I debated for a long time on whether I wanted to share this, but I know this is part of my healing process. This post will probably be one of the hardest blogs that I will ever share. So, I will go ahead and preface this with a TRIGGER WARNING! This topic is not to be taken lightly and might be hard for a few to read.
I have always tried to be a positive person in my everyday life and be a ray of sunshine for other people. From an early age, I noticed that I seemed to take on people’s feelings and understand their perspective. People have come to me for motivation, a shoulder to cry on, or even advice. But I always kept my true issues close to the chest knowing no one wanted to help. Taking on other people’s problems started eating at my emotional stability because it felt like they were transferring their feelings to me. I was then walking around with my feelings and everyone else’s feelings as well with no outlet. My first suicidal thought came to me in junior year of high school. I had been called out of my name by a guy that I liked, sports were getting overwhelming, the pressure to get into college, and still help everyone with their problems. I knew I didn’t want to die but there was a pain I wanted to get rid of. So, I cut my arm for the first time to get rid of pain on the inside. I went through the rest of high school occasionally doing that to release what I needed. Sometimes the pain became an enjoyment. Head to college and my emotions were even worse there. I ended up having a mental breakdown in my sophomore year of college because I was trying to help everyone else but myself. My therapist said that most likely that I was an empath and took on people’s emotions to the point of anxiety, panic attacks, and tantrums. I got better with help with minor slip-ups of cutting. I made a pact with a friend that if felt like cutting or worse to call them and we would talk it out no matter what. My life was going great and on the track that I wanted it. Till it drastically blew up with this medical condition. It at first was no big deal but it slowly took all my independence away. But I stood strong without cutting until I lost everything else in my life as well. I felt so alone and felt like I had hit the level right before rock bottom. My suicidal thoughts came back ten-fold and it wasn’t just slitting my wrists. My thoughts went from overdosing, getting hit by a car, driving into a tree, causing a car accident, carbon monoxide poisoning, etc. I wanted to end my life because what was the point of living when my life had crashed and burned. Then I tried to reach out to that friend I made that pact with and they just blew it off like it was nothing. I am not supposed to be driving, but after they blew me off, I got in my car and drove around plotting where I wanted to end it. I didn’t care anymore because I was tired of being there for everyone, but I was alone in my time of need. I couldn’t find a spot that wasn’t extremely busy, so I went home and was going to do it the traditional way of slitting my wrists in the tub. But my brother talked me out of that thankfully even though I was still in a dark place. Then days after my birthday I went in that darkest place again and cut my wrists good to release the pain. I have even thought my family and a few friends would be better off without me. But I had concluded that I have too much to get done on this earth before I depart. I also couldn’t do that to my family and leave them behind thinking they did something wrong. It has been a long process and I am not done with it by a long-shot. Some days are harder than others, but I take this one day at a time. I have grown so much in this complete tear-down and I know that my comeback is going to be amazing. God has a plan for me. I hope this blog can help start a conversation for someone who may be going through this and for people to check on their friends and family that always seem happy. Smiles often hid the most pain. Thank you for reading my blog.
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