Life of Jmay

Maisie•25•Australia• Serial Dreamer•Polyglot

[edgarabbit]

After my big trip north (including two months living in Mackay because I split petrol over my entire body on the side of the freeway and was taken in by a very kind family), I am back in Melbourne and living at my mum’s, and let me tell you, seeing her every day is gonna push me over the fucking edge.

[badjokesbyjeff]

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

[legallynotgreen]

Kronos wrote this

[edgarabbit]

I'm going to brissy to spend nye with one of my best mates and I am SO EXCITED! After hearing 'the gays' (among other, more hideous slurs that I shan't repeat here), I can't wait to go and be superdooper queer somewhere safe.

Side note: Mackay is a massively bigoted place and I really wish I wasn't living here...

[penny-anna]

hot take: 

Gloin is the sexiest dwarf by dwarf standards.

Kili is the sexiest dwarf by elf standards.

Thorin is the sexiest dwarf by human standards

& Bombur is the sexiest dwarf by hobbit standards

[penny-anna]

#ITS TRUE AND YOU SHOULD SAY IT #(ALSO THORIN AND KILI BEING ‘UGLY’ BY DWARF STANDARDS IS AMUSING CONTENT)

further take: Kili is straight-up ugly by dwarf standards. Thorin is like, the dwarf equivalent of Benedict Cumberbatch. Some dwarves think he’s an absolutely dreamboat, others think he is super weird looking, there’s very little middle ground.

[kayla-bird-deactivated20190505]

omg now i’m like. what does this make frodo by hobbit standards

[penny-anna]

by hobbit standards, I’m afraid Frodo is probably. not conventionally attractive at all.

[femmefaramir]

Frodo is the sexiest hobbit by elf standards

[stinkylittlegnome]

@femmefaramir this is some fucking galaxy brain level tags and im crying out of sheer horror

[thecuckoohaslanded]

midnightcandlelight replied to your post “Do you know anything about our good friend The Hippo?”

sweats pink?

Yes and no.

Hippos are several things[citation needed].  

Two of those things are brown and fearless.

You probably thought you knew what not giving a fuck looked like.

Well I’m here to tell you you’re wrong.

This is the ideal Zero Fucks Given.  You may not like it, but this is what PEAK FUCKLESS looks like:

That is a hippo getting in the way of a crocodile killing a wildebeest.

On purpose.

Hippos aren’t just not afraid of one of the largest and deadliest subspecies of crocodiles on Earth.  They ACTIVELY fuck with them, WHILE they’re eating.  They will harass crocodiles as they hunt, interrupt them while trying to feed, and just outright annoy them for fun.  They’ll chase crocodiles until they become exhausted (crocodiles have very limited stamina due to lactic acid buildup in their muscles and after short periods of intense activity they become nearly paralyzed with their need for rest), then after the crocodiles have dragged themselves onto the banks to rest in the sun, they’ll just keep on messing with them.  Nudge them, push them around, bite them to clean their teeth.

Hippos basically treat crocodiles like mobile toothbrushes that need to be harassed into submission first.  They will also outright kill crocodiles if they present a significant threat to their young, or when bull hippos need an outlet for their own toxic masculinity.  (Testosterone: Not Even Once.)

Or when they just hate crocodiles, because they really hate crocodiles.

Which is why it’s such a big deal when the near-mythical legendary crocodile from Burundi, Gustave, has reportedly been witnessed killing and eating a bull hippo.  A hippo is NOT an easy animal for a crocodile to kill, even an extraordinarily large crocodile.

But Gustave is the definition of an extraordinarily large crocodile:

That’s an adult female next to him, probably anywhere from 9-12 feet long.  She’s half his length.  His exact size is something that will probably never be determined because Nile Crocodiles are extremely difficult to capture alive (especially ones this big, experienced, and clever) and their remains are virtually impossible to recover if they die in the water.  But it’s likely Gustave’s size is comparable to the standing Guinness World Record holder, Lolong:

Except maybe bulkier due to the dietary differences in Nile and Saltwater crocs.  There’s some skepticism about Gustave’s size and probably healthy speculation about the accuracy of some of the things attributed to him (like that he has killed over 300 people and survived being shot with a rocket launcher; although he DOES have a few distinct scars from bullet wounds and his migratory patterns line up with dozens of human casualties).  And it’s possible that he is already dead, because it’s been a few years since there was a reliable sighting.

It IS within the realm of possibility for a Nile Crocodile to reach Gustave’s reported size, though – especially one who has spent so many years successfully avoiding humans.  I’ve linked a clone of this video before but mistakenly presented it as a Saltwater crocodile when the footage was in fact taken in the Okavango Delta in Botswana, in southern Africa:

The (Nile) crocodile in this video appears to be about twice the length of its distance from the camera, which looks to me like about 10-12 feet based on the apparent depth of the water and how far the camera is from where it crossed under the boat.  This is a HUGE crocodile.  I’d be more surprised if it wasn’t 20 feet long.  At least.

But basically, that’s about how big a crocodile needs to be for claims of it killing a bull hippo to be believable.  Crocodiles get big:

But it’s really not a small feat to take down Mother Nature’s Two Ton Staple Remover™ that thinks murder is fun:

So while crocodiles do like to eat hippos when they can (young hippos if they can isolate them from the protective mother/herd, adult hippos usually only when they are killed by other hippos, most often males in territorial disputes), hippos don’t have as much reason to be afraid of them as, say, any other living thing within ten feet of the water.  (There are videos of crocodiles attacking ELEPHANTS, which I will not link here because I’m already way off topic.)

Anyway, to the original point, one of the things hippos are besides fearless is brown.  Hippo skin is shades of brown.  Not pink.

The lightest and pinkest coloration is around the sensitive areas where the skin is thinner, especially around the eyes and ears, and parts of their jawline.

But sometimes, they do LOOK a lot more pink, especially when they are OUT OF THE WATER or when the sun is really intense:

(this particular image looks like it might have had some saturation boosting)

This is because hippos are very sensitive to DRY SKIN.  What makes their skin pink is not exactly sweat, it’s a reddish substance that basically acts as a natural moisturizer that protects their skin from drying out in the intense sun or when they come out of the water.  Sometimes people say, incorrectly, that they sweat blood (the second night picture just above is a good depiction of this because you can see it actually running down the side of its belly) because of this, but it’s just a substance that their skin produces to stay hydrated.  So they don’t TECHNICALLY sweat pink because it isn’t sweat, meant to regulate heat by cooling the body as it evaporates, but their skin does secrete a substance that does make them look more pink, but isn’t really sweat.  So yes and no.

In contrast, here’s a(n adorable) picture of a hippo fully submerged:

And okay, a few more for good measure:

What a bizarre combination of adorable and terrifying.

Also they’re the deadliest animal in Africa, which is saying something, so you should not fuck with them, probably.

[notaficwriter]

hypothesis: the salt & pepper diner experiment can no longer be conducted as it stands, because everyone is now fully attuned to the opening bars of tom jones’ “what’s new pussycat?”, classically conditioned into a fight-or-flight response. however, this experience can be replicated using 21 back-to-back plays of lou bega’s 1999 hit song “mambo no. 5″, as the general response to “mambo no. 5″ being played twice in a row is not, “hey someone’s playing “mambo no. 5″ again,” but rather, “hey, lou bega’s 1999 hit song “mambo no. 5″ is a lot longer than i first thought.”

[nickyvmlp]

So what’s the “It’s Not Unusual” in this situation

[calkoscc-deactivated20181204]

Livin’ la Vida Loca

[caytofalltrades]

[kabaks]

anyway animal rights activism will be inherently disingenuous and indeed actively harmful unless y’all recognize that 1) not every country has industrialized the consumption of meat to the extent that the west has 2) you absolutely need to prioritize human beings over animals given that basic humanity isn’t even afforded to a large fucking portion of the human population 3) your experiences are not universal and humans have been living off the land sustainably for literal millenia 4) capitalism is your enemy not poor people & people of color 5) stop fucking making slavery/holocaust anaologies. those are actual human beings. thanks

[medievalswords]

[sappyhub]

Me: (to group of children) Raise your hand if you have a song you’d like us to sing!

Little boy: The pterodactyl song!

Me: I don’t know that one. How does the pterodactyl song go?

Little boy: (Throws back his head and emits an ungodly screech)

Me: Fair enough.

[insincere-engineer]

idk if y’all americans and that know this, but in Australia instead of snow at christmas we get these lil shiny bugs everywhere and they’re attracted to the christmas lights and we call them christmas beetles

and despite being australian they don’t bite or anything they just crawl around on your hand and it’s such a good and pure feeling and yeah

[cryoverkiltmilk]

‘despite being australian’

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

“We know what your thinking but this does not want to kill you”

[shittylifeprotips]

LPT: How to improve your drinking experience.

[edgarabbit]

In what world is this a shitty tip?!

[dorothygale]

*planet explodes* *removes one earbud* what

[spillybun-deactivated20190921]

Ominous positivity

[spillybun-deactivated20190921]

You will be okay. You have no choice.

[jadedsoggy]

Everything will turn out fine. You cannot stop it.

[justabirdy]

You will succeed. It is inevitable.

[slimjimstudios]

Moonwalk.

[flyingeagleclaw]

This is adorable. 

[medusabraids]

it’s so weird to me that shrek originally wasn’t meant to have a scottish accent can you imagine him with an american accent? it wouldn’t be the same the scottish accents adds some flavour some zest a certain je ne sais quoi

[medusabraids]

him shouting ‘DONKEY’ wouldn’t be as powerful

[medusabraids]

SDKSKDKAKDK

[niggazinmoscow]

Just remember, these are elected officials and our tax dollars are being used for this.

[commandtower-solring-go-deactiv]

This is what its like serving people. People want straight answers to questions they fundamentally don’t understand. They don’t even understand the language you use. There is a very definite answer to what ‘wifi’ is, but a lot of oldies have their own understanding which is seperate from fact, but they believe to be fact. So when you try to explain it to them it gets to a point where they not only don’t understand it, but they don’t want to understand it. 

These people here, its not that they don’t understand the tech at hand. Its that they simply don’t want to. And so they never will. 

[popcornfunction]

[lunnefisk]

you can actually see him go through all five stages of grief