#andhowtoliveit

[echoesagain]

Fairly sure I am ace. You can take this as my coming out. I am officially biromantic and asexual.

[echoesagain]

The Ministry of Social Affairs

Near where the money-changers sit,

By their locked glass cabinets

[echoesagain]

So long and thanks for the fish!

Contrary to the title, I am not leaving or quitting Tumblr. I am just deciding to post this because I like the idea that at least one other person has been slightly altered by my actions. Yes, I might be a control freak or have a God Complex but I don't care. So have fun!

[echoesagain]

#12

Sample day in the life (at uni (can vary))

8:00- Wake 8:00:05- Turn off first alarm (Somedays by Regina Spektor) 8:15- Wake again 8:15:05- Turn off second alarm (Surfer King by A. A. Bondy) and actually get up 8:15:15- Groan and get dressed, start morning routine 8:56- Finish morning routine, reflect that I have 4 minutes, could've slept longer. 8:56:05- Wander around my room aimlessly, winking at my reflection, check if pears in window are ripe yet (definitely not), pack my pockets with more shit that I don't actually need. 9:04- Get on bus, put on depressing music so I can feel like I'm in a dystopian nightmare and justify my thoughts of strangling the person in front of me on the bus as I wonder if someone has vomited on my seat. 9:24- Arrive at uni, realise I have twenty minutes before my first lecture so go sit in a private study room, yawning, wishing I ate more breakfast and browse random shit on study computers. 9:25- See printer still isn't working, smile to myself that I'm not the only incompetent/ procrastinator in the uni. 9:25:30- Check my watch 9:25:32- Realise I still have no idea what time it is 9:25:33- Look at my watch and realise I knew all along what time it was but it turns out my subconscious hates me. 9:25:33.50- Internally rant at my subconscious self and berate my conscious self for ever listening, some how end up blaming all my failures on my subconscious. How self-respectful of myself. 9:34- Finish my rant and realise that I've been biting my nails again. Fuck, that'll hurt when it grows out again. Time to spin in my chair again. 9:35- Get bored, check pockets for more useless shit. 9:36- Dismantle my pen for the fiftieth time and decide to go to my lecture. 13:51- Get out of my last lecture seriously wondering what the actual fuck I just sat through and how the hell I'm going to pass my exams. 13:52- Talk about usual shit to people as we walk in a literal horde to a bus back home. 13:55- The bus is full. Fuck, I'll get the next one. They're never regular, urgh I'll have to socialise again. 13:56- Another bus, this one I get on. Thank god they're not regular or I'd have had to wait fifteen minutes. Talk about more shit with my "friends". 13:56:15- Run out of shit to talk to, browse Reddit and Tumblr. 13:56:50- I'm hungry. Awkward silence isn't helping. 14:00- Not home, still on bus. Realise that I could just get off here and go to the pub and not leave for about eight hours. 14:15- Arrive back home, promptly go get a sausage roll, reflect on consumerism and how I'll probably get fat or have a heart attack if I eat another one of these. 14:15:30- Shrug and finish the sausage roll. Hard to hate yourself with a sausage roll. 14:20- Get home. 16:34- Stop watching Netflix and start doing uni work. 17:15- Think I should probably make food. Ehhh, later, back to Netflix. 18:00- Ok, hungry now, food. 18:42- I fucking hate washing up. People don't know how to clean a draining board. 18:59- Drink some water. 19:00- Read some more books. Literature is very important to me, even if it's shitty teen stuff. 20:00- Realise I'm lonely, go and socialise in the kitchen. 20:00:30- There's no one in the kitchen and I'm just sipping tea and staring out the window. Who needs friends? 20:01- I really should talk to someone. 20:06- Hang out with my friend in his room, talking about shit and online shopping for stuff I'll never buy and assure him he won't run out of money. 21:20- Leave his room with an excuse, go to shop to buy snacks. 22:47- Think I should probably sleep. Check my timetable, set alarms for next day and close my blinds. 22:48- Fall into bed with my laptop. 2:25- Contemplate sleep again, this time my body wants it. 2:26- Curse myself, my self conscious and everyone who I've interacted with that day. 2:28- Finish regretting my life and all my choices. 2:30- Sleep.

I'll admit I glossed over some things and included some things that might have been unnecessary. I think I included a fair share of each and hope that it proves interesting. Hmmm, number 13 next. Not very lucky, I guess we'll find out. It's been over a year since I started this and I'm only on 12. I think that means it'll take about 20 years to reach number 231. Buckle up!

[echoesagain]

#10

Isn't it funny how sometimes you can be so happy that even the saddest of songs can't bring you down? Well today I found the inverse. I listened to all the happiest songs I could find, the ones that would have me up and dancing, singing at the very top of my lungs. Instead, I found myself ready to weep and/or go back to sleep so I wouldn't have to get up again. The worst part is that nothing caused this to happen. I was just existing then all of a sudden the blackest of depressions, the deepest of all sadnesses, the emptiness of all voids struck me and held me until I was forced to mentally scream until I had nothing else, until I couldn't breath and I was playing song after song, trying my best to not stop functioning. Nothing helped, I was struck dumb and couldn't do anything except wallow in so much self loathing and depression. Anyway, enough waxing lyrically about my emotions, onto some other bullshit.

I fucking hate my emotions. They control me much more than I control them and I hate it. I suppose no one likes not being in control because they don't know what's going to happen next- fear of the unknown. I've been thinking about it a while, we all hate the unknown, it's where most (if not all of) our fears stem from. We always want to know what's going to happen next and then, logically, how to control it to benefit us the most. The first part is the most interesting to me. For example, we all fear death because we don't know what happens next, all we know is that it's an end to our current life, the known part ends and becomes unknown, hence we fear it. That's how all religions work, they come up with a world after death, thereby eliminating the unknown and thus calming people. People are so desperate to not have an unknown fate, they'll believe in all manner of different things. I know that this seems intolerant (and it is) but it's not towards any particular religion- it's towards them all. This is also why we're drawn to patterns over chaos and the brain searches for patterns in everything, it's to know that we can predict some things and it's not just unknown, we can solve it, sort it out and know what comes next. It's literally second nature, entire professions are dedicated to making the unknown into the known. My biggest fear is the dark which is a perfect example because the dark obscures everything, the known things hide in the dark and become unknown. It terrifies me and perhaps this entire theory is bullshit and it only applies to me (god, I would love that so much, just another thing that makes me different and to boast about) or maybe it's so obvious that it's barely worth mentioning.

Not sure how long I can continue doing any of this, I become so cynical and angry when I write these and I'm only on fucking number ten and I'm even further from happiness than when I started. That only leaves one ending and I fear that it might come sooner than expected. And I'm not physically ill or have any other reason to fear an exterior death. Fuck

[echoesagain]

#9

I forgot how to solve a Rubik's cube today. I used to know, about 6 months ago, I was solving mine around once every couple of days for around a month just to prove I could then stopped. I spent an hour today nearly tearing my hair out over that bloody cube. It's currently exactly where I left it 6 hours ago- slammed onto my desk, still un-fucking- solved and taunting me with its' multicoloured, ugly faces.

So my exam results get posted tomorrow. I also get to go on holiday tomorrow (south of France, here I come!) but I can't help but just not want to interact with either. Life would be so much easier without the surprises and troubles of both things; I just kind of want to curl up under a blanket with a good book, some song I'm not even listening to playing and enough junk food to kill an American. I think I'm just exhausted, spent by it all. My brother calls it "smart-person burnout" but I think that's giving me too much credit. I'm mediocre at most things but I like to talk shit about things I don't fully understand. Pretentious, right? Currently, I'm partying harder than I ever did at uni and making memories that cause me to cringe so much. I can't even remember what I did at half of the parties I've been to and all the rest I've fucked up friendships at. My problem is alcohol controls me, not the other way around. One drink and its' claws are in me, dragging me down. 3 hours and countless drinks later, I'm probably rambling about some physics theory, trying to sing along to a song I don't even know or making out with one of my friends. I feel like everything about me is up in the air, in freefall, just waiting to fall back to earth, to get that reality shock I so definitely need to snap me out of this stupor I'm in. The stupor where I try to escape the rapidly rising waves of reality and the knowledge that I'm nothing, the depression that will nearly kill me, believe me. There are times where I am so jubilantly happy for no reason alternated with times of the blackest depressions and the scales are tipping in favour of the latter. I'm not going to try and self harm or anything stupid like that. I just don't know what to do and I can't help but think awful things.

Probably the darkest undertones yet. I hate myself for this blog but I have to post it, to know what I have grown from, what I will surely, hopefully, rise above. Ciao

[echoesagain]

#7

Here we go again! I’m finding myself bouncing between here and Reddit more and more these days. I can tell because I now know more about ASOUE and ATWQ than I ever thought possible. And I know even more about ASOUE theories than either of those (thanks SnicketSleuth). But damn, Handler knew what he was doing when he wrote those, the massive plot is insane. I might have to go re-read the unauthorised biography again for the umpteenth time…

Anyway, back to my life, because we all like to hear about an extremely self-centred, cynical 18 year old who has a compulsion to change the world. Be it through good or bad means, I don’t particularly care, I just want to make an impact and for it to be felt. I want to be somebody, somebody who is known. Self-centred, I know, I already said that. The problem is, it’s difficult to do. I could write the most amazing book ever, paint the greatest portrait or say the most amazing speech but still no one would know who I am because half of everything is being in the right place at the right time. That’s the key to success, knowing exactly where you fit in and when you should go for it. Opportunity knocks and you have to be there when it does. Or create another one, whichever’s easier. Anyway, that’s all the incredible, ground-breaking wisdom for today, now it’s time for the angst. Today’s topic- sexuality (or lack of). Basically, I had my first sexual encounter the other day and now I really don’t want anything like that to ever happen again. It’s possible that the fact I wasn’t attracted to him may have skewed my opinion but still, I really don’t want to do it again. Maybe I’m not attracted to guys after all, maybe I’m ace, maybe I haven’t found the right person yet or maybe I’m anhedonic. Who knows and who cares? Well me, obviously but I doubt anyone else does so I’ll end the angst there and move onto finishing thoughts.

So that was number 7, written while listening to a depressing playlist, featuring Motion Picture Soundtrack, O Children and The Beauty Regime. Some very depressing songs and one with a slightly uplifting ending. Still, I’m not stopping this blog anytime soon. I’ll either end it at #231, when I die or when I finally find happiness. Whichever happens first, I have no idea. Adios!

[echoesagain]

#5

The universe must end, right? I think it's a given, proven by the big bang. Now, I'm not interested in what it's expanding into, more the nature of the boundary. Is it elastic? Or more like a bubble, there is no boundary, just matter and non-matter? Regardless, shouldn't light escape from the universe? If not, it should either reflect or be absorbed? I'll admit, I don't know a lot about this so I might be missing something but it still makes an interesting thought experiment.

I honestly think that I, like the vast majority of humans, thrive on change. When I'm single, I desire someone to trust, someone I can rely on, someone who knows me like I know me. However, when I'm with someone, even just flirting or "talking" (I guess with intent of more), I wish for things to be simple without complex, messy emotions. Is it that I yearn for change? Or simply haven't found the right person, that someone who knows me? Or is it possible I want the impossible and should accept that I might be on the ace spectrum and just want a really good friend? In truth, no one knows.

Wow, it's been a while and was just a short entry today. Still a lot of entries to go and at this rate, I won't even break 100 before society collapses and this will become inaccessible for reasons obvious to even the most stupid sloth that may come across this. Anyway, until next time.