♔saudade
(noun) “the love that remains;” a nostalgic longing for someone that was loved and then lost, with knowledge that they might never return
Even before they announce the group hike, Gwen has already made plans to visit the Fountain of Dreams with or without company. The princess has always been a romantic at heart and it goes without question that she will go visit the fountain even without knowing whether or not the legend is true. Given that everything that has happened to her these past weeks, a little time for herself is much needed and the short hike up the mountain is the perfect getaway.
She doesn’t really have any expectations and she has yet to make a decision on what her wish will be so reaching and seeing the famous Fountain of Dreams for the first time is anticlimactic of sorts. The waterfalls is as majestic as the legend said it would be and the water is so clear that the basin at the bottom of the waterfalls doesn’t look as deep as it really is. It’s truly a sight to behold but the view in itself takes you surprise in the quietest of fashions; almost as if it creeps up on you rather than overwhelming you outright.
“Well, I guess this is it.” The water is ice cold but in the heat of summer, it’s more refreshing than anything else. Gwen sits on one of the rocks as she dips both her legs into the water; aside from the sound of gushing water, it’s pretty quiet as the other students find their own space around the area. Unlike the others, Gwen doesn’t really know what to wish for seeing as she joined the hike out of an adventurous whim. It wouldn’t make sense for her to wish for material things seeing as everything she can ever want or need is provided for her by her parents and she really isn’t materialistic by any means so she’s very much content with what she has now.
But even then, the chance to have a wish granted seems too good to pass up and being the romantic that she is, she ends up wishing for something so cliche that her own wish makes her cringe. “I wish to be happy again; to be really happy and not just be pretend happy. I want this pain in my heart to go away and I don’t ever want to think about it again.” She tries to not think about the reason why she’s so unhappy right now but try as hard as she does, she knows too that it’s impossible not to think of Erik and so she leaves the fountain thinking of him. He’s also the last thought on her mind as she goes back to her cabin.
The fountain doesn’t exactly grant her wish but she sees improvements; the gnawing pain in her chest subsides into a dull throbbing ache as she continues her days in school. People seem to have already gotten over the break-up of EAH’s so called campus couple but still, here and there, she hears girls making snide remarks about why Erik broke up with her in the first place. She doesn’t pay them any mind just as she ignores all the boys who ask her out on dates. It’s been months but she just isn’t ready.
Things with Erik have gotten better, if she can say that. She’s mastered the art of hiding her true feelings from him beneath well practiced and masked expressions. The two of them are more formal around each other now but that’s okay because Gwen doubts she’ll be able to keep it together even with the slightest bit of friendliness is exchanged between them. She puts him at an arm’s length because if she lets him come any closer, she knows that she will never let him go.
Erikson is the name she calls him with because Erik reminds her too much of the love they once shared and it’s a wound that’s barely begun to heal so she’d rather not tear it open again. It’s like living in a bubble, every day she spends in this newfound civility with her ex-lover, and if she keeps telling it to herself it almost seems like she isn’t hurting.
but it’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does.
Fooling everyone else is easy but Gwen has learned that the hardest person to fool is actually herself. There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t end up thinking about him and there always seems to be a small part of her that wishes she could pull him close again and kiss him like how she used to -- she tries very hard, prays about it day and night but her love for him never fades.
He is still her forever love.
October 31st is nearing and she immerses herself in preparations for the upcoming school event just so she doesn’t end up thinking about how that day supposedly marks their 4th anniversary. It’s over now, she reminds herself but her heart tells her otherwise and sometimes she her resolve cracks and she decides to put her feelings into writing.
October 2016
I don’t honestly know why I am writing this in the first place because I have no plans of ever giving it to you but it’s getting harder now to keep hiding my feelings so I figured I’d write it all down here in hopes of finding release for myself.
Do you know that I miss you everyday? It’s easy to say otherwise but that would be lying and I never want to lie to you. I miss you every single day that it makes me hate myself because your smile still tugs at my heartstrings and your perfume reminds me so much of home when it no longer should. I think about your hair and how stupidly good in looks when the light hits it just right and I hate the way I think about running my fingers through it like I used to. I sometimes miss you when I’m doing homework and I’m getting distracted because then I remember how you would scold me for not concentrating but we’d somehow end up cuddling and kissing. I hate that everything in my room weirdly reminds me of you and it makes me sick because I feel like you’re there with me but in reality you aren’t.
I hate you so much, don’t you know? Because you always look like breaking up with me has been the easiest thing for you yet here I am feeling I lost half of myself. Tell me how you do it, please. Tell me how to make myself happy again because I can’t do it by myself. I hate you so much because I miss you every fucking day and I feel so stupid for doing so because I know for sure that you don’t.
Why am I the only one like this? Why am I hurting so much and you aren’t? Why do I feel like dying would be easier than what you’re putting me through because you seem so happy and I haven’t been happy since you walked away from me?
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you, Erikson Thorn.
But most of all, I hate you because I still love you.
There. I said it. It’s been months but my feelings for you haven’t changed. You, who has broken my heart and smashed it into pieces, are still the owner of my heart and all the love I have in it. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of you and how much I love you still.
I hate you, I do, but I also love you more than anything and anyone that I wish for you to be happy more than I wish for you to come back to me. I pray for your happiness because I know that seeing my love happy, even if it’s not with me, is worth all this heartache.
So grant me this one wish, won’t you for old times sake? Be well and live happily. I am forever thankful for the chance to have called you mine and love you with all my heart.
Always yours, Gwyneth
The letter is sealed with all her love but instead of slipping it under his bedroom door, she stashes the envelope under her pillow and never sends it to him.












