I am confused to title it the ‘art’ or the ‘idea’ of being alone, but I dunno why it makes more sense when I said it to myself ‘The Idea of Being Alone’. The idea is purely come from my perspective and I am not really envy it as something glorious or pretty so the word ‘art’ is too strong for it. I encourage you to listen to the song below, because I was listening to it while I wrote this post. It’s eargasm.
Anyway, back to the topic of being alone and lonely. Firstly, I believe that I am an introvert but some people see me as an ambivert, as the time goes by it is cultivated in me the belief that I am an ambivert. I love staying in my room on the weekends and just stay there all day long watching my favorite korean drama or other tv shows but in other time I also love going out for a cup of coffee with my bestfirends. Even though, talking in front of people is not my cup of tea but it’s also not a nightmare to me. In fact, I love it. So yea, maybe I’m an ambivert.
I thought that I enjoy being lonely but after staying at home alone without my parents, somehow I feel depressed. My parents are in Jakarta and they leave me alone with my maid. After this one month, I have been thinking a lot of scenario and even a scary thoughts that filled my imagination. Since my childhood I believe that living alone is the reflection of being independent. When I see those career women who live alone and do everything alone, it’s magical to me. I always want to do that when I grow up, that was my thought last time. So in this one month, I chose to cook for myself and buy the groceries alone. ‘I envy myself’, I said to myself.
But one day, the light in my room was broken and out. The first thing that came to my mind was ‘Oh, dad will fix it later for me’ but then I realized that dad is not home yet so I have to fix it for myself. The idea of a broken light does alarmed me because in the future when I choose to live alone without a family of my own there will be a lot of stranger and more difficult things to handle. Just the idea of it is a scary thing for me.I know, I’m timid like that.
When I came out from my room at 9 pm on the weekend, my house was so quiet and there was no sound of television that usually came from my parents’ room. Or just a sound of them talking, I miss that. I need that sound in my house just maybe the idea of there are people living with me. Somehow my house look so pathetic.’You too look pathetic’, I said it to myself.
Yesterday, I had a consultation with my doctor so I had to visit the hospital alone, While waiting for my turn, I waited in the lobby alone holding my blood result on my hand. I had all the time to scan all the people there, there was an old couple, the husband was pushing the wife’s wheel chair. There was also a cute kid ran around and fooling around with her mom. Without me realizing I was smiling to myself, My hands were cold and my heart was beating so fast, scared for the outcome of the test result and I also feel that the idea of being alone while having my anxiety attack is obviously not something I enjoy. ‘I don’t want this’ I said it to myself.
I always feel that I am not someone who can tolerate commitment of living together with someone else all my life. I don’t think that I can find that someone who I truly like and accept that someone no matter what. I envy those people who dare to take the oath to do so. I enjoy being alone, getting myself a me time, that way I enjoy my life more. I had been thinking to get myself a cat when I reach 30 years old and living alone in my own house but somehow that scenario frightened me. The idea of it sounds so cool but when you have the chance to actually experience it, it does not feel that extravagant as it might seem. Now I understand.
In the meantime, I am still enjoying my alone time and devouring it to the fullest. The things that I experienced above are just the reflection of my anxiety. Not forgetting that I still have my family and my best friends with me. However, the idea of living alone in the future is still a question for me. I am just wondering what else in life that will surprise me, that will change my perspective. We shall see.
Oh and I want to congratulate you who have found yourself a partner in life that maybe someone who you can talk to when you are waiting for your turn to see your doctor or someone who can change the broken light. To congratulate you for having the courage the take one step ahead of life. Everything is more beautiful isn’t it? :)
“Sehebat apapun seorang manusia, tidak akan pernah menang dari rasa sepi. Apa yang bisa kau banggakan kala gelap sendiri tak berteman?”
turnnoffyourmind
blakekathryn
izzy806
tangentwithtanner
origamiaround
snowghoul
janainaart
