Felix

[eatingrawglass]

Hi I’m Felix, he/they, in ed recovery rn. I’ve tried recovery a few times but never for long enough to actually make a recovery account. I’ve been doing good since June though so I thought I’d see if finding a community on here will help with the process. I really don’t know anyone irl in ed recovery, most of my friends who had eds consider themselves fully recovered. I’m still figuring stuff out, and I’m definitely not where I want to be.

Idk if I should put trigger warnings on here? But obviously I’m gonna talk about ed stuff, I’m still struggling through recovery so some of the stuff I talk about might be triggering.

If there’s anything important I should know about being part of this community please reach out and tell me, I want to make sure I’m not making anyone feel unsafe here.

That’s all. Thanks!

[eatingrawglass]

Had a very triggering dream last night, (description under the cut) and it didn’t really affect me in the morning but now it’s starting to get to me.

I was a boy who was severely anorexic and on the verge of death. There was some sort of book being written about me and I was receiving a lot of attention for my disorder. People were also really concerned about me, and I kept collapsing from hunger. I think I might have died in the dream? I don’t remember much of it, but there was this overwhelming feeling of security within the disorder, like even though I was dying it was the way it was supposed to be.

A lot of things in the dream really fucked me up. For starters, it transported me back to how I felt when my disorder was at its worst and it fully had control of me. But even when I was at my worst, I was never passing out, my family was never worried about me, I got almost no attention from it. Only my friends knew and were somewhat worried. But I wasn’t underweight for a majority of the time, and it never felt like my body was shutting down. The main way that my eating disorder tries to convince me to relapse is by invalidating how sick I was at the time and telling me that I’ll only deserve recovery if I go and get properly sick, and then I can get better. Of course I know that there would never be a “sick enough” and it would just make me keep going until I die. But it’s still just so tempting to relax back into the disorder and let it take over my life again, until I only have one thing to worry about.

[eatingrawglass]

Coming up on a year in recovery. WOW.

[eatingrawglass]

I’ve been hearing a lot about the fitness app Strava recently and I’m feeling conflicted as to whether or not I should get on it. It seems like a fun and supportive community, but I’m also worried that I’ll fall into the trap of comparing myself and only exercising for other people’s approval. Actually, when I put it that way, it seems like the risks far outweigh the potential benefits.

[eatingrawglass]

I am SO SICK of seeing people on the internet bashing intuitive eating and saying shit like “if I ate what my body wanted I’d be so fat” “if I listened to my body I’d eat 4000 calories a day” “if I let myself eat whatever I wanted I’d eat an entire chocolate cake in one sitting”

Ok go do it. Go eat 4000 calories. Go eat an entire chocolate cake in one sitting. How does your body feel after that? If it feels like shit then you didn’t listen to your body, you listened to your brain and ignored your hunger cues which is not intuitive eating. If it feels good then you’ve probably been restricting your food intake for so long that your body is desperate for it. Or your body might simply need that much food, which is okay.

Also those comments way oversimplify intuitive eating. It isn’t about eating whatever your brain wants, it’s about listening to your body and trusting what it says. And usually, your body will tell you to eat nutritious foods when you are hungry, and to stop when you are full. And sometimes it will tell you to eat chocolate cake, because that will not kill you.

I know intuitive eating is not for everyone, but I’m so tired of people misunderstanding and simplifying it. Even my description of intuitive eating was a simplification of a more complex and flexible eating plan. But I think that we all need to stop seeing our bodies as these evil forces that will compel us to get fat and unhealthy. In most cases, our bodies are wise and self-regulating, and I think that’s pretty miraculous.

[eatingrawglass]

Ok so being home is definitely hurting my recovery. Idk why, there’s just something about it that makes me want to relapse. Seeing all those people again, going back to being a kid in my parent’s house…restricting just feels like the natural thing to do. I don’t know if I’ve struggled this much since starting my recovery almost a year ago. I started counting calories again today and I feel so bad, I went so long without doing that. And right now I’m so hungry and miserable but I can’t get myself to eat anything an none of my usual strategies are working :(

[notgreatbob]

''i wasted those years'' who cares. you lived the only life you could've lived in those moments

[callmezeemonic]

You did the best you could with all you had and knew. That was then. Here is now

[castaras]

prev tags correct

[marbelo-and-mapel]

Fuck “get your beach body ready for summer!” This summer we are RECOVERING!!! We are going out to get ICE CREAM and FRIES and MILKSHAKES and WE are gonna feel GOOD

[eatingrawglass]

The feeling when you’re trying to enjoy your dessert but your mom is hashing out her marital issues at the table

[eatingrawglass]

Sometimes I forget what a genuine addiction an eating disorder is. It sounds silly but the thought of counting calories is so appealing right now, it would just feel like such a relief. But I know it would only lead to more anxiety.

[eatingrawglass]

I signed up for two races this summer! They’re both 5ks, one of them is on June 20th and the other is on the 4th of July. I’m running the first one with my uncle who is a really good runner so I’m a bit scared lol. But I’m proud of myself for signing up for these events cuz I haven’t done any actual races in years. Just another reason to stay in recovery so I can actually run and not die :)

[eatingrawglass]

Im back home now which always makes me feel weird. On the one hand I have a lot more time to relax, and consistent access to good food. On the other, I spent so many years in this house struggling with an eating disorder that it feels like it’s creeping up on me through muscle memory. In college it’s easier because I’ve only ever been in recovery there. I have better habits and being in recovery is part of my identity and something a lot of people know about me. Here, I keep feeling like I’m the same person I was a year ago, which is scary.

[eatingrawglass]

Just survived a terrible airport experience. Had nothing to do with ed it was just unpleasant generally and now i am so hungry. Will update later when i have brain capacity again

[eatingrawglass]

Ok so i was moving out of my college dorm for the first time which was so stressful and overwhelming and i had so much luggage with me and then i realized that i had left some luggage at my aunt’s house so she had to go drive to the airport to give it to me, and i was already running late to my flight. Then i went to check my bags and realized i couldnt find my drivers license which i needed to do that and also get on the plane. I started looking through my luggage which was not easy cuz everything was packed so tightly and at a certain point i was just on the ground in the airport with my clothes strewn all around me and i just couldnt find my license. I also had no one to call, i was totally alone and i didnt want to bother my aunt after she already drove to the airport to drop off the bag. Eventually a worker there saw me sitting on the ground crying and asked me what was up and i explained and genuinely bless her heart she was like “im gonna get you on that plane.” Like i had given up all hope at that point but this lady was like no we’re gonna do this. She somehow got me through the line early and had me fill out this form to substitute for my id and then got me through security. I didnt even have a chance to properly thank her cuz i had to run to my gate and i made it on the plane right as my group was boarding.

Anyways my flight was at 7am so i woke up at 5 and figured i would get food at the airport but of course all that happened so i didnt have time to so all i had was the airplane snacks for a 6 hour flight. And then the luggage took like an hour to arrive so then i got even more hungry. But its all good now my mom picked me up and we went and got chinese food and it was so good.

[marbelo-and-mapel]

Fuck diet culture

Fuck “0 calorie stores”

Fuck deadly skinny being seen as healthy

Fuck people saying you should only eat 1000c

Fuck doctors who always suggest weight loss

[recovering-spring]

Adding to this:

Fuck people who greet you with comments about you gaining/losing weight.

Fuck adults who make kids feel insecure about their bodies.

Fuck anything with sugar in it being labelled as ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’.

Fuck earning food, or having to ‘make up’ for eating something.

Fuck ‘you don’t want to get fat’.

Fuck the next new ‘perfect diet’.

Fuck low-fat, no-fat, low-cal EVERYTHING in the grocery store, like it’s normal.

Fuck your weight being equal to your worth or morality.

Fuck punishing yourself for doing something you need to survive.

Fuck the system that capitalises on the insecurities they’ve carefully sewn into our society.

Fuck diet culture.

[eatingrawglass]

Just survived a terrible airport experience. Had nothing to do with ed it was just unpleasant generally and now i am so hungry. Will update later when i have brain capacity again

[spiralingbunniee-deactivated202]

Since my post about recovering despite being underweight seemed to relate to people, here’s some other little reminders!!

-you don’t need to be hospitalised to recover

-you can be overweight and still deserve recovery

-if you never restricted “that much” uou deserve recovery

-if you had little to no physical side effects, you deserve recovery

-if you didn’t loose your period, you deserve recovery

-if you still ate everyday, you deserve recovery

-if your calorie limit was never “that low”, you deserve recovery

-if people around you never noticed, you deserve recovery

-if you still ate “bad foods”, you deserve recovery

There is no point waiting to reach a target your eating disorder has given you to recover. It will only move the targets further and further. You will never feel sick enough. You will either spend a life in misery with an eating disorder or die. Recovery is the only way out, you’re only going to make it harder for yourself. Staying stuck in your disorder will not make you “sick enough”, it jsut makes you miss out on life.

-someone who never felt sick enough

[ingestiblechaos]

recovery means fighting off relapses no-one else sees