this particular camera, his first and favourite, was rescued out of one of his brothers’ boxes in the attic. when he was the only child living at home, he got to spend more time exploring his family through their things. the dining room was the only place they all gathered as ONE, but jude cannot recall a s i n g l e decent conversation that didn’t pertain to politics, school or what the neighbours’ kids were up to. – funny how that’s a universal experience, HILARIOUS: kids learning to determine their worth based on how well their competition fared ; not on ones own accomplishments, but on their failures.
there are so many stories that old boxes will tell you better than the people themselves. and now his own boxes have joined the lot. as much as he tries to recall, he can’t remember what secrets he has left behind for someone else to discover. he’s mostly worried about the box of scraps and old photographs that he seems to have LOST just before he could pack them up. nothing too concerning, except for if it gets into the wrong hands. some ripped out journal entries – not ‘ much. ’
he isn’t as skilled as his more talented brother, but maybe the reason why he obsessed with cameras so much was that roman would BOND with him over his curiosity. one simple question turned into a full blown obsession when he was rewarded with a sibling’s attention. if he got lucky, roman would even ask him to tag along so he can hold up reflectors. the only time jude, or any of his brothers bonded with each other, was over their father’s d i s a p p r o v a l. such as things that are not REAL jobs, like photography and clinical counseling.
What was it that he said about counselors? The lunatics that parents send their kids to when they go ‘ out of control. ’ A jab at his own son’s dossier of psychiatric evaluations. so naturally, the MORE that senator kane hated it, the more jude wanted it. the camera meant so much to him for many reasons, but most of all, it was a symbol of his brother’s defiance, one that he looked up to. there was some sentimental value to his possession, but jude was barely letting go of it. he trusted woojin enough to let him borrow it, try it out. that’s better than it collecting dust.
“ you wouldn’t be taking away much from me. besides, i’m just loaning it to you, like how you’d borrow a library book. ”
woojin might be one of the only few people he GENUINELY enjoys the company of ( even in their shared silence ) and trusts without any reservations. none that he can think of, anyway. there’s no specific reason why, if he’s asked to explain, and he can’t simply fall back on the reasoning that it’s a trust built over years of knowing each other. but maybe it’s woojin’s own confidence in him that he feels equally obliged to return ? why else would a timid guy like woojin return to jude ? he’s a barely decent advisor who’s only capable of doing the bare minimum JUST so he can keep his own boat afloat. He’s good at his job, but not astounding. a lack of j u d g e m e n t in the way he’s so trusting around him is ENOUGH. there is no malice in woojin’s intentions as far as he can tell. It’s the younger one’s simplicity and sincerity, maybe even his RESERVEDNESS that draws jude to him and adds to the trust.
but there’s an impending sense of DOOM looming over him. he’s expecting for woojin to become disappointed in him because of how s m o o t h l y this is all going. just the natural course of how things usually go. “ – but you absolutely don’t have to accept the offer if you don’t want to ! ” he doesn’t want to impose. another warm sip of his drink to wash down the fear of an inherited skill of exploiting, before it snowballs into an anxious, nagging thought. “ If you’re more comfortable with your own camera, that’s fine too. ” and another sip. “ maybe you can show me how to find a good subject to photograph, some time ? ”
though the two of them got along to say the least ( which is to say, if they were
ᴠᴇɴɴ ᴅɪᴀɢʀᴀᴍs, their circles would be completely overlapped ) , it was
strange to think that their histories had little in common. from all the ᴀ ʙ ɴ ᴏ ʀ ᴍ ᴀ ʟ
psychology that woojin has studied ( maybe in a DESPERATE journey to under-
stand himself ;; ) it felt like h i s t o r y && GENETICS were the strongest factors in
determining how messed up you turned out.
but they seemed to have little in common: jude had siblings to compete with, to
try to OUTSHINE whereas jude wished that he could just disappear so
his guardians would stop talking about him, to him. for every dinner that
DEVOLVED into a DEBATE for jude, it was another one eaten in relative
s i l e n c e . he barely remembered his aunt && uncle speaking to each other &&
even less to him—especially if it wasn't about ʀᴇᴘʀɪᴍᴀɴᴅɪɴɢ him or exhaustedly
asking him when he'd stop worrying them so much. even their at-
tempts to get h e l p were different—though, admittedly, they seemed to have
been BOTCHED either way: jude with TOO MUCH && woojin with too little. in either
sense, it felt as if in the P A C H I N K O of life, no matter what pegs the two of
them hit on the way down, all the categories were the same.
but maybe to say that they were ( S T U C K ) in the same slot wouldn't be very
reflective of the way that woojin felt about his relationship with jude. they were no
more stuck together as two birds making nests in the same tree or two foxes in
the same dens. it's where they've chosen to live, making the best of the land-
scape before them. it's where they're h a p p y && ( safe ), && woojin would say
that he's barely had one or the other in his life. but meeting jude, being
able to spend time with him—yeah. maybe he would say that this is the closest
he's ever gotten to having both .
“ oh. well, ” he says, but the concept of b o r r o w i n g is familiar to him;; the li-
brary one of few ( safe places ) he's carved out for himself on this campus, with
his job giving him some INSIGHT to the quietest && most secluded places to hide.
“ as long as you're sure, ” is the wording that he decides to settle on — a little
WISHY WASHY, but he likes it for that exact reason: it gives jude an out
if he needs it, it lets woojin feel like he's not being too DEMANDING. even so, he re-
sists the urge to make a d o r k y librarian joke ( so when is the due date going
to be? )
no sooner had he settled on what to say, though, it jude is also trying to BACK-
PEDAL && instead of finding it awkward as most others are apt to, woojin finds
himself—c o m f o r t e d , in some ways. comforted to know that someone could
be just as unsure as him when it came to favors && asking for HELP—when is
too much && too little? but woojin offers a small smile, mostly hoping to ease
jude's nerves without having to say TOO MUCH ( && picking the ᴡʀᴏɴɢ words in
the process—even if he feels like there's no such thing with jude ) .
“ we can bring both? ” he offers as what he hopes to be a happy medium. “ i can
bring my dslr, you can bring your 35mm—we could... make a thing of it? ” the
words sound STRANGE coming out of his own mouth ( who was he? thinking he
could make PLANS && then stick to them? ) but—why not? especially
since he liked spending time with jude so much as it was;;
“ not that you have to either, ” he adds, feeling the same rise of ᴀɴxɪᴇᴛʏ as he does.
“ i—also haven't taken photos for a long time now. so i can't promise i'll be any
good—" he thinks to say ‘ at helping you, ’ but the truth is— “ at all. ”