30/30

e. amato

[eamato]

26/30

tzatziki and hummus

make themselves

drawing on ancestries

I am not supposed to have

 but there it is

muscle

memory

melody floating in blood

to a beat held steady

over time

[eamato]

The Luxury of Bitterness 25/30

 She fed me radishes

my baby tongue sliced by sharpness

searching for a way to call it home

  I should be grateful she fed me at all

later she would withhold food

along with praise care attention my needs

  There is a connection between a 

predisposition for bitter foods

and being a psychopath

This knowledge, though recent,

was no surprise

  She basted in her bitterness

savoured her sarcasm

marinated in malaise

relished rage

 Such was her privilege

lovingly prepared for her 

by immigrant parents

cooking skipped a generation

in between only consumption

scorched to charcoal

 How easy it is

in the end

to burn things to a crisp

 How much harder 

to take lineage, nutrients and flavors

work and time 

combine into sumptuousness

serve graciously

to everyone

around the table.

[eamato]

April 24/30

April

 was

the cruelest

month

[eamato]

Texts I Can't Send to Mary 3   23/30

1. Why is there a run on Sparkasse today?

2. Is tomorrow a holiday?

3. 

4. Forlorn

5. When you come from P'Berg to Neukolln for an apartment viewing and no one shows up to let you see it and you lose 3 hours of your work day

6. When you think going to your favorite cafe & sitting outside will help but you wait in line 10 minutes to order and there are no seats outside and you sit inside in the dark surrounded by annoying conversations

7. I got your email. :( I will answer soon. Promise.

8. Love you.

9. I miss Yuki. Why didn't I bring her here?

10. The apartment search has deadened my soul. I have no soul. It is dead. Luke's father is my father. Which is good. Now I have a father.

11. Should I get back on Telegram? I could. For you. And Majid. Don’t tell anyone else, though. I’ll think about it.

[eamato]

Billions 22/30

How far does the game go

before it's not a game

is it blood

bone

marrow

  without referees

references

context

more dollars

than people

always

more people

than dollars

  reproduce the expendable

expend the reproduce-able

call it a cycle

kill the dissenters

because shaming has been shamed

from our psyches

and murder most joyful

of human imperatives

better direct than indirect

but indirect will do

 tell me

what does winning look like

what does winning look like for you

[eamato]

21/30

Is private. But I promise I wrote it.

[eamato]

May Day 20/30

I can never find out on time

about changing clocks or holidays

have slotted this day as the first one

to work straight through

in weeks or maybe months

no distractions no diversions

no drama please

 Clients have needs and work

I prefer to focus on this

 At 4pm the day has gone

I have not eaten or showered or seen sun

I am hungry but everything is closed

for the holiday

May Day. Labor Day. Workers' Day.

 Every day I crave pizza

except today when there is only pizza

I go anyway and think calzone, tonno, 

stromboli, sfogliatelle

home

I ask about the thunfisch in Italian

He says it's with cipolla

then says English is fine

I say English is good and my Italian is not

yet the rest of the conversation is a minestre

of Italian, German and English that is

effortless and strange but effective

 If I think about what I would lose

this is it

and this street

one of my first ones here

that has 3 Spatis, a French cheese shop

that turns wine bar at night

a Napolitano pizza place

next to a backerei

a piano store, a place for Klavier lessons

yes, they are different

at least 6 upscale boutiques

2 odd gift stores

a bookseller

1 or 2 hair salons

a casting agency

2 startups

2 jewelry shops or 3

bridal shop with edge

physical therapy praxis

dive bar or 2 or 3 depending on your definition

a tapas place, 2 Indian, an African, 2 Korean, 1 Asian fusion, a German wein bar, a French wine bar that is only open sometimes and seems like a secret

the new southern place that is going to make me shrimp & grits and spinach-artichoke dip some day

 it sounds like a very long street

it seems like New York

it is a city smashed into the length of one block it is high and low

and on Beltane how pretty the trees

 The cobbles still unsteady my walk

but no

I don't want to lose this

I don't want to lose this, too

#tinyBerlinstories

[eamato]

Texts I Can't Send to Mary 2  19/30

 1. Did honey-turmeric mask. Doing yogurt face/hair mask. Nothing will save my skin from stress. :(

 2. The "This Can't Be Happening" continues....sent you email.

 3. So hungry. So lazy. Sunday. Why didn't I food shop last night? Have I not learned yet?

 4. I miss Yuki.

 5. Now M-- is not coming back. Where is Berlin going? Should I be going, too?

 6. Gah. Really apartment hunting is killing me. But I choose to be grateful for my Monatskarte. Miss you.

 7. Have you met my friend Laura yet? She drives a bus. I feel like you will meet her on her route one day. :)

 8. When you want to go out because it's beautiful, but you want to stay in because life.

 9. You've been gone a month and your whole life is new and happening. You've been gone a month and all I've done is deal with this apartment shit. It's more than a month, actually. :( Fuck.

 10. Looking at 3 apartments tomorrow. 3 neighborhoods. Will I ever have time to work again???

 11. Love you. Miss you.

 12. Full Moon. In Scorpio. Because we need more drama. :D :D :D

[eamato]

Lineage 18/30

time water-washed hands

 cleaning is a way of relating to space

 holding back chaos

 cheating death

 celebrating its arrival

[eamato]

Male Fragility 17/30

wishing to speak mind

scorched by expectations thrown

meaning codified catalogued

dipped brass handed back

  I

dissolve in their acid

[eamato]

Untitled 16/30

Obscure

obfuscate

obliterate

obstinate

obsess

  accent

accede

accelerate

accrete

accrue

[eamato]

Messy 15/30

'Let it be messy' was the advice

Not let it be cruel unkind

mean-spirited brain dump

of insecurities

  Messy is zero fucks no attachment

to outcome digging in the chaotic

dirt of living in non-binary present

no guarantees no simple solutions

no blueprint

                         just transparency 

conflicting wants needs jettisoning

expectations to hone in on shifting

reality

  the worst best thing you can ever do

the hardest thing to make things easier

the only way forward

  e. amato

15/30 2018

[eamato]

Inferno 14/30

A pristine copy

in his hands I wonder

if, for the sake of this reader,

the German translator

is perchance

a better writer than Mr. Brown

 perhaps there is even

one good sentence

between those covers.

 #tinyBerlinstories

e. amato

14/30 2018

[eamato]

Lies 13 of 30

Your lies trip each other's tongues

fall tangled on hardwood

puddle of saliva

where you once were

  It lay there finally silent

until a woman comes

brooms falsity dust into pan

mops the spitting saliva

  There is always a woman

to come clean up after you

but she will say no prayers

at your grave

 e. amato

13/30 2018

[eamato]

Boundaries 12/30

 are not borders

boundaries are permeable

transgress-able inconveniently

fluid

                       I want boundaries

that stand up to time and pressure

pleasure-enabled constructions

functional sturdy unbendingly

flexible

                       this is possible

boundaries at once solid and

transparent stiff as steel yet

willowy taffeta

                       or not

it is the boundary within the

boundary that is conundrum

the place it all crumbles

will tumbling into shifty

acquiescence lessons cascade

restless

                       we fall

Humpty Dumpty 

Berlin Wall

                       unrepairable

again

                       floating

in fixed perspective needing

what will never be met

 rest

                       rebuild

once more

                       tomorrow

  e. amato

12/30 2018

[eamato]

Texts I Can't Send to Mary 11/30

1. I dreamt a lot last night. I woke up laughing a few times. One dream had a new band in it. Everyone was talking about this band. The name of the band is The Shady Leeks. I think they're probably alt-vegan. ;) Keep an eye out for them! 

2. Totally want to strangle [name redacted].  3. On my way to see an apartment and they took my train out of service. Want to scream. Miss you.  4. Yogurt hair mask. Life changing. 5. Lunch: homemade roasted eggplant dip, spicy white bean hummus, tzatziki and watermelon agua fresca.

 6. Miss you.

 7. Saw a fab apartment! Sending you video!

 8. My new best friends are Google Translate and my Monatskarte. #apartmenthunting

 9. Yuki says hi! She misses you!

 10. Yogi choco-chai tea w/honey and mandel-hafer milch is saving my life right now. Miss you love you!

  e. amato

11/30 2018

[eamato]

Thoughts & Prayers 10/30

Too costly plane rides away

some women friends are living through

some unimaginable shit

  Caught in the trap of life

drop coffee money to crowd funds

email funny links or new poems

or thinking of you

  I am. Keeping you

holding space for you

in my thoughts and prayers

  Yes. I said that. Because

once going through some

unimaginable shit friends

caught in the trap of life

too costly plane rides away

dropped coffee money in crowd fund

emailed funny links new poems

thinking of

kept me in their thoughts

and prayers and this

kept me alive

  those close sometimes don't see

the unimaginable shit

sometimes takes ones

you have met along the way

kindred by choice

to send the healing and light

however they may

 and how they may

for free and without time zones

is thoughts and prayers

sent mindfully received

are ceremonial sage

uplift and change

 the ones sent via

empty envelopes

no stamp

unsealed flap

carelessly smudged ink

intentions unreadable

  those are the ones

those

to mark:

 return to sender

no longer at this address

   e. amato

10/30 2018