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The man who saved me is leaving for good come March. I don’t know I will cope without him and our visits.

Mandolin Orange perform "Boots of Spanish Leather" by Bob Dylan on Audiotree Live, April 15, 2014. YouTube playlist: http://bit.ly/2alEPnV Subscribe to Audio...

That I might be gone a long time And it's only that I'm askin' Is there something I can send you to remember me by To make your time more easy passin' ?

#GottaGo

My earliest memory is of you slamming your fist into my sister because she was crying, like babies do. Our mother screamed and threw herself over the small crib and the baby’s sudden silence began a terrifying space in time that eludes me now but perhaps that was the straw that broke our mother into a thousand crazy pieces? Who knows? I got a copy of your “rememberies” (what a stupid word) after you died and your writing made her sound like some kind of trashy whore for fleeing your violence. Seriously? You were a stinking, skulking, vicious and brutal drunk. You were supposed to be the one man in the world who loved and protected your daughters without a second thought. Instead, you threw us around, busted our lips, beat us for being little girls. You replaced our mother with a fat, selfish, shallow, knocked-up cunt and let her abuse us, mentally and physically. She was manipulative and spiteful and cruel. Then, after a while, you fucked around on her with her hateful, narcissistic, bitch best friend, got that one knocked up and allowed her to dictate that you not see us or support your children. You bent over like a pussy-cooked noodle and suddenly two little girls had no Daddy. You tossed us aside, sent us away to be forgotten except on the rarest of occasions when I assume some sort of guilt crept in and a card arrived in the mail. Oh wait, there WAS that time you were in town and as we stood in front of my old aunt’s coffin in the funeral parlor you drunkenly slurred to me that my tits had gotten big. Yep Dad, there’s six years between 7 years old and 13 years old. Tits happen.

When you were still alive I waited, held back my anger and questions, always hopeful there might be something to salvage but there was not, was there? I feel like a fool for reaching out all those times, for trying to grasp at anything that would make it seem like I had a father. Now you’re gone and I will never be able to ask you, face to face, daughter to father, my words to your ears, “How could you? HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU?”

Your death has taken away my voice and I feel like the rage is going to make me explode out of my skin.There is no peace for me, a fatherless daughter. I have been silenced in the way that matters most.

#WHY

Check out the lyric video for "My Heart Is Broken" from the new self-titled album! Head to iTunes to download the album, Evanescence, now:http://apple.co/2kC...

Into thousands of pieces...

#Broken

Every day now holds a misstep, a wrong word, an honest mistake, I don’t speak up when I should, I speak up when I should shut up, I manage some random faux pas. I always thought when I grew up I’d be suitable, appropriate, legit in every way, but instead I seem to be more wrong than ever.

#DisappointmentGuaranteed

There are appearances to maintain so I turn on my mega-watt grin and make what I think are all the right word-noises, I laugh, I pretend to give a shit, I play the game, and isn’t it winning when no one can see the panicked, anxious, shamed, embarrassed, terrified, disgusting, self-loathing heap that is me under all this fucking happiness I’ve chosen?

#MasterPretender

A hot dog. That’s what you called your cock the first time you put me on my knees so I could suck you off while we were playing hide and seek in your mother’s basement. I didn’t know what was happening and I tried to fight but you hit me and held me by the hair, and I could hear my sister running around trying to find us in our hiding spot when you came in my mouth. There was no sympathy for my tears and you made it very clear you’d say I was a liar if I told. Every time I saw you thereafter, you found a way to get me alone. Once there was a friend with you and you laughed as you pushed me to my knees. “Look what I can get her to do.” You then offered for me to do the same for him but he declined. I think he may have been horrified but I was too scared to look up. I knew if I told your sister, my stepmother, you would indeed deny everything and then I’d be beaten for lying so I learned to kneel down, be still, swallow without gagging, hold back the tears because crying stuffed up my nose and then I couldn’t breathe at all and you didn’t care about that.

One night we were left in your charge, a pedophile teenager in the role of trustworthy “uncle and babysitter.” You put us to bed and waited just long enough for my sister to fall asleep, then I felt you sit on the edge of my bed by my pillow. I pretended to be asleep too, even when you shook me, because I knew what you wanted. As you stood up and stepped away I felt a deep sense of relief flood my body - I thought I had tricked you! - and then you went over to my sister’s bed. I knew what was going to happen to her but I was so terrified I could scarcely breathe and my bladder emptied in fear and my eyes squeezed shut. I listened to her muffled protests and gags and when you were done, she began to vomit and scream. Sadly there was no one to help her but me and I was too afraid to move. Eventually we both went to sleep - her in her puddle, me in mine - and the next morning I was punished for wetting the bed.

I was six years old that night, my sister was three, and I have never forgiven myself for what happened. I still carry the burden that she then became your repeated victim too, even though that was probably inevitable. I found out many years later that your sister knew and did nothing.

I think that might be the worst part of all.

#SoSadSoAngry

Emptied.

It’s been 35 years and I still see the blood, the chunks of my flesh being sucked out of my body, I still feel the pinching twists and the cramping. I am haunted and shattered by the image of it now, but back then I was so numb to my own self, to my own physical being, that I just laid there and stared at the ceiling once again, feeling nothing in my mind, drifting away on the strings of yarn blowing in the breeze of a moldy air vent as yet another man violated my body and purposely hurt me to teach me a lesson.

I was so young but I wanted you, little one. I did. Instead, I was beaten into submission and forced to destroy the embryonic symbol of my mother’s shame and the ruin of her reputation. I was told I should’ve known better but I know now I was just a girl who knew nothing other than the craving for someone to love me. Still, I grieve your tiny flicker of life so desperately, and I despair for my soul and wonder if I’m doomed to walk this earth paying continuous penance for my disregard, no matter how innocently ignorant it was at the time.

The pain of it, all of it, is so unbearable.

#ForgiveMeBaby

Losing you is my greatest fear. Where would I be without you walking this earth beside me? You’re the love I’ve always known.

#1984

Fuck, not again.

Tonight was a panic attack like one I haven’t experienced for quite a while. I’m so disappointed with myself. Just when I think I’m on the mend my brain decides to fuck with me and here comes the same old shit: the fluttering heart, the band across my chest. the shortness of breath, the pressure across the bridge of my nose, dizzy and lightheaded, and just wanting to get the fuck OUT. Lemme out. I got to gooooo....

Sadly I can’t leave my body anymore.

I used to be able to zone out when I was a kid - just mentally disappear from a scenario - but that talent is gone. The best I can hope for is to gorge on chocolate, Klonopin and vodka, then pray for sleep to overtake me.

May it be so.

#CPTSD

Thanks for all the views and comments and ratings! It means a lot!!! Edit: I am no longer taking requests, sorry :( All the ones I've already been asked to d...

Don’t try to fix me... because you can’t.

#Hello

I am forever grateful that you shared. I’m sorry I couldn’t take you with me but I have never forgotten you.

You owe me.

Mrs. Barr, Fifth Grade Teacher

I am so despondent, so disheartened, so tired of being exhausted and fearful, and some days I think it would be better if I just never woke up. The only thing that keeps me going, that keeps me from making this a reality, are two little people who would be devastated if I was gone.

Otherwise, I’d SO be out of here.

#SoIncrediblySad

The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.

Ulysses S. Grant

#IsThereAnybodyOutThere

Necessity dictated today that I lay everything out, expose myself and my frailties. In return I was bluntly and soundly put in my place. “I think you just need to buck up and get over it. Things could be worse. You could be younger, with children to care for...” and just like that, I was mute. Chastised. Unworthy.

As I hobbled out to my car, cane tapping, hips crying out for relief, I felt my entire body turn to flame and then came the horrid cramps of my stomach raging at my tongue that would not - could not? - speak on my behalf. Why not? WHY NOT? Why am I so terrified to ask for what I need?

I alternately sobbed and hyperventilated all the way home and I have done nothing since I got here but sit on the toilet and deal with a massive case of the nervous shits.

I am so fucking exhausted.

#Shame

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