my partner is stressed bc a friend is missing somewhere across the country and she doesnāt see him much but i realized this was the dude she was on a date with the first time we saw each other outside of work and later started hanging out and iām like oh no heās missing i hope heās okay i wonder if she has a crush on him OMG STOP YOU MONSTERĀ
ā Plants are a means of testing out the responsibilities of adulthood, with a much lower financial and emotional investment. You buy a monstera plant because you saw it on Instagram, you kill it somehow seven months later, drag it out to the curb and start again. At most, youāve spent $120, tried taking care of something and failed. You can always buy a new plantāāāmuch easier than dealing with a pet or a child.āĀ
āAnne Bonny and Mary Read were pirates, as renowned for their ruthlessness as for their gender, and during their short careers challenged the sailorsā adage that a womanās presence on shipboard invites bad luck.ā
Actually Iāve seen this before and I can tell youā itās because these women were bad ass pirates and when they killed someone theyād expose one or both breasts so that when their victim died, (s)he knew that they were killed by a woman.
ACTUALLY Anne Bonny purposely wore loose fitting clothes and displayed her breasts openly at all times during battle - mainly because men were distracted by them, and she took pleasure in killing said men while they were too busy staring at her breasts. Mary Read dressed mainly as a man (after posing as her deceased brother, Mark, for the entirety of her childhood) and both ladies cross-dressed from time to time, hopping between ships. They were known as the āfierce hell catsā due to their ferocious tempers, and were key elements to Captain āCalico Jackā Rackhamās crew - they were the only two known female pirates in the Golden Age of Caribbean piracy. IN FACT, when the ship was captured by the British Navy, Anne and Mary were the ONLY TWO pirates who fought while the males of the crew hid - they were all tried to be hung as pirates but Bonny and Read were both pregnant and were pardoned.
Calico Jack was a lover to Bonny, and as he was to be hung, Bonnyās final words to him were, āHad you fought like a man, you need not be hung like a dog.ā Bonny and Read were possibly two of the most badass fucking pirates and they were FEMALE. The more you know.Ā
And on top of all that, exposed breasts have a long and storied history of symbolism in art. They mean all sorts of things. The sculptor may have chosen to expose her left breast specifically to denote her courageāher heart is exposedāor to evoke comparison to Amazon warriors, who cut off their right breasts.
for some reason i definitely thought this was going to be one of those fuckin⦠infinite chocolate things. or like, some really weird trick involved. literally itās just āput the tomatoes in some dirt and they grow into MORE TOMATOES š±ā which like⦠yea⦠that IS how plants work but i donāt know if itās a life hack
i did that thing where i sabotage perfectly decent new friendships
look how happy i was on saturday night
i was also very happy on sunday, i hung out with these friends at my house and it was beautiful
on monday i was depressed and chalked it up to pms
i felt better on tuesday, and i hung out with these people that evening. we had a great dinner and i loved everyone and wanted to be with everyone
and then i got home that night
and i had an impulse to talk about a divisive political issue in the group chat
and also to process some feelings about one of the group members with another group member privately
and then i dunno what happened
i felt like i was forcing a conversation that no one wanted but everyone was too polite to tell me to fuck off
and i felt like i was a bad person who was driving away my friends
and i told them if they were going to start a new groupchat without me in it (like had been done with one person already) could they at least tell me that i was being excluded so i wouldnāt have to deal with the embarrassment of not knowing what everyone else knew
and the person who had excluded someone from the group chat previously took what i said very personally because they hadnāt been flippant about it
and i told them that my request was a reflection of my inability to be a good friend and how i knew that my exile was inevitable, and NOT a reflection or judgment of this other person.Ā
they asked why iād think that
i said itās because iām not nice
they said they think iām nice
and i just ghosted
deactivated facebook
deleted messenger
deleted their numbers
i
donāt
understand
why
i
do
this
it got to be too much i guess
nothing was even happening; it wasnāt like a pattern of feeling incapable
it was just one weird moment, where i got home and felt like starting shitĀ
i donāt know i donāt know
i couldnāt even make a clean break bc my partner is in the group chat; iām working on a project with some of these people and i have to see them this weekend; we have tickets to a show on friday; we have plans that i didnāt actually cancel. i just left.Ā
i want my partner to explain me to them. i feel like everyone in that group gets to be sensitive but me. they all feel empowered or entitled enough to express themselves, to process their feelings out loud and be heard and validated. i sit back and pretend that iām well adjusted because sometimes it feels like i am. i can get through a day without anxiety. i donāt have depressive thoughts anymore. my childhood was significantly less fucked up. so they get to be emotional and have crises and i just get to be dramatic and attention seeking but in a cute way that can be brushed aside anytime someone has a panic attack in the bathroom or wants to work out their thoughts about, honestly, the same things i work out my thoughts about. so thereās not room for all of us.Ā
so i left.
but wtf am i supposed to do now? how am i supposed to explain that i had a temper tantrum but iāll probably get over it in a few days and act like nothing happened, but simultaneously be furious that no one has tried to reach out to me yet. itās 10am. has anyone realized i left the group? do they care? if they donāt, fuck them. if they do, fuck them.Ā
the dissonance is incredible though. i guess the internet has instilled this in us. i have this intensely dramatic situation happening with this one group of friends, but with my old school friends i just text them like,Ā ālol guess what i did againā
IāM MOVING THIS WEEKEND AND IāM NOT EVEN A LITTLE PACKEDĀ
I HAVE ACCUMULATED SO MUCH STUFF SINCE MOVING HERE 3 YEARS AGO IN A CAMRY
I HAVE A DEAD TABLET AND A DEAD LAPTOP THAT I NEED TO WIPE AND GET RID OF BUT I DONāT KNOW HOW AND IāM TOO FAINT HEARTED TO SMASH THEM WITH HAMMERS SO IDK WHAT TO DO WITH THEM
I HAVE SO MUCH STUFF I NEED TO GET RID OF BUT NO ONE ON QUEER EXCHANGE AUSTIN IS BITING
THEREāS A WEIRD BUMP ON MY NIPPLE PROBABLY FROM AN AGGRAVATED STITCH THAT IDK WHAT TO DO WITH AND IT HURTS A LITTLE SOMETIMES
I ALSO HAVE THIS PIECE OF STITCH THATāS DEF JUST FLOATING AROUND UNDER MY SCAR AND IT DOESNāT HURT ANYMORE BUT ITāS GROSS
I CANāT MASSAGE MY SCAR TISSUE BC IT MAKES ME WANNA BARF AND I GET ALL LIGHT HEADED
I HAVE THREE PIMPLES ON MY BACK AND I NEVER GET PIMPLES WTF
I HAVE NOT BEEN GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP BECAUSE I CANāT DRAG MYSELF AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER AT NIGHT
IāVE BEEN SUPER BUSY AT WORK WHICH IS GREAT BECAUSE USUALLY IāM REALLY BORED BUT TBH I GOT ACCUSTOMED TO BEING BORED AND NOT HAVING TO DO ANYTHING AND NOW WHEN I GET HOME IāM TIRED FROM ACTUALLY DOING SHIT AND I JUST WATCH TV AND DICK AROUND ON THE INTERNET AND GET NOTHING DONE AT HOME
MY STUDENT LOAN PAYMENTS KICKED IN AND IT HURTS AND IāM CONSTANTLY MONITORING MY BANK ACCOUNT
ITāS TIME TO START APPLYING TO JOBS IN NEW YORK AND I HAVENāT DONE THAT
WE DONāT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO LOOK FOR A PLACE IN NEW YORK IN PERSON SO WE HAVE TO DO IT ONLINE AND WE HAVE A DOG AND WE DONāT KNOW WHAT OUR BUDGET IS BC I DONāT HAVE A JOB THERE YET
MY NECK AND SHOULDERS HURT ALL WEEK AND MY FEET HURT FROM WALKING ALL OVER TOWN AND I FINALLY KICKED THIS LIKE MONTH LONG COLD AND I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORKING OUT BUT I DONāT HAVE TIME AND/OR I AM TOO FUCKING LAZY AND/OR I CANāT AFFORD TO REACTIVATE MY YMCA MEMBERSHIP AND/OR IāM SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT USING THE WOMENāS LOCKER ROOM AND/OR IāM WAITING TO FIND OUT WHEN I CAN SUBMERGE MY SCARS SO I CAN GO TO BARTON SPRINGS AND INTRODUCE MY CHEST TO THE WORLD BC I BOUGHT A NEW SWIM SUIT BUT IāM NERVOUS ABOUT WEARING IT/BEING SHIRT LESS AT THE Y OR ANYWHERE BY MYSELF
side note: i made other jewish friends itās like a whole thing bc friendship makes me crazy as yāall know but thatās a whole other post for another night
Ā ugh my jew friends keep having like philosophical conversations about different concepts of god and they're like "lemme know if im making you feel bad bc yr an atheist" and like i don't feel bad about my atheism or like i should believe in something but i feel like i can't participate in these convos without sounding like a nihilistic curmudgeon like, they're all like "what if god is chaos" and i'm like "i think chaos is chaos and we're all gonna die and nothing will matter and god doesn't exist so who cares if god does or doesn't care about you" and in a weird way that's my belief but bc it's a non belief it sounds like im being combative which is like one of my main insecurities
so this is irritating but idk if iām being irrationally upset or if thereās anything iām supposed to be doing or saying or feeling differently
but yea i should post about how new friendships bring out all that textbook bpd stuff but i donāt have the energy for that