Watch out for Manipulation
There are going to be a lot of men who will be ruthless in getting what they want, who can and will play you like a fiddle. Some are professionals, while some donāt realize theyāre doing it; but either way, you will be the victim if you donāt stay on alert.
The Wikipedia article has a lot of good information about the tactics people will employ and what will be targeted.Ā
I had a sugar baby friend who unfortunately encountered a terribly manipulative POT recently. Iāve encountered my share of assholes too. Here are some examples of how they will try to control you:
Being hostile or petulant. They will use swears and curses, they will be threatening, they will sound angry and scary. They will set the tone of the conversation, making you keep up or try to adapt, leaving you to improvise and trying to make peace. You rather not have them be angry with you, so you spend a lot of energy to try to make them feel better, spend a lot of time not solving the issue at hand, exhausting yourself eventually. They want to make you surrender and meet their demands out of exasperation. Do not let them take control of the conversation.
Telling you how you feel or what you are doing. āYou are angry at me, arenāt you?ā āYou donāt like me.ā āI guess you wonāt be coming to see me again.ā Somehow they know you so well, that they can tell you what youāre feeling, they know youāre making excuses, or being irrational, and the such. The bias viewed point has been picked, and it is against you. These are accusations, and we often instinctively try to defend ourselves against accusations, we want to try to clear up misinformation; so we sound like we are defensive of doing something we never did, we take time to explain weāre not angry, weāre not trying to hurt him, we do want to see him again, etc. You can end up making promises to prove something to him, you can end up apologizing for something that is totally not your fault, but because you just apologized, you took responsibility. Never good.
Making himself self-sacrificing or noble, usually with you in contrast. āI keep my promises, even if you donāt.ā āI trusted you and gave you my real phone number, yet you lie to me by giving me Google Voice?ā Heās such a good person, and he has to put up with you. Once again, itās to make you feel bad, to make you become timid. He can do no wrong, and everything is your fault. He wants you to be āfairā and repay him, to be asĀ āself-sacrificingā as him, to see how nice of a person he is, so why donāt you do it as well? Itās BS, he has never been kind or fair, and you owe him nothing.
Rapid mood change. One moment heās nice, sweet, thoughtful, complimenting you; the next heās upset, devastated, mad. Obviously he was never being sincere in the first place, heās likely changing tactics when the first emotional tone didnāt get him what he wanted. He was trying to lower your guard, put your trust in him; and when your shields are down, he strikes to tear you down. It could be that he also realized he went to far, and is trying āniceā again to make you forgive him.
Giving an ultimatum, and forcing you to make a decision immediately. āIf you wonāt do next Saturday, we are through.ā āI have better things to do with my time, you know, so I can end this right now if you donāt do this.ā Heās a POT/SD because you see an opportunity to get money from him. Youāve invested quite a bit to get him to talk, to see you, to spoil you - and you donāt want to lose all that in a second, so you might listen to him so you can hang on, stay with this investment. He doesnāt care about your concerns or your plans, and heās just got you to agree to something you didnāt think through on.
Flattery. Heās trying to charm you into sleeping with him, or forgiving him for not bringing money. āYou are so kind and understanding, youāll let me go this time, wonāt you?ā āYou are so smart and mature! I need to meet you this weekend!ā Being praised or complimented can make us be more lenient or agreeable to his demands or suggestions. Donāt fall for it.
Woe is me, and you donāt care. āWhy canāt you understand my terrible situation?ā āIām so lonely, I feel so disappointed, why did you have to cancel?ā Likely, heās making a big deal out of nothing, he felt insulted by the smallest of things. He wants you to baby him and to comfort him. He is suffering, canāt you see? Coincidentally, it was you who made him suffer, or youāve just added to his sadness. Heās trying to guilt-trip you into doing what he wants. Leave him in his pit of sadness.
There are endless tactics they will use, and you really need to have a sensitive nose to smell out bullshit. You need to be aware of the situation and what direction itās going in, you need to be aware of your feelings so they canāt change it, you have to see, recognize, and understand what heās trying to do.
Some more links on emotional manipulation/abuse; plus derailing, because it can be relevant.
Stay alert, and stay safe.
origamiaround
yousharknotpass
theartofmadeline
turnnoffyourmind
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