Spicy Palpatine Distribution Center @dumpster-fire-deluxe - Tumblr Blog

How did you end up here?

I've been wondering for a while now how I ended up here, so I decided to track down the pipeline. This is what I've observed from myself and others.

Let me know which path you took and what's missing for an inevitable version 2.0 :D

#the first time I started with the Darth Plagueis novel and ended with denial #the second time I started on the other side of the chart and now here we are #star wars #palpatine #sheev palpatine #darth sidious #sheevposting #star wars prequels #chancellor palpatine #fanfic #young palpatine #emperor palpatine #flowchart

My publisher started beef with an author and in the fallout, my work is being pulled from shelves because of association with that author. So I'll no longer be a ✨ published author ✨.

All they had to do was have their finances in order and just pay us. I've muttered "bitch" at my phone pretty much every time I got a message from my publisher. They owed me like €300 in royalties and it took years for them to get that money to me.

So this was a learning experience! I learned a lot about publishing from this, which is a good thing. I know red flags now. And now I have renewed motivation: reclaiming my status as a published author.

I did manage to get this publisher put on a black list so maybe they shouldn't have tested me lol

#they've started using AI for their covers so honestly I'm getting off their train at the right time

Currently raw dogging a heatwave. No airconditioning, not even a little electric fan. Just curtains, tactical opening and closing of windows, and fanning myself with paper now and then.

All fun and games until I had to ride my bicycle today in 36 degrees Celsius, wearing denim and compression socks, because work. Immediately ran cold water over my arteries when I got home to stop the building heat exhaustion.

#and tomorrow is another denim day!#but in only 28 degrees so that's more doable

To be clear, if it is ME/CFS, I think I'm allowed the crash out of the century, because shit's untreatable

Learning about post exertional malaise ruined my day because that's what I've been trying to describe for years

#like it can get better after years of effort but it'll always be bad and you're always one bad week away from a three year flare up #I am doing everything I can to one day be able to write more than two paragraphs per day on good days only #I miss all my WIPs that I can't even read back right now

seleneducky123sloenelillia

Will always love how happily evil Palpatine is.

Update: I've been working less, and the fatigue hasn't lessened.

I'm seeing my doctor next week to discuss the possibility of ME/CFS, the dead end that I didn't want to consider until now

#at least autistic burnout can be cured #but autistic burnout does not explain the post exertional malaise from something as simple as watching TV or doing the dishes

I do not mean to brag (yes I do), but I just finished my first 5K

I started literally at the back. Our group of autistic people & counselors were aaaall the way at the back, the last of the last to start. No pressure on us to make a good time, just there for the vibes and to promote being active for autistic people.

I finished #1981 out of nearly 3500. I out-ran almost half of all participants, and more than half of all women. And I beat almost 60% of everyone in my starting section. I remember passing by a lot of people, constantly weaving through, but I did not realize it was more than a thousand.

After only training 5 times.

I knew these thiccc thighs could serve a purpose

I've been reaching out to people who are in the same disability register as me and I'm learning it's mostly a formality and a bit of a trap. Like "we recognize you're disabled but we don't have to pay you benefits". Fantastic! I'm still not functioning.

I am THIS close to calling in sick long-term and forcing them to pay me sick leave for at least two years. And then making them assess me as unfit to work in a way that does actually help.

I mean, if I physically can't drag my body into work, then they can't force me.

#I thought I finally had a solution but no! We are back to square one

I do not mean to get too hopeful too soon

But I had one good day and half a fic has been drafted

Then I had a couple of bad days so patience is required here lol

I've had more energy these past few days and I've been getting stuff done

Very suspicious, we shall thread carefully

#like let's hope it stays that way #but let's not overshoot and do too much and then crash

The government has classified me as disabled and I can get workplace accommodations and subsidized work now 🎉🎉🎉

#oh happy day

This summer is going to be interesting because my knees are permanently bruised from stocking lower shelves

Like "yeah I'm on my knees a lot for work" there is no way this isn't going to raise questions or eyebrows

#my arms are littered with bruises too from all the carts and crates #I imagine I'd look tough if I didn't look so permanently tired #my hands look like I do construction work

I'll officially go back to three work days in May and I shouldn't push myself, I should totally catch my breath for a bit and recover from burnout

But yes I am already thinking of which Palpatine fic I should continue first lol

#I'll probably sleep for 12 hours per day at first as my body is finally allowed to rest #but once I get my brain back the game is on

I'm starting to think the people around me have a very different concept of fatigue than I do.

When I say I'm tired, they seem to think I can still passively tag along on errands or watch a movie or do some writing on the couch. They think I can do chores sleepily.

When I say I'm tired, I mean I have to sit for hours to gather enough energy to put dinner in the microwave. I mean I can't watch a movie because I can't follow the story and the screen gives me a headache. I mean I can't stand upright long enough to change into my pajamas. I mean I spend 9 hours in a dark room hoping it'll give me enough energy to vacuum for 15 minutes.

And when I tell people I can't do things because I'm tired, they're confused. Just have a coffee and put your mind to it, they say. Which works if you're like mildly tired. The kind of tired you get after skipping sleep for a night. And they only know mildly tired. They only know "I need a nap" levels of tired. They can't even conceptualize very tired. They simply cannot imagine having no energy.

#I'll work 3 days instead of 4 starting in May but the challenge is surviving April

enyafans4communism

imagine hating me and i’m just genuinely failing in life professionally, socially and spiritually

bearhugsandshrugs

not to forget romantically

Okay okay I get it, I've reached my limit, I'll no longer try to be tough and push through. I won't pretend I'm unbreakable anymore.

So can things get better now? Please? I'd like to be able to stand again. My stomach is starting to hurt from the daily painkillers.

I'll rest, I promise. I won't strain myself again. I can rehabilitate myself, really. I'll get lots of sleep and be gentle with my body. I'll make my day to day life so autism friendly.

I just need the chance to do so. Just let me have the chance to patch myself back up.

#the disability registration is pending but the real problem now is surviving until then #it could take months for accomodations to take place #I have discovered my limit and it's a horrible place to exist at

I absent-mindedly accepted a beer today and I got the same reaction I always have to alcohol.

After only three sips: hot cheeks (and red), tingling in my legs, dizziness, mild nausea. Like clockwork.

Tell me why it took me until today to realize I'm not just a lightweight. I know what intoxication feels like. This isn't intoxication, it's my body pooping out.

No disinhibition, no giggling, no slurring, nothing you'd expect with intoxication. Only that half passing out feeling.

All this time, I wasn't getting "drunk" from one glass of wine (or half a beer in this case), I was getting sick.

It's like that feeling when you stand up too quickly and nearly pass out, except it lasts from the first sip of alcohol until it's fully out of my system.

#I'm in bed and it feel like there are bees in my legs and my heart feels like it's vibrating #my head isn't spinning bc I'm drunk from one beer but bc my whole body is freaking out

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