Previously: Dependence, Fuck it, I’ll Name Names, Tank
My friend Jack Chapman (@brandedbulltank) died last week. I’ve been going back through our texts, old photos, and talking with his friends. There are a few things I haven’t said before that… I think I need to say now. And there are some things that need clearing up.
When I knew Jack, he was Tank Chapman; later, he took Dylan’s (@noodlesandbeef’s) last name, becoming Tank Hafertepen. The name Tank was important to him, and something that he expressed joy and pride in–but it was also a marker of Dylan’s control and erasure of his identity. This is a complicated matter, because Jack eroticized a lack of control, but one of his closest friends told me that he expressed a desire to change his name back to Jack. That’s what I’ll call him here.
A friend of my Sir pulled the death certificate in Seattle. Jack didn’t die as a result of an “undiagnosed lung condition”. He died because of silicone poisoning. He was not, as Dylan claimed, alive on Tuesday. He wasn’t “rather upset” about the rumors of his death, and he didn’t care about finding out who spread them. He wasn’t “studying for the GRE”. He had been dead since Monday morning.
I don’t know how long Jack was in the hospital, and I don’t know what his experience was like there–but I know that Dylan isolated him and kept his death from his friends, and that makes me deeply uncomfortable. I don’t know if Jack would have wanted privacy, or how he would have felt in those final days, but if he did want his friends there, I know they would have been there for him.
Jack was deeply submissive, and found joy, love, and belonging in his relationship with Dylan Hafertepen (@noodlesandbeef). He eroticized an uncommon level of physical and emotional domination. It was difficult for me to tell whether Jack’s relationship–involving behavioral restrictions, physical changes, reverence towards his master, and deep shame at disappointing him–were hallmarks of abuse, or a part of a healthy Master/slave relationship.
Many submissive boys struggle with depression and other mental health issues. When Jack expressed feelings of shame and inadequacy, or negative feelings towards Dylan, I was unsure as to whether these feelings were caused by his relationship, or whether Dylan was doing his best to be there for a man in the grips of a depressive episode. And when Jack returned to Dylan, and expressed happiness at being accepted into the family again, well… maybe it was all right after all.
Because of this ambiguity, it took years for me to decide that Jack’s relationship with Dylan was abusive. Finally, Jack told me he was being abused; that he was scared, that he needed to escape. He told other friends he was being abused. And while much of Dylan’s manipulation remained subtle and ambiguous, he took concrete actions which cannot, I feel, be interpreted as a part of a healthy Dom/sub relationship: he isolated Jack from his friends, and used legal and financial threats to reassert control when Jack tried to leave.
In December 2016, Jack told me he needed to get out of the relationship, that he was scared of Dylan, and expressed concern for Dylan’s mental health.
Keep it to yourself, but for my own sake I need to develop an exit strategy for myself.
[I’m] scared of him. Also I know in leaving I won’t be able to talk to my other partners.
In March of 2017, Jack left the relationship. Dylan threatened Jack with small claims court if he talked about the relationship. Jack told me that Dylan had covered his rent as a gift, and that gift unexpectedly became a loan when he left. The $4700 Dylan sought, roughly 1.5% of Dylan’s annual income, would have completely wiped out Jack’s escape fund.
I had to get out of that to save myself
He threatened me last night, that if I talked about our relationship he’d take me to small claims court.
His desire for control runs deep. But I know that my silence is his power.
Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Page 4, Page 5
Like many of Jack’s friends, I didn’t talk about this publicly out of respect for his privacy, and concern over possible repercussions for Jack and the other subs in Dylan’s family. With Jack’s death, that ethical calculus has shifted. I think a lot about this line:
I emotionally backed off when I knew he could fill me with so much shame that I would either have a nervous breakdown or dissociate from myself.
Jack told @sirssoutherncomfort, another of Dylan’s former boys, about the threats as well.
He [made] me promise him (under duress) that I wouldn’t speak to anyone about our relationship, otherwise he would take me to small claims court.
@macrophile-and-cheese saw the same thing.
It’s an intimidation tactic to prevent me from speaking about our relationship… [He] is extremely manipulative and abusive
I reached the limit of what I could take. He was being emotionally abusive, making me feel awful constantly, walking on eggshells - spending all my mental energy keeping him happy and failing.
A mutual friend told me that Jack invited him over for dinner, and announced that he was returning to Dylan. Nobody I talked to knows exactly what happened, or why he went back, but we knew we had to be careful. Jack’s longtime friends found themselves blocked after having spoken out too strongly against Dylan. Others, like Tanner, received strange apologies from Jack:
Hey Tanner, I just wanted to express to you that in the past I have said things about Master Dylan that have been unfair, cruel, and mean. Over time I have come to recognise that I am the origin of so much of the hurt that has existed between him and I, and feel that in trying to make things better I need to take responsibility for some of the things that I have done, and to take back some [of] the hurtful things that I have said about him.
Hi Tanner, I just wanted to go back to the apology that I made the other day. I don’t think it went far enough. Everything I said was more than just spite, they were malicious lies with the intention of damaging both him and his reputation. Master Dylan has not done anything wrong except making the mistake of trusting me, and for that I am sorry - to both you and him.
So we expressed our cautious support, and reassured Jack that should he ever need to talk, we’d be there for him. I’ve done a lot of second-guessing this past week: if I’d checked in more, pushed harder, would he have made it out for good? Would he be alive?
I don’t know. Probably never will. Jack’s isolation was such that many of us don’t know much about his last year. I very much doubt we’ll get the truth from Dylan.
As Leathermen we play with fire, both physical and emotional. What makes this practice ethical is the enthusiastic consent of all parties. What makes it healthy is the exploration, healing, and flourishing of the spirit. What Dylan did to Jack denied his consent and isolated him from the friends who offered him support. I don’t think it was healthy S/M. I think it was abuse.
Dylan has four other boys who are in the family proper. While their stories are their own to tell, I suspect they may face similar challenges as Jack. They are also, I imagine, grieving the loss of their partner and friend. They deserve our understanding and support.
In the past, Dylan maintained a rotating group of ~4 uncollared subs in addition to the 4-5 publicly acknowledged pups, whom he groomed for service. Dylan’s standard practice was to prohibit these boys from revealing his identity as their Dom, and often they were unaware of how many other boys there were. Look out for your friends with mysterious Doms they can’t talk about. Remind them that while a relationship with a Dom can be fun and exciting, it shouldn’t cut them off from their friends and family, and they should always be free to walk away.
Dylan’s been something of an open secret in the SF and Seattle leather communities for years now, but we’re a fractious lot, and the whisper network is slow, incomplete, and often vague. That’s part of why I’m publishing these conversations with Jack now: to provide a specific point of reference for people the whisper network doesn’t reach.
As queer people, our friends and chosen family are a powerful force. I’m thankful that Jack shared his love with so many, and heartened that so many of his friends offered him their unconditional support. There’s so much I don’t know about Jack’s story, but… he wasn’t alone. You aren’t either.
Talk about abuse with your friends and family. It can be hard to recognize even when it’s happening to you, but the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness has a good checklist of warning signs. If you or someone you know is scared to leave a relationship, if threats or coercion continues after you’ve withdrawn consent, if your partner isolates you from your support network, check in with a friend. Make a plan. Get help.
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