How Many?

[echoesagain]

The Ministry of Social Affairs

Near where the money-changers sit,

By their locked glass cabinets

[echoesagain]

Cringe

Jesus, my page is so cringey

Won't stop me writing on it but yeah.

I regret nothing

[echoesagain]

E: Well, shall we go?

V: Yes, let's go.

[They do not move.]

-Waiting For Godot, Samuel Beckett

[echoesagain]

You ever post something then just look at it like "why did I post that?" Yeah, that feeling. I didn't just get that, I just wanted to point out that I sometimes get that feeling. Not for this post, seriously, read/ watch this play if you can, at the least you'll be forced to understand what you just watched and come to your own conclusions on a play that no one actually understands yet perform anyway.

[echoesagain]

E: Well, shall we go?

V: Yes, let's go.

[They do not move.]

-Waiting For Godot, Samuel Beckett

[planetahmane]

Reblog this and I’ll grant you one wish.

[echoesagain]

I wish it wasn't like this

[echoesagain]

#13

Today I tried to walk through my room in the dark. There was mess everywhere: a discarded scarf, so many books, pens, an old tea-stained mug and so many goddamn books. I thought I was used to the mess so I turned off my light and tried to walk to my desk. I trod on every single thing in my room. I wasn't trying to, obviously. I was aiming to see if my visual memory is good enough. Apparently not. I hate The Dark.

Number 13 folks! Unlucky, people fear it for whatever reason. It's an irrational fear I guess. Then again, all fears are irrational, when you think about it. People fear The Dark because they can't see what it hides, there could be anything there and you'd have no way of knowing. As I see it, that's what's scary. The not-knowing, the endless potential of what might or might not be there. It's why people turn to religion (stop me if I've said all this before), to find sense, to remove the unknowing of what happens when you die, to remove the sense of not knowing why you're here. To reassure yourself that there's nothing in The Dark requires faith in the idea that things won't change the moment you turn off the light. That might be why I fear it so much. I can't have faith in such an abstract idea despite my nineteen years of experience that say there is nothing in The Dark, I can close my eyes and open them and there won't be anyone else there. And it all stems from that fear of the unknown that we all so despise, however it may manifest in ourselves. A desire for order, for example, is just a fear of chaos which in itself is the potential for something unknown to happen. Chaos in of itself is just unknown things happening for an unknown reason. Again, that fear of the unknown that I see in The Dark which can be found in chaos. Makes me wonder why old people don't fear death that much. Or, at least, they don't appear to. Maybe they're bored or done all they want in this world and would relish a change. The unknown is what gives them a buzz. Do those people fear The Dark? Is that the same thing? I hate The Dark because I don't know what's in there but those who welcome death, if they even truly do, do they welcome that idea? I don't know what will happen and I like that. Will I think that one day and be able to turn off the lights and embrace the unknown? I don't know. But that doesn't scare me. I think it's because I will know one day, that is 100% certain. But I will never know what's in The Dark because of it's very definition. That makes all the difference. Time moves forwards, that's a certainty and will take me with it. I will know one day if I can embrace the idea that the only hope for me lies in the unknown. The answer doesn't matter, just the idea of having the answer is what reassures me. Maybe then I'll no longer fear The Dark. I hate The Dark.

Nice and philosophically morbid for 13.

[echoesagain]

Fairly sure I am ace. You can take this as my coming out. I am officially biromantic and asexual.

[echoesagain]

So long and thanks for the fish!

Contrary to the title, I am not leaving or quitting Tumblr. I am just deciding to post this because I like the idea that at least one other person has been slightly altered by my actions. Yes, I might be a control freak or have a God Complex but I don't care. So have fun!

[echoesagain]

#12

Sample day in the life (at uni (can vary))

8:00- Wake 8:00:05- Turn off first alarm (Somedays by Regina Spektor) 8:15- Wake again 8:15:05- Turn off second alarm (Surfer King by A. A. Bondy) and actually get up 8:15:15- Groan and get dressed, start morning routine 8:56- Finish morning routine, reflect that I have 4 minutes, could've slept longer. 8:56:05- Wander around my room aimlessly, winking at my reflection, check if pears in window are ripe yet (definitely not), pack my pockets with more shit that I don't actually need. 9:04- Get on bus, put on depressing music so I can feel like I'm in a dystopian nightmare and justify my thoughts of strangling the person in front of me on the bus as I wonder if someone has vomited on my seat. 9:24- Arrive at uni, realise I have twenty minutes before my first lecture so go sit in a private study room, yawning, wishing I ate more breakfast and browse random shit on study computers. 9:25- See printer still isn't working, smile to myself that I'm not the only incompetent/ procrastinator in the uni. 9:25:30- Check my watch 9:25:32- Realise I still have no idea what time it is 9:25:33- Look at my watch and realise I knew all along what time it was but it turns out my subconscious hates me. 9:25:33.50- Internally rant at my subconscious self and berate my conscious self for ever listening, some how end up blaming all my failures on my subconscious. How self-respectful of myself. 9:34- Finish my rant and realise that I've been biting my nails again. Fuck, that'll hurt when it grows out again. Time to spin in my chair again. 9:35- Get bored, check pockets for more useless shit. 9:36- Dismantle my pen for the fiftieth time and decide to go to my lecture. 13:51- Get out of my last lecture seriously wondering what the actual fuck I just sat through and how the hell I'm going to pass my exams. 13:52- Talk about usual shit to people as we walk in a literal horde to a bus back home. 13:55- The bus is full. Fuck, I'll get the next one. They're never regular, urgh I'll have to socialise again. 13:56- Another bus, this one I get on. Thank god they're not regular or I'd have had to wait fifteen minutes. Talk about more shit with my "friends". 13:56:15- Run out of shit to talk to, browse Reddit and Tumblr. 13:56:50- I'm hungry. Awkward silence isn't helping. 14:00- Not home, still on bus. Realise that I could just get off here and go to the pub and not leave for about eight hours. 14:15- Arrive back home, promptly go get a sausage roll, reflect on consumerism and how I'll probably get fat or have a heart attack if I eat another one of these. 14:15:30- Shrug and finish the sausage roll. Hard to hate yourself with a sausage roll. 14:20- Get home. 16:34- Stop watching Netflix and start doing uni work. 17:15- Think I should probably make food. Ehhh, later, back to Netflix. 18:00- Ok, hungry now, food. 18:42- I fucking hate washing up. People don't know how to clean a draining board. 18:59- Drink some water. 19:00- Read some more books. Literature is very important to me, even if it's shitty teen stuff. 20:00- Realise I'm lonely, go and socialise in the kitchen. 20:00:30- There's no one in the kitchen and I'm just sipping tea and staring out the window. Who needs friends? 20:01- I really should talk to someone. 20:06- Hang out with my friend in his room, talking about shit and online shopping for stuff I'll never buy and assure him he won't run out of money. 21:20- Leave his room with an excuse, go to shop to buy snacks. 22:47- Think I should probably sleep. Check my timetable, set alarms for next day and close my blinds. 22:48- Fall into bed with my laptop. 2:25- Contemplate sleep again, this time my body wants it. 2:26- Curse myself, my self conscious and everyone who I've interacted with that day. 2:28- Finish regretting my life and all my choices. 2:30- Sleep.

I'll admit I glossed over some things and included some things that might have been unnecessary. I think I included a fair share of each and hope that it proves interesting. Hmmm, number 13 next. Not very lucky, I guess we'll find out. It's been over a year since I started this and I'm only on 12. I think that means it'll take about 20 years to reach number 231. Buckle up!

[echoesagain]

“We are out there”

-Carys Last

[echoesagain]

Is it just me or is “k” the most elegant letter?

[echoesagain]

Wishes aren’t a miracle, they just help you along a bit

[echoesagain]

What should one do when one is drowning in the sky? Hopefully, their friends will come to the rescue. Hopefully.

[echoesagain]

#11

I know right, so soon after the other? Don't worry, no more ranting this time, no one wants to hear about that, myself included. Today's bullshit intro- future me! I realised that what if I meet my future self due to time travel or cloning or something like that? I need a way to make sure that it's truly me and not an impostor or myself being forced to harm me or whatever so I came up with some code words. 3 of them, in fact, to describe the 3 different scenarios that I might find myself and having to convey the situation to my past self in such a way that I can guarantee that it's genuinely me. For these to work, however, I can't name them here but I know that I'll never forget them. And I know if anyone ever says one of them to me then I truly am in trouble since future me got into a lot of trouble if he couldn't come himself. I know it's bold of me to assume I'll ever get caught up in something like this but it never hurts to be prepared and hence my life's motto- "You never know."

I recently wrote off party alcohol. I realised that it's basically poison and, I know, I'm only 19 but I've ruined too much of my life and I can see that there's only one way it's going to end. I'm still allowing myself to drink one or two with a meal or maybe a glass of champagne at celebrations but no more going over the top, it's too much and it's getting me in trouble. For example, one of my friends has been acting incredibly awkwardly and tense around me since something happened between us the last time I got properly drunk. All I remember is him leaning in for a kiss and then nothing until I got home- 3 hours later. Since I can't even begin to ask him what happened, I'm guessing that I either had an alcohol-fuelled profession of love, angst or pushed him away afterwards. Funnily enough, I don't feel any love towards him, I'm half convinced I make up my angst most of the time and I seriously doubt that drunk me would ever give up the chance to make out with anyone so it's anyone's guess what happened that night. Anyway, you see my point, right? Alcohol has ruined a friendship and I believe it will continue to ruin my life so I can't keep doing that. Plus, I fear I'll end up doing something REALLY bad to myself if I get properly drunk so yeah, that's all fun. I got some funny looks from my friends with my glass of lemonade the other night but I wrote it off with "I don't feel like drinking tonight". I'll have to explain eventually but, since drinking is the norm, I'll need a fucking good reason to explain my soberness in the future. The more I talk about my friends, the more I realise that I don't like most of them. I say that, most of them are amazing and much more kind than I deserve and I am very lucky to have them really. Then again, I know some real dickheads and I should probably write them out of my life. I just can't be fucking arsed with them right now.

Not much to add today, feeling better (or just in a different head space right now, who knows) so that's something. Anyway, see you at the next one

[echoesagain]

#10

Isn't it funny how sometimes you can be so happy that even the saddest of songs can't bring you down? Well today I found the inverse. I listened to all the happiest songs I could find, the ones that would have me up and dancing, singing at the very top of my lungs. Instead, I found myself ready to weep and/or go back to sleep so I wouldn't have to get up again. The worst part is that nothing caused this to happen. I was just existing then all of a sudden the blackest of depressions, the deepest of all sadnesses, the emptiness of all voids struck me and held me until I was forced to mentally scream until I had nothing else, until I couldn't breath and I was playing song after song, trying my best to not stop functioning. Nothing helped, I was struck dumb and couldn't do anything except wallow in so much self loathing and depression. Anyway, enough waxing lyrically about my emotions, onto some other bullshit.

I fucking hate my emotions. They control me much more than I control them and I hate it. I suppose no one likes not being in control because they don't know what's going to happen next- fear of the unknown. I've been thinking about it a while, we all hate the unknown, it's where most (if not all of) our fears stem from. We always want to know what's going to happen next and then, logically, how to control it to benefit us the most. The first part is the most interesting to me. For example, we all fear death because we don't know what happens next, all we know is that it's an end to our current life, the known part ends and becomes unknown, hence we fear it. That's how all religions work, they come up with a world after death, thereby eliminating the unknown and thus calming people. People are so desperate to not have an unknown fate, they'll believe in all manner of different things. I know that this seems intolerant (and it is) but it's not towards any particular religion- it's towards them all. This is also why we're drawn to patterns over chaos and the brain searches for patterns in everything, it's to know that we can predict some things and it's not just unknown, we can solve it, sort it out and know what comes next. It's literally second nature, entire professions are dedicated to making the unknown into the known. My biggest fear is the dark which is a perfect example because the dark obscures everything, the known things hide in the dark and become unknown. It terrifies me and perhaps this entire theory is bullshit and it only applies to me (god, I would love that so much, just another thing that makes me different and to boast about) or maybe it's so obvious that it's barely worth mentioning.

Not sure how long I can continue doing any of this, I become so cynical and angry when I write these and I'm only on fucking number ten and I'm even further from happiness than when I started. That only leaves one ending and I fear that it might come sooner than expected. And I'm not physically ill or have any other reason to fear an exterior death. Fuck

[echoesagain]

I’ve often said spite and belligerence are my biggest motivators. I think they’re the only things keeping me going any more.

[echoesagain]

“I’m not here,

This isn’t happening.”

-How to Disappear Completely, Radiohead