â Â strap in âcause this one is rough. Â â
â Â itâsâ itâs yucky. Â â
â Â iâm aware of some details of this and itâsâ itâs yucky. Â â
â Â iâm not a gambling man, but i donât really like those odds. Â â
â Â we could conceivably run into this guy taking a dump in the woods or something. Â â
â Â are you fucking out of your mind? Â â
â Â iâm starting to think you want to die. Â â
â Â you turned a corner on that one pretty quick. Â â
â Â oh my god, itâs fucking horrifying. Â â
â Â thereâs an elk, though. thereâs a deer over there. Â â
â Â hereâs the remains and rubble of one of the greatest unsolved mysteries of all time and youâre looking at the fucking deer in the forrest. Â â
â Â maybe they were in there telling ghost stories. Â â
â Â thatâs not what pillow talk is, i donât think. Â â
â Â pillow talk could either mean something you do after sex or it could mean whatâs like sleepover talk. Â â
â Â do you tell ghost stories after sex? Â â
â Â all very effective forâ for murder. Â â
â Â they stabbed him so hard that the knife bent. Â â
â Â you would think that thereâd be at least one witness. Â â
â Â you see someone running through the forrest covered in blood, youâre probably not gonna bat an eye. Â â
â Â thatâs not how the forrest works. Â â
â Â excuse me, sir. why are you covered in blood? Â â
â Â iâm glad to know that you would be the worst crime scene witness of all time. Â â
â Â oh, you were phrasing it in a dramatic way. Â â
â  what is it about killersâ that they want to be caught so badly⊠or like they want to get as close to being caught without being caught?  â
â Â i canât put my mind into the mind of a criminal. Â â
â Â i can put my mind into the mind of a criminal. Â â
â Â some of them must be friends, others would like to plunge knives into each other. Â â
â Â i can imagine one friend of yours murdering you. Â â
â Â iâm pretty sure there was a coverup by the police department. Â â
â  70âČs and 80âČs police were always just like, âoh, you murdered someone? you got forty bucks?â  â
â  great! what else do you want?! i murdered people for you! and now⊠what?  â
â Â oh, so iâm the psycho cause i murdered for you!? Â â
â Â what, the police were just writing fan fiction? Â â
â Â this is just baffling to me. Â â
â Â i guess thatâs their job, but can you imagine how much goddamn paperwork is involved in that? so much! Â â
â Â iâm pretty sure weâre being watched, so i kind of wanna leave, to be honest. Â â
â Â iâve had enough of this place and i havenât even been here that long. i hate this place. Â â
â Â this boogeyman is very thorough. Â â
â Â i guess weâre lucky he got lazy. Â â
â Â the greatest safety precautions of our time are written in blood. Â â
â Â i think theyâre tired of this ongoing saga that never ends. Â â
â Â you know, i actually disagree with that last sentiment. Â â
â Â this is like straight-up end of days shit going on. Â â
â Â this couldâve been the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, in my mind. Â â
â Â iâve daydreamed about having an amazing bunker that has satellite tv. Â â
â Â âbad advilâ sounds like a shitty indie band. Â â
â  the wild west was the 80âČs.  â
â  in the 80âČs you could walk in a store, pocket a soda, punch a guy in the face, and then be like âsee ya later. fuck you!â cops wouldnât get to your door for weeks.  â
â Â he had books that were just titled âhow to crimeâ? if he had a book called âhow to crimeâ then thereâs your guy. Â â
â  oh, yeah⊠nah, iâm good. eh, bit of a reach.  â
â Â some old lady in florida bought the unabomberâs typewriter? Â â
â Â maybe this guy was really in the dog house and was just desperate for any kind of turn of affection from her so he thought, âi know that iâll do! iâll write the fbi!â Â â
â Â no, i didnâtâ what, is there anything to suggest that i would chase my mom with an axe? Â â
â Â i think you wear a mask sometimes. Â â
â Â maybe you should keep digging and see what happens. Â â
â Â these are two messed up weirdos who have found each other and itâs almost a shockingly beautiful love story. Â â
â Â i donât get it. i just wanna talk about my work and everyone just keeps seeming to bring up all my past of all the shitty stuff iâve done. Â â
â Â ugh, this guyâs gross. Â â
â  it mustâve been fun to be a criminal in the 80âČs.  â
â  everything before the 80âČs â just lawless.  â
â Â get your sunglasses ready because this one is packed full of bright stars. Â â
â Â iâm good to go. iâm always ready, baby! Â â
â Â it came true so she was actually warranted in all these fears. Â â
â Â this would be like if you were eaten by a shark. Â â
â Â i thought for a second we were talking about things that are actually scary. Â â
â Â iâm gonna let this slide because i know youâre just trying to get a rise out of me. Â â
â Â does that man have a magical penis or something? Â â
â Â you think the only reason someone would go back to someone is because they have a magical penis? Â â
â Â i feel like divorce is probably a lot of work. Â â
â Â do you not know how love works? Â â
â Â maybe i donât know how love works. Â â
â Â i have a hard time imagining someone going gaga over christopher walken. Â â
â Â i bet when you get in a room with christopher walken, he commands the space. Â â
â Â i brought some cocktail weenies. Â â
â Â one of my greatest fears is that someone will trick me into doing heroin. Â â
â Â thatâs the dumbest fear iâve ever heard in my life. Â â
â Â how many situations can you be in that would put you up to that potential danger? Â â
â Â how many parties are you going to where heroinâs involved? it seems like a lot. Â â
â Â itâs the fear that someone would come up to me on the street and put heroin in me and then iâm hooked forever. Â â
â  hereâs what mustâve happened⊠these forty things, in succession.  â
â Â what are you trying to do, fuck my wife? Â â
â Â why would he make this up? Â â
â Â heâ he was just trying to fuck someones wife. Â â
â Â i canât imagine murdering someone even when drunk. Â â
â Â when you drink you can imagine murdering someone?! Â â
â  i ate a pumpkin once when i was drunk⊠i just took a bite out of a pumpkin.  â
â Â thatâs a rational fear! Â â
â Â that is not a rational fear! Â â
â Â these are the musings of a paranoid man. Â â