I wasn’t really expecting painful things to happen to me.
I knew that pain was a part of life, but — thanks in part to a peculiar blend of “God-has-a-plan” Southern roots, a suburban “Midwestern nice” upbringing, and a higher education in New England stoicism — I managed to skate by for quite some time without having to experience it.
After a handful of traumas in the last five years, things look different now. Trauma upends everything we took for granted, including things we didn’t know we took for granted. And many of these realities I wish I’d known when I first encountered them. So, while the work of life and healing continues, here are ten things I’ve learned about trauma along the way:
1. Trauma permanently changes us.
This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop.
This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage.
2. Presence is always better than distance.
There is a curious illusion that in times of crisis people “need space.” I don’t know where this assumption originated, but in my experience it is almost always false. Trauma is a disfiguring, lonely time even when surrounded in love; to suffer through trauma alone is unbearable. Do not assume others are reaching out, showing up, or covering all the bases.
It is a much lighter burden to say, “Thanks for your love, but please go away,” than to say, “I was hurting and no one cared for me.” If someone says they need space, respect that. Otherwise, err on the side of presence.
3. Healing is seasonal, not linear.
It is true that healing happens with time. But in the recovery wilderness, emotional healing looks less like a line and more like a wobbly figure-8. It’s perfectly common to get stuck in one stage for months, only to jump to another end entirely … only to find yourself back in the same old mud again next year.
Recovery lasts a long, long time. Expect seasons.
4. Surviving trauma takes “firefighters” and “builders.” Very few people are both.
This is a tough one. In times of crisis, we want our family, partner, or dearest friends to be everything for us. But surviving trauma requires at least two types of people: the crisis team — those friends who can drop everything and jump into the fray by your side, and the reconstruction crew — those whose calm, steady care will help nudge you out the door into regaining your footing in the world. In my experience, it is extremely rare for any individual to be both a firefighter and a builder. This is one reason why trauma is a lonely experience. Even if you share suffering with others, no one else will be able to fully walk the road with you the whole way.
A hard lesson of trauma is learning to forgive and love your partner, best friend, or family even when they fail at one of these roles. Conversely, one of the deepest joys is finding both kinds of companions beside you on the journey.
5. Grieving is social, and so is healing.
For as private a pain as trauma is, for all the healing that time and self-work will bring, we are wired for contact. Just as relationships can hurt us most deeply, it is only through relationship that we can be most fully healed.
It’s not easy to know what this looks like — can I trust casual acquaintances with my hurt? If my family is the source of trauma, can they also be the source of healing? How long until this friend walks away? Does communal prayer help or trivialize?
Seeking out shelter in one another requires tremendous courage, but it is a matter of life or paralysis. One way to start is to practice giving shelter to others.
6. Do not offer platitudes or comparisons. Do not, do not, do not.
“I’m so sorry you lost your son, we lost our dog last year … ” “At least it’s not as bad as … ” “You’ll be stronger when this is over.” “God works in all things for good!”
When a loved one is suffering, we want to comfort them. We offer assurances like the ones above when we don’t know what else to say. But from the inside, these often sting as clueless, careless, or just plain false.
Trauma is terrible. What we need in the aftermath is a friend who can swallow her own discomfort and fear, sit beside us, and just let it be terrible for a while.
7. Allow those suffering to tell their own stories.
Of course, someone who has suffered trauma may say, “This made me stronger,” or “I’m lucky it’s only (x) and not (z).” That is their prerogative. There is an enormous gulf between having someone else thrust his unsolicited or misapplied silver linings onto you, and discovering hope for one’s self. The story may ultimately sound very much like “God works in all things for good,” but there will be a galaxy of disfigurement and longing and disorientation in that confession. Give the person struggling through trauma the dignity of discovering and owning for himself where, and if, hope endures.
8. Love shows up in unexpected ways.
This is a mystifying pattern after trauma, particularly for those in broad community: some near-strangers reach out, some close friends fumble to express care. It’s natural for us to weight expressions of love differently: a Hallmark card, while unsatisfying if received from a dear friend, can be deeply touching coming from an old acquaintance.
Ultimately every gesture of love, regardless of the sender, becomes a step along the way to healing. If there are beatitudes for trauma, I’d say the first is, “Blessed are those who give love to anyone in times of hurt, regardless of how recently they’ve talked or awkwardly reconnected or visited cross-country or ignored each other on the metro.” It may not look like what you’d request or expect, but there will be days when surprise love will be the sweetest.
9. Whatever doesn’t kill you …
In 2011, after a publically humiliating year, comedian Conan O’Brien gave students at Dartmouth College the following warning:
“Nietzsche famously said, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ … What he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.”
Odd things show up after a serious loss and creep into every corner of life: insatiable anxiety in places that used to bring you joy, detachment or frustration towards your closest companions, a deep distrust of love or presence or vulnerability.
There will be days when you feel like a quivering, cowardly shell of yourself, when despair yawns as a terrible chasm, when fear paralyzes any chance for pleasure. This is just a fight that has to be won, over and over and over again.
10. … Doesn’t kill you.
Living through trauma may teach you resilience. It may help sustain you and others in times of crisis down the road. It may prompt humility. It may make for deeper seasons of joy. It may even make you stronger.
It also may not.
In the end, the hope of life after trauma is simply that you have life after trauma. The days, in their weird and varied richness, go on. So will you.
Catherine Woodiwiss is Associate Web Editor at Sojourners. Find her on Twitter @chwoodiwiss.This piece originally appeared in Catapult magazine’s January issue, Ten Things.
A lot of people have no clue why Europe is currently in a state of uproar and the only word people seem to be saying is “Brexit” so here’s a not-so-quick and easy-breezy explanation on the past 24 hours of CHAOS that has ensued:
The European Union (EU): an organisation of European countries that follows similar laws, allows for freedom of movement/labour, easy travelling (@people who planned on doing Eurotrips, not sure if you can count the UK in that anymore!) and trade with each other. The EU is important because before it was formed, the European continent was ravaged by 2 world wars, and a division because of the Cold War. This organisation has provided all the stability we’ve seen in the past 40-odd years.
So what the heck is a “Brexit”? Basically, the UK has just voted to leave the EU. Now this doesn’t seem like a TERRIBLE thing, but there are some serious political and economic consequences.
Economic implications:
- The British pound crashed from 1.5 to 1.3 in 6 hours, the lowest value in 30 years, which in turn affected the US dollar which affects all other global currencies. I wish I was joking but I’m not: South Africa, Poland, Norway, Mexico. Hungary, Australia, Switzerland all saw their currencies plummet. Countries that don’t rely on exports as their means of production cannot have a devalued currency. IT’s not good. The Japanese Yen which has been strengthening reached an all-time high which is terrible because Japan is trying to reverse its deflationary state. The Bank of Japan is now out of options and Japan literally STOPPED TRADING IN BRITISH STOCKS/INVESTMENTS.
- A devalued GBP means that the Bank of England is going to have to hike interest rates to prevent inflation (domestic prices going up even further) whicH WILL CAUSE A RECESSION. SOUND FAMILIAR ANYONE? YEAH. FINANCIAL CRISES.
- The UK leaving the EU means its market has gone down a LOT in size making them a less attractive destination for trade partners/investors. They’re going to have to draw up new trade agreements with basically the whole world since all their trade was previously tied to the EU. This will be tricky because countries liked having a market with a population of ~500 million compared to the UK’s size of ~50 million.
- GDP will go down. Retirement income will go down. The British economy is in a state of panic. The global economy is basically, fucked. For now at least.
The thing is, given the precarious nature of the economy right now with markets out of control and stagnant growth practically everywhere, it was a really really bad time to have this referendum - a lot of countries have been banking on a “Bremain” before making their next move when it comes to monetary/fiscal policy. The IMF has predicted that 2016/2017 will see the worst years for growth, but we might see upward growth trends from 2018 onwards.
So how does it still get worse?
- Scotland showed an overwhelming majority of votes to remain in the EU. It’s likely that they’re going to call for a referendum (again) to leave the UK so that they can join the EU as an independent country.
- Northern Ireland also wanted to stay in the EU. It’s likely they’re going to join the Republic and join the EU.
- Not sure about Wales. They could go “haha fuck it mate” and potentially leave the UK too.
- David Cameron has just announced that he will be resigning in 3 months which means that extreme conservatives who managed to sway the vote in favour of Leave could come to power. That’s right. We’ll be stuck to suffer with the likes of Farage and Johnson.
- Brexit triggered a lot of nationalist/extreme right-wing movements in the rest of Europe. Some leaders already calling for “Frexit” (France), “Itexit” (Italy) and..”Dexit” (Netherlands)? We may see more in the next few days.. A disintegration of Europe is risky business because Europe has not been able to remain stable until the EU was formed. This could give way for an aggressive Russia too, who would want to take advantage of weak/vulnerable European states. An aggressive Russia will trigger US skepticism and we all know how that goes.
SO HOW DID THE GOVERNMENT LET THIS HAPPEN?
Basically David Cameron came up with the idea for the referendum because he was desperate to gain support from anti-EU parties like UKIP during the general elections last year. Except now he’s resigning. So.
During the campaign, Michael Gove, Boris Johnson (conservatives) and Nigel Farage (UKIP) stressed on immigration laws if the UK leaves the EU because immigration/refugees have been a big problem for the UK as its reducing jobs being given to UK locals/residents and they think the UK is becoming “overcrowded” so the Leave campaign was like WE WILL TIGHTEN OUR BORDERS! YEAH! Except now they’ve displaced millions of UK citizens living/working in the rest of the EU. Let’s see how they figure that one out.
Additionally, they talked about the economic benefits because if the UK were to leave, they would be able to allot the money that goes to the EU to other things like the NHS (national healthcare) etc. The Leave campaign went on about how the UK spends 350 million pounds a week on the EU but actually it spends less than half of that, so really, their campaign was built on scaremongering and lies.
Article 50, aka the means of exiting will be triggered in 3 months when the new Prime Minister is announced (most likely one of the extreme conservatives/Farage who are riding high on their “Independence Day” fuckery which is even more proof of xenophobic, colonialist bullshit) after which the UK will have 2 years to complete its official withdrawal so hopefully that will provide short-term stability.
But the world is in a dark place right now and everything is terrible.
I KNOW ITS LONG BUT PLEASE READ THIS IS IMPORTANT THIS IS GOING TO GO IN HISTORY TEXTBOOKS
It is that time of year again for holidays that bring grief, and after reading this this morning I couldn’t help but share. It somehow perfectly sums it up.
With every "first" my heart leaps for joy at watching your little brother and yet it grieves for what it would have been like with you. I'm simultaneously so excited to be in the moment and so devastated you are observing from above. Missing you and relishing him. Torn in two. Pulled from different directions and emotions. I never thought about what it would be like to raise a child after losing you. Sure I dreamt of having another baby after you died. I hoped we would be so lucky. But I didn't imagine what it would be like every step of the way. That was too much. Now I'm forced to face the changes that come at me in what seems like rapid succession. Little time to dwell, yet a lifetime to miss you every single day. And the tears just flow out like rain. There's so much beauty in the pain.
You'd be a toddler now. Walking, talking. We'd be thinking soon about preschools. What would you look like? Would your hair still be blonde? What color are your eyes? What's it like in heaven playing with the Angels? You are one of them. My dear sweet baby girl. My heart is broken open. Filled with sorrow, joy, tenderness and pain. You gave me your little brother. I know you had a hand in him being here with us. For that I am forever grateful. And also missing you in my arms. Instead I hold you in my heart. So many days it doesn't feel like enough and yet it must be.
One of my favorite things is story time with Iz before bed. I feel strongly about letting her choose the books she wants and I don’t like putting a cap on the number we read before bed (although once we get to 5+, I have to tap the brakes). She has a pretty extensive book collection but in the last few months I’ve started supplementing it with more library books. She went through a months-long phase where I read her the same two or three books every single night. Now, though, she’s becoming less loyal to a particular story and interested in more stories period. (This is great news, because if I had to read Ten Apples Up On Top one more time, I swear to god…)
Here are some books she’s really enjoying right now:
Gaston by Kelly DiPucchio and Christian Robinson - This is one of her favorites. The story is sweet and the illustrations are adorable. On a selfish note, I can’t get enough of making Iz say “ooh-la-la” and “Antoinette.”
Home by Carson Ellis - This book is gorgeous. (It’s also fascinating to see Iz start to understand that the world is a very big place. This book illustrates that really well.)
Once Upon a Northern Night by Jean Pendziwol and Isabelle Arsenault - I loved reading this in the middle of our never-ending dark, cold winter. The writing is lovely.
Little Elliot, Big City by Mike Curato - A sweet, short book that Iz is kind of obsessed with. I think that’s because it’s so easy to understand (Elliot likes cupcakes, Elliot is sad, Elliot has a friend).
A Fly Went By by Mike McClintock and Fritz Siebel - This frantic story is fun to read—it’s very lyrical and catchy.
Mr. Wuffles by David Wiesner - Iz loves any and all cat books, but this one is interesting because it doesn’t have many words. She’s starting to like telling the story herself. It’s fun.
Dream Animals by Emily Winfield Martin - I like saving a “calm down” book for her final pick if I can. She has several go-to-sleep, sweet dreams, lullaby-ish books to choose from, but this is one of the most magical.
This Moose Belongs to Me and The Incredible Book Eating Boy by Oliver Jeffers - All Jeffers’ books are so fun and whimsical, but these two are especially popular in our house right now.
If you have any toddler book suggestions, I’d love to hear them. Thanks!
Hi! I know you've posted some lists of baby must haves and things you found helpful for Iz's 1st year, and although I've tried lots of combos in the search box, I can't find them. I went through this three short years ago, and remember some of my new baby go to's I feel like I'm forgetting a lot, and want to be better prepared this time around if I can be. Thanks!
Hi friend!
I think you found the posts you were looking for, but I’ll list them here just in case:
Nursing-friendly outfit ideas
My (great) diaper bag and diaper bag alternatives
Diaper comparison spreadsheet
A few reviews of Honest stuff and more comprehensive reviews here
Some parenting/baby/pregnancy books I liked and disliked
Baby Product Hall of Fame: Part 1 (Gear), Part 2 (Diapering, Bathing, Toiletries), Part 3 (Eating and Sleeping), Part 4 (Play), Part 5 (Womp Womp)
you’re probably working on your new year’s resolutions right about now, yes? well, make a resolution to spend more time with your nose buried in a book, because you’re going to have a lot of reading to do. not only are there tons of books you’ll want to get your hands on this coming year, but lots of your favorite reads are getting movie adaptations in 2015, too. and, of course, it’s always fun to be that girl who goes to the theater having already read the title — and who can say with confidence, “yes, the book was much better.” [oh, that smug face looks so good on you.]
DIY Holiday Gift: The Original Magic Mushroom Powder
DIYers: I bet you glanced at my latest Holiday Gift Guide and shook your heads. Sure, there were lots of sleek gadgets and baubles available for purchase, but you want people to feel your love for them in the form of a homemade edible present. A gift you buy at the store just ain’t the same, right?
Well, guess what? I’ve got a quick and fun project that’ll appeal even to folks who are allergic to crafting: adorably labelled jars of my world-famous Magic Mushroom Powder! Every crazy-busy caveperson can channel his or her inner Paleo Martha Stewart with this spiced salt blend. It takes only five minutes to make, and we’ve already created awesome printable labels for you.
In other words, you have no excuse not to make this gift.
Plus, Magic Mushroom Powder is one of the most popular recipes in our soon-to-be-updated Webby-award winning iPad app and in our cookbook (which—by the way—was just named by Serious Eats, Powell’s, and America’s Test Kitchen as one of the best cookbooks of the year!). Magic Mushroom Powder’s a secret weapon I always keep stocked in my kitchen.
As The Oregonian wrote:
We’re always learning new things when we try out recipes in the Foodday Test Kitchen. But every once in a while we discover an ingredient or technique that makes us rethink everything we’ve been doing in the kitchen.
That just happened with Magic Mushroom Powder. It’s a spice blend with a psychedelic-sounding name, and while it has no hallucinogenic powers, it truly is magic, adding much-desired umami to everything it touches.
Magic Mushroom Powder can be used in place of salt in virtually any dish, adding an immediate flavor punch to everything from scrambled eggs and ground meat to roasted veggies and chicken wings. Even your vegan friends’ll dig it!
I’ve scaled up my original recipe so that you can offer 12 of your favorite people the gift of umami. (Of course, your secret’s safe with me if you prefer to just make a humongous jar for yourself.)
Ready to knock everyone’s holiday stockings off with some magic mushroom powder?
You guys, IT’S BACK. Introducing the 2014 Book Concierge, our guide to the year’s great reads.
NPR staff and critics selected some 250 standout titles. Now it’s up to you: Choose your own adventure! Use our tags to filter books and find the perfect read for yourself or someone you love.
The Sacred Project was created to provide an opportunity for mothers who have experienced the death of a baby during pregnancy or infancy to create something delicate & bold in honor of their child.
Filmmaker Pia Dorer, of It’s Not All Black & White, and Sweet Pea Project’s founder, artist/writer Stephanie Paige Cole, have teamed up to create a new project that will raise awareness and unite bereaved mothers from all across the world. Based on Stephanie’s poem “sacred” from the recently released poetry collection To Linger On Hot Coals, the Sacred Project aims to honor the bond shared by mother and child. The short film is a global artistic collaboration that will contain stunning visuals from our 498 contributors, sound clips in 18 languages, video in multiple languages, original music from musician/song-engineer Ian Aeillo, motion design from Ulrike Kerber of Viva Design, animation by Aaron Shiel and original art from both Carly Marie Dudley of Project Heal and Stephanie Paige Cole of Sweet Pea Project.
To watch the movie go to www.thesacredproject.com/
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