Think about the genuineness of healthy children before they’ve been taught to cover up their feelings and think about their actions. They have great energy because they’re not in any internal conflict. They’re comfortable in their bodies, open with other people, and ready for the next thing. They are guided from within by what they like and don’t like, and they feel safe sharing their emotional truth with people they love. Locating your true self involves noticing your dreams, feelings, and impulses when you’re totally being yourself—as most children do naturally.
You are quietly confident and there’s no internal struggle. Words and ideas come to you from a deep inner sensibility, and you can tell what’s true and what’s not. Above all, there is a sense that no matter what happens, everything will be all right because you’re in the right frame of mind to handle it. Feeling firm, yet peaceful, you see the heart of the matter and move forward without ambivalence...
Your true self speaks with a still, small voice that guides you toward things that enhance your life energy and support your essential individuality (Gibson 2020). If you fight this inner guidance, you can produce internal conflicts so strong that they can cause symptoms. For instance, we become anxious when we deny our true wishes, and we become depressed when we think there’s no hope for being our authentic selves.
So where is this true self when you really need it? You know, like when you’re struggling with domineering or coercive behavior? It’s still there, but it gets hidden as your defenses step in. You have to tune into it. So, if possible, take the necessary moments to center yourself before you have any significant interaction. When your true self is leading the rest of your personality, you’ll be calmer and much less reactive (Schwartz 1995, 2022).
Your true self is the foundation of your entire personality, and it has been there since your beginning. It’s always there if you remember to look for it. Part of the popularity of meditation and mindfulness is that these practices take you into the spaces where the true self lives, where you can connect with your own depths.
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As you tune in to yourself, you’ll discover what you really think, how you really feel, and what you do and don’t need from others. It always amazes me how some people, after reconnecting with their true feelings, spontaneously start speaking the truth to EIPs simply because it’s so much easier to just say what needs to be said rather than quash it. When you’re in touch with your true self, the right words come out.
Your true self lives in quietness, awareness, and calmness (Schwartz 1995). Meditation, mindfulness, journaling, therapy, or deep conversations with a trusted friend can reconnect you with the essence of your true self. There are easily accessible meditation apps (for example, Headspace, Calm) and resources online, or you can search out introductory meditation books that appeal to you either online or in bookstores. You can use these resources to clarify what appeals to you and what makes you feel energized and alive.
When you’re faced with a difficult challenge, you can get quiet and ask yourself: What is the most essential truth about myself and this situation? Writing out your emotions, values, and perspectives can help you connect more deeply with your authentic self, and soon it will emerge more often in your interactions.
Having an emotionally mature partner is TOP TIER. You're able to express yourself freely and openly. They don’t insult you. They don't give you the silent treatment. They don't become aggressive or manipulative. They listen, they respond—they patiently hold a safe space for you.
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