembling when you finally shifted off his face, sinking down onto the couch beside him. yangyang’s chest was heaving, lips red and swollen, chin slick with you. he looked so dazed that for a second you forgot how to breathe — then you leaned in and kissed him, tasting yourself on his mouth.
when you settled against him, your eyes dropped lower — that’s when you saw it. the front of his grey sweats was completely soaked through, darkened with a wet patch that left nothing to the imagination. he was painfully hard, twitching under the damp fabric, leaking without ever laying a hand on himself. you leaned in closer, lips brushing his jaw.
“that turned you on that bad? just me riding your face?” your hand slipped down, palming him through the damp fabric in awe, feeling the heat and the twitch of his cock straining against the thin material.
he groaned, head dropping back against the couch, “teddy—don’t—”
“don’t what?” you teased, giggling, palm pressing firmer against him, slow circles over the soaked outline, “thought you liked being used.”
his hips bucked up against your hand, giving him away, “you’re evil,” he groaned, voice tight, eyes screwing shut, “making fun of me when i’ve been leaking for you this whole time.”
you grinned, dragging your palm over him again, deliberate and slow, “you leaking for me, huh? that’s cute.”
“cute?” he cracked one eye open to glare at you, but his voice cracked halfway through.
you bit back a laugh, leaning in to kiss the corner of his mouth while your hand kept working him through the damp sweats. “yeah. cute. my big…” you squeezed his cock, making him whimper, “—needy boyfriend can’t even keep it together.”
his groan turned into a laugh, but he can’t hind the blush creeping up his ears, breathless and wrecked, “you’re gonna regret teasing me when i’m inside you.”
your teasing hand finally slipped past the waistband of his sweats — fingers wrapping around the hot, heavy length of him. you pumped him once, twice, slow but firm, and he shuddered under your touch, small whimpers slipping from his lips. the sheer weight of him in your hand, the way he throbbed against your palm, the noises he made, all made your stomach flip.
“god, yang—” you breathed, squeezing him just enough to make his hips jerk. “you’re so hard. already leaking everywhere for me.”
his breath hitched, hips bucking into your hand. his fingers clenched at your thigh like he was holding himself back, “teddy—stop—”
you tilted your head, pretending innocence, “stop?”
he pushed your hand away, chest rising and falling unevenly, “i’m not—” he groaned, frustrated with himself, “i’m not cumming in your hand. not tonight.”
you blinked, a little dazed, your hand still tingling from the heat of him, “then what—”
but before you could finish, he leaned forward, catching your mouth in a rough kiss, all tongue and teeth and pent-up hunger. his hands were already at your shirt, finally tugging it over your head, leaving you completely bare for him.
when you gasped against his mouth, he muttered against your lips, “if i’m gonna cum, it’s gonna be inside you.” your breath caught at the blunt honesty, your body arching into his touch as he pulled his own shirt off completely and pushed his sweats down. he guided you back onto the couch cushions, hovering over you with a look that made your pulse skip.
the kisses had deepened, slower but heavier, with his hands skimming up your sides like he was learning a new map. you shifted nervously against him, letting out a tiny laugh that broke the kiss.
“this is still so weird,” you whispered, in between giggles and kisses.
yangyang laughed too, the sound vibrating through his chest where you pressed against him, tilting your chin back up so he could kiss the corner of your jaw, “it’s weird that it took us thirteen years.”
you gave him a playful glare, but your lips betrayed you by curving up into a smile, “and who set that system up?”
he laughed, kissing you again. he took his time with each inch of skin revealed, drawing tiny shivers out of you that you tried and failed to hide.
“stop smiling,” you muttered breathlessly as he pressed another kiss just below your jaw.
“can’t help it,” he said, voice muffled against your skin, “you’re so beautiful, i should be allowed to gawk.”
“you’re annoying.”
“you love me.”
“i love you.”
he pulled you into another kiss, deeper this time, as he lined himself up against your entrance. when yangyang finally pressed into you, the air punched right out of your lungs. slow, steady, deliberate — like he was trying to memorize the exact moment you fit around him. your fingers dug into his shoulders, nails leaving tiny crescents in his skin as you gasped, “jesus, yang—”
he stilled immediately, eyes wide, chest heaving, “too much?”
you shook your head quickly, breathless laughter breaking out of you even as you squirmed around the thick, heavy stretch, “no — just… how are you this big?”
yangyang groaned, dropping his forehead onto your shoulder, “don’t say that right now.”
“why not?” you teased, threading your fingers through his messy hair, tugging just enough to make him lift his head again.
“because—” he grit out, rolling his hips an inch deeper just to prove a point, “—if you keep saying that, i’m gonna embarrass myself and cum before i even get started.”
you burst into a giggle, though the way your body fluttered around him betrayed just how much the words got to you, “oh my god, are you seriously admitting that?”
he scowled at you, but the corners of his mouth twitched upward, “we’ve been best friends for thirteen years. i don’t get to lie anymore.”
“you never could lie,” you shot back, kissing his jaw in between your laughs, “you get this stupid vein in your forehead—”
“stop—” he groaned again, cutting you off with a kiss, sloppy and urgent, like he had to shut you up before you completely ruined him.
but you were still grinning into it, tugging him closer, whispering against his lips, “biggest i’ve ever had, by the way.”
he made a strangled noise, hips jerking forward before he forced himself to stop, “okay — no. if you don’t want this to end in sixty seconds, shut up.”
you smirked wickedly, wrapping your legs tighter around his waist, “fine. but only because i want to enjoy it.” his eyes darkened, his jaw tightening as he pushed in the rest of the way, every inch making you gasp and cling to him harder. the stretch burned, but it was the good kind—the kind that had your toes curling and your chest arching up against his.
yangyang groaned, forehead pressed to yours, his breath shaky, “god, you feel… so fucking good.”
“yeah?” you whispered, brushing your lips against his, your grin still lingering despite how wrecked you already felt.
“yeah,” he rasped, kissing you again, slower this time, his hips finally beginning to move. you clung tighter, every roll dragging a breathy sound from your throat you couldn’t bite back.
you clenched around him and he broke the kiss with a shaky laugh, brushing his thumb over your cheek, “you’re seriously trying to kill me, huh?”
you managed a grin between gasps, “pretty sure you’re the one doing the damage.”
“not my fault you’re…” he trailed off with a groan as your nails raked lightly down his back, “…tight as hell.”
you giggled, half-wrecked already. “not my fault you fill me up so well.”
his head dropped to your shoulder again, muffling a desperate laugh-groan into your skin, “shut up,” he whined, voice cracking adorably. but the way his hips snapped a little deeper, a little harder, told you he liked it—liked your teasing, liked the way you couldn’t keep quiet with him inside you.
when you hooked your ankles at his lower back to drag him closer, he hissed and shifted, suddenly lifting one of your legs up, then the other, until both were resting against his shoulders. the new angle made you gasp so sharply it turned into a moan, “y-yang—holy shit—”
he froze, smirking down at you even as sweat dripped at his temple, “that good?”
you shot him a dazed glare, though your hips rolled up to meet his without thought, “don’t… act smug—”
he pushed in deep, bottoming out so hard you saw stars. your words broke off into a strangled cry, and yangyang groaned low, burying his face in your neck, “fuck—you’re squeezing me.”
“i can’t help it,” you gasped, grabbing at the back of his neck, pulling him up for another messy kiss, “you’re—god—you’re so—”
“don’t say it,” he cut in quickly, panting against your mouth, “don’t say it or i’m done for.” you bit back your laugh, kissing him harder just to swallow the desperate sound you made when he hit that spot again. the pace stayed slow but deep, each thrust driving impossibly far with your legs curled over his shoulders. his hands gripped your thighs tight, fingers flexing like he needed to hold on or he’d lose it.
you moaned his name, breathless, tugging at his hair, “yangyang—”
he pulled back just enough to look at you, his face twisted in concentration, lips red and swollen, “yeah, teddy?”
“i love you,” you whispered, voice breaking, laughter tangled up with need.
he kissed you again, deeper this time, whispering against your lips, “i love you, too.”
his rhythm stayed deep and unhurried, every thrust dragging a sharp cry from you that melted into laughter, into gasps, into his name spilling again and again. then his hand slipped between the two of you, thumb rubbing harsh, precise circles on your clit, pushing you over the edge. your nails scratched at his back, tugged at his hair, every nerve in your body sparking, “y-yang… i’m gonna—,”
“i know, teddy, i know,” he murmured, voice breaking as he kissed your cheek, your mouth, the corner of your jaw, “come all over me, please.”
that was all it took. your body clenched tight around him, and the climax crashed through you, head tipping back against the couch cushion as you moaned his name. he kissed you through it, swallowing every sound, hips stuttering at the way you squeezed around him dragging him to his own climax, “fuck—gripping me so tight—i’m gonna come.”
your body was still fluttering around him when you gasped out, broken and breathless, “inside—please, yang, i want it inside—”
for a moment, he froze, eyes going wide like you’d just asked him to set the world on fire, “are—” his voice cracked, hips faltering, “are you sure?”
you tugged him down, kissing him hard, desperate, your voice wrecked against his lips, “please—please, yang,” you whined.
something in him snapped at that. his groan was raw, guttural, as he buried himself to the hilt, grinding deep enough to steal your breath. his forehead pressed against yours, sweat dripping at his temple as he muttered, “fuck—gonna cum—inside you, teddy—,”
your nails dug into his back, pulling him closer, “do it, yang. want it—want you.”
he bit back a curse, thrusts turning frantic but still deep, controlled. his hands held your thighs so tight they’d bruise, his voice low and breaking, “mine—fuck—you’re mine.” you whimpered his name, clinging to him as his rhythm broke apart. then with a strangled groan, he slammed in one last time and spilled into you, hot and endless, the force of it pulling a sob out of his throat.
the aftershocks tore through both of you, your body clutching around him, milking every drop. his chest collapsed against yours, lips brushing over your temple, your cheek, your mouth, like he couldn’t stop. when yangyang finally pulled out, his breath hitched, chest rising and falling fast as he watched his release spilling out of you, shining down your skin in little streaks.
“fuck…” he groaned, voice dropping rough and reverent, “that’s so hot…look at you, teddy, can’t even hold me in.” you whined, trying to close your legs, but he pressed them apart again, eyes dark and fixated. he dragged two fingers through the mess, slow and deliberate, and brought it up between you.
“suck.” his tone was low but coaxing, like he already knew you’d obey. your lips parted, and he slipped his finger past them, watching intently as you closed around him, sucking the mix of both of you clean. his jaw clenched, hips twitching like he could feel it himself.
“god—” he rasped, barely holding back a shudder, “you drive me crazy.” you hummed around his finger, eyes locking with his as you licked him clean, letting the lewd wet sound fill the room. he cursed again, pulling his hand free only to grip your jaw and kiss you deep, messy, desperate, like he needed to taste it on your tongue too.
“so…” yangyang murmured, grin tugging at his lips. “think that’s busy enough, or should we get busier?”
you smacked his chest weakly, too boneless to put any force behind it, “you’re ridiculous.”
“ridiculous,” he echoed, pretending to think. he kissed your nose, playful and soft, “nah. just making up for lost time.”
🧸 OCTOBER 16 - FRIDAY - CRISIS AVERTED.
yangyang let himself in like always, already calling out a lazy, “teddy, i’m here. did you eat yet? i brought—”
then he froze. the sound hit him before anything else — muffled crying, sharp enough to shoot panic through his chest. he tossed the pizza box on the counter with a thud as his pulse kicked up, “y/n!?” he called, voice already breaking with fear. he sprinted towards your bedroom, every worst-case scenario clawing at his brain, you hurt, you sick, you— but when he burst into your room, what he found was you, sitting on the floor, tear-streaked cheeks, clutching something in your lap.
“shit—hey, hey,” he rushed to you immediately, dropping to his knees, “what happened? are you hurt? talk to me.”
you turned toward him, lower lip wobbling, and in your hands… mr. bear. his worn out brown fur and now — his leg dangling, the seam ripped wide.
“i—i was cleaning my bed,” you hiccuped, voice breaking, “and i must’ve pulled too hard or something and—he just—yangyang, i broke him.”
yangyang blinked. his panic collided with relief so hard he had to sit back on his heels. his heart was still racing, but now he could finally see the whole picture — not a tragedy, but the most you kind of meltdown. and he knew exactly the reason. the promise attached to that bear — the one you’d made all those years ago — it all suddenly made sense of why you were crying so hard.
“oh, teddy…” his voice softened immediately as he reached out, brushing your wet cheeks with his thumbs, “you scared the hell out of me. i thought—” he stopped himself, swallowing down the lump in his throat, and nodded toward the bear, “he’s just a little injured. not gone. okay?”
your hands shook as you held the bear up between you, like proof of your failure, “but my promise… i said as long as mr. bear’s okay, we’re okay. and now he’s hurt.”
yangyang’s chest tightened, but not with fear this time. with something achingly tender. he took the bear gently from your hands, setting him carefully on the bed like he was still sacred, then cupped your face, “listen to me,” he said firmly, eyes locking on yours. “mr. bear can lose both legs, his stuffing, his head—and we’ll still be okay. i’ll still be yours. that promise was real, but it wasn’t about a toy. it was about you and me. got it?”
your sniffle cracked into a laugh-sob, shaky and small, “you sound so sure.”
“because you’re crying over a bear, teddy,” he wiped under your eyes again, softer this time, “and because i love you, and i’m never letting some third-grade bear decide that for us.”
you shoved at his chest weakly, embarrassed now, “don’t make fun of me.”
he caught your wrist, grinning, and leaned in to press his forehead to yours, “only sometimes,” he grinned, “but also? you’re lucky i’m amazing with a needle. mr. bear’s about to get the glow-up of his life.” your laugh finally came out properly then, tears still spilling on your cheeks. yangyang felt the knot in his chest finally loosen. he kissed your damp cheek once, then held you against him, rocking you gently on the floor.
“see?” he murmured into your hair, “crisis averted. we’re still best friends. still together. forever’s intact.”
🧸 OCTOBER 18 - SUNDAY - STUCK WITH ME.
two days later, mr. bear was back to his rightful throne at the top of your bed, one leg stitched up neatly with even and earnest thread. yangyang had insisted on doing it himself, tongue poking out in concentration while you teased him for looking like a “mad scientist surgeon.”
now, the two of you were in your kitchen — the apartment smelled like garlic and soy sauce, the pan sizzling as you stirred noodles with a little too much force. yangyang was leaning against the counter beside you, pretending to help but mostly just sneaking bites of the vegetables you’d chopped earlier.
“yang, if you eat one more carrot stick, i’m cutting your fingers off,” you warned, swatting at his hand with the wooden spoon.
he grinned, chomping it anyway, “i’d like to see you try.”
you rolled your eyes, fighting a smile. he always had that smug look when he knew he was getting away with something. but then, instead of reaching for another bite, he slipped a hand into his pocket, “actually… i’ve got something for you.”
you glanced at him suspiciously, stirring slower, “what?”
he pulled out a tiny box, holding it out like it was nothing, though his ears were already turning pink, “here.”
your brow furrowed, “yangyang… if this is a prank and a cockroach jumps out—”
“it’s not a prank!” he laughed, shoving it gently against your chest until you took it, “just open it, teddy.”
you wiped your hand on a towel and popped the lid open. your breath caught. inside sat a delicate gold chain with a tiny gold teddy bear charm dangling from it.
“oh my god…” you whispered, smiling instantly.
yangyang rubbed the back of his neck, eyes darting away like he was suddenly fascinated by the ceiling, “you, uh… freaked out pretty bad when mr. bear almost lost his leg the other day. so i figured… this way you’ve got one you can’t break.”
you turned to face him fully, holding the necklace between your fingers like it was made of glass, “yang, i love it, i—”
“turn around,” he cut in quickly, a little shy. you turned around, holding your hair to the side. his fingers brushed against your nape as he clasped the necklace, lingering there like he couldn’t let go. when he was done, he didn’t pull back. instead, he bent to press a kiss against your neck. then another. and another.
“yangyang—” your voice cracked on his name, heat rising in your cheeks. he rested his chin on your shoulder, eyes catching the charm against your collarbone.
“perfect,” he murmured, voice low and sure.
you laughed softly, leaning back into him, “you know this is kinda unfair, right? you keep one-upping yourself.”
“that’s the point,” he hummed against your skin, lips curving into a smile as he trailed lower toward your shoulder, “i’ve got thirteen years to make up for,” he murmured, kissing your shoulder softer this time, like a promise.
your smiles, “that’s… a long time.”
“good,” he said easily, mouth brushing the edge of your jaw now, “means you’re stuck with me for a while.” you laughed, turning to swat at his chest but only managing to catch his hoodie. he kissed you properly this time, slow and sweet, before leaning back just enough to steal another carrot stick with his free hand.
“there he is,” you muttered, rolling your eyes. “the real yangyang.”
“mhm,” he said around the bite, grinning. “still the one you fell for though.”
you rolled your eyes, necklace glinting in the kitchen light as you stirred the noodles again. yangyang didn’t even pretend to help after that. he just hovered, brushing past you every chance he got, sneaking more vegetables, dropping lazy kisses on your neck or shoulder until you smacked at him with the spoon. by the time dinner was plated, you were laughing too hard to stay annoyed. you both ate slowly, the easy chatter filling the quiet of the apartment. he told you about the new song stuck in his head, you complained about an assignment your professor gave, he teased you about how messy you were with noodles.
it was the same rhythm you’d always had — best friends, trading jokes and stories, no one but him. no one but you — except now there was something new threading between it all. a warmth. a weight. his foot brushing yours under the table. his smile lingering longer than it used to. his lips wandering in between stories, a kiss to your temple, a peck on your cheek when you smiled, a soft press to your knuckles as if reminding you, over and over, that he was yours now.
ᥫ᭡ the end.
—
18+ only | watch at your own risk | contains mature content
yangyang x teddy coded links: #1. #2. #3. #4. #5. #6. #7. #8. #9. #10.
—
an: and the first of the wayv trio is done!!!! this was kinda tough you guys, i didn’t want to do another fake dating trope so i really had to think about how i wanted yangyang to realize he’s in love with teddy. i hope you liked the nickname!!! i think it’s so cute. i gotta delete the teddy bear emoji for haechan and princess because that belongs to yangyang and teddy now lmfao. also how are we feeling with the yangyang and renjun reconciliation? and love always kinda knowing??? hehe i never planned this but im declaring its canon now that it took her so long to say yes to yangyang because of teddy 😝
last thing: im sorry to say this but the wayv boys will not be getting bonus scenes >.< im lowkey already struggling with the dream ones lol. BUT i hope you enjoyed this!!! and i hope you like the links ;););) #5 is my favorite hehe. as always, thank you so so much for reading!
ᥫ᭡ likes, reblogs and comments are not required but is very appreciated.
ᥫ᭡ if you enjoy this series and would like to show extra love and support. my ko-fi is open <3
ᥫ᭡ love tags: @mangoescrazy @bamjjwi @jungwooie @erireadsstuff @rjreins @poemzcheng @jungwooismysavior @alexameliamg @neo-moa @dkkyeom @leleszn @rex-ie @generalpuppycloud @mots7g @chenleverse @kj0ne @ninety-nite-99 @xxxnrigi @idkwiexist @pankuya @amazinggraxia @jaeminiwrld @ni-ki-starnetwork @drunkhee @severeanxietyissues @peonyjoo @multifandom2515 @yeosayang @dongyoungknows @aegryo @malaysianctfan @booskies @ingridbirdman @vantxx95 @andluv @fancypeacepersona @heartsforsunwoo @222low @9yuldaengi @cowboyuyu @zarastrawberry @boxofinvisiblethoughts @jwikyo @horanghyuck @combinatoright-blog @emmy-l-r @karleereadssmut @asahisimpnation @httpsxnox
TAGLIST: CLOSED.
TEDDY AS THE NICKNAME DONT EVEN CHAT TO MEEEEEEE THIS IS SO YUMMALICIOUS
hello. i’ve been contemplating whether to return here, but silence feels impossible after what happened today in my country. i had to come back, to speak, to share the struggle of my own people, especially as a student activist behind all this persona.
today in luneta, my heart ached for the people. i’ve been to protests before, but this time it felt different. there were so many of us—they said approximately 80k people filled the park this morning. it was bittersweet; joy to see that more are standing up, grief because it takes this much pain, this much corruption, for people to rise.
as activists marched to mendiola, on the same day we commemorate the dark memory of martial law under marcos sr. and now, with another marcos seated in malacañang, the echoes are undeniable. there were intimidation, violence, red-tagging, and arrests. fellow members of ndmo’s confirm gunshots in the riot in mandiola. activists were detained, including minors. police used water cannons and tear gas. what was meant to be a peaceful mobilization turned into a show of force meant to break us.
but the state has forgotten what history already proved; repression only fuels resistance. this is what the edsa revolution looked like in its beginning—nuns in the streets, workers refusing silence, students carrying the fire of “ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan.” that spirit is alive in us today.
the government wants us quiet, but we refuse. filipino youth have filled the streets for years, and we will not be bullied off them. we will keep coming back louder, prouder, unbowed—until our demands for accountability and justice are met.
they can aim their guns at us, but they cannot kill what has already awakened in us; rage, hope, and the will to fight until this rotten system falls.
never again. never forget. never silenced.
xiaojun might be posted very soon HEHEEH i might just post it next week eheheheh
r u an exo stan too 👩🏽💻
YES HEHHEHEHEHE I AM SEHUN BIASED PURRR WBU
“A CELEBRATION” — OR THE SIX MONTH ANNIVERSARY PT. 1
total word count: 9k+ | genre: fluff, smut | featured couples: 💘🪽, 🐾🐰 , 🕷️🐈⬛
synopsis -> none of the dream boys saw this coming. the same guys who once turned late-night texts into sport, who treated flings like trophies, who swore commitment was a curse word. and yet here they are now — the so-called retired fuckboys, better known these days as the loverboys — six months deep and hopelessly whipped for their girls. half a year might not sound like much to anyone else, but to them? it was monumental. and if there’s one thing they knew how to do, it was to celebrate in style.
“i’ll never get tired of loving you.”
pairing: jaemin x angel | word count: 3.3k+ | warnings: extreme fluff, smut, oral (f receiving), mutual masturbation
anniversary date: march 8, 2025
the park by the lake was quiet during the evening except for the soft hum of cicadas and the rustle of leaves in the breeze. you followed the little trail of fairy lights strung along the grass, curiosity growing with each step leading to the place your boyfriend texted you to meet.
when you finally reached the clearing, your breath caught. your favorite spot, the one you always went to after long classes, where you liked to paint and he liked to take pictures, was glowing. strings of fairy lights draped from the branches of huge oak tree, twinkling like stars had spilled onto the ground. a sage green picnic blanket spread out, topped with pillows, candles in jars and a large picnic basket.
you laughed, a soft, disbelieving sound, “jaemin…”
before you could finish, warm, solid arms slid around your waist from behind, pulling you back against a familiar chest. his chin rested on your shoulder as he murmured, “surprise, angel.”
turning in his arms, your hands instinctively found his shirt, curling into the fabric. he looked absolutely unfair under the glow — messy soft hair, shining eyes and that hopelessly lovesick smile he wore only for you.
“you’re too sweet,” you whispered, smiling even as your heart pounded in your chest.
“only for you,” he whispered, placing a soft kiss on your forehead, “come on.”
he guided you to the blanket, his hand never leaving yours. the moment you sat, you noticed the snacks — the exact ones that you craved on study nights, down to chips you once swore you hated but always stole from him.
before you could tease him about how well he knew you, jaemin pulled something from the picnic basket — a thick white scrapbook tied with a pink ribbon. his hands trembled slightly as he placed it in your lap.
“open it?”
your chest tightened. you untied the ribbon and opened the book — and immediately, tears stung your eyes. page after page was filled with photographs of you from the past six months of loving him. not staged. not pretending. just you. laughing with paint smeared on your cheek, sketching in this very park, stealing bites of his fries, sleeping with his hoodie draped over your shoulders, curled into his blankets, messy hair and everything, in the soft morning light. and each photo was surrounded by messy little notes in his handwriting:
❤︎ i’m on my guard for the rest of the world, but with you, i know it’s no good.
❤︎ just keep on keeping your eyes on me.
❤︎ in this moment now, capture it, remember it cause i don’t know how it gets better than this.
❤︎ angels do exist because you’re the proof.
“jaemin…” your voice broke, a tear slipping down your cheek.
he was there in an instant, thumbs brushing away the tears, kissing your skin between every word, “don’t cry, angel. it’s supposed to make you happy.”
“it does,” you whispered, clutching the scrapbook against your chest and looking up at him with those glass-stained eyes that made him weak in the knees every time, “i just…you love me so much.”
“of course i do,” he smiled, leaning in closer, his forehead pressing against yours, hands cradling your face. his voice was gentle, tender, steady–
“thanks for letting me fall for the real you. she’s my favorite.”
you sobbed a laugh, arms wrapping around him desperately. he held you tight, pressing kisses to your hair, your cheeks, your lips, smiling against your mouth.
“you’re so cheesy,” you whispered against his grin, hands cupping his face.
“and you love it,” he replied, kissing you again, longer this time, until you sighed against him.
the snacks were forgotten. music faded into the background. he pulled you closer. you kissed him harder and harder.
“angel…” he groaned, hands gripping your hips like you might disappear.
you tugged at his hair just enough to make him gasp, “you planned all this just to make me fall harder, huh?” you teased.
“worked, didn’t it?” he laughed breathlessly, before crashing his lips back onto yours – hotter this time, urgent, messy, teeth clashing, lips swollen.
you pulled back just enough to catch your breath, cheeks flushed, “wait,” you whispered, softly pushing him back and reaching into your bag by the picnic basket.
jaemin leaned back, boyish grin returning despite the heat in his eyes, “you’re killing me, angel. what could possibly be more important than me kissing you right now?” he groaned softly, like you’d just stolen his oxygen.
you laughed but your heart raced as you pulled out a small, neatly wrapped box, “this. i got you something too.”
his grin softened instantly, almost stunned. he sat up straight, brushing his fingers over the boy before glancing up at you, “you didn’t have to…”
“i wanted to,” you whispered, “open it.”
he untied the pink ribbon carefully, peeling back the paper until it revealed a silver bracelet, simple but polished, with a tiny charm shaped like an artist’s palette. his lips parted in awe. then you brought attention to the silver chain already circling your wrist, turning it over until he saw the miniature camera charm dangling from it.
his laugh cracked, soft and disbelieving, before it turned shaky, “you’re kidding.”
you shook your head, “nope…it’ us,” you smiled shyly, holding his gaze, “so now, even if we’re apart, we’ll still be carrying each other.”
his eyes filled with so much love it nearly knocked the breath out of you, “can you put it on for me? please.”
your fingers trembled slightly as you fastened the clasp around his wrist. when it clicked into place, jaemin caught your hand and pressed it flat against his chest, right over the rapid thrum of his heartbeat.
his voice dropped, wrecked and full of awe, “i’m so in love with you,” he whispered, bringing your hand up to his lips and placing a soft kiss in your inner wrist, making your smile grow impossibly wider with every gentle action.
the matching bracelets glinted in the fairy lights as his hands slid to your waist, pulling you against him again. his lips found yours, soft at first, like he was sealing the promise into you before it deepened. he pulled you onto his lap without hesitation, until you were properly straddling him, your dress wrapping around the both of you.
the makeout session built quickly, your hips rolling down against him until he groaned low, muffled against your mouth. his lips trailed down to your jaw, your neck, sucking softly, making your nails dig into his shoulders.
“jaem–” you whispered half plea, half warning. he knew exactly what that meant.
“never stopping,” he breathed, kissing you rougher now. his hips pressed up into yours, slow and deliberate and you arched against him with a soft moan. the fairy lights, the soft background music, the world itself faded – leaving only heat, hung and the blinding certainty of love.
his hand slid to the small of your back, lowering you onto the blanket, his large frame hovering over yours. your legs parted instinctively, drawing him closer. his mouth claimed yours, desperate and all-consuming. his weight pressing you down in the best way.
he pulled back just long enough to see you — lips kiss-swollen, hair mussed, cheeks flushed under the glow of the golden fairy lights and his chest ached with how much he adored you.
he brushed your bottom lip with his thumb, whispering, “you’re so beautiful…i don’t think i’ll ever get enough of you.”
you kissed his palm, tugging him down with a grin, “then don’t.”
he smiled, worship already in his gaze as he kissed his way down your jaw, your throat, your collarbone — slow, unhurried, savoring every inch of you. by the time his hands wandered under your dress, your breath was coming in shaky little gasps.
he glanced up, lips brushing your skin as he murmured, “can i, angel?”
your nod was all he needed — in one smooth movement, he slid down the blanket, spreading your legs gently, reverently, before ducking under the fabric of your dress. the cool brush of his nose against your inner thigh made you jolt, a startled whimper escaping your throat.
“relax,” his voice rumbled from under the thin layer of fabric, lips sucking open-mouth kisses against your inner thighs, “i’ve got you.”
and then he was pushing your panties to the side and his mouth was on you. the first slow lick tore a breathy moan from your lips, your hands flying to clutch at his broad shoulders. his tongue worked over you like he’d been dreaming about this forever — slow, purposeful, savoring every flick, every press. he moaned softly against you, the vibration sparking through your core and making your hips jerk.
“jaemin–” you gasped, voice breaking despite your effort to stay quiet.
“i know you can be louder,” he murmured against your heat you can practically feel his smirk before his tongue swirled slowly, “i want to hear you.”
“w-were in public,” you whispered, fingers trembling around his shoulders.
in answer, he sucked harder, moaning against your skin like he wanted the vibrations to drag the sounds out of your throat. you bit down on your lip, but the noise still escaped — a broken, breathless sound that made him grin in satisfaction.
“fuck, angel,” he groaned between licks, his arms wrapping around your thighs, pulling you together against his face, “always so sweet for me.”
your hands scrambled down, bunching your dress up a little higher but not enough to reveal you. just enough so your fingers could twist in his hair as if he were the only thing tethering you to the earth.
he hummed at the tug, burying himself deeper, sucking gently until you were gasping his name like a prayer. every part of him was focused on you — his tongue circling, dipping, teasing. his nose brushing exactly where you needed it most. every moan he let spill into your skin sounded like encouragement. he didn’t let up, didn’t rush. he took his time to properly worship you.
a broken cry tear from your lips before you could stop it. “that’s it,” he whispered against you, his voice wrecked and reverent all at once, “that’s my angel, let go for me. i want to feel you fall apart on my mouth.”
his pace was devastating — the wet glide of his tongue dragging up and down your folds, prodding though your hole then sucking and swirling on your clit in that way that had your toes curling and your thighs trembling around his head as you tried to ground yourself in the messy pull of his hair. he only groaned like he loved the way you’ve trapped him there.
“jaemin—god—i’m so close,” your voice cracked, breath stuttering.
the pressure built fast, sharp and overwhelming until it snapped all at once, pleasure flooding your veins so fiercely your body shook. you cried out his name, pulling at his hair, grinding helpless against his mouth as wave after wave ripped through you.
jaemin worked you through it, steady and relentless. only when you were whimpering and shaking did he finally lift his head, pressing one last tender kiss against your inner thigh before sliding back up. his mouth was shiny with you when he kissed you deeply, lingering, warm, letting you taste yourself on his tongue before finally pulling back.
he grinned, smug and boyish, tucking himself against your side and pulling you into his arms like he couldn’t stand the thought of not touching you. you curled into him automatically, cheek pressed over his racing heartbeat, your legs tangled together.
the world was still spinning. you could still feel the echo of his tongue, the way he’d wrecked you with nothing but his lips.
but your boyfriend wasn’t done celebrating.
his lips caught yours again, hot and hungry, stealing the breath straight from your lungs as his hand slipped beneath your dress once more. his fingers moved with purpose, slow but sure, finding the damp heat of your panties and sliding past them with no permission this time like he owned the right.
you gasped into his mouth when he slid two digits into your slick and in the same moment your hands left his chest, dragging down his chest to tug open the button of his jeans, slipping inside to return the favor.
the first stroke of your hand around him made his body shudder. his groan vibrated against your mouth, low and guttural, even as his fingers pressed inside you, curling with devastating precision. he worked you open with deliberate thrusts but his own control kept faltering — because your fist was stroking him the way you knew ruined him every time.
he bucked helplessly into your hand, lips falling part against yours, “angel–” his voice cracked into the kiss, a ragged moan slipping free before he could catch it, “fuck, you’re–oh my god.”
you smirked against his mouth, your thumb brushing over the slick head. his whole body jolted, a desperate whimper vibrating against your lips. you swallowed it with another kiss, pumping him tighter, faster, teasing the sensitive underside with your palm.
“you’re so hard,” you whispered against his lips, voice shaky with your own pleasure as his fingered pressed deep inside you, “and you’re falling apart already.”
his answer was a broken groan. he shoved another finger into you, pumping fast, thumb circling your clit in messy, desperate strokes. the stretch overwhelming. meanwhile, the moans tearing out of him grew wrecked and uneven, every thrust of your hand unraveling him. he buried his face in your neck, muffling the filthy moan there s your wrist twisted around him just the way he loved.
“god–please,” he choked, every muscle tense under your touch, “you’re gonna make me–” he lifted his head just enough to kiss you again, sloppy and desperate.
your own climax was surging fast under his relentless hand, fire licking through your veins. his hips kept bucking into your fist, torn between chasing release and holding on. you whimpered into his kiss, your free hand coming down to clutch his wrist like you’d break if he stopped, your other hand stroked him faster, coaxing him closer, coaxing him to break.
the kiss turned frantic – tongues sliding, teeth clashing, both of you swallowing each other’s moans like it was the only thing keeping you grounded.
“fuck–fuck, angel, i’m gonna cum,” he panted, biting at your lip, his voice wrecked beyond recognition. his whole body shook in your hold, every breath shallow, broken.
“me too—don’t stop,” you begged, clinging to him, hips grinding helpless against his hand.
the heat swelled between you until it was unbearable, bodies tightening together, hands moving in frantic, desperate rhythm. his thumb pressed harder against your clit and you cried out into his mouth just as he spilled hot and messy in yours.
the sound of his moan, the way his body shook apart in your hand, was enough to drag you under with him. your climax hit violent and hard, wetness gushing over his fingers as your thighs locked tight around his wrist.
the world dissolved into heat and trembling limbs and breathless, messy kisses. he collapsed against you, chest heaving, sweat dampening his hair, while your hand stayed on each other, still trembling even though you were both utterly undone.
for a long moment, there was nothing but the sound of your breathing and the wild thrum of your hearts. sticky, shaky, you clung to each other like lifelines.
then, with a sly, exhausted smile, jaemin lifted his hand between you, fingers glistening in the low light, slick with your release. you felt your face burn as he brought them to his lips without hesitation, sucking each finger into his mouth slowly. his eyes never left yours as his tongue curled around them, tasting you ilke you were the sweetest thing he’d ever had.
“jaemin–” you whispered, half scandalized, half aroused all over again.
he hummed around his fingers before pulling them free with a soft pop, “couldn’t waste a drop,” he winked and before you could reply, he caught your wrist, bringing your sticky palm to his lips as he kissed and licked the traces of himself from your skin, tongue warm and gentle as he cleaned you just the same.
“y-you need to stop that before i go for a round three,” you said sternly, though your voice trembled.
his laugh burst out, low and wrecked but still boyish, “i’m ready when you are.”
but before either of you could test it, your stomach betrayed you with a loud grumble. jaemin froze. then snorted. his grin breaking wide as he carefully fixed your dress with exaggerated care and zipped his pants back up.
then he reached for the picnic basket, mischief dancing in his eyes, soft and smug all at once before flipping open the lid, “good thing i came prepared,” he announced proudly, grabbing the wipes and cleaning his hands up first before pulling out neatly packed containers.
you blinked, sitting up straight now as each one came to view – one stacked with glistening slices of samgyeopsal, another with fresh lettuce leaves and a smaller tub of kimchi. the sight made your mouth water immediately.
“refuel first?” he teased, flashing you that boyish grin.
“god, i love you,” you whispered slowly, eyes wide while he was already rolling a perfect lettuce wrap with practiced ease.
he chuckled softly, “just doing my boyfriend duties,” he said lightly, but the way he glanced up at you, eyes warm and almost shy, betrayed how much it meant to him, “feed you before and after i wear you out.”
you smacked his chest, laughing. he only grinned wider, holding the wrap just out of reach, “say ah.”
you roll your eyes, but the second he leans forward and presses the wrap to your lips, you don’t argue. you take a huge bite, juice dripping down the side of your mouth. jaemin watches you amused, thumb catching the sauce before it can trail down your chin. the savory, smoky flavor melted on your tongue and a groan of delight escaped before you could stop it.
“good?” he asked, already making another.
“good?” you glared at him, chewing furiously, “this is incredible. you’re perfect.”
“and you’re beautiful,” he countered easily, leaning over to lick the smear of sauce off your bottom lip with no hesitation. you freeze, breath hitching, while he grins against your mouth like he knows exactly what he’s doing, “hmm, tastes better this way.”
you swat his chest, but your laugh betrays you, and jaemin just keeps going — feeding you another bite, teasing every spill, “accidentally” brushing his thumb against your lips only to chase it with his mouth again. by the time he lets you return the favor and feed him, you’re both laughing too hard to chew properly, cheeks aching from smiling.
then in the middle of it all, he kissed you — soft and slow and innocent. his smile brushing warm against your skin as he whispered—
“happy six months, angel. i’ll never get tired of loving you.”
you looked up at him, lips curving into a smile you couldn’t fight. the world felt small and safe in this moment — just you and him.
you were about to tease him again for being so cheesy when you noticed him digging in the picnic basket. instead of food, he pulled out his polaroid camera.
“wait—jaem—” you started, laughing as he held it up.
“smile for me,” he said, eyes twinkling.
before you could protest, the shutter clicked, the flash bursting under the fairy lights. you groaned, burying your face in his chest, “i probably look insane right now.”
“you look perfect,” he said without hesitation, shaking the photo until the image slowly bloomed into focus. he held it up between his fingers, eyes softening as though he’s just caught proof of magic. there you were — flushed and glowing, hair a little mussed, and that sparkle in your eye — the one that always appeared when he was the one behind the camera.
his thumb brushed lightly across the glossy surface as if the captured version of you were just as precious as the real thing in front of him. a low, satisfied hum slipped from him, as he leaned down to press a lingering kiss on your forehead.
setting the camera aside, he reached for the scrapbook he’d gifted you earlier, flipping to an empty page with practiced ease. he slid the fresh photo in and pulled out a pen. his handwriting was messy, but careful as he scrawled beneath it:
six months down, forever to go.
𝜗ৎ
“i’ve never known a life without you and i don’t ever want to.”
pairing: jeno x bunny | word count: 5k+ | warnings: extreme fluff, smut, sex, nipple-play, implied riding
anniversary date: april 16, 2025
the day started with jeno showing up at your door with a mischievous grin and his car keys swinging around one finger.
“no hints,” he’d said, holding your hand like it was the most natural thing in the world, “just trust me.”
and of course you did. you always did.
the drive was easy, familiar. your shared playlist hummed in the background, his free hand drumming on the wheel, occasionally reaching over to tap your knee like he couldn’t go too long without touching you.
it didn’t take long before the streets started to look recognizable — your neighborhood. you blinked, a smile tugging at your lips as you looked out the car window. the old corner store. the bakery your mom loved. the rows of houses with chipped paint that you’ve memorized by now.
“bunny,” he said softly.
you glance at him, “yeah?”
“we’re home.”
your chest squeezed. technically, it wasn’t like you hadn’t been here recently — the two of you always came back together every christmas break. but there was something different about being here now, in the middle of your busy semester, away from the chaos of university life. it felt like a secret pocket of time, a stolen breath of fresh air.
“i like being here with you,” you admitted, your voice barely above a whisper.
his smile softened, his thumb brushing over the back of your hand, “yeah. me too,” he says, before placing a soft kiss on your inner wrist.
as if on cue, he turned the car into the little park you both knew by heart. the one where your parents used to push your strollers side by side before either of you could walk. where scraped knees and sticky popsicle fingers had defined entire summers.
and of course, the same park where you had stolen his first kiss. not out of romance, not back then, but out of sheer curiosity — two kids daring to figure out what the big deal was about kissing.
he pulled you toward the old swing set, plopping into the seat and gesturing at the one beside him. for a moment, it felt like the years had folded in on themselves. you could almost see your younger selves running barefoot across the grass.
“do you remember when our moms used to bring us here almost every morning?”
you sat beside him, the chains groaning like they always had, “yeah, i remembered you used to be scared when it would get too high,” you point out.
his ears turned red, “i was, like, seven.”
“you cried,” you teased.
“did not!”
“did too!”
your laughter tangled together as he pushed off, rocking the swing lazily. the sight made your heart flutter. because no matter how old you got, this was still jeno — the boy who lived next door, who shared snacks and secrets, who held your hand when you cried, who never let go even as you grew up. the boy you love wholeheartedly.
from the swings, he tugged you over to the monkey bars, pressing a hand against the hot metal, “you got stuck up there when you were ten.”
you groaned, “don’t remind me.”
“you cried for your dad but guess which big strong man climbed up and got you down?” he smirked, puffing his chest, and flexing his arms, showing off the biceps he definitely didn’t have when he was ten years old.
“please,” you scoffed playfully, “you were shaking and you nearly broke your arm,” you reminded him, poking his side, “in the end, we were crying together.”
“at least you weren’t crying alone,” he winked, earning a laugh from you as he pulled you again, this time stopping right in front of the slide.
the metal glinted faintly in the morning sun, still chipped. his grin turned sofer this time, more private.
“this is where you stole my first kiss,” he said quietly.
your stomach flipped. you remembered it perfectly — the sun dipping low, the air sticky with sugar and sweat. you’d been sitting at the top of the slide, legs dangling, when you’d suddenly turned to him and blurted, “wanna try it?” he’d blinked, wide-eyed and confused behind his thick glasses, and you’d clarified, “kissing.”
fourteen year old jeno had nearly fallen off the slide. but before he could respond, your lips were already on his.
you smiled at the memory, “you were so awkward.”
“i was terrified,” he admitted with a laugh, “i thought you were playing some trick on me.”
“and then i kissed you and you ran away.”
“i didn’t run,” he defended, eyes narrowing in mock offence, “i…strategically retreated.”
you burst into soft giggles, leaning against him. he let you, his arm automatically curling around your waist. the closeness felt different now than it had back then. familiar, yes — but charged too, humming with something deeper, older, more permanent.
he tilted his head toward you, his voice softer this time, “i still remember exactly how it felt, though.
your heart stuttered, "really?”
“yeah,” he murmured, gazing down at you with that steady, warm look that always melted your defenses, “i think…maybe i started falling for you even then. i just didn’t know what it was.”
you blinked, stunned in silence for a moment. he just smiled, giving your waist a little squeeze, before his finger soflty tipped your chin up, his eyes glowed with that same warm, steady affection you’d known all your life. something that now made your stomach twist in that new, dizzy way you were still getting used to.
“what?” you asked, self-conscious under his gaze.
“just thinking,” he said softly.
“dangerous.”
that earned you the grin you were fishing for, but he didn’t take the bait. instead his thumb brushed over your cheek, “you stole my first kiss here,” he murmured, “kinda feels like i should take it back.”
and then he was leaning in, no hesitation this time. the kiss was nothing like the clumsy blur of lips years ago, nothing like the panicked half-second you’d laughed about later. this was slow, sure, sweet, the kind of kiss that said i know you, i’ve always known and i want you still.
you sighed against his mouth, melting into the familiarity of him, the way his hand cradled your face, the way his chest pressed warm against your side. when he finally pulled back, his forehead resting against yours, his grin was lopsided but soft, “there. properly reclaimed.”
you swatted his arm weakly, though your heart was hammering, “you can’t just reclaim a kiss like it’s lost property.”
“yes, i can,” he teased, nuzzling his nose against yours, “especially when it was stolen in the first place.”
from the park, it was only a short drive before jeno was pulling into the tiny corner lot of the ice cream shop. the same one with the faded white cement and the squeaky doorbell that had greet you every summer since you were kids.
the inside hadn’t changed a bit. same baby blue striped walls, same glass case full of too many choices, same smell of sugar cones and waffle batter clinging to the air. even the old owner waved when she saw you two walking, like she always did, calling you by name.
“two scoops?” she guessed, already reaching for the scooper.
jeno grinned at her like a little boy, “make mine three this time, please.”
you groaned, elbowing him lightly as you leaned on the counter, “still vanilla, huh? you’ve had the same flavor every year since forever.”
“why fix perfection?” he shot back, smug, “besides, vanilla is classic. reliable. like me.”
you snorted, “more like boring.”
the teasing only grew when you got your usual, chocolate chip cookie dough in a waffle cone with the tiniest drizzle of fudge on top. jeno eyed it like it was forbidden treasure.
“you’re not even gonna let me have a bite, are you?” he asked as you both slide into your old booth by the window, the one with initials carved into the side from when you were fifteen.
“last time i shared, you ate half of my scoop,” you reminded him, holding your cone possessively.
he leaned across the table, eyes gleaming, “that’s because chocolate tastes better when it’s yours.”
you rolled your eyes and with a reluctant sigh, you offered the cone toward him, “one bite. that’s it.”
jeno’s lips closed around the tip of the cone, tongue flicking against the melting fudge before he hummed like he was tasting fine wine, “mmm. yep. even better than i remembered.”
he shoved his cup towards you, “here, fair trade. try mine.”
you eyed the vanilla, “neno. it’s vanilla. what could possible surprise me?”
he jutted the cup closer, “don’t diss the classics. just try it.”
with a dramatic sigh, you scooped a spoonful and popped it into your mouth. simple. smooth. sweet. just like him.
when you looked up, he was watching you too closely.
“well?” he asked, feigning casual.
you shrugged, “again, it’s vanilla,” and then, just to mess with him, you added, “it tastes like you.”
that knocked him back — his ears turned pink instantly. six months of being your lover and he still wasn’t used to hearing words like that fall so easily from your lips, “you can’t just say stuff like that,” he muttered, shoveling a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth, like maybe ice cream could cool the blush spreading down his neck.
you only grinned wider, licking your cone smugly, “what? it’s a compliment. you’re sweet.”
his eyes narrowed over the rim of his cup, “you’re enjoying this way too much.”
“obviously,” you said brightly, taking a dramatic lick of your ice cream just to rub it in. and when his gaze flickered to your mouth for half a second too long, you caught it. the grin that spread across your face made him groan.
then, without warning, he scooped a bit of vanilla with his spoon and dabbed it right on your cheek. you gasped, sitting back, “JENO!”
he smirked, spoon still raised like a weapon, “that’s what you get for running your mouth.”
“you started a war you can’t win,” you shot back, shoving your cookie dough ice cream straight onto the tip of his nose. his eyes crossed trying to look at it, then he burst into laughter so hard his shoulders shook.
within seconds it devolved into quick, messy swipes — him dabbing little spoonfuls of vanilla on your jaw, you smearing cookie dough across his cheek. neither of you could go far in the cramped booth so it turned into close, playful nudges, your knees bumping, your laughter echoing in the small space.
“look at you,” he teased, leaning just enough to admire his work, “sweet and sticky.”
you shoved at his chest, giggling, and before you could react, he leaned in and licked the smear of vanilla right off your cheek.
your eyes went wide, nose scrunching at the ticklish swipe of his tongue, “jeno! that’s disgusting!”
“effective,” he countered, grinning, “see? clean.”
you groaned, dabbing your cheek with a napkin, “you are so gross.”
he just shrugged, shoulders shaking with laughter, “hey, you brought this on yourself. tease me and i’ll fight back.”
by the time the “battle” ended, both your desserts were beyond saving — your cone was cracked down the middle, ice cream dripping onto a pile of napkins, and jeno’s once-perfect vanilla was more soup than scoop from all his reckless spoon attacks.
“look at us,” you said between giggles, trying to wipe the sticky residue off your hands with yet another napkin, “two university students acting like kindergarteners again.”
jeno leaned in closer, “your fault.”
“you started it!” you shot back, dabbing at the mess on his jaw. his skin was warm under your touch, his smile softer now as he held still and let you properly clean him up.
“you’re good at this,” he murmured, eyes following your movements like it was the most natural thing in the world to let you fuss over him.
“good at babysitting?” you teased.
he chuckled, gently plucking the napkin from your fingers and returning the favor, brushing it across your cheek with the gentlest care, “good at taking care of me.”
the quiet that settled after was comfortable, filled with the hum of the shop. he pressed one last napkin to your nose, making you wrinkle it and laughed softly, “there. all clean.”
and when you both stood up, there was no hesitation — his hand found yours, fingers slotting together like they’d been doing it all their lives. the bell above the parlor door jingled as you stepped back into afternoon air, the faint sweetness of vanilla and cookie dough still lingering on your lips, laughter still bubbling in your chest.
“you know,” you teased, bumping his shoulder with yours as you walked, “if you wanted an excuse to lick ice cream off my face, you could’ve just asked.”
jeno squeezed your hand, that boyish grin sneaking back, “who said i needed an excuse?”
your laughter bubbled over again as the two of you strolled down the familiar street, hand in hand — a sticky mess but happier than ever.
by the time the car rolled into your driveway, the half melted streaks of vanilla on your shirt felt sticky under the sunlight, you grimaced, tugging at the fabric like it was the biggest tragedy in the world. you jogged lightly to the front door, the sticky remnants of chocolate chip cookie dough still clinging to your fingers, and reached under the little potted plant by the doorstep, tugging the door open and stepping inside.
the smell of home hit you instantly — faint cedar, your dad’s aftershave lingering somewhere, and the comfort of everything you’d known for years. the house was silent. your dad was out golfing with jeno’s dad. the thought made you smile. it was just the two of you. just the creak of the stairs as you tugged jeno up toward your room.
he stepped inside after you, shutting the door quietly behind him. his presence immediately filled the familiar space in a way that felt… different. electric, charged, thrilling. you’d been here together dozens of times before — homework sessions sprawled across your bedroom floor, movie marathons, laughter echoing through the halls — but never like this. never as your boyfriend.
his eyes flicked around like nothing had changed since he was last here — except, of course, it had.
“god,” you muttered, glancing down at your stained shirt, “i look like a kid who lost a food fight.”
jeno leaned against your bedroom door with that lazy grin of his, arms folded as his eyes trailed over you, “still the prettiest loser i’ve ever seen.”
you threw a pillow at him, which he caught effortlessly, “don’t start.”
“what? it’s true,” he pushed off the door and crossed to you in a few strides, his hands sliding naturally around your waist. his voice dropped lower, teasing but threaded with heat, “besides, you don’t have to change. you know i like making a mess out of you.”
your pulse skipped, “jeno–”
“you’re the one who dragged me in here. you knew what you were doing,” he chuckled, kissing your temple before stealing the hem of your shirt between his fingers like he was just curious
you swatted at his chest half-heartedly, “at least let me clean up first.”
he smirked, leaning down until his nose brushed yours, “fine. but i’m helping.”
which, of course meant he’d do the exact opposite of helping. you barely managed to tug open your dresser for a clean shirt before his hands slid over your hips, his mouth tracing the line of your jaw, leaving soft, teasing kisses that made your knees weaken slightly.
“jeno,” you groaned, laughter tangled with exasperation, “you said you’d help.”
“i am,” he said innocently against your skin, teeth grazing your earlobe just enough to make you shiver, “helping you take this off.”
you tried to hold your ground, but it was impossible with him so close. his palms slide higher, carefully tugging your shirt over your head before tracing the curve of your waist, then lower, fingers sneaking through the belt loop of your jeans.
“jeno—” you whispered, trying for stern, but your voice betrayed you when he sucked a wet kiss at the side of your throat like he knew exactly how to get you. he was everywhere at once – warm, insistent, the familiar weight of his large hands now exploring with a new, bolder purpose.
“hmm?” he murmured, all feigned innocence while his fingers slid down the waistband of your jeans just to toy with the button.
you caught his wrist weakly, “you’re not helping,” you mutter, a small smirk on your face.
the room felt charged, your childhood walls suddenly too small to contain the tension winding between you. every brush of his fingers, every soft kiss, felt like it echoed louder than the creak of the floor beneath your feet.
when he finally popped the button of your jeans open with a practiced flick, you swore you felt your heart jump into your throat. his hands lingered at your waistline, playful but heavy with intent.
“you don’t mind, do you?” jeno whispered, his nose brushing your jaw again, eyes glinting as his fingers tugged at the zipper just enough to tease.
your breath hitched and before you could answer, jeno’s hands tightened at your waist, turning you in his arms with a suddenness that made your back press to the dresser. the half-smirk on his face melted as his mouth found yours — hungry, unyielding, stealing every bit of breath left in your lungs.
your jeans slipped lower with his insistence, pooling at your ankles before you even registered him nudging them down, leaving you in your underwear, body molding instinctively to his as he pressed closer. he was still fully dressed, the rough denim of his jeans and the soft cotton of his shirt brushing against your bare skin in contrast made you shiver.
the unfairness of it only fueled the heat between you — him towering over you, teasing you, still so put together while you felt like you were unraveling his arms.
his lips broke from yours just long enough to murmur against your mouth, his breath hot, teasing “see? much better like this.”
you rolled your eyes even as your fingers wrapped around his neck, tugging him closer, “you’re so annoying.”
“hmm,” he hummed, kissing you again, deeper this time, his hands roaming shamelessly over your bare back, tracing down the curve of your spine, “and you like it.”
the kiss deepened, greedy, until jeno’s hands slid lower again, gripping the back of your thighs. you let out a startled laugh into his mouth when he lifted you effortlessly, your legs wrapping around his waist like instinct.
“neno—” you tried, but the protest melted the second his tongue swept against yours, swallowing the sound whole. he carried you across the familiar room with a steadiness that made your heart hammer, his mouth never leaving yours except to trail wet kisses down your jaw. when your back hit the edge of the bed, he lowered you slowly onto the mattress, hovering above you.
the mattress creaked under your weight, the sound strangely loud in the silence of the house. jeno braced one knee on the bed, leaning down to kiss you again, his palms sliding from your waist to your ribs, his thumbs grazing the edge of your bra.
“we should’ve done this years ago,” he murmured, his voice husky, a private admission against your lips.
your laugh came breathless, a little shaky, “better late than never?”
his grin curved against your mouth as his hands finally skimmed higher, bold now, cupping you through thin fabric. your back arched at his touch, a sharp gasp slipping past your lips. he drank it all in, every reaction from you a personal reward. your gasp spurred him on, the sound making his smirk deepen as his fingers worked at the clasp of your bra. it gave way with practiced ease, the straps sliding down your shoulders until the fabric fell away completely. his eyes flicked down, dark and reverent, before his mouth was on you.
“god, you’re perfect,” he groans as he wrapped his lips around your nipple, sucking softly, teasing with this tongue in slow, deliberate circles. his hand cupped the other, thumb flicking over the hardened bud, making you arch beneath him.
your breath stuttered, a broken “jeno–” slipping out before his mouth pulled harder, sucking until your toes curled against the sheets. he hummed against your skin, clearly pleased, his other hand sliding lower. calloused fingers tracing over the band of your underwear before dipping beneath, brushing against your slick warmth. the lightest graze over your clit had your hips twitching upward, a sharp inhale leaving you.
“already so wet,” he whispered against your breast, his tone both teasing and awed, the words vibrating against your skin as he sucked again. your nails dug into his shoulders, half wanting to push him closer, half needing something to ground yourself.
“neno—please—” you whined, softly, squirming under his touch, needing more.
he chuckled, low and smug, “all those days playing video games when i could’ve been playing with you like this,” his fingers pressed harder against your clit, rubbing faster, making your breath catch, a whiny moan slipping past your lips, your reply stuck somewhere in your throat as heat coiled low in your belly.
your voice came out broken between gasps, “neno, i need you—”
the words cracked something in him. his teasing session immediately replaced by something hungrier. you tugged at the hem of his shirt impatiently and he let you strip it off him, both of you fumbling with urgency, your laughter catching in between kisses when his hair got ruffled from pulling it over his head.
your fingers traced over the lean muscle of his chest before you slid lower, brushing over the bulge in his jeans that was already straining. he hissed, biting down on his bottom lip as you made quick work of his belt and zipper and then he was helping you shove the denim down.
the moment he was free, your breath hitched. he was already hard, flushed, throbbing against his stomach. he kissed you then, soft and slow, forehead leaned against yours as he pushed your underwear down.
“ready?” he whispered, his voice ragged, almost breaking with restraint.
you nodded instantly, pulling him closer, wrapping your legs around his hips, “always.”
that was all it took. his breath caught as he lined himself up, the thick head of his cock nudging at your entrance. he kissed you again as he pushed in slowly, inch by inch, stretching you with a delicious ache that had your nails digging into his back.
“fuck,” he groaned into your mouth, his hand gripping your thigh tighter as he sank all the way in, filling you completely. he stilled there, forehead pressed to yours, both of you breathing heavily in the silence of your childhood bedroom as he gave you time to adjust to him.
when he finally pulled back, his thrusts were slow but hard, each one dragging every nerve-ending raw. the steady rhythm of his hips rocked through you, deep and unrelenting, the sound of your bodies moving together drowned out by the soft, desperate gasps spilling between kisses.
“god, you feel so good,” he whispered against your lips, kissing you again, swallowing every moan he drew out of you.
the longer he stayed buried inside you, the harder it was for him to hold back. his rhythm faltered, stuttered, his hips beginning to snap harder against yours. your legs tightened around his waist, pulling him in deeper, nails clawing at his back.
“jeno,” you gasped, meeting him thrust for thrust.
he broke from your mouth, groaning low into your shoulder, his breath hot and ragged, “i–fuck–i can’t go slow,” his voice was strained, almost desperate.
“then don’t,” you panted, your body arching to meet him again, harder this time, chasing the way it made your breath catch, “—harder, neno—please.”
the plea snapped the last of his restraint. he pulled back just enough to look at you — flushed, hair sticking to your forehead, eyes blown wide — and then he drove into you with a force that made the mattress squeak beneath you and your eyes roll to the back of your head.
he buried his face against your throat, his thrusts now messy and unrelenting, each one harder than the last, his large hands wrapping around the small of your back as he arched you up towards him. you met him eagerly, hips slapping against his to match his rhythm, your voice breaking s you urged him on, fingers digging into his shoulders to pull him in impossibly closer,
“yes—ahh—neno—just like that—please”
he groaned in response, gripping your waist so tight you swore he’d leave marks, pounding into you with a need that was raw and overwhelming.
“god, bunny,” he gasped, your name falling apart on his tongue, “i’m s-so fucking gone for you.”
the knot inside you coiled unbearably tight, each deep, messy snap of his hips sending sparks down your spine.
“jeno–” you gasped, eyes squeezing shut, your voice cracking, “i’m gonna cum—i’m gonna cum—”
his rhythm turned frantic, desperate, his moans muffled against your lips as if he was trying to swallow every sound you made until the coil inside you snapped all at once, your climax tearing through you with a force that left you crying out his name, body clenching around him so tightly, it dragged a ragged groan from his chest.
he barely managed another thrust before he was gone too, hips slamming against yours as he came undone, hot and overwhelming, spilling inside you with a broken moan of your name. his whole body shuddered, collapsing against you as if you’d stolen the last of his strength.
for a moment, the only sounds were your uneven breaths and the frantic pounding of his heart against your chest until the rush of it all faded into warmth. the kind that settled deep in your chest. jeno stayed pressed against you for a while, his breath fanning over your collarbone, lips brushing lazy kisses there as if to soothe you both down from the high.
eventually he rolled over to your side, wrapping you tight into his side. naked skin against naked skin, your legs tangled like you’d always belonged this way. his fingers traced absent little shapes on your waist while your own hand rested over his chest, feeling the steady thump of his heartbeat.
the silence was comfortable like every other moment of your lives together, except now it hummed with something sweeter.
“you’re staring,” you murmured eventually, catching the weight of his gaze.
he grinned, sheepish but unashamed, “can you blame me?”
you groaned, burying your face into his chest to hide your blush, “you’re so sappy.”
“yeah,” he chuckled, tucking your hair behind your ear and kissing your forehead, “you make me this way.”
the two of you stayed wrapped up like that for what felt like forever, giggles breaking the quiet here and there when jeno’s hands wandered to tickle your side or when you teased him about how messy his hair looked. it was soft, silly and so completely you two.
then, jeno shifted, leaning over the edge of the bed to grab something from the pocket of his jeans that were discarded on the floor, his palm closed tight around something.
your brows furrowed, curiosity sparking, “what’s that?”
he bit back a smile, opening his hand to reveal a small silver ring, simple, but etched with both of your initials.
“jeno…” your voice cracked softly, eyes widening in slight shock, “you’re not proposing, are you?” you teased, arching a brow at him, trying to keep it playful and calm your beating heart.
jeno let out a laugh, warm and boyish, his head dropping briefly to your shoulder as if you’d just said the funniest thing. when he lifted it again, his grin was wide enough to crinkle his eyes in that way you loved so much.
“propose?” he repeated, shaking his head, “you really think i’d propose with a ring this small?”
you swatted his chest, giggling, “hey! it’s perfect.”
he caught your hand mid-swat, kissing your knuckles softly before letting his eyes meet yours, all fondness beneath the teasing, “it’s not a proposal. not yet—” he smirks teasingly before his eyes turned soft, filled with adoration, “— it’s a promise.”
his voice softened, the words wrapping around you warmly. he slipped it onto your finger with careful hands and you let him, his thumb brushing over your knuckle as his voice softened, the words wrapping around you warmly —
“i’ve never known a life without you and i don’t ever want to. happy six months, bunny.”
you felt your throat tighten, tears threatening to fall even though he was still smiling at you like it was nothing. and with that, you pulled him back in your arms, the ring cool against his warm skin as you held him close, knowing that you’d just fallen even harder.
“so…” you sniffled, trying to cover your emotion with another smirk, “if this is just a promise, what would a real proposal look like?”
jeno only laughed, tucking you against his chest, murmuring against your hair, “guess you’ll just have to stick around to find out, bunny.”
you giggled before tilting your head, brushing your lips over his jaw. once. twice. slow, deliberate.
jeno shifted slightly, catching on, his chest rumbling with a low laugh, “already?”
“mhmm,” your hum vibrated against his skin as you pressed another kiss beneath his ear, “you can’t just say things like that and expect me not to want you all over again.”
he smirked, hand sliding down to grip your thigh, pulling you tighter against him. and just like that, the charged air returned, sweet melting into hungry as you rolled on top of him.
“taking charge, huh?” he murmured, voice husky but amused.
you bent to kiss him, slow and unhurried, “just returning the favor.”
his laugh melted into a groan as you sank down on him, his grip tightening like he couldn’t bear to let you go. the world blurred — all warmth, soft sighs, and the promise circling your finger catching in the light as you braced yourself over him.
𝜗ৎ
“you’re it for me.”
pairing: mark x kitten | word count: 1.3k+ | warnings: extreme fluff, implied sex
anniversary date: may 4, 2025
you slipped your key into the lock, twisting the knob open to the familiar hush of your apartment. as soon as you entered, you were greeted by the unfamiliar flow of fairy lights, pink balloons floating gently at the ceiling and roses, pink and fresh and perfect, filling every vase, every corner. your coffee table was spread of all the your favorite takeout containers stacked together.
and then you noticed the walls — sticky notes. dozens of them. a patchwork of pastel colors, each one messy with the handwriting you knew by heart. you stepped inside slowly, your shoes forgotten by the door, your eyes catching words as you passed.
❤︎ i still can’t believe you’re mine.
❤︎ every song i write starts and ends with you.
❤︎ my life is in pieces but you could always put it back together with your fragments.
❤︎ all the rom-coms in the world can’t portray the kind of love i have for you.
❤︎ who needs spiderman, when i have you?
❤︎ loving you is the easiest thing i’ve ever done.
❤︎ kitten, thank you for letting me love you.
your throat tightened painfully, tears prickling before you could even stop them. and then you felt it — his arms, sliding around your waist from behind. the brush of his lips against your temple. the warmth of him, always anchoring you.
“surprise,” mark whispered, his voice low, rough like he’d been holding it back all night, “happy six months, kitten.”
you gasped softly, leaning into him instinctively, your fingers wrapping over his where they pressed against your stomach, “mark,” your voice cracked, small and trembling, “you did all this?”
“too much?” he turned you gently, facing him. his smile was soft, almost shy, but his eyes were steady, shining like he’d been waiting for this moment.
you shook your head instantly, voice breaking, “no. it’s–” you laughed as a tear slip from your eyes, his thumb quick and careful to brush it away, “it’s perfect.”
mark’s smile softened, “wanted to show you what you mean to me,” he murmured, forehead tipping against yours, hands brushing over your waist like he was still nervous, like he hadn’t been yours for six full months already —
“every note on these walls? they don’t even come close to what i feel, kitten.”
your tears spilled freely now, though you were laughing, shaking your head as you cupped his face, “you’re going to ruin me, mark lee,” you whispered, voice thick with love.
he only laughed quietly, dipping down to kiss the corner of your mouth, gentle like a secret, “good. then we’re even,” he teased softly, though the sincerity never left his eyes.
before you could say more, he shifted, tugging your hand, “come here, i have one more surprise.”
you let him guide you to the couch, still blinking through tears as he sat you down. he kissed your temple once, lingering there, before stepping away. when he crouched, reaching behind the couch. your brows furrowed in curiosity – until he pulled out his guitar, worn and familiar in his hands.
“mark…” your voice softened, half a laugh, half disbelief, “you didn’t.”
“i did.” he said simply, settling into the spot beside you, guitar across his lap. his fingers skimmed over the strings, the movements so natural, like the instrument was an extension of him. he glanced at you once, sheepish but glowing, before focusing on the frets.
“it’s not… polished—” he said, almost nervous now. he wasn’t sure why he even said it. he made sure this was perfect, went over it almost a million times. “—but it’s ours. just listen, yeah?”
you nodded, tucking your legs up on the couch, hugging a pillow close to your chest as though it could hold in the tidal wave already building in you.
and then he played — the first chords slipped into the air, raw and imperfect but beautiful. his voice was quiet at first, low and vulnerable, like the words were meant for you and you alone. you’d heard him sing a hundred times, but this was different. this wasn’t for the world, wasn’t for an audience—this was his heart in melody, every line written with you in mind.
you pressed your hand to your mouth, trying to contain the sob threatening to escape. every lyric pulled at something deep inside you — the girl who once swore she’d never believe in love again, the girl who thought she’d lost that part of herself forever — he had found you, piece by piece, and brought you back to life.
when he finally strummed the last chord, the silence that followed was heavy with everything unsaid.
mark looked at you then, almost nervous, like he hadn’t just handed you his entire heart in a song.
“it’s true,” he whispered, setting the guitar gently aside, his hand found yours, thumb brushing over your knuckles, “when i’m lost, you guide me home.”
the tears you’d been holding spilled freely, and you leaned forward, wrapping your arms around him before words could even form. he caught you instantly, pulling you into his lap, his face buried in your neck as you both shook with laughter and tears all at once.
“i love you,” you breathed against his skin, over and over, as though you could etch it into him the way he’d just etched himself into you.
and mark, smiling through the dampness in his eyes, whispered it right back, soft and certain, “i love you too, kitten. more than anything.”
his words melted against your skin, warm and certain and when he pulled back just enough to see your face, you cupped his cheeks and leaned in. your lips met his in a kiss that was slow, unhurried, almost trembling with how much it carried.
mark sighed into you, the sound soft and content, his hands cradling your waist like you were something fragile and sacred. the kiss deepened with the weight of all the months you both had been afraid to believe a love like this was real.
your mouths curved into quiet smiles against each other, kissing again and again, sweet and lingering. he pressed one to your jaw, your temple, the tip of your nose — little reminders that he loved every piece of you.
“kitten,” he whispered between kisses, voice husky but tender, “you’re it for me.”
you laughed softly, your forehead resting against his, whispering back like a vow, “and you’re it for me.”
and in the hush of your apartment, surrounded by fairy lights and roses, you kissed again, slower time time — just love in its purest, gentlest form.
mark’s hands slid carefully along your sides, coaxing you back until you were lying down against the couch cushions. he followed you, bracing himself above you, his smile soft and almost shy, even now.
he bent to kiss you again, just as slow, before his lips wandered — tracing down your jaw, lingering at the hollow of your throat. each kiss was reverent, tender, like he was memorizing you all over again.
“you’re so beautiful,” he murmured against your skin, his voice warm and low, like he couldn’t help but say it out loud.
his lips never hurried, never rushed — just a trail of warmth over every inch of you he could reach, each kiss steady and full of quiet devotion. your laughter slipped out in little bursts whenever his stubble tickled against your skin, only for him to hush you with another kiss, grinning against your collarbone.
the world outside didn’t matter, not with the way he held you down so gently, as if you were something precious, irreplaceable.
his whispers brushed against your skin between kisses — “my kitten,” … “mine” … “i love you so much” — until the words blurred with the rhythm of his mouth, his touch, his steady presence.
you pulled him closer, hands tangled in his hair, your quiet gasps breaking into soft laughter when he nipped at your shoulder just to hear you squeal.
the fairy lights flickered low, the roses perfumed the air, and mark kissed his way back to your lips, swallowing your smile with his own.
and there, wrapped in roses and his love, you let yourself fade into the sweetness of him — his weight, his warmth, his endless worship — until nothing else existed but the two of you.
𝜗ৎ
an: happy sunday! the first loverboy bonus scene is yours! hope you liked it <3 let me know what you think!!!!!! thank you for loving these couples as much as i do. see you next next sunday for the next four anniversaries ;)
love tags: @dearlyminhyung @hyuckluvr-com @fancypeacepersona @chvngm1nz @hyunkaluv @iluvgnabnahc @n-jules @haesunlover2 @nottkwiwin @alexameliamg @ihatefrvits @amazinggraxia @karleereadssmut @drunkhee @bamjjwi @mahae @ncityswrld @jaeminiwrld @httpsxnox @blubb0 @pocketyoun @multifandomania @mey-archive @zuzu-the-simp @markiepoo4eva @jungwooie @jwikyo @withapairofwings @cookydream @meowieshibal @remgeolli @yutasputa @kyungsooislifeu @dior-15 @hyucksnctzen @bridgertonletsgo @leleszn @hjjjjjku79999 @afterhvours @mangoescrazy @vantxx95 @nctubatu
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I AM FREE FROM THE SHACKLES OF MY ILLNESS WADDUP !!?? anyways... that means i will be writing more MUEHEHEHEHE i had a very minor writing burst just now ...
but now im stuck at a fucking house party scene and i am trying to recollect all house party memories i have but all of them had ended with others beefing w me ... AND THE PLOT DOESNT NEED A FIGHT RN FOR THIS ONE PARTY BRO but yeah thats where im at w tsmwel ,, i have that party to write abt ... and another ... and then the main plot and then the ending YAY ! i wanna say this fic is looking to be around 15-20k ?? idrk we will see :3

