Daesung’s plea cut through Leo until the pain of it made him numb. It was fast but Leo felt every word. Don’t be like me. How could he ask that? What wrong did he do, acting on his fears and trying to run from them? It had not given him the life he once had, no. But he was alive. He was here, in Leo’s arms and holding onto him as though Leo might keep his head above water. That Leo was grateful for. Another selfish need that he could not ever hope to justify.
His hand rubbed circles against Daesung’s back as Leo tried to comfort him. It was instinct, however unusual it felt to be acting upon it. “You were scared of judgement yet you’ll judge yourself harder than anyone else might have done.” It rang true for Leo too. Except these words… he could block them out. Leo could insist that they did not apply to him - that he should not receive the same acceptance he permitted others. “Don’t. Don’t hurt yourself anymore than you have to, Daesung. Please. It- I can’t see you like that.”
The sobs had eased somewhat. Relief rushed through Leo steadily. Seeing Daesung so broken, so worried about telling the truth was more than Leo could bare. He took a slow breath and knew Daesung felt it. He could other a small piece of his own truth back to him. He owed Daesung that much after… this. “When my time comes,” he murmured, “I will have no doubt that I am meant to die. I will not question it. That does not mean that you were weak to run from it.” Leo smiled sadly, grateful that Daesung could not see him. “Death has been chasing me for a long time.”
But his smile slipped as Daesung thanked him. His stomach dropped. Leo pulled away from the other’s embrace just a fraction, enough to steady his face carefully. His heart gave another lurch seeing his reddened eyes, his cheeks still damp from tears. A best friend… that was what Daesung saw him as? Leo froze. No matter what Daesung though of himself, there was a reason he was meant to protect others. He saved Leo. Just in being here, in saying those words… Leo didn’t want to run away. Perhaps there was nothing he could offer in return, but if Daesung saw him as his best friend…
Swallowing, Leo took hold of Daesung’s wrists. He looked down at their hands - similar hands, long fingers - and wondered just how he had been allowed to be so close to him. The questions could wait until later. “Don’t apologise for anything. I am… so lucky to know you. So lucky. I don’t know what I have done to deserve your friendship…” He broke off to swallow again, to push past the lump in his throat. “I don’t wish to lose it. Truth or no truth.”
Daesung couldn’t help but feel that it was something primitive inside of him that found so much comfort in the gentle feeling of Leo’s hand on his back. There was something about touch that was always so comforting. Maybe that was why, without realizing it, without thinking about it, he himself had become so prone to the temptation to be close to his friends. To be able to be there for them, as a physical being for them to hold on to, to be the person for them to - literally - lean on. And for that to suddenly be turned on him.. He was certain that Leo was helping him more than he even realized.
“I guess that doesn’t matter anymore, since I can’t take my decision back.” There was something firm, but neither joyous nor regretful about his tone. It was his choice, and now he had to live with it. And he was starting to accept that. “But I’m sorry.. Sometimes it’s hard.” He didn’t want to hurt Leo. He didn’t want to make Leo suffer for him. That was neither his intention nor his job. But he was beginning to steady himself, to think more thoroughly about his replies and Leo’s words, not speaking so much based on emotion alone.
Then it was Daesung’s turn to gently rub Leo’s back. Whatever had caused him to take that slow, deep breath must have been important and had a great weight in his mind. And even though he had no idea what this thought the other must have had was, he was going to get him through it.
It was a heavy topic, there was no doubt about that. Death, when spoken about in seriousness, was never something that was easy to discuss. But Daesung couldn’t help but admire the ease with which Leo spoke about it. “That’s not something that many people are able to say,” he pointed out in a weak whisper, momentarily disregarding the elder’s comments about himself. “I want you to know that. I honestly admire that you’re able to say that so easily.” But he didn’t want to argue with Leo any longer. No matter what he was told, no matter how close someone pushed him to change his mind, Daesung would still have that one speck of doubt in his mind, that one sliver of belief that despite everything, he had made the weakest decision at the most important time of his life.
But as Leo moved back only slightly to look at him, Daesung couldn’t help the incredulous look on his features as he let the elder take gentle hold of his wrists. He couldn’t wrap his head around Leo’s comment. Death had been chasing him.. What on earth did that mean? Certainly, there were several ways in which to take the comment, but he couldn’t be sure which was correct. And he was certain that it would not be appropriate to ask. “You didn’t have to do anything.” Finally he spoke, his voice gentle, his head cocking to the side in it’s usual manner. “Sometimes you don’t have to do anything to deserve something. Sometimes things happen by happy coincidence. And there’s too many horrible things that happen to question it. And anyways, I think I’m the lucky one to have gotten a friend as good as you. I mean.. What I just told you, most people would have called me crazy, but you believe me.”
It was thickly that Daesung swallowed, Leo’s words from moments earlier still ringing in his ears. ‘Death has been chasing me for a long time’. It was those words that prompted his request. “You can feel free to say no,” he began, looking his friend in the eyes, “But if you would let me.. Would you allow me to give you an angel’s blessing?”
