The Secret History of Eggnog
Eggnog. We don’t know what it is, or where it came from, yet millions drink the substance every year to celebrate the holidays. If only they knew the truth.
The year was 1899. The last Christmas of the 19th century was right around the corner, and across Europe, a terrible egg famine was rampant. The Egg Famine of 1899 was caused in part by an epidemic of Humanpox that decimated the chicken population, leaving farmers to rely on turkey eggs, robin’s eggs, and hawk eggs, which were notoriously dangerous to harvest due to the vengeful mother hawks. These eggs proved far inferior in many ways. Their small sizes, bad flavors, and difficult species to breed reduced egg consumption to nil.
Enter Johannes Nog. Johannes Nog was famous in the culinary industry owing to his invention of Spam. Spam proved instrumental in wartime nutrition because it could exist for years in a can, unlike natural pork that had to be preserved by cold or salt and would last only a few days on the front. A union of delegates from every country in Europe (at the time this was only Spain, France, Germany, Italy, North Italy, South Russia, and New Argentina) hired Nog to solve the egg crisis before mass starvation ensued.
Nog came out within the month with Egg ala Nog, or “Eggnog” for short. The fluid was high in protein, sweet to taste, and easy to manufacture even without chicken eggs. Europe was saved, and Eggnog became a seasonal favorite long after the famine was over. It wasn’t until 1907 when The European Food Administration began classifying all foodstuffs for cleanliness and safety that Eggnog’s terrible secret was first discovered.
Nog unsurprisingly owned a monopoly on the production of Eggnog, and had refused to share the recipe for fear of losing that advantage. A court case resulted in which the courts demanded Nog reveal his secrets to a committee of inquisitors who would certify his techniques, and be sworn to secrecy about the exact recipe. And so he did, and so they kept their secret to the grave- Which all fell victim to within a month of the certification.
Indeed, of the seven men who learned the true nature of Eggnog, three died in mysterious car accidents (including the first car accident ever), two died in random muggings, one disappeared without a trace, and one died of unknown wounds while vacationing in Luxembourg. This man, Arnold Salbewasser von Jergenslotion, as his last act, wrote a letter that was to be delivered to the European Food Administration in the event of his death.
Due to a frozen alpine mailman, the letter remained undelivered until 2011 when the European Food Administration had been disbanded in WW1, reconstituted by the League of Nations, abolished by Nazi Germany, rebuilt in two parts by the Americans as The Western European Food Administration, and the Russians as the The People’s European Food Ministry Pact, then reunified in 1994 as The New European Food Concern under the United Nations, dissolved in 1995 when purchased by McDonalds, and finally reformed in 2009 as the European Food Administration 2 by order of the papacy.
Owing to ecclesiastical feuds, the letter remained unopened until 2017 when it was unearthed by Pope Francis who found it buried under a stack of bills in the papal key drawer when he was looking for the Holy Rubber Band Box of St. Ignatz of Queens. And so at last, the original recipe for Egg Nog was uncovered. It is duplicated here in its entirety, sensitive readers are advised not to read on:
Johannes Nog’s Egg-Substitute Holyday Drynk:
1 parte milk of thee bovine cowe
1 parte sugar of thee cane plant
1 parte mallow of thee marshe
7 partes egges of thee centipeede
2 partes extracte of thee fluff mouse glande (squirrel liver)
5 partes egg yolkes of the egges of a pelican
Now, part of this recipe is not as grotesque as it may sound, as “egges of thee centipeede” was simply 1800s slang for blueberries. Unfortunately, the same era slang “egg yolkes of the egges of a pelican” was a euphemism for the clotted pus that collected in the sinuses of diseased skunks. And so it remains to this day.
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