I am simultaneously ecstatic and humbled and broken and blessed.
We planned to meet tonight. My stomach churned and I couldnāt stop praying and agonizing praying and agonizing. I prayed that the Lord would protect my heart. That he wouldnāt break it. That he wouldnāt say the things I feared most. I was so afraid of the pain that was potentially coming my way, but I just gave it to God. Please protect me, please let him open back up to me, Lord you know my heart and my desire. Please please protect me.
He came to my shop to talk but got waylayed enroute by Her, of course.
He was livid. I coaxed him inside and tried to calm him down. Something was really off, aside from the fact that she was sending me pictures of the two of them together on the beach.
He denied it, saying it was from 6 months ago. But I knew it was true as soon as I saw it. Her short, fried doll hair. Thatās a recent look.
He continued to stay locked down, red faced with rage. Talking about killing her. Talking about leaving town.
My darkest fear realized. He was with her this weekend. I knew it. Heād gone dark after flirting with me via text and I felt it. The complete shut down that occurs - itās always her handiwork. My guts were shredded. My heart ached but I was still alive somehow. It was painful. I saw his heart in the struggle I had been seeing and imagining from a distance the past week since our fight. It was the same thing! I had actually seen it! Wow.
I was supernaturally protected so much that I was able to see the truth instead of being blinded by pain. And her attack aimed at my core, sending me the photos of them and crowing about her prize. Her victory lap.
I donāt know why I didnāt react. I donāt know why I didnāt melt down and collapse. All I know is that the Lord was with me and gave me wisdom and told me what to say. Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!
More than an hour passed with me praying silently and him struggling silently, angrily.
He finally slipped to the floor and took off his boots and sat there. I sat down next to him and took off my boots. I still donāt know why we did that. We sat in silence while I occasionally encouraged him to be free, tell the truth, to let it all go.
Another hour passed. He slowly started to let me in, tucked my fingers under his. He finally met my gaze.
We have this connection that just pours forth from our eyes. Itās powerful and wordless and he finally allowed it.
His lips moved but he couldnāt speak. Several times he tried to talk and stopped. Several times I gently encouraged him to stop running and let it go.
Yes, he was with her this weekend. He shook his head in shame. āI donāt know why I let her back into my life.ā
Then he started to cry. He said āthatās not even the worst thing.ā
And proceeded to tell me that he got drunk one night recently and drove to his old house where he and his ex were together. He drove by their favorite restaurants and remembered all of the things good about her and raising her daughter. He cried deeply because of the grief and loss. The daughter that he raised and that loved him. The pain from feeling used by a much older woman to fulfill her needs and have a man provide for her. He was only 26 when they met. She was 40. These feelings of betrayal, pain, loss, sadness...thatās why he shut his heart down. Every time he doesnāt want to feel anything, She comes in like a drug. He medicates his pain with her craziness. When he is in pain and guilt, he resonates with her. She is the embodiment of low vibration and self-loathing. He admitted it. He asked for my forgiveness, and I told him I already knew and forgave him anyway.
Living that tonight and typing it just now, I feel like im learning so much about Gods love for us. I felt like I already knew what he was going to say before he said it, and while it hurt me so intensely, I already forgave it.
This is how much God loves us. He knows our sin and still gives us grace, even when it hurts him. Heavenly Father, thank you for showing me your truth. Thank you for using me as a vessel of your forgiveness and love. Iāve been praying so much for him to see the truth, but itās me who was blessed and enlightened and in awe.
He fought the fear of rejection and fear of judgement and finally broke free and told me the truth. He cried for a bit but then his heart and spirit were a bit lighter. I could feel it. His eyes softened. He was humbled and surprised by my kisses and forgiveness. I am full to bursting, when by all rights I SHOULD be devastated at the betrayal. But this is the lesson. Breaking the chains of sin bondage is a cause for celebration in heaven. It doesnāt matter what youāve done wrong, all is forgiven when you repent and turn toward God.
We finally stood up and he kissed me deeply and openly for the first time in weeks. I said with a grin āthis is almost exactly the spot where you first kissed meā.
He moved me backward about 3 feet and kissed me again. āNo, THIS is the spot I first kissed you.ā
I said, āYou make me weak in the knees. Just like the first time.ā
And he said, āYou make me forget everything except your scent and the feel of your lips and the noises you make...just like the first time. ā
He said he would be honored if I would go to the gala with him. My gold dress was sitting in the middle of the room and he admired it saying āWow. That is an absolute piece of art.ā
I am soooooo excited! I was rewarded for my faith just like I asked.
Thank you Father! This is so meaningful and blesses me to my core. My faith is being proven to me over and over.
As we sat on the couch and talked, he asked me to be patient with his damaged heart. That now that he understands the grief and trauma, he needs to process it. I just needed to know where we stand and he didnāt quite know how to answer it. I guess Iām ok with that. Heās back and he loves me and heās aware now that he only gets trapped when he shuts down. Itās a good start.
Soon it was 1:30am and he suggested we get Los Betos. So we drove up and got burritos and talked a little more. Itās almost 3am now as I write this and hereās our final conversation of the night:
Me: Your heart astounds me. ā¤ļø
Him: I don't even have the words to say thank you. I've never in my whole life exposed myself in that way and not been greeted with rejection and ridicule
Me: What you did tonight was courageous. Thank you for trusting me. I only want the best things for you, mostly for you to be free. For me too.
I'm home. ā¤ļøYou have no idea how much tonight meant to me baby. I'm floored. I'm so pleased and my faith is being proven over and over. It's beyond words.
Him: I don't know what to say. Tonight was a night of firsts in terms of how I was made to feel. It's going to take me a bit to process everything... I'm confused as to how you can be thanking me and that you are pleased. It makes sense based on what you said but it's so opposite of my life. Thank you for being you. You are such a blessing to the world, baby.
Me: Keep letting the light in. Dark is familiar because it's old and itās a comfortable prison. The new you is becoming better in every way, starting with purging these old hurts and habits. The light makes everything new.
This is the only way I know how to love you. Because I was loved and forgiven from everything I thought was dark and unforgivable.
I was thanking you because you chose to do the right thing, apologized and told the truth. I know it wasn't easy, but I am grateful that you trust me.
Stay open, sugar. It's the best feeling in the world once you get the hang of it.
Him: I will be doing my very best.. for me and for you... I owe your faith in me something. My best. I am so thankful that you have kept in touch with me and that you can forgive how I hurt you... and yes I am so very sorry for the hurt. You are just so special , I cannot say it enough beautiful.
Me: š goodnight, my beautiful man. You have no idea how much I have prayed for you. It's all going to be ok.
Him: Goodnight gorgeous Woman.. and what a woman you are. Thank you for your prayers ā¤ļø
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