screaming into the void

they/them, 18+, TW: depression These are my thoughts, emotions, and personal experiences.

[echoes-and-implications]

Spoot.

I loved this show.

[echoes-and-implications]

It's been 16 years, and I miss my mom so much every day. Some days it feels like forever, and some days it feels like yesterday.

As much as I wish she were still here, that I could just talk to her one more time, I am so very thankful for the life and time I had with her.

If you knew my mom, you know she loved her family fiercely, she trusted God with the pure faith of a child, she was amazingly creative, excellent at making up or remembering recipes on the spot, so very generous and compassionate, definitely a talker who never knew a stranger, funniest when she wasn't even trying, and perhaps most obvious of all... she had a heart for children. I don't know that I would ever be able to count all the children she cared for and showed the love of Christ. The number of her hugs given seems infinite.

I miss her. So very much. But I thank God for her, for the example that she was, for the legacy she left. When I watch my sister somehow end up surrounded by a crowd of children anywhere she goes, I see mom in that. When I'm piecing together odds and ends and adding random seasonings to make dinner, and it comes out pretty okay, I remember mom. When Amy and I spend evenings working on crafty, artsy things together, it feels like we're working on projects that mom would have loved.

Sometimes the old grief breaks through, and the tears come. But most days, even the hard ones, her love, her faith, and these gifts that she gave us are what shine through, what keeps us together and helps us stay strong.

I love you, mom. I will see you again someday. 💙

[echoes-and-implications]

I'm meeting with a surgeon tomorrow to discuss a procedure that:

1. Is not urgent, is technically considered cosmetic, but in my case will not only improve quality of life, but will correct a situation that has compounded other health issues immensely over the past few years.

2. Being as it is usually considered a cosmetic procedure, and that I have never met this person, I am terrified that he is going to jump to incorrect conclusions before we even meet.

3. I am not a vain person. My only reason for even considering this is because another specialist recommended based on the fact that this root issue has been present for nearly a decade.

4. It's typically cosmetic, I know from the jump my insurance probably won't cover it. What's the point of wasting the time.

5. If insurance does pay, I don't have any time off at work, because I have had to use it for all my health stuff. I am part time, barely scraping by, but I make too much to qualify for any kind of assistance. So no matter what, there's no way I can afford to do this.

6. I literally cannot afford to do this. I'm already in collections with the hospital.

Why am I even doing this. I'm scared. But I also know this will make actually staying alive that much easier. I don't know what to do. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

[echoes-and-implications]

I'm just so tired

of waiting. hoping. drowning.

I gasp. reach. nothing.