Ego Painted Grey

[ego-painted-grey]

Maybe

Maybe I was happy. Maybe that’s why I didn’t crave more. Maybe that’s why I accepted what came to me, rather than fight for what I wanted. Maybe I wasn’t sleeping, I was dreaming. Maybe... maybe I wouldn’t be craving and begging for a small gesture now.

Maybe.

Or maybe not.

[ego-painted-grey]

Sad.

My mum always tells me:"When I look at your life, I always feel sad." I get defensive because I know it's true. Even I feel sad when I think about my life. "Chronic dissatisfaction" Maria Elena says to Cristina in Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Maybe that's what I suffer from. "I don't know what I want, I only know what I don't want". And what I don't want is the life I'm leading today.

[ego-painted-grey]

I hope it’s normal to feel so lost now that my university life is coming to an end. 

[ego-painted-grey]

The burden of being a woman.

Have you ever noticed how there aren’t a lot of successful women?

I did. 

I mean, there are, of course there are. One of my favourites is Cristina Scabbia, the queen of being a successful woman doing what she loves. But there are many more that don’t. They just... are. They exist. They have passions, they have hobbies, they want success, but they don’t pursuit it. At least, not like their male counterpart do. And I am one of them.

I look around me. I look at my family. There is one musician in there - a male cousin of mine. There’s a soldier there - another male cousin of mine. What about my female relatives. They just are. They are mothers. They are students. They are office-workers. They cannot be defined by their passions. There aren’t any dancers, climbers, writers, photographers, singers. They exist. And I do as well.

I don’t want to exist, I want to live. I want to share my existence with people, I want to prove that I can live, and they can too. I want to be remembered as someone that has lived, not someone that has existed. But I’m almost 25 and I feel it’s too late to prepare to live. I should have prepared to live long ago. Maybe I should just settle down and exist. Have a kid, say the lie “being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me” and exist. Buy a house, and exist. Breathe, and exist. 

My dream is living. But how to live instead of exist, I do not know. 

[ego-painted-grey]

La sindrome da Penelope.

Penelope, moglie di Ulisse, se la ricordano in ben pochi. 

Mentre il suo sposo era in viaggio per il mondo a uccidere ciclopi, fottersi maghe e regine e quasi quasi anche sirene, Penelope era a casa, a Itaca. Tesseva la sua tela di giorno e la disfaceva la notte, e i suoi pretendenti, i quali costantemente le ripetevano che Ulisse non sarebbe mai più tornato, attendevano invano che la tela fosse finita. Quel giorno, infatti, Penelope avrebbe scelto chi sarebbe stato il suo nuovo sposo. 

Penelope tesseva e disfaceva. Non dormiva - non poteva - ma tesseva e disfaceva. Sapeva che Ulisse sarebbe tornato un giorno. E che importava che nel mentre aveva fottuto Circe? Che importava che nel mentre aveva fottuto Didone? Che importava? Sarebbe stato a casa. 

Penelope mi ha sempre fatto paura. Ha sempre rappresentato un tipo di donna che mi fa ribrezzo. 

Eppure... eppure eccomi qui.

Impacco, guardo un po’ Facebook e aspetto. Aspetto a casa, in pigiama, sola, chiedendomi se forse non sarebbe meglio dormire, al posto che fare la Penelope della situazione. Ma non posso dormire. Lo stomaco è già in subbuglio. 

Chissà se anche Penelope disfaceva la tela perché non riusciva a dormire, e non per mettere in atto uno stratagemma.   

[ego-painted-grey]

I’m tired.

I’m tired of constantly feeling guilty. I’m tired of not doing what I want. I’m tired of work-study-work-study-some-more. I’m tired. Simply tired of being this meat shell that finds reassurance and acceptance only when other people approve of my choices. 

I’m tired of not knowing. What the fuck do I want from my life?  

[ego-painted-grey]

May you never know this darkness May you never be so blind May you always know the peace That I could never seem to find

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPeD4Nnkwj0)

[ego-painted-grey]

Another perfect day.

I haven't used Tumblr in ages, but yesterday I found myself crying at a gig and I think it's time to vomit some of my feelings on a blank page -albeit an electronic one. There's something I need to change in my life, or a lesson I still have to learn, because I find myself trying desperately to hang on to something that resembles human interactions. However, the more I try to hold on to it, the more it seems to slip through my fingers. Friends have left, with others I have grown apart. My only friend seem to be my boyfriend, but I've always been a greedy bitch, so I need more. He's amazing, but I need a girl by my side as well. Yesterday I truly felt how much I actually miss my best friend. I have tried in the past few months to replace her with other people in my life, but to no avail. I am beginning to doubt I ever will. Meanwhile, everyone else's life continues and I wither.

[ego-painted-grey]

CREATION VS DESTRUCTION

Creation: Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Libra, Sagittarius, Pisces

Destruction: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Capricorn, Aquarius

[ego-painted-grey]

people need to piss off. No matter what I do, it's always the wrong choice, I'm always either too selfish or an idiot, I literally don't know what to do anymore. "Do whatever makes you happy" my ass, I did that and here I am being called a pussy for not speaking out my mind. Which I did. 

Fucking tired of people's shit. 

[ego-painted-grey]

Bi-problems: dreaming about cheating on your boyfriend by kissing a girl and knowing that counts as cheating.

[ego-painted-grey]

Yeah, but ya know, if I could stop feeling so shit before a night out for no reason whatsoever, that would mostly appreciated. 

[ego-painted-grey]

Looking for words to say the things I left unsaid.

Lying in bed and feeling like a worthless piece of shit is not ideal when you're single, even more so when you're in a relationship.

I just feel like everyone has finally got tired of me. One of my closest friends has already (and completely out of the blue) broken ties with me before the new year, and that just left me wondering who's gonna be the next one to do so. I read in people's faces the boredom when I open my mouth, I can see how disgusted they are by how strongly I try to cling to them. Yes, maybe my boyfriend is just busy, or maybe he's just tired and bored out of his wits everytime we spend some time together. Which would explain why we haven't seen each other during one of the few weekends off gigging that he had.

Worthless and pointless. What am I even doing with my life. All these years promising myself that I wouldn't be a shadow, and now I realise I'm just a pathetic empty shell who just eats, breathes, sleeps and studies for a pathetic job that I most probably will not get. What am I even doing with my life. 

[ego-painted-grey]

Being an ambitious person without knowing what to strive for is very annoying indeed.

[wolverxne]

Freddy The Fox by: [Rob Lee]

Photographers note: "This brave fox wandered up on our porch. He's half cat, half dog, and all cute. When the fox first came for a visit we instantly named it "Freddy the Fox." But after we got to know it we found out Freddy is actually Frederica."

[dreamsinmanhattan-blog]

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.

Oh my fucking god. READ THAT SHIT OVER AND OVER (via forebidden)

[ixnay-on-the-oddk]

Another from the recent Holiday Ashehole photoset! ❤️ This will be released no later than Saturday, so you still have time to become an Ashehole to receive the photoset and the new video!