Eimī

[yourhandsonmine]

There are things I feel lm never goong to tell neither explain them deeply to you even when sometimes I feel I should yell them right on your face. Like how much I hate being the victim, and at the same time how much I would never want u to go through something like this, in fact.

How much I hate my heart is so soft like in general that’s just me, that i never wanna make you feel bad about everything that happened and that’s still happening to me.

How bad I feel everyday, how much it bothers me to cry all day and at ANYthing that has a blue sad feeling even if its a lightly touch.

How angry it makes me feel that i have to do all this healing journey bc its so hard, how bad i ca not remember myself before this. How bad my mind gets just thibking, imagining

How bad i sleep and that i barely dream, i do in fact have more nightmares than “dreams”.

How much vulnerable i feel to anybody that shows me love and at the same time i feel everyone lies to me, i developed trust issues badly

How mad it makes me to not believe anything you say. How much i hate having to convince myself I didnt mean that little to you, i hate how desperate i get when you communicate, i hate so much how you dont feel like my safe place anymore, i doubt at everything you say and do, everything triggers me.

I hate feeling lonely even if i have always been, and i always bragged ablut how much i loved it and i realized it was bc I had you, at distance so it felt like it was only myself.

I hate kinda getting to realize now you were probably the reason i believed in myself so many times ans got to achieve everything i have achieved.

I hate to think the pain could last forever it will just hide. I hatw to think nothing bettwr is coming, i hate to think i will never find something like what we had, and i definetely hate thinking no one will be in love with me as much as you were

I will get over it

[thehopefulquotes]

“Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

— Mark Twain

[walrustrain]

Do you ever feel like you’re just convenient?

You’re the convenient friend, convenient time pass, convenient relationship, convenient option for everyone.

You’re the person people hang out with because you’re easy, and always eager because you’re always just so desperate to feel wanted and not alone, but really you’re just convenient.

You know you’re not special, and that your spot in their life will be easily replaced and that they’d much rather someone else in their company- but again you’re just convenient. You’re the convenient option. The always available option.

I’m the friend who has best friends but isn’t the best friend. I’m the convenient friend. I’m the lover who falls in love but never the one being loved. I’m just the convenient route.

Im the ‘never says no’ friend. The ‘easy to take advantage of’ friend. The ‘can you do me a favour?’ friend. I’m the ‘useful until no longer of use’ friend. I’m the ‘I want to do something but everyone else is busy’ friend.

I’m the butt of the joke friend. I’m the punching bag friend. The forgotten friend. The one who’s feelings aren’t considered because I’m the ‘she’ll get over it’ friend.

I’m just the easy and convenient friend.

And that’s my own fault, thinking always being available, always being easy and giving more of myself will finally one day deem me worthy in someone’s eyes. Spoiler alert - it doesn’t. I’m still never enough.

I’m the ‘smile through the pain’ friend because being this friend hurts.

[amerasdreams]

Social interaction isn't in my DNA apparently. Prety much all my social interactions fizzle out or I say the wrong thing which sends people away or I overreact and cut people off bc I'm scared they might hurt me and I got a signal that seemed to set off alarms in my intuition....

Not having real friends as a kid stunted my social development so I am woefully far behind. Even if I didn't have something wrong with me that makes positive meaningful social interaction possible. I don't get things other people say. I don't get the rhythm of the culture. I don't get rhythm at all, which is why I can't dance and can't swim. My coordination is off, which is why I can't do sports and it took me 51/2 car accidents for me to learn how to drive enough so I don't have car accidents. The one real friend, i.e. best friend I had I only saw 1 time a year. And she drifted away as she got too old to play imaginary horse games, as she was 2 years older. It's not like i lacked for social interaction. The neighbor girl came over almost every day but I dreaded when she came over bc she was bossy. She never wanted to play the kind of things I did and I didn't have much fun. Yet i called her a friend bc ... that's all I had. The other neighbor girls were more my sisters' age. I suppose I had friends at 4-H but that was later. I doubt they would call me friend, it was just that we talked sometimes. Which felt like a lot to me lol. Youth group (as a teen again really...) was a horror, everyone was boisterous public schoolers who ignored me, looked down on me. Another "friend" I suspect only asked me over bc her mom wanted her to. I don't think I talked much, I was too scared.. what an idiot. What a fun person to have over. 🔫 I remember laughing at veggie tales but just bc she and her other friends were laughing. I might have laughed myself but I was too tense to actually have an authentic reaction

I don't get people. They don't get me. I do not want to absorb into overall society, which as an outsider I see as mostly inane and stupid, I always see better alternatives. To the drinking and hookup culture, to the caffeine and work yourself to death culture, etc. I'm mostly suited to being alone. As an introvert I don't mind it and barely notice it most of the time. I don't get bored; I can occupy myself. I can go long periods without even talking to family and have just animals as company (who I seem to get better). I do like being with family and it's really the closest thing to natural interaction I have, I have fun with the cousins but ... don't get close bc I'm the oldest. They're closer to each other and of course they have lives and I'm just a tiny part of their lives whereas they're an important part of my social life bc I don't have one to speak of outside of family ... I like being w my immediate family but now my sisters are often busy w their own families and new houses and successful jobs.... I just have mom and dad mostly. Who I rely on.

I need people to survive, need to be at least competent socially, which I'm not. So I'm always on the outside looking in... was unable to get a regular job.. and when I did get a small part time job I was slower than the others, my coordination and reaction time and ability to multitask is much below average so ppl wonder what's wrong w me. I get out of those inane jobs asap. .. I don't want to absorb into mainstream society , even if it were possible lolll, but I do want a deep connection with perhaps 1 or 2 people. I have never had that with anyone. I hardly know what it is... but over the years I got a sense that something was missing. Other ppl have deep relationships where people understand ans support them, know them deeply and their secrets and failings and still love and accept them... who share the same interests and like hanging out with them... a friend, I suppose. For me it's just been people I talk to, people I enjoy talking to but go their separate ways after the event is done. Acquaintances I suppose. Just a few times did they want to hang out with me outside the group.... and probably regretted it bc they didn't ask me back more than a few times.

I don't have the social gene. Awkward and that's not changing. It's been too long without, I've had too little practice compared to everyone else... even if I did have practice I would still be an awkward thing on the edge of everyone's groups. . Bc there is somethig wrong w me. It's why I didn't interact --bc it was horrible. Awkward and fizzled out with people wanting to get away from me asap.... I'm not made for this world. But I would like to think there is at least someone out there I would click with.... who would be a kindred spirit. Hm. Doubt it. I broke the mold.... and not a particular interesting mold. My existence would be forgivable if I were at least interesting. Someone might want to associate w me then.

If someone were a kindred spirit w me they would probably not want to advertise it and might b already gone

[thoughtkick]

“I am so afraid of disappointing the people I love, I often forget that I am someone I love too. And I need kindness just as much as I believe the people I love do.”

— Nikita Gill

[walrustrain]

Do you ever feel like you’re just convenient?

You’re the convenient friend, convenient time pass, convenient relationship, convenient option for everyone.

You’re the person people hang out with because you’re easy, and always eager because you’re always just so desperate to feel wanted and not alone, but really you’re just convenient.

You know you’re not special, and that your spot in their life will be easily replaced and that they’d much rather someone else in their company- but again you’re just convenient. You’re the convenient option. The always available option.

I’m the friend who has best friends but isn’t the best friend. I’m the convenient friend. I’m the lover who falls in love but never the one being loved. I’m just the convenient route.

Im the ‘never says no’ friend. The ‘easy to take advantage of’ friend. The ‘can you do me a favour?’ friend. I’m the ‘useful until no longer of use’ friend. I’m the ‘I want to do something but everyone else is busy’ friend.

I’m the butt of the joke friend. I’m the punching bag friend. The forgotten friend. The one who’s feelings aren’t considered because I’m the ‘she’ll get over it’ friend.

I’m just the easy and convenient friend.

And that’s my own fault, thinking always being available, always being easy and giving more of myself will finally one day deem me worthy in someone’s eyes. Spoiler alert - it doesn’t. I’m still never enough.

I’m the ‘smile through the pain’ friend because being this friend hurts.

[thoughtkick]

“Be careful who you share your secrets with, only a few care, the rest are just curious.”

— Unknown

[battling-my-demons]

If she starts crying when she’s explaining something. That shit really hurt her.

[randomreasonstolive]

Reason to Live #8240

 Cats. They are fluffy, their purrs help help and they are adorable. They also have toe beans. – Guest Submission

(Please don’t add negative comments to these posts.)

[exhaustedborderline]

[eimixx]

The next time I'm opening up to someone's going to be my autopsy.

[eimixx]

Being sensitive while pretending to have a thick skin is like getting stabbed with a sword while wearing metal armor: The sword may not have visibly injured me but it left a hell of a bruise underneath.

[embersofhope19]

[soulinkpoetry-deactivated202505]

The way you leave someone says a lot. Think of your last words to them. If they were to die tomorrow, would you regret the words you left them with?

.

.

[daz3d-n-c0nfused]

I feel fucking awesome...

No really don't worry about me, I'll just go break down in my little corner and be fine.

-the apparently shitty human being who can't do anything right.

[eimixx]

Does anyone else feel they have no one apart from their kids and partner? Not many people like me, well I’m constantly feeling like I’m not liked. The only ‘like’ feeling I get is when I post on Instagram and get some likes on there and even they’re from people I don’t know and I have to hashtag to get them if I don’t I get fuck all! Is it me? Is it the way I am? the way I look? I really don’t know but it’s such a fucking horrible feeling! I dont understand why I feel like this. But I do ..

[eimixx]

I only show what I want to show you. But would you love me if you see me have a mental breakdown? Would you love me, if you see me angry? Would you love me if you see me dysfunctional? Many people would think, wow she’s a handful. But it’s the people that still love you, despite your bad days. Because they know that it doesn’t define all of you. It just happens to be a bad day..