A Letter I'll Never Send
Dear I and R,
I will never put your full names because it makes it too easy for people to find you. Fortunately, on Tumblr, this will help with some anonymity.
I write this to you knowing that you will never fully understand the extent of the pain I went through. I grew up with hair shedding and weight gained from the stress of not being good enough. The biases you were brought up with were directly injected into my siblings and me. Like poison in our veins, our identities brimmed with toxin.
'A' was the golden boy until he ran away from everything you implanted in him. The pressure and the trauma of his childhood caused him to run from the one good person in his life. Yet despite his poor choices and adulterous actions, you still pity him. He's lucky to still be loved so much by you.
As for 'B', he retreated differently. He got to do what he likes without concern or complaint from you. He is now free in a way, working in a job he can be good at, because you couldn't dissuade him from following in his passion.
T has managed to be the most successful. The unconditional love of R is what made her so. She knew what was needed to win his approval, and she did. Until she and J became an item. And then our already unstable, volatile home became a battleground of them versus you. She paid a heavy price for who she loved. Yet she is happy still, has everything she ever wanted. Why things worked out for her and not for us, I will never know.
'J' gets to be whatever he wants. His choices and actions are permitted, and nothing he does is scrutinized. He is the newer golden child until someone else fills the role. It is hard not to feel jealous seeing the freedom he has, and we didn't get.
So what about me? The oldest daughter is still damaged. Your emotional unavailability was the trigger for me to marry someone disabled and unable to fulfil the role of a husband. You didn't want me to marry. You wanted me single so I could be available at your beck and call. I was never meant to lead a life of my own; it had to be attached to yours like a Siamese twin.
I can't completely blame you. I know partially it wasn't your fault, you failed to provide for our emotional needs because of how you two were raised. It wasn't natural to be comforted when you were sad. So it wasn't something you could do.
Thankfully, I realised that I can break the cycle of your emotional neglect. I will instill in my son the assurance that his feelings matter and teach emotional intelligence as best I can in other ways of my life. One day, things will be better for me, and I will build the family I never had at home. I am shedding your sins like a snake's skin and letting them fall into a fire. As they are burnt by the flames, I can breathe knowing that I will be able to forgive you, but won't completely trust you. Or ever allow you full access to me again.
God willing, I won't make the same mistakes as you. I hope and pray this.
E
