What if
It’s been what? 2 years.
2 years passed and I experienced every high and low a man can experience. Winning and Losing. Doing good then screwing up. Being on top to the bottom. Being alone to being loved.
Well, I don’t know though. I go to extremes, from extremely happy to extremely depressed (not literally depressed, metaphorically, I guess. You get it. I hope). Extremes, I say extremes. Sometimes, you just have “those” times and the present can literally characterise what “those” times mean.
Yes, I am happy but I’m sad and I am not happy about it.
What if I took an opportunity too soon? It’s not my time, it will never be and never will. You give everything for nothing. You give and receive only an ounce of what you’ve died out of excruciating pain for. I learned. I gave. Never received. Come to think of it; I received something I didn’t need, but why now?
What if I’m not worth “it”? Am i just a just? I will never compare to a person full of and I will never be a person full of. Not now. I guess. I can never fly. I can never stand up. I can never fill baskets with fruit. I can never be a guard. Because I am just a just. A plain old just. A nobody. A single dot in an infinite ellipsibus. I’m just a your just. And I don’t know why I feel like it when you treat me like I’m not one. I’m unsure. I don’t know. Because that’s how I feel. Just a just.
What if you told me a lie? You are made for greater things. It boosted my ego. Well you didn’t tell, you made me feel like it. I felt so powerful. But. But it’s not about the power. The fuel is almost empty and I don’t know where to find a station. It’s a long shot to even wish for it to find me rather than me striving to find one.
What if every step kills? Every single action can kill. Every mistake costs a life. Everything I do costs a life or even worse: can cost feelings. I’ll never put my foot forward because I’m afraid too. It’s too hypocritical but that’s how I go. Living in masks. Living in tents. Living in shelter.
What if you understood? Understood every step and every letter. I am trying to pilot a flight that’s going nowhere so why bother. I know it’s going nowhere so why care. I pretend. You never believed. I tried. You never gave in. We’re both wrong. We never cracked.
What if I was right that I was never right.
What if I just disappeared.
Vanished into thin air.
Never came back.
bye














