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TF2 Drabbles: Whole Team - Monster AU

Summary: My request (no rush, please take your time): more of the monster AU from chapter 61, with snippets of various mercs' nonhuman-ness reveals, plus Sniper/Scout and Engie/Medic.

[A/N] Over on Ao3 this is the 100th chapter of the fic I'm putting these in over there! Let's go! I chose this request to do as the 100th chapter because I like the AU and it was easy to find a way to include everyone on the team, not necessarily an equal amount, some ideas were just longer or shorter than others, but they are all there. It's basically 8 drabbles in one.

~

Scout half cecaelia, half siren

Even wrapped in several layers of snow gear it was still horridly cold. Scout had never hated anything more. Okay, maybe there were lots of things he hated more but the cold, snow, and ice were up there pretty high on his most hated list currently.

Below him the ice creaked and groaned ominously. It had been doing that since he’d wandered onto it and was the only reason he even knew that he had so it was probably fine. Heavy had warned him not to walk on it but with how much snow was falling from the sky, it had long since become nigh on impossible to tell where the ground ended and the frozen lake began. So he just kept walking.

The base was in sight now. Meaning he should be visibly on its cameras. He lifted the briefcase above his head in a wave. Someone should be on the cameras. Hopefully it was someone who would think to let him in so he wouldn’t have to take of his mittens to punch in the door code. And maybe if they were feeling real nice they might even brew up a hot drink for Scout to…

A splintering sound came from beneath him, loud enough to make him flinch. He jumped to side, landing hard enough to make another cracking sound. And then he was falling through and into the water below.

Unlike any water he’d been in before, it took his breath. It subsumed him in an icy abyss, taking everything that he was and leaving only cold nothingness in its wake.

~

The hum of the overhead medi-gun was twice as loud as the one Medic took into the field. It soothing in a way only mechanical ambiance could be. But also not soothing because it meant he was in Medic’s lab. Not a place any sane person would want to wake up in.

He forced open his eyes. It was dark, the only lights a dim artificial one somewhere to his left and the overhead medi-gun’s glowing beam. Which didn’t mean anything because even in the day time Medic kept all the windows shuddered. Supposedly he was sensitive to the sun, it hurt his eyes and he got burnt real easy, or something like that. Scout was pretty sure by now that it was because he was a weird freak who liked the dark and carrying around an big umbrella all day to look ‘cool’.

With a groan, Scout sat up. The blanket covering him fell to his lap. … It was the only thing covering him; he was naked. He scrambled to pull it back up to his chin.

“Oh good, you’re finally up.”

Scout bit back on a flinch as he turned to look at Medic getting up from his desk to approach the operating table Scout sat upon. “What the fuck’s going on here? Why am I naked?”

Medic ignored the questions reached him, leaning in uncomfortably close. “So you’re a siren, huh?”

Scout didn’t manage to hold back a flinch this time. No one was supposed to know about that. He’d been doing such a good job keeping it a secret too, always making sure he was alone and the door was locked whenever he took a shower. Never accepting invites to swim in the Tuefort mote – not that he would’ve anyway with the Pyros down there all the time with their damn electric signs. Doing whatever it took to not get wet enough for his scales to come out.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Had he put enough bite into that to make it sound believable?

Medic didn’t look convinced. “You fell into the lake. Heavy pulled you out. I’m told you were glittering quite prettily in the fading sunlight.”

Oh. Scout couldn’t talk his way around that, could he? “How many people saw?”

“Everyone.”

Damn it. “For the record, I’m only half siren on my mom’s side and half something else on my dad’s. I don’t care what because I don’t care about him.” Whatever it was though was why his scales were various shades of dark blue instead the pretty pastel rainbow of colours Mom and his brothers had when in the water. It might also be why his singing wasn’t as hypnotizing as it was supposed to be. But Medic didn’t need to know that stuff.

“Noted.” Medic was still standing way too close. His eyes almost seemed to gleam in the low light. He was a creepy freak, always had been. Standing too close and having eyes that almost looked inhuman at times was nothing new for him though. Meaning perhaps that he didn’t intend to be weird about Scout having just been exposed as a monster. Unexpected but it sure would be nice if that was the case.

Speaking of being exposed as a monster though… “How much trouble am I in for this?”

“None. Miss Pauling already knew and thus it’s safe to say the Administrator did too.” Figures. “Soldier was mad for a bit. He thought it meant you weren’t American. He was corrected though.”

“Okay… cool.” The chances of that many humans being okay with a monster having secretly been in their midst for so long didn’t seem likely but… no one who took a job like this was a normal person anyway. So maybe it really would be fine.

Spy cecaelia

The reveal that Scout had secretly been a sea monster this whole time brought with it the usual spattering of talk any time something big happened within the team. Naturally for those in the know, this included speculation about Spy. Scout had made a point to clarify with everyone that he was only half siren and half ‘something else’ on his dad’s side. It could easily just mean human but Medic didn’t think so and Pyro trusted Medic’s opinion.

“It’s gotta be some other sea monster that can disguise as a human to walk on land, right?” Engie said.

“Perhaps,” Medic replied, “but there are a number of different kinds of monsters that can reproduce with sirens, not all of them water based.”

“Oh, really now. Such as?”

And so Pyro sat and listened to the two of them talk about the possibilities, mostly Medic sharing his monster knowledge – not surprising he knew a lot about them. Even after he’d finished cleaning his flamethrower and putting Engie’s tools back their appropriate spots on the wall he sat back down at the workbench to continue listening. He knew almost nothing about monsters other than that they were cool and thus couldn’t contribute anything. Neither of them seemed to mind his silent presence though.

Eventually of course the topic of how to figure out what that ‘something else’ Spy might be came up. At this Pyro raised his hand. “I’ll dunk him in water.” Dunking people in water was always fun. Normally he followed it up by jumping in and hitting his victim with the electric sign that he carried solely for that purpose. But it would be fun even without that.

Both Engie and Medic turned their heads to look at him. It was Medic who replied. “That would cover a lot of possibilities or rule them out if nothing happened.”

“Are we sure we wanna do that though?” Engie asked. “I mean, maybe we should respect his privacy.”

That would be boring though. They knew he was something. Okay, maybe ‘knew’ was a strong word but if Scout were half human he’d surely know that and would’ve said it, right? He wasn’t always the brightest fellow around but he wasn’t as dumb as he sometimes came of as. So it was very likely Spy was something other than fully human and the curiosity over that was hard to ignore.

Before Pyro could say that or Medic could reply with his own rebuke, Engie continued. “Or not. I wanna know too, honestly. We could ask but I don’t think he’d answer. So yeah, Pyro ‘accidentally’ dunk him in some water. Not water ‘round here though. It’s way too cold.”

Waiting that long would suck but they were already scheduled to move in a couple weeks. Back to Tuefort too with Pyro’s favourite mote. So he gave Engie a thumbs up. To spare Spy the hypothermia – even with the medi-gun being an easy fix for it, it still no doubt sucked – he would be patient.

~

Waiting until they were in the midst of battle had been the plan but Spy spent a good chunk of most battles invisible. Pyro had no way to follow him without setting him on fire which he wasn’t going to do to a friend. And the forts being inaccessible by car meant they had to walk part of the way to them which included walking over the bridge over the mote. Meaning it was time. This way would be better anyway because the enemy team wouldn’t see if anything happened.

He slowed down, falling back in the group until he was with Spy and Sniper at the rear. Sniper grunted a non-verbal greeting but otherwise neither paid him much mind. This was going to be fun.

When they were about halfway across, Pyro put his arms around both their waists, they stood just close enough to allow him to do so. Before they could do more than squawk in surprise, he pulled them closer and tipped all three of them over the railing. They landed with a splash, sending them near to the bottom before buoyancy and a bit of swimming brought them back up.

Spy said something in French, probably a series of curses and/or something along the lines of ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’ based off his tone. On Pyro’s other side, Sniper scrambled to grab his hat from the surface of the water before it floated away with a, “Bloody hell, mate. What was that for?”

Ignoring him, Pyro turned to face Spy. The water in the mote wasn’t always the cleanest but having been away from it as long as they had it was more than clear enough to see through. Which also made it impossible to miss that like Scout, Spy changed in the water. There was a mass of… something in the water beneath him where his legs should’ve been. Pyro couldn’t tell what; the water on the gas mask’s lenses made them even harder to see through.

“Is my eye deceiving me is or Spy a bloody octopus?” Demo asked from atop the bridge above them. The entire team had stopped to look. “I swear I ain’t had that much to drink yet.”

“Holy shit,” Scout said. “He is an octopus! What the hell man? You a monster too?”

Spy groaned. “The correct term is cecaelia. No one was supposed to know except someone just had to pull me into the water.” This he directed at Pyro so Pyro lifted a hand to wave at him.

“So that means we got two monsters on the team then, huh?” Sniper said, drawing Pyro’s attention back onto him. He’d put his hat back on. “That’s uh… interesting.”

It certainly was. Pyro had never met even a single monster before. Now he had two who were his friends. Spy would forgive him eventually… probably. He’d pulled Sniper in too after all on a whim because he was there but it should make it look like just a prank and not a means to attempt to out Spy’s monsterness.

“Would anyone else like to come out as a monster?” Medic said. “Now would be a good time.”

Predictably silence answered him. The chances of anyone else being a monster were rather low. They were rare, especially the ones that could convincingly pretend to be humans for any length of time. It’d be cool if there were more but Pyro wasn’t going to count on it.

Sniper Werewolf

“C’mon man, I like camping. I used to do it all the time with my brothers back home,” Scout said as he leaned against he side of the camper van, giving Sniper his best smile.

“Nah, this is a boring, um, meditation trip thingy. A spiritual religion thing. You wouldn’t like it.”

“Oh.” Scout leaned in switching to a whisper as he lifted a hand to cover the side of his mouth lest any lip readers be about. “Is it drugs? ‘Cause if so I’m down to have fun.” Was that how people who knew stuff about drugs would word it? The most he’d ever done was smoke cigarettes and weed a few times. He was curious about harder stuff though and if Sniper had it, he’d be interested in experimenting.

Sniper sighed. “No. It’s a religion thing. I’m gonna be sitting there cross-legged and silently praying the whole time. It’d would bore you to death, I promise.”

That did indeed sound boring, so much so, it seemed like a lie. Like it was something Sniper was making up specifically to convince Scout to give up on joining him on his upcoming camping trip. And here Scout had been thinking Sniper might’ve liked him. Had he just been putting up with Scout the whole time? Maybe that’s why he took these trips so often; specifically to get away from Scout annoying him all the time. Damn it!

“Religion doesn’t seem like your kinda thing,” he said before the silence could stretch on for too long.

“Yeah, well, you’re a sea monster and I’m religious. People got lots of sides to them that aren’t always obvious.” Yeah and apparently one of his was that he pitied Scout too much to tell him to just fuck off and leave him alone. Instead he had to leave the whole base like once a month just to get a break. Or maybe it was because Scout was a sea monster; he wasn’t as okay with that new bit of information as he’d pretended. … That would be worse than him just secretly finding Scout annoying. “Now could you please get off my van so I can head out?”

Tempting as it was to stay here and annoy him until he finally broke and admitted the truth, Scout pushed off and stepped back. He didn’t technically know for sure it was a lie after all. Sniper had been going on these trips long before he found out Scout was a sea monster. Which didn’t rule out him finding Scout annoying. And this was the first time Scout had asked to go, maybe he would’ve been willing to let him join before finding out Scout’s secret. Before he got too mad though, he’d needed to make sure he had something to get mad about.

“Thanks,” Sniper said as he stepped past him to open the door and stepped in. “I’ll see you when I get back, like always.” He hesitated before closing the door, waiting for Scout to respond. Scout didn’t and so he eventually closed it.

Scout stood there in silence until the engine started. She was loud but would it be enough to cover up the sound of someone clambering up the ladder on the side to the roof? He could only hope so because as she started moving, he jerked back into motion. Sprinting around to the other side, he grabbed the ladder and hauled himself up to the roof.

If Sniper heard anything from within, it wasn’t enough to convince him to stop and get out to investigate. The van kept going. Scout settled in for a long ride. It wasn’t going to be fun but as long as he stayed low, it should be fine.

~

Sniper drove until the sun started to dip towards the horizon and then a little more, stopping finally when it started to get dark. Scout sat up a bit and looked around. There didn’t seem to be anything special about the spot. Sniper had gone off road a couple hours ago so they were in the middle of the New Mexico desert. It was flat enough that Scout could see quite a ways even with the rapidly setting sun. There was nothing here or anywhere nearby.

The roar of the camper van’s engine cut off, plunging Scout into silence. He hated how quiet the desert and other places like it could be, it made it feel almost like something could jump out and attack at any moment. Which was ridiculous of course but he’d grown up by the ocean and it was always making noise. The approaching darkness only made it worse.

A couple minutes went by, adding to the tension as Scout didn’t dare move lest he make too much noise, before the camper’s door finally opened and Sniper exited. He walked away from the van, giving Scout a good diagonal view of him in the fading light. His hat and glasses were missing – were they prescription though and thus this was odd or just sunglasses and thus not needed? – and he had a blanket wrapped around his shoulders that draped down to just below his knees. No shoes or socks. What was he doing?

Once he was a few yards away from the van, he turned – Scout quickly lowered himself to lay as flat on the roof as possible – and sat down. And then… nothing. He just sat there. Was this some kind of prayer/religion thing? Weird but better than what Scout had thought it was. Maybe he should drop down and explain the error? … Nah, he’d wait a little longer to make sure first.

As the sun finished setting the stars came out and then the moon rose. She was full tonight, meaning as she crested over the horizon she cast enough light to see by. Not particularly well but enough to see that Sniper was a twitching under his blanket. Just a little at first and then a lot until it looked more like writhing. And then he made a sound like he was in pain. Shit.

Maybe Sniper was on drugs and was having a bad reaction. Not something Scout could help with but… he certainly couldn’t just lie here and watch. If he died, Respawn would catch up but still, dying alone was never fun.

Scout straightened, wincing only a little at the ache in his neck and back, before shifting to sliding off the van. He stumbled as he landed, falling to his hands and knees. Uninjured though, he stood, brushed himself off and jogged over to where Sniper lay on the ground now, writhing in his blanket.

“Hey pal, you okay? Sorry about uh…” He cut off as Sniper face turned to look up at him. It was barely even his face anymore. The bones in it had shifted, elongating into a doglike snout. Fur was growing in to cover it. The ears sealed the deal, they’d shifted upward and grew to fluffy points. Sniper was turning into a wolf. “Huh?”

Sniper growled at him. Scout stepped back. In hindsight, Sniper’s heading off once a month every month no matter their location or the weather, might’ve been a clue on what was really happening on his ‘camping trips’. If he’d paid attention to the moon cycle it would’ve been obvious but alas, he didn’t because why would he?

“Hey, pal. We’re still pals, right? I know you’re probably mad at me about the whole coming here on your roof thing but uh… not enough to like rip my guts out or anything, right?”

Could Sniper even still understand him? Did he even remember him? Could Scout outrun him if the answer to those questions was ‘no’? … Probably not. Maybe if he could get back up onto the rough or into the camper and lock the door, he’d be fine?

Sniper rolled and shook himself free of the blanket. He’d fully transformed under it into a hunched man-wolf hybrid, covered in a thick gray fur. He was still skinny though because of course he was.

Probably Scout should’ve run as soon as he realized what was happening. Too late now though. Instead he braced for a lunge. … None came though. Sniper just stood there, all his paws on the ground, his head bowed and wolf ears pushed back. Not in anger though but instead like he was cringing. He even let out a small whine before shaking himself again, a very doglike motion.

“Oh, okay,” was all Scout could come up with to say. He seemingly wasn’t in danger though so that was good. “So you’re a werewolf, huh? I guess that uh… explains some things. I kinda thought you were trying to get away from me or something.”

Sniper whined again. Scout had experience with dogs but not wolves and everything he’d heard of werewolves had indicated they were mindlessly violent. Which clearly wasn’t true else Sniper would’ve at least bite him by now. So what the whine might mean was impossible to guess.

“I’ll guess we’ll probably talk about this more in the morning, huh?” And maybe Scout had an apology to make for the assumption as well as his tagging along after being told not to.

Sniper turned and took off running, apparently he had some energy to burn. He was fast. Way faster than Scout. Cool!

~

Naturally Scout was allowed to ride shotgun during the drive back to base. “I’ll keep you secret, I promise,” he said as he buckled in.

“Nah, fuck it. Everyone always knows ‘bout you and Spy so we might as well tell ‘em ‘bout me too. I think several of them already suspect anyway. I’d uh… prefer it if you told ‘em so I don’t gotta.”

“All right, if you’re sure. I’ll tell them when we get back. Feel free to change your mind on that though. Just let me know if you do before I do it.”

Medic vampire

Medic having a store of blood bags was sensible. The medi-gun, both the battle ready one and the more powerful overhead one were great, but they needed power and medi-fluid to function properly. So having some backup mundane medical stuff in case of emergencies made sense. What didn’t though was why he would drink from one?

Even before deciding to pretend to be one, Engie had already figured out that organics were weird. Especially the kind of folk who ended up with this type of job. Medic’s particular brand of strangeness was as endearing as it was unique. Meaning perhaps that Engie shouldn’t be too surprised by entering his lab and finding him drinking from a blood bag. He still was though.

Finally seeming to have noticed his entrance, Medic paused and turned to face him. He held eye contact for a couple seconds before finally lowering the blood bag from his mouth.

“Howdy,” Engie said in hopes of easing the tension a little.

“Hmm… I’ve been rather lazy lately about remembering to lock the doors, huh?” He didn’t sound offended over Engie walking in on him doing whatever this was. That could be hard to tell sometimes though.

“Yep. I just uh, wanted to come in say ‘hi’ so, hi. I probably should’ve knocked.” He’d fallen out of the habit a while ago though as Medic did usually lock his doors whenever he wished to not be disturbed. “Sorry ‘bout that.”

“You’re not going to ask why I’m drinking from a blood bag?”

“Well, I figure it’s probably part of an experiment or something and so you’d probably tell me eventually on your own.” Their experiments was one of their major talking points.

“Hmm.” Medic looked at him for a second or two longer before lifting the blood bag back to his mouth. There wasn’t much left in it at his point and thus it was less than a minute before he was lowering it again. “I’m a vampire.”

“Ah, I see.” That explained a lot actually. “That makes sense.”

“That a problem?”

“Nope.” It was just one more person on the team being revealed as non-human. Each reveal was statistically more unlikely than the last but so be it.

“Good. I’m tired of keeping it a secret. Let’s go find something more interesting to do then standing around staring at each other.”

Demo Selkie

Demo’s room was cleaner than Pyro would’ve expected. They had only been stationed here for a couple weeks though so perhaps the mess just hadn’t had time to really build up yet. Regardless it made guiding him to the bed easy.

He flopped onto it with a groan before mumbling something that might not even be English or any language. Pyro pushed him a little further from the edge lest he fall off. In the process he also rolled him onto his side in case he needed to throw up. He then pulled Demo’s shoes and socks off so he’d be more comfortable. The constant need to wear a gas mask helped a lot here because his socks looked visibly disgusting even through the gas mask lenses. Pyro couldn’t judge though, he was pretty gross under the suit most of the time.

After dropping the dirty socks in the hamper at foot of the bed and putting Demo’s boots in front of it, Pyro pulled the crumbled bed sheet up to Demo’s chin, loosely tucking him in. Probably he was too out of it to appreciate but maybe he would in the morning. Pyro gently patted him on the head before turning to leave. Before he could take more than a step though…

“Me skin, I like to… like to nap with it.” Demo continued for a sentence or two longer but his half asleep drunken mumbling rendered all by the word, ‘soft’ inaudible. Not that Pyro was entirely sure he’d heard the first part correctly anyway.

Pyro turned to face him. “What?”

More mumbling, now muffled too as half his face was pressed into his pillow. Pyro could just leave him to fall asleep without whatever it was he was trying to ask for. It wouldn’t take long and he wasn’t likely to remember being denied it in the morning. But Pyro wanted to help him if he could. Luckily he gestured vaguely towards his dresser, indicating that perhaps whatever he wanted as inside it.

Upon approaching it, the top drawer made the most sense to check first. Nothing but shirts and pants. The second drawer though contained something rolled up tight in the small space. A blanket perhaps? Pyro pulled it out, letting it unfurl in front of him. … A seal skin? No, it was too perfect for that. It was the whole rather large seal, flippers, face, and all. A realistic faux seal rug then. Cute!

Switching to a one-handed hold, he carefully pulled off one of his gloves so he could run his hand over it. It was soft and warm, almost like he was touching a living animal. Weird but cool. He’d have to ask Demo about it later after he’d sobered up.

Turning back to face Demo, he gave it a slight shake by way of asking if this was what Demo was looking for. He grunted and made a grabby gestured towards it so probably it was. Pyro walked over and gave it to him.

“Thanks,” he mumbled as he pulled it closed, trailing off into a loud snore.

After putting his glove back on, Pyro gave him a thumbs up even though it couldn’t be seen before turning and leaving. He made sure to turn off the lights and close the door gently.

~

Scout was the person he ran into first and thus the person he told about Demo’s weird warm seal blanket. From him naturally, it was only a couple of hours before everyone else on the team knew about it too. Which should’ve been fine because it was just a weird but cute blanket. But then Medic and Heavy came to talk to him about it some more.

“Is not a selkie skin,” Heavy said after Pyro had shared what he knew about it with them directly. “They don’t leave the ocean.”

Medic shook his head. “Even more than before I think it could be. Scout and Spy are both sea monsters and they left the ocean.”

“Yes but is unlikely. Too many monsters on this team already. Maybe he stole it from someone, maybe the selkie, maybe the selkie’s captor.”

“Or maybe it’s his and we’ve all been secretly monsters this whole time.”

Before Heavy could respond, Pyro cut in. “What’s a selkie?”

“A seal that can take human shape by taking off its skin,” Medic replied. “From what you described I think Demo might be one. It would explain some things about his reluctance over letting me draw his blood.”

If that was the case then perhaps Pyro shouldn’t have told Scout about the seal skin. Then again, if he was yet another monster on the team, that was cool. He never would’ve thought he’d get the shot to meet even one monster let alone five. Each one a different kind of monster too.

“We will ask when Demo wakes,” Heavy said. “If he says, ‘no’, Doctor is dropping it.” He gave Medic a pointed look.

“Yeah, yeah, sure.” Chances were Medic wasn’t going to drop it until he knew for sure one way or the other. Which meant that Pyro would likely know for sure too.

Soldier magical raccoon familiar

According to Soldier he and Merasmus used to be roommates. Merasmus vehemently denied that though, saying instead that he’d been an ‘a pest that he regretted ever having let in’, that he ‘should’ve left Soldier rooting around in the trash because that’s where he belonged’. Spy had always assumed it was a case of Merasmus regretting agreeing to the roommate deal and being verbose about it.

Halloween was approaching though, Merasmus would come with it, bringing to mind their adversarial relationship. A lot had been revealed about the team this year, including Spy’s own secret. It was probably a long shot to think there might be something like that with Soldier too but surely so many of the team being monsters couldn’t be a coincidence, could it? Miss Pauling the Admin, or whoever had been in charge of recruitment had to have been looking for monsters. Meaning Soldier might just have a secret too and if so it no doubt involved Merasmus.

Spy could poke around Pyro, Heavy, or Engie’s room but with Halloween fast approaching, coupled with Demo’s recent outing as a selkie, prompting this line of thought, Soldier made sense to look into first. Breaking into his room was easy, so much so it could hardly be called ‘breaking in’.

Inside was predictably a mess. Not much on the floor but the way the pillows and blankets were bunched up on the bed, it looked more like a wild animal’s nest than a soldier’s bed. The strong reek of wild animal added to that perception. Given that, the growl that came from the bed wasn’t the least bit surprising. Lieutenant Bites.

“Hush,” Spy whispered to her. “I’m here to investigate your owner. I don’t care about you.” While she was far from docile, she only bit anyone who came to close to her. She was providing the perfect excuse to not have to poke too closely around the bed. Who knows what foulness might be lurking within those crumpled blankets and pillows?

The dresser – a measly cheap thing provided as part of the room along with the bed frame – was the only other piece of furniture in the room. Atop it sat Soldier’s spare helmet and a handful of other hats. Spy checked inside each one, careful to place them in the exact same position as before once he was done. Nothing. The drawers, he checked one by one. Between things, under them, and even for false bottoms. It was all just clothes though. Nothing that gave any hint that Soldier wasn’t as human as he pretended.

That didn’t mean anything for sure though. Spy was careful to keep hints of his non-humanness out of his possessions. Soldier wasn’t the type to be smart enough to do that. Maybe whatever he was wasn’t naturally something that could be gleaned from searching his room. Or maybe he was human and five members of their team being revealed as not was just a big coincidence. Damn it.

He could search the closest where Soldier kept his weaponry and boots but what were the chances that’d gain him anything? A look towards the bed revealed Bites was still sitting the middle of its nest, watching him. Meaning checking that if he didn’t want to get bit would be a huge hassle.

With a sigh he turned to leave instead. He’d snoop around the others’ rooms later. If he found out anything interesting about them, he’d return to Soldier’s room to check the bed. For now though, it wasn’t worth the effort.

Later that day

Spy was barely two steps into the common room before Soldier was standing up from where he sat with Demo and Pyro, playing cards. “You!” he said, pointing right at Spy. Way too loud as always, he also drew the attention of everyone else in the room.

“Me?” Spy paused and pointed to himself.

“Yes you, maggot.” Soldier walked around the table to stand directly in front of him. “You were in my room.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” How the hell did he know? Spy had put everything back the way it was supposed to be. Being good at that kind of thing was literally part of his job. Even if he’d messed up a little, there was no way Soldier was observant enough to have noticed, right?

“Don’t lie, maggot! Lieutenant Bites told me you were in there. She watched you snoop. I didn’t want to believe at first but she doesn’t lie. Now the question is are you a commie spy, the enemy team’s spy, or both?” He cracked his knuckles, making it clear that regardless of the answer he intended to get violent about it.

Distinctly not in the mood to get punched in the fact right now, Spy held up his hands. “Neither. I’m on your side, always have been.” Mostly anyway. “I was looking for something.”

Soldier’s expression was hard to read under the helmet but his jaw tensed. “What?”

“I wanted to see if you had any cigarettes. I’m almost out.”

Silence for a few seconds before Soldier relaxed. “You could’ve just asked. I’ll gladly share my cigars with a fellow American.”

“I’ll have to take you up on that offer sometime.” Going that far to feed the lie probably wasn’t necessary with Soldier but it was better safe than sorry.

Soldier took a breath to say something but before could Demo cut. “Hold up, hold up.” He’d stood up and now made his way to stand to the side of them. “Did you just say Bites told you he was snooping around in your room?”

“Correct.”

With how prevalent the threat of getting punched in the face had been, Spy hadn’t caught the full implication of Soldier’s words. That was a very odd thing to say and how had he known Spy had been in there? “She speaks English?” Maybe Bites was the monster. A shape shifter perhaps?

“No, silly. She’s a raccoon.”

It was Scout’s turn to butt in now. “So you’re saying you speak raccoon then?”

“I’m a raccoon, of course I speak it. The fact that you would think I can’t is insulting.”

“What the bloody fucking hell are you talking about?” Demo asked, wording it differently than Spy would’ve but with the same amount of exasperation.

By now the rest of the team had gathered around. Even Sniper had showed up at some point. Soldier looked around at them all for a couple seconds before replying. “I thought everyone knew that already.”

“That you’re a raccoon?” Spy asked.

“Correct.”

“Ooh,” Medic said. “That’s news to me. Explain please.”

“Yeah,” Demo agreed, “’cause you look like a human to me. But then again I guess I do too so… fuck it, you’re a raccoon somehow.”

“Does it have something to do with Merasmus?” Spy cut in before he could answer. Had his suspicion been confirmed after all?

“Correct. Merasmus found me in his trash can and turned me into his familiar and roommate. I am still a raccoon though even if I look like a man. It is much easier to hold a rocket launcher with big hands like this so I keep them most of the time. I can however do this.”

Soldier planted his hands on this hips and… started shrinking. Slowly at first but it sped up until there was indeed a raccoon standing where he’d just been standing. His clothes didn’t shrink though, leaving him standing in the pile of it.

“Fascinating,” Medic said.

“Is anyone on this team a damn human?” Scout asked.

Pyro and Engie raised their hands. Whether Heavy neglected to follow suit due to not caring or was admitting to not being human was hard to say. Before Spy could ask though, Soldier-raccoon was growing big again. He’d stepped out of the clothing pile, resulting in him being naked upon reaching his full human form.

“C’mon Spy,” he clapped him on the shoulder, “let’s go get you those cigars.”

“Only if you put your clothes back on.”

Soldier paused to gathered back up but didn’t move to put them on before starting for his room again. “Not yet. I like being nude.”

Well at least Spy had gotten confirmation that his hunch was correct and he’d deflected Soldier away from being angry at him over the intrusion. If the payment for that was standing around with him while he was naked and smoking one of his probably shitty cigars, so be it.

Heavy Yeti

Probably no one could find out Heavy’s secret or out him, purposefully or otherwise. His genetic defect – only really a defect due to it harming his ability to withstand the cold as much as he otherwise would’ve been able to – made him look close enough to human to allow the differences to be explained as abnormal but still within the realm of theoretically possible for a human. They’d have to meet his family to know the truth and that wasn’t happening. So his secret was safe.

So many of the rest of the team had been outed as not humans though. And every single member had been fine with each of those outings. Quite a few of those outings had been involuntary though. It felt strange, knowing their secrets against their will while keeping his own non-human nature hidden. He didn’t owe them that knowledge of course but the fact that they’d likely be accepting of it did make him more inclined to tell.

Should he tell though? He’d never told anyone before. Upon leaving his mountain home he’d been urged to hold the secret close. Yeti fur sold for a lot on the black market. He didn’t have much himself but if anyone found his village thanks to his loose lips, he’d never be able to live with himself. Elements of that held true for many of the team though; monster parts in general tended to sell for a lot in certain circles even if they were technically illegal to harvest and sell. So by telling, he’d just be putting himself in the same boat as everyone else who’d been outed as a monster. Maybe it still wouldn’t be wise to, they were all hired killers after all, but Heavy liked them. He trusted them to be normal. Or, no, not normal, but not close enough to friends to not be greedy enough to sell him out.

And so, decision made, he waited until supper when everyone, even Sniper, would be in the common room for food. He stood from the table and clapped his hands, drawing everyone’s gaze. “I have confession.”

“Let me guess,” Scout said, “you’re also some kind of monster?”

“Correct. I’m yeti.”

“Ha, see Snipes? I told you we’re all fucking monsters. It’s weird. What about you Engie and Pyro, got any news to share?”

“I’m human,” Pyro said, raising a hand.

“I ain’t a monster,” Engie said next. He didn’t say ‘human’ though. Probably an unimportant distinction. Maybe not but it wasn’t Heavy’s business.

Sniper spoke up next. “Aren’t yetis normally like, hairy or something? And you’re uh… mostly bald.”

“I have genetic defect. I grow much less fur.” Most of what he did have was on his chest and back.

“You’re a hairless bigfoot!” Soldier said. “That explains a lot.” Bigfoots were different, a cousin to yetis at best, but close enough. “I knew I would meet a bigfoot one day.”

And with that, the big reveal that Heavy had been wrestling with since Soldier’s outing as a raccoon a few days ago, was over. No one was even surprised at this point. It was quite nice to finally have off his chest.

Engie robot

Leaving Engie to guard the intel alone wasn’t something they always did, often Pyro stayed with him, but it wasn’t particularity unusual either. He was more than capable of holding his own in defensive situations. So there’d been no reason for anyone to think much of it until the explosion had gone off, collapsing that part of the building. Which still normally would’ve actually been fine – if their intel got buried under rubble it couldn’t easily be stolen, when they needed those documents themselves it would be more of problem but still a minor one – but the explosion also likely hit Respawn.

The chance of Engie surviving the explosion and the building collapsing on him afterwards was low. His only hope was that Respawn wasn’t as damaged as it looked from the outside.

It was frustrating waiting for Scout’s report on the damage but if the enemy team resumed fighting – they’d seemingly been ordered to stand down for now – Medic was needed on the front lines even more than usual. Their Respawn might be down but the enemy’s certainly wasn’t, putting them at the huge disadvantaged if any of them died. The only upside was that the clouds overhead were thick, blocking the sun. It wasn’t much of an upside.

He shifted, adjusting the medi-gun’s backpack on his shoulders. The umbrella sticking out of it wasn’t new but Engie had upgraded it for him recently because the ribs in the old one had been sagging. Medic could’ve done it himself of course and had intended to but Engie had somehow noticed that minor flaw and had done it before Medic had found time to get around to it. And now he was probably dead. If Medic could get to him before he finished dying, the medi-gun could save or, failing that, Medic could just turn him. An unlikely scenario.

So Engie was almost certainly dead and there was a good chance of it being permanent. That was… an uncomfortable thought. Medic should’ve turned him. Engie had declined his offer to do so though. So had Heavy and everyone else on the team. Maybe Medic should force the issue with the rest of them before the enemy team…

“I found Engie,” Scout’s voice came through the radio. “He’s um… well…”

“Dead,” Spy finished for him, “Not surprising. What about Respawn?”

“No. I mean… he’s not dead. He’s… it’s probably better if you guys just see for yourselves. I can’t carry him out on my own though so if you could come help, Heavy, that’d be great. We’re at what used to be the back of the uh… left side of the building if you’re facing the entrance.

“On my way.” Heavy took off and Medic followed. If Engie was still alive somehow he definitely needed medical assistance. Scout hadn’t sounded particularly urgent though and he hadn’t asked for Medic’s help, just Heavy’s. Intriguing.

Despite the need for vigilance against the other team not having diminished, almost everyone fell in line behind Medic. The only one who stayed was Soldier, still intent on his patrol. Spy was presumably still nearby too and Sniper had found a good vantage point a short distance away. So it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been.

Finding Scout and Engie didn’t take long with Scout standing atop some rubble, waving them over. On the other side of Engie sat slumped against what had once been a wall. His lower half was missing, nowhere in sight. No guts spooled out of him though or even any blood. Instead it was wires, a few of which were sparking.

“Howdy.” His voice sounded not unlike it was coming from a damaged speaker. “Looks like I got some explaining to do too.”

“Robot?” Heavy asked.

“Yep. Made by Fred Conagher. He uh, accidentally did too a good job so I made myself a body that looked convincingly human and now we’re here. I maybe should’ve said something sooner but uh… it is what it is.”

“We really are all fucking monsters, huh?” Demo said. “Or monsters and a robot. What ‘bout you Py? Ready to come clean?”

Pyro shook his head. “I’m human.”

Medic didn’t believe that. Right now wasn’t the time to get into it though. “We need to deal with all this first. I assume you’ll need help putting yourself back together?”

“Help would be much appreciated, yes. I can walk you and Py through what I’ll need from you no problem though once we get back to the main base.” Where they could turn that Resapwn on. Without the teleporters it was going to be quite the long walk but at least they would all be making it.

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