e d d i e s of the t i d e

this mind of mine is deeper than most people care to swim

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i’ve never been very good at     being          “me”

i harvested pieces of those around me     picking what i liked          best

and sifted it into     my          being

my father said he loved me     as          “me”

but punished me for trying to     be          better

i never wanted to be different     i just wanted          to evolve

i liked the way she said that     so i copied the          lilt in her voice

i liked the phrases he uttered     so i copied the          tone of his laugh

i had never found “myself"     not          yet

and every time my father took me aside     disappointed in me

         for growing

i got one step     farther          from finding “myself"

no person in the world is anything     until they have          evolved into something

no person can evolve into something     until they have          experienced everything else

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being friends with my ex

some days im okay

some days my chest doesn’t cave in     when you laugh

some days my eyes don't sting     when you hang up

but most days

i can’t breathe when i wake up     and you’re not beside me

i memorize the sobs that fall from my lips     when you forget to call

some days     i dance in my independence

but most days     i can’t move

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before those sleepless mornings you whispered words of affection you complained of my absence before those sleepless mornings you wanted all of me

you couldn’t get enough of me on those sleepless mornings your fingers, your lips searched me you held me close you painted me with your tongue on those sleepless mornings

something changed after those sleepless mornings maybe i snored too loud maybe i didn’t love you the way you wanted maybe you woke up too cold on those sleepless mornings

your whispers faded into nothing your complaints stopped you didn’t want me anymore after those sleepless mornings

you say it wasn’t my fault that it was you who changed but it happened on those sleepless mornings when you looked across the bed and wished you were alone

on those sleepless mornings i was safe i had a home and you were changing your mind

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i dont want someone who cant live without me

i want someone who doesnt want to

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What is Home?

What is home?

Is it the house you were born in? There are crayon marks on the walls from when you were three. You remember running down green carpeted floors, racing your brother to the bathtub. The chairs by the kitchen island would spin. You used to bang the edges on the table. There were chips in the marble. You have a permanent scar from when you hit your face on the coffee table. You used to…

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i asked you for a warning i almost begged you on my knees because i knew it would happen everyone always leaves

you kissed my lonely lips you held me while i cried but just two weeks later your affection for me died

i asked you for a warning so i could prepare my heart for the inevitable time when two lives drift apart

your eyes were so kind you promised you still cared but i wanted to go back in time so my broken heart might be spared

“you’re my best friend” you tell me as though it would mend my broken pieces but my heart has been shattered while you think it only creases

so you text me everyday with one joke or another you break me everyday by saying you want to be my brother

i asked you for a warning you said you’d do the best you can but i am left here reeling wondering when our end began

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741 the number rings out in my head

741 people from ohio, illinois, brazil, africa people from different walks of life from different points of view people who accepted the button by my name

they smile at my photos or laugh at what i share they repost all our memories a comment on a message board

but when it comes down to it despite 741 “friends" i sit alone in a basement with no one to call no one to hear me

i’ve traveled the world i’ve seen things most would only dream of i’ve posted pictures on the internet that people envy me for

but here i sit my adventures clanging around in my head i lay in the dark and pretend that i might have anyone

but in the end 741 people and i am all alone

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i hate you i hate the way you held me when i cried i hate every whispered lie i hate the way you cared when i couldn't love myself i hate the way you said you loved my body but you couldn't love my heart i hate your small, sweet kisses i hate your hungry touch i hate the way you said you cared while twisting the knife "you're my best friend" you told me i hate the kindness in your eyes i hate the way you made me realise that i don't want to be alone i hate that i can't stop loving you even when you're gone so i hate you i hate you because it's all i have

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my love

i love the way you laugh when i tickle you a very manly giggle the sound leaves a warmth in my chest that blooms like a flower

i love the way you whine when i stop touching you when you pull me closer my heart skips and my lips smile i like that you want me

i love the faces you make when you are a video on my phone the internet our only connection you think you are unattractive this way but it just makes me love you more

i love the way you moan the way your hand grips my wrist when my tongue finds exactly where you like it when i learn the way you taste

i love your gasping breaths and the way you bite your tongue hovering over me, becoming one with me i love the way you scrunch the right side of your face when the ecstasy hits

i love the way you held me when my father made me cry your hand stroking my back your skin was my comfort your heartbeat eased my own

i love the redness of your cheeks when you tell me what you like i love the feeling inside my chest when i give you what you want

i love you, i love you and i can’t make it stop when you keep on being you a you i can’t help but love

and you don’t love me yet and i’m okay with that for now i’ll keep on loving you and everything you do

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i can’t remember the last conversation i had with my oldest brother and my sister - she has her own life with her husband and her cat she doesn’t need me anymore the sweet one, my best friend, my brother he’d be the saddest, i think but even he would move on their lives would hit a speed bump then remain unchanged if i just ceased to exist i don’t know how my mother would feel i think she would cry but my father might roll his eyes i always had been a dramatic attention whore this would be my greatest show what friends do i have? none. they all leave. they all forget about me. but him - i love him i can’t keep wasting his time he’ll find someone worth it someone he can laugh with someone who knows how to be happy he might miss me, at first but in the end - there is no one who needs me their lives would go on living if mine were to end

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May 2018

happy birthday i whisper on my own as i turn out the lights the computer screen glowing my only companion

fifty comments on my facebook page they send their love my phone chimes over and over they wish me the best

twenty years old i've seen it all i've danced in the Amazon rainforest i've trialed through America's middle schools i slept in the Kalamari i've wandered African trails i've gazed over two different seas i've walked through London's rain i've climbed the Adirondacks i've smoked in parking lots i've learned different languages i've studied different skylines

and for what? for the photographs and the memories for the hundreds of people all from different walks of life wishing me love on my birthday while i stare at flowery wallpaper living out of trash bags scraping at my skin

i've seen it all and for what? for the loneliness that sits on my chest for the people i've left behind for the people who forgot about me when i did until facebook reminded them for the homes i've slept in never feeling safe

twenty years three continents fourteen "homes" and yet somehow i still don't belong anywhere

twenty years of adventure just to end up alone

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naked

growing up i was taught to cover my nakedness that my shorts were too short that my shirt was too low

i was ashamed of my skin i was ashamed to show any part of myself afraid it was too much

“modest is hottest” the churches preached they never told me my nakedness was okay

so i changed my clothes quickly even though i was alone because i could not bear to be naked

i could not clean my body properly because i was ashamed that i touched myself because i was told that was wrong

i could not sleep naked though it was the most comfortable because i thought it made me a slut

so when he looked at me and whispered “beautiful" i could not believe him

how could something as wrong as nakedness be beautiful? so i hid my skin even from myself

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home is nowhere

first home was bare feet on hardwood floors christmas trees that touched the ceiling the tv lighting the living room home was laying in the snow with glee sleeping in the barn naming every kitten that came

then home began to shift the four of us sleeping in one room one bathroom for six a screen with a snake a porch to break my chin on home was tile floors and sweat soaked skin

then home changed again bare feet on tiled floors new people filtered in and out week by week he was too old to share a room anymore christmas was rain and mud i started to wonder what home even meant

then by boat, home leapt away to a screened in porch and two dogs i shared my room with just her the pills lined the hallway they played on their computers i was a girl now i liked boys now but i liked girls too? he followed me around like a puppy i decided he was home

then home became her house we were guests homeless, gramma laughed home became ringing bells and cruel adolescents no one wants you here, she said home became a mist death, i thought, could be home

then the city's screams pierced my ears the trucks bumped and banged outside my window home was a dusty apartment surrounded by earth toned people surrounded by a tongue i don't understand home became my room, doors locked pain on my forearm home became my rage home became nothing

then the desert called our names he had moved out gone to college i hated them now i was alone and homeless it was hot and dry the spiders sat unmoving on the wall home was music home was books home was disappearing

then 14 hours we drove the dirt the mud splashing our wheels i had my own room now i had my own space i scraped at my skin in solitude pain was home now home became cement floors home became his wet nose and desperate licks he was afraid of storms so i carried him he was my only companion he was my home my canine family

then the mountains called my name the strict rules of the school held me tight the snow crunching under my boots the boy smiling into my eyes he will be my home, i decide but he didn't want that home was fleeting the dorm i hated to be in the roommate who couldn't stand me home didn't exist

now i flit from place to place illinois ohio africa it doesn't matter where is home? they ask i can't answer what is home? i want to ask they can't answer that my suitcase, i laugh the zipper and the bare minimum the dorm rooms and the guest bedroom home is nowhere nowhere is home

i tell him that it hurt me that i can't find a place to hide he shakes his head drama queen, his answer whispers implied in his brows living like this doesn't wound people, he tells me so i close my lips and turn my head family can't be home, i decide if they can't even listen when i cry

home is nowhere nowhere is home

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it kills me that she’s touched you that she’s tasted you it kills me that you touched her the way you touch me that you tasted her the way you taste me it kills me that your bodies have intertwined that she gave you pleasure that she’s seen you the way i see you

you are the only one who’s touched me no one else has tasted me i belong to you, wholly and completely i have never belonged to anyone else

and it kills me that at any moment she could come back and you’d remember the way she tastes the way she writhes beneath you

and i would become irrelevant

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he just stopped texting he just stopped caring she just gave up it was all so sudden i couldn't prepare myself

i drove them away i don't know how but i did and i'll drive you away too eventually

i know it's going to happen i've tried to brace myself i've tried to expect it but i can't help giving you everything i can't help getting comfortable happy

but i know, in my heart that everyone leaves and you will too but please please give me a warning before you do

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they always leave whether it takes years or weeks it always ends

whether it's a boyfriend or a friend somehow the goodbyes last forever

and i'm left alone collecting the pieces they left behind the pieces id so willingly given them the pieces they so easily abandoned

the paranoia is based on life experience and i'm sorry i can't believe you'll stay but honestly i'm just waiting waiting for you to say goodbye too

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i would cut off my right arm for them i would give them all i have for them, there’s nothing i wouldn’t do

i’ve only ever given everything i drive to the hospital at 3am i run to the across campus just because she needed a hug

but where are they when I am alone? who can i call when i hurt myself? who cares?

i need, desperately i search and i search but i come up empty i give all of myself when they need me i get a whisper in return

i don’t want to be selfish i wish i could give everything without complaint i wish i were the perfect Samaritan

but i’m not im alone so fucking alone

they’re sleeping when the blade is in my hand they’re busy when i can’t move from my bed i am nothing, not to them

if i vanished, who would care? if i stopped breathing, who would miss me? if my blood stained this carpet, they’d mourn my loss for a time

in the end, i am nothing not to them, not to anyone

in the end, if no one needs you were you ever someone at all?

in the end what even matters anymore?